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 Author Thread: What good things has Trump accomplished?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 493 (view)
 
What good things has Trump accomplished?
Posted: 3/19/2017 11:16:59 AM
Hi all - I've wandered back into the forums because this Canadian is trying to understand the Trump supporter/Americans. Now if I understand US process correctly, Trump's budget is just a proposal that reveals the direction he'd like the country to go in because Congress actually "does budgets".

Trump's budget proposal is a scorched earth budget that tears everything down (with exception of military + wall/'security'). This essentially leaves the entire job to Congress to decide which programs get funded.

As far as I can tell, this is an opening bid from 'the super-negotiator': he's swept everything off the table and congress has to argue/decide what gets put back on it.
1. opening with the devastation of 'everything is gone' means by the time the budget gets negotiated to 'merely awful' it will look much better by comparison and people will be more willing to accept it.
2. the chaos of 'everything' having to be justified - why each and every budget item should get back into the budget - scrambles 'the opposition' with too many targets/too little time (as far as I can tell, Trump includes everyone, including republicans who aren't in his tent, as 'the opposition')
3. Importantly, Trump is well positioned should it go either way: If the result is good, Trump will take credit; if the result is poor, it is not Trump's fault, it's congress or the dems (or Hillary or Obama's fault).

--> One thing that I don't get is, isn't this abdicating some of the President's responsibility? In essence, he hasn't put any skin in the game. Or is this the way it works?

--> I'm puzzled by reactions in conservative media: Do republicans generally view his budget proposal as meaningless and therefore aren't upset because 'congress will sort it out' or do republicans generally agree that Trump's budget proposal is the best way to make America great again?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 29 (view)
 
RIP *cowboy*
Posted: 6/11/2015 10:31:02 AM
I'm sorry to hear of cowboy's passing. One of the great forum characters for many years. RIP cowboy.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:33:33 PM
For me, 'moved on' means no longer emotionally charged; especially when the ex drops around to offer some advice or criticism. It means no longer getting hooked by stray thoughts. And it especially means not feeling compelled to respond. When all is truly said and done, there's nothing to be said.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 29 (view)
 
He needs time to think..
Posted: 4/20/2014 4:01:21 PM
It sucks when one falls in love faster than the other. All you can do is trust what he says, he needs.

Here’s one possible interpretation: He needs space to gain some clarity. He hasn’t had time to himself to just BE himself. He’s not sure of what he wants to do – not even sure it’s with you. It’s a ton of pressure: living with one foot in and the other out while your partner is ready to build a nest isn’t comfortable. Answering the many demands of his parents adds MORE pressure. Gawd, I can already feel the need for some time and quiet away from EVERYONE’s needs – let me grab some alone time to just decompress.

Now, he is either a jerk who is using the “time to think” dealio as a way of saying good-bye without commitment …
or, he is genuinely confused and can’t stand when he looks at the love in your eyes and feels guilty that he doesn’t feel the same way … yet. Ever? Some space let’s one feel their feelings.

Hard to do… give him space. Get on with your life. Not out of anger… just cuz that is what there is to do. Maybe he will come to realize he wants to commit to you – then he’ll come back in a much better place and space as his own man. Maybe he’ll realize he isn’t ready, or you’re not it.

You might not wish it, but it’s generally better to know some disappointing news than to try to build a relationship all by yourself. It takes two and he wasn’t in. Not fully in.

Yanno, transitions in one area of life often bring changes to seemingly unrelated things. Find some joy.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
What would you think?
Posted: 4/20/2014 7:20:00 AM
I'm in a relationship and I'm online. HE knows it (and was here for a while too until he wandered away from the forums when Marcus took the link away the first time - either that or they have a plaque with his name on it in Band Camp). I digress.

Regardless of honourable or dishonourable intentions - he lied to you about being online. Can't have a healthy relationship with withholds like that. That's the trust breaker.

Regardless of honourable or dishonourable snooping, baiting, trapping - you couldn't/wouldn't speak to him about an issue you were feeling without establishing proof/justification first. Can't have a healthy relationship with withholds like that. That's the trust breaker.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
When they wont accept its over
Posted: 4/1/2014 3:16:37 PM
Tell him firmly and kindly: "It is over. Please respect my decision and do not contact me again."

Do not answer further calls or texts. When it is over there is nothing left to say. If you have nothing left to say, don't get into conversation.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Do married couples share everything, or are somethings yours and others theirs?
Posted: 4/1/2014 6:47:01 AM
The vehicles are a proxy for their power struggle: they will either sort out the power struggle OR divorce. The power struggle in relationships is almost always the conflicts around defining personal autonomy and relating as a couple. Humans have 2 primary needs: autonomy and connection. Each individual has to find their balance in life and each couple has to find a balance. And, because relationships are as dynamic as the people in them, this balance is fluid meaning one is never ever balanced (static) - rather a constant state of balancing. Balancing is really just another way of saying 'relating'.

Fundamentally they are attempting to define who they are as people and a couple . Nothing to do with cars, toilet paper roll hanging direction, or any of the other proxies for "who I am as an individual" and "where is 'me' in this relationship" and "how do we operate/organize as a couple".

At this moment they are defining the wedge that, unresolved, will develop into the crack that blows it wide open.
The SUV is a powerful symbol - and they're entrenched on this as the proxy for their relationship and autonomy.

Wild-azzed speculation based on nothing:
For her: It is likely she wants proof of belonging/caring - and she's somehow determined "If you really loved me you would let me take your SUV" or "Your Autonomy threatens My sense of Belonging (relationship)"

For her: SUV a proxy for the sharing/caring/belonging. ONLY a symbol because it matters significantly to him.

For him: He needs a sense of autonomy in the relationship - he sacrificed his own wants (vehicle) for the greater good of the relationship (hhld bills) for a period of time and now?

For him: SUV is his autonomy - he is a person as well as a couple. It may well be it is a symbol of personal achievement, sacrifice, security. There's heart in this purchase - and he's somehow determined "I've earned this, it is my achievement and you want to take it away" or "Your Need to Belong threatens My Need for a sense of Autonomy within this relationship"

For him: SUV a proxy for Autonomy (personal achievement/sacrifice)

Quite often people can't see how they've got it lined up. Because she needs connection, she can't get his need for autonomy.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Enlighten me: Why did this message cause her to end the relationship?
Posted: 3/30/2014 1:16:52 PM
It's an incompatibility.

Your phrases aren't triggers to me; they would have reassured me. Obviously they were trigger words for her indicating incompatibility in relationships/world view/communication. Something.
Does it really matter to exactly id the specific bits?

(heck, it seems to me at 3 or 6 weeks we're all doing the "for the time being, while we get to know each other, see how it grows" thing - only difference is how willing or comfortable people are with living it).

In my experience, it is rarely 'the last thing'. Far too simplistic.
The last thing is just the last item in a series of 'things' that revealed incompatibility.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Comparing Your Lover to a Checklist
Posted: 10/3/2013 6:44:55 PM
Picking up on the bit about young men in Spain... they have well over 50% youth unemployment with a dismal outlook. Their rude behaviour could be the availability of porn... could also just as easily be anger over their situation/life prospects directed to young, rich travelers.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Problems in group of friends over a girl
Posted: 7/16/2013 8:21:33 PM

... even though I feel nothing is going on.

I'm not clear if you'd be open to something developing with her if that's how it worked out or... if she developed an interest in you, your response would be "sorry, I can't see us dating."

My approach to this would depend on whether she was a friend or a potential relationship.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 28 (view)
 
What does it mean when a man says this?
Posted: 6/29/2013 11:24:00 PM
I said about the same thing to my sweetie... something along the lines of "letting it grow organically -if love builds, we'll naturally grow together and if it doesn't, we'll drift apart." It felt dishonest to lay claim to where tomorrow might go. My only commitment at the time was "You'll always know where you stand with me."

It's been 6 years now. I'm so glad he got it.


BTW - awesome post WIP!
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Should this take me out of the dating pool?
Posted: 6/1/2013 1:34:28 AM
Just in case the OP is still cruising the thread:

You might be the perfect candidate for a different type of shared residence. Share 2 places very near each other... the kids live in one home while you and your ex switch-off between living with the kids and living in the "shared but never at the same time" adult home. In other words: the kids stay in one spot and the adults change households.

It would keep your autistic child in one stable home environment, open up more options than you currently have yet you'd still be close-to-hand if the kids (or your ex) needed you.

Thinking about it a bit further, it might also be handy for either of you to pull one of your other kids off for some quality "you&me" time - and give them a break from living with their autistic sibling.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Dating advice
Posted: 5/13/2013 1:08:19 AM
Get out there and keep failing! As far as I can tell, the only way to get over being socially awkward is to keep being social until you are no longer awkward.

Do you ask open ended questions that can't be answered with a yes or no?

I'm thinking my mathie/geek daughter would have found your "fox paws" hilarious - either for the connection attempt or recognizing a face-palm awkward moment. So my cheap advice is own your awkwardness (when people are ok with their awkwardness, it just becomes one of their traits - it's when they're dying of embarrassment that we don't want to watch).

oh, and "speak to express rather than impress" is probably good advice too!

Have fun with it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 116 (view)
 
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 5/13/2013 12:06:20 AM
^^ me too. Nomad, I have nothing (other than a hug) to add. But definitely follow woobie's Al-Anon advice... most excellent!
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
I'm a damn mess-sucked into the drama, need help out. (Long)
Posted: 5/12/2013 11:56:49 PM
Alternatively, you could choose to continue a relationship with him - but if so, choose to be in relationship WITH HIM. He has no time, his life will likely always be scattered over time/memory/organization, his school work takes more time, his life takes more time and effort to organize. That's the nature of ADHD and is not something he is doing TO YOU. (and medication is not appropriate for everyone with ADHD, nor is it a "magic fix" - the issues remain, they are subdued/easier to reach sometimes that's enough to put up with the side-effects, sometimes not}. Anxiety and stress tend to make it MUCH harder for an ADHD person to attend/manage their schedule - so your chasing after him about how you want him to be and making him wrong about the effects of a disability is not going to help matters and very likely will only make them worse.

The path you are on will not work out; he cannot be anyone other than who he is no matter how much you and he might wish it. It is not fair to say "I want you, but a different you". If you want a different him, be kind and cut him loose.

It might be your fights are all about time - you either incorrectly attribute it to not respecting you or can't live with the effects of someone who has difficulty managing time. Time is managed by the same part of the brain that is effected by ADHD. He will ALWAYS have issues with time - can you back off and live with it, or not?


He doesn't want you to see his face when you're talking about the feelings and issues in your relationship ? Well it brings only one word to mind. Dishonesty.

Could be attention related. Could be the expression on your face is painful to see while also hearing painful words and it's an attempt to reduce the stimulation. Lots of possibilities.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
I'm a damn mess-sucked into the drama, need help out. (Long)
Posted: 5/12/2013 11:26:01 PM

This is the first time anything like this has happened. Everyone else I've dated since my divorce has been a calm, dependable, non dramatic dating life. And they all bored me. I do have to look myself in the eyes and say that THIS one is the one I fell for. Not the nice, sappy, eager to please ones. While I don't think I would feed the drama in any other situation-it is true in this case.

How long have you been divorced? While a relief this isn't habitual, I would seriously consider the possibility that something is going on such that you are creating this situation to fulfill a need. Fabulous opportunity for growth, clarity perhaps even figuring out what you want from life and love. The timing is excellent to speak with a therapist - go dig out the pony from the pile of poo.

I don't see it as a game-I tell him to leave me alone-he doesn't. He wants to know the truth about my dating, he pries and pushes for details. So to me-the only 'game' is that when he wants me back I can't stay away. I think to me, the fact that he absolutely refuses to let me go is romantic-but at the same time I resent it because he is not respecting my wishes.

If you really wanted him to leave you alone, you would ensure that he does. "The game" you've created has some specific dance steps in it - you tell him to let you go, he ignores you (and why shouldn't he? you don't speak your truth)and thus he supplies the proof you are "something" (desirable? worthy? important? sexy? valued?). It is most definitely a game.

Your truth might be you actually want to keep this going - but you don't want to be seen as choosing this situation for yourself - so it is absolutely necessary it stay his fault. That's the balance point you've established in this relationship. The moment you fully accept your responsibility is the time you will either say it is over in a way he will get - or it will be over regardless of whether he "gets it" or not. As soon as it is actually something you don't want, you'll stop. As long as you need to keep it going but be able to lie to yourself about it - you'll keep this mess going and be helpless in the middle of it.

You have to appreciate how great being confused about something is - as long as you can keep yourself confused and churning about something - you've let yourself off the hook for actually living your life the way you choose to.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
I'm a damn mess-sucked into the drama, need help out. (Long)
Posted: 5/12/2013 10:51:48 PM
It seems you're not very good at taking responsibility. YOU need this dysfunctional dynamic - you're definitely getting a lot of juice out of it. It is not "your heart" that has you in this. It's not his fear of abandonment. All the excuses you've mentioned are window dressing for your helpless angst. I wonder why you insist on viewing yourself as a helpless victim? And also, why are you not absolutely horrified at the games you are inflicting on another human being?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Can women inheriting wealth thru divorce or death be willing to share this wealth with NEW boyfriend
Posted: 8/27/2012 11:38:52 PM
Two people live in one house - they break up - one of them HAS to move. I guess I'm confused as to why this would be an issue.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Empty Nester - Nakedness and other perks!
Posted: 8/25/2012 9:56:15 PM
I'll be an empty nester in **gosh** ONE week.

I didn't imagine I would have a problem with this transition but as it gets closer, I realize I was lying to myself. I'm going to miss her like crazy. My sweeties is just going to have to contain his glee until I adjust **grins**
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Compromising in a relationship-does it really exsist?
Posted: 8/25/2012 6:23:11 PM
I don't like compromise, at least, not how it is usually practiced. All too often, compromise means someone has to give up something on behalf of the other getting what they need, or neither end up with with what they wanted. I much prefer collaboration - where both work together to give each other what they need or mutually decide what's best to do in the situation.

Sometimes, it just isn't possible to find a workable solution to give both people what they want. It isn't possible, for example, for him to go to lunch with her family and also run errands for his mother on the same afternoon. In cases like this a collaborating couple will work out what's the best thing to do, considering the needs of all people involved and knowing not everyone will get their needs met. Sometimes ya just gotta take one for the team.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
To love more or be the one who loves less?
Posted: 8/19/2012 9:05:43 PM
When I was much younger I would have said I wanted my partner to love me more because I was afraid of the hurt if I loved and it ended. (similar thinking would lead someone to break up first so they don't have to feel the pain of being the dumpee). It's all about attempting to control life and reduce risk.

Having survived my worst fears I've emerged free to love wholeheartedly and no longer worry about outcomes, control or security. I love, he loves, we love. Some days he's p!ssed with me (or me with him) and even then I cannot tell who loves each other more. I trust our love... I trust we will disappoint each other at times (because to be human is to disappoint yourself and others at times). I trust we will work out whatever needs to be worked out, in whatever means necessary.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 197 (view)
 
The Ripple Effect
Posted: 8/19/2012 3:25:13 AM
I don't start my day with the forums anymore; I guess my lil routine didn't survive the "Forum Button Debacle" when conversations dried up and so many regulars wandered away. I do pop in from time to time to see what's being discussed and when I come back I almost inevitably come back to read this thread. All of it - and it still affects me each and every time. It's funny how so many of the people and their thoughts still ripple through my life.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Anyone else growing old alone?
Posted: 8/18/2012 11:03:35 PM
I used to be overly independent. Someone even said much the same thing to me although I couldn't hear it in the way they intended it at that time. I guess I was a little too loudly on the "I don't need anyone" thing. **smiles**

Somewhere, over time, a shift happened for me. I realized that allowing someone to share my life meant letting them in, do things for me, help me out ... yanno... sharing. In many ways, when you don't let someone help you out, you're not only not letting them in, you're also sending a pretty powerful "F-you" message. Took me a while to get that.


the context he said it in was directed at the fact that I am overly-independent. Not one to take a helping hand willingly. I have developed some interesting views about myself and what I look like in a relationship with someone. Basically, and I know I'll catch hell for this, I adhere to the belief that if your ring isn't on my finger, then I am not your responsibility. Call it _____________________(fill in the blank) but that is what I have come to believe.


Interesting, how does a relationship evolve and develop for you? You're two separate people and then you become what? Responsible for what? What is at stake for you when someone helps you out? What do you lose when someone gives you a hand ?

It strikes me as a competitive place to live life from. You seem to be the gatekeeper of your relationship: you get to decide exactly what type and how much sharing there will be.

Imagine buying your lover a cup of coffee. Yep, they can buy their own cup of coffee, but it feels good to share with them, doesn't it? Then you tell them that they can't buy you a cup of coffee - it's only you who gets to have the feel-goods from this. And the only time you'll ever actually allow them is when you have absolutely no other choice.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Being in the Moment While Dating
Posted: 8/13/2012 2:11:27 AM
I really enjoyed dating; I loved meeting people and "getting" them. It's an extraordinary opportunity to see the world through their eyes and to notice my reactions. That's 'being in the moment while dating' for me.

How in the heck can anyone be in the moment if they are not willing to let things 'be'?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
i really dont know what else to do, im worried....
Posted: 8/10/2012 10:48:47 PM
It's a pain to be sure, but don't engage in convo with his friends... just stirs the pot.

Shift your perspective a bit.

From "why is he doing this to me?/OMG I can't believe what he is doing now"
^^ which is in the neighbourhood of where I think you are now

To: "look, more evidence of jerkiness - glad this sucker is gone"
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
My bf won't stop talking about his ex...
Posted: 8/10/2012 7:42:27 PM
Clearly tell him you are tired of hearing about her. You might have to tell him more than once. Regardless of whether this relationship works or not it will be great practice for you in being honest.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
i really dont know what else to do, im worried....
Posted: 8/10/2012 7:34:00 PM
Wow, nasty fellow. My gut reaction is he is yanking your chain to get a reaction from you - more of the hurtful stuff he said when you broke up. Seems like he gets off on it.

What I don't get is the "I'm afraid he'll never allow me to be happy because of that..." bit. Why is there any "allow" in this and what the heck does he have to do with your happiness?

Look, I get this is embarrassing, humiliating and a betrayal. Cut him out, walk away and forget it. Don't feed his twisted need to humiliate you.

And you know what? If the worst possible thing happened and he did post this on the internet, there's so much porn out there 'you' would be lost in the ocean of it. I suspect that's not really his deal tho' - it feels like he needs your reaction for his juice (and his friends - if in fact he has shown it around).
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Boyfriend moving then not moving for his kids
Posted: 8/10/2012 12:33:36 PM
Someone else's confusion is NOT your responsibility to take on. You're clear on what you want, all you need to do is put it in play. Don't wait for his timing especially when it is going to impact on your plans. Try something like: "I'm starting school September, we know this is over, you need to move to cali to be with your kids, please move this month so everything is done by the time I start school"

^^ you will notice this doesn't get into any details of who people are or aren't - it just states very plainly 'what is' and the request.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
The Butterfly Effect
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:30:08 PM
About 5 years ago I met my sweetie for the first time. He didn't have a pic posted on POF, *claimed* he didn't have one to send so I joked with him that he was likely a gnomish trolly sort of fellow and I would take one look at him and barf on his shoes. I was exurberently predicting "fastest meet evah"

Right, I'm *still* trying to convince him that I am a total klutz and tripped on something, but he'll *nevah* let me wiggle out of this one ... My eyes met his, those dayum butterflies did a kamakaze back flip, my knees buckled and I crashed into the door jam.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
First Date...
Posted: 6/26/2012 10:57:09 AM
First date with my sweetie was a book signing with one of his fav authors. After hearing the author speak, we lined up for over an hour to get the books signed. It was a hoot! I figured if we could have fun standing in a line, we could have fun going/doing/being anywhere.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
The Ex's son
Posted: 6/26/2012 7:35:19 AM

You don't need to talk with the mother... just send her an email and tell her you'll continue to communicate with the boy unless you hear otherwise. Then you've done your part in letting her know. If she has a strong opposition to that, she'll either let you know or talk with her son.

^^ I like this advice **waves to Janet**

When a kid finds someone they connect with it can be a valuable resource through turbulent times.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Weekend Getaway Gone Wrong :0(
Posted: 6/25/2012 7:42:44 AM

what I could never understand is how it takes some folks long enough to need reading material whilst on the throne...?!

I've read entire books in the throne room... few pages at a time. Multi-tasking is a good use of your time hahaa.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Forums are grabbing my attention more than the profiles, OH NO!! lol
Posted: 6/25/2012 7:33:42 AM

honestly hope that i won't be looking back at these posts five years from now!

I've been here 5 years (met my sweetie through POF and stayed for the forums) and it is a total kick when an old thread resurfaces and you get to revisit yourself!

**What happens in Band Camp, stays in Band Camp**
I've never been banned. I don't say this as a badge of merit, its just a factoid. I'm either too polite or people don't understand my insults hahaa. My sweetie got banned on a fairly regular basis and many/most/some of my forum friends have had a turn at band camp.

I actually have TRIED to get banned. When I get worked up about something it kinda comes out as menacing as "Cry havoc and let slip the poodles of war". People probably looked at my worst posts and backed away thinking "wow, Margo is having a really bad day, send her a virtual beer".
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Fellow men, have you felt this way also??
Posted: 6/23/2012 9:58:13 PM
I never wanted kids - it wasn't that I didn't like them or didn't want the crimp in my lifestyle as much as I didn't think I would be a good mum. I never got the hang of 'kid speak' and really envy those people who can naturally step into a kidsspace.

And then I had my Most Interesting Year - married, pregnant, divorced and gave birth within 12 months. Wowzer.

In the months where I was pregnant and alone, definitely not ever how I had planned how my life would go **grins** I laid awake at night worried about the awesome responsibility of launching a human being in the world. I really worried whether I going to be able to do this well. I really wanted to be a good parent, but sometimes you suck at something no matter how badly you want to do well at it... and I was afraid this would be one of those things. She wasn't even born yet and her parents had messed up her life. Great start, eh?

But yanno, in the moment she was born I felt my life's priorities effortlessly and instantaneously alter. It was the most extraordinary feeling. In that moment I "got" what love is. I "got" how my parents loved me. I don't think anyone can really get it until they have their kid. It's kinda like when you were learning how to ride a bike, no matter how well someone explained "balance" you didn't get it until the moment you experienced it. I used to worry about maybe resenting "giving up" stuff or the way my life would alter because I had a kid... all of it was absolutely nothing to give up, because my life was willingly transformed in the moment of her birth. That still blows me away.

She's off to university in 10 weeks. It sure doesn't feel like it's been a 20 year ride. Yeah, there's been some rough patches... I've laid awake nights worrying about how to handle something or how I can help her get out of her own way. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. It would seem somehow less significant. I have learned so much about life and love being her mum. I never did get the hang of kidspeak but we sure had fascinating conversations and I've done so many things I would never have done without her. Gosh, she is so different than I am it has been fascinating to see the world thru her eyes. I learned how to throw a ball, do the nine timestables with my fingers and fell in love all over again with hockey. **grins**

The best thing I have ever done in my life is be this extraordinary person's support. I have had successes in my life - climbed the corporate ladder, achieved what I set out to, travelled a bunch, but yanno, as important as I once thought all that was, the thing that really matters to me, the thing I am most proud of is being her mum. It was the toughest job I have ever done and absolutely no contest, the most fulfilling and rewarding.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
We're exclusive - does the POF account need to be hidden?
Posted: 6/23/2012 3:11:55 PM
OP = Opening Post
... and also Opening Poster.

I'm still here and, until he got tired of the forums, so was my sweetie.

It's good you are openly communicating together about this... that bodes well for learning about each other. Taking how he has presented this at face value...

I generally don't have a problem with flirtatious behaviour. I have a huge problem you are uncomfortable and he is placing his virtual flirting ahead of your discomfort. If either my sweetie or myself were uncomfortable with continuing here in any capacity, we'd pull out of here pronto. Real life has to come before pixels, or in the world according to me, priorities are messed up.

I also have some issue with him flirting with people who think he is genuine - yanno, available. Besides the obvious (to me anyway) integrity issue... There's a fair number of timewasters and jerk-people-arounders on POF and your new fellow obviously doesn't care about being one of those people who get women's *hopes up* only to pull a disappearing act. I don't like it when people put their ego stroke or gratification ahead of consideration for other people - even strangers.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Is it normal to not have dated in highschool?
Posted: 6/23/2012 1:16:52 PM

my youngest is like that; was called Napoleon Dynamite through school (and in thearmy); massive gamer, massive mathlete; knowledge bowler, presidential scholar and voted smartest senior. Never had a date; always was embarrassed hwen a girl would talk to him; at one point I literally wondered if he was gay (he isn't). So I'm also waiting for him to eventually ask out a girl. I wonder when it will happen... :)

If they haven't started in a few years maybe we should introduce them **grins**
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Is it normal to not have dated in highschool?
Posted: 6/22/2012 11:31:45 PM
Nah, never doomed. You'll be more experienced by tomorrow - experience is like that, it builds regardless of where or when you start it.

My kiddo is a few years younger than you - she's a jock geek math girl. Spent her high school years teaching herself html, making smart phone apps, playing hockey. Had one bf in HS who was in the student run school IT dept. Frankly, there weren't a whole boatload of people she would have been interested in dating, so I'm glad she didn't try to force it because *you're supposed to date*. Fun for her was getting together with her geek friends, setting up a LAN at someone's house and having 24 hour gaming party. She skipped prom - said she wasn't much interested in hanging with a bunch of people she hadn't liked all that much. I said sometimes people regret missing it - she figured she could live with the lifelong disappointment **grins**.

She'll likely start dating at uni - she'll find a larger pool of geeks, err compatible people.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
When the man moves fast and furious....
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:59:55 PM
Depends on what you mean by "quickly" - hanging around these forums for a few years has taught me people have VASTLY different opinions of quick and slow.

IME, *most* times the urge to "seal the deal" quickly reflected an insecurity and it fizzled. But sometimes it didn't. You just have to get to know the person. What someone feels today, may not be how they feel next week... and that regardless of how fast or slow one moves. There's no guarantees.

Have fun getting to know someone, enjoy it and in the fullness of time you'll know.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 39 (view)
 
19 and Never Had a Girlfriend?
Posted: 6/18/2012 10:47:05 PM
My daughter is around your age and, as a socially awkward geek girl, she's had to learn social skills. She practiced speaking with people on-line which helped. She learned how to ask open ended questions (the sort that can't be answered with a yes or no) to get a conversation started - and keep it flowing.

Look for "How to Make People Like You in 90 seconds or Less" - it's a good primer on conversation, connection and building rapport with new people.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
personality vs. character
Posted: 6/18/2012 8:00:35 PM
I think it was Ann Landers who said eons ago...
"You fall in love with their personality and then live with their character"
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
What makes men fall in love with a woman?
Posted: 6/17/2012 1:45:09 PM
Judging from the men who were (or thought for a time they were) in love with me... there's usually some physical thing that is their zinger (for my sweetie it was my smile and my "dirty" laugh) and then the thing that was most frequently repeated was I am warm. I don't think they meant warm like a warm body that's available **grins** But for long term, I think it is you tend to approach life in a compatible way.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Winning?
Posted: 6/17/2012 6:43:24 AM

The point is that I'm not gonna do anything more than treat her the way I would want to be treated.

The point is... you do/say things that treat her the way SHE wants to be treated, not the way YOU would want to be treated.

I had an ex that always threw me the B-day parties THEY would like: big parties, lots of people... when I would have preferred, and frequently voiced my preference, a quiet evening together or with a few very close friends to mark the occasion. And, yes, knowing "the big dealio" was important to them, I planned that sort of a party when their b-day came along - even tho' I would have preferred a quiet dinner without all of the hoopla.

You might find the "5 Love languages" a useful read. You seem to have a fairly dangerous ribbon of "tit for tat" and "winner/loser" mentality going on which will get in the way of building a relationship IMO. Relationship is about relating to the other person, filling their needs, getting yours met.

I do get where you're coming from - there does need to be reciprocity in a relationship - just what *that* looks like can well be very different depending on the individual person's needs. Somehow, I don't think you're the sort to be WOWED with a bunch of flowers. Heck, when we were dating I used to every once in a while bring my sweetie some flowers, or now here's special for you: a double roll pack of TP or paper towels, or facial tissues <-- I tell ya NOTHING says "I love you" like bringing a bulky item to someone who lugs their grocery shopping home on the subway.

There was a thread here a few years ago about trinkets - the OP felt as the fellow wasn't bringing her trinkets, he wasn't all that into her and she was going to dump him over it. Almost everyone was dumping on her for being materialistic, including me. When I mentioned the thread (I was just a titch worked up over the subject LOL) to my sweetie, he said "Yanno, I actually think she has a point and we'll talk about it tonight after work".

When he arrived later that night, he told me to hold out my hands... you could almost hear the drum rolls as he rummaged through his bag and emerged with an object, which he placed - with a loving flourish - into my outstretched hands.

"What is this?" I asked dubiously, looking at this odd, very large, cheap, - dare I say ugly? - plastic crank handle pencil sharpener .

"Oh sweetie" he exclaimed, "I thought *you* of all people would instantly recognize what this is. I am sooooooooooooo, soooooooooo disappointed. This... " he paused for dramatic effect, "THIS is a trinket, because you are loved THAT MUCH"

Oh my, I laughed and that darn plastic pencil sharpener still has pride of place on my living room bookshelf. And you know - It worked, I DID feel loved.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 90 (view)
 
If We Understood the Opposite Sex Like We Understand Our Own Gender ..?
Posted: 6/16/2012 6:17:18 PM

.... though I'd prefer to call it my "Quiet Place" rather than my "Nothing Place" and I don't live in caves, I live in castles....

When my sweetie moved in we insisted he have the 3rd bedroom as his "Penis Palace" - I figure two people in love need to be able to get away from each other from time to time. **grins**

I like the balance of male/female. If we understand more about how the other person approaches things, especially their communication styles, we can more easily tailor communication to work with them. I think it's a matter of paying attention, applying what you notice and letting any differences be ok.

Hahaa... Just today I was prattling on about my garden, caught my sweetie's barely perceptible twitch and stopped, saying"I'm talking too much" to which he quickly replied "No, no, its ok, I was just listening too much!". We howled.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Online dating working for you?
Posted: 6/16/2012 5:53:42 PM
Met him on POF in 2007 - been around five years from our first real date. We're engaged (which I swore I would never do again). Have also developed some real friendships and met a lot of great people. We hosted a BBQ a few years ago to meet some of the forumites. Yeah, there's the others as well, but I guess it depends on what you focus on.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Deal Breaking Quarrel
Posted: 6/15/2012 12:48:56 AM
Oh boy. You won't like my opinion at all OP - I guarantee you it will reveal my "attitude to people". I assumed when I read your opening post that this was the first - and last - argument the pair of you had. My opinion of that incident is there were sufficient red flags flapping on both sides that (as someone in this thread said) "I wouldn't date either one of you".

IF I were ever in the position of having to cancel plans last minute because I was tired from work, and received a righteous rather than gracious response to it, well that would be the end of the dealio as far as I am concerned. Does not bode well for a considerate partner. Neither of you seem very considerate or gracious IMO. Heck, even though this has been nothing more than wild azz speculation on your part.... if I'd been so caught up in my day that I'd forgotten I had a date planned that night, it'd be the same thing. His forgetting (if, indeed he did forget) could also add support to what a lousy day he'd had.

Just as an aside because I'm late to this party - if his day went sideways in the last 2 hours that WOULD be a very good reason why it took him an hour to return your call. Even so, I have to admit no matter how much someone's righteous attitude ticked me off, I wouldn't call back 30 times. So, yeah, he's sure not winning any prizes.

Your recent follow up post demonstrates more of your righteous attitude - my oh my, you have a huge need to be right. You also might be a bit delusional... He lost his temper when arranging your first coffee date and you still met with him? You agree to be tested and he refuses to show his results.... and you continued to see him?

You claim you "don't give a sh*t", yet you started this thread (which suggests you very much do give a sh*t - perhaps not about him, but most certainly about being right) and then came back to it some weeks later and just had to provide us with these other details - including what he is posting on his FB wall? And now the man is upgraded to narcissist?

Yanno, I was going to say if you'd truly "scraped him off the bottom of your Manolos" why are you still FB stalking him, but I figured you'd offer that you remained FB friends because he "knows where you live" and you want to keep up the pretense that this is/was an amicable break up. Even if I give you that one, heck if you weren't interested in FB stalking him you'd have changed your settings so you wouldn't see what he was posting to his wall.

So OP, you're way more invested in this than you would like to admit but I doubt you'll want to face that.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
break up message
Posted: 6/14/2012 6:41:06 AM
My nephew just got engaged to his high school sweetheart. They broke up at the end of high school to go their separate ways to university. Like your fellow, it was a nice break up - both really liked each other and were being smart about how the distance and challenges usually wreck havoc on a relationship. They both had several relationships and when their paths crossed again several years after uni, they rekindled their relationship.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 40 (view)
 
You're young, you have time. Not good advice anymore.
Posted: 6/13/2012 7:51:45 AM
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." ~ George Bernard Shaw

I don't have much of a problem with your observations: there is a sizable (astonishing?) group of twenty-somethings who have kids and exes that now make them (according to your construct) "undateable". You are faced with the male biological clock ticking (it's nonsense that only women have this) and are concerned about how do I know we genuinely are 'it' for each other vs they are a 'good enough' vehicle to getting me the marriage/family I want .

Where I have a problem is having made these observations, you are stuck on wanting the world to line up how you want it to, rather than adjusting your goals/constructs to meet the reality you live in. (and oddly enough, that's the same complaint you have about the "lot's of time" advice).

You have to decide which is more important to you... finding your life partner may involve changing the rules you have manufactured.

And BTW, if you are fully occupied with meaningless sex you aren't available for something different. Do you have the time to squander on stuff that isn't in alignment for where you want your life to go?

edit to add: The OP's quest to find someone who hasn't been "marred" in life reminds me of the quest years ago where some men demanded a virgin ~ just an observation.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 7:21:19 AM
Good post Motown.

I have a bit of an issue with 'self esteem' - because it is so nebulous, it's hard to get a handle on - most especially for someone who is caught in the "I've gotta get me some self esteem" hamster wheel. Plus it's a modern term - so it's kinda made up and like all 'catch-all, convenient labels, sometimes the label interferes with getting at exactly what the elements of it are. (To illustrate my point - I also have a similar issue with the word 'quality' as we all have different characteristics that are necessary to declare something is high or low quality - for some it might be durability, others weight of material or stitching or richness of the colour. I think it is much more useful to parse out what characteristics create the perception of quality - and that's what I'm suggesting one does for 'self esteem').

Similarly, I think finding, getting or improving this made up catch all label of self esteem involves looking at specific areas where we need to develop new muscles, or make new decisions. In short, it's not so much 'getting self esteem' as it is being aware of the specific things we are thinking, doing and not doing that are interfering with us having mastery of our own life. I actually think it is more useful to work on mastering your own life than it is to "get more self esteem".

If one were to tear apart their self esteem issues, trying to figure out what it looks like for them, I suspect we'd find things like 1. having the confidence to know you'll be able to handle yourself in situations, (which includes being able to survive/correct your own inevitable mistakes), 2. Being able to read your own emotions/thoughts, 3. Being able to have your own emotions, 4. Being able to hold your various emotions and having the freedom to pick what action you want to take in a situation (rather than being dictated by one of your reactive [automatic and often subconscious] feelings) 5. Actually believing (distinct from saying) you are 'enough' - even with your normal flawed human being status, you're still 'enough' or 'good enough'.

There's others of course, everyone has crafted their own flavour of self-esteem issues **grins**. I think therapy is an excellent tool to use to take a look at exactly what your own constructs are. They are all based on the decisions one made as a child on who they are, how the world works and how it should work. "Poor self esteem" is actually the strategies one devised as a child to be able to cope and they are really effective at protecting you from those dangers. They just totally suck at mastering your adult life, and often get in the way of how you want to live and relate to people as an adult. So I guess I'm saying you don't find or develop self esteem - you find adult answers to questions we all deal with throughout our lives.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Possessive or not right
Posted: 6/12/2012 10:55:42 AM
This could be a case of an online relationship not being able to stand up to existing in real life. Or it might be a case of people in a new/developing relationship acting like it is an established relationship before it is established (getting ahead of themselves) and setting demands/expectations on the other person that they then react against and get trapped in a cycle of power struggle.

Being possessive is like that - one expects the other person to behave in a way **I** expect my partner to behave. Trying to force someone to play a role like this doesn't allow a relationship to develop and get to know each other IMO. When someone tells you you are being possessive, they are telling you you are crowding them and getting into their space. People tend to back away from this - no one really likes being pressured. They back away even further if every contact is another long litany of being told "what a schmuck I am for not being who you want me to me" or the list of "how you have hurt me".

ugh.

As you have recounted it, neither of you win prizes for open communication, cooperation or collaboration.

Did I get this right?

When he did want to talk I was acting like I can't be here anytime when you need me while you are not there when i need you, so I told him I was busy couldn't meet him.

So, you wanted to talk and when he was available you chose to punish him for not being instantly at your beck and call? Not a good move - this was you actually getting in the way of what you say you want to happen.

"come closer, no, go away. I want you now, no, I don't want you at all. I want to talk, no not now, I'm not ready now. Oh look, now you've made me cry" <-- crazy making confusing communication, especially for a brand new relationship

But I'm not convinced that what you say you wanted to have happen is actually what you wanted, not really. I **suspect** based on nothing more than wild speculation, that you were afraid moving into a new place and settled all your fears on him, making him responsible for your well being... and likely making it his fault as well. And when he backed off, you increased the pressure, effectively driving him even further away.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:22:18 PM
Some therapy is a good support structure at a time like this.

You're overthinking and overfearing things and in the midst of all that aren't seeing what is right in front of you. So part of what you need to do is learn to get a stop switch for the thinking/worrying track you put yourself on.

Stand "toe to toe with really what's so". Break out or separate out what you fear and what is really happening so you can see him clearly for who is is and what he is doing.

You're in a good place to get a handle on things because you see what your fears are doing. Stopping destructive thinking is about learning new skills. Kinda sad if you allow your fear it might end to screw up the chance for it to begin.
 
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