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 Author Thread: late 40's guy, some questions
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
late 40's guy, some questions
Posted: 6/8/2014 8:57:25 PM
I'm not really convinced that OP is the person she says she is. A 38 year old woman would not ask a question like that, no matter where she is from.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
blindsided
Posted: 6/5/2014 1:04:44 AM
I agree with this for both genders:

Generally, women don't make snap decisions to end relationships. We really think about things before it's done. It would be best if you forget thoughts of reconciliation so you can really move on.


Anytime you find yourself in a situation where you feel like something is happening to you “out of the blue” you need to realize that, since this is obviously only true to you, you could not have been fully connected to each other. How else can you explain the surprise?
It sounds like the problem is not necessarily that it was “out of the blue” but rather lack of mutual feelings. It happens. It sucks.


My question. Not really looking for speculation as to why she left;it doesn't really matter at this point.

Really? I don’t believe you. How can you even expect people to give you feedback on something like this without knowing the actual cause?


My question is (for the ladies) do you think she will reconsider , on her own, and come back?
What do you mean “on her own”? Does anything that is not “on her own” even count as real? We have no idea if anyone will reconsider anything.


For 11 1/2 months I was , according to her, everything she ever wanted.
Well, either she lied to you for whatever reason or you misinterpreted her for whatever reason. You seem to be caught up on the surprise factor. I would look into that, but more internally. I mean that sincerely.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 37 (view)
 
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 5/3/2014 1:34:59 AM
For how long should she be compassionate? She said:

Problem is he cant seem to accept that its over. He has constantly text and phoned me over the week saying things he will do to make it right between us. I wont go back to him, but need advice on how to cope. This is making me feel ill.

She is unable to cope and feels ill. Damn her for not feeling compassionate instead.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
don't know
Posted: 4/19/2014 9:47:19 PM

I had sex with this guy and now honestly don't know what I want at this point. I should have morals and values, but I'm unsure of where I stand. He's not boyfriend material and he's not exactly into me, but is it okay for a girl to want sex from him and nothing more? If that's what you really want.

You need to be more in touch with yourself and your feelings because whatever you decide is what's okay. Just because it's okay "for a girl to want sex from him and nothing more" doesn't mean that's what you want. So get busy and figure out what you want. If you wanted just sex from someone who is not a boyfriend material why would you even bother asking strangers if it's okay? Obviously you can't admit what you want because it's not a mutual feeling.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
 
What would you think?
Posted: 4/19/2014 11:36:38 AM
OP, it says you joined POF June 2013. You are both on POF, dishonest about it with each other as well as with yourselves.
I don't think you are overreacting. Maybe underreacting. I can't tell you what to do but a good start would be not to pretend everything is okay and telling yourself that you're in a committed, healthy, honest relationship. You're not. Both of you.

Added comment: Oh I just saw your last entry. Yes, I agree, you should distance yourself a bit to get a better perspective and grip on your feelings. That's a good idea.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 35 (view)
 
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/12/2014 9:14:51 PM
OP, I understand what you are saying as if it is happening to me all over again. This same thing that is happening to you (contacting friends etc) has happened to me 2 decades ago and I am still traumatized by the experience. It’s obsessive compulsive. Unfortunately he is sick and it is not your fault.

There is nothing flattering about someone in denial who won’t stop leaving you alone when you have broken up. No means no. So, yes, it is extremely stressful trying to cope with such abuse because you don’t know what else he is in denial of. Scary stuff. In my case I had to get a restraining order. Good luck, hun. You’re lucky your friend is standing by you and smart enough not to be manipulated.

How do you cope with it? Try not to be alone so you don't have to go through it by yourself and this will also discourage him to contact you. You can have a friend answer your phone so he knows you have back up and support!
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Asking out a girl from work
Posted: 3/17/2014 1:57:32 PM
I think it is better to be upfront and ask her out rather than trying to get her to be interested in you. That’s when things enter into the danger zone. Simply ask her, would you like to go out to lunch with me... If she is interested she will show it and go out with you. If she doesn’t or finds excuses for not going out with you, I would let it rest and move on. No harm done. But if you don’t ask her out and assume she is interested in you and chat her up just because she is not ignoring you, you have no idea what she might do. I’m just saying because I have recently reported someone to HR because someone assumed I’m interested in them just because as someone else mentioned here already“I didn’t spit in his face.”

I don’t believe in fighting for or chasing people. ESPECIALLY in a work environment. This is not a competition or sport. Peoples feelings and respect is involved. Most importantly your reputation and livelihood is at stake.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Girlfriend updated pof
Posted: 3/15/2014 10:11:50 AM

...imagine tasting some other male who took what belonged to you and worse she gave away what was yours...
Are you promoting slavery and implying she never kissed or slept with another man before they met? WTF??? I get chills when I hear people say creepy things like this. Makes me think of obsessive psychotic wife beaters, or a 5 year old child throwing a fit for losing his teddy bear. Yes, they should both get tested for critters. No, she never belong to him or anyone.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 47 (view)
 
My gf doesnt show affection anymore
Posted: 3/15/2014 1:11:21 AM

Hey all,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a month and a half now, the first few weeks into the relationship she was quite affectionate with me, but now it seems like she has lost interest in that and she always seem's stressed/tired/ill/moody.

Why are you referring to her as your girl friend if you have been going out with her for less than 2 months? I think the problem is that you are confusing or misunderstanding "getting to know someone" with being in a mutual and committed relationship. It sounds like she is still getting to know you and realizing you are no longer on the same page because you seem to have made some assumptions and decisions concerning the two of you.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Girlfriend updated pof
Posted: 3/15/2014 12:48:14 AM

Should I trust her again? There will be long distances between us half the time, and I can see why she feels lonely. I just feel very hurt and not good enough as a man.

I don’t think it’s possible to trust someone without understanding them. No one knows what the problem really is but I’m sure the long distance or the implied expectation doesn’t help your relationship.


To all the women who accuse. My profile is an old profile and I have not been here for a while. Women should stop pointing fingers and take reaponsibility for their actions.


I don’t see anyone pointing fingers but you. Why not role model taking responsibility for your actions instead of making hostile and sexist remarks to people on a public forum who are simply responding to your request for feedback? Only you are responsible for the work you do and life style you live. All actions come with expected or unexpected results, desired or undesired consequences.


Even on the internet women like to accuse men. I say to men. It's time to fight against feminism and take women rights away."

The only one who is doing the accusing is YOU. If you have such big issues on gender, equality, and women’s rights why are you dating a woman? You don’t have control over what people think, say, do, or feel nor is it your place to take something away from others that doesn’t belong to you.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Asking out a girl from work
Posted: 3/8/2014 8:28:47 PM

We women usually know when a guy is sniffing around. He is a little friendlier, etc. All part of normal male/female behaviour. I would not advise asking her out until you get positive signals back. Hang out near her on breaks, lunch , etc. start up small talk. Ask her if she has seen a particular movie...bring a certain type of food into a conversation...dancing..activity. Trust me, we do get it. If we want to go out with you we will show some enthusiasm for something you bring up.

If not? I would back off and keep normal friendly. You do not want her to feel awkward around you.

Excellent advice. I agree with this. Please use common sense. If she doesn't initiate a whole lot of conversation or if she is just being polite or friendly you have no green lights.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
 
My boyfriend has a gay friend.
Posted: 3/7/2014 9:35:42 AM
OP, I see nothing wrong other than your attitude to the situation, that is if you didn't make up the post.
I will say however, that it's best to refer to people by their names than to call them "gay friend", blah blah blah...

The issue about trust and insecurity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Is she interested or is this just friendly conversation?
Posted: 2/11/2014 1:09:27 AM
OP seems to have resolved the issue. Give her a break.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Best way to get over an ex..
Posted: 2/9/2014 5:07:28 PM
I read here many great responses and to add to them, what helped me was determination.

I asked around other people how they overcame their exes just like you are doing here and I asked my friends and researched myself about movies where the storyline was about overcoming unhealthy relationships. I listened to music that empowered me and that I could relate to.

I asked and I asked and I watched those movies one after the other until I found my role models. It was not passing time alone that helped me but me actively seeking out people and characters in movies I could look up to who had accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 103 (view)
 
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 2/9/2014 4:13:45 PM
as if everything you ask someone has to be personalized.

I don’t know, maybe there are women who like generic, random conversations. I actually don’t think that “everything” needs to be personalized, especially if what you;re doing works for you. That’s fantastic.


Asking about aliens is no more harmless than asking what someone's favorite breakfast cereal is. But some women will just think its insincere and move on to the guy that ask what the do for fun when its already on their profile.

It’s really not about it being harmful or harmless. If it's out of context it may seem insincere to them. just a fact, an educated guess as to why they may not feel engaged. That's all. Nothing personal.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 194 (view)
 
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/9/2014 3:50:57 PM
just today I came across a profile that said not seeking any commitment. Just looking for friends. in their about me it just said "ask me" and the headline was " I like white guys!Sorry.."
If all you want is no commitment friendship why would Race matter!?

For the same reason race matters to people with any other relationships. People want what they want.


This really isn't a good place to make platonic friends anyway. As if women come on here to find guys to shop with or be workout partners.
I don’t think they are saying that’s what they want. It is not that confusing when you think of friendship in more than one way. If you think of it in only in one way it is very confusing and really not your fault for not getting it.

I have lived in places and know people who valued all kinds of different platonic friendships. There is more than one type, you know. But because of existing gender roles and traditional understanding of what a girly girl or guy relationship should be, many have never experienced it. And that’s how prejudice is formed.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 100 (view)
 
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 2/9/2014 2:04:25 PM

Is it a weird question to ask? Does it bring up red flags ?

Well, based on the fact that you ask the same question to different women as if all women were the same, I am guessing it is out of context. Anything out of context is a red flag and weird. It comes across as if you're making conversation for the sake of making conversation. This not engaging. And quite frankly, because it is not personalized, it comes across exactly as it is intended - insincere.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 192 (view)
 
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/9/2014 1:54:14 PM
Not sure how that relates to what I said or this post.


It relates because you are saying she wouldn’t even meet you as friends. And I am saying why should she? You are not guaranteed a friendship based on the fact that it is a “just” friendship.
Why would you even consider dating someone who isn’t even interested in being your friend?
You didn’t say who contacted who. Given the fact that friendship is not what brought you here it sounds a bit sketchy to me that you considered friendship with these women in the first place.
I understand you are confused about them having an open mind about considering something more with the right person but that’s just it. If it is so confusing and repulsive or unappealing to you you should not contact them.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 191 (view)
 
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/9/2014 1:29:06 PM
I didn't read every single post or the long ones but like I said, if you don't like it don't contact them. I personally have no reason to believe people wanting friendships are dishonest. If you think someone is dishonest you simply don't contact them. Is that so hard? I don't think so. It's okay that there are people who don't believe friendship belong to dating sites. Again, be thankful they put it out there, don't believe them and don't contact them. Everybody will be happy. Not complicated.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is she interested or is this just friendly conversation?
Posted: 2/9/2014 9:13:01 AM
Hey Chelsey,
try not to get too attached before meeting her. Take the initiative and ask her out to protect yourself from developing feelings for someone you haven't even met yet. And by someone I mean practically anyone.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 187 (view)
 
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/9/2014 9:02:34 AM
Yes, but it doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there for her just because it didn't work out with you. Just because the aim is friendship doesn't change the fact that connection and mutual feelings are not automatic.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Asking a person out
Posted: 2/9/2014 8:57:09 AM
OP,
I would not even continue further communication with someone who assumes inviting you to their house is okay.
This is exactly the reason why we communicate with people before meeting them and THIS is a major flag and turn off that should not be ignored. Even if they agreed to meeting me in a public place I could never pretend the initial experience did not happen.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 185 (view)
 
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/9/2014 8:47:20 AM

So if they are just looking for friends, how difficult is it to avoid contacting them? So much drama over a non-issue.
Bingo!!!!!

Some people believe strongly of the progression from strangers to acquaintances to friendship before a romantic or dating type relationship is possible for them. Nothing wrong with wanting an opposite sex friend and recognizing that it may or may not turn into something more. It's not a trick, indecisiveness or ill intent. If a man or woman is not okay with this, they should not contact this person in hopes of something more. Simple.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Asking a person out
Posted: 2/9/2014 1:48:05 AM
Tulip,
so sorry and thank you for sharing your story here. It is really important to know that these things really do happen. And to add to your warning, people should not bond emotionally with someone over text, phone or mail before even meeting in person. As we say here in the forums often, "Nothing is real until you meet." And man, did you meet!
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 32 (view)
 
When you find a coworker increasingly attractive
Posted: 2/9/2014 1:20:58 AM

OP, many women are capable of having friendships with males that aren't anything more than a casual friendship, so do not make the mistake of assuming because she makes eye contact or talks to you, it means anything more than casual interactions.

This is so true.


I have been in this exact scenario and it can be extremely stressful to have to deal with a individual who makes accusation based on nothing more than an attraction regardless if reciprocated or not. It can create serious problems in a workplace.

Me too.


Meeks,
it’s awesome that you asked her, respect her feelings, moving on and willing to learn from this experience. I’m happy that you shared this with us. cause I have been in a similar situation where it went quite differently than in your case and by different I mean not in a good way.

I too had started a new job in 2013. Around the same time you felt attracted to Jen, someone from my work started to be very interested in me. As I read your initial post I was thinking to myself, OMG, this is him (let’s call him Tom). In the beginning it was a bit weird but okay because I was eager to make new friends. Soon Tom suffocated me with personal questions anytime we ran into each other. Even though my answers were vague and as short as possible he was so persistent that it made me feel very uncomfortable.

Because I was new, I felt especially vulnerable. When you’re at work, you’re stuck and can’t leave the situation at that moment. You have to be friendly and when someone doesn’t get the social clues (short responses to his questions, never initiating a conversation etc) it can be very awkward.

I really wish he had asked me out instead of playing 20 questions for 6 months because then at least I could have told him I’m not interested in him that way. As time went on I became more and more frustrated and he became even more aggressive in trying to engage me in conversation. When I would resist answering his questions and hinting that he is crossing the line he would say why are you smiling, as if my smiling justified his persistence. I would then tell him I am smiling because you are so obsessed with such and such... - whatever he was asking me in detail- sometimes it was my lunch, sometimes very personal questions. There were days when I didn’t even take my lunch because I was afraid that I would lose it and make a scene. Eventually (just recently) I went to HR and they said they would ask him to leave me alone.

He made up a story in his mind that I fancied him and enjoyed his company when in fact I felt extremely harassed. This was even obvious to my other co-workers who happened to be around, except him. All of this did not need to elevate to the level it has, had he simply asked to spend time with me outside of work.

So the moral of the story is, many people, especially new employees speak to co-workers because there is no one else to talk to and they are being friendly. Maybe they want to make friends. Being single, smiling and making conversation does not mean they are available. It’s not a reason to assume or hope something could happen. I’m not saying you did what Tom did, but maybe others who read this post will think twice before jumping to such conclusions in a work environment.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Body language
Posted: 2/8/2014 11:57:39 PM

If he has a middle eastern ancestry it could of just been a case of Roman hands and Russian fingers.

Really? “It could OF been...” makes no sense. You probably meant to say “It could HAVE been...” And thanks for the racist remark.



It's painfully obvious that he's attracted to you. It's hard to say if he's looking for a relationship or not. You'll have to talk to him.

OP, I agree with Coma White.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Cancelling a Date
Posted: 2/8/2014 11:09:21 PM
The only way I would consider giving them another chance ( and I mean possibly "consider") is if they actually tried to reschedule at the time of cancellation. Last minute cancellations are bad news. It's up to you if you want to see someone who makes you feel this special before even meeting you.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 182 (view)
 
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/8/2014 10:53:08 PM
I don’t have a problem with men or women looking for friends on a dating site if a dating site includes that option. Never thought people who look for friends (for whatever personal reasons) are anymore or less flawed, honest/dishonest etc than anybody else here.

Whether relationships are purely friendship base, romantic, sexual, open, committed, with benefits, without benefits, doesn’t matter, as long they are honest and mutual.

If we doubt their validity we do so because of our own needs and past experiences, not necessarily because people are incapable of wanting a friendship relationship.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 98 (view)
 
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 2/8/2014 12:48:02 AM

I was just sitting here pondering on what to say to a female on the first message. Should I make it short and sweet? Or just say hello to her and compliment her eyes? Not You should not do Any help on this would be greatly appreciated.

You should not do any of those things. Those are things that people who already know each other say. No one wants to hear that from a complete stranger.

What you should do instead is ask yourself, why you want to contact her. You're not THAT lonely and desperate to speak to any woman, or are you? Be honest and sincere. You should never have a "line" you use for every woman. If you don't know why you're contacting her, don't contact her.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
something shocking
Posted: 2/5/2014 11:45:50 AM

When you're a doormat you end up being a people pleaser, I think I'm cured except now I'm experiencing a new feeling, I'm presently a role model for some people and watching them change and flourish is making me cringe, I hate it and I don't know why. I know I'm not getting anything back for being this role model for them and by and large I don't have a choice to simply not be around them so it feels like I'm being used. Therfore I hate them with all my heart, I hate seeing them get better off my back, feels like I'm being robbed... Please comment.


My impression is:

You don’t feel appreciated and in need of a mentor yourself. Since you are open to discussions about your thoughts and feelings professional therapy will definitely help. I studied narrative therapy and apply it my daily life which has helped me tremendously. Maybe it will bring clarity for you too.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
something shocking
Posted: 2/4/2014 12:57:39 AM

Please comment.



you're right I do hate myself but that's why I'm here, trying to figure things out. Can't say I've had the aha moment but at least i know I'm on the right track.

I have no idea what you’re talking about but it sounds like you don’t either. What exactly is it you are being so vague about? It almost sounds like you want people to help you figure out what it is you are saying. Is that what you want? Us figuring out what you may or may not be saying?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Lack of Effort
Posted: 2/2/2014 1:17:44 PM
There were one or two times when I wrote someone with a profile that gave a minimal information because he looked sincere, attractive, or cute. I don’t anymore because I realized it’s a dead end.

If it’s hard to know what to say, ask yourself why you want to contact her? You always have a reason for wanting to contact someone. Most likely it’s because she is pretty or you are attracted to her. So... that’s what you focus on and hope she won’t mind. Also, remember, anyone with no effort in their profile already knows that people contacting her will be people attracted to her.

Sincerity is the most important thing. Even more important than getting a reply.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
 
My Girlfriend Just broke up with Me. HELP!!!
Posted: 2/2/2014 12:46:00 PM
I want to get her back but I am not sure how to go about it. Can someone offer some advice? Maybe what I should do?


It makes me really mad to hear stories like this. You shouldn’t have hired her, slept with her, fired her in the first place. You've done so much wrong on so many levels and seem to be clueless of your actions. You wanna know how to repeat the same mistake? Sorry. I don't think you will get that kind of help on this forum.

Although obviously she has also made poor choices, that's her lesson to be learned. If you really care about her, give her a generous settlement package and let her go. And learn from your mistakes.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Hot, then cold, and back again - should I run?
Posted: 1/29/2014 12:05:50 PM
OP, most likely she is not interested or indecisive. I had a similar experience just recently. I would simply move on, even if she resumes contact at some point.

On a side note I agree with this 100% and find it refreshing to hear a man think the same.

Personally, I never ask for a number. I cut straight to the chase and ask to meet up within a few days - that's what we're here for, actually meeting up. If she then GIVES me her phone number, then I will give her mine - usually it comes with the message "in case you are late or something comes up on the morning".
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Unique dilemma -what would you do?
Posted: 1/28/2014 9:12:36 AM
I think it’s weird that you have other means of reaching her besides POF.


It's actually because of a method I use here to protect MYSELF from fake profiles that I accidentally stumbled onto who she is.... Any of you can do the same thing... There's a site that you can run any dating page through that runs filtering on all photos posted, comparing them like Google image search does, then reports if it locates matching images anywhere else. In this case, 2 of the photos she put here matched ones used on a business page she runs. 2 others show up on her Facebook. Little doubt, this is the same person. I wasn't specifically trying to track anyone down, I was trying to make sure this person I was about to open up to was a genuine profile. I do this with anyone I'm seriously considering replying to, and recommend it.

This is even weirder. I don’t like this method at all. To me, all of this is creepy.


as I've pointed out several times already -- she and I have never met face to face at all. And there's at best only a 25% chance we've ever been in the same room --one of those public functions I also mentioned. There seems to be a perception from a few of you that she "knows" me and somehow saw I viewed her and that's what scared her off. Not the case. All I would've been on her viewed me list was just another random face. If you ever attend something like a museum exhibit and there's 150 people in the building, but you only know or meet 20 of them, would you be able to pick out any of the other strangers' faces months later? Of course not.

Maybe she really doesn’t remember you but since you do why is it so impossible that she doesn’t? One reason could be that you were watching her without her knowledge, which would explain why you are so sure she doesn’t know you.



This whole "stalker" notion baffles me... If that's what I am, I'm sure as heck not very good at it. (Lol)
I seriously doubt most stalkers would be this considerate of someone's feelings -- seeking advice, hoping not to offend the other person, how to approach,etc.

Maybe you are a considerate stalker LOL. Most people would not know someone who doesn’t know them. Most people do not have other means of contacting someone they claim not to know. Most people would not use a site to compare pictures and then have access to additional information on a person. Nothing considerate about putting so much thought, effort, time, energy and accessing information on someone you happened to know who in turn doesn’t know you. What, is she a superstar? LOL
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
 
projection from previous relationship
Posted: 1/28/2014 12:39:42 AM
It sounds like you are using this forum to vent your frustrations on anyone who in shows a woman in a negative light.. I take full responsibility for my actions, however I did absolutely nothing to deserve weeks of abuse via email and text message..


Well, then you’ve got it all figured out. No need to ask the forum crowd unless you are ready to hear different perspectives. You accused someone we know nothing about of what you are accusing me of. I only responded to your question like anyone else. Are you going to accuse me of abuse now too because you didn’t like my answer? You need to chill out man. No one is out there to get you. Why do you think you may have deserved it in the first place?

If you point fingers at her and people on the forums, you did not take responsibility of your actions. Did she hold a gun to your head and make you read emails and text messages? Who gave her your email address and phone number? YOU.


Her words not mine, but thanks for judging me off the bat.. do you have trust issue perhaps? I've just come on here to share an experience and you are accusing me of being a liar.. interesting


Dude, you did not just share an experience. You judged her and accused her of so much more. I don’t know either one of you. I’m just saying your story has holes. Just my opinion. Nothing personal. I did not start a post on someone who broke up with me. You did.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
 
projection from previous relationship
Posted: 1/27/2014 9:58:02 AM

Is it possible that I have been used as some sort of emotional punch bag for unresolvedpast boyfriends?


It sounds like you are trying to find excuses to not take any responsibility for your actions, decisions and experiences. We haven’t heard her side of the story. Given the fact that you have psychoanalyzed her and presented her as this horrible person confirms that most likely due to unresolved issues from your past you are bitter and using the forums to vent.



I had soon learned her ex had been in Jail. He apparently had her visit her everyday before being released and then dumping her for someone else.


I don’t know of any jail that allows daily visitation. This statement makes your story less credible than it already is.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Unique dilemma -what would you do?
Posted: 1/27/2014 9:16:54 AM
I agree with John:

OP, I understand the part where you see a profile and want to reply and next thing you know, she is gone. But the thing is, understand she is gone. Gone is gone, she found someone, she might have lots of reasons. If she comes back on, write to her. But for some reason, this whole thing just sounds "weird" on how you wrote the thread. Not sure if creepy is the right word but something is different.


Has it never occurred to you that she may have seen you among the people who viewed her profile? More often than not people delete their profiles in those situations. I would be extremely uncomfortable if someone I know popped up as viewed my profile. If you already have a connection in any sort outside POF and this hasn’t led you in being with her, you will not get different result by using a dating site.

Regardless, as John and many others already pointed out, she is gone and it is not anybodies business guessing why she is gone. If you really want to contact her, use your real life connection to her but don’t be disappointed if she is not interested. Realize what you’re doing is a long shot and at some point if you don’t get the desired result you will have to let go of the idea because it is not MUTUAL,
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
First Meet
Posted: 1/12/2014 7:02:43 PM
OP, I agree with you.Don't doubt your reasoning cause it is spot on. Just move on. He decided to party instead of looking forward to meeting you.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 1:05:28 AM
Love as we all know is a system of which chemical reactions trick your brain into believing their is something special about a certain person.


Love is a system? Feelings are not a system, nor a chemical reaction. A chemical reaction can be the outcome of a feeling. Maybe you are talking about transference, which is not “love”. You are right that many people confuse love with meeting their needs but that doesn’t mean love can’t exist. Some people love, some don’t love, and some confuse love with something else.


This is natures method to get you people to reproduce.
Nature does not have a method. Maybe you mean it is natural to reproduce but so is adopting and choosing not to have children. Being gay is also natural. Having a choice does not break “nature’s method”.
“get you people to reproduce” Who is you people?


Lastly, if you are in a relationship for sex why not use your hands?
People use their hands in and out of relationships. You can choose to have any relationship you want as long as it is mutual. If you are saying you can’t find someone who wants the same thing or if there is no interest in ANY relationship than don’t have it. No one is forcing you, right? Why drive yourself crazy trying to understand something you don’t need?


Nature again is just trying to get you to reproduce in the end.
Nature is not doing anything. It’s people making choices. Everyone is responsible for the choices they make. Nature does not force anyone to have sex. It’s people who say this and that is or is not natural.


Btw this ISN'T meant to sound depressing. My post is supposed to feel emotionless as that is how I am.

Isn’t being emotionless depressing?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Asexuality: a different kind of orientation
Posted: 1/5/2014 2:39:26 PM

It's good that this kind of person be given a named category, and as much respect as any other person.

Thank you. That is also my viewpoint. One must be able to have language in order for open dialog to happen.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Asexuality: a different kind of orientation
Posted: 1/5/2014 9:40:29 AM

If nothing turns you on enough to have sex of any kind, that is truly a sad life! having reproductive organs and refusing to use them is like being able to see but walking around blind folded. These people or either over thinking sex or under thinking it.


Many people don’t understand “a so called asexual person”. I don’t think one needs to understand something to respect it. It may be a sad life in your eyes, but it’s their life. I’ve researched this subject and met many of them. They were/are very happy with their lives.

Just because you have reproductive organs doesn’t mean you must use them. Refusing? All kinds of people regardless of sexual orientation have sex even though they may not be into it for many reasons, good or bad. Having children through pregnancy or by adoption is a choice for all sexual orientations. Are you saying everyone who choses not to have children is torturing themselves?

It is one thing to have your own preference but another to tell other people what they ought to be doing or feeling in order to qualify for happiness. Just something to think about. Maybe you feel threatened by the idea. This is the case with many so called non-asexual people who refuse to acknowledge the happiness of people who identify as asexual.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Thrifty or Tacky?
Posted: 1/4/2014 7:07:42 PM
You already know how you feel about it. How would hearing other peoples opinion change anything?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Asexuality: a different kind of orientation
Posted: 1/4/2014 6:34:35 PM

It's still nonsensical because it's not a sexual orientation, it's just a low libido. They could simply be on mediation or be depressed or have some other condition that affects their libido.


It is not your sexual orientation but the ones’ who are asexual. If their disinterest in sex was because they were on medication, depressed, or had some other condition that affects their libido they would miss sex and want it even though they can’t. Also, asexual individuals are just as entitled to feel depressed, take medication or have low libido just like any other person who identifies as non-asexual without being swept under the same carpet as the ones who are truly depressed or broken in some way.

What makes it an orientation is that asexual individuals can and do have a libido but do not feel they need someone else to satisfy these needs for them. They simply do not feel any sexual attraction to someone even if they feel a romantic, intellectual, or emotional attraction towards them.

Asexual does not mean no libido at all. It means NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION toward others. This is the reason why many do masturbate without feeling stimulated by outside factors. This is the reason a kiss or foreplay feels like holding hands to them.

Unfortunately there is no better word out there yet to describe this orientation. People who don’t understand asexuality but want but to understand it need to realize, ASEXUAL means no sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean “no libido”. This misunderstanding is the core of the entire controversy.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Flirting or Friendly
Posted: 1/3/2014 12:52:00 AM
Op, can you just tell us what happened? All we know from your post is that he has told you he has a wife and you feel he is “too friendly”, meaning he is flirting with you. You've told us your perception of something that you failed to share with us.

Yes, you do need more words. Use them and tell us what actually happened.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 172 (view)
 
I'm 25 yrs old, He is 50 yrs old....can it work???
Posted: 12/29/2013 7:10:36 PM
I always say that people need to make their own decisions, mistakes, and learning experiences. Why not her too? When you're 25 you think you'll be together with the person you love forever even if he was 26 instead of 50. But most of the time feelings and circumstances change. My advice, if she was still reading, would be -I wouldn't do it if I were you because of a, b, c, d etc... but you go ahead because you are the one that will have to live with the decision no matter what the outcome is.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
What to do, go in or back off?
Posted: 12/29/2013 6:52:19 PM

If she's just asexual I am very ok with that.

It sounds like she is interested in you and very open about her asexuality. Ask her out, especially since you’re okay with her being an asexual.

1. Asexuality is an orientation. It has nothing to do with religion or a choice. Asexuals are not robots. They too want an intimate meaningful relationship even if sex is not part of it. There are many types of attraction.

2. Just because you don't mind her being an asexual doesn't mean there is going to be chemistry or that she will be attracted to you.

3. But if you both are attracted to each other, that's awesome and you'll be both lucky to have each other.

Go find out.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Text Messaging is ruining my dating life.
Posted: 12/28/2013 5:49:48 PM
Text Messaging is ruining my dating life.

There is no point in text messaging before meeting someone. Also, receiving a text message does not mean you are dating someone. Therefore, it can't ruin something that doesn't exist. Even meeting someone the first few times doesn't mean you're dating. However, if people are misusing your number by text messaging you instead of making an effort to meet you, simply don't give out your number. If your initial contact was through the site, what difference does it make if you continue to communicate through the site until a personal meeting is arranged?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
How long will you communicate via email/phone before you lose interest?
Posted: 12/28/2013 5:37:55 PM
Two weeks max.

A picture of someone should motivate me to read their profile.
Their profile should make me want to either contact them or reply if they have contacted me.
A few e-mail exchanges should flow naturally followed by us wanting to see each other in person to confirm the impression we have of each other is accurate before more time, effort, and hope is invested into the electronic relationship. Reality check!

The first meet is not an act of trust. It's the natural progression of getting to know someone at a public place without getting attached to an image we have of them. If I'm not sure I want to meet someone in person after having seen their profile, picture, and a few exchanges of e-mails, there is no point in continuing the contact or exchanging numbers.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 47 (view)
 
At what point is it considered harassment?...
Posted: 12/14/2013 9:47:07 AM

The law laughs at psycho women. I had a restraining order against my first ex. She came by and I called the cops. The cops came over and you know what? They had the nerve to ask me to give her a ride back to her place because her car wouldn't start! If it were a guy violating the order, he'd been cuffed and stuffed asap. Arrgghhh

In CA? I'm shocked. Hearing this makes me mad cause it's blatant gender discrimination.
 
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