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 Author Thread: Too unrealistic and/or setting myself up for failure?
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Too unrealistic and/or setting myself up for failure?
Posted: 12/31/2013 12:02:19 PM
You sound similar to my boyfriend. He's very introverted and finds social situations quite hard because he's also incredibly shy. We met on pof and couldn't be happier. You need to put the work in and be prepared to sift through all the unsuitable people to find the gems. They are on here . I agree with the other posters who say you need to push your boundaries and expand your horizons. Get used to talking to people again, without any expectation and the pressure will reduce. Your dream woman could well be on here but you have to be able to talk to her
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Top Ten Prospect feature
Posted: 12/24/2013 1:02:07 AM

There should be a feature that removes people from the best matches list, there are girls in that list that I've met and they never led to anything and there's no way the site would know which chicks are disastrous vs those who aren't. Maybe a rating feature or something..


totally. i can see why they wont let you give negative feedback for everyone else to see, but there should most definitely be a button for 'this person wasnt compatible i dont want them popping up in my lists'

In general, it'd be nice if you could choose to remove exes from your searches too - it's not particularly pleasant when youre back on here after a breakup and they still keep coming up in your lists as online all the time.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
 
bisexual deal breaker
Posted: 12/23/2013 10:22:47 AM
I wouldnt be put off dating a man just because he was bisexual. If he was everything i was looking for in a partner and we had a great connection then it wouldnt matter. As long as I'm the one he wants now who cares who else he may have wanted in the past, male or female?
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Once a cheater...
Posted: 12/23/2013 9:32:03 AM
I cheated in the past, when i was young (in my teens) and very very messed up. I went through extensive mental health treatment when i was 20, gained a huge amount of self worth and understanding, and met a wonderful guy who taught me what a real relationship should be like. I understood my cheating for what it was, an act of self destruction at a time when I had no love or respect for myself.

Having gained a sense of self worth now through a lot of hard work, I would never (and have never since) cheat again. Even when a relationship has gone south, even when 'drunk' and all of the other host of 'temptation situations'. I can 100% say i absolutely wont again because i understand now the damage it did to me as a person, let alone the relationships i was in.

As some others have said, it hugely depends on the reason he cheated in the past and his level of self awareness. I would give him a chance, but that's only because i know that cheaters do not always continue to cheat.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 42 (view)
 
online dating has it made you wary.
Posted: 12/23/2013 6:12:49 AM
Online dating hasn't made me wary, i've had some good dates, some bad dates and met one absolutely amazing person who im with now.

I think you need to be really selective who you choose to meet, because the few times i thought 'ah he isn't my normal type but i'll give it a go and meet them anyway', were the times where the dates were downright bad. Mostly though i had nice dates with nice people, and whilst they didn't rock my world they were not in any way a bad catch or a bad person.

I'd usually get to a couple of months stint of actively dating on here then get would find myself taking it all a little too seriously so i'd take a break and come back to it when i wasn't feeling that way any more.

Everyone who says you need to build a happy single life is correct, the happier you are being single, the less you will feel that you need a partner and therefore dates that don't result in the perfect chemistry won't be so disappointing. Likewise, relationships are never a waste of time, you can learn valuable lessons from almost every interaction you have with someone if you are prepared to look at them with a suitably open mind.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Top Ten Prospect feature
Posted: 12/23/2013 4:39:34 AM
The top 10 feature didn't indicate a 'more compatible' person when i was dating a few months ago. One 3 date stretch, one absolute misfire (no second date at all) and it also kept repeatedly recommending (top prospect HA) a total asshat that screwed me over a couple of years ago.

mildly amusing though that POF was so convinced he was my best prospect!
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 123 (view)
 
Are introverts only attracted to introverts?
Posted: 11/27/2013 5:50:46 AM
I'm extrovert and i usually end up with introvert guys - i like that theyre quite and calm and focussed - i think they tend to be more caring and i like to be the life and soul of the party, not in competition with my other half. i think they like dating me because i make social situations/meeting people a bit easier for them because i can facilitate conversation well and fill in the gaps if there are any.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 67 (view)
 
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 9/20/2013 11:16:38 AM
OP - i have recently been doing some similar thinking about my 'pattern' with the men i choose and why my relationships have not worked so far.

I came to the conclusion that because of a big heartbreak in my past, i was subconsiously choosing the wrong guys, because i was afraid to choose someone i could really fall for, allow myself to trust and truly invest in. In my case when the guy i wholeheartedly believe was the one, and gave my all to, told me he didn't love me enough to marry me, I then started dating younger men, none of who were in that space... and none of who i relied on. Like you, i was the adult, i looked after them, led them, and essentially never allowed myself to need them at all.

You need to look at what has sparked this, really think about WHY you are choosing these women. List down the things you that made you not trust them, and think about why you choose to put up with those behaviours. do you feel deep down that you need to stay in these relationships because you are not worth more? because ultimately, we choose to stay in these relationships and that is what hurts us more long term.

From my analysis i determined. no one younger than me. No matter how mature they might think they are, they will not want what i want in the timescales i want them. And that being alone is far better than being with someone not right, every second you spend with soemone not right is a second wasted that you could be looking for your ultimate match. Alone is not terrifying or bad. Concentrate on YOU, on making sure that you are happy confident and love yourself. it's much easier to see when someone does not value you, when you know what you are worth.

and finally, keep that list of bad signs that you have seen in your past relationships, the signals if you like, and if you see any of them come up when you are dating someone, exit swiftly.

You will find someone you can trust, only when you trust yourself enough to know that you CAN identify them
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Just wondering...
Posted: 9/6/2013 11:48:57 AM
I send first messages occasionally, but usually find i get no reply, or just a reply and then no further conversation. so it has been my experience that the guys who message me are more interested. not that it stops me trying.

regarding first messages, i get quite a few (luckily) that pick out things from my profile, which ill usually respond to because theyve made the effort to read it. but it doesn't necessarily grab my interest. what gets my interest is humour.

best first message i got started with

"well you appear to be the only girl on the south coast who isnt orange or named after a type of wine. well done.

I also play the game of getting other people lost - they should have a better sense of humour

how are you today?"

THAT got my attention straight away, it was funny, confident, mentioned something in my profile that wasnt the immediate thing everyone else picks up on, and even though he was not my type from his pictures i met up with him because his conversation and sense of humour were spot on,
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Did I just jump the gun?
Posted: 7/20/2013 2:04:42 AM
Nope, he was only interested in sex - i'd have given him the heave ho very quickly too...

seriously don't waste your time wondering about him, you absolutely didn't miss out on anything worthwhile, or probably even much good in the sack
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
 
The Best Sex Ever....
Posted: 7/19/2013 1:30:37 PM
Well i tend to think that their ex was the best sex ever before they met me so the phrase is not really a problem in itself. In all seriousness sex generally gets better the older you get (or so i've found) and with each partner you experience more and grow more confident in your likes and dislikes, so it wouldn't worry me.


It would put my guard up a bit though as to whether they were actually over the Ex in question.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Does making friends online with male consider as cheating?
Posted: 8/24/2012 5:44:35 AM
i agree that if you are worried about him finding out thats not a good sign. Talk to him, be honest about the fact that you are lonely and tell him that you are online to meet friends. Personally i wouldnt look for friendship with men specifically, id be on meetup looking for activities to do where i would meet likeminded people and hopefully meet a group of friends of both sexes. Whilst you can make friends through these forums if your intention really is just friends i think this maybe the wrong site to do this. Id be pissed if it were my boyfriend on here specifically looking for female friends
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 59 (view)
 
So how come most of you men say you want a relationship?
Posted: 6/3/2012 12:25:17 PM

totally agree with both of you girls. And the funny thing is that these guys who think they can get a girl like Megan Fox are totally self deluded.
Any man who has anything at all going for him can get sex pretty easily. I'm not sure why girls out there do that.
Girls, you are ruining it for the rest of us.
Men won't be gentlemen and won't treat women right unless they are forced to. Sad but true.
Hey, this is just my opinion so I don't need a backlash of hate mail.



Wow i struggle to believe you actually think like that .... do you??

I've never had to force anyone to be a gentleman and I've met some wonderful guys. just because things didn't work out long term didn't mean that they were ungentlemanly, or indeed commitment phobic. Fair enough there are some tools out there but honestly that's not gender specific!

OP - rejection is never pleasant, but everyone experiences it.... you have to try to appreciate that just because they didn't feel the same connection it doesn't mean you are any less valuable and worthwhile. And it is much, MUCH better to be told that someone doesnt want a relationship with you, then to be strung along when they have no intention of taking things further.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince - be patient - the right guy will not be afraid to commit.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 36 (view)
 
To tell or not to tell...
Posted: 5/30/2012 2:05:52 AM
Im not sure to be honest - my initial response was "tell her" but to be honest when you seriously consider it, it seems like itll be a big old mess with you stuck in the middle. Im not sure that i would want to get involved ... if you do then i agree with tagging the photos (or just messaging them to her) and then explaining that he told you he was single and that you fooled around. Then id block them. The last thing you want is to get further involved in this.

And ignore the people who were questioning your own character because of the fact that you met a guy in a bar PPPFFFFT - I've met some wonderful people in bars, long term boyfriends and friends alike - it's beyond bullcr*p to think that has anything to do with any of it.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Ladies would you masturbate and let someone watch?
Posted: 5/8/2012 10:25:47 AM
Yes absolutely - many many fun times come from putting on a show for your partner :-P
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 71 (view)
 
Passing gas during Oral...ever happen and how did you handle it?
Posted: 5/8/2012 10:23:55 AM

69. My then gf was on top and getting into it. At one point she started to undulate and squirm and I thought she was going to orgasm so I grabbed on to her booty and buried my face all the way in...to be welcomed by a rhythmic twitching of her anus along with a wafting of eau de poop. I started laughing and she turned 30 shades of red.


OMG that is by far the funniest story! i would have DIED!

I don't think i've ever farted during oral but I did queef once and then have to EXPLAIN to the guy what a queef was (he didn't believe me and was horrified) and it wasn't until i looked it up several times on the internet and he'd checked with his friend that it was normal that he finally believed me it wasn't a big deal.

I have also been told that I fart like a trouper when i'm asleep.... :-S I maintain though that if i'm not conscious I cannot be held accountable.... or be the subject of revenge
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 83 (view)
 
How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/8/2012 9:16:39 AM

Hmm giving affection to others and helping others isn't something I had thought about before, when being single. But it does make sense.

I would really love to have a pet, but I work long hours and live in the middle of town, so it would be a little unfair.

I do think that an additional way of meeting people, perhaps a second casual job will help. I do also long for more single friends..


That's why i keep rats (at the moment) or hamsters... they require minimal care except food water cage cleaning and a bit of social time with you, and it still feels good having a snuggle with them or playing with them whilst they're out. Very convenient pets.

have you tried meetup.com? it's a site to help you meet different people and learn new activities. I thought it would be rubbish but just went to a conversation exchange yesterday and it was brilliant - very friendly group of people and made a fair few new friends. Highy recommend.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 30 (view)
 
I only feel smothered when I don't like you...
Posted: 5/7/2012 9:49:09 AM
Agree- I only feel smothered when he's not rocking my world.

And regarding the fact that the thread is five years old - since i was guilty of resurrecting a 3 year old one I have to side with the people who don't want umpteen duplicate threads posted :-P
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Girl wants to take it slow - next steps?
Posted: 5/7/2012 9:09:47 AM

"You ask her if she'd like you to leave her alone for a week and call her after next weekend. You ask her if she'd like you to take a step back on the physical front and leave the ball in her court to initiate physical contact, or if its okay if you initiate kissing, hand holding, but not push beyond the boundaries she's already set."

Smart advice. BE CLEAR!!!!

you thinking backing off for a week means "taking it slow" can, in actuality, give her mixed signals, especially if you've been in contact on a more regular basis. as Jac suggested, ASKING her- or telling her you'll be busy all week and would it be ok to call her next weekend- is a much better tact then just dropping off the earth for a week and popping up later hoping she missed you.
look at the timing- you go on a date, she tells you she wants to take things slow after a makeout session and you drop off the face of the earth. how does that look to you?

Guys often think "taking it slow" means taking EVERYTHING slow. It means she's not ready to be that intimate with you yet and thats all.
so if you were in a daily contact with her, continue to do so. make activity dates where you go out and DO something- mini golf, bowling, kayaking, the beach- and stay OUT of the bedroom.
be affectionate. practice that kissing. build the heat. when she's ready, she'll let you know. if your smart, you'll follow her lead there.This allows you to quote a previous post.


Epically agree with the combination of advice you have already received. Communicate with her rather than dropping off the face of the earth and if you really need to, ask her to clarify what she means by take it slow. I do think it's the physical rather than the contact/seeing each other but there's no harm in being a bit busier for a few days- but make sure you're still in contact.

The only thing i would add is that (personally) if someone is trying to leave, don't force them to stay with you by continuing to approach them on a physical level (kissing) when they have just put the brakes on. For me, that would make me not want to see you again.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 537 (view)
 
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 5/6/2012 12:20:56 PM
My longest relationship (5 years) came from sex on the first date - however I did get the feeling that even when we were living together and discussing marriage he still judged me a little bit for it (he was brought up religious though and had very strong views about "nice girls"- Bleurgh).

Having said that - sex is very important to me in my relationships, so I would rather sleep with someone early ish in the dating process, so I know whether we're compatible long term. I have no interest in developing feelings for anyone who can't rock my world in the bedroom and if any guy thinks that makes me a slapper then they're obviously not compatible with me.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/4/2012 1:26:41 PM
Pets and two jobs is what helps me when i'm single (one normal 9-5 and a couple of shifts down a bar so I get to be social/meet new people etc).

nothing like being greeted by furry faces that are absolutely thrilled to see you, and not having time to sit around and mope. the two together make for one happy and fulfilled single life
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Is he being serious?
Posted: 5/4/2012 1:22:33 PM
Yes he really can care about you lots and be ok without talking for a day or two. i'm currently travelling round spain and only skype my OH once a week (maybe twice if it's convenient) and usually if it gets to 2 or 3 days without any contact he or I will send an im through facebook to let the other one know we're thinking of them. my OH is not a big texter and works odd shift hours so i don't expect to hear from him every day. If everything else is going right then look at the rest and see that whether he texts constantly really doesn't make any difference.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Your partner gets a lap dance from a stripper, is that cheating?
Posted: 5/3/2012 8:51:42 AM
it's not cheating, but it;s not an entirely fabulous feeling to have your man confess he's been to a strip club and got a lap dance.... it's not something i would do without discussing it first with my partner and honestly i'd rather go with him so i can see what all the fuss is about. I'm fine with looking, but the idea of someone else doing a lap dance on my man is unappealing.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
gf broke up with me, still wants to have sex
Posted: 4/30/2012 3:13:46 PM
It won't win her back.... deep down you know full well that if she wanted you she wouldn't have ended it in the first place. I'm really sorry hon it's a stinker of a situation to be in but the best thing you can do is just crack on with your life as well as possible and make sure she doesn't know you're having a tough time of it and that you miss her.

Don't allow her to use you, you clearly don't deserve to be messed up that way.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
gf broke up with me, still wants to have sex
Posted: 4/30/2012 2:32:50 PM
She doesn't think you're the one she wants to end up with long term. However, she's happy to hook up with you while she looks for the one she really wants, at which point you will be dropped like a hot potato. If you care about her even a little bit don't even consider it. cut contact and move on with your life because the feelings of romance and relationship for her are definitely gone. she may think you're a wonderful person, she may want to get in your pants, but she does not want to be in a relationship with you. that, is why she ended it.

Since you say you still love her, this will be painful and emotional suicide... her feelings for you won't change, and you'll end up strung along wishing things were differnt until she finds someone she wants to be with,

BAD IDEA
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Have the forums bit you in the butt?
Posted: 4/30/2012 2:12:52 PM
I've posted a couple of things on the forum about my current relationship (when we first got together), but he's not on POF so he wouldn't be identifiable to other forum posters. He's seen the posts i have made though and wasn't upset by them. I think I would hesitate to post anything truly intimate, and if we had an arguement or disagreement i wouldn't post about it because it just doesnt look good ****ing about your OH all over the internet.

I think it depends what you're posting. If it;s complementary and general "I've met a wonderful person and i'm super excited" that's not necessarily going to go down badly, but yea moaning about someone's grotty habit, especially if theyre also a member is not ideal at all
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Unsure as to where I stand!
Posted: 4/30/2012 2:04:40 PM
Haha there are some people on the forums who will always jump down the neck of the OP just to try and cause some dramaz- if you hang around you'll get to spot the worst offenders. The forums are ace you just have to ignore the people who can't see the wood for the trees and take what's useful. I thought your username was funny, and i think if after meeting/talking to you a guy can't tell that youre not all about your username then they're an idiot.

Glad that's the same lines you were thinking along with the guy - it's a shame that he's proved to be less than ideal, but honestly if he wants to see you he really will step up the effort. Just try not to let your heart get in the way and definitely don't let him pick you up and drop you at will... which is easier said than done of course :-)

EDIT LilliMarleen makes a very good point - that is very intense far too soon and should be treated with deep suspicion!
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Unsure as to where I stand!
Posted: 4/30/2012 1:53:18 PM
OP - seems you have done your fair share of phoning him to arrange meet ups. whilst i don't think you should drop him completely if you really like him, DON'T chase again. time for him to put some work in. Fill your diary with other stuff and wait to see if he will contact you. if he does, just think carefully about whether you want to give him another chance to cancel on you. Words are very cheap and usually a mans actions will say how he's really feeling. be busy... then you won't think of him too much. let him get in touch with you and if he wants to meet again do it on a night where you have nothing better to do. don't cancel plans for him or anything because he has shown he is unreliable.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
please tell me why im so poular jk jk
Posted: 4/28/2012 3:15:56 AM

I Like the pictures i think you look cute. To be honest what would put me off is (as you have anticipated) the fact that you are in the army. Namely because I'd think you'd be away for long periods of time and it would make things harder.


I douby many people think that critically when they view a profile.


I do - i'm sure that mean's I'm not the only one. Women do think about potential future snags early on and something like that where there's a chance of them being called away for long periods of time and being placed in dangerous countries is most definitely something that some women will consider very carefully.

Also seconded on the "wants to date but nothing serious" having been well and truly messed around by a guy who wanted that I wouldn't look twice at someone with that as their intention. All it says to me is "emotional mess who wants a f**k buddy"
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
The nicest thing a partner can do to treat you
Posted: 4/27/2012 4:07:19 PM
^^^ aww thats super sweet though, its lovely when someone ecknowledgesyour needs before you even need to voice them ;-)

CD - yep i wouldn't say no to a beach resort who would??!
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Question....
Posted: 4/27/2012 3:17:54 PM
Remove the first photo and the last two from your profile and either make the one of you and your broo or the one next to it your main picture. You're not a bad looking guy but those two are the best and yes many women will judge by the pictures first whether they want to read the rest. JMO
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Review my profile please
Posted: 4/27/2012 3:15:00 PM
think you would have been getting more views purely because they cannot actually see you in that main photo - it doesn't mean they're reading your profile at all. anyway try the changes you said you would make and good luck :-)
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Ladies, should I include this photo in my profile? Yay or nay?
Posted: 4/27/2012 3:13:04 PM
The eyes in that picture are good - you should crop the body out and use the face as yes, it's a handsome face shot of you. However i too am massively put off the instant I see a shirtless photo on a guys profile. Just makes me assume he's up himself and out to get laid,

Take the nice face andditch the rest of the body til you get asked for it :-P
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Review my profile please
Posted: 4/27/2012 2:56:48 PM
I like your profile actually - it's pretty good :-)

You could go into a bit more details about what you are looking for in a woman and try to include some humour because that's always attractive.

Your photos definitely need re-thinking. Your first photo (the one you currently have as your main one) is not flattering. You can't see your figure and it makes you look like you have a weak chin (sorry). Your second one is MUCH nicer, except it would be better still if you had happened to be wearing contacts as the glasses are one of the first things you see. However, your smile is lovely and you're obviously a good looking guy so maybe just try and choose better pictures? the one with the moustaches is fun but may put people off, the 4th one you look really good in, and the 5 th isn't bad either.

Sorry for the waffle but i pretty much think if you pick ANY of your other photos as your main pic you#'ll do far better. Please try and get another one of your face close up and smiling but without the glasses and I bet you get so many more responses.

Good luck sorry if i was a bit too honest with the critique :-S
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
please tell me why im so poular jk jk
Posted: 4/27/2012 2:39:51 PM
I Like the pictures i think you look cute. To be honest what would put me off is (as you have anticipated) the fact that you are in the army. Namely because I'd think you'd be away for long periods of time and it would make things harder.

not sure what you can do about that other than downplay it or not have it on your profile and discuss on a first date. sorry i can't be much help
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Games??
Posted: 4/27/2012 11:17:29 AM
^^^ Uh OP said it's an open relationship

OP - some games are fun, especially when you win. Some are not.... It very much depends whether you show consideration for the other person or not. Yes dating is a game, but there are good ways to play and there are hurtful ways to play. The people who say they don't like games are entitled to their opinion as you are to yours, but I suspect they will have good reasons not to enjoy the way they have been played in the past.

Personally I prefer meeting people in person than online, because there's a lot of extra work you have to put in if you date from the net. When you have met someone interesting out and about, talked all evening and got to the point where they ask to see you again (if you agree) - you have already cut out a massive part of the online selection process. However, I don't meet people in bars often at all- Most of them are drunk, and boring.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Long Distance Relationships
Posted: 4/27/2012 5:14:54 AM
I'm in that situation at the moment. I'm travelling round spain and currently 2 months into a 3 month trip, and have had to leave my boyfriend behind. I met him in november last year so when i left we had only been together about 3 months. However, we were nuts about each other from the get go and although it's been tough as I do worry more because of the fact that we don't have a very long term relationship behind us, we're doing just fine. He visited last week which helped a lot, and skype has been a wonder. 3 months isn't that long, it's very manageable.... If you guys are really happy together then go for the long distance thing and try to stump up the cash for a visit or something halfway through :-)
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Introvert vs. Shy/Anti-social
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:15:42 AM
I'm an extrovert and have some friends that are introverts. I don't perceive it as being shy though. shy people to me are the ones that want to be social/dance/life and soul of the party, but fear of the consequences doesn't allow them to. I don't *think* that introverts want those things so fear of the consequences of acting extrovert doesn't come into it. I find it much harder to understand shy people than people who just find their pleasure and happiness in a different way to mine because shy people *seem* to me to be missing out on what they actually want to do.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 58 (view)
 
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 8:01:48 AM
I agree that there are various levels of controlling and it's hard to know what you're wanting to avoid without a bit more detail. I know that I am naturally quite a controlling person (i'm a perfectionist, tend to have a polarised view of the world and can overreact emotionally to certain things) however it's something I make a conscious effort to be aware of and often just need a few minutes of space to work things out in my head and calm down. There are definitely people who make that easier and people who make that more difficult.

I'm not saying you should put up with a relationship you don't want to be in, but if the rest is otherwise worthwhile, then look at your reactions and see if there is a pattern to why things escalate. Raise the issue with the person you're dating and see whether improvements on both sides could be made.

On the flip side, I've experienced relationships where the controlling began with small snide comments about the way I looked, my leisure activities, my friends, being too "loud" or Over excitable etc and ended up with being both isolated and constantly aware that in their opinion you're never good enough, and you're right- that is not a healthy relationship. I would never now be with someone who didn't seem to really LIKE me. If they don't like how you dress, how you communicate with people, and won't get along with the people who love you then those would all be warning signs to me.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Needs to Slow down
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:25:25 AM
If you're seeing each other this weekend try doing something fun but less focused on being a couple e.g. instead of overly romantic dinners or something try doing something fun and outdoorsy like hiking or go Karting (obviously pick somethign she'll actually like). If she's feeling that everything is a bit intense then pick activities that allow you to get those excitement endorphins going around each other without being overtly intimate.

if you can show that you're not intently concentrating on the romantic/sexual side of things she may well relax and realise how much fun you are. Do something different!

For the rest, when you're not seeing her... don't contact her constantly, don't text her daily or multiple times per day, allow her to get on with things and just hang back a little. Go find lots of other stuff to keep yourself occupied and give her the space she's asked for. Keep yourself busy though because otherwise you'll find it hard and if you spend too much time worrying about it then your time together could be affected too.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Profiles that say “Looking for my life partner”, “Someone to grow old with”. Etc.
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:07:17 AM
I think it's much better to be upfront if marriage is what you're after because, aside from it weeding out the people who would find that level of honesty demanding (it isn't imo), I know an awful lot of people (guys and girls) who are against marriage as an institution for a variety of reasons. It makes things easier on both sides if you know what the expectation is, so you avoid the pain of falling for someone over the long term and then finding out they have totally different plans and ideas of commitment than you. Whilst I respect people who do not wish to get married for their own reasons, I consider it important and i would hate to spend years with someone and find out that they were never going to want to get married.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Sex and ignoring
Posted: 4/18/2012 1:31:28 AM
Hi OP,

Despite a run of bad luck I don;t think you're doing anything massively wrong... I do second the comment about trying to meet people away from plenty of fish, although you said that one of the guys was your friend for two years so that obviously wasn't a dating site hookup. However, I also wonder how your communication/reaction is when you feel ignored by them? Do you react at all or question them on why they have dropped off the radar and how long after you don;t hear from them do you decide they have?

Basically I wonder whether, because you see a pattern of guys disappearing rather than doing the decent thing and letting you down properly, you are either pre-empting that before it's happened (i.e. a short ish break in communication puts you on your guard and then your communication takes on a confrontational tone because you see a pattern repeating itself) or, maybe they're backing off expecting you to chase and you're not. I Could be completely wrong and in all likelihood they're just the type of idiots who don't have the mental strength and communication skills to be able to do the decent thing. Still, it may be worth looking at your own behaviour and communication and trying to see whether there is a pattern at all.

However, if it's just the 3 guys you have mentioned i wouldn't worry about it, 3 is not exactly hundreds so i wouldn't consider it a permanent trend. My friend had a run of guys that just dropped off the face of the earth when they couldn't be bothered to keep seeing her and then the last couple have been perfect gentlemen when it came to breaking things off so it does seem to be luck of the draw too. You obviously have a lot going for you so just try to see whether they have any similarities in character or behaviour that may help you spot this type of person earlier, amd then get on with your life because they really aren't worth wasting your time over.

Oh and if your longstanding "friend" tries to get back in with you then tell him to go jump off a cliff!
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
girl problems
Posted: 4/17/2012 12:15:34 PM
I think you haven't hit the right thing to generate a mutual interest in shared experiences. it sounds like the things in her life she finds interesting 9raving/partying etc you don't, and the things you find interesting she doesn't (otherwise she would be engaging and asking you questions about them).

if i had been dating someone a month or more you can guarantee they would have been invited out on a night with my friends doing something i loved.... but then it's important to me that my guy enjoy the same lifestyle i do.... I don't think either of you is *that*interested in each other and it really seems you don't have that much in common. when you do, conversation flows.

So while i don't think you lack social skills or anything like that i think maybe you're picking the wrong woman. find someone you really click with rather than someone who takes a whole lot of work to try to be around because it absolutely is not that hard when you meet the right person.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
would you be upset?
Posted: 4/16/2012 5:17:25 AM
There are some things worth fighting over and this really isn't one of them. Guys don't always notice the same detail as women. This is a minor detail and honestly what really matters is how you feel when your with him, if he makes you happy and on the whole feel loved and protected.... I think you should try to let this one go hon it's not worth upsetting yourself further over. It's not a reflection of his feelings about you at all.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Sneaky Pete Pulled Off the Condom...
Posted: 4/7/2012 6:24:45 PM
thats awful! not only was he risking your life through unprotected sex that you didn't consent to (he could have had an std and not known about it), but also even if the goal were pregnancy its YOUR body... pregnancy can be very dangerous for women with certain medical conditions... he was taking your life in his hands in so many ways. disgusting.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
No big O.
Posted: 4/7/2012 1:22:24 PM
I too find it hard to orgasm, i didn't have my first one until i was 21 and bought a rampant rabbit. A lot of it for me was phychological. I still struggle to orgasm with a man although i'm getting better at getting myself off without mechanical aid. A lot of people will say that it's a bad idea to rely on a vibrator, which it is, but as a start that's what i would go with. Go to a sex shop and find something small, comfortable and soft where you can vary the speed. Use some lube and play around. I think half the battle is knowing what it feels like and what you're aiming for, once you have managed to get yourself off once, it becomes easier, and you can start using your fingers, pornography, anything atmospheric to get you in the mood and work towards being able to do it yourself. then you can work with a partner (an understanding one) to work out what works for you with someone else.

That would be my advice. Find any way you can to get there in the first place, and work from that. Toys worked for me. :-)

good luck... it's hard when you can't because you feel there's something wrong with you, and even the most understanding man can make the pressure worse... just find something that works for you and worry about the man bit later.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
experiences
Posted: 4/7/2012 11:54:54 AM
actually that's the kind of banter i would have liked, funny, slightly challenging... all good things. she should have said flat out she wasnt interested because i think ops messages were good
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Clit spankings...turn on or off?
Posted: 4/7/2012 11:20:02 AM
i can't think of anything more annoying than someone patting my clitoris with any part of their anatomy. I don't get why they do it in porn because not only is it ridiculous to see but it does nothing for me. each to their own i guess.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 4/7/2012 11:09:37 AM
I agree with pitufina... I am a well educated woman, I have a good job, my own house, and am very capable of supporting myself, I feel I have a lot to offer. However; All i've ever wanted was a family, to create that space and that legacy of my genes, and a good caring environment to bring up children in. however, if women (who call themselves feminists) ask me what i want to do, and i tell them that, then i get told that i'm backwards, and am ruining the cause of feminism. I've been called ungrateful, and told that I don't appreciate the opportunities others have worked for, just because i don't want to work a 70 hour week and take over the world.

I feel that as with many other good causes, feminism has changed to mean less that what it was originally intended to mean. It was about the choice and freedom to follow our dreams. it now seems to mean that i have a choice, as long as i choose to work, set aside my dreams of a family, and give up on what i was biologically created to do. In other words no choice at all....

funny that.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How to respond to a generic profile?
Posted: 4/6/2012 3:36:13 PM
don't bother, if they can't be arsed to put the effort in to write a decent profile but expect you to come up with an interesting, funny and individual message you can bet for sure they'll expect you to do all the work in the relationship with little to no effort from them. Why bother trying to talk to someone who doesn't give to the same standard that they expect to receive? Not my cup of tea that's for sure.
 
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