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 Author Thread: Why won't he let me go?
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 9:03:25 PM
Get rid of him as he did not choose you.

The only reason I'm confused is that he did not actually make another choice at this point. He has never actually started dating, got engaged to, or married anyone else to this day. He "broke up" with me, but things have been exactly like they always were -- minus him trying to have sex with me. We go on romantic dates. He also constantly talks to me as my best friend. He won't even let 1 day go by with me upset at him - he'll say "I have to see you before I leave for the weekend" and make things right. I can't convince myself that when push came to shove and he'd actually be losing me forever, he would allow that to happen.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/23/2013 8:45:34 PM
It's confusing when he still takes me out to dinner, holds my hand, and kisses me good night. Doesn't try to sleep with me after... just romantically says good bye. He was talking about how he has great friends last week... "My friends are just really great. And then there's you & I. We have a special relationship." Um, what is that, exactly?
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:23:12 AM
[quote ] Stop trying to come up with any other answer to why he's behaving as he is (it is NOT because he loves and wants you enough that he will soon dump his parents and marry you)

Why couldn't this possibly be the case when you said yourself that he has "not yet grown up" ? People can change -- to me this is like a guy who was always single/a player eventually changing his ways and realizing he wants to settle down with someone. I just feel like the more time that goes by, the more strongly he seems to feel and the more he freaks out about any sign of me being unhappy.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/21/2013 10:08:58 AM

I would need to know more. What does it mean for said culture not to defy your parents? Is there money involved that might be cut off if he seeks happiness over tradition? Will it kill his mother if he didn't obey her? Hmmmm.....Will it mean he may never see his family again? Will he get stoned? Killed in his sleep by his uncles for dishonoring the family? Does one want to see a family that cares so little about his happiness? Hell, even the east indians have some leeway to arranged marriages! I believe they will set you up but there is a clause that allows one to decline...so the family has to keep looking until they find one that will make their off spring happy? Has he even tried to let his family know that he has already found the girl of his dreams? Has he even tried anything at all?


He says his parents will disown him, that he used to be more optimistic but now it seems that they're very serious about wanting an arranged marriage. He told me he lies awake crying every night over this ... says that he can't live without me and is depressed by the mere thought of me being upset... any time I'm upset, as I said, he flips out & wants to see me asap ... can't go away for a few days without making sure things are "ok between us"... it's intense
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/20/2013 8:18:41 PM
But if he was so sure he'd never change his mind, then why would he keep trying to get closer to me? I mean, if I tell him I'm ticked off about something, I don't see what reason he'd possibly have to freak out & say "I need to see u now, I cant go away for 2 days if I know you're upset, I'll be depressed?" Is that really consistent with someone who thinks he can spend his whole life with a woman other than me?
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Why won't he let me go?
Posted: 4/19/2013 9:11:00 PM
My boyfriend broke up w/me because he said his parents would disown him (they plan on arranging a marriage for him instead) & he just can't cause his family that much pain. The night he did it, he stayed up w/me crying the whole night and told me, "Nothing has to change between us at all," other than not sleeping together basically. He said "I'll still take care of you & everything exactly like I always have." Since then, we'll hang out & he'll hold my hand, kiss me, but just romantic -- never tries to use those things to get me to have sex. Also, he makes comments about how he'll prove to me how much he cares even when I'm not right nearby anymore (I'm moving soon).... That he can't be without me... That he loves me.. At one point I told him that if he goes through w/an arranged marriage then I'm never going to be able to talk to him again & he literally burst into tears. And when I was mad at him about something recently right before he left for a sports tournament, he said "Can you come over right now... I can't leave things with you on this note before I leave... you know how depressed I get when I know you're sad because of me." He literally is treating me like a girlfriend without the benefits of sex/commitment and I'm not even gonna live nearby for him to see me conveniently anymore. Why would a man possibly do this?
 Pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/20/2011 9:42:55 AM
Essentially I just need to
Figure out if he's willing to move forward now that I've clarified why I did not sleep with him that night. I think it's an explanation where he honestly should man up & understand.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/20/2011 7:38:21 AM

This woman knew what she wanted, and she just didn't have the guts to follow through with her plan, and now she's blaming the guy for her own lack of decisiveness.
I expected him to have been drinking -- he was at a bar, for goodness' sake. But it was a full hour later & he was still having a beer when I arrived & slurred a few words... and even he knows already that he didn't remember anything we talked about that night. I didn't know things would play out that way. And I still really liked the guy, so I made out with him w/clothes on but said up front when asked that we weren't going upstairs because it was "too soon." and yes I know he sobered up as time went on that night, but how weird would it be to say "now you seem sober enough, let's backtrack and do it right now?!!"


I think you are chasing after him and he is really not that interested. A guy who is truly interested doesn't make excuses for not getting involved or only wants to get 'close' when he is drunk.
1) I never thoguht he wanted an actual serious relationship. That's fine. 2) It wasn't beer goggles with me, but rather liquid courage. You simply didn't see how nervous he was on those first 2 dates.

I'm fine with everything. I just don't know, from his "maybe" etc, if he still wrote me off as an awful tease... or if he's trying to deal with his own feelings now that I confronted him with new info
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 11:01:36 PM
It's a worry now because we didn't realize we'd play on the same team multiple more times in the future, not just that one last season. We both thought that'd be it at the time.

And I just am not convinced he's down for the hookup, if he gave me that "maybe"! Although he really always has played it cool... and I kept saying "hey if you're not up for it, tell me no"... and he didn't use the sports-team excuse as a reason to say "We just can't ever do that." Instead, he was all "yeah next weekend may work -- as long as it's not too soon after our last game of season"

He did say the piece about worrying that 1 person would end up with more feelings/expectations... but I have never acted the slightest bit demanding, 3 texts per week at most, never a single "talk" about anything "serious" until now, never asking him for fancy dates. and hey who knows... maybe he's wondering about the outcome of his own feelings too
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 10:14:35 PM
I do understand we must wait at least a week bc of our sports team... but what is this "We might end up with different feelings" reasoning? I never told him or acted like I wanted something serious. Honest, I'd send 2 texts/week and be the one to end the convo first. And from the 2 dates we had, he honestly seemed nervous & tried no sexual moves whatsoever... but he did really seem to enjoy the whole cuddling/touching/being close aspect. Everyone knows alcohol makes people braver to actually make a move. I think he's emotionally closed off & immature with relationships & doesn't know how to do things "right" with someone he likes, and it got even worse once I rejected him for sex. Now that I put it on the table, he's like "oh cool she is into me," but pride would not make a man immediately jump up & down and say "yes! tomorrow!" after previous sexual rejection.

And no -- he never got "mad." Did not pressure me at all that night, later just asked if he could fall asleep in my arms & meant that. And has been every bit friendly & acted like his normal self towards me since. He just shied away from further dates because what i did made me look like a total game player & tease -- not refusing sex, but coming over late at night then refusing it. He didn't know it was only because he was drunk. Now that I've cleared the air I honestly think it's different once he has a chance to process it.
 pdx11
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Suspense building... will we EVER hook up?
Posted: 8/19/2011 6:34:25 PM
So I went on 2 dates with a guy (but knew him through our sports team beforehand). On our team he was known as an outgoing, confident flirt. But once it was he & I on a date, he was totally different & actually seemed nervous to make moves!! Only hugged at end of first date & barely kissed me on 2nd, even though we were alone at the end of both dates. Did romantic stuff like hand holding, cuddling. He always seemed reserved/slow to open up. For example, at the end of our last sports season he just said "Good luck, take care" and "I'll be busy these next few months" -- as though he had no intention of seeing me again outside of games. But then 2 weeks later, lo & behold, he asked me out -- all on his own.

Unfortunately, for the 3rd "date" he texted me late at night from the bar, asked if I wanted to come over & hang out. I went, but when I got there - a full hour later - he was slurring & actually still drinking at his place with me there. So I said up front that I wasn't gonna go upstairs, said vaguely that it was "too soon," only made out w/clothes on (but we were both very into the first-time kissing, it went on forever). Then I kept offering to leave but he would shake his head, smile, and hold me tight, just said "I want to fall asleep in your arms" on his couch & didn't try anything else sexual. But after that night he went cold on me, only invited me 1 place over the next few weeks -- a group outing in middle of day, last-minute. He'd respond to my texts & say he wanted to get together again sometime (I know he did have very legit reasons that a few weeks in a row were impossible for him to get together)... but then he didn't confirm a specific date when I invited him to come over my place, even though he'd initially sounded down for it, so I figured that was the end of it all. (Unless he didn't want to be at my place alone because last time we were alone, he got rejected for sex & didn't know why?!!)

Then the next sports season began. At practice, I asked to talk. he's like "what are we talking about... i don't see what's going to change -- do u need to vent?" He was on the defensive & clearly thought I was mad at him. But I go, "OK. When I came over that night, you were slurring & have admitted yourself that you don't remember anything we talked about that night. You were really drunk, and I wasn't feeling it." He says, "You don't owe me an explanation -- no hard feelings." I respond, "Oh, I know I don't owe you anything. But it's important to me for you to know that when I came over, it's because I wanted to f*ck. I don't go over someone's house like that to mess with them... it was just the situation." As soon as I said "I wanted to f*ck," he got this big grin on his face... I'm always way more proper - I'm sure I shocked him.

I said, "I liked you. I wanted to hang out/date in addition to sex. Maybe I sent the wrong message by coming over on a "booty call" like that, & I've never done anything like that before, but I was really attracted to u & knew what I wanted..." I also asked if he was actually looking for a full blown relationship and he said, "No..." then when he locked eyes with me, he said, "Not reeeeally..." I said "I'm not looking for anything serious either. And you know I never expected anything from you. We didn't talk very often, I just wanted to hang out, like, once a week." He then felt the need to give an explanation about why he's been so busy in recent weeks. I said, "you don't owe me any explanations. But it's obvious what we both do want from each other... & honestly, it's not all that common to find an attraction like this. So I just think it's stupid for both of us if we never have sex and just see what happens from there."

He said "maybe" because he's worried about "drama" that could accompany it: Our serious sports team has a strict no dating between teammates policy & we have 3 games left (it really is a big problem). I had spontaneously suggested he come over tomorrow night & he goes, "Tomorrow night would be way too soon... next weekend may not be too soon..." He also said he's tentative because he wouldn't want us to end up with different/misaligned feelings out of it potentially. I was like, "We just laid that out on the table. Neither person wants something serious right now. There's nothing to analyze here." So basically he is playing it cool but sounds interested for next weekend? I kept telling him, "hey you can just say no if you're not interested," but he did not want to take that bait...

My friend thinks he's just as worried about himself having "feelings" come out of this as I am. She's developed the theory that he's emotionally immature but good in bed... & that he really "liked" me so he wanted to bed me & then felt shut down when he got rejected & walked away, & now he's playing it even more "cool" than he did before, because after all I was the one who rejected him last time... and he needs time to process everything that just happened...

At our next game this evening, things between us were totally normal and nice.
 
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