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 Author Thread: 55 year old dad with small children
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 564 (view)
 
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/24/2012 12:19:00 PM

I think a lot of people have no problem dating someone with young kids as long as they
know it's not going further than that. But once you're in a relationship, she is going to
meet your kids


A fair point, browneyes. If the relationship continues and gets serious, she will have to address the issue of my kids. But I have been counseled long and loudly by the ladies on this site not to dare look too far ahead. So I don't.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Men who just want sex will get sex easier by trying for a relationship!
Posted: 5/24/2012 12:10:50 PM
This is hilarious! While most guys dream of the day when a woman would "play" him just to get sex, this guy here is complaining!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 562 (view)
 
55 year old dad with small children
Posted: 5/24/2012 7:54:41 AM
For the record: I'm 53, have two sons, 10 and 9. No, those kids are not from some second trophy wife, but from my first (and now ex-) wife. She now has a steady SO, who's much older, but whenever they need a vacation or time together, I cover for her. I have an active dating life. She covers for me.

I get plenty of interest from women my age--especially once they realize:

--that I'm NOT looking for anyone else to mother the boys;
--that I'm available to her probably more than she needs;
--I never cancel a date because of kid shit;
--they never have to meet the boys until they're ready to--or never, if they choose not to;
--I never combine parenting time with dating time (e.g. "hey, you mind if I bring the kids along?");
--I never oblige her to sleep with me under the same roof as the boys, i.e. on the same night;
--I don't natter on and on about my kids--I focus on what SHE wants to talk about;
--I show an interest in her kids, if she has them;
--in short, I keep my life with her separate and distinct from my life with them.

Do I have it covered? Does this eliminate that knee-jerk fear that you will have to "raise children all over again." Who's asking you to?

But if not, you're right: Preference are preferences, and there are millions of women out there for me who take it things as they are. So I'm not going to complain about the few who don't.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 97 (view)
 
Dating People With Dependent Children
Posted: 5/23/2012 6:17:08 AM

If you love your children deeply, why not mention the fact you are a proud parent in your profile? And out of curiosity, when in the dating process do you bring it up that you have two grade school aged children?


It's funny: I used to have a couple of really cute pix of me and my sons in my profile. Then, this same Forums crowd REAMED me for it. One guy even said, "Stop pimping your children to get laid!" Can you imagine? There's just no winning! Lol. Too funny!

But I thought, maybe the general point is true: Don't comingle young children with your personal life, especially in the early going. So I don't. New women don't meet my kids for awhile. I keep the two lives separate.

But I never hide it, either. To answer your question as to when I reveal it: Usually in one of the first emails I send them--or at least in the phone call before our first meeting. There's no subterfuge going on here. But you probably have a point about including it in the profile copy. The current one hasn't been edited in a while, and it's a holdover from back when I had pix of my sons displayed.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Men who ask women for oral sex on a first date; is this a frequent request?
Posted: 5/22/2012 2:06:06 PM
How about if it was freely offered on the first date and I partook? Is that ok?
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Would you go back to an Ex you really cared about?
Posted: 5/22/2012 10:15:19 AM
In general, the answer is no to exes. I do, however, have a weakness for women from my past who were friends, acquaintances, classmates, etc. There's something about having people, a town, and an upbring in common that's so inviting to me. I'm currently in the early stages with just such a person. A welcome break from explaining my f***ing life to yet another brand-new date!
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Sincerely with Our Dogs and Cats in our Middle Ages????
Posted: 5/22/2012 9:50:48 AM
Hmm, I have a cat and it has never even occurred to me to run that by anybody first. Seems to me she and I will first see how we like each other, and we'll deal with the cat thing later. If people make pets a deal-breaker on either end of the issue, they're definitely not for me.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 93 (view)
 
Dating People With Dependent Children
Posted: 5/22/2012 9:21:55 AM
I fall into this category: I'm over 45 and I have two children, 10 and 9. But they don't live with me, and I have periodic childcare duties, as to be expected.

But I ask you: Let's say a new guy in your life has youngsters, but he doesn't ever ask you to help him "babysit", doesn't expect you to hang with his kids on dates, doesn't force you to have a relationship with his kids (unless you'd like to), makes plenty of time for "you and him" time, and always keeps his dates with you (i.e. never cancels last minute due to "kid" issues). And yet he loves his children deeply, a quality to be admired.

All of the above describes me. So I ask, What the hell's the problem? If you really like him, are you telling me you'd still pull the plug simply because he violates your "no kid" ethic?
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
How do your feel about a woman who initiates contact?
Posted: 5/22/2012 8:13:02 AM

I've resigned to the notion that the woman who possesses the traits I'm looking for in something long term is not the type of woman who will initiate contact.


May I ask why you feel that way? Is it because you think any woman who makes the first move is somehow sleazy? Didn't that type of thinking die out two generations ago. This is the modern age, bruh!
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
How do your feel about a woman who initiates contact?
Posted: 5/22/2012 7:31:02 AM
I've been back in the dating scene for four years now, after a divorce, and have jumped enthusiastically into the online option (never did it before that). For a brief time I whined a bit about having to do all the work, etc., but I've made peace with the fact that, because of the staggering numbers difference--anywhere from 10-1 to 50-1 male-female ratio, depending on whose numbers you believe--it's the men who have to do much of the heavy lifting early on.

But I have been pleasantly surprised at the occasional female-first-contact, and initially, I gave those special treatment--because, after all, it's what I had been wishing for, a woman who takes the ball now and then. But you know what? Very quickly it didn't matter anymore. The decision process is now the same--her profile, where she lives, how she looks, and perhaps how she writes are the prevailing criteria. It no longer holds any special value that she reached out first. I either like her or I don't.

But ladies--don't get me wrong here. It's still a very cool thing to reach out first, so if you see someone and you want to get his attention--go for it! So you get shot down now and then--so what? If you're not getting a lot of messages on your own, why not take the lead?

And then...just this week, after neither doing nor receiving anything for at least six months on this site, I got four unsolicited messages from POF women. Three of them offered their phone numbers first! So you just never know.

So, to answer your question, I think most guys like and appreciate a pro-active female approach, but I must add that eventual "success" is still going to come down to the age-old factors of chemistry and compatibility.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 115 (view)
 
How common is it for guys to like both really big boobs and really small boobs?
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:35:02 AM
^^^^^Ha! No, Paddy, I never saw such a site, but I might be interested, as long as at the end of the lecture she removed her lab coat! But nor have I ever seen any demographic correlating level of education with porn watching. It cuts across every--and I mean EVERY--cultural/educational/socioeconomic line. From PhD's to 4th grade dropouts, everybody's watched. And will continue to watch.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Men don't like letting women watch them masturbate?
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:22:47 AM
Last year I was involved with someone for awhile who enjoyed watching me auto-stroke. It was a first for me, but once I realized this bit of voyeurism turned her on, I indulged her. My one stipulation was that I wouldn't close my own deal. When I got close, I'd let her take over! Then she could pick how to finish things off.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 113 (view)
 
How common is it for guys to like both really big boobs and really small boobs?
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:15:37 AM
Boob size is irrelevant to me (unless I'm watching porn). I'm into the organ between the ears being really big and responsive. That turns me on.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
is pof only for sex
Posted: 2/22/2012 4:00:26 AM

people are less likely to do this on the real pay sights sooo spend some of your hard earned money....


How do you draw that conclusion? Does having $20-$30 extra to spend a month create a whole new demographic of "gentlemen" and "gentlewomen"? I don't think so! Match.com is a pay site, and we all know what a meat market that is. During the short, depressing time I was on match, I received way more "check out my sna**ch" Webcam come-ons than real emails. Also, fake profiles were rampant on match. You clicked into what you thought was a blonde from Long Island, and suddenly she's someone from Nigeria trying to get you to send her money!

Matter of fact, the reason that I made a personal policy years ago of using free sites only, was that I was convinced the peeps were gonna be the same wherever I went, so why pay up? Sure, POF has its share of goofballs and freaks, but in my short time here, I've also been in touch with a slew of real folks, and been on some dates, to boot. If I found that someone was looking for sex only, I wouldn't necessarily give them the boot. Let's just say the matter would require further review.

But I don't ever feel I have to say I'm looking for more. You can figure that out from meeting me. Anyone who assumes that's all I'm about before even knowing me is way too cynical for me, anyway.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 428 (view)
 
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 2/21/2012 12:18:22 PM
This is a fascinating topic, I think. And I'm smack in the middle of the maelstrom.

larissan04 said:


when a woman says she only wants to be friends it means that she is not attracted to you and does not see you as a potential sex partner or relationship partner. if you find yourself being into a woman and she only wants to be friends, then just bolt. don't talk to her anymore, don't try to hang out and be her buddy until you are 100% completely over it and want nothing more from her sexually or romantically. don't put yourself in that situation. you will jsut get hurt and feel rejected all the time.

she doesn't want you, dude. sorry to say it, but she is not attracted to you. period.


This makes perfect sense, hard as it is for many guys to accept. Also, when mopar_runner said that such friendships can really only work when there is no sexual tension on EITHER side makes sense, too. Otherwise, the friendship is one-sided, there is an unbalance of power.

In spite of knowing all that, I literally COLLECT female friends, and let me tell you, it's occasionally torturous. I seem to hang around the ones I'm most attracted to...until I see the light and drop off, when I see there's no hope. But I've had a few "friends" who wrangled several favors out of me before I realized that I was just being used and stopped agreeing to see them.

I've only been back in the dating scene 4 years now (since being divorced), so I've had to re-learn some rules of the road. I will still always speak in favor of female friendships: I offer them many things they can't get from their GFs (e.g. I'm in the psych field, so they love my attending/listening skills), and they offer me that great alternative perspective I can't get from my pals.

I simply can't stay away from women--I love their company, I love the way their brains are wired differently, and I simply love looking at them! So, given that reality, I allow myself some longterm friendships, provided:

--I'm over them romantically;
--They have something to offer ME in the friendship (i.e. I'm convinced they're not simply using me for attention or favors);
--They have someone else in their life--this is not a requirement, but it helps--takes the edge off things for me;
--We have some common interests (e.g. I have many female skiing friends);
--If they have a SO, he'd better not have insecurities about the friendship--I don't want to deal with some guy's pissy jealousy;
--Finally, they are hip to how a guy is wired, is cool with it, and doesn't judge it. For example, if I start moaning how I've spent considerable time on a chick and she hasn't given it up yet, the last thing I wanna hear is some bitter rant about that's all guys want, etc. I want some understanding on the matter.

Regarding the latter, I'll know I've turned the friendship corner with a woman when she starts complaining about how HER guy's not giving it up!

Finally, what I've concluded is that you reap what you sew. I'm someone who gets put in the friend zone A LOT. Why? Because I consistently demonstrate that I'm a great friend, and they wanna keep me around in some capacity! The fact that I'm sometimes very hesitant to stake my sexual claim on women I'm attracted to seems to seal my fate all the more. I'm convinced that I've been friend-zoned as much due to them concluding I'm not interested, as them concluding that THEY are not interested. You reap what you sew.

My name is Geoff, and I approve this message.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Is all fair in love? and the internet?
Posted: 2/21/2012 4:23:21 AM
I get really depressed when I read in the forums all of the defensive tactics the POF women feel the need to pull, simply because this whole process exposes them to one bullsh**ter after another. For instance: Blocking a guy from further contact, simply because he has written her a hello note, but she's not interested. It turns women who probably used to be relatively well-balanced, kind individuals into bitter old hags, with one hand on their gun at all times. We probably have all the idiot guys out there to thank for it, the ones who ruin it for the rest of us who simply tell the truth and want to meet a nice normal girl.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 49 (view)
 
how many shoes girls?
Posted: 2/20/2012 1:56:49 PM
I got a lot of footwear. Lots. Exactly how many I'll never know, nor do I see any need to take an exact count. I play a number of different sports, I hike, I bike, I sometimes need to dress up really nice, sometimes casually, and sometimes somewhere in between. I love to ski. Ask any serious skier what the most important piece of equipment is, and the answer is--or should be--unanimous: The boots! The point is, our feet are our one connection to terra firma. Therefore footwear defines how well, or poorly, we make that connection.

So, ladies--and gents: Be fruitful and multiply in thy footwear! And don't let anyone make you apologize for your choices therein.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Prove it!
Posted: 2/18/2012 1:09:53 PM
Sure, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
About keeping the faith
Posted: 2/18/2012 12:02:39 PM
If your question is...do I agree? Then yes, nearly every (but not every) woman I've dated in the four years since divorce has been a single mom. It's just the reality of my dating pool. I've gone back and forth on the issue in my mind. Sometimes I thought, well, if she's childless, then she won't have any distractions in our relationship (somewhat selfish, I admit). But then I realized that there is a bit of sadness about a 40-something woman without children. Maybe not overt, but I started to feel guilty whenever I talked about my children, as if it was a conversation she couldn't participate in.

Then I would think, OK, I only want to date a mom, since she definitely understands about parenthood. But some of those women are fiercely defensive about their free time, and even a bit guilty about allowing someone else into their lives. Some even go out of their way to say, "don't even think about being around my kids."

So I guess I don't really have a preference, as long as she makes me happy. But perhaps I lean a bit towards the moms!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Guys: When the ex-wife remarries...
Posted: 2/18/2012 11:15:42 AM
...will it bother you that suddenly another man will be spending more time with your kids than you do? Oh sure, we can posture that no man can ever take the father's place in our children's lives, especially when the relationship with our kids is rock-solid and loving (as mine is). But will any of you admit to a bit of jealousy in this regard? I haven't hit this point yet--I'm four years divorced and I have unlimited access to my children. But my ex now has a SO that I believe she will marry. They will probably start taking little trips together. I'm sure I'll get over it when the time comes, but I admit to being a bit uneasy about that day when it comes.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Children doesnt like him/her
Posted: 2/18/2012 11:07:57 AM
Provided my SO has treated me and my kids with respect, my kids have no say over whom I date. That said, I tend to strictly limit the time my kids spend with any SOs, until that SO is well established in my life.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
I'm so tired of being the guinea pig girlfriend for guys. Why is this happening?
Posted: 2/18/2012 10:04:32 AM
I suppose by this logic I have been the test monkey for countless women. But I don't choose to think of myself that way. Except my ex-wife, of course--I was definitely "the one" for her. NOT!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Oral with or without a condom
Posted: 2/18/2012 8:45:19 AM

Oral without a condom , is no different from penetration without a condom.


Scientifically speaking, you're very wrong here, egowitch. The possibility of an STD through the ingestion of semen is infinitesimal, almost statistically irrelevant. The digestive system and its acids sees to that. Now, if you have a lesion in your mouth, the odds go up slightly, but even there, the saliva offers a certain protective barrier.

Semen through the vaginal cavity is another matter entirely. The mucous membranes there offer a direct pathway to the bloodstream, and hence the possibility of an STD through tainted semen is very real.

So, they are not the same situations at all. This is not to say that all women MUST swallow. That's their decision. If they choose not to, that's the end of it.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
First dates - day or evening?
Posted: 2/17/2012 7:22:35 PM
Nothing wrong with your request--but is there a particular reason you prefer a day meeting? Or do you just like to reserve the option? Just askin.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
The strangest place you've ever been picked up in???
Posted: 2/17/2012 5:58:32 AM
One day on lunch break, in NYC's Madison Square Park (not the arena), I was sleeping off a hangover on a bench. I woke up to find a note on my chest. "Hey, Sleepy Boy, next time you want company for your nap?" She signed her name and her phone number. I called her. We made dirty movies together for weeks!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Is there no concept of friends AFTER divorce??
Posted: 2/17/2012 5:03:23 AM

I guess I've looked at men who get along with their ex wives as someone who has perhaps made peace with the past.

I look at it as a character defect in people who can't let go of their past and live in the present. If you want to work on a relationship with your ex, do it before the person is an ex so that you don't split up.


Abelian, this is silly. Since when is making peace with the past the same as not being able to let go of it? The OP said one thing and you twisted it. She's praising people who demonstrate the sort of spiritual maturity to accept what has been and live with it peacefully. And you call that a character defect? I don't get it.

I had a GF for a year who ****ed incessantly about the time I was required to spend with my ex-wife due to various obligations involving our two boys, ages 10 and 9. School plays, parent-teacher conferences, sporting events, birthdays, Christmas, you name it. And neither of us wants to miss any of these key parenting moments. There's none of this, "Ok you go to this event, and I'll go to that one" type of thing. We both want to be at all of them, so we both show up. We never do anything socially together; it's just about parenting.

Let me add that, since I don't live with the boys, I had plenty of time for my GF. We got together all the time. So she was WAY out of line to complain. She just couldn't seem to handle it. In her belief system, you HAD to hate your ex, or you were weird. "Why don't you just remarry the b**tch?" she would say.

Because of this fundamental difference in our outlook, I finally had to break up with her (among other reasons). I simply refused to feel guilty for doing the right thing--and doing it cheerfully. I pray my next SO is more grownup about these things.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 87 (view)
 
But I'm a Doctor!
Posted: 2/15/2012 12:58:10 AM
Damnit, Jim, I'm a man of medicine, not a medicine man!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Unresponsive
Posted: 2/15/2012 12:18:17 AM
Once people start sleeping together, I believe they owe it to one another to resolve those questions. Where are we going? is not a question anyone can really answer. No one can know that. You simply take things one day at a time and see. But, What are we now? is certainly fair.

Has he, for instance, taken himself out of play on POF (I assume you all met here) or all other dating sites? That's usually a good benchmark of where you are. for him. Anyone who has not hidden his profile has not officially declared you "the one." You could start by telling him you've taken yourself out of play, and ask him if he's willing to do the same.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
How do I say I'm not that into you?
Posted: 2/14/2012 6:26:07 AM

Prime example why I never chat on the phone or give my number before we meet in person......



This is why you should never swap numbers before you've met organically.


ITWYLD and Zeus: Not sure I'm following you here. You're saying you don't trust the phone for deciding whether there's a connection? I agree I don't trust it completely, either, but I use it to help me decide if I'm moving from email to in-face. At least hearing the other voice gives me some more to go on.

You guys make the decision to meet based on the emails back and forth? I've never done that. Just askin'.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Do men or women remember their best lovers more?
Posted: 2/12/2012 2:07:15 PM

The one I remember most is the one I was most mentally connected to. Yes, I know it's a girl answer, but it's true


Hey, oldhag, speaking for myself, I don't really care if she remembers me for my brain or any other body part, if I make any woman's all-time list years after the fact, I consider that an honor! Maybe THIS is a girly comment, but for me, there's sex, and there's making love. I have two lists: One that has all the great sex-makers, and one that has the great lovemakers--the ones I felt truly connected with in bed. The second list is much smaller, but they're the ones I still remember and wish I could see again.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Being vocal or verbal during sex
Posted: 2/12/2012 1:57:55 PM

If I'm about to get laid I'm not going to risk calling a girl a dirty slut in bed only to stop and have to explain the difference between being a slut, and being a slut for me is.


Good point, newxperiment. Personally, I love dirty talk (but not overdone porn talk)--I like hearing it, and I like dishing it. But, if you wanna get into "name calling", you'd better be sure your woman likes and trusts you, and understands the language for what it is. Of course, in the heat of it, things sometimes just come out. One time I said, "C'mere, you naughty little ****!" Luckily, she took it in the proper spirit, but that could have easily gone wrong. Any talk of body parts is WAY hot with me! Women who demand "that BIG f**cking c**ck" will always score big points--even if they don't really mean it!
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How's a lady to react ?
Posted: 2/12/2012 1:03:24 PM
Or, if you like him, you could say, "Need sum help witchur boyz?"
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
wtf
Posted: 2/12/2012 8:21:02 AM
PITY POST! Give it the boot.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Why do some women try to disguise they're fat?
Posted: 2/12/2012 8:12:22 AM
The same reason I try to disguise that I'm a sociopathic, bi-polar-disordered perpetual adolescent alcoholic with mommy AND daddy issues: Some people just don't understand!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Do guys prefer a bed or couch for hooking up?
Posted: 2/12/2012 7:34:41 AM
For an alternative site, I've always been a shower guy. Water, soap, creative positioning, nowhere-to-hide nudity...that's what I'm talkin bout! Plus, if any extra cleansing needs to be done in your various hidey-holes, you can help each other out. Somehow, the fever pitch is higher when hot water is running! Finally, everybody's all scrubbed up for when you need to get it on later. The couch could be next!
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Exclusive FWB vs Relationship - Why ?
Posted: 2/11/2012 12:15:24 PM

FB ... just fuk

FWB ... are actually friends!


Exactly! I'm lucky enough to have a FWB right now, and she has become an amazing companion, even during the times when we're not together (which is most of the time), who understands me, listens to me, and "loves" me like a best friend should. And I do all of the same for her in return.

But to answer the question as to why not move it to LTR: Two reasons:

1.) She lives 1,200 miles away. I simply cannot commit to someone and see them that infrequently;

2.) (This one's a little more complicated). I don't "love" her in that LTR way. She's not exactly what I'm after in that unconditional way. She understands this--she may not love it, but she's completely on board with it.

So, in the meantime, with great, passionate sex hard to come by, we hold onto each other and continue to pleasure each other in that way. If and when one of us finds someone we really like, well, I'm not yet sure what will happen, but things will definitely change.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Fleshlight...?
Posted: 2/11/2012 12:01:41 PM
After reading this, I just may have to get one. I find my need for self-pleasure has absolutely NO relation to how much I'm getting the real thing. Matter of fact, I may be more likely to take matters in my own hands, even when someone else is also doing so.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 561 (view)
 
oral sex and swallowing cum and why they wont do it
Posted: 2/11/2012 11:35:12 AM

I can't speak for other women...but there's no sense in sucking a****if you aren't going to swallow...really!!!! Don't be a Bill Clinton and smoke a blunt without inhaling the goods, WTF!!!!!


Right on, Angel! Too funny! I have a longtime solution. I keep a bottle of water next to the bed and hand it to her immediately, if she needs to swig. And actually, many of them refuse the water!
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Is it okay to criticize your date's appearance?
Posted: 2/11/2012 9:34:15 AM
Hey despargne, there's nothing inherently wrong about your question, EXCEPT, as a thread topic, it has one very large flaw: There's absolutely no debate about it!

Read all the posts here. Did anyone say it was a good idea to critique someone's look on a first date or meet? No, they didn't. Because baseline common sense says no. So, in the future I would try to pose topics where there is no right or wrong answer. Bottom line is, you can do or say anything you like on a first meet, but you do so at your own peril. I can't imagine anyone who would want to see someone again who has just blasted their outfit or their look at the first meet. Part of what we judge new people by is their manners. And taking someone down for their choice of clothing or makeup is simply bad manners.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 45 (view)
 
awkward silences
Posted: 2/11/2012 6:37:06 AM
It's ok, hag--we can move on to your home furnishings scheme next!

Seriously, I'm someone who was introverted as a younger man. But I learned a very basic truth about people: They love to talk about themselves. So when in doubt, ask them about themselves. (It doesn't hurt that in my two careers--first as a journalist, now as a counselor/therapist--interviewing skills were a must.)

Unlike at work, though, it can't SEEM like an interview. You have to apply attending skills that convey an interest, a concern, for the other person. This strategy works for both YOU (if you're introverted) and for the other person (if they're shy). Before you know it, you have a conversation. Best of all, you don't commit the number one sin most women have against men, that they talk about themselves too much! Women appreciate men who show an interest in them. And it works the other way, too. Men like women who care about them.

So, in a nutshell, if you don't like talking too much, get the other person to talk about themselves. Works every time.
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 42 (view)
 
awkward silences
Posted: 2/11/2012 6:01:52 AM

"I'm really loving the color of these walls, what color is your place?"


Ok, we're waiting, oldhag: What color IS your place?
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 41 (view)
 
awkward silences
Posted: 2/11/2012 5:58:06 AM
Once you run out of written language, it's time to go to the body language, I always say! Nuthin fills up dead air better!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Thank you for a lovely night. But I didn't feel any attraction. I am sorry.
Posted: 2/11/2012 5:49:55 AM
Safe to say if she didn't like you with your clothes on, there's little chance that will improve over time. Move on!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Dating rules??
Posted: 2/11/2012 5:45:12 AM
But if the guy is fat, he should seriously consider salads.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 41 (view)
 
No Money and Looking for Love
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:58:03 PM
Dryhump, I don't know if your profile gets you any wet-hump play, but I gotta appreciate the humour! Reminds me of the time I set up a similar profile at a site I couldn't care less about, in which I advertised, "Lookin for a girl with a police record who's on a first-name basis with collection agents!"

I then proceeded to tout the really cool, two-burner hot plate I had in my bathroom-down-the-hall flophouse, and how I had just recently acquired a color television with fully operable rabbit ears.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 209 (view)
 
can men fall in love after a couple weeks???
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:46:29 PM
I can fall in love after one date. Whether it's true love or not--or whether I'm actually stupid enough to say it that quick--well, that's another matter entirely. But if I'm really feelin it for somebody, I'll stay after her until either that feeling changes, or she decides she's done. Or until somebody else comes along, of course!
 conncat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Walking Out during First Meet
Posted: 2/10/2012 1:10:05 PM
Though I agree with people here that someone like that is not worth our time, I would have written a very terse, follow-up note. Some eloquent version of WTF? For my own personal closure.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Feel threatened by man's great relations with his ex?
Posted: 2/9/2012 10:16:11 AM
I DOappreciate all the feedback about my situation--especially the suggestion that I go out there without the ex--with a new GF, if the situation merits it. Believe me, I'd love to make that happen.

But I'd like the women to answer--honestly, please--my original question: Do you actually prefer it if your BF has a damaged realtionship with his ex, so that you can feel more secure about YOUR relationship with him? After all, it's less competition for you, right?

I'm finding it very difficult to let go of my notion that all women would prefer someone who's grown up enough to move on and put good parenting over pissy personal baggage. But I'm beginning to believe I was wrong about that!
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Feel threatened by man's great relations with his ex?
Posted: 2/9/2012 9:55:05 AM
Guess I should add two important points:

1.) The kids are under NO impression that mom and dad are ever getting back together. They've been told this over and over.

2.) Yes, I take them on ski trips by myself all the time. The annual March trip to Telluride is the only one we're together. I have many friends out there I don't want to give up.

I have a notion to take a GF out there sometime, but I've yet to have a relationship of that kind yet. I wouldn't drag someone who wasn't a hardcore skier out there.
 ConnCat
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Feel threatened by man's great relations with his ex?
Posted: 2/9/2012 9:39:20 AM

And just to satisfy my curiosity ... if your ex doesn't ski, why is she going on ski vacations with you and your kids?


She has been going to this resort since way before we dated, and owns a place there. There's much more to do there than just ski. I have also become attached to the place (been going there 14 years), since it offers world-class skiing.

Let me add that I have never called her "my best friend", because she's not. But because she's the mother of my children (and a damned good one), she will always have a special place in my life. Isn't that how we should all regard the mothers of our children, no matter how we may feel about them personally? I guess I'm naive to believe that people see that as a good thing.

Can't tell you how depressing it is that some women in my life can't handle that. It smacks of insecurity. My policy going forward is to say as little as possible about my family. I had thought it was crystal clear that we are over one another--we've both had SO's for years. But some people can put a negative spin on even the best of circumstances.
 
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