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 Author Thread: What am I doing wrong/why the nonsense?
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 33 (view)
 
What am I doing wrong/why the nonsense?
Posted: 6/19/2014 7:02:08 AM
^^^^ +1

Belle...you crack me up..:)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 75 (view)
 
So this is going to be difficult and awkward...
Posted: 5/29/2014 6:45:46 AM
If Im not signed up on the forums, then go to the dating portion of the site and do a search by user name her comes up clear as day.

Might be a glitch in the profile sharing between sites....but I can see his entire profile.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 73 (view)
 
So this is going to be difficult and awkward...
Posted: 5/29/2014 6:03:11 AM
True ^^^^ If you search your name from the site....It comes up as active.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Huge....Assets....
Posted: 5/28/2014 11:25:51 AM

But, his feet? maybe.....as you know what they say about a man who has big feet?


I am thinking they would say "Wow...I bet your shoes are big too."?
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 392 (view)
 
Beards??? What is going on?
Posted: 5/28/2014 10:39:16 AM

Does the carpet match the drapes?


I had the whole house done in "shag"....
 LOnescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 177 (view)
 
Is It Rape If She Consents and Changes Her Mind During the Act?
Posted: 5/27/2014 9:17:48 AM
"No" means No. Stop.Right now.
"Stop" means Stop it. Right now!
"You're hurting me" means Stop. Right now!

It's not rocket science guys.
Its respect and common decency.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Support wanted - my story
Posted: 5/27/2014 9:11:37 AM
Well...I cant disagree with anything said here. It's pretty much all good, rational advice.

You need some healing time and DEFINITELY no contact.
You are giving too much of yourself away. Even though you minimize it, when stalking is mentioned it means you are way over the line.

Healing time is good. The danger points are late in the evening. I highly reccomend an addictive TV series or getting something to distract yourself with. I can actually attribute several NON-SENT emails to my ex-wife to Fallout-3.
Silly? A little.
Needed? Yes.

You can only read so much self-help stuff before you get burned out.
Go out with friends.
Take a road trip to see the parents.
Catch up on all the movies you missed in school.

But above all...STOP contacting her.
Do not stalk.
Do not obsesse.
Do not ruminate.

IF you must think about her, then try to take a step back and look at how the relationship unfolded.
Notice the things you missed.
They are there...I can assure you of that.
When you do notice them, dont "blame". Just say to yourself "Ah. I see that. I must try not to do that again when I am in my next relationship."

Learn from this and grow...If you dont get something out of this...then you are in pain for nothing.

Good luck.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Is there any hope ... Can anyone help?
Posted: 5/27/2014 8:58:05 AM
If the conversation is as straightforward as it reads....sounds like you may have misread her reactions.
Best that two meet so you can get the messaging out of the way.

NOTHING is real until you meet.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 41 (view)
 
So this is going to be difficult and awkward...
Posted: 5/23/2014 6:43:28 AM
OP,
Obviously there is much more information that would be needed to properly say what’s going on, but I will weigh in with what you have given. This could very well be postpartum depression, but you have another factor that is preventing her from getting out of the loop.
She has an agreement with herself that she “will never be like her sister”. You can distill it down to “I will never be weak.” This agreement is currently overriding her need to be helped, thus she appears to be stuck. I think she actually DOES want to get out of this rut, but the agreement is stopping her from doing so. Attempts to get her to exercise and be “more sexy” will only make the problem worse at this point because they will highlight the idea that she knows she wants to be happier, but cant. This will then cause more internal stress.
The agreement may also be coupled with intellectual pride, which will make it even worse.

Until the agreement is breeched or it subsides, she will remain “stuck” to everyone looking at her.
Inside, there is a big fight going on.

Her not wanting to see a professional is more of the agreement working against her. In the past, this agreement may have helped her define herself and her strength and independence.
Now it is working against her by not allowing her the freedom to seek the help a portion of her knows she needs. This will create a very helpless feeling in her.

Her knowing side will conflict with her agreement and she will eventually start to experience self-loathing because she cannot come to terms. Part of her knows she needs a little help, but the agreement keeps jumping on it whenever she thinks about it. Most likely in her mind she has a dialogue that keeps saying “You should be strong enough to figure this out. Only a weakling needs help for things like this. If you take meds, you won’t be any better than your sister…etc.”
I’m thinking that the infections and prolonged recovery was where it started.

This is a VERY difficult place to get out of because the agreement that previously kept her viable is now working against her.
She trusts that agreement.

Now the most probable way out of this is to present her with a person who can help her let go of that agreement and also present a strong enough figure to trust.
This is most likely going to be her doctor.

If she is open to it you should tag along next time she goes to speak your experience and concerns. If it can be arranged, you may be able to speak with them beforehand, but I would try to go with her. This will be tough for her because it will highlight the idea that she cannot solve this herself and I would expect some anger around the event.
You can also expect rough patches as the agreement tries to reassert itself.

That’s just my take on things…with very little to go on. 

Hope it works out.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 50 (view)
 
World in my Eyes
Posted: 5/22/2014 12:49:28 PM

Ah ha, not so fast, my young friend. Make that 99.99% and I will agree with you. But 100% of men, not true. I offer as a counterpoint John Holmes.



Ah...using the old "Bring a sword to a knife fight" strategy!

Have at you!
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 102 (view)
 
Are Looks so important???
Posted: 5/22/2014 12:27:33 PM
"Looks " can be taken away in a few seconds.

Personality, the ability to make me laugh, and a zest for discovering things is very difficult to take away.
If find that as I get older, looks mean less and less to me....just as long as they have that certain glint in their eyes that says "I'm ready to misbehave if you are."
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Found my bf back on here...after a year :( help
Posted: 5/22/2014 12:12:18 PM

Okay. I am pulling a bucket of Pop Corn and between this threat and the married guy getting his wife pregnant and the other woman wanting to tell her, this is much better than Gerry Springer.


It has been a little Springeresque around here lately...beer to go with that corn?
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How to friend a good bed?
Posted: 5/22/2014 6:04:54 AM
My circle of friends has a saying "Good friends dont let friends do stupid things....alone."

We WILL point out the fallacy of the act, but we will support each other just the same. something like:
"Gosh Cris, your fresh off a lady and you want to go out and "prowl"? You really should give yourself some time. The only thing you are going to attract is crazy confused wounded chicks...that being said...What time should I pick you up?"

Granted this has only happened a few times but it usually ends up that they call it a night early after realizing it's a questionable way to deal with loss.
One guy DID buy a dog.

I was going to make a joke about the title but I see everyone has that covered, so I decided to sleep on it.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Found my bf back on here...after a year :( help
Posted: 5/21/2014 12:54:07 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/10/27/nyregion/fyi-573434.html


Bridge explained ....
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 254 (view)
 
Men 40+ and Childless
Posted: 5/21/2014 11:41:19 AM

I must have " selfish" tattooed somewhere LOL


I keep trying to tell you in between gasps for breath, but then you bring out the whipped cream and all hell breaks loose. :P
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 55 (view)
 
morals vs
Posted: 5/21/2014 11:36:39 AM

But really, I know that my vagina is just like a knife, so I guess he is right.


Hmmmm...nope...I just cant get that image out of my head. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Found my bf back on here...after a year :( help
Posted: 5/21/2014 11:27:58 AM
If anyone was looking to futz with this guy, it would be his buddies.
We use a similar system and we would do all kinds of nasty things to people who left their systems open.
I once got my supervisor to send an email to everyone saying he was going to buy us all pizza tomorrow.

Did I "hack" him? No

I just waited til he left his terminal unlocked and swooped his desk.

Have a rational and frank talk with him. Get it out on the table instead of coming onto a random group of people and awful-izing about it.
The truth probably wont be any worse than anything you have imagined.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 40 (view)
 
HELP!!! Husband cheats on pregnant wife?? HELP!!!
Posted: 5/21/2014 10:57:06 AM
My hat's off to this guy, he is a smooth operator.


I know! He even has her convinced that there was never any intention of leaving his wife!
Masterfully played, Sir!

I think the OP came here expecting everyone to get on the "Oh he's a **stard, destroy him!" bandwagon.

The fact is that the agreement of amarriage is between two people...none of whom are you.
You slithered your way into the equation and now you feel the only way to cast yourself in a better light is to destroy the marriage.
This isnt about you hating cheaters.
It's about you trying to avoid the realization that you have become the very thing you loath.
Worse...you are willing to trash lives to avoid that thought.

Just cut your losses. Tell him you cant do it anymore and cut him off.
You have no say in what he does, but you can at least restore honor to yourself by stopping any involvement you have in this trainwreck.

Karma will have it's way with him soon enough.
 LOnescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 24 (view)
 
HELP!!! Husband cheats on pregnant wife?? HELP!!!
Posted: 5/21/2014 8:01:50 AM
I dont know any man who would casually have a child with a woman who he is in the process of leaving. It makes no sense financially or in life decisions.

I think your buddy is having his cake and eating it too. What a great excuse not to leave her for you!
"Oh ...I cant ...she has my baby."

Now you are all pissed off because he said he was going to leave her for you, but he obviously is never going to.
Man/Woman up and accept the fact that you got played. Im not condoning his actions, but I will tell you that the best way to end a fling is to tell the girl that "you want to work it out and now that she is pregnant You realize how much you wanted a family."
That way he comes off all noble and you get denied. How can you destroy a man "who just wants to do the right thing."? He gets to F*ck you, then go back to his wife...with you actually protecting him because he "did the right thing in the end."

This story is sounding more and more Trollish by the moment.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Dating, it's nothing personal, it's a sign of the times?
Posted: 5/21/2014 7:20:36 AM

Growing in different directions can make sense but just saying that doesn't explain much, at what point would a good, stable, happy relationship turn sour?


Good, stable relationships rarely “suddenly” turn sour in my experience. It seems that every time I examine the history of a relationship, there are small stressors that one , the other, or both partners fail ( or refuse) to acknowledge.
I can really only give examples of my own marriage as all other points are observations.
We were pretty good for 11-12 years...maybe more. Model couple. Everyone thought we would go the distance.
We sort of traded roles. I am a much better nurturer than she is but she made a good bread winner so it all worked out.
I know that when my ex-wife’s father died, I unknowingly assumed the mantle of “the grand giver of approval”. What I didn’t see at the time was the sudden onset of there being no room for my needs in the equation. I attributed it to her going through a mourning process and let it slide, but it got worse instead of better. Worse still her mother also started looking on me like her husband, since hers had left earlier.
I didn’t realize it at the time and would eek another three years out of it, but I was phucked.
My own fault was that I had an agreement with myself that I would not have a marriage like my parents (divorced) and that I would try to make up for it with tolerance. I am also sensitive to the concept of “abandoning” my children.
So as you can see there were micro stressors there, they just didn’t have any labels.
A casual friend would never see them.
Hence the observation that “Rob and Kath are a great couple.”
They built over time.
They morphed into other things…but mostly they sat there, quietly eating at the relationship.
My ex decided to take up World of Warcraft…the famous relationship destroying game endorsed by over 14,000,000 people…mostly single.
Tensions arose between her mother and I due to my rebuilding her camp kitchen and never getting any thanks for it. Several thousand dollars, about 60 hours of personal time and all in the dead of winter and all I got was “How come my cabinets don’t have doors?”
I tapered off my visits to camp after that.
It was right about that time that the “WTF Just happened?” conversations started. I would say something and she would bust a tirade on me that make the Trojan wars seem like a hiccup. Many was the time where I was left standing in the hallway wondering what just happened while she drove angrily out the driveway.
Or she hustled the kids out the door saying angrily that she was going to visit her mother…I would later find out that she already had the conversation with me about going to camp…just in her own mind and filling in my responses.
As my therapist said “at that point, you didn’t have a chance”.


I made my decision to marry her based on how well her mother seemed to be adjusted. Little did I know that she was showing herself to me at her lifetime peak and that she was actually an alcoholic, man hating, infantilized woman with very little regard for men other than to be servants. I remember when her mother got married my ex said to me “Now that she is married I can finally get on with my own life.”
How I missed that red flag is TOTALLY beyond me.
I should have been wrapped in it because it was so big ?

Soooooo…
Between her work ( workaholic due to approval) her gaming (escapism) and me not providing the approval…she started to withdraw.
If I tried to say anything I was immediately met by the retort “You are not my father.”

And Yes, I am well aware of what I brought to the table. I allowed myself to slowly starve emotionally in the name of keeping my children in a nuclear family.
I withdrew some as well, grew resentful and allowed me to paint myself into a corner I simply couldn’t get out of without hurting my kids…something I would not do.
All the while our friends never noticed. They always noted how highly I spoke of my wife and how much I genuinely loved my children.
Oddly my friends from before the marriage DID notice.

It was all like hanging small buckets of water on an apple branch.
It was only a matter of time before the branch snapped.
She turned “quiet” in the end…and I thought we had weathered the storm. Sex went back to moderate levels, no fights and she seemed happy.
Turns out she was lying to me the whole time and was looking for houses and figuring out how to buy her equity out of the house.
I could have tolerated anything but deception

When the branch snaps, everyone turns to the sound and then the observations start.
Many are surprised because they can’t see most of the buckets, but they can’t deny the mess on the ground.

Sudden collapse would have to come from something catastrophic like the loss of a child.
If you can get clear enough once it’s over, the signs are nearly always there.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 113 (view)
 
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:53:32 PM
People are like planets...as they get older some settle into very stable orbits while others spin out of control and into the sun...:)

Good one Forums1
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Dating a guy into BDSM
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:52:18 PM
Use those words! :)

Communication is key.
A carefully considered conversation can be one of the most powerful things in the world.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 30 (view)
 
morals vs
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:47:04 PM
I agree it would have been nice to call her and say he was okay, but his phone DIED.
Possibly in his back pocket without knowing it.( Guilty as charged here!)

Personally. I would have borrowed a mates phone to call IF I actually understood it was dead.
But I go for days sometimes without phone contact. I am also scrupulously honest with the people I deal with.


Stick to your truth and be gentle but firm. Maybe something like "Darling, I'm sorry I wasnt available for you. I know its a sore spot with you so I will try to be better about it. "

Sometimes, when someone has strayed, it colors you for a while.
She will come around.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Too much baggage to start a new relationship ??
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:36:23 PM
Perhaps he suffocated under the weight of his baggage?
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Should I keep trying?
Posted: 5/20/2014 12:35:44 PM
Lay it to rest and move on, OP.

He made his call. He simply doesnt want to be with children again.
Sounds like he wasn't 'quite' a great match for you.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 18 (view)
 
morals vs
Posted: 5/20/2014 10:42:12 AM

Mobile phone dies so she believes that you went out on the lash when infact you weren't and you were actually at the snooker place with a friend to get advice.


Translation:

She thought I was out on a bar crawl (binge drinking session with close mates)
when he was actually at the pool hall BS'ing with the guys and shooting stick.
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 14 (view)
 
morals vs
Posted: 5/20/2014 10:09:47 AM
^^^^ +1

She is either not secure enough in the relationship or she is naturally untrusting. Nothing to do for that but gently assure her and stick CALMLY to your side of things. She may or may not learn to trust.


Every time a man has told me he doesnt believe that I have never cheated, I come to learn later on that he has a history of cheating -so be careful -when people accuse, sometimes it is a warning of thier own behaviours.


This is fascinating to me because I had not actually thought of it until you posted this...I have had the exact same experience with women. It was like they were wearing little flags that said "Hey! I'm gonna do this..."

Good one. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Will this work in the long run?
Posted: 5/16/2014 11:47:13 AM
All I can hear is the the "Captain Save-A-Hoe" theme song in my mind...
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Do you have a lot of white noise because you're single and how do you deal with it?
Posted: 5/16/2014 6:39:56 AM
I have run into both positive and negative "white noise".

The positive is usually the pep talk and the few probing questions about why you are divorced. Usually followed by a "I know a gal who is just your type." or a "Gosh I wish I knew someone who I could set you up with."
Fluff...Oh! and the classic "Things will get better." talk...hate that one.

The negative stuff is much more difficult to deal with.
Couples who are close, married, or somesuch usually seem to get skittish when a divorced person still maintains contact with them. I lost a lot of couple friends when she left me. I swear they think it's contagious and they all seem to feel that I am pro-divorce...which is exactly the opposite of what I espouse.
Doesnt matter if you were the one who left or not, there is an undercurrent of thinking thats screams " Wow. You couldnt keep your marriage together. Are you going to ruin mine too? What EXACTLY is the matter with you?"
There is a stigma to being a divorced person and the white noise I get from that is usually them attempting to sheild themselves from it. I think they just dont understand the depth of hurt a person can go through and certainly dont want to imagine it happening to them.
I often feel like its a case of the situation from Dr. Suess where they had star bellied sneeches and plain belly sneeches and everyone was trying to join the best camp.
In the end, ther was no "best" camp.
Just a bunch of really poor sneeches.

Wether it's being used as a blanket, or a shield, white noise can be irritating at times. :)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Keep or Throw Away Photos after Breaking Up???
Posted: 5/16/2014 6:05:08 AM

One factor I hadn't mentioned, we became engaged last Christmas Day. ( I didn't want a pity party) But that's one of the mitigating factors for being on the fence. That was a Christmas I'll never forget anyhow, and in some of those photos you can see her just beaming with happiness.


Oh boy...welcome to the "Boy I really screwed myself for that Holiday" club!
I asked my ex-wife to marry me on New Years Eve. Kinda makes things awkward when everyone around you is celebrating and you just feel like crawling into a hole and going to sleep until spring. :)

Back on topic....

Now is NOT the time for rash thinking and you may actually WANT those pictures in the future. Take everyone's advice and store them away. Not only is it good symbolism, but it's taking care of yourself and not cutting yourself off from good memories.

When she left me, I had a hell of a time with this decision. But my friends made some good points.
When she left she basically made me live out all the sins of every male who had ever dissappointed her and she basically erased any good memories I had of her. When I try to think of her now, I cant remember ANY tender moments where I actually truly felt loved. All I can see now is the screaming at me and the viscious things she said.
But I know there may be good memories contained in those pictures...and someday I will most likely revisit them to remember them for what they were.

Dont give into the temptation to burn all those bridges.
If you throw it all away, you are invalidating the love that YOU put into the equation.
Be kind to yourself and allow the opportunity to be there if you should need it.

I understand the dissapointment, but dont use it as a reason to harm yourself.
It's not worth it. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Why is it Difficult for an Introvert?
Posted: 5/15/2014 3:58:14 AM
http://www.tickld.com/x/how-to-deal-with-introverts-this-guy-nails-it


:)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Keep or Throw Away Photos after Breaking Up???
Posted: 5/14/2014 11:23:20 AM
^^^^ Yes....and when you can look at them and not be mad, sad or depressed...it's aclear sign that you are truly over them.

Then you can choose to remember some good stuff about them.

I have a box labelled "old life" in my closet. Thats where my marriage went and all the photo's that went with it.
Someday I may open it and be pleased.

Just not today. ;)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 14 (view)
 
HE WONT GET ON TOP... WHY???
Posted: 5/14/2014 10:47:45 AM
Ah...I had this happen to a friend.
He had broken his shoulder and the only way for them to get it on was with him lying down. It took a while and a few surgeries so he got used to it.

I think a good solid conversation is the way to go. He may be thinking all kinds of silly things that have no basis in truth. Only way to bring it into the light is to point a flashlight at it.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Dating, it's nothing personal, it's a sign of the times?
Posted: 5/14/2014 10:31:31 AM

Perhaps someone more versed in sociology than history can explain this for us, why economic hard times cause women to hold onto their panties more strongly?


It's a question of the perception of available resources. In nature, females tend to curb their reproductive cycles during times of perceived drought or famine. Because raising offspring would become counter productive to the continuance of the species.
Difficult times in the immediate past have formed an impression on our minds that we are in a percieved time of hardship, thus the urge to reproduce ( and the activities that lead up to that) diminishes to perceptable degree.

...or the amazing amount of tech and immediate gratification has caused us to see relationships as more of a throw away item.

Take your pick of these or the other 100 explanations out there...fact is there are less and less people taking it seriously.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 63 (view)
 
bisexual deal breaker
Posted: 5/9/2014 11:18:30 AM
Thank you no_1_bby

I have always liked the straightforward way you address topics like this. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 56 (view)
 
bisexual deal breaker
Posted: 5/8/2014 12:58:57 PM

Us bi folk are much more capable of having a loving relationship than straights.


Straight men can't be faithful.


Wow...and just the other thread you claimed you werent judgemental.
Sure sounds like judgment to me.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 18 (view)
 
World in my Eyes
Posted: 5/7/2014 10:09:17 AM
No Oral?

Sigh...
The absence of Venus's Kiss leads me to believe that your Jade Palace is not a place I need to dwell.

Good luck with that though! :)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 68 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 5/7/2014 7:57:22 AM
bama,
You are right in that some people do that. I was lucky (???!!) enought to have her leave me under the most cruel circumstances she could muster. I basically paid for all the sins of her father and mother.

So when I finally re-entered the dating world, I was just happy to have somebody who wasnt heaping all kinds of derision and hate on me. The first few months was more like being in a food store and trying to decide what I really liked best.

Each new contact was a delight to me, except for a few people who had some pretty blatant issues.

Finally it DID boil down to "what do I want? What do I NOT want?"
I was just coming to the answers on this when the Universe thrust Missy in my face.

She is not the drop dead model type, but she is clever and street smart and very resourceful, which makes her incredibly sexy to me. She is in many ways like a female version of myself. But where we really connect is that we have both survived some very dramatic and unusual circumstances and found out that we had to take care of ourselves at a very young age.

We connect on the level that we are survivors and we know what it is like to be the only one who still has their mind while all around are lost.
We connected first with our humor and playfullness as we have both never lost these. Later we would connect on a deeper level when we showed each other our scars. We "get" each other and understand when each other needs to be nurtured, supported, or simply loved. We appreciate each other because our previous circumstances should have broken us.
I often find myself second guessing this because it is so easy and has so little drama to it.
I had previously drawn some of my identiy from the suffering I went through and I think that may have been the reason I married my ex-wife. Lord knows she certainly had the propensity for showering me with pain.
Missy doesnt do that and treats me like she wants to be treated.
It is most refreshing to be treated with respect. :)

So thats our connection. Its based on a mutual trust that we will treat each other gently when those before did not. As we grow and discover more things about each other, we seem even more content and we validate each other...even though we know we dont need anybody's validation but our own.
She says that I have changed her definition of men and I can say I have never felt so easy and close to a lady like her.

I WILL say that there is still a spectre of the marriage that scares me. I have never been hurt so brutally and deliberately as my ex-wife did. To give a basic example, she was shopping for houses and day dreaming about what she would do if I died. After she announced she became so cruel I could tell that some of the things she was saying were meant for other people. Then, to top it all off, she couldnt move out for three months.
I will never forget the hurt she rendered onto me and the things she said.
I have often thought of writing a book...it was that bad.

That experience haunts me and DOES try to interferre with the connection.
The only thing I can do is admit that they are there( to remove an lenses I might use to color my perception), remind myself that Missy isnt her( to remove any transference around my ex that I might project onto Missy), and reconnect with her. The real her.

My thoughts on re-marriage and connecting from a personal standpoint...

Thats about as honest as I can get. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Awkward First Meet
Posted: 5/7/2014 7:14:35 AM
I find that there is usually a simple explanation for everything and most people are not the villians you can make them out to be in your own mind.

Consider this...maybe he wasnt oggling you at all.
Maybe he has a hearing problem ( like me) and finds resturants very difficult to get to know someone.
I know I would much rather meet in a quiet spot....THEN go to dinner.
He may have even picked out a speccial booth...

...but I guess we will never know because it's easier for people to fill in the blanks with their own insecurities.

I cant believe you just threw away 5 months just like that.
He dodged a bullet...no doubt.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 165 (view)
 
Adjusting to the Technology intrusion and the expectation of good manners?
Posted: 5/6/2014 10:15:44 AM
+1 ^^^^

I have yet to see any age corner the market on stupid.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Dating: Intimidated to ask white women out?
Posted: 5/6/2014 9:46:33 AM

but does it occur to you that you are insecure when it comes to Venezuelan women?


I wouldnt class this as insecure as much as simply making a decision based on observations he has had and determining the amount of energy he is willing to put into a relationship.

I have been with a few South Americans from that region.
From my experience, they are utterly exhausting. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 65 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 5/6/2014 8:00:09 AM
bamagrl68

Preparing for the unexpected is not something I can easily say will work. All I can do is be the best person I can be and hope that my choices have landed me a good one. So far, we seem to “argue quite well” in that our longest disagreement only lasted an hour before we both sought each other out for peace.
I am lucky in that we are both divorcees and have sat down and done the work we needed ( and still need to work on…) to be better people. Both of us credit our divorces as the stimulus needed to do the work.

Will it work out?
I have no idea. The idealistic part of me would like to think so. The romantic too. My practical side says that nobody ever REALLY knows when a volcano will blow or when the winds will suddenly shift…and the part of me that was hurt so badly in the divorce still has bad dreams about being vulnerable. Occasionally, it will try to drag me off, like a draft horse pulling a tree, but I find if I can get it to stop, the urgency subsides.

By the time you are in your 40’s…you are bound to have scars.
Sometimes they get in the way.

What I DO know is that we speak the same love languages, are both VERY good at surviving, and share a love of simply being with each other. I know it’s odd, but I’m just as happy eating a handful of chips with her as I am going out to dinner…and she feels the same way. It’s been a weird challenge to me because making people food is one of the ways I show love. We follow the Four Agreements as often as we can and we get along really well. Funny thing is that we followed these “sorta-kinda” before we read the books, we just never had it all laid out for us.

We try to just let each other be who they are.

In terms of connection, we each try to connect with the other person as they really are and respect that they have a right to be who they are and it’s not fair to expect them to change. I think in my marriage I was trying to connect to an idealized form and I know she was carrying a lot of father stuff. I wasn’t “quite” getting what I wanted ( good marriage )and she was spiraling farther off course with each new event.

With my GF the more I see of the real her, the more endearing she becomes and she says the same of me. She says that it really feels like I “get” her. She gets me too.
Oddly enough, it was the divorce that brought this into clarity for me.
Sometimes there is a terrible price to pay for wisdom.

But I can’t imagine ever going back to that former state of unknowing and I use this every day to connect with my girlfriend.
Once I remove my tendencies to project certain things…there she is.
Probably the best reason to learn what your tendencies toward projection are.
It gets easier every day.

Well....so much for brevity...;)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 49 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 5/2/2014 11:31:58 AM

What is your exit strategy if after a while, you feel things aren't working out and you don't see a future with her, but she isn't at that point yet and is still living in your house?


Well, there is always that risk...and we must face it like grown adults and work with it. I have been with her going on three years now, so we seem to be on the same page.

I could see myself being with her on a very long term basis and she feels the same way.

I guess its just the risk that we shall have to take.

Strange that you use the word "eviction"...I just gave thrity days notice to my downstairs tenant last night.
Thata wasnt even a love interest and it still is never easy.

:)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 203 (view)
 
Condoms or Not and why or why not.
Posted: 5/2/2014 7:59:14 AM
Very much so. Its like wearing a latex glove on your hands. You can still function, but it deadens a little bit...and it's restrictive.

But in terms of common sense...condoms until I know my partner and I are on strictly momogamous terms.

...then we take the saddles off...;)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 45 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 5/2/2014 7:56:11 AM
Dragonbits...

<div class="quote">If I talk about an exit strategy in a relationship, it would likely mean assets in my name only, a car in my name, no ties to a lease or mortgage. Some might mean other possible romantic relationships that one can 'fall back' on.

What do you mean by having an exit strategy?

It sounds like we are thinking along the same lines. What I mean by an exit strategy is that ( should things go wrong) that she is fully able to cleanly exit the relationship and be able to have all of the things that she worked for. So she still has a car and a house and a place to be. We are still in the planning stages and she wanted to sell her house and move in with me. We talked for a bit and I explained how I though this was a great way for her to potentially lose the equity in her house and that renting it ( college town!) would be a better option and it would allow her to keep building her stake in the house.
Once she saw what I was trying to do, she was all for it.

I am being respectful of her accomplishments and trying to make sure she still has them even if we split.
Yes, she knows she can leave anytime she wants.
Thats the whole point. if she needs to, she will have a place to land.

I am trying NOT to be the guy who expects her to sell off all of her stuff and become absorbed in my life.

Maybe exit strategy is the wrong phrase.
Its the way we describe it...usually in a joking manner.:)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 22 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 5/1/2014 5:56:26 AM
Igor, if you read my post a little closer you will see that I am not "providing" her an exit strategy.
I am simply insisting she have one. She does the same with me.

You, of all people, should realize that people paint themselves into corners all the time...mostly without realizing it.

Our agreement with each other goses both ways. True it sounds odd, but its another way in which we acknowledge mutual respect for each other.

Once again... a delightful game of telephone on the forums.
Feel free to over analyze everybody...this IS the Internet...;)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 15 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 4/30/2014 11:03:14 AM

That sounds like a good and rational plan. You provided her with an exit strategy.

It also sounds cold.


To some it may, but it allows me the peace of mind to know that she is with me because she wants to be and it allows her to never be weighed down by the idea that she "has to be here".

As to "cold"...once I fully explained the method to my madness and illustrated how it was ultimately a form of the highest respect for her...well it hasnt been cold at all since....not even a little bit.

I refused to bind her to me with anything other than our love.
I dont see how that is cold.

She says it's pretty damn hot. :)
 Lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 4 (view)
 
marriage and connecting
Posted: 4/29/2014 12:23:24 PM
I entered the dating scene a little too early with the intention of not getting serious with anyone…naturally the Universe presented me with a great one off the top.
I was in the mode of not really wanting to connect. Society had told me all along that I ( as a man) couldn’t not have any bad days and my ex-wife bought into that as well.
If I had a really bad day at work ( I counseled sex offenders at the time) then I was being too “sensitive”.
I didn’t honestly feel like there was a time when I could have an honest bad day.

Cap that off with being lied to for several months before she announced…and you get a male who is a little skittish at the idea of committing to an new vulnerability.
My now GF was sad at first because she thought I was saying no to a relationship. What I was actually doing was making sure she had a way out. Now she knows, but she also see that I still occasionally shy away from heavier commitments.
But…I am getting better.
When someone jokes about marriage…I can stay in the room.
2 years ago…I would have been found in the hills after a lengthy search. 

I call it being “face shy” and it’s a combination of what society keeps telling us how to act and our personal experiences with a broken primary relationship.
To be honest, I know a lot of guys my age that would just as soon play the field as take another chance at seeing their income and assets get chopped in half…or more.

Some plan to NEVER take the chance again because they know they will be financially ruined. Their experiences have taught them that people will take advantage of them and they don’t want to be vulnerable. As one friend so eloquently put it…”I finally have my life back together. I have a good car, good house, good job. Why the hell would I want to risk all that for a person who may just as easily turn around and divorce me because she sees it as a financial edge? Marriage isn’t worth the risk anymore. We have three Industrial generations of broken families behind us.”

While I’m not THAT jaded…I can certainly see his point.

Previous encounters with people have proven disastrous…why would the future be any different than the past? The divorce rate keeps climbing…people are marrying less…which means the divorce rates are rising even higher than thought.

My personal thought?
I insisted that mg GF always have a way to simply leave and that she would never be beholden to me in any way. That way each day she stays is because she wants to be with me…and I don’t infringe on any part of her as an individual.
That’s the best way I can figure it.
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
More than a hook up?
Posted: 4/29/2014 9:38:26 AM

The kiss on the top of your head - not good.


What is she is significantly shorter than he is? :)
 lonescottishboy
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 40 (view)
 
How long should a widow/widower wait after the death of their spouse before dating?
Posted: 4/29/2014 9:30:54 AM
I have seen it explained that when the person left, the hole they left was simply too large to manage by one's self.
It's been said that filling that hole quickly is a testament to how much the person meant to the other etc etc...

Either way, it's the ones who keep on living, who DONT follow their SO into the grave within three years.


Wait time? There really is no hard set rule that is 100% effective or even close. Each will do what they need to do to survive.
 
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