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 Author Thread: To move in or not to move in?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 36 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/16/2014 10:32:32 AM
He gave two options. Either moving in on his terms, or they split up. He didn't ask her opinion. She is ok to meet once a month, if he doesn't have serious intentions yet. She is ready to abandon everything for family sake, but not to become jobless roommate. Anyway, such serious issues should be negotiated, not dictated. If he doesn't care - let him go. They broke up.
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 35 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/16/2014 10:31:13 AM

You honestly can't understand why people would move in together for reasons other than starting a family?

To save on living expenses?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/15/2014 5:07:57 PM
I'd like to thank everyone who answered to OP, I read carefully and very appreciate each opinion given in this thread. Unfortunately, the forum rules don't let me to post more than 2 post out of 10 last, so I cannot answer to everyone. I'm trying to disclose the most unclear and essential details.
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 25 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/15/2014 4:47:38 PM
I'm not able to give the guy's side of the story, since I'm not communicating with him. The girl is my very close friend and she asks me for advice. I'm asking here, because I don't consider my opinion the absolute truth and I would like to understand men motivation. I'll ask the girl's permission to post his ultimatum here, he did it over email, so you could judge the source.
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 24 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/15/2014 4:37:18 PM
They both are new people in the country. They both slightly over thirty. They both were educated professionals in their original countries. They both studied upgrading their education and had small jobs all the two years their relationship were unfolding. The girl has been living with her parents, obviously didn't pay any rent to them, but covered all her personal and studying expenses herself. The guy always shared room with his fellow students. The girl recently found her first (in Canada) professional job in Vancouver. Not highly-paid, but in her professional field, with prospective for growth, raise etc. Children plans were discussed thousand times, but without concrete committed promises (depending on how things will go), they both want them, and it was blueprinted after getting jobs which could let them afford themselves having children. After the guy got his position, he decided that he wants to wait with that till he gets PR status (he is on work permit).
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 13 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 10:57:58 PM
To christ on a crutch. Thank you for your replies. So, what would be your advice to them? What is the reasonable compromise in you point of view? What would be a mindful decision for the girl and for the guy?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 11 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 10:39:46 PM
Thank you, mike11091. I wanted to listen to men point of view, and if it coincides with ladies' opinion, there is no other way to resolve it, but let him go, and maybe in a while, when he realizes that it is not easy to stay all alone without beloved one, it would be possible to negotiate for more reasonable conditions.
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 10:09:00 PM
To bamagrl68. Splitting expenses is good when you both save on that, isn't it? This not the case, she lives with parents and any rent is increase for her. I do not understand his motivation, to me it looks like star sickness after getting well-paid position, probably he didn't expect a rejection from her. Maybe she was supposed to be happy to move in with him at any cost?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 8:43:40 PM
I think there are to reasonable options - keep her job and visit each other once a month or make a baby and forget of job for the next few years. I might be wrong, but I do not understand, why would man and woman move in if they don't have an intention to create family?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 8:33:27 PM
You are absolutely right, I'm not able to represent the whole two years story in one post, but i will try to give the details when it comes to it. To justify the guy, he really mentioned to help her while she is searching for job. On the other hand, he is earning four times more than her, and apart of that he is paying his rent anyway, living with her or without her. To me such a demand is not looking nice anyway.

She never lived in small or rural area, she is exceedingly city dweller, she has language issues, and she got her job after hard, long searching. She could sacrifice all mentioned above, but the question is it worth it? Do guys really value such sacrifices? Or he will demand more and more?

You are right again, he really said that he doesn't want distant relationship. And I don't understand this point. Is it better for men have no girl at all than to have her let say once a month? It is still possible to meet lets say once a month for week or so.
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 8:10:59 PM
Thank you, bamagrl68. This is the most obvious answer for girl who didn't lose her mind and self-respect completely. This is stupid kind of ultimatum. Does he just want to dominate or what? What make guys to give such ultimatums?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 1 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/14/2014 6:27:53 PM
Hello everyone, could you please arbitrate the next situation. The love story, I’ve been confined to by my friend (the girl). Two years relationship, with love, dreams etc. At some point the guy got a well-paid permanent job in a small town (5000 population) thousand km to the north from Vancouver. And set an ultimatum – either she is moving with him, or they split up. To move the girl is supposed to quit prospective job, friends, nice, totally free living conditions. Moving in with the guy conditioned paying half of rent and groceries. What are the chances to get a professional job over there? Close to zero? Marriage plans are vague and uncertain – maybe yes, maybe no. My obvious advise was to tell him to go to hell. To me these are ridiculous conditions – the girl is losing everything she achieved with hard work and studies to become jobless with bunch of extra expenses. But maybe there are still some counterarguments?
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 176 (view)
 
life altering books
Posted: 10/2/2013 12:17:08 AM
would like to second, a little tough to me but still useful for girls
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Greg Behrendt (Author), Liz Tuccillo (Author)
 iris125
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 192 (view)
 
Question for the guys
Posted: 10/2/2013 12:01:16 AM
Didn't you read this book? Maybe when you read it, guys' thinking will be more understandable.
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Greg Behrendt (Author), Liz Tuccillo (Author)
 
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