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 Author Thread: funny text messages
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 148 (view)
 
funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 12:30:05 PM
A couple out driving see a wounded skunk lying by the side of the road.the wife gets out and brings it back to the car."I'ts shivering what should i do?"." she asks."Put it between your legs and keep it warm" he replies.thw wife says "OK but its bloody stinking!" "Well hold the poor wee buggers nose" the husband says.

Woman goes to the doctor complaining of a bad discharge.the doctor asks her to drop her panties and after a good rummage in her p***y asks how she feels.she says it was very nice but the discharge is coming from her ear.

Paddy and Mick go to a sperm bank in London.the day was a total disaster though ; Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.

Doctors have just warned of a food that can cause pain and suffering years after it's been eaten....it's called wedding cake!!!!!!
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 147 (view)
 
funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 12:20:02 PM
A convict breaks into a house and ties up the couple who live there.he jumps on the woman,kisses her ear then runs to the bathroom.The man whispers to her "Satisfy him or he'll kill us.i saw the way he kissed you ;just be strong.i love you".The woman replies "He didn't kiss my ear,he whispered he's gay,horny and looking for vaseline.i told him it's in the bathroom ; let's see who's f***ing strong now!!".

Paddy was in the pub telling his mate about his first parachute jump when he joined the army.he said they were at 30.00 ft and 1 by 1 they started to jump.when it came to his turn he couldn't do it.then the big sergeant pulled out his 12 inch penis and said "Paddy if you don't jump i'll stick this up your a**e!!"Paddys mate asked if he jumped to which Paddy replied "Just a little when he first put it in".
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 146 (view)
 
funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 12:06:43 PM
A woman married and had 13 kids.Her husband died so she married again and had 7 more children and again her husband died.She married once more and had 5 more children then finally died.Standing at her coffin the priest prayed for her and said "Lord they're finally together!".One mourner asked her friend "Do you think he means her first,second or third husband?".to which the friend replies "I think he means her legs!!".

I'm buying a racehorse and calling it "My Face".Just imagine it on Ladies Day ; him running round the last bend and all the women screaming "Come on My F ace!!!"

Tax inspector asks a prostitute why she describes herself as a poultry farmer on her tax returns.she replies !I raised 5000 c**ks last year".
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 145 (view)
 
funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:53:02 AM
"Give it here!!!"."No it's mine!!"."Let me have it!!"."It's my turn!!"."You had it last!!"."F**k off!!"."Come on gimme it!!"."NO WAY!!"...........Siamese twins having a wank.

Ann and Joe were out for a walk when Annsaid " I need a p**s" and goes behind a bush.Joe hears her knickers come down and feeling a bit kinky puts his hand through between her legs and feels something hanging."Ann have you changed your sex?"he asked."No" she replies "I've changed my mind i'm having a poo".

Wee boy in a Celtic strip gets run over outside Parkhead."Do you want me to get you a priest???"asks a passer by.the boy replies "I'M f**king dying pal ; sex is the last thing on my mind!!!!"
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 143 (view)
 
funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:40:56 AM
3 irish guys having speech therapy.the woman therapist says"if yuo can say where you're from without stuttering i'll give you a blow job".Sean says "D,D,D,Dublin".Mick says "C,C,C,Cork".Paddy says "London" .she drops to her knees and starts sucking his c**k.as he cums he shouts "d,d,d,derry"
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Would you be prepared to die for your country
Posted: 7/27/2007 10:30:44 AM
the short answer is yes but i'm not one of the people who are there;my best friend is a serving soldier of twelve years.the time for recriminations is after our brave forces come home fit and well.this country isn't the country i grew up in either;the PC brigade and the minorities who don't want to assimilate,in fact want to destroy what's left of this once great country have seen to that but we must show the forces we stand steadfast with them!!as for the treacherous excuse for an MP(thieving from an injured iraqi child is totally ethical!!NOT!!)he should be glad be glad he never spewed his bile about enemy combatants being RIGHT to kill our brave forces in either of the last two world wars or he'd have been executed at dawn.personally i'd have pulled the trigger on the lying,thieving terrorist apologist myself.he forgets it was our brave forces fighting at the somme ,el alamein and countless other hellholes who gave this slug his right to say that!!
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Bush on the Constitution
Posted: 5/21/2007 4:05:31 AM
AS A SCOTSMAN ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN I FIND PRESIDENT BUSH A JOKE REALLY.FOR GOD 'S SAKE THE MAN CAN'T STRING TWO SENTENCES TOGETHER.THE TRICENTENNIAL GAFFE WHEN THE QUEEN VISITED A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO SHOW THE MAN IS A BRAINDEAD BUFFOON.GOD HELP YOU AMERICANS WHO VOTED HIM IN;THEY SAY YOU GET THE GOVERNMENT YOU DESERVE.SO NO MORE WHINING PLEASE!!
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 140 (view)
 
Why the number of single parents ??
Posted: 4/25/2007 5:49:35 PM
i think you're well shot of him and it's his loss .i can't imagine if i had a child and missing his/hers first tooth,word or steps!he must be a shallow,self obsessed numpty!!good on you girl.
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What type of guy do girls like the most?
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:57:09 PM
oh!!!COME ON!!!not all men are liars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!some of us still believe in honesty.i don't know about you but i was brought up to tell the TRUTH.i don't think that's too much to ask in return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Can you party hard like a 20yr old when you are over 30?
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:53:11 PM
shit!!!you can eat with a hangover???my motto is stay drunk less often but closer together as you only get one hangover and have been pissed for days.IT'S PRAGMATIC.lol.
 cuddlyjock
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Can you party hard like a 20yr old when you are over 30?
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:50:03 PM
i'm 35 and i haven't stopped partying.you need to remember we're here but a short time and time is too precious to waste.so i say PARTY ON!!!!
 
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