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 Author Thread: Who's the funniest person of all time?
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
Who's the funniest person of all time?
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:28:31 AM
Groucho Marx

Steve Martin
Richard Pryor
Cheech and Chong
Will Ferrell
Tim Conway
George Carlin
Redd Foxx
Carol Burnett
Mel Brooks
Madeline Kahn
Johnathan Winters
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
What's up with this sense of entitlement in our society? And can it be reversed?
Posted: 9/28/2007 6:10:48 AM
I agree it's about taking responsibility for our actions.
I don't think it should always be finacial restitution, but that seems to be the only way for it to be enforced.

I also think that the entitlement has become too generalized. It blanket covers all situations that fall under it without taking individual situations and other circumstances into consideration.

My sister divorced her ex when their son was 5. My nephew lived with his mom from the age 5 to 13. His dad was suppose to pay 350.00 a month for support to my sister. She was working and making great money and never asked for a cent from his dad and never received a cent. His dad would have him every other weekend and on Wednesdays. When the boy was 13 she was having trouble with her son and thought he needed to spend more time with his dad. Her ex agreed and they basically agreed to reverse the roles and she would get him every other weekend and Wednesdays. Shortly after the switch, Her ex took her to court to demand child support. She had never said she wouldn't help pay for him , but since he had never paid her anything , she only offered to pay him what he was suppose to have payed her. That had no bearing on anything. Neither did the fact that he had never paid her. Neither did the fact that his dad was making a good living and it wasn't causing any kind of hardship on him finacially. The amount awarded him was based only on what my sister made from her tax forms. She had to pay him $2700. 00 a month until the boy was 18.

Yep $2700.00 a month. She was doing mortgage loans and making tons, but $2700.00 a month is unbelievable. The first thing his dad did with the first check was buy the boy a new ATV and between that check and the next, he recarpeted his house.

It wouldn't have been so bad if the dad had put money into a college account for the boy. It surely didn't cost him 2700.00 a month to care for the boy. He didn't though. Bought a new truck instead. The boys 17 now and has a small college fund that his mom started for him years ago. Nothing put aside by his dad. The only good that has come out of this is that the boy finally sees his dad for who he is. Sure his dad let him live with him for the past 4 years, but he knows it's been only for the money.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
Attention Geniuses: Focus your energy
Posted: 9/28/2007 4:28:27 AM
Ok! sorry I took it that way!

Thanks for the answer and for the link!!!!
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
It's Either You or Him.....
Posted: 9/28/2007 4:25:16 AM
What's his wife look like? Is she cute? ( just kidding)

Sorry, but he's going first.

Who's to say if I took his place and died to save him, that if the gunmen's demands weren't met, that he wouldn't be shot anyway?

I'd have a hard time standing still waiting to be shot in the head execution style. Unless I was being physically held down and shot, I'm getting up and running towards the door. Shoot me in the back. Maybe it will kill me and maybe not. I'd have to take a chance instead of hanging my head and waiting to be shot. Maybe it would cause enough commotion to allow a sniper to pick off a gunman or two.

I would point out the Bank's loan manager and ask them to shoot him first because he's a bigger crook then they are.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
Attention Geniuses: Focus your energy
Posted: 9/28/2007 3:55:02 AM
LOL..... As much sarcasm as I feel from your response, it's still the best reason anyone has given me to that suggestion so......thanks!!!

So do you think enough could ever be made so that it was possible to use that energy to create more and still have more created than used?

Or does it just take more energy to break it down than could ever be created from breaking it down?
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
Attention Geniuses: Focus your energy
Posted: 9/28/2007 3:09:54 AM
What about water?

Water is composed of hydrogen and oxygen. We know they are both combustible. Water covers 3/4 of the planet. Why haven't we figured out how to seperate, contain and control these elements to use for power? Seem like we'd have an endless supply of energy once we can.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
Ignorance as bliss? Smart vs happy?
Posted: 6/21/2007 2:48:48 PM
Just a few quotes that I thought sort of related to the topic .

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
~Helen Keller

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
~The Dalai Lama

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
~Brendan Gill

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
Martha Washington

Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed.
Don Wood

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Michael Pritchard

The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.
Elbert Hubbard

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell

To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.
Marilyn vos Savant
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
Collective nouns
Posted: 6/19/2007 9:12:21 PM
A mob of gangsters

An orcastra of musicians

A beavy of beavers :)

A bordello of babes

A bar of lawyers

A chain gang of criminals
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
Mere Coincidence??
Posted: 6/19/2007 8:42:45 PM
Unfortunately the gestation period of a sheep is shorter than 9 months.

What the government is covering up is that there was a big barn dance going on near the field where the aliens crashed. The mothers of all those people that you mentioned happen to be at the dance all dressed up like sheep to attract the local farmers and ranchers. You know the old story, a few drinks and everyone looks good after 2:00 A.M. The aliens awoke the next day and upon realizing their mistake all committed suicide. Their bodies were taken away to Area 51 for autopsies. The mothers question about having sex with the aliens said " The sex wasn't great , but it wasn't Baa-aaa-aad either.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
Ignorance as bliss? Smart vs happy?
Posted: 6/19/2007 7:18:07 PM
I think a persons happiness depends on how they choose to deal with the knowledge they gain. Is the glass half empty or half full?

Example: Learning about starving children in third world countries would seem to be a depressing situation to most people.

If you never knew about it would it bother you? No

If upon learning you decided to go there and donate your time to help them would that make you feel happiness? Maybe because you were doing something to hopefully make things better. It may bring you more sadness and depression because you find out how overwhelming the situation is and how few people are willing to help and how the ignorance of the people you are trying to help is keeping them from helping themselves.

If upon learning you decide to send in a donation of money to help out. Would that make you feel happiness. Probably yes. Why? I think because you convince yourself that you're a good person and you're doing a good thing. That's all you want to know. You want to stay ignorant to whether your money really made a difference or not and you really don't want to know anymore about it other than you you feel better because you sent them money.

If upon learning you don't feel depression , but instead you feel anger because you feel it's their lack of knowledge that is causing the problem. You don't give them a fish, you teach them how to fish, but if they don't want to learn, then why waste your time feeding them. This is a case where knowing of other peoples ignorance bothers your hapiness. You can't help those that don't want to help themselves so instead of letting it bother you, you try ot push it from your mind and replace it with something that does make you happy.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
robot chicken and other amazing cartoons - unsung and/or forgotten
Posted: 2/12/2007 12:43:02 PM
Courage the cowardly dog has got to be one of the most bizarre cartoons ever made.

Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, and Goodfeathers

Fractured Fairytales and Mr Peabody and his boy Sherman
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
Girlfriend 5.0
Posted: 2/12/2007 12:13:54 PM

ohhh....that just gave me a great idea for a pick-up line. Since I work in IT, I can always say I'm an expert at helping guys make their hard drives bigger. ;-)

or an expert at fixing their floppy disk ;P
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
The Best Way to Learn
Posted: 2/12/2007 3:21:34 AM
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
~Barry LePatner

Trial and error with hands on experience and instruction.

Sometimes it' s not as important to learn how you do something as it to learn why you do it. I'll bet everyone of us has been in some type of math class and heard someone remark " why do I have to learn this stuff. I'm never going to use Algerbra when I get out of school." If they don't understand that it will help with their problem solving skills later in life ( that they will be exposed to most of their life) then they aren't going to understand why it is important for them to learn how to do algerbra.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
so true the old days
Posted: 2/12/2007 2:59:57 AM
Ignorance was bliss!

We are also the ones that changed many of those things to elimanate the risks and danger to our children.

So will the next generations raised with all these restrictions put even more on their children or will they rebel against the restrictions we put on them and raise their children with more freedoms then they were given.

I completely agree with you and did almost everyone of those things you mentioned. (except I crashed into the bushes a few more times before I learned.

I was exposed to second hand smoke every single day of my childhood and I survived so far unscathed, but knowing what we know now about second hand smoke now and if I had kids and exposed them to it in the same way, I would be considered a bad parent and bad roll model for them. I never considered my parents either because they didn't know the facts. Had they known the facts about second hand smoke, I know they would been outside on the porch smoking and telling us to go play and stay away from them while they were smoking so we weren't exposed to second hand smoke.

Knowledge comes with the responsibility to use it.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
Define the Theory of Evolution
Posted: 2/12/2007 2:32:32 AM
There are probably just as many reasons for changes in a species as there are types of species. I think of evolution as survival of the fittest in the environment they are exposed to at any given time in their life. What may make one species superior today may make them inferior tomorrow. Environment and the ability to adapt to it is what it's all about. Changes happen endlessly. The evolution of one species of one species may be due to the decrease in numbers of another species.

This probably won't be a very popular statement but if you think of religion as a species then it's ability to mutate and change to survive and thrive is as good an example as any of evolution taking place and doing whatever it needs to do to survive.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
Girlfriend 5.0
Posted: 2/11/2007 2:07:51 AM
You're hard drive is too small! The programs are not working properly because they are not being fully loaded. That can cause your system to crash prematurely.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
Inspirational Quotes
Posted: 2/10/2007 4:13:34 PM
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
~Barry LePatner

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
~Brendan Gill

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
~Abraham Lincoln

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
~David Viscott

People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly.
~Brendan Francis

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.
~Martha Washington

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~Dorothy Parker

Give no decision till both sides thou'st heard.

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.
~Agnes Repplier

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
~Michael Pritchard

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
~W. H. Auden

The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.
~Elbert Hubbard

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
~Jerome Blattner

To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.
~Marilyn vos Savant
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
slow cooker (crock) recipes
Posted: 2/10/2007 1:11:42 AM
Get a rolled pork roast or a rolled rump roast (beef)
2 cans campbells Cream of mushroom soup
1 package lipton soup mix

Put everything in pot together (do not add water to the soup. Just right out of the can)
set crock pot to high
cook all day long (8 hours) turn and stir occasionanally if possible, but not necessary.

This is delicious. It's so tender it falls apart and it makes it's own gravy!!!

If the roast you use is really fatty, you might want to cool the crock pot in the refrigerator for a while until a white skin (the fat) forms on the top. Pull this off and then heat up again. It's much healthier that way and just as tasty, but not as rich.

Potatoes, carrots, onion, and celery are optional. If the crockpot is big enough to accomadate them. They can be added at the beginning too. It makes an easy Stew.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
Inventing words
Posted: 2/9/2007 3:28:29 PM
Surprise + fries = surfries

The french fries that fell out of their bag into the bigger bag holding all the fast food. Usually goes to the person passing out the food to others from the bag. Surfries is both singular and plural like the word sheep. One is not a surfry, nor are many surfrieses. It's just surfries.

Drink + Osmosis = drinksmosis

It's the actual process that occurs to cause a water ring from an Ice cold drink in a glass. You can spot places that drinksmosis has occured in the past by the nasty water ring glass stain found on wood furniture left by some jerk that wasn't using a coaster.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
Men are from Mars...
Posted: 2/9/2007 2:57:45 PM
This has been around for awhile so mmost have probably seen it, but for those that haven't it's pretty funny. Hope this is OK to show here~~~~~~~~


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put know know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: [logged off]
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
Tounge Twisters
Posted: 2/9/2007 2:35:57 PM
Try saying

"Toy Boat"

3 times in a row as fast as you can!!!!
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
Home loan question
Posted: 2/9/2007 8:54:59 AM
You need to talk to a professional and find out exactly where you stand, what you can afford, and what you need to do to become a good risk. There are several factors that are considered in applying for a loan. How much you make a month. How much of that money is already spoken for each month for things like a car payment, a credit card payment, alimony, child support, medical insurance , car insurance and so on..., how much money you have in the bank and how long it's been there (seasoned money), and your credit score. The sooner you find out the sooner you can get started towards getting a home. Another reason to be motivated to get started is that interest rates are as low as they have been in thirty or more years.

I don't know for sure , but I bet the chance that interest rates go up over the next couple of years is better than the chance they will go down and the longer you wait the higher they could go. Check into straightening up the credit you have now before trying the bankruptcy option because you might have a hard time even getting an apartment with bad credit or a bankruptcy.

One other thing that is very important is when you get all the information you need to become a good risk and you have a time period that you think you can get the things done that you need to do, save, save, save!!!! The biggest problem people have is not giving up the things they need to give up in order to get there. Entertainment is a luxury. A home is a necessity. Once you get the home and get some equity in it, then you can afford to have some luxuries. Until then, you have to decide what is more important a movie now or a home later.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
Tounge Twisters
Posted: 2/9/2007 7:31:28 AM
Betty bodder bought some butter

but she said this butters bitter

if I put it in my batter

it will make my batter bitter

so she bought a bit of better butter

put it in her bitter batter

made her bitter batter better

so tis better betty bodder bought a bit of better butter!!!
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
Talk about Say WHAT?
Posted: 2/9/2007 3:53:18 AM
If you could have meet each other on this site without knowing that you had already known each other from the past and hit it off well enough to meet each other in person and then realized that she was the one you let get away and have been kicking yourself over losing all these years, that would be a story that should be made into a movie.

As it is, It's still a great story and I hope you hang on to her this time.

I'm not sure that it's Irony. It's more like fate has brought you two together again. I'd call it a second chance at a lesson learned.

Good Luck
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
Collaboration Nightmare
Posted: 2/9/2007 3:34:29 AM
Well since he did write the original poem and was at least partially responsible for the inspiration that became a song, I think it's better to cut a deal now instead of go to court later. Tell him that you are willing to release it as an instumental only or rewrite all the lyrics if he doesn't want to accept what you think is fair conpensation. If it's the difference between being a good song as an instumental and being a great song with lyrics would the money given up as a percentage to him be worth the positive impact it could have on your career?

If you give him credit and record without his consent and it becomes a hit you'll probably end up paying him more later plus pay court costs and attorney fees and receive negative publicity over the whole ordeal.

Personally I'd try to rewrite it without any of his input and leave him out altogether.
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
Dear Abby: From Clueless
Posted: 2/8/2007 3:59:51 PM
Deer Abie%

(sarry Im tieping this myself cuz i donut have a staff anymor)

My wief axed me if I am cheetin on her. I said "Define the word "IF" Millary" ( didn't whant to use her reel name cuz she becumin famous thanks to me. She jus roll her eyes at me. i think shes a lebaneze and likes womans too.

I myself have ben depressed since i retard from palotiks 6 years ago. I donut like it here in New Yolk city. I miss DC. I miss the ovil office. I miss my desk.

I donut love Millary anymore and Millary donut love me but won't devorse me. She thinks shes goin be president and goin back to DC. I hope shes rite cuz they got a Micky dees rite down the street. I love Mickey Dees. MMMMMMMM Good!!!!

O yes I forgot I want to know is it cheatin if I found Millary in our bed with 4 other womans? She said it was a hummer party or summer party or lumber party or something like that. O ya a slummer party that's it a slummer party. She said it's only cheatin if its with the oposit sex and she had a cigar in his butt. Boy does that brung back sum good mammories.


Billy C
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