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 Author Thread: Emailing, Texting, or Calling
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Emailing, Texting, or Calling
Posted: 2/17/2012 3:26:58 PM
Texting for sure. I'm a huge texting freak! A friend and I used to text so much I would wear down my nails on the keys when I had a blackberry. Crazy I know. I don't have too much trouble getting tone across with the use of emoticons and taking the time to identify sarcasm, etc., and I usually get to know a lot about people before I meet them which makes for better conversation on our first date. After I meet someone I like to text throughout the day but would rather call at night. It's just faster to talk about details of your day...and I want to hear the other persons voice
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Why are successful attractive women intimidating and can't get a date
Posted: 2/15/2012 10:28:48 PM
I've run into that too...I'm not overly attractive but I have a great job that most can't beat in pay, I own my own home and I take care of myself quite well. Men don't quite know how to fit into my life even when I tell them they just have be fun, respectful and nice. Just because we can operate within the corporate world, doesn't mean we want the corporate type...not sure I would want the convenience store clerk but to each their own. I have always joked that I want someone who can knock 'em dead in the boardroom and come home to fix my breaks. I can lead a presentation and come home to cook a killer meal or build a fence so it is possible lol. But their ego gets in the way and they fear getting hurt in the end so they give up without even trying. You just need to find a secure man. They are rare...some of my friends have found them but more when they were building their careers, it's much harder after. One way to help things is to find some spots that you can let them feel like they are needed...even if they aren't. I can mow my lawn and clean my furnace filter but I can also let them do it instead and not complain how they do it lol. I'd rather not have to play that game but I also understand that if it helps them feel needed and more equal it's worth it to allow them to feel secure and good about themselves so we can focus on having fun otherwise.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Another Guy Bites the Love Dust…
Posted: 2/15/2012 10:09:32 PM
Yep, it's happened to me twice since I've been on here and it happens all the time for many people. I loved who they presented themselves to be both online and in person but in the end it turns out they weren't that person at all because the disappearing act was exactly who they said they weren't. Ha. People often have little insight to who they really are and unfortunately they leave broken hearts along the way. To those of us who are kind, honest and respectful in relationships, regardless of length and intensity for us, the behaviour can be difficult to understand...but that's their issues, not ours.

Misunderstandings, or even out right mistakes, about a bill can be annoying but shouldn't be a deal breaker without at least having a mature discussion about it. She had a right to change her mind, even for petty things, but she had a responsibility to engage you and end it in a proper way. If people can't handle the closing of a relationship (no matter how brief) then they shouldn't be out there trying to start one. Just my opinion.

You can either let it change who you are...and perhaps miss meeting someone who is open and ready for a great whirlwind the next time...or you can accept that you tried and it just didn't work with that one. Putting up walls will save you from the hurt but you might miss that right one who was looking for the same thing and thinks you're riding the fence.

I accept my romantic side...I of course question it when it gets hurt...but in the end it's served me well in other relationships in life, it is who I am and why my friends and family love me and I won't let someone who doesn't treat others with respect and compassion change that. They will get what they deserve...and they sure don't deserve wonderful me. I will just keep searching and hurting until I find the one that doesn't hurt me
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Stood up on vday
Posted: 2/15/2012 8:16:01 PM
I for one am glad you confronted him - leaving you sitting in a park on v-day AND knowing that someone hurt you like that before. That is so beyond malicious and deserved more then a tongue lashing imo. To jab someone in a tiger spot so intentionally is so unfathomable to me but people do it all the time. And then to ask you to be friends after? Like he deserves any respect and hopefully new blonde see's he's a douche too. A-holes like that expect others to take the high road, or doormat position, so they can continue on with their b-s with no repercussions or guilt. I like a girl that stands up for herself...however if you go back to being friends I'll come kick your ass. Sounds like there were some red flags though so make sure you learn from it and move on to find someone better.

ALSO you do sound A LITTLE psycho (and you seem to know and embrace it) so perhaps some counselling might do you some good too. Sometimes we all need to talk to someone...without the feedback from unqualified others:)

I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope the next one will be kinder and more respectful.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 68 (view)
 
No Money and Looking for Love
Posted: 2/15/2012 6:26:35 PM
All you have to do is find someone who sees money as an object too and doesn't like to do the things that require money. Then it's no issue. I would love to put fulfilment ahead of money but personally I also like to do stuff (go on weekend trips, concerts, etc), get stuff done to me (nails, hair, etc) and buy stuff (like clothes, shoes, stuff for my house...oh ya, and a house so I don't have to live in crappy rentals with jim bob stomping around upstairs at 3 am)...all stuff that requires money. If my partner can't afford to pay his way then he limits the stuff I can do and he has to go. If I didn't care about that though, then guys like you might be an option. Personally I would like you to make money and volunteer in the area you enjoy on the side...then you are happy and contributing.

Looks can be a factor though as some have said. It's pretty the same the other way around...if you are a hot girl, men will pay your way to be their arm candy...if you are a hot guy, women will pay your way to be their on call pool boy...if you are normal, you have to pay your own way or the other person will eventually get resentful.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 54 (view)
 
after 2 weeks....
Posted: 2/15/2012 6:09:47 PM
I say go find her in person and see if you can get an explanation. If I've learned anything, lots of initial communication doesn't mean they can do it if they get scared. It's seems odd but its true. Sounds like she is scared and is pulling away since she's not still online looking for another fishy (unless she's set up a new acct). At least you'll get to see her reaction. If she still resists or comes up with some lie (never believe the hospital excuses without proof lol) , at least you know you tried and you can go home and mend your heart knowing that she's got issues you can't help with. The not knowing is murder. Even if it doesn't go well you will get something out of it to get some closure. If it goes well though and you end up happy ever after let us know...this place is void of all things romantic.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 5:54:11 PM
For me it would be a deal breaker and has been in the past...but they weren't great in all the other ways you describe so not worth trying to fix. You aren't past your prime, your sex life wasn't good from the beginning so it's not your weight, you are self satisfying 4-5 times a week - he just isn't trying to make it worth your time to take your panties off if he won't be open to the things you like. If the sex isn't good it's hard to get the hormonal connect needed for attraction. Some women need the toys and some men need the help...:) It should be more about making your partner happy and not being so selfish about their ego. I say try to get him to talk to a counsellor to see if he'd open up more so you both can enjoy it.

I've had friends try to settle for less in the bedroom...it never lasts long term and they regretted the time wasted. Wouldn't it better to end it now and try to salvage a friendship then wasting more time being roommates?
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Would you date (get in a relationship with) yourself?
Posted: 2/15/2012 5:39:30 PM
Hell ya...for once I would find someone honest, trustworthy, smart, generous, driven, supportive, fun and funny as all heck. FINALLY my equal!! Me in a boy package - where are you?
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How do you break up with someone without hurting their feelings?
Posted: 2/13/2012 8:39:11 PM
I think boarderdad50 had the best suggestions.

-Be honest but not brutally so...make sure you know what you want to say beforehand so you don't say something you don't mean
- explain why you are doing it and let them ask their questions so they can make sense of it. People can accept and move on without baggage when they understand and the other person has shown them respect and consideration. People want to feel they matter...or at least mattered.
- sooner is better then later
- take responsibility for your part in it...but don't do the "it's not you, it's me" and pretend to be a tortured soul (barf)
- Don't lie...they'll know its a line of bs and it will hurt more (who's heard "I'm not ready for a relationship" only to see that person back on POF the next day)
- don't try to get them to break up with you. Have more integrity then that and it will hurt them more and drive you nuts
- and don't chicken out, take off and say nothing. It makes things linger on longer then they need to
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Fell Hard Too Fast
Posted: 2/12/2012 7:38:59 PM
I agree with those who think you need to take some responsibility here. This board is filled with some of the most cynical, distrustful people on the planet. Lots of people have fallen in love with their husbands/wives within the first few dates...it's not so uncommon... they just happen to still be married and not be on a posting board of singles. And when you have phone/online conversations ahead of time then there's more being shared by the first date then what you do for a living...the success stories from this site can be the testimonials that it indeed can happen!

The defining factor is both need to feel the same way and be willing to embrace the opportunity for it to work. Love has different forms and intensities...love for a child vs love for a family member vs love for a new friend vs love for an old friend, etc...all possible but very different loves and that can grow or be discarded at different rates depending on the other person.

So if you had marathon phone sessions and had him over to your place where he felt the need for "stuff" then you were giving the impression of a strong connection in your actions, even if your words were the opposite. You weren't just meeting for coffee.

I think the comment about you not having to spend time with your friends because you have a boyfriend now was way too much and a red flag for sure but he most likely was just hoping you might find it romantic and want to choose him over them since the relationship was new. Requesting a drawer was odd too but also a good time to have a discussion about what "taking it slow" meant to you. Lots of people say that and then turn around and have sex with that person the same night and are all lovey dovey. Talk about a mind f*ck to someone falling hard.

Heck I had a fall fast and hard experience recently...we texted all day and late into the night for a week, met at his request, great connection (by his account as well), he pretty much spent 2 weeks living at my house since we both happened to have some time off (and left stuff here), shared lots of personal info that you usually wouldn't share unless you were together a while...then he played the "I need to take things slow" a few times but didn't really say what that meant (fine with me, I didn't want him to move in or anything) and then he does the disappearing act and when he finally gets in touch with me he makes it out like I was too needy and was over reacting to being upset with him because the relationship was so short. WTF! I sure wasn't asking for him to come back...but I did feel I deserved an answer to what happened. In hindsight I dodged a bullet, I think there were probably more lies then truths...so perhaps I needed to have that list of red flags posted back on page 2 though lol (but I and my married friends haven't met anyone without some of those so you never know). Bottom line is, his actions didn't match his words and I got sucked in thinking someone was on the same page and got hurt in the end...it could have been prevented with some maturity and clear communication about expectations, boundaries and wants. I would have kept my walls up too. I did fall in love with him fast...but not enough I couldn't walk away from that mind game crap...but if it had been a 2 year relationship, the love might have been more so that I might have felt it worth fighting for.

I think your guy might have dodged a bullet just as much as well and I hope he can see that soon. He deserves someone who doesn't give mixed signals early on and is open to running with a good opportunity. We're not getting younger and when you know what you want and think you found it then there's nothing wrong with hoping it will work out and giving it your all.

And if they are intruding on your space...fix it by spending more time at theirs so you can drop their stuff back off:)

Finally if his last long term relationship didn't result in him moving in then perhaps he didn't feel the same connection with her as he did with you like he said and didn't lead her on by taking it to the next level and she was ok with a companion too. That's normal and nice...normal is rather subjective.
 Luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Would You Rather Be Wanted Or Needed In a Relationship?
Posted: 2/5/2012 12:05:36 PM
Both depending on what part of the relationship you are talking about...but mostly wanted.
 Luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:43:58 AM
You know I think you are doing everything right in the decision making department.  You say your daughter is your priority, you make her the priority.  You wait to introduce them until the time is right, you ensure the mother is still involved in her life, you continue to work with the mother to make decisions for her, etc.  None of your examples show poor judgment on your part. 
 
What I’m not sure about is how you are handling the communication and negotiation of these situations…and I get that some aren’t up for negotiation but approaching it that was to come to an understanding is important so she knows she is also important to you.  Also it’s possible it’s more about their insecurities and ego and only they can manage that but perhaps the way you are addressing them with issues is also a factor.  I could be wrong but I’ll give my 2 cents since you asked. 
 
As a person without kids, who has dated people with kids, allowing the other person to make their child a priority isn’t as easy as you think.  The main challenges I faced were that as the gf, I had to be second fiddle to the child at all times…so the child’s moods and requests take priority over your plans and availability to be with the other person which sometimes led to disappointment.  Also children take your partners time, money and attention…all things needed when starting a relationship.  The beginning is the hardest too since you can’t incorporate them into your activities so time is very limited and it can make the gf feel like you are on “your/their” schedule…which as a ego hit it makes the gf feels that she is not important and it’s not a partnership.  Some can’t see far enough in the future to see how things will get better once everyone can be around each other. 
 
I think the key with me is good communication and feeling that I was part of the decision making.  If you just call to let the other person know you are cancelling or changing plans and they have no say, as opposed to calling to tell them what is going on and discuss the options and decide together the reaction will be very different.  Odds are the same decision would be reached if it’s the right one, but you let your gf feel she was part of the process.  For me, I could be making plans for a great romantic night together or looking forward to sharing a certain experience and bam, plans changed.  Very disappointing.   
 
I know another thing that bugged me about one guy was he never seemed to have money to take me out for a date (heck even swiss chalet would be ok) but he could take his child on weekend trips and buy them whatever they wanted.            
 
As for the xmas concert where there were only 2 tickets, did you try to get another one?  I doubt you are the only family that may have more then 2 parents to consider.  Had your gf already met your daughter and thus is now part of her life?  I think if you can make an effort to include her and it didn’t work at least she’ll know you tried to include her. 
 
If you tried these and it didn’t work out then you have to chalk it up to their insecurities and inability to compromise.  You can try patience with them but I know sometimes you just have to let it go.  Perhaps next time talk about the realities and experiences with the next gf so she maybe has a better understanding of what prioritizing your child might look like to her. 
 
2 cents over and out…
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Bi Boyfriends?
Posted: 1/31/2012 8:33:27 PM
^^^Long day but there's some funny shiat going on in these forums tonite..

LOL, I would have to agree:)
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Keeping your private info private!
Posted: 1/31/2012 8:13:11 PM
I'm usually pretty good at keeping most things private but I mistakenly sent an email for my pof email acct from my cell which I guess sent my full name...I have since fixed this issue. Next thing I knew the person was giving me my address...creepy to say the least...it was a good lesson in what is public record. Never again!!
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Bi Boyfriends?
Posted: 1/31/2012 8:01:41 PM
For me it would be a deal breaker for sure, I agree its cheating unless your partner agrees to it - but I know women out there who are like you too. I think you have to be up front about it and find someone who's ok with it. You don't want to get into a relationship and keep it hidden...it's not fair to her and she has the right to know her risks of being with you.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/31/2012 6:25:11 PM
You're welcome:) I just happen to come up with that the other day to deal with my own heartbreak. It helped. That's the key for me too...finding the right words and relatable example to explain the craziness of the emotions. Love is love, it doesn't matter who it's directed at...it hurts just the same. Grieve, cry when you need to...just don't get stuck in that spot!!
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
belief n trust??????
Posted: 1/31/2012 6:15:31 PM
Well good luck to you girl...I've been looking for years and so far no real men. Lots of players, liars and good talkers but little of substance. But they are here, I have friends who found the right ones for them so there's hope. I agree with ^^^. Lots of guys see this big old pond and fish like its a derby:) Some advice, watch out for the newbies (they always think they should look around more), don't get too intimate/attached until they are willing to hide their profile (its hard, trust me) and try not to take the disappearing acts too personal (this one is even harder) - if you read the forums you'll see that it's all too common. All the best
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/31/2012 5:42:17 PM
First off...HUGS. It sounds like you needed that. These forums can be a hard place to find empathy sometimes. The underlying messages might be well intended but the tone and delivery isn't quite what it could be given your current state.

I think you are doing the right things like some of the others have said. Sometimes we don't always make the right decisions in life but once they are made we just have to "make them right". You are doing that by getting your education, taking care of your boys, moving on with your life and looking for someone new. Sometimes its easy, other times it's a day-by-day or second-by-second kind of effort. You are grieving and that's ok. If a mother lost her son, and he was a douchbag at times, it doesn't mean she still wouldn't miss him, focus on when they had good times and wish he was there every once and a while. I think many women do this too much though...we forgive bad behaviour since we seem to lead more with emotions and sometimes we do and say thing we don't mean to...I figure its related to the same side of us that keeps us from abandoning our children when they won't stop crying...or you your case feeding them to a dingo lol.

It's hard to get your heart and your head to reconcile - easier said then done for sure - but it will get better. Who knows, you may never get fully over him. For some there is just that one person that sticks with you - it doesn't mean you stop looking. You liked him for so long, you shared some good times together, you had strong feelings for the man you thought he was, your brain is trained to think of him a certain way...it just turns out he's not who you thought he was. Jenny McCarthy had a great line that her therapist said to her...you have an amazing ability to bleach red flags white. Loved that line. I do it too and have paid the price. Now, even though you have had some bad experiences you continue to have an anticipatory response when you think of him. You have trained your brain to focus on the "idea of him"..the bleached white version. Now you need to spend just as much time retraining it to see him for who he really is. And its ok to still like his good parts...at least now you know what you like in the next guy...just make sure you acknowledge the bad and avoid those going forward. I agree having people bash him doesn't help...it never does me. You just need some people who can help you acknowledge both sides until your heart strings let go some more. If you have some good friends or family to talk to, then reach out. If they can't relate and its too much for them, ask your dr for a therapist. Here in Canada you can get into places that you pay based on income so it won't cost you much (if anything). Maybe they will have the right things to say that will help you make sense of it all.

Good luck.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
How of many of you experinced/did it?
Posted: 3/12/2009 8:10:46 PM
Ahhh yes, the half a$$ed love technique. You do all the niceties that lead them to think you are interested but then confuse them by never going the extra mile...or some do but know they will stop when something better comes along. The truth is you ARE using them (to past time) and you are lying to them (by omission) if you realize they weren't ltr material and don't tell them when you know that's what they want. It's very selfish. Be honest and then the other person can make an informed decision of if they wish to settle for something short term or not. Then they too can keep their eyes open for the right one as well...but you may risk having them walk away first and not you right? If you enjoyed spending time together but saw no future, the option of just being friends is there so the other person is free to look for what they desire. That's showing respect for them.

I've experienced it (meaning had it done to me) and it sucks. You feel used, lied to and in the end you question your own judgement because you try to analyze it all to see how you missed the signs. You question your own worth and wonder why someone would think that poorly of you that they would lead you to believe in a future when it was really never a possibility. You keep wondering "why was I not good enough". If it doesn't work out in the beginning, and you are honest about it, you can accept that you weren't a match and respect the person for being honest with you...but to lead someone on (thus you are playing a game) is much more hurtful.

I have a friend who is doing this right now and it drives me nuts. Bottom line is he just doesn't want to be alone, having her there gives him a sense of security and confidence and he lies to himself by thinking he's not hurting her. She senses it though - he won't say he loves her, won't make future plans, doesn't say sweet things to her...he treats her like a friend, wants to hang out, but then again he also wants the "benefits" too. I feel so bad for her because she's wasting her time and doesn't know it for sure. I could never do that to someone...once I know they aren't the one, and never will be, then the relationship part is taken out and only friendship is offered.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
lack of experience
Posted: 2/5/2009 3:47:09 PM
Really I don't think you'll need to...but you may find someone who's open and communicative and it feels ok to say so with them before you even get to that point. That would be the ideal situation. But I wouldn't just blurt it out before you're about to do it...some may take advantage of that or it might be a mood changer for others. I personally don't want to know that about a guy I'm about to be with, it puts too much pressure on me to be the "expert" instead of letting it unfold naturally.

Usually guys do take a lead though so you can go with the flow a bit and then find your groove within their game. If you need to take the lead then ask them what they like - you know each man is different and you want to make him happy so some input would be appreciated. Hopefully they will help you out...but know your limits because again some may take advantage of that one too. If it's really not working for some reason then I would think about saying it then so they understand why and hopefully will help you out. Just give it a go and see how you do first. The reality is that sex isn't great with everyone even if you do have "experience" and think you know all the right moves.

Good luck:)
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 87 (view)
 
If your date was bad in bed the first time would you not see them again?
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:52:53 PM
I deal with this on a case by case basis...if I have doubts already then no I wouldn't. If they are a great person in other ways I would try to find a groove and would be open about what I want and expect...if they still don't deliver they are showing they are selfish - THEN they'll get the boot. I don't always know how to give my guy mind blowing sex so I expect every guy will know how to do it for me. The key is if they are willing and care enough to want learn how to please me they will get further consideration.

That being said it's so much better (and seems like a sign that it was meant to be) when it's just there for both of you
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 67 (view)
 
How long can you date without being exclusive?
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:41:20 PM
I like many other posters don't date for the sake of dating. I'm looking for something long term and so I chat for a while and basically if I get to the point of meeting I'm interested in being exclusive from there if we both are into each other - into each other would mean we expressed it through something physical (kissing, etc). How can you really give something an honest effort if you are entertaining a bunch of others? I prefer to focus on one and give it my all and then move on if it's not right. If it's meant to be then he'll be there after I realize the other one wasn't right and there's less risk of someone getting hurt in the mix. It's not an issue of being insecure as much as it's about respect, trust and loyalty. I give that and I expect it and it's built and demonstrated while dating. If you are morally ok with messing around while in that stage then who's to say you aren't later on? If you are physical with them all do you tell them all that? I can't see that you wait to get physical until you get a ring...and I can't see someone giving a ring before getting physical so it must happen. If so, how does that build trust and show the person you care or that they are important to you? If you don't, then isn't that lying by omission? Exclusivity and faithfulness are sorta the same in my book when it comes to dating...so to get a ring (or accept the proposal) the expectation is that you both are faithful thus far in the relationship and will be so once married. I don't want to build a life and have children with someone who will flitter off whenever they think they found someone better. If all you are waiting for is the ring will you just go with the first guy to pop the question? I just don't get your way of thinking but to each their own.

Also the Beyonce song is about being with someone for 3 yrs, breaking up (this is in the opening verse) and then the other person getting jealous and wanting her back once he sees someone else being interested in her. Thus he had a chance to put a ring on it because she loved him and wanted him to love and respect her but he choose to not to treat her that way so he's been acting as if the grass is greener on the other side. In the end he lost out. So the real message is if you want to play the field you may lose a good thing.

I'm very open about this before meeting now because I have learned that not everyone is that way and it's best not to date those without that same outlook on it. It's led to both of us thinking the other will give a bit and come to the other side and in the end I get hurt because they never planned to give me what I want and I invest more of me in it then they had. If you find someone with the same expectations, and know this before meeting, then it doesn't have to be said once in the dating stage which is wonderful.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
whats in the past is just that???
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:09:42 PM
I don't think anyone will argue that no doubt, no means no. However that has been applied to women when it comes to sex, not conversations. To some, avoiding a topic can seem like they are hiding something and that can cause issues at the point you are building trust. I agree with the "best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour" so if it didn't paint you in a good light she may just be trying to see if there's a red flag there. She could also just be interested why you did it...general curiosity, nothing more. So in the future you have to find a way to mention it and segway into something else without looking like you are avoiding it or perhaps move into how you believed it was the right choice at the time or how you have changed. It shows you have no issues talking about your past and you learned from it. If it's still what you would have done then stand behind it. If she doesn't like it then that's her problem. Nothing more to talk about.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Having sex when there is no emotional connection-
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:58:58 PM
Why do I feel like I'm always the only one standing up for the women who DO get stronger feelings after sex?


I'm with you on that one Alexis. These days I can't do it without getting my heart involved but then again I only do it now with those I want/have a relationship with. Sex without an emotional connection wasn't enjoyable for me. The lack of connection also meant lack of care for me and my needs...left me feeling empty, used, etc. Perhaps if I had more giving partners I wouldn't feel the same.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Ever asked your partner to keep it down ?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:41:54 PM
I've never asked my partner to keep it down but I have asked for them to turn it up...it's a HUGE turn on and who doesn't like positive feedback....but I admit I've been asked (yep those residence walls are thin - so are camping tents!!). Yes it is "controllable" but when you are in a room you sorta tune out the outside world and don't pay attention to that stuff...you're a little lost in the moment. I think that varies depending on if it is YOUR neighbours or not too. Also it seems to have to be re-directed into something else...the embrace is tighter, the kissing is harder...also focusing on working the kegels helps for me. It gives me something to focus on so the primal side calms down and it works best when holding in air...thus nothing coming out to make noise with.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Should a guy be up front about his desires to be a cuckold or wait till later to confess it?
Posted: 1/23/2009 9:24:51 PM
Wow, I agree this is not the same old post...and way to revive it after all this time!!

Personally I'm not interested in it at all, I'm a one man woman, but to each their own. I think you should mention it in your profile outright...using the term and perhaps offering a link to a site that gives the definition you are meaning (wiki gives more then one definition so they might think you mean the current one, not the traditional one). Then there's no worrying about it as the relationship develops. I'm thinking people will wither be for it or against it so if it's a deal breaker kinda thing for you then make that known asap.

Since you started the post in 2007 what kind of responses have you had? You're still here so I take it you haven't found your one true cuckold lover.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Trusting again & dealing with your own bad behaviour
Posted: 1/23/2009 6:14:26 PM
I agree with the others who have said not to beat yourself up too much over this. I would have done the same thing...heck I have, lol. I'm all about communication, good or bad...however some don't deal with it like you hope they will. It's a risk we take. Being able to find information about people online can be a blessing and a curse. Also it's so hard to trust people in general but even harder if we've been hurt before. Who knows, if you had ignored the information you could be writing this post in the months to come about how you saw the signs of trouble but decided to trust and then found yourself played and hurt by him anyway. Then everyone would tell you that you were a fool. It does sound like a bit of a mess and messes are just that, messy...but I also know what it's like when your heart is involved.

The fact remains that he did lie...at least by omission. Perhaps he was waiting to tell you face to face but your email should have started that conversation at least. You deserved a fulsome response and if he couldn't do that just then he should have said it was coming. That was not a time to stop talking. It was an opportunity for him to be totally open and honest (like u were) and correct you if you were wrong. To earn your trust since he had in fact lied about some things. It's a bit of a red flag that he didn't even acknowledge your points or try to defend/explain himself. If he isn't willing to do that then he's showing how he would deal with conflict in the future...again not a good sign if you want an open, communicative partner. After 6 mths he should know you aren't psycho...those who claim someone is "crazy" based on one action is doing it to discount or avoid what you are saying as to not deal with it.

I think if you do care, and still want to be part of the mess he's in, you should email him. Keep it short and to the point - it sounds like he's not a big emotional novel reader (although I'm sure he's enjoyed long emails before from you...just not such deep ones). But know if he turns out to be a turd in the end that you brought it on yourself. If you just want to learn from it...next time just ask about what you've found before writing the next war and peace (which I know is hard - we sometimes think it might be the last communication so we pack everything in and next thing you know you've got "too much information" as they say). And try to get to the place where you can trust...which is really where you can trust yourself to deal with whatever is thrown at you. Not sure how to get there...and it would be easier if someone would just be a trustful person to restore our faith and show us what that really looks like...but in the meantime keep trying.



 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
giving up on finding love
Posted: 1/23/2009 4:26:56 PM
Oh ya, been there, done that, got the teeshirt...have now given it to good will...a few times as somehow I keep going in and buying it back, lol. I've been through lots of roller coasters in life but love has been the one thing that just knocks me to my knees and makes me become familiar with the grout between my bathroom tiles. I've always been a huge giver in relationships and have accepted less then I deserve because my heart has been attracted to someone. I've now defined what a great relationship is to me using my head and what actions I want/need from my partner and I'm not standing by anymore waiting to see if it happens. I know the signs of a one sider and I ask quicker for what I want...if it is not given I'm out. I'm still getting my heart broken, making lots of mistakes and fumbling to find my groove (one step forward and three back sometimes) but I'm wasting less time, bouncing back quicker and recognizing the bad ones before I get in too deep. Know what you want and don't settle for less. It's not an easy road for some of us but you will find a good one someday. Just cry and let yourself heal and then get back in the game. Good luck
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
closure-does she owe it to me
Posted: 1/23/2009 4:09:25 PM

luv2lol...you're not the only one who thinks people are owed an explanation. I posted that if you read above. We're on the same page, literally and figuratively!


lol, sorry that post (and others) weren't there when I read the thread first. From the time I started the response to when I actually posted it was a few hours...that's what I get for POF'n during work hours, you always get distracted!!
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
How do you break up with someone without hurting them?
Posted: 1/22/2009 5:38:24 PM
Yep, honesty is the best approach (and try to answer all his questions if you can so he can't say he doesn't understand) and stick by your decision or it will never end. If you know someone on his end, like a friend or family member, that can be there for him then you may want to bring them into the mix to be there right away and help him find some professional help. You can't avoid hurting him, you can't control how drama filled he'll make it (you can only control your actions, not his) but being in a relationship like that is not good for you and if it continues then it may end up like the ones on the news where he takes your life and then his in the end. This is how they start. Good luck and be safe.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 5:27:52 PM
Yep, this has happened to me a lot too. I don't worry that I won't find anything that good again or that I'm not doing the right thing if I am honest with them that there is no chemistry...they deserve the honesty and truth and I deserve a whole package. I get disappointed though that the search for my one is not over yet and I have to go through it all again...the process sucks but the hope is that the reward makes it all worth it in the end.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Contacting old dates...
Posted: 1/22/2009 5:12:10 PM
That would give the impression you realized you were not looking for different things and have changed your mind. If she has been clear about what she wants, which is you as a bf and wants you to feel the same for her if you are going to be around her, and you aren't on board with that, don't email her because you are leading her on. If she liked you so much she needed to break it off because you weren't in the same place then she can't just be friends. She falls fast and hard and contacting her will keep her interested and hopeful you are coming around. People don't usually start relationships over, they pick up where they left off (unless perhaps she was now with someone else she cared about more then you but if she's still on here then she hasn't). Don't do that to her if you have not in fact changed your mind. It may feed your ego but it is hurtful to her and don't forget that you have the ability to write on the slate of her life and change who she is...good or bad. We become bitter, angry and put up walls when people play with our feelings to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Find someone else to chit chat with unless you are where she wants/needs you to be.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Contacting old dates...
Posted: 1/21/2009 10:45:20 PM
I'd be like WTF. If you were looking for different things then why are you emailing me now? I'd assume they became interested in someone else and now that hasn't worked out so they have come back to me. I'm not interested in being second choice or being strung along.

I've had it happen to me but it was more that we met and there was no spark but we never ended on a bad note. If I was had been intimate with someone then that's a different story. If I do that, it means I'm very interested in them and hoped they wouldn't go there with me if they weren't feeling the same. I tend to talk with people a lot before I meet them and I'm pretty open about what I'm looking for so if someone gave me the "I'm looking for different things" soon after we were intimate then I'd be hurt and angry (depending on how they did it though, not all situations would be the same I'm sure) - but they should have been able to determine that before it went there. Thus I would probably feel that I was used and played. Even if we did end on a good note, that feeling would make me go WTF if he contacted me casually again like we were old friends. I'd figure he was trying to play me again.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Could you live with clone of yourself?
Posted: 1/21/2009 9:52:45 PM
Yes I can honestly say I could. I actually want someone as caring, giving, loyal, communicative, fun, full of gumption and as hard working as me. I want my equal.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
closure-does she owe it to me
Posted: 1/19/2009 2:16:40 PM
I think I'm the only person who believes you are owed an explanation. I think everyone who wants an explanation should get one. People get closure in various ways but I, like you, want to know why from the other persons lips so I can make sense of it...plus you can see body language which speaks volumns beyond the words....then once I feel I understand it, I can accept it. Our brains are built to anticipate the future and fill in where there are gaps..thus for those of us who are a little over analytical we go crazy with the gaps and possible reasons for them.

So I'll go against the grain and say ask for closure...you never know if it's possible unless you ask. Now odds are she won't give it to you...the cowards who pull this crap don't usually like confrontation, that's why they disappear like they do...but at least you tried and then you can take the next step to find closure. Especially since she's sending Merry Xmas texts after she says move on and then disappears again. What is that? If she wanted you to move on she wouldn't have contacted you again on Xmas.
This has not been a quick fling either...it's been years. Unless you were a danger to her or she's said some things in the past that explain everything but you are choosing to ignore/omit them, she could at least give you that respect if that's what you need.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 241 (view)
 
Sex when the woman is having her period.
Posted: 1/19/2009 1:38:48 PM
A true knight doesn't mind getting blood on his sword!!!

I wouldn't say I like it as much as when I don't have aunt flow visiting since you aren't able to just do what you want, where you want but it's pretty darn good thanks to the hormone infusion. There's no love making during that time...just some hot crazy monkey sex scratches that itch, lol.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 240 (view)
 
Sex when the woman is having her period.
Posted: 1/19/2009 1:28:20 PM
I like intercourse during her period but cannot bring myself to perform oral.


No no sir - you can ride the red river, but you must never drink from it!!
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
The Kisssin Game.
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:07:46 AM
First off, I agree with the other ladies that I don't know about the men loving kissing more then the women...I need to see a long term study to back that up...even then I don't think I would believe it.

As for how often - min of 2 times (greeting and goodbye) and wherever you can fit it in between. Those moments when your eyes lock and you just need a little taste of them, when words just won't express what you mean...mmmm. Also I like to give my partner a kiss when I say thank you for something so when they are being nice and saying nice things they get rewarded A LOT!! A little positive reinforcement goes a long way, lol.

The only time I like to sensor the kisses are around PDAs...you have to take the degree of intensity and length into consideration when in the presence of others.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Would you call this a scammer?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:54:21 AM
He may not be a scammer (and I think of a scammer as someone who's going to try and take your money or something) but he's looking to mess with people and hide behind the profile. I met a guy who it turned out spent his life online in POF with various profiles...he would steal them from the "Beautiful People" website and pretend to be both sexes. He thought it was entertaining...I thought it was sick. I'm sure many of the posts in this forum about people disappearing are a result of these people. Report him. He'll probably come back with another profile but don't make this fun or easy for him.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
SAYING NO
Posted: 1/18/2009 5:52:19 PM
I made this mistake about a month ago and I'm still so mad at myself for it. I knew better, I tried to avoid it but in the moment I couldn't resist. My heart won instead of my head. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I'm usually a very strong person so I'm hard on myself when I lose control. I'll forgive myself someday...I'm really looking forward to that day:)
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Do large women like large men?
Posted: 1/18/2009 1:21:07 PM
I do usually like my men to have some meat on their bones because I like to have something to cuddle up to...but I've found what turns me on the most is height, I really like guys that are taller then me. Like 6' plus (I'm 5'8")...they feel bigger then me even if weight wise they aren't and they have nice long arms to wrap around me...also there's something about having to stand on my tippy toes to kiss them that TOTALLY turns me on, hehe.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
My Friend Is Cheating On Her Husband
Posted: 1/18/2009 12:36:46 PM
OMG, this same sorta thing is happening to me and it's KILLING me. The difference is I know for sure because she's told me it's happening (however has been lying to me for months about it) and that the husband doesn't know but suspects something is up - he's asked her and she's denied it. So I am left knowing the truth first hand and being asked to keep the lie a secret. I don't lie, I live a honest life and my friends know I'm a pretty straight shooter in every sense...but they also know I'm very loyal so it's safe to confide in me. Usually its personal stuff I have to keep to myself and others aren't being hurt but this one is hurting (or has the potential to hurt) so many people. It goes against everything I believe in and my heart is bleeding for him (he too is a good man). So do I choose to hurt my friend and betray her because what she's doing is wrong or do I lie for her and protect her because I love her? For now I've choosen to not say anything. Why, because it's her job to tell him. I won't make it easy for her, I also won't be there to support her in the deception in the meantime and I told her to not tell me anymore. In fact I haven't spoken to her in almost a week. I will be telling her soon that I will be there if she chooses to do the right thing but until then I can't be part of it. I would have done so if she had dealt with this better but she hasn't and her choices currently are no different. She's made this choice to be dishonest and lie and cheat on her husband and therefore she has to be the one to decide what to do and if she wants to leave him she has to see his face when it comes to light. See the pain, the hurt and the sadness she's caused him. She has to see the consequences of her actions in order to learn from them.

In your case I think you should say nothing because she didn't tell you first hand, nor have you seen it with your own eyes...and if he's been told and hasn't left, then they are working it out their own way - if they want your input they will ask. It sounds like she has someone to talk to (the other friend) and hopefully he's got someone too. You could however ask him how he's doing the next time you see him and if he seems out of sorts mention that...he may open up to you. Otherwise mind your business and be ready if they ask for your help. Just because you want to do something doesn't mean you should.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Could you be in a relationship with a long haul truck driver?
Posted: 1/15/2009 12:59:02 PM
My Dad was a long haul cross country trucker so my answer would be no if you weren't going to leave your current job for sure...but maybe yes if there was an end in sight. It sounds like you enjoy the long haul (so does my Dad) and aren't sure if you want to leave it but you should figure that out before starting something. The life of a long haul trucker's wife is not an easy one and she needs to know what she's getting into.

Since Dad was gone so much Mom was basically was a single parent. She had to take care of and do EVERYTHING alone (family/work functions, parenting, god/bad days, school events, household stuff like mowing the lawn and blowing the snow - and we live in the country with a bit of land and a fairly long laneway!!!). My Mom is the strongest woman I know and I respect her so much for living the life she did but I do not wish that for myself.

Also I wouldn't be with a LH trucker if I wanted to or had kids. We never really knew my Dad since he was gone so much. I was actually scared as a kid to go on trips with him, not because he did anything bad to me, but I didn't know him. He was the man who came home every 3-4 weeks for a few days (and slept most of that time) and then he left again. So if you add it up we maybe saw him 36-48 days out of 365. I think I went on one trip when I was 5 and not again until I was 11 or 12. That's it. We never established a relationship...to this day it's not a close one and it's taken years to get where we are. He did the best he could but there was no quality of family life. Now this was a time before log books, max's on driving hrs per day and cellphones which make the life better now.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
will she come back
Posted: 1/15/2009 8:41:53 AM
I don't get why you are confused...she put up the walls like you had after your marriage broke up. It's a self defense mechanism...like if you beat a dog, it will cower away from you even if you are going to be nice to it. It takes time for it to trust again and will only do so if your actions are kind and consistent.

Basically you hurt her like your wife hurt you. Would you not have a hard time deciding to take her back if she came and asked you to? I think she will come around...her heart and head are battling it out right now but the fact that she's still talking about you which means she's not over you so you have a chance if you really love her.

But she's told you what she wants...for you to fight for her. Battles are not won in a short time, they take time and negotiation. She wants you to be her solider on the battle field of love. To SHOW her you care (which she did by being patient with you)...and to do so as many times (or more) then she did when she was patient with you. It took months to drive her away, it will take months to fix it. You have to be patient, caring and consistent in what you say and do. Send flowers, send kind emails, keep asking to see her and spend time with her so you can show her how you are committed to her. Get mutual friends (like the ones telling you she still loves you) to try and set up a meeting with her for you on the dl. Make it a special meeting with gifts, things you know she likes and plan out something wonderful to say (it's not a time to wing it). Make it a movie like moment, we love those. Tell her how you feel in the emails and if you are getting to a point that you think you should give up say that to her to...she may just be trying to push you to your breaking point like you did to her.

Again, I think she will come around...and if you love her and she's so wonderful, she's worth the fight. She thought you were worth waiting for. More often then not the heart wins once the head can start seeing the good again. If not, you know you gave it all you had but it wasn’t meant to be. No regrets.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Whats the #1 reason that you bother dating at all?
Posted: 1/14/2009 1:51:32 PM

Cuz sometimes the batteries go dead lol


ROFLMAO...ain't that the truth
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 118 (view)
 
If you had the perfect partner how often would you want sex?
Posted: 1/14/2009 12:30:50 PM
As much as possible of course but to quantify it...2-3 times a day during the week and more on weekends/holidays.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 72 (view)
 
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 11:47:58 AM
I don't have time to read 4 pages of posts but like no one has heard of FWB where there are some ground rules...sheesh. You agree to the usual...sex, no commitment/emotions/relationship...but you establish rules to keep one another safe and out of trouble. Thus he "cheated" by breaking the rule. The rules usually are that:

- if you sleep with someone else you have to tell the person
- if you start a FWB relationship with someone else you have to disclose it
-each partner has the right to ask questions and you must be honest when answering(e.g. did you use a condom with that person?)
(somehow these give the participants the illusion they know what their current risk of getting STDs are and it also allows them to choose to walk away if the other participates in something that is too high risk for the other)
- if you start a real relationship with someone else the deal if off (no one wants to be the "other woman/man")

It works out well for those who like monogamy in general...only downside is if one lies or one develops feelings for the other. It sounds like both may have happened here.

As for the situation...I agree he was a moron to have you house sit knowing this woman was sending postcards. He should have just told you so it wouldn't surprise you. No big deal if she means nothing right...but then why was he keeping the other postcards??? If she didn't mean anything then why not get rid of them? Regardless, I probably would have read it too because most don't put private things on postcards so what would be the harm...I bet every postal worker that handled it read the darn thing. It just happened to mean something to you. He has a right to feel violated but come on, he recently lied to you about sleeping with someone else when he said he wouldn't/or would tell you (which can in fact harm, if not kill, you should it be done with the wrong person in the wrong way)...so he's no pillar of honesty. I will say you lost me when you burned it...no no...not a good choice. Never distroy the evidence...especially if it's a federal crime...it makes you look worse then him.
Leave it there on the top of the pile, picture side down, writing side face up so he sees it...and then see how he reacts. It will speak volumns about him.

Bottom line is this guy is a liar and can't be in a FWB situation where you have rules so either go back to being F's or walk away completely. Easier said then done I know...
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Why do people like to play games?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:22:29 PM
Hate the player as they define the game...or lack there of.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Why do people like to play games?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:13:28 PM
Ahhh. Ya she sounds immature...and that she might be wanting to keep you on the sidelines. Dumping by text is a sign of a coward unless you somehow weren't making time to talk to her or something. Then she had no other choice.

I've learned one way to make an immature person go away...be straight forward and ask them why they are doing what they are doing (confront her). Usually they will chicken out and go away...poof gone. If you play into the immature games they will keep them up. If by chance they don't and they try to ignore the question and talk to you again...ask again. Either get an answer or make her go away...you'll feel better either way. For some more entertainment try it when you are on the phone...it's harder to say the phone line went dead then they lost their internet connection. lol

Do you think you could do that? And why haven't you asked her already?
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Why do people like to play games?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:41:28 PM
Only she can really answer this question so you might want to ask her...also I don't know how long ago she broke up with you, why she did, or how your relationship is now (e.g. just friends or she's asking for you back - how is it that she's not letting go?) but it could be a few things...

- she may be playing games as a way of testing you to see how much you care or if you will change something for her. Especially if she had complained about you perhaps not behaving in some way that she believes a boyfriend should behave (paying more attention to her, really listening to her, etc). So she still likes you, her heart is still with you but logically her head is saying you aren't meeting the "standard" and she should end it...thus the head won out that day at work but she's having a hard time walking away due to her heart. Being emotional creatures we can change how we feel on an hourly basis, lol
- she could be trying to keep you as the back up guy...so she can go check things out, perhaps even a certain someone, but she's keeping you close so if she wants to come back she thinks she can.
-she might just want to be friends

Just ask her though instead of driving yourself nuts. Hopefully she will be open enough to just let you know.
 
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