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 Author Thread: loneliness
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
loneliness
Posted: 3/27/2010 12:19:09 PM
Some, if not most people are lonely now & then. There is a big difference however between being alone and being lonely. On many days I enjoy the peace and solitude of being alone, and if I not on a given day I go out amongst the other humans, sometimes friends and family, sometimes just a place where I can hang out and talk to strangers should I choose.

But yes, it can get lonely at times, and I miss sharing an intimate connection, and no, I don't mean that solely in a sexual context. Yes, some people would consider it a weakness to admit loneliness, but to me its a sign of a person who is truly in touch with their feelings to recognize it as such, and self-confident enough to reveal it. The next step along that road though is doing something about the loneliness; sitting around constantly moping and bemoaning your situation IS a weakness. So hey, we're here on POF, at least trying to alleviate it, right!? Cheers to us then!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 343 (view)
 
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 3/23/2010 9:30:58 PM
When I'm dating a woman, I never expect her to pay, but I almost always expect her to make the gesture of offering to split the bill, or at least offer to leave the tip. If she insists I'll let her too. I've recently had the experience with two different women, on first meetings, where the check came and they just stared off into space, and I barely got a thank you from either of them. Which showed a lack of character in my book, and led to me not asking either out again.

Once you get involved in a relationship that makes it a bit different, and if both are doing their best to make ends meet rather than one making substantially more than the other, you split the bill or just take turns.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
ex pain
Posted: 3/16/2010 12:59:17 PM

It's quite common, and understandable, to want to remain friends with an ex after they have unilaterally decided to end the relationship.

Why?

Because "half a loaf is better than none". Most dumpees figure they're better off having at least a small part of the person they once had in their entirety, and they settle for crumbs, scrambling for every little bit of attention from the person they think they're in love with. Truth is, it's better to cut the cord completely...the pain is greater up front but the healing will be faster and the overall pain will be less.


That nails it perfectly! I've been on either side of that equation, and its difficult if not impossible to pull off. I have a very few people in my life that I was previously involved with and I broke it off, we parted ways on good terms and then, eventually, we came back into each other's orbits and are now friends. But to try to do it immediately after a breakup, when one person is still carrying a strong torch for the other is unfair to both people and doomed to fail. I recently tried that myself as a dumpee, and it was a fool's errand, leaving me unsatisfied and still alone.

We all seem to try so hard to be good people and there is nothing wrong with that, but that doesn't mean that everyone that comes into your life will always be, or needs to be, a part of it. The dumper typically offers the "lets be friends" out of guilt, deserved or not, for feeling bad about hurting their now ex partner, while the dumpee is just trying to futilely hold on to something that is gone. Trying to dial it back from a relationship to a friendship is problematic at best, and requires some time away from each other for both parties, just to heal from the loss of intimacy.

Let her go OP, go thru the transitional phases of losing her as you must til you get to a comfortable place, and then possibly you can enjoy a friendship with her. Just don't count on it, or delude yourself with false hope that it'll happen. The best revenge, regardless of how she treated you in parting ways, is to live well. To do that you need to stop dwelling on her.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 95 (view)
 
I have a great looking girl but............
Posted: 3/16/2010 12:42:36 PM
OP, you say you have found a wonderful woman who is not only very physically attractive, but more importantly shows a strength of character and discipline that makes her quite the catch. And yet all you can do is look for problems. Guess what? With that attitude, that's all you find!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Is it normal to have some insecurities?
Posted: 3/14/2010 12:56:30 PM
Not only is it normal, but I'd go so far to say that if you DON'T have the occasional bit insecurity or brief moment of self doubt that you have issues, and are likely either delusional or insufferably arrogant. As long as those insecurities don't overwhelm your life, you'll be just fine.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 45 (view)
 
My Ex Royally Screwed Me....
Posted: 3/11/2010 12:21:35 PM
If you are projecting past bad experiences onto unsuspecting people that are just coming into your life, then yes, you are damaged. I'm about the furthest thing you'll ever find from a religious person, but I am a good person who strives to live by the golden rule, namely, treat others the way you want to be treated. Imagine you met someone great and you hit it off really well, only to have him consistently keep you at a distance because he had a trainwreck of an ex. How would that make YOU feel? Learn from the bad experiences you have, but turn them into positive lessons, not negative ones.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
3rd times a charm...does it apply to relationships?
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:05:55 AM
Almost everyone deserves a second chance, and I've done it on a few occasions. But a third time? No, not for me; if we haven't figured it out after trying twice, chances are we're just beating our heads against the wall.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
a submissive woman, and a shy guy not into BDSM - can it work?
Posted: 3/7/2010 3:19:48 PM
Can it work? Yes, but I'm sorry to say the odds are against you. As Namrael and some of the other smart folks have said, you need to sit and talk with her about how far you're willing to go and what she can and can't live with or without.

The good news is, at least she is talking to you about all of this. I just went thru a situation where I met a woman from another site, and part of her interest in me was as a Dom. Now I do tend to enjoy sexual play that way, but I'm not the lifestyle type, nor could I ever be. In this situation however that sounded workable, since I was told directly that was exactly what she wanted as well. We both emphasized that we wanted a traditional relationship with some D/s aspects thrown in, but that a real connection and something vanilla was the primary focus. We went out a few times, then spent the night together, during which we engaged in some of that sort of play, but not too much, as it takes time to develop. In particular, I'm not a big fan of verbal degradation either, but I'm game for the most of the rest. We said a big goodbye the next morning, and the following day, after she was out with a GF for the night, I got a phone call telling me it wouldn't work, as I wasn't rough enough or Dom enough for her tastes, after just one night together. Seemed like she pulled the trigger too soon to me, but to each their own.

So at least your lady friend is talking to you about this, but if you can't do something she can't be satisfied without you may have to part ways.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 47 (view)
 
80/20
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:25:47 PM
You can play with numbers any which way you want. Some days will be 90%, or even 98%, while others might be like 10%. I realize the OP isn't rally trying to quantify it as such, just using a numerical concept to illustrate her point, and its a good one. Personally, I try to ensure that my glass is always 51% full. To me, as long as the good outweighs the bad on the majority of days, well, you got a shot at making it work.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 73 (view)
 
'i met the love of my life on a sex site'
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:10:27 PM
Great post! I recently got involved with a woman that I met on an alternative site. She contacted me, and at first, we hit it off incredibly well, and I imagined we might have a chance at a future. We agreed not to get too caught up in all the labels that often accompany such interests, to let the relationship evolve on its own and let the other non-vanilla aspects grow in a similar way, but not be the primary focus of what we were doing. However, holding to that turns out to be a problem, at least in my experience, when you meet someone in that way, and in my case at least, it was over as quickly as it had begun. Sure, as the OP mentioned, it takes much of the guessing game out of the sexual part of getting to know someone new. But it also seems to put the spotlight on that component of the relationship, instead of truly getting to know the other person, and ultimately to the detriment of the chance to have a real relationship.

There was a post on the forums previously, asking if you would get involved with a person who was into BDSM. My viewpoint was that if it was all about the BDSM, then no, they wouldn't be for me. But if it were a real, loving relationship that incorporated some of those elements and interests, then yes, as long as you don't forget what is the most important part of that relationship.

So, can it work? Absolutely! But its important to remember that if you want more than just a sexual conquest, and value a monogamous, successful partnership, its still about making a connection with all the aspects of the person, not just their genitals. Just one man's opinion.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
So tell me what happened?....
Posted: 2/23/2010 5:24:37 PM
You have my sympathies OP. I just went thru something very similar, only mine was stretched out over 2-3 weeks and included me spending the night with her, having a big mutual goodbye the next morning, and then she went out with her GF that night. The next morning I got a phone call saying she just wanted to be friends. I asked what it might have been, from the sex maybe not doing it for her (even though it seemed like I did ring her bell; I could be wrong) to perhaps we got too close too soon and it scared her off. I never did get a straight answer. Yeah, it sucks big time, especially when you don't put yourself out there that often and then you find someone you really click with so you take the chance, only to have it fizzle. Bottom line, and I heard it too (not that it helped at first), is if she's that flaky, do you really want her in your life? That's all you can take from it unfortunately.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Sex before commitment=no future?
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:10:36 PM
YesImSure-Great, another douchebag heard from! I realize its a waste of time trying to refute neanderthals like you, but I'm sick of people who can't add anything useful to the forums, and hide behind the anonymity of the internet to be snarky jackasses. For immature little boys like you and that other nitwit Fourm, I guess it makes sense that a man can't honestly express his opinion without an ulterior motive. I'm secure enough with myself to say what I think, without having clowns like you here questioning me and "revoking my man card". Seriously guys, get a clue, real adult women want real adult men with informed opinions. You don't have to agree with my opinion, nor do I have to agree with yours. But to attack me because you don't agree with me makes you an A-hole first class, not to mention violating forum rules. Have something worth saying or STFU!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Sex before commitment=no future?
Posted: 2/22/2010 2:54:00 PM

Sex IS the commitment, at least for me.

... and for the final jeopardy question...

What is a phrase that you never hear men say in a sports bar, at a poker table, in a pool hall, but only on dating sites where they think it impresses women?


Really Fourm Profile? That's what you have to say here? You took the time to add to this thread, and all you can muster is an attack on someone you don't know, questioning my veracity and motives!? People who know me, here and elsewhere know I'm not one to ever say the politically correct thing unless its something I whole-heatedly believe. Look, I don't doubt there are plenty of cynical types that are quite capable of such, but that ain't me guy. Hell, at the moment I'm not even looking for anyone! The purpose of the forums is to add something cogent to the discussion. Next time, check your presumptions at the door instead of just proving to one and all that you're an asshat!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Does not mentioning your age constitute a lie?
Posted: 2/22/2010 1:49:24 PM
Retroactively admitting the truth is not the same thing as honesty. I've seen this quite often in people's profiles, where their stated age is one thing, then a little further down they "confess" to their little white lie. What that tells me is not only are you willing to fudge the truth, usually with some rationalization about you look younger, blah, blah, blah and don't want to miss out because of someone's search parameters, but that you have a basic insecurity about your age. That gives you two strikes before you've even gotten into the batter's box (can you tell spring is coming, hopefully soon? the baseball metaphors are back!), so why would I bother.

I like to date younger women myself, in their 3os and 40s usually, but I know at 48 I may not be everyone's cup of tea, and I will be excluded from many searches sight unseen because of my age, without any chance to get to know each other. The woman I want to find doesn't care that I might be 5 or 10 or 15 years older than her, and will want to get to know me based on who I am and what I have to say, not just a number. See, it weeds out people the other way too!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Sex before commitment=no future?
Posted: 2/22/2010 1:27:10 PM
Sex IS the commitment, at least for me. It doesn't necessarily mean I want to marry you, live with you or that I'm in love with you. What it does mean, for me personally, is I like you, enjoy your company and want to share intimacy with you in the hopes of getting closer, with all that entails. It means I'm not seeing anyone else, and I want you to only be seeing me as well, so that we can fully explore a relationship as opposed to just "dating".

It doesn't necessarily mean all of that to everyone, but that is a conversation you should have and figure out each other's motivations, before the clothes come off.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Dealing with someone who has nothing but negativity to share
Posted: 2/22/2010 1:17:31 PM
I agree, emotional vampires. We do all seem to have friends like this in our lives, or at least have had them. Its not just that they rarely have anything to share with you other than hard luck stories about how bad things are with them and some other friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a parent/sibling. You do the good friend thing and listen, provide any support you can, even offer the occasional tough love aspect and tell them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. The breaking point for me however is when the shoe is on the other foot and I need to vent to them about something, but they are bored, easily distracted or just uninterested in helping, even if its just to listen for a change. That can be such a moment of clarity, and high time to cut these kind of people out of your life.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Do guys like these exist past 35?
Posted: 2/20/2010 11:03:58 AM
^^^Spot on Alooo, as I've come to expect from your posts. And hilarious too!

OP, there are some guys out there that fit all of your qualifications. The issue is, by narrowing your search parameters so much, are you cutting down on your chances of finding a good man to share your life? I'll give you an example from my life.

For years, I wanted to get married and have a family. I was married and divorced very young and had a son when I was still practically a child myself. I made the best of the situation I could, but always felt like I had missed out and wanted another chance to have a family someday. But as I got older, it became less and less likely it was going to happen. Point is, it would be silly of me to restrict myself to only women that wanted to have children when the odds of that were so decreased. The most important thing for me is to find a good, loving person to be in my life, and I feel like I shouldn't reject a person like that based solely on her desire to have or not have kids.

Same with your deal with a guy never being married. Everyone has their preferences and deal breakers too, but why would one of them be that he was married previously or that he has children, as long as he loves you and wants to have children with you some day? Sure it can get complicated, but lots of people make it work every day. If you absolutely must have this, well, that's your choice, but the statistics are against you. And as Alooo pointed out, if that also includes a ring on your finger before he gets in your bed, well, you may wait forever.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
When they say they are ready to quit the site
Posted: 2/20/2010 10:40:41 AM
Yep, bat that ball right back into her court, and ask her what she wants. She is an adult, and if she is happy with you and wants to pursue it, great. She has the option to delete her profile, hide it or change it to reflect she is only here for the forums or change her status to not looking.

Now to what is essentially another matter, although related. As far as having the exclusivity conversation, that should be done in person, not by email or text or whatever. After just 2 dates would be awfully soon for me, but no, it isn't really a red flag. Where I draw the line personally with being exclusive is once we've decided to be intimate, but some would disagree with that too. The point is to communicate with each other, that way no one is left guessing or trying to give not so subtle hints.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Strength of character, or character flaw?
Posted: 2/19/2010 1:55:40 PM
See, I knew what my answer was before I posted this, was just curious what others thought. I'm not one of those sorry sorts who wants someone to "complete" me, but I do know that too often (not always though) I am much more of a better person, or closer to the person I want to be, when I have someone special in my life. So yes, that makes it a weakness in my eyes, but one I'm mindful of, and working to overcome. To be that better person I think it takes honesty, especially when it comes to looking in the mirror.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Do women who engage in affairs w/married men deserve an apology?
Posted: 2/19/2010 1:45:33 PM
If you knowingly get involved with a married person you are no better than they are, and deserve all the heartache and grief you get. Not that I ever thought this was the case with all these tramps coming out of the woodwork with Tiger. They were looking for their 15 minutes of fame and a little payday, so they won't get any sympathy from me.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/19/2010 1:41:56 PM

because some people are cowards hun and avoid confrontation.


That says it all in my opinion. I just went thru a situation with a woman I was rapidly falling for and she was doing likewise, so she said. Something happened literally in the space of 24 hours, when she went out with a GF for the night after I left her place that morning, and suddenly she is calling me and telling me we should just be friends. This is after we've been out a few times, I've met her young son, and we'd been intimate. In my opinion she got scared off when I told her I wanted to be exclusive once we had slept together. Most people, men & women both, want and expect that after being intimate, but the reality seemed to be more than she could handle. In the long run, hey, if she is that confused and screwed up, we wouldn't have lasted anyway. All of that is fine, but don't give me some lame a$$ phone call after I've invested so much emotionally. I've broken things off with people, and sure, its difficult, but they deserve to be treated with enough respect that they get a face to face goodbye, as long as it isn't an argumentative situation. We have way too much technology in our lives these days, which only makes it easier for the cowardly types to hide behind.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Strength of character, or character flaw?
Posted: 2/18/2010 8:17:13 PM
"I tend to be a better person, when I have someone in my life to be a better person for."

My son has long been grown up and gone for many years now, and I haven't been involved long term with a woman for quite a while, meaning the only responsibility I typically have is myself. Not that I ever completely embrace my inner Costanza and sit around in my underwear eating cheese (lol), but its easy to lose focus and purpose when you don't see yourself reflected in another person's eyes. I've found myself saying that over the years in different situations, sometimes looking back at something that might have been, or while looking forward, trying to figure out where I want to go. I recently said that to someone who told me "that is a lovely sentiment." But is it really? Does being capable of being there for someone else qualify as strength of character, or is trying to solve other people's problems just a clever way of avoiding your own? Evaluate, for you personally, does the statement above qualify as a positive or a negative?
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 42 (view)
 
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/18/2010 2:33:48 PM
Wow, I see someone resurrected this thread. Funny, when I first posted this, I had just gotten out of a brief relationship, one which I called a halt to because I didn't see a long term future in it. Now I find myself having been very recently on the other end of that, got involved with a woman I was crazy about, and was told she was crazy about me as well, until she abruptly changed her mind and tossed me away. This latest gal was one I could have seen myself having a long term relationship with, and she repeatedly told me she wanted the same thing. Without much of an explanation she halted it midstream, and I can only guess that the reality of a relationship scared her off from the fantasy she seemed to have in her head.

So what have I learned from all this? I'm right back where I was. You go on a date trying not to have too many expectations, but all too often you can tell within the first few minutes of being with someone if there is a chance in hell of making a run together. I hate to waste my time or anyone else's, and I won't lead anyone on just to save myself from staying home on a Friday night. I'm not interested in finding a middle as far as settling for less than what I want, ever, but finding a middle that allows simple dating that allows me to get to the relationship part. Others here have said they hate dating, and I'm right there with you, knowing there is no instant solution. I've been stuck in a rut of either being head over heels or completely uninterested. Being impulsive and romantic are some of my best characteristics, but how do I find a way to temper the enthusiasm, or lack thereof, and just let things evolve. I know part of it is my age, wanting to find a partner to share my life has more immediacy, and feel like I might just be running out of chances.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
She does not want to be around my kids.
Posted: 2/17/2010 12:25:38 PM
^^^The stories don't amaze me, but the fact that you are still supposedly with this woman does. I too tend to doubt the veracity of this post, just because who would put up with all this nonsense, and why!?

But for those who do have issues with relationships (not just dating) and children, you have to remember that its a package deal, and if you can't form some kind of bond with the kids, mom or dad are unlikely to want you around, and rightfully so.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
How would you celebrate one year of dating?
Posted: 2/7/2010 9:05:31 AM
My now ex and I celebrated our one year anniversary of dating by getting married in 02. It seemed romantic at the time, getting married one year to the day, and it was romantic for a while. Not to be a bummer, but it ended in divorce in 05. Right gesture perhaps, but wasted on the wrong woman.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Do I just put the typical cliches in my profile?
Posted: 2/4/2010 1:49:45 PM
Thanks for some great suggestions! I've gone ahead and incorporated some of what was mentioned here; who knows, it might even work!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Do I just put the typical cliches in my profile?
Posted: 2/3/2010 3:35:30 PM
You have far too much negativity in your profile. Ranting about your lack of success is not attractive.


I was going for tongue in cheek and a self-deprecating sense of irony (see my screen name?), not cynicism or woe is me bitterness. But I'll take your suggestion under advisement, thanks!

And hello to you too Tracy! I will split that up some, thanks for the tip! I can get a little verbose, but you already knew that.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Do I just put the typical cliches in my profile?
Posted: 2/3/2010 3:21:31 PM
OK, go ahead, be as brutal as you feel you need to be folks. I'm so tired of writing to a woman, introducing myself and talking about what caught my eye in her profile, only to see later she has read my message and deleted it without reply. Its frustrating, since I feel my profile mentions enough details about me and what I'm looking for, and I think anyway, conveys a real sense of who I am. I know, I know, its all about your pictures, and I'm guessing some don't find me attractive, even if people other than my mom have said so!

So tell my, oh wise ones, what am I doing wrong here? Should I just fill up my profile with tired cliches about taking long walks on a moonlit beach?
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:05:30 AM

the best thing is when you're meeting, dating or a relationship with someone just enjoy the moment, dont put your expection too high.


Oh, I know all of that, including most of what Phx Guy (thanks for the lecture pal!) wrote too, and I'm kicking myself in the ass for making what amounts to rookie dating mistakes. If you look at my profile you see very plainly that I don't normally approach a first date or the beginnings of a relationship with any expectations in particular. In fact, I've very often tell people flat out that the only expectations I have are honesty and courtesy, nothing more. Yet somehow I was dumb enough to not follow my typical precautions with this woman and got too caught up with her way too soon. Not that I mind throwing those precautions to the wind, if I think we're on the same page, and that was the case here, or so she said. The discussions about what we wanted from a relationship were prompted by her, not me, and I responded in kind, which is why I'm so damn puzzled by her abrupt withdrawal. Oh well, chalk another one up to a lesson learned the hard way.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:22:29 AM
I've been on the other end, so I know it happens. But never in this way before, so abruptly having a person change their mind, literally overnight. As an older guy, and someone who doesn't like to waste my time or anyone else's, I tend to be fairly decisive when it comes to dating, and I tend to be either very into someone or I'm not at all and go on my way. So a few weeks ago I met a wonderful woman on another site, and we just had that immediate rapport and chemistry in our messages and by phone. That carried over and more, when we met in person for a first date a week later. It was one of those dates where you can't keep your eyes or your hands off each other (not in a sexual way, but affectionately). You know, the kind of night where others around you can just tell you're really into each other, and we got plenty of those envious looks. In the course of getting acquainted we both professed to wanting the same things out of life and love, stating we were looking for a monogamous one on one relationship with the hopes it could grow into something long term.

Fast forward to this past weekend, when we had plans to spend our first night together. Granted, only our third date, but we seemed further along than that just because of the connection we shared, and I just went with it. She had an overnight babysitter all lined up, and we had made plans for a lovely evening together and talked all week about how much we were looking forward to it. Then the day before she contacts me online and is telling me what an awful day she had had at work, and invites me to join her and her boy for dinner then to watch TV after to keep her company. Which is what we did, me doing nothing more than holding her in my arms and giving her the TLC she said she wanted. I went home early, then came back the next night for our planned evening together, which went even better than I had even hoped. Again, she agreed, was every bit as passionate as I was and we were as compatible there as we'd been in everything else we had done to that point. During the course of that night I expressed to her that once we crossed that threshold of sharing intimacy that I wanted and expected us to be exclusive, so there wasn't any miscommunication between us. The following night she goes out to fancy function with a GF, and the next morning I get the "we should just be friends" phone call, and its over just like that.

I'm not the type to sit and dwell on it; as far as I'm concerned she missed out, and if she's that confused or unable to effectively communicate then I don't want or need her in my life. But here was a case where I was fully committed to the moment, thinking she was right there with me on the same page, and I could have seen myself falling for her eventually. The easy answer is it got too sexual too soon, but how do you avoid this sort of confusion at the beginning of what seems so promising? I'm wondering if I scared her with the talk of being exclusive, but I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, and she said neither did she. I like to think I'm a perceptive man, yet somehow I feel I missed a crucial signal along the way. How do you identify that sort of thing, when your new partner is telling you she's every bit as into you as you are into her, then tells you lets just be friends, which really means I don't want to see you anymore, the next day?
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Its not fair to compare?
Posted: 1/28/2010 12:25:19 PM
Of course you're going to make comparisons to your past BF, especially considering how young you are and that he was likely you're one and only. Nothing wrong with it either, as long as you don't spend too much time dwelling on it. Let yourself be open to meeting new and different types of people and you'll be surprised how fast your horizons broaden. And you'll know when you've found someone truly special, because he won't spark those sorts of comparisons, or at the least, they'll be going in the other direction (ie. you're ex never did this or that for you, that the new guy does.)
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Staying with Sex Addicts--Rehab Notwithstanding?
Posted: 1/27/2010 11:35:54 AM
You're starting with a bad premise, or at least bad examples. Tiger's wife, if she sticks around, will do so because she literally has millions of reasons to do so. As far as Hillary, well, as Dennis Miller once said, "That marriage couldn't be more about convenience of they had a vending machine at the foot of the bed." Its a political marriage of course. And the NY Gov's wife, I don't know enough to stay, but I'd assume there is big bucks, and that always helps.

Now for the rest of us mere mortals, its a personal decision whether or not to stay with a cheating spouse, and while some will, some won't. I'd have to think if my partner told me they had an "addiction" to sex and that is why they were rolling around in strange beds that I'd be less inclined to stay. Any nonsense about going to rehab is just that, nonsense. Now liking sex too much is a disease too!? Sometimes people are asshats because they are asshats, that simple. There isn't any deep-seated psychological explanation, and copping to such is merely a poor excuse for despicable behavior. Its also a reflection of your character, if instead of facing up to and admitting that you were wrong you try to make excuses, and yet another reason not to tolerate that behavior or give them a second chance.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Meeting at your/his house on first date
Posted: 1/25/2010 7:17:36 AM
I'd agree with a public meeting being the most prudent course of action for a first date. But as VGE wisely pointed out, personal safety and instincts are just that, personal. You can establish some measure of trust online and on the phone, but once you meet it becomes something entirely different, and it becomes a matter of judgment. Where it goes from there however...

Just this past weekend I had what may well have been the single best first date of my life. We met in a public place, had dinner and connected as well as we had hoped to and felt confident we would, based on our previous conversations. Deciding to go somewhere else after we ate, we dropped off her car at her house and took my car to our next stop, then I took her home at the end of the evening. The whole evening went great, and all of that based on her personal judgment and assessment of me, and vice versa, so I guess it comes back to the old "never say never."
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
if we both have said I LOVE YOU,,, should we delete our profiles
Posted: 1/25/2010 6:45:06 AM

You've said "I love you" even though you were reluctant to?
You've put your pics back up even though you didn't want to?
You can't talk openly and honestly with the love of your life but you can ask total strangers on an internet forum how to conduct your private life? And you're how old?


^^^My thoughts too. I see a post like this, then check the OP's profile and I'm shocked to find out its an otherwise adult person. It seems such a childish thing to do, you're upset with him for still being on here, so rather than communicating directly with him about how you feel, you repost your pictures in the hopes of him getting the hint you're trying to put out there. You know, there is an option to change your status for not single/not looking, and still be able to leave up your profile, communicate with friends you've made and contribute here in the forums. Maybe that would work for him, and for you.

I'm not trying to be overly harsh here, but you put this out here in the public domain, and I see a few things wrong here that you and your "love" need to come to terms with...

You mention how much he always says he misses you and needs you so early on...sounds a little desperate and clingy so early in a relationship. Saying how you've been played in the past and worry about it happening again...are you projecting your past relationship failures onto him? The fact that you haven't been intimate with him yet, try passing that off as a virtue(???), and you're thankful you haven't taken that step? How, as an adult, can you possibly say you love someone that you haven't shared intimacy with as yet?

You may want to be with no one else but this man, but it isn't love yet, not without the communication and trust that comes with such a relationship, and helps make that bond stronger. My advice if you want this to work, is stop playing silly, childish games and talk to him about your fears and concerns. Good luck!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
weird conversation about first meetings
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:44:30 PM
What reasonable gentleman would expect a woman to drive all the way to him for a first meeting? He did you a favor OP, by showing his true colors so early on, for whatever reasons he might have had.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41 (view)
 
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:41:34 PM

She's just one month out of a two-year relationship? Darn tootin' she's not ready. Too bad it took putting her toe in the water for her to realize it, because that sucks for you, but it's the truth, all right. At least she did realize it, though, instead of using you as Rebound Guy. That'd be worse.

I think you should tell her to call and see if you're available when she is ready and leave you alone until that time. Then leave her alone, too.

Trying to be friends wasn't a good idea from the outset. You're not her friend - you're a guy who's hoping she'll be ready to date you soon. And she won't be. It's going to take some time to heal from the breakup of her first lengthy involvement, and that is awful for her, but it is also absolutely Not Your Problem.


I am almost always impressed by the sage advice Helen outs forth here, and this case was no exception.

This woman needs some time to come to terms with herself and who she is as a singleton. In the meantime OP, you are just someone who is always there for her, as a BF replacement. How can she ever find out if she truly misses and wants you, or just wants to be with somebody, if you're always at her beck & call? Dial it way back, eliminate the texting and calls and maybe see her once every other week or so for a movie or dinner, but stop letting yourself in for any extra emotional angst. Give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants, and even if that isn't you as seems likely, you may make a friend out of it all. For now though, she is still healing, and she needs to do that alone. I know its easy to get caught up in the warm fuzzies of wishful thinking, hoping that things will suddenly change, but its self-defeating and unrealistic. Date other people and keep this one at arm's length at a minimum.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
break up opinions?
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:13:33 PM
It doesn't matter a hill of beans who broke up with who here; as you stated, the simple fact is you are enjoying the single life right now, so there is no reason to even contemplate going back with her. She might be having regrets and second thoughts, but you've clearly moved on (well, other than, as one poster pointed out, flipping her the virtual finger here, but hell, some small catharsis at her expense is OK) and are liking that choice, so why reconsider or feel like you might owe her anything? All you owe her at this point is honesty. Maybe when she is less stressed out by school you'll both be open to trying again. And maybe not. In the meantime, you're young, go enjoy yourself.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Right person wrong time
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:00:21 PM
You say you met her about 8 months ago AND she has an 8 month old baby. Which means she starting talking to you just before or just after the child was born. Maybe at first you were a lifeline for her, someone to talk to and keep her spirits up during what has to be a tough time to be alone. Maybe as things grew between you she even thought that perhaps she could have it all, but now is having trouble making sense of it all. Fact is she has more important priorities in her life right now, and a little one at home that needs her attention a heck of a lot more than you. Its quite possible that you are the "right person at the wrong time" for her. As always, its about communication. Talk to her instead of letting your insecurities get the better of you, and figure out if you can have a present and/or a future together, if that is what you both truly want. Good luck!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Do ex-cheaters tell?
Posted: 1/22/2010 12:49:00 PM
I know what my ex-wife did in this case and saw it in black & white, not to mention hearing it from people we both knew. She told people all kinds of crazy fabricated stories about me, including that it was me who cheated on her instead of the other way around as really happened, mostly to garner sympathy and attention, and to make herself look better than the person she truly is, namely a chronic, pathological liar with some serious issues.

As for me, I cheated exactly once in my life, on a long term GF, back in my 20s. No excuses to offer, I was flat out wrong, and I felt so terrible (no, I never did tell her; why hurt her unnecessarily?) after that I vowed not to ever feel like that again. If anyone ever asks me I tell them just that, and they can judge for themselves.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Do you respond to people who obviously didn't read your profile?
Posted: 1/18/2010 8:39:41 PM
It happens to me all the time. I get people who are heavy smokers, separated or seriously religious, which my profile specifically states aren't the type for me. The worst ones are the wordsmith knuckleheads that write "Hi, how are you?" or "I liked your profile." and not another word. I'm very clear that I won't answer those, and will just delete them without any response, but I still seem to get a few every week.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 169 (view)
 
is kinky sex ds, bdsm, a bad thing
Posted: 1/18/2010 11:23:21 AM
As long as its safe, sane and consensual, its all good between two willing partners. If one person is into something that the other isn't however, then it can be bad, but only because it points to a basic sexual incompatibility.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
People looking for relationships when they are going to move soon
Posted: 1/13/2010 5:56:05 PM
I too am looking at possibly moving in the not too distant future, depending on the job market and whether a better opportunity than my current gig presents itself. It may be more of a local or regional move, or it might be cross country. In the meantime I'm looking to simply date. If it develops into something more, there is the possibility I would change my plans, or that she would come with me. The point is, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Is 30 a watershed in mind only?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:59:28 PM
To quote a Kevin Costner movie character, you either define the moment or the moment defines you. Meaning, at least to me, that the watershed moments in your life aren't some arbitrary and inevitable number you'll reach, but the moments in your like that cause you to reflect on who you are, where you've been and where you're going, and shape and change who you are. Getting married is a watershed moment. Having a baby and realizing you're responsible for another life had better be a watershed moment, or you're not qualified to be a parent. Moving into your first home, landing a dream job, even something simple like buying a brand new sports car. Those moments can happen at 25 or 30 or 50. Or 27, 34 and 46. See, its not about the number, nor should it be.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
RUNNER-UP TO ANOTHER POF WOMAN ??
Posted: 1/9/2010 9:54:45 PM
^^^I have to agree with Helen on this one. I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong answer as far as giving someone another opportunity to get acquainted in such a situation. There is nothing wrong with initially dating more than one person in my book. He was honest about the situation, and didn't just disappear into the ether as some many do. Its just a personal decision at that point, and as such I'd weigh both the risks and the potential rewards, and figure it out from there.

But this guy did go over the top with the whole "spending Thanksgiving together" and moving too fast too soon. Granted, the OP was right there along with him, but usually when you start talking that way you've moved beyond a simple dating/getting acquainted stage and have gone on to the beginnings of a relationship, so I understand her confusion and hurt. I'd be hesitant about anyone that was in that big of a hurry, then bails the way he did, then pops back up again a short time later. In this particular case I think the OP made the right call.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
A Fanatics Toll on a Relationship
Posted: 1/8/2010 6:03:59 PM
That should be VERY interesting Splitions! As a Philly resident and an Eagles fan myself I'd have to say I draw the line only at Cowboys fans (and maybe Yankees or Mets). Not that I have an issue with it if they grew up being a Cowboys fan and are from that area. But for someone from Philly to be a Cowboys fan? They were dropped on their head as a small child! You're from Texas though, so its OK. How did he get to be an Eagles fan would be my question. Make it fun and have the loser pay or something.

Back to the OP...I don't have any problem with fans of any team or sport, since I fall into that category myself. The only prerequisites are, don't be obnoxious about it, don't be a front runner or fair weather fan only, and if your team loses, don't be such a jerk about it that you let it affect your mood so much that it spoils our time together.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Does fate exist?
Posted: 1/7/2010 6:47:52 PM
Come on pal, doesn't this belong in the philosophy 101 section, right next to the "how many angels can dance on the head of a pin" debate? A string of random events that lead to a desired outcome can be defined as fate, if you are simple minded and engaged in wishful thinking, but you seem smarter than that certainly. Fate and destiny preclude the idea of free will, so choose your poison. Since we're in heavy duty universal truth telling mode, I'll lay a few of my favorite quotes on you, regarding the subject.

Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice - William Jennings Bryant

The universe is neither malevolent or benign, merely indifferent - Carl Sagan

PS-An American girl chatting up a British guy is no big surprise, women love accents. Does the same happen to Yanks visiting the UK?
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
To Forward? Advice would be appreciated!
Posted: 1/7/2010 6:27:30 PM
Just be true to yourself and your usual nature. You want him to like you for who you are right, not someone you are pretending to be? If he doesn't like your true personality, then you aren't a good match for each other.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Have you ever gone out with someone you didn't think was attractive at first?
Posted: 1/7/2010 12:00:11 PM
There has to be at least something about the other person you find attractive. Its not all about their physical appearance (as long as you don't find them completely unattractive), but you could agree to a date with someone because you like their sense of humor, their intellect, or you just share some common interests. Put me in the category of those who are sometimes pleasantly surprised, when I go against "type" and date someone for reasons other than the obvious. It there is a genuine connection there, for whatever reason, you'll suddenly notice how attracted you are after all.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Do i need to hear his excuse?
Posted: 1/7/2010 7:53:14 AM
Why bother? Unless it was a life or death situation, there is absolutely no excuse for him not at least doing you the courtesy of explaining why he couldn't make it at the last minute. I wouldn't waste my time block him, just ignore him if he contacts you again. Of course if he does continue to contact and harass you, then block him and report him. He has shown his true colors, so I don't see any point in wasting any more time worrying about why he didn't show.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Am I being stupid here ....
Posted: 1/6/2010 1:49:58 PM
I can understand your concerns OP, especially with her continuing to come back and ask after you've already told her no. However, I do think you need to look at this in a different light if perhaps there is a next time, with her or with someone else.

There are lots of variables here, but it seems like all you considered are the negatives. Do you own or rent? Because chances are, if you rent you won't be there forever. And that is just one factor. This is a risk/reward situation (and possibly just a get out of jail free card with her-if everything else was a go for her to be in your life, I find it hard to believe you would let this ONE thing prevent it), and when I have something similar to deal with, I make a list of pros and cons. Then I make a decision based on what I feel is best for me, and whether or not I want to take the risk if it blows up on me. Take some time, consider what good might come out of it versus bad, and then make an informed decision. Good luck!
 
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