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 Author Thread: First date... Dinner.. and.. naptime?
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
First date... Dinner.. and.. naptime?
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:59:24 PM

LOL true story.... and because i left him at the table, he has blocked me on PoF and his cell carrier. I tried to apologize for leaving ( because im actually a nice person) i was unable to express my displeasure at the entire disaster of a date.


lol this isn't being nice, it's being a doormat. Keeping your opinion to yourself despite being immensely disrespected does neither of you any favors.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Is online flirting considering cheating?
Posted: 9/13/2011 8:05:25 PM
Everybody has different ideals, and what two people believe about cheating may not necessarily line up.

People can tell you till they're blue in the face that you're right or wrong. But it's all subjective, honestly. What's important is how you feel about it. If you are upset by the behavior, then you should probably be dating somebody that holds the same values you do, instead of repeatedly trying to repair a relationship with somebody who seems to be far less invested than you are.

Look at it this way... how many times are you going to have this conversation before you decide... that you're going to spend the rest of your life having this conversation?
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Hinting to me that she's going to break off a long-distance thing...
Posted: 9/13/2011 7:57:25 PM
A lot of people seem to be happy to make assumptions and trash talk a chick they don't even know, but I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. PoF's always been like that.

Anyway, this is really simple. Stop him-hawing around about it and tell her what you're thinking. Tell her that you like her, and you'd love to go out on a date with her, but you're not comfortable doing so until she's absolutely single. Encourage her to discuss the situation with her boyfriend, and to get back to you with the answer when she's taken care of it.

Whether she's jerking you around or not, only she really knows. But the only way you're going to find out is if you force her to actually make the decision. If she doesn't want to make it, then you have your answer.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
What makes you wanna call a women?
Posted: 9/13/2011 7:48:55 PM

I dealt with a game player today.

Made an excuse to miss a coffee date - ok fine - I know that things happen, no problem.

Then said I could take her out Friday - then five minutes later told me she was already seeing someone but wasn't "tied down."

Bye bye - I cut if off and wished her luck and that I hope it worked out for her but I wasn't interested in making a new "pal."

Men don't want to play teenage girl'esque games - and if they have any nads about themselves - they'll politely tell you to go find someone else to screw with.


Though I agree with most of what has been said already, I had to say something about this.

Based purely on the info given here, I would say that is explicitly not game playing. Being busy happens, and people (both men and women) are allowed to date more than one person at a time until such a time when they decide to be monogamous with somebody. Considering this woman hasn't even met you in person yet, and you're already writing her off for having another date, I'd say if anything, she's the one that dodged the bullet.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Giving you his phone number as opposed to asking for yours?
Posted: 9/13/2011 7:41:28 PM

I know I am a bit old-fashioned, but it seems pretty lazy for a guy just to say here, call me.


It's too easy to freak a girl out by something as innocuous as asking for their phone number. Unless there's been an amazing spark, you're shooting in the dark when/if you ask for any sort of personal information. Some women will be fine with it (or even encourage it), while others will make a complete 180 because she's hyper-paranoid.

Of course, offering your own phone number holds the risk of falling through the cracks because you put the ball in her court. But as men, I think most of us would prefer to have the girl fail to call, than to have to put up with some crazy **** going completely psycho because "you're creepy" for asking for her number.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Woman gets dumped by her BFF because her husband is friends with her ex.
Posted: 6/4/2011 1:48:16 PM
If I had to make a wild guess, I would assume the friend did this because she didn't trust herself to NOT ask about her ex on a regular basis, which would only relapse her healing process.

I can only imagine that she'll eventually come back around to being bffs again, once she's done healing. Even if it does suck that their relationship is on an indefinite hiatus.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
My ex and my best friend
Posted: 10/1/2010 1:51:09 PM

Greyfeld:

In this situation, the OP is clearly not over this man/still hurting from the break-up (I believe they broke up a few mos ago) and this woman knows the history (as her so called "best friend").

I can't fathom putting a friend through more pain and placing my "eyes" on her ex-bf (the man she is trying to get over). Everyone can do as they wish, but this is not something I would contemplate.

So we can agree to disagree.........


It's not her friend's fault that the OP isn't over it yet. When does it become "acceptable" to date a friend's ex? 6 months? 1 year? Never? What if the friend doesn't care about the ex in any way, shape or form?

What it boils down to is you're making the friend (who wants to date the ex) responsible for your feelings, which under any other situation is considered immature and childish.


I don't think painting her friends actions as betrayal is taking things overboard. After all, OP did state that she isn't over her ex, and if her supposed best friend is aware of this, then I would say that it isn't proper for her to be hanging around OP ex.


Again, it's not the friend's fault that the OP isn't over her ex, especially several months after the breakup.

I understand if somebody would feel certain emotions over the whole situation, afterall we're only human. But calling somebody's friendship and loyalty into question because they have romantic feelings over somebody that the OP, frankly, has no claim on, is unnecessary and narrow-minded.

It's not as if the friend is doing something malicious to hurt this person. She's just romantically interested in a guy who happened to have dated her friend in the past.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
My ex and my best friend
Posted: 10/1/2010 10:30:08 AM

My advisor in graduate school (who is also a friend) married an ex girlfriend of mine. It was a bit awkward at first, but I got over it. After all, I was no longer dating her and my advisor was a friend of mine, so I really should not have been bothered by it.


See? That's what I'm talking about.

Those who have been on this website for years should know best that true love doesn't just come up and bite you in the ass every day. So, why are you intentionally sabotaging the opportunity for other people just because you got your feelings hurt?

I'm not saying that it wouldn't be awkward or uncomfortable or what have you. But to paint the friend's actions as "betrayal" is a little much, I think, especially since when you look at it objectively, you're the one trying to rob your friend of a chance at a romantic relationship due to your own insecurity.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
My ex and my best friend
Posted: 10/1/2010 9:59:33 AM

^^I don't date anyone that my friends and/or family members have dated. It is just "taboo" in my opinion. You have to think about the outcome and consequences. Not to mention the awkwardness.

The OP is hurting after her ex left her, so why would her so called BFF consider dating him or going on a date? Just makes no F'n sense!


Maybe because they have something in common and wanted to spend more time with one another, the same way every other person on the planet decides to go on a date?

I never really understood why "my friend used to date them" is a deterrent to going out with somebody you genuinely have a romantic interest in. Everybody preaches mastering your emotions and getting past hurt, but then complains over something like this. It's pretty inconsistent, to be perfectly honest.


OP said that her friend ONLY knew her Ex briefly from being the third wheel..


So... it would be acceptable if they knew each other better? If that's not the case, then this statement is moot and has nothing to do with the discussion.


As others have expressed, a true FRIEND with consideration of the future of that friendship would NOT date a friends Ex in such a case,


But why? Because the person that originally dated the ex can't get past their own emotions to wish for the happiness of their best friend and ex?

All I'm saying is that this line of thinking is completely irrational, and the supposed "taboo" behind this thought process has everything to do with coddling the emotions of one person by potentially ruining the happiness of two others.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 149 (view)
 
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 9:48:03 AM

No, it takes two to make and ONE to break a relationship (although it CAN be mutual). If I decided to bring a bar pickup to our home and screw her there, what part of it would be YOUR fault? If you had any 'fault' that caused me to turn away from you, I should break up with you, then go to that bar.


I know this post is over a month old, and the poster is no longer around, but i just had to comment anyway.

As much as this might make you a victim, it doesn't absolve you from the fact that you married this person. A person who has a history of cheating should be expected to cheat, in which case, it's your fault for getting involved. A person who does NOT have a history of cheating does not cheat without a reason, which means there was something he wasn't getting at home.

This isn't to say "it's your fault he cheated, you're a bad person." I'm just saying that if you were truly honest with yourself, you would admit that there were signs you blatantly ignored, making the "two to tango" adage just as true now as it ever was.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
My ex and my best friend
Posted: 10/1/2010 9:33:36 AM
I have a legitimate question that I feel may be relevant to this thread.

If most people believe that it's none of their business who their exes date...

And most people believe it's none of their business who their friends date...

Why is it suddenly their business if their exes and friends date each other?
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 75 (view)
 
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 9/30/2010 12:49:48 PM

Why is he even socializing if he truly has no money at all?


This statement pretty much told me everything I need to know about you and your way of life.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
So, I'm confused about something
Posted: 7/21/2010 1:18:39 PM
You know, the reason I prefaced my post the way I did was to let people know that this is a GENUINE question, rising from pure curiosity, and nothing more.

I should have known that the PoF forums couldn't handle that.

For the record, there are social sites outside of PoF. There is no need to assume that the question ONLY pertains to this (broken) community.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
So, I'm confused about something
Posted: 7/21/2010 12:21:29 PM
Please keep in mind that this is a legitimate question, and I would like legitimate, insightful answers.

Being a butt man, I've come to notice that this is a part of the body that is typically left out of pictures by the fairer sex. (Not always, but more often than not) However, it's not uncommon to see women with pictures showing cleavage.

A couple times, I have asked why these women don't have pics showing their posterior as well, and the responses uniformly seem to boil down to "Because I'm not a slut."

This, however, confuses me. Why is it not slutty to show off your cleavage, but it is slutty to show your butt in a tight pair of jeans?

Or perhaps my responses only came from nutjobs who have a twisted sense of propriety?
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
is it right way help guys
Posted: 7/20/2010 12:36:47 AM
She likes the attention, but isn't actually interested in you. There's no reason to even create a thread about this. Stop talking to her, and it'll clear up the issue very quickly.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Anger
Posted: 7/20/2010 12:34:20 AM
I wonder if it was really necessary to revive a thread that's been dead for 2 years.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
My crush's girlfriend told me she wants to break up with him
Posted: 7/20/2010 12:29:42 AM
Find another guy to date.

Because if you've known each other for 6 months, getting as close as you claim, and he's still dating your friend... then he's either a player, or not interested in you as a girlfriend.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
movies with another girl
Posted: 7/19/2010 8:00:25 PM

We both agreed to be exclusive...he's already discussing marriage. So this incident is coming out of nowhere!


Considering you've been exclusive all of 6 weeks, and you can only see each other 1-2 days a week due to an 11 hour distance gap, and he's already talking about marriage, I'm going to have to go out on a limb and assume that you're dating a flake.

I don't think there's any problem with him wanting to go to a movie with a female friend. I think there is a problem with him skipping out on the one time a week he gets to see the woman he supposedly wants to marry, to go to a late night movie with a girl whose presence you had to practically drag out of him.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Emotional Pornography
Posted: 7/12/2010 11:55:35 AM

This generation of children has been completely bombarded in a fashion that is unprecedented (sp?). We grew up with fairy tales from the middles ages designed to keep children in line and had a moral to the story. These days kids grow up with cartoons and TV shows designed to sell them a product or a lifestyle. They are immersed in this from babyhood and they are becoming more and more isolated as they grow older, and the media is where they get a lot of their ideas of what real life is like. 12 year old girls watching shows like the Hill's and believeign that life is all about drama, 10 year old boys getting their first exposure to sex on the internet with nothing to compare it to.


Heaven forbid a parent should have to step in, deem what is or is not appropriate television for their children, and/or sit them down and talk to them about the difference between fantasy and reality.

I don't want to be rude or anything, but I just looked at a thread talking about people that constantly blame their problems on anything and everything but their own actions... this thread kinda sounds like a prime example.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Emotional Pornography
Posted: 7/12/2010 11:41:59 AM

Yet still we have Sex and the City "wisdom" mentioned on profiles as a goal.


That isn't the fault of the show, that's the fault of the idiot who puts stock in fiction as their source of "wisdom."

Romance novels and movies are not responsible for idiots that don't know how to separate fantasy from reality, any more than porn is responsible for your husband not wanting to do you.

The issues that result in each situation are personal and varied, and should be treated as such.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Kissing and Facial Hair
Posted: 7/12/2010 10:06:29 AM

I guess the men have not been kissed by a face full of facial stubble. The women understand this problem. It has nothing to do with sucking face. Then again, maybe some people just never kiss with passion


I would be concerned if they were.

And yes, it has everything to do with sucking face. You can kiss passionately without mashing your faces together. If you prefer to do it that way, that's your prerogative, but it's not necessary.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Kissing and Facial Hair
Posted: 7/12/2010 9:29:01 AM
There must be some really bad aim if your faces are rubbing together that much if you are trying to kiss. Last time I checked kissing was a lip to lip thing.


Yeah, I was just thinking that.

I mean, I haven't made out with anybody in a while, but I don't think it's been so long that the physics have changed. I don't recall anything about her grinding her face against my facial hair.

Edit: If you're sucking face that hard that you're pressing the skin under your lip against his face, i would suggest lightening your touch a little. Not exactly a huge fan of having somebody eat my face.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
The acceptability of lying
Posted: 7/10/2010 4:57:07 PM


And if someone takes offense when you offer constuctive, tactful opinions on a question they asked, it's about them, not you.


Of course it is. But if I say it, knowing that it's going to hurt their feelings, then that makes me a jackass as well.

If somebody asks for my honest opinion about something important, I have no problem speaking my mind. I pride myself on telling people how it is. But there's a huge difference between being straight, and speaking unnecessarily.

Sometimes, certain things just don't need to be said. And sometimes, it's worth fudging the truth to preserve the peace. When those times are, and who they involve, are completely subjective.

I'm not saying that people need to be coddled. Because I firmly believe that sometimes, people need a swift kick in the ass. I just believe there is a time and place for any given approach.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
The acceptability of lying
Posted: 7/10/2010 2:57:39 PM

Apparently you don't realize the forums can be browsed without having a profile. It's when you want to post to them you have to sign up. That's how I was introduced here...an ex sent me a link to a thread he started about me...

If someone is relying on the information you gave them to accomplish a task, improve on a stituation, or otherwise arrive at a "truth" and are not just fishing for a compliment or attention, then a lie is in poor taste and likely to be discovered, coloring the liar as a jerk.

If someone is asking a "does my butt look fat" type question and it does and you don't want to tell the truth, there is always a political non-answer of sorts.

Lying is a waste of good energy, both to tell and to maintain.

Greyfield, if the truth is "I fell out of love with you because your smoking grosses me out" then that's what you should say to her.


Not that it actually matters, but she doesn't browse these forums either. So, there's no need to be on my nuts about that particular matter.

If we're talking about something as simple as smoking, that's an issue to be brought up and discussed before the relationship even begins. Seriously, your example is quite different than those given in my original post.

Speaking of my ex, you want to talk about "do I look good in these clothes" discussions? I told her that one of her skirts (that she sewed herself) looked funny on her because of the belt she made for it was so big. She didn't talk to me for 2 days.

A girl I used to live with (not date, just live with) and i went out for dinner once, shortly after she told me she was going on a diet. After dinner, she wanted to order a rich, fatty dessert, and I politely (yes, politely) asked her "Aren't you supposed to be on a diet?" At which point, she called me a fatass, and some other choice words, and stormed off.

So excuse me, but my life is open to a little gray now and again, not black and white nonsense. No matter how nice or tactful you are, SOMEBODY is going to get pissed for no good reason other than being incredibly sensitive. And if you don't mind, I'd rather not intentionally say something that has no purpose in the conversation, that I know is going to make somebody feel horrible.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 111 (view)
 
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 7/10/2010 2:42:51 PM
So, you are calling me a LIAR, now? If anything you are the prevaricator. I presented my opinion, and because it doesn't match with yours, it's time to attack. Classic inept debating skills. Unable to consider any other opinion but your own; unable to defend without assertive presumptive prejudice.

I'm out. Nothing more to see here. Same old.


If you want to discuss debating skills, you should probably not resort to ad hominem attacks, and putting words in my mouth.

I never called you a liar. Ever. There's a huge difference between blatantly lying, and not being able to admit something to yourself.

But I understand, from experience, that it's hard to see certain faults within oneself.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Cop Humour
Posted: 7/10/2010 2:15:37 PM

You have to have a serious sense of humor to deal with idiots, morons and ***hole's all day long. If you couldn't laugh at them you'd have to kill em just to keep the planet balanced. I arrested a thousand people like you who said, "Wait till I get these cuffs off." Funny thing was, who do you think put them on you? Further more , I never once had one of them have enough ball's to take a swing at me, once I took them off. They may have been stupid and an idiot, but they weren't suicidal.... That would rank right up there with all the ****'s who claimed, "You'll never take me alive." Funny thing is, when they're standing there looking down the barrel of a gun, held by somebody who would not only willingly end their worthless existence, but in most cases would take great delight in doing so, and then go home and sleep like a baby, those tough guys pee all over themselves and give up. Oh by the way, yes, the 822 is my badge number and I tend to have a great sense of humor.


Not to be rude, but I think you're confusing having balls with being stupid.

I know a number of people that have no problem with knocking heads when it comes to dealing with the average joe. But it's a bit different when:

1) Taking a swing means a federal offense and lots of jail time.
2) Lethal weapons enter the scene.

I'm not a fighter, personally, and I avoid violence whenever possible. But I think it's a bit arrogant to talk about how badass you are, when you know very well that your uniform protects you from the average would-be fist fight. And your handgun protects you from most everything else.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
The acceptability of lying
Posted: 7/10/2010 1:39:32 PM
Yep. Just hope she isn't reading the forums. ;)


Nah, she doesn't have a PoF page, so no worries there.

I gotta be honest, there was a time when I was very "no lying, ever" black and white kinda approach to everything. But you grow, you mature, and you realize that there is no such thing as always telling the absolute truth, and sometimes you just have to let things go, because very rarely are lies told maliciously.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 109 (view)
 
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 7/10/2010 1:32:45 PM

If you are alright with having a mate or spouse whose BEST friend is their EX, that is your prerogative. I am not going to accuse you of being insecure, or codependent, or any other adversarial presumptive assertion, because I do not KNOW you. I am also not going to be suckered in to defending myself against your ad hominem attacks against me, because you do not know me.

Further clarification. IMO, (and that is all it is, MY OPINION) it is inappropriate to discuss personal and intimate details about our relationship with anyone outside of the relationship without each other's permission, and ESPECIALLY if these intimacies and confidences are being shared with an EX. I also think it is HIGHLY inappropriate to place the EX in the “best friend” role, when involved in a serious long term commitment; to refer to them as such; and to value that friendship over the concerns and feelings of your MATE. This is MY preference, because the ONLY one I desire to be my best friend and confidant is my spouse. I do not want to share this role with an ex boyfriend, husband, lover, etc. or even a gal pal. YMMV.


There's no need to defend yourself, if you're just willing to admit that you are insecure. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and denying that part of yourself is only inviting it to come back around and bite you in the ass.

Don't get me wrong, I know how it feels. I know what it's like to feel like my S.O. having an opposite gender friend (especially if said friend is an ex) is an affront to the trust in our relationship. I also know how it feels to utterly trust someone and not even have a thought enter my mind when she says "A guy friend from work asked me if I wanted to see a movie, so I'll be late getting home."

I don't know about you, but I don't like dating somebody that makes me feel like I have to be afraid that they're going to trip onto the bed, then her guy friend trip and fall into her... and out of her... and back into her again. If I can't trust that she's telling the truth when she says that there's zero chance of anything happening between her and (fill in the blank here), then I don't want to date her, period.

If you're incapable of separating your gut instinct from your paranoia, that's fine and nothing to be ashamed of. But you ARE insecure, whether you want to admit to it or not.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Mail, but no mail?
Posted: 7/10/2010 12:36:35 PM
-.- please don't make me sound like some kind of idiot. I have zilch in my inbox.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 105 (view)
 
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 7/10/2010 11:54:03 AM

IMO, hanging around with opposite sex friends or even same sex friends is NOT the same thing as making an EX your BEST friend; sharing all your personal confidences with an EX; sharing all the PERSONAL details of your CURRENT relationship your EX; discussing your CURRENT mate with your EX behind your current mate’s back; ignoring how hurtful your behavior is to your current mate. THAT’S what I would have an issue with. For me, it would be the act and associated behavior of making an EX lover your personal confident, best friend and mate while in a relationship, because, IMO, THAT is the role that belongs TO your current spouse or SO, not at an ex lover.


If you wouldn't feel the same way in the case of any other friend (opposite sex or not), it seems like your issue is more along the lines of insecurity and believing that they might cheat on you.

As they say, and Ex is an Ex for a reason. But it doesn't always have to be a reason that destroys the entire friendship.

If your S.O. is obviously spending more time with their friends than with you, that is a problem. If your S.O. refuses to introduce you to their friends/exes/acquaintances, that is a problem. If you S.O. is going to somebody else when you two are having problems, instead of going to you, that is a problem.

If your S.O. is friends with an ex, and you feel inexplicably threatened, without any solid reason other than fear, that is YOUR problem.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Mail, but no mail?
Posted: 7/10/2010 10:35:41 AM
That sounded like a good idea, until i just found out that for some reason it says that I blocked myself... so that isn't going to work lol.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Talking ....way too much!
Posted: 7/10/2010 10:24:03 AM

I'm a talker. I can talk about anything and everything and nothing at all... I find silences on the phone uncomfortable. I try to play nice and wait my turn, but without visual clues, it's rough... Despite all that I'm a great listener and hear more than I let on - I may choose not to pick up on it... I don't usually need to digest what is said, I compute instantly (99th percentile)... Some people misunderstand this and assume I'm not listening. I hear ya... still don't need to mull it over, chew it over or ask "what you mean by that"... I will ask questions, but I won't pry it out of you or break out a rubber hose... if you don't volunteer it, I'm not going to force you...

Conversation with me is like a ping pong game... you drop your serve and it's my turn again. I can talk about me or nothing for hours - I won't always ask "tell me what you're thinking", how you are feeling, or your innermost thoughts - that would be intrusive, but I will ask how your day went and take it from there... if you don't want to hold up your end - fine, I'll carry the conversation. You wanna spill your deepest darkess secrets? Knock yourself out, I'll listen and I can keep a secret... but truly the only times I'm really silent are a. I'm happy and relaxed or b. having sex.


lol I find this funny, because I'm kinda the opposite. I take my time to reply, I take long pauses to think, and I like to get my words just right before I say anything that I think is particularly important. I kinda take after my dad in that way... it was always frustrating for him when he was married to my step-mom and she would get pissed at him for taking his time to think of a proper response to an important question.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
third date and I find out he had his medical license revoked
Posted: 7/10/2010 10:13:59 AM
Doesn't mean she wants to date slingblade.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 28 (view)
 
The acceptability of lying
Posted: 7/10/2010 9:58:48 AM

But my point is, sometimes the question is unfair. Simply saying lying in any and all circumstances in life is wrong is ridiculous, actually. Lying is wrong when the question and circumstances are fair. Most of the time, that is the case. And remember -- exaggerations are lies. You can also pepper lies within an explanation (to make someone feel better, or to make yourself look better), even when the final answer is not a lie -- but in the end, you didn't leave the situation without telling a lie.


And honestly, sometimes it's not even about being unfair to the liar.

I was dating this girl before... I knew her for about a year and a half, and we were dating for about 3 months... and I kept having a lot of issues with staying together with her. We didn't have all that much in common, I wasn't attracted to her, her stories bored the crap out of me... eventually I decided that it would be better for the both of us if I broke up with her. It wasn't fair to either of us for me to stay with her when I didn't even want to spend time with her.

So, when I broke up with her, I told her that I was doing it because I wasn't in love with her. Which I wasn't. If you boil it down, you could umbrella everything under that one statement. Was this deceitful? Of course it was. But i'm not a complete jackass. I'm not going to tell this nice, caring girl that I'm dumping her because she doesn't have the right type of body, and she bores me. There was absolutely no reason to go into that sort of detail, all it would do is unnecessarily hurt her feelings, when she was already going to feel like crap over being dumped in the first place.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
The acceptability of lying
Posted: 7/10/2010 9:48:30 AM

There is no justification for lying at any time. You show me someone who thinks there's ever an excuse for lying, and I'll show you the maxim that says "If they'll lie about that, they'll potentially lie about anything." Bottom line: relationships, which the majority of people using this site are presumably seeking, have a strict foundation of trust. If someone lies, they show they can't be trusted with even the most simple concept: truth.

So show me someone who lies, and I'll show you someone who isn't fit to be in a relationship.


Show me somebody who refuses to lie, and I'll show you somebody who lives a very lonely life.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 102 (view)
 
is it really okay for her to hang out with her ex?
Posted: 7/10/2010 8:43:58 AM

If your new SO asks you not to, that's a reason. Your chumming around with an ex may be something that your current SO is genuinely kewl with. It may be something that he (barely) tolerates.


See, here's the part of these boards that makes me sick to my stomach...

Said girl is palling around with an exbf, and the relationship warriors get all up in arms about what a horrible girlfriend she is, and just assuming she must be cheating (or assuming she will cheat, if she hasn't yet). But if the same girl was hanging around with a girlfriend, and sleeping over and her place, there'd be zero problem. Somehow, the act of putting a penis and a vagina in the same room together has made sex and cheating inevitable.

Look, I'll be the first person to say that gut instincts are good and should be listened to. But there is such a thing as acute paranoia, and if you know yourself to be insecure, I think it's a smart move to verify your fears before you allow yourself to do, or say, something incredibly stupid.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Mail, but no mail?
Posted: 7/10/2010 8:12:28 AM
While I'm browsing around on the forums, my page says that I have a message waiting for me. However, I have no mail in my inbox. Is something broken with the mail system?
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Adult-escents
Posted: 7/9/2010 5:05:03 PM

"Twilight" books / movies - unless you have a pre-teen daughter and you're into this for mother/daughter bonding purposes...it's time to find more adult reading material. And over 30 women talking about how hot the 17 yearl old dude from the movie is just so wrong. I'm cool with taking my 11 year old to a Twilight movie....a 30 y/o woman...not so much.


I don't give a rat's ass about your twi-hate, because honestly, I love the books, and I've enjoyed the movies as well.

But I just want to say, my mom is about 50 years old, loves Nascar, and I have to listen to her prattle on about how cute Kyle Busch is... and for anybody who isn't familiar with him, he is 25 years old, and I am extremely disturbed every time I have to hear it.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
why does dating have to be 10 times as complicated as it really is?
Posted: 7/9/2010 4:23:58 PM

Let me translate this for you.

"Hey, I have absolutely nothing better to do, I'm bored and I've decided I want you to entertain me. I don't respect you enough to arrange a proper date ahead of schedule so you can prep as necessary. I want you to fit in with my life. I want to have the luxury if determining my schedule as I see fit and fitting you in whenever I find myself at a loose end."

If you're thinking this is spontaneity no, it isn't. Spontaneity, considerate spontaneity, is when you arrange a time and date with someone but you do things off the cuff. I.e. after your meal you say "hey wanna go [insert fun activity here]?" Sitting around twiddling your thumbs and then thinking "hmmm, I'm gonna hit up X" is just thoughtless bullsh1t.


Or, it could translate to "I just got off of work, was thinking about you, and thought it might be fun to get together and do something tonight." You know, because not everybody has an agenda, and it's obvious you have a huge stick up your ass.

And though it may not be YOUR preferred form of spontaneity, you don't speak for everyone. I know a number of people who prefer plans made at the drop of a hat, rather than plans made days, or even hours, in advance.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
OK.. so i just CHOKE
Posted: 5/11/2010 10:39:56 AM
This thread just screams "I'm scared of commitment."
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 639 (view)
 
Why won't Women Date Nice Romantic Overweight Gentlemen
Posted: 3/28/2010 2:16:36 PM

in addition to being manipulative materialistic sharks, women are also shallow as the day is long and only care about looks. so if you're overweight, you better find a way to get rid of it because you'll strike out utnil you do


I think my girlfriend would take personal offense to that.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
He dumped me over the net. Not sure what happend.
Posted: 3/28/2010 1:52:51 PM

My rule is no sex for the first 6 months. You need to get to know each other first.


lol I'm not trying to be rude, and I know that I can't speak for all men on this topic... but I'm pretty sure that most guys don't date girls that have "rules" about how soon/often they can get laid.

If you can't trust yourself enough to be a proper judge of character, then there are a lot of problems that go above and beyond when you should be having sex with another person.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Chance to get back together?
Posted: 3/13/2010 7:02:27 AM
He already said he doesn't want a relationship with you. His "I don't know what will happen an hour from now" was a line he was throwing you, knowing that you'd hang on to him if you thought there was the slimmest chance of anything happening. He likes your company, but he's not going to get involved with you again.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
My first true love...gone
Posted: 1/23/2010 5:03:17 PM

Dude, you're confusing possessiveness, jealousy, and control-issues with love.
If you loved her, you'd be concerned about her happiness and welfare. You aren't.
It's all about you, you, you.
Always was, may always be. Get over your self...


Sorry, but I have to disagree. I agree that if you love somebody, you should be concerned about making them happy, whatever that takes. But I think it's a bit much to expect a guy who is emotionally cheated on to calmly and politely accept it and try to help the cheater hook back up with her ex. The OP has every right to be angry and feel betrayed.

However, the OP can feel those feelings and still want the best for her. I don't think he's hoping for her to DIAF or anything like that, he's just been hurt, and isn't afraid to show it. You know, with the whole being human and all.

To the OP: I'm sure people will try to mention stuff about "snooping" on her phone and stuff, but there's only so much a person can tolerate before they reach their limit and NEED to know what's going on. I honestly don't think I would have done anything different in that situation... though I'm a bit concerned about how much you guys were fighting, especially since you never actually said what the fights were about. I generally do what I can to avoid being close to people I fight with regularly.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Break Up email: High road v. say what I feel?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:40:47 PM
Um, it's not about having the "answers" for someone, it's making sure people know that there are consequences for emotional abuse. It's about making sure people have their day of reckoning for what they've done. The "high road" is what the people who do the abusing like to harp about because then the cowards don't have to face the damage they've done. There is no "backfire" from saying what you feel in these situations because you have no place to go but up. I do it constantly and it does a world of good. If you think a woman is better at making men feel small instead of the other way around then you need to grow a spine and learn how to fight properly.


I'm all for speaking one's mind. People unwilling to do so are called doormats. But speaking your mind isn't the same as lashing out and being equally abusive. Obviously, you've lost your sense of conscience, but some of us would actually feel bad for biting back at somebody, no matter what they've done to us.

It's not about getting revenge, it's about getting free of your restraints. Revenge has a way of poisoning you when you give in to it. It seeps you in hatred, and makes it that much easier to be abusive to people who don't give you what you want.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Break Up email: High road v. say what I feel?
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:35:30 PM

I would like to give her a piece of my mind instead of just taking it. It has something to do with assertieness, when someone disappoints you or does you wrong - you have every right to let them know.


I don't think you seem to realize that you don't have to be an ass to make yourself heard.

I understand that you're probably angry, and the fact that you haven't even bothered to talk to her about it is very telling. But if you're not going to try to fix the relationship, then at the very least, you should consider just telling her that you want to end it, and leaving it at that. Having the balls to end a relationship yourself, while having the pride to bite your tongue is what is really impressive at the end of the day.

Something as simple as, "I just don't feel like we're compatible, and it would just be best if we ended it now, rather than later," can go a long way. And if she asks you for a specific reason, you can tell her calmly and politely why you feel taken advantage of.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Why does everyone say the past doesnt matter (esspecially women)
Posted: 1/13/2010 1:57:43 PM

I think the real key is being able to accept and take responsibilty for the mistakes you've made, I believe we do learn more from our own mistakes than simply being an observer to someone else's.


To be quite honest... as bad as we're supposed to feel about those who have to deal with huge mistakes they've made.... I feel worse for those who "play it safe" and don't make mistakes to begin with. Sure, you're not going to get in as much trouble... but part of truly living life is taking some risks, and you're missing out on that.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 113 (view)
 
Why does everyone say the past doesnt matter (esspecially women)
Posted: 1/13/2010 1:51:03 PM
The thing is, the past SHOULDN'T matter. But some people put retarded taboo on anything they don't like hearing.

For example, about 5 1/2 years ago, I got arrested in Utah for shoplifting. Twice. It was stupid, and it took two times of getting caught to learn my lesson, but I did learn it, and I've never had any desire to repeat that mistake. Did you know that some people actually freak out over stuff like that still? I've, literally, had a girl refuse to talk to me anymore because of a minor shoplifting charge I had over 5 years ago.

This is why the past SHOULDN'T matter. But some people, like the OP, are completely retarded, and don't seem to grasp the idea that people actually change through their experiences in life.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
friends with mistress
Posted: 1/13/2010 1:30:05 PM

Really? Because ZERO of my friends are messing around with other people's spouses or stealing, cheating, killing anybody, that I know of.


First off, let's try not to make jabs via fallacious arguments. You know damn well that sleeping with a married person is not akin to theft or murder. This is the beginning of a straw man argument, and should be avoided if we're to have a logical discussion.

Secondly, perhaps you feel a moral obligation to weed out those who don't hold the same world view that you do, from your catalog of friends. However, some people feel that they shouldn't dismiss another person's friendship due to differing values. What works for one person may not work for another, so we're best off just accepting of others' way of doing things.



Perfect is one thing. Nobody is perfect. Doing something that is not right knowingly telling people around, not stoping the behavior and wanting to be accepted ...is another!
Everybody is OK with the mistress until she gets near your BF, husband, right??
In the meantime is other people's bussiness?

Wait for your turn, then come back and tell us how that witch stole your husband.


And lastly, what complete strangers do with their marriage is of none of your concern. I don't think anybody here is trying to defend cheating, or defending anyone who is helping somebody cheat. However, there's a blatant difference between keeping somebody's secret and just minding your own damn business, because it's none of yours.
 greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Who are Asians?.
Posted: 1/12/2010 5:29:43 PM
You can call me racist or what have you, but the way I see it, if you have slanted eyes, you're asian.
 
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