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 Author Thread: Where Have All The Good Women Gone?
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Where Have All The Good Women Gone?
Posted: 2/2/2019 8:47:43 PM
Thank you both, appreciate it.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 23 (view)
 
How to respond to her; she is mirroring me
Posted: 2/2/2019 1:19:23 AM
Seems to be working. You are obsessed. It would be very boring to me.
If you wan’t something other than to win, I say back off completely.

If there was anything substantial, it doesn’t matter how you respond( respond genuinely), and she wouldn’t be playing games unless she is that immature, and in that case, why is that attractive?

The most attractive person to me loses appeal as soon as they become artificial and or manipulative.

You must on some level be ok with cat and mouse. Maybe she is bored at work and needs to feel validated, and is only semi attracted to you.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Where Have All The Good Women Gone?
Posted: 2/2/2019 12:49:32 AM
They are taken, like good men are usually, or they are looking for the right one. We aren’t always the right one for “ good” people. Sometimes we need to work on our healing first and become better in all ways.

Op, the title of thread is indefensible and just designed to make you feel righteous or valid for being alone. Nothing wrong with being alone, and you have not dated “all women” to make that sweeping generalization, just women in your circles locally.

You are talking somewhat about online-the downtrodden, desperate, quick fix people wanting to glom onto others for whatever they can get. I am sorry you had abusive relationships. I had a situation myself. Before that my ltrs were merely dissatisfying and ended, never to speak to the parties again, for the relationships were shallow,
in my view. I never really missed that many.

But, the abusive situation taught me things like compassion for the damage abuse inflicts, have far reaching impact on one’s whole life like distrust of others, needing to keep oneself safe, aversion to risk or the complete opposite impulse- accepting anybody and anything. Both genders have experienced abuse and its fallout, but one has to acknowledge it vs brush it aside, to heal from it.

The longer you stayed in, the worse you damage yourself. Mine was “ relatively brief” compared to some in very long term situations, but being tortured in any way for any length of time is damaging and stays with you forever, an indelible memory.

Good matches/ people are rare in men and women. Good matches are rare for most people. Why do people think finding an appropriate person to date is abundant, or a walk in the park?

If you want it so badly, you need to get off the internet and plug into social networks of some kind and form friendly connections with men and women. If you have much to offer, you will attract that person, esp if the groups are tailored to your interests and core values.

Before that though, you need to heal from all your experiences before you are ready to date. Users and abusers come in all genders. One has to learn to discriminate, and have some standards and boundaries for behavior.

I learned to try to understand how abuse happened to me, my part. Desperation, fear of loneliness like those seen in online seekers, the desire for a band aid, quick fix, naiveté, wanting to believe people are good and don't lie, believing what I wanted to hear, wanting to be rescued or rescue, thinking I could fix abuse, loyalty for its own sake vs those deserving of such, many misguided notions, springing up from fear and inexplicable self loathing, perhaps going back to childhood that I had covered up in various guises via certain achievements, and attempting to “find life meaning via relationships.”

Relationships can give your life meaning, but they are not the meaning of your life. YOU are the center of your life and are complete without anyone, even though we are social beings. It’s invaluable be plugged into society. It provides context and depth, and is necessary to a meaningful life.

When we focus on others’ faults though, without a look at our own, it disempowers us, as we cannot fix people, we can only fix ourselves.
Your current negative view on “women”attitude will surely drive away any “good women”. Playing victim works not for men, not for women, even if one was victimized at a point. That role has to be discarded in favor of “ survivor”. In many cases of victimization, there were some choices. In knowing my insecurity that led to an abusive situation, I can know how it happened, how to avoid it and get out when I see the signs.
Wishing you healing. It might be best to start with platonic friends of either gender and take it slow.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Would relationships be better if the honeymoon hormones never went away?
Posted: 12/11/2018 7:17:15 AM
Chemistry doesn’t equal a relationship. Empathy, laughter, admiration, kindness, etc...are more sustaining, and the way a person thinks can definitely repel or draw me in.

In a relationship the demands are many. Not only do you need attraction physically, but that cannot be the only thing. Physical attraction can mask for many the fact you don’t like the person that much in a deep and lasting way
or that your goals don’t match.
 Beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Qualities men look for in a woman?
Posted: 10/30/2018 8:41:40 AM
You’ve been rejected a lot and to compensate you are saying womenkind are lacking and not meeting your bare standards. That’s funny. Classic denial.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 22 (view)
 
What is holding you back
Posted: 9/3/2018 6:50:39 PM
Wth op, are you talking about? You need to explain what you are asking or forget about this thread.

“1: people are confusing the difference between decision and a choice

2: ethics and lack of knowledge

3: economy and social media “

People join sites but they don't need to choose you, op. That doesn't make them game players.

Same for guy who claims women don't want husbands. People still get married. They don't choose you because people expect a lot in this day and stakes are higher/ more demanding online, and you are highly demanding, yourself.

Or else you did not find your needle in haystack, but you go around generalizing because online doesn't work for you.

It doesn't work for many people, so why can’t you meet people locally, in life? Online doesn't make it easier to connect.

It’s a fantasy fulfillment online, where people seek out the exceptional, not regular people, unless they are desperate or willing to settle for good enough, which is not very many people.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is it possible to re-attract a woman who was once into me, but lost interest?
Posted: 8/31/2018 10:34:38 PM
Stop trolling.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Science Says norwegianguy456 Likes It Anal on Camera
Posted: 8/23/2018 10:08:31 PM
Who said a soulmate was so literally one person for life? I think it just means for the person valuing the idea--usually a woman, sometimes a guy, that the love has an intensity that feels rare, deep and meaningful and is transforming-maybe you feel understood and accepted in a way you never had before, etc...

Being that rare wonderful connections are unique, one can have more than one soulmate, if lucky, and the character of the relationship will differ. The thing they may share is the transformative nature and depth of connection.

Most so called relationships are half assed, people are rarely constant and selfless, but those type of traits could be signs of such a deeper bond.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 26 (view)
 
The notion of nice guys is cheap, paperback fiction.
Posted: 8/2/2018 10:36:18 AM
Nice guys are typically manipulative, centerless ciphers. A good person is good, not for show or reward, but as a principle based on their values.

Nice guys , who calls themselves that? People who want excess credit for bare minimums and to leverage it into “I am entitled to the most attractive because I lack horrid qualities.”

If there is the same for women, same applies, but I don't hear this that much- “I am a good gal” biz. Maybe its to do with chastity, call other girls sluts “but I’m a good girl...”

The entitled (to happiness) men brag of not having the worst traits men can have, the women do the same with what used to be seen as positive about women- purity and discrimination. Now, that is seen as prudish and high maintenance, fallen out of favor in these times where porn is seen as mainstream.

Nobody is entitled to happiness and dates. You have to make the effort, and can improve chances, make it happen sometimes, but that is due to luck too. Sometimes there just aren't enough perfect candidates left.

Sometimes you are limited in options, even if your expectations are reasonable. But then, some people get this “ it is unfair” mentality. What is unfair? That you don't have a SO? The ones that do may be unhappy or cheating or bored. Perfect love that endures is in the minority.

Everybody thinks there is some ultimate partner out there. There are attractive people, but they may not be perfect partners, there may be average looking people who may be good partners, or the reverse. You have to judge your criteria.

Being solo can be the better option vs thinking a SO changes your life for the better.
I haven't experienced this, I am the same person, but I have been negatively influenced. I suppose it is possible I can be changed for the better, and that is an exciting thought but nothing to feel entitled to. I don't need it to be the case, but in the best case scenario, a ltr does change you for the better, vs have no effect or worsen you as a person.

That is my benchmark, am I a better person for having known this person? It is a bit loopy to apply but it’s something I consider of past and present people, from friends to SOs or family. Surprisingly, even difficult people or conflict can still make you better- usually with family- you are forced to commit to the relationship, bad or not, and can discover tolerances and depths you don't with acquaintances.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 289 (view)
 
Heartbroken(and it's not what you think)
Posted: 8/2/2018 8:39:21 AM
Aqua, your mindset is really killing any happiness you can build now and in the future. You are doing it to yourself, over and over. Your negative mind is the driver, your negativity and pessimism feels safe to you. A huge chunk of it is due to your influences. Move out and you will have new challenges- maybe a roommate issue, money problems, loneliness, but also new serenity and happiness after some growing pains.

It takes time to live differently and be different, and better than what you were before.
Your generation expects things instantly. No, you need to be consistent and apply efforts tediously until it pays off.
Everybody needs to feel in control of their lives, and to be around positive people. Get these 2 things and a lot of your
issues will be relieved tremendously.

You need to figure out your long term plan. Not short term..what will make you happy and then work actively to build your happiness by not catastrophizing, staying on course no matter the setback and commit fully to yourself and that includes experimenting with different ways of being instead of digging in heels stubbornly and calcifying your old regimes that never worked- like empty ultimatums at your mom. She is your mom, quit the drama, just step back and live your life. Same with bro.

The people who pass through- let them pass and don't bear animosity. Focus on those who stay and determine if those connections work for you healthily or not.

You have a lot of unrealistic ideas like everybody should like you or get you when the reverse isn't true- not everybody is your cup of tea. You don't hate these people, don't look down on them necessarily, right?

Not everybody superficially attractive is for you. If you think they are, you are looking only at the surface and aren't applying but superficial criteria, which many people do.

Those are the people in never ending drama. A pretty face confuzzles many.

What you said about fearing success is spot on. If some gal was way into you, you might implode, true. It is human and understandable - these happy circumstances can be rare enough. But they can and do happen from time to time. But, only if you are open and get to know people without your walls up. As for embarassment, there are ways to minimize that if you get acquainted enough, you can tell if the answer might be yes, if you see any indicators if interest. But that comes with knowing the person a little vs asking strangers for numbers. Who does that anymore? Does not work.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Friends With Exes: What are your thoughts?
Posted: 7/16/2018 12:41:30 AM
I could not give a damn. It’s theoretically possible I could have a lovely, civilized, mature and spiritual ltr that simply evolves into friendship. So, if it was the case we were only positive forces in each other’s lives and we wanted to stay in touch, ok fine.

But if it was that great, what are we breaking up for?

In reality, something hurtful took place or somebody feels resentment, or someone feels triggered by the others behavior or trust has broken, etc. and worse, or indifference has set in.

I think staying in touch as friends with uncomfortable feelings just to “ be nice” because one person wants to is counterproductive.

Also, I find it more normal to let people go and not be held back by a misguided need for comfort and not experiencing a void or transition, or feeling of loss. It might be unpleasant, but imo, better than stagnant situations.

Looking back on exes, the only ones I might be curious about were the short lived situations where there seemed to be a connection. Those, I wonder about. The others, they ran their course and weren't positive enough to justify the negative aspects.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/16/2018 12:20:48 AM
Don’t date anybody freshly broken up or separated. It’s still a triangle, and triangles are nothing but drama. You will be used to reassure them they are attractive as they go through post break up healing, and they may get back with the ex. They are not autonomous emotionally and otherwise yet so their flakiness and chaos abounds.

Block all contact. She's right, date someone your own age if you want kids. Maybe she feared you'd tire of her.
No need to be friends. She might keep toying with you but you need to back away, or get hurt and angry again, waste more time.

Find someone wanting what you want, who is more in the same circumstance- no kids, single truly and wanting a real ltr, kids if that is what you want.

Yeah and quit texting so much and being a doormat- highly unattractive to not set any boundaries. Instead, you monitor and online stalk- not healthy behavior.

Some people multi date, but some don’t care for it. You have to decide if you can put up with that, and if not, exit early if that is what you find.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Places for Guys to Meet Women
Posted: 7/2/2018 10:06:20 PM
While the list is good, I think relationship types might do those things to meet new people, as well as because they want to do those activities.

But online brings out the lazy, shy, passive, socially phobic, deeply introverted, hookup types. Cuz there’s always an excuse...why online is preferable to doing any of those obvious social things on the list.

Problem is, online only works if you have impressive or flawless stats, or are above average, and have reasonable expectations but who really has reasonable expectations online or in general? We have evolved to having the illusion we have many options. I think in the past this was not so, as much.

What ime, works for me is a venue of expected interaction and introduction, where one gets to know a group of people for an extended period of time. Volunteering, a class, a job, sometimes a lecture and q & a. Grocery stores, gyms..kinda tough because people aren't interested in these places- it’s unexpected and not organic.

Along with the claim online dating is “efficient”...people seem unwilling to “waste time” on friendships, so they go online to compartmentalize their “date”/hookup needs. But, only through being generally social ( people know people) are you likely make a match, vs only being social if you can meet that ideal date.

I think women go online for relationship searching, browsing, just to see what’s there, and try to avoid the traps of hookup. I think many men go there with the hope to engage in variety, experiences, and try to avoid the traps of bring ensnared in instant relationships. They might settle for one eventually, if Ms. Perfect is there.

If you’re shy, introverted, passive..real life and online might be equal in challenge.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How to Tell A Female Friend She Needs to Lose a Few Pounds
Posted: 6/16/2018 8:13:29 AM
I wouldn't say anything directly. You could praise her good qualities, tell her when you think she’s wearing something flattering, tell her you appreciate that she’s a good friend, eat healthy foods with her, exercise or do active fun things, generally be supportive and positive..

Telling an ex obese person they are too fat could be going too far and produce a bad result for her and jade her completely. She’s an adult and may know all the reasons why it doesn't work with other men, or can figure it out.

However, weight loss is for the person to do for themselves. You accepting her as she is as a friend is what she needs, and the most you could do is the aforementioned vs tell her she needs to lose weight to keep a man, which is objectifying and demoralizing.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 79 (view)
 
Ex won't leave me alone... restraining order?
Posted: 6/16/2018 8:05:40 AM
It’s really about you cleaning up your own issues so these scenarios are in your rear view mirror, never to be revisited.

I get that you're immature, and afraid to be alone. Who amongst us wasn't confused about love in our 20s. However, you're a substance abuser and prematurely aging yourself and creating problems now and in the past and setting yourself up for hitting a wall later in middle age which is 35 online, when you will have way fewer options. Hopefully you won’t still be self medicating with alcohol or god knows what by then.

Time is on your side now, but you are squandering it with people you don't care about just to fill a void and your low self esteem prevents you from finding appropriate, healthy relationships. I hope you figure out how to avoid the wrong people like drunks your dad’s age and work on doing things that make you feel accomplished in a greater purpose.

There is such a thing as being too open minded ( low hanging fruit). Maybe it feels safer and you feel you have all the time in the world. You don't. Your choices do add up over time in an awful way when you hit middle age. That is a stressful time of reevaluation.

Make sure those are the choices that truly matter to you. In retrospect, I would have dumped people way sooner, not given the benefit of the doubt. Once you meet someone who truly cares, vs just flatters your ego, it’s notable.

I’d been doing it wrong up to that point. Maybe we do that to self protect- avoid real involvements, and allow ego massagers in. Take ego out of it. Evaluate the relationship on it’s own terms- do they see you truly, or are you a life raft to save them from themselves, do they respect your opinion and hear your pov, or are you just part of their addiction or compulsion, an escape, etc..

The 20s are an anxious time. It’s hard to be alone. In retrospect, it might be less damaging to be alone than in a string of crazy drama or dumb shit.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Dating advice blog 2.
Posted: 6/15/2018 8:19:23 PM
False advertising, since they will not be offering food nor drink. Nope, they are getting women because their claim to fame is respiration, saying they are non beaters of women, not a bad boy or some such. But the wimmen refuse to see all that goodness and don't choose them because women are unable to choose wisely and need a guy to shake some sense into these dumb, unable to make choices dimwits. That’s how the argument repeats endlessly here anyway.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 15 (view)
 
rare sort of male
Posted: 6/13/2018 9:21:03 PM
If you’re a rare type, it usually means the majority will not particularly appreciate you.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Why do men lie to get a woman
Posted: 6/13/2018 9:00:40 PM
You get the behavior you tolerate.

You didn't listen to your gut, and felt a misguided need to not ask the tough questions, just letting go of misgivings.

That is the problem with long distance relationships, or ones where you don't meet family or friends, or only meet dates from online —it’s harder to really know their story. You need to learn how to vet people.

It’s not your fault he lied, but it’s just what you have to do to not get into these blind trust situations where the story doesn’t add up. And all these details don’t matter. You need to look at the big picture.

———-
I was dating a man from POF for 2 years and a half. Basically He told me that he was looking for a long term relationship that will eventually lead to marriage.

When we first met I was living in the same state with about 1.50 hour distance. I mentioned to him before we got to involved that I was looking to relocate which will now create a 3-hour distance. I eventually relocated about 4 months into the relationship.

We continue to date but there was some issues, in my area there is extreme traffic and he hates traffic. He complained about the traffic, his back hurting you name it. The commute for me was just as bad for when visiting him however I dealt with it because it was our situation.

When we first met and were getting to know each other, I mentioned to him that I was divorced, don't date married men, or men that are involved with other women. I too was looking to move forward in a serious relationship as well.

I knew he had an EX wife that was living overseas however during the relationship I found out that he was filing for her to move back to the States because he wanted to see his daughter. My question to him was how are you filing for her if she's not your wife.

He tells me that you can sponsor someone to come to the state so I let it go.

His EX and daughter moved back to the States about 9 months into our relationship and low and behold to the new area that I relocated to. During that time he would stay with me and visit his daughters. He does have another daughter that was already in the States away in College.

The Ex and younger daughter eventually moved about an hour away from me so he decides he was going to stay by the EX wife house when he visited because she had an extra room and it will save him money.

I was never comfortable with that at all because He did everything to keep us apart. He wasn't trying to introduce me to her nor his daughters.

At one point He did give my the opportunity to meet the oldest daughter however I felt that we were not in a good place and you shouldn't bring people around our kids if they are not going to be around long term so I opt out.

He has also never met my family because of our issues and us not being able to find that happy medium.

My issue is this situation was not apart of our relationship in the beginning. I was lead to believe that I was dating a divorced man, that had a daughter in College and another daughter and EX seas.

I did not forsee having the same issue that He told me his Ex girlfriend left him because of his Ex Wife and like of respect. When this became a problem he was like oh well deal with it.

"Get In, Where You Fit In", I'm like are you serious, Who says that? I don't have to deal with this at all. I deserve to be respected and you should consider my feelings. I'm the kind of woman that will work with you with a situation however you have to maintain a level of respect and concern for my feelings. I did not sign up for this drama and it was not presented in the beginning.

His sister came to stay with him for about a year we spent time together and She gave me the whole run down on him, his marriage and everything. She informed me that He loved me and didn't won't anything to do with his EX.

How much he hated her so on and so forth. Funny thing He will communicate to his sister his feelings for me but didn't communicate to me. In addition she mentioned that in June his EX was getting DIVORCE PAPERS. I'm like excuse me, he told me he was already divorced. She says no he's not.

So that's how he was able to file for her because she's still your wife. I was beyond angry with him because I told him my EX husband lied to and deceived me.

My EX husband told me he had 3 kids when we met and 2 years into our marriage my step daughter told me He had 5 kids. He knew about my EX husband from the start so why would he do the same thing to me. Why would he lie about his situation.

I have not been able to get over this lie and even after his sister told me that He is still married, He continues to deny it. When I try to communicate about my issues and concerns, he doesn't want to communicate about it. He will make me out to be the bad guy and label me as unbalanced and unstable to divert the issue off of him.

Total lies, deception and manipulation. He feels that because I tried to work through our issues that I wouldn't leave. He can continue to lie, deceive and try manipulate my mind but I'm done.

Why do men lie to get a woman? Your thoughts
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Why Return My Interest And Then Vanish?
Posted: 5/28/2018 6:20:11 PM
Because that's one of the options.
1. Return My Interest And Then Vanish
2. Stand you up.
3. Pen- pal you
4. Make excuses.
5. Away on trip.
6. Getting back with ex.
7. String you along.
8. Get involved, disappear.
9. Scam you for money.
10. Show up 60 lbs heavier or 12 years older.
11. Reveal married, separated, and or living with ex.
Etc.
You got off easy!
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Dreamt of an ex last night, now she is stuck in my head!
Posted: 5/27/2018 5:39:15 PM
You need to get some new input, not old dysfunctional input. If you have the coverage, get therapy or group therapy is cheaper or join groups like meet up. They have them for depression, mbti...any of your interests.

Try to find a positive interaction or something promoting self understanding. You speak of anger, impulsivity in unhealthy relationships/ drama, obsession/ distraction.

Find some healthy outlets if not therapy- exercise, healing modalities, volunteer.

As for life not getting better...it can, and it can get worse so that is why you should not jump into situations that damage whatever stability you have.

Action taking, in even small ways help- maybe writing a certain amount daily, meditation for stress, doing something challenging, sleeping enough, taking a class or teaching yourself something new, quitting sugar and things that contribute to poor moods.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 265 (view)
 
I Don't Date Muslim Men With Good Reason
Posted: 5/26/2018 7:07:10 PM
Op, you aren't entitled to not have your time wasted and efficiency respected when that means other people and dating platforms must comply to your wants. That is self involved and unrealistic. People aren't turning themselves out for you, and to think they should is suspect when they aren't even thinking about you or other such disgruntled site users. You try your luck and move on, and some don't even have laws in their own mind set in stone. Maybe they just weren't into your type or profile statements, presentation, and blamed it on your cultural difference because that is all they could put their finger on. Most people are most comfortable with the familiar.

We could all make such demands to fit our parameters and preferences. OLD isnt efficient. They show a load of unattractive or average people who don't line up with our intents and values, for the occasional needle in the haystack. Most are fishing way younger or hotter so it is likely the ones contacting one on a site are “less than” for the most part, rather depressing.
I think apps or platforms requiring reciprocity make more sense than letting anybody contact you, and then getting them hurt or angry or overly hopeful, or wasting their time.
It gives people the wrong ideas about attraction, as if a great msg will change visceral attraction, or lack of. Nobody goes by msgs. It’s that pic or pics, and maybe the sense of intentions lining up or not, shared values, goals, lifestyle, etc..
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/20/2018 12:20:19 AM
The fish aren't biting for your bait, so you blame feminism, man hating and “having baggage”. It can’t be you, right, even though 99.9 % of the time it is?

This post is why you're unattractive to women, and your whole posting history. You are projection personified. Jaded and women resenting and sexist generalizing , objectifying, feeling owed the pick of the litter just for being male.

It appears, like a lot over holdover men you just miss the sex but are offended by equality and anything that isn't about your needs.

In this post you say women are man haters, their kids are baggage, feminism isn't valid and the directive to “just take you on, based on “common sense and decency”.

No, the alleged common sense, and the alleged decency are not on display here or your whole history, with the sexist generalizing, but exist only in your mind.

Besides, you think the bar should be low for men-“ common sense”, not being a total degenerate, wow the entitled minds believe such dreams. Wake up.

You can date yourself as you have been or take in somebody aligned with your thinking, which won’t be women.

That is how dating and attraction works. What you are is what you attract.
Chances are you'd find your similar type frumpy or dodgy.

Online dating is not a wish factory.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Having something to offer..!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2018 4:13:04 PM
Redundancy of this order is like saying you want an honest person who isn't abusive. “ Bring to the table” is similar, but a bit more overt about materialist values. Some only understand those type of benchmarks in evaluating their happiness levels. I pity that, seeing people jumping out of their high rises when the money tanks, or a divorce or business failure, or other bad circumstances.

People couple or marry in a stable ltr really to raise kids and pool money, so it’s that reality. Then, there are a few who may be out of that box, but if you want either to expand your portfolio or raise rugrats, the practical thing is to merge legally. It’s distasteful to some, practical to others. I am of that camp that all the non monetary virtues are what are valuable in a ltr, not to say money is bad, or unimportant in a ltr. I’m just wary of having to trust too much, as in pooling resources. It’s less attractive the older I get and the less I assume others are there for long. It’s a real leap of faith that has to be earned over time.

Anybody making pompous demands, mmnah. You have these strangers doing it, though. Why should you care?
Because she is cute? That happened to a relative, they played the fool, and ended up bankrupt. At least if one is broke or plays broke, you don't have to think you are liked for $ and people who are in your life mean it. But, most people don't want to wait around for that unicorn and tend to inflate their net worth to attract the most attractive partner. Beauty fades though. Yet, people fall for it over and over.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Are you ready to sleep with these two?
Posted: 5/9/2018 1:53:05 PM
Not being a pets person seems a bit rare. They say things like they would without hesitation save their dog’s life over another human. I think this indicates something like misanthropy wrapped up in nice pkging.

Rabid pet lovers who also have a dim view of humanity...not sure if I approve that, as humanity is pretty messed up, but then again maybe a master servant symbiosis is all they can muster.

So, I’m not missing out on anything but a certain lunacy where the dog is their child and family. I mean yes, sure my pet I loved dearly but they weren't my child. Trying to turn a pet into a surrogate child, relative, relationship...maybe
a bit odd because what happens when you have a kid or date or mate? Is everybody about level?

I have seen “ if its between you and my dog... its my dog- he’s been with me longer”. Fine and dandy. Is anyone supposed to care how long you and your dog have been together. Maybe another dog person would be moved, and happy to play second fiddle.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Blocked On Everything.
Posted: 5/6/2018 9:20:24 PM
Some people cannot deal with conflict. That applies to you, and him. It’s hard to be cautious when you like someone, but you did it. Good for you. Sometimes we cannot wrap things up prettily. If you hear from the indignant blocker( is there an unblock feature?, don't fall for the game. Let it go.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 70 (view)
 
What do you think the norm is for dates resulting in sex?
Posted: 5/3/2018 3:29:19 PM
Used to be date 3(which us too early. Hell knows, if one avoided it, a lot of meh ltrs would not have ensued) but cuz the apps and tehnological “ advancements”, people are conditioned to not wait for anything (and believe everything should be instant, effortless and have no repercussions), even if it saves them from loads of problems.

People want reward, gratification, validation, now. People don't believe in consequences, for them. Like fairies, herpes and other stds, hiv, and abortions don't happen to them. They will just ghost or delete you somehow. Why would one want to trust on that level with somebody who has not proven that they are a responsible, trustworthy person?

Our culture does not believe in deferring “ passion”. One should be swept up in spontaneous passion, that is what life is about, having more fun and who thinks about consequences or responsibility for that behavior?They might end up being with a nut, but being in the moment is the preferred acting out behavior- drinking, drugs, partying, casual relations.

The guy or gal can whine if they didn't get sexual validation by date 2. Their revenge to such ego slight is to huffquit, and say the other person was asexual, a prude, impotent, controlling, gay, masculine or feminine. How dare anyone think twice or too hard about sex. It’s supposed to be taken lightly but engaged in, or you're just not winning. Look at Charlie Sheen, winning with all his hiv meds.

Why are the std rates in cities so high? The dumbass mentalities described above.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 7 (view)
 
What do we think?
Posted: 4/24/2018 11:08:22 PM
She likes you but you are not off the charts a 10 or whatever/ dream guy off the bat, is not overwhelmed with lust, but maybe she’s in need of attention and physical stuff so its like she’s saying fwb or just friend.

Maybe she is lonely, maybe personality counts for a lot, maybe chemistry and experimentation are things she’s curious about. Maybe she truly does not know. Maybe she just wants to be taken out and treated well.

Stop worrying about her, do what you feel compelled to do. If her lukewarm or uncertain, playing the field ways bother you, act accordingly.
Take care of your feelings or wants and she will hers. It does not sound promising for the love of your life, but maybe you could be friends of some sort. Sounds like cameraderie.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 141 (view)
 
When's the last time you met someone in real life to date?
Posted: 4/24/2018 9:56:41 PM
Knew gals who did this swinging from branch to branch schtick, hoping from bigger, better, deal type hypocrisy where her guy had to be faithful but she was looking for BBD. Certainly men as well do it too...What is odd is the bald justification publically, like why hide something one might find unflattering. Its kind of reptilian, no offense to snakes.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 69 (view)
 
What are things that you no longer tolerate in regards to dating?
Posted: 3/27/2018 11:40:02 AM
That list of intolerances is so long...maybe the question is what less than stellar traits can you put up with?

I have from my experiences, certain triggers like any narcissism, abusive tendencies, subtlety racist or right wing or religious, or letting me know family and friends are above me, etc...but basically nobody wants to deal with dysfunctional traits. Being that every person is flawed, one wonders what flaws can one, or does one overlook without resentment? It seems there is a zero tolerance and continuing search for the “appearance of flawlessness” fantasy, then people get trapped after an attachment forms.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 98 (view)
 
numb to the consequences
Posted: 3/27/2018 11:18:41 AM
You want to rescue, be rescued, date older men as if you need a paternal figure so you can play rebellious teen?…have low self esteem that any flattery works. Learn to be independent truly, live alone, date as you wish, be honest with everyone, learn why you cannot break things off.

But, first, stop the impulsively jumping into disasters, not speaking up for your needs in a ltr, and if they don't act as they should, walk away and deal with consequences than magically thinking rules don't apply to you. Stop the chaos. It will cease to get you
anywhere fast, you’ll just be old and dysfunctional, not a good look.

As someone who dealt with exes who did nothing for the ltr but balked if I suggested we end things, and wanted to co-vegetate, I have some empathy for that but since you've been down that road, learn from it. Also, I have never been in a sexless ltr, that’s an indicator its over. And, the not asking questions and listening actively- once that’s gone, they are on autopilot. They are not even a good friend.

I don't condone what you did but your bf is like a lot of people who feel they do not have to put in effort after the initial, that’s crap and should be walked out on. If one cares, they show it by being present and showing by action, not neglect and sharing addictions or ill habits.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 197 (view)
 
So many angry single people
Posted: 3/18/2018 12:03:44 PM
Angry online daters yes, probably just sad daters in real life.
Anonymity online leads to the same thing as driveby cutting you off on the freeway types, flipping bird and screaming horns, following too closely.

We live in a culture of aggression( it’s rewarded), be it nasty gossip, or overt hostility. Online is creepy because its public and now all the creepy crawly bottom dwellers can finally get at you.

They might refrain from publicly accosting you because there are consequences. Expect to be beaten up online because there are no consequences to bad behavior. It’s why many people don't go there. I find it odd people can stand the gross talk and threats.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 52 (view)
 
How would women advice givers fare as an average man on POF?
Posted: 2/25/2018 4:47:31 AM
Stop feeling entitled/ aggrieved and you can stop feeling cheated. Which could help you not appear chip on shoulderish. That would be a start.
You, like anybody on the planet have to earn someone’s interest and trust, but that goes against entitled thinking.

You want 20-47 but in prior threads you were older.
Maybe online promotes this “I deserve” mindset.
These same guys come here to complain about women doing what they are doing, going after what they want.

Hypocrisy -not attractive, nor playing poor me victim, or holding and emanating sour grapes tinged generalized anti women condemnations.
Seems the issues go beyond “average” looks.
I see “average” looking men dating everywhere, so it must be...lack of substance and unhappy attitude.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 4 (view)
 
An exercise in human behavior: Has dishonor permeated unassuming and marginally attractive women?
Posted: 11/22/2017 12:16:48 PM
So, you had the error of thought that an average looking woman would be “pure” and chaste, grateful. Instead of realizing you are naive and inexperienced, and you never even met the woman, you turn to saying “all femalekind are rotten- the hot ones are shallow and the plain ones corrupt”. Common refrain here.

Maybe break out of your biases by interacting with women more, perhaps volunteeer work, some cause you believe in...

It could be the process of meeting strangers online is not the healthiest venue, as a lot of comparisons shopping, and various forms of insensitivity happen with this human catalogue shop mentality.

At least, approach it as simply an introduction. Don't use these limited interactions to form judgements on the whole gender, unless you just want to confirm biases from a life where you previously did not have good interactions and relationships. This is your chance in middle age to grow beyond that.

Meet a lot more women, have conversations, be their friend, but being afraid and closing up bitterly after trifles like this shows this process may be too tedious and you yourself might be too tightly wound for it.

I hope you try not to have inordinate expectations next time and try to not globalize or catastrophize like this.
To get to your match you have to be more resilient, and at least not turn into a hater and disrespecter. Think of the positive women in your life. You are doing a disservice by making generalizing anti women statements.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Stop and Start Talkiers
Posted: 9/25/2017 5:32:20 AM
Say, excuse me I was trying to answer your question but you keep interrupting me, and repeating the same commment, which I heard. Either they are shitty listeners or have dementia.

If it escalates, c'est la vie. Maybe they aren't so nice. I knew nice people who will not let you go, and they are " nice" but don't give a damn about your schedule, sharing a conversation vs dominating it , and probably don't give a whit about you in reality.

You are their therapy sounding board, only useful if you respond to their topics relating to themselves. It's vampiric. Feel no compunction to excuse yourself.
If they are of decent friend quality, tell them the truth. If they are a holes, just let them carry on, damaging relationships and block them.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 19 (view)
 
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 10:29:36 PM
Is this a financial arrangement? Who is paying for what? Maybe he wants you to do half the expenses, but does not give a damn, as that's what his actions say. If he pays the rent, then, he's just effing got psychological problems you should get away from. As a mature adult, you should know better than just take somebody's word but all their behavior says otherwise. Should have listened to your gut and not given away all your autonomy, unless you have money to spare moving in and out of homes.

To me, that is a huge step, and only taken, not with some fruit loop online you date for a little bit, but a ltr where you know each other well,and have a track record. Or, you end up at someone's mercy when you have no solid relationship. Moving in is a commitment, and you guys weren't at that stage...likely you would have found out via dating that he is Effin weird. Cannot deal with nonsensical scenarios like this. I mean you could try to demand some answers but again, how long did you even date this person, really and now you have serious problems. I think move out, and wouldn't even date him again. What he did was insulting or shady on a lot of levels. Makes you wonder if he has a secret life or double life.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Boken-hearted - just need a shoulder for a bit....
Posted: 8/31/2017 9:42:20 PM
Apparently, he is nothing but a cheap liar in words and actions.

You lost nothing but a sham sleaze. Anybody worthwhile does not play people like objects to shuffle. Be grateful he only messed with you this much vs dragging it out.

No, don't blame self. Everybody has to trust at some point, take a leap of faith. Look into if this situation had signs. Also, you might have fallen for his script, and the actions belied those. But, you did no wrong, and should beware this type comes back, but don't believe the words again. Ugh.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 13 (view)
 
How to Help Guy Who Hide Stress?
Posted: 8/31/2017 9:26:25 PM
Frankly, just ask how you can help and listen, vs assuming so much or getting smudged boundaries. Sometimes a connection is enough, and frankly it's parental sounding the way you go about relationships. Not sexy to mom people, nor does it allow people to be strong, nor does it allow you to step out of the assuming, all knowing role and actually hear people, nor does it make for good friendships. Maybe some of your perceptions are right, but hold up with unverified assumptions.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Any Experts of STDS/STI's Here?
Posted: 8/31/2017 9:14:47 PM
Maybe you are isolated and reserved, possibly clinically depressed.

After some cognitive therapy to deal with negative self talk, etc.. you want some social outlets leading to friendships, friends with whom you can gain trust over time to socialize with... maybe eventually meeting someone inexperienced, maybe with some esteem issues as well.

I see no reason why not, other than an easily frustrated attitude that youth have today--like it should all happen in a second. Life never happens that fast.

If you have a persevere mentality, you will make small but steady improvements that add up over time vs the quick fix mentality of escorts, Tindr, somehow without repercussions.

Make decisions that invest for the long term not short term, bc the short term is just a trap, a false fix/an illusion of gain when it just brings you back to square one with perhaps more issues.

That means, form authentic relationships (vs transactional)with everyone from family, friends and acquaintances(everybody is one at first).
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Getting to know you
Posted: 7/15/2017 8:51:39 AM
"I see people talking about the need to get to know someone before they agree to go on a date or share information with them and recently I had a few dates with a woman and during conversation I brought up a desire to pursue more than dates/sex and she said she didn't know me well enough to make that decision yet. "

Do you mean you were intimate, thus the confusion?

"To me that's kind of confusing all things considered so it got me thinking. What exactly are people looking for when they say they need to get to know someone better? "

They are unsure who you really are. People can present a facade.

"Personally I'm an open book; when it comes to my personality and who I am what you see is what you get. "

Lots say that, not always true. You are presenting a mixed msg maybe.

"And if you've read my profile you know everything you need to know. My interests and hobbies (All solo pursuits that you're not going to be involved in) , my education level, if I have or want kids... it's all right there."

Why should anybody bother with such rigidity? Be alone.

"There's a 95% chance that I won't be interested in what your interests are so I don't care about those (I'll participate or comment as a courtesy but really... I don't care)."

That would be a great, honest header, would save lots of time and BS.
What could you care about, then? Is it in that all inclusive profile?

"It's exceptionally rare to find someone I don't get along with and after spending my entire adult life working in mental health I've developed the skills needed to be whatever person is the best fit for who I am interacting with at that moment."

Like disassociative disorder? Why should she believe anything you say?

"There's nothing I personally need to learn about the person I'm interacting with that I'm better off learning in advance other than religious beliefs. I can't respect someone that follows any religion at all so I do need to know that in advance so I don't waste my time."

You may want to plunge in, the lady may see warning flags.

"So to me the words "get to know you better" translate to "I'm not all that interested in dating you but I don't have any other offers right now".

Or, you make no sense, she's trying to put a puzzle together that seems odd.

"What does the phrase mean to you? If you're genuinely hoping to learn more about the person, what is it you're actually hoping to learn?"

You are trying to see if they are just manipulating you, or better than some of their strange attitudes, or maybe she thinks she's trying to be fair, etc.etc. Why are you asking, so you can present a certain face, to get her confidence?

It's surprising she has not fled, but maybe you did not say all you did in the thread--tell her that she cannot participate in your interests, her interests do not matter, etc, you suspect she wants to date others, and soon she won't be confused.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 80 (view)
 
how to change who you are attracted to
Posted: 7/12/2017 1:01:09 AM
We have to stop minimizing abuse. There are clear behaviors which define abuse. The link Ibup4it has this list below.
Unfortunately, it's more common than it should be.


1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship an abusive person will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abusive person will question the victim about whom she/he/ze/se talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or be jealous of time the victim spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abusive person may call the victim frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive person may refuse to let the victim work for fear she/he/ze/se will meet someone else, or even do strange behavior such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to watch the victim.

2. Controlling: At first, the abusive person will say this behavior results from concern about the victim’s safety, the victim’s need to use their time well, or to make good decisions. The abusive person will be angry if the victim is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment. The abusive person will question the victim closely about where they went or whom they talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abusive person may not let the victim make personal decisions about the house, clothing, or going to church. The abusive person may keep all the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. Quick Involvement: Many people who have experienced abuse knew their abuser for a short time before they entered a relationship with them. The abusive person comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to,” or “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” The abusive person will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the victim feels guilty if they want to slow down their involvement or break it off completely.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: An abusive person expects the victim to meet all of their needs; they expect the victim to be the perfect wife, husband, partner, parent, lover, friend, etc. The abusive person will say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need.” The victim is expected to take care of everything for them emotionally and in the home.

5. Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all other resources. They may say they are “hurt” or “lonely” if the victim wants to spend time with friends or family without them. If the victim has friends of the gender they tend to be sexual with they might be called a “whore”; if the person is a heterosexual woman who has women friends, she might be called a “lesbian”; and if she is close to her family, she might be said to be “tied to the apron strings.” The abusive person accuses people who are the victim’s supports of “causing trouble.” They may want to live in the country without a phone; they may not let the victim use the car or have one that is reliable. They may try to keep the victim from working or going to school.

6. Blames Others for Their Problems: If the abusive person is chronically unemployed, someone is always “doing them wrong” or is “out to get them.” They may make mistakes but then blame the victim for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on the work. The abusive person will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. Blames Others for Their Feelings: The abusive person will tell the victim, “You make me mad” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” or “I can’t help being angry.” It is really the abusive person who makes the decision about what they think or feel but they will use those feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious blaming statements are claims that “You make me happy,” or “You control how I feel.”

8. Hypersensitivity: An abusive person is easily insulted and claims that their feelings are “hurt” when really they are very mad. The abusive person will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened – things that are really just part of living such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying or being asked to help with chores.

9. Cruelty To Animals and/or Children: A person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. An abuser may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability (i.e., may whip a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease children until they cry (60% of people who abuse other people also abuse their children). Abusers may not want children to eat at the table or may expect them to remain in their rooms all evening while they are at home.

10. Use of Force in Sex: This kind of abuser may like to throw the victim down and hold them down during sex and may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless. An abuser may be letting them know that the idea of rape is exciting. (This kind of non-consensual, violent behavior is different than safe and consensual BDSM or SM (bondage/dominance/sadomasochism): a type of sexual activity that should use carefully negotiated sex play.)

Abusers may show little concern about whether the person wants to have sex and may use sulking or anger to manipulate them into compliance. Abusers may start having sex with the person while they are sleeping or demand sex when the person is ill or tired.

11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel or hurtful, verbal abuse can be seen when the abuser degrades the person, cursing at them or minimizing any of their accomplishments. The abuser may tell the person that they are stupid and unable to function without them. This may involve waking the person up to verbally abuse them or not letting them go to sleep.

12. Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects a person to serve them and may say the person must stay at home, that they must obey in all things, even things that are criminal in nature. An abuser may believe that women, men, transgendered people or genderqueer people are inferior to their gender, are responsible for menial tasks, stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many people are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood – they may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute the abuser is nice but the next minute he/she/ze/se is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

14. Past abuse: This person may say they have abused people in the past but that the person made him/her/zir/hir do it. The potential victim may hear from relatives or ex-spouses/partners/dates that the potential abuser is abusive. An abuser may beat any person that they are with. If the person has been abusive in the past, they always have the potential to be abusive in the present unless they have done intense interpersonal work with a professional around their abusive behavior. If the person is with the abuser long enough, the violence could begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person abusive or prevent a person from acting abusively.

15. Threats of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the person; “I’ll slap your mouth off,” or “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll break your neck.” Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying that “everyone talks like that.”


16. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior of breaking loved ones’ possessions or needed home items can be used as a punishment but is mostly used to terrorize the person into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fists or throw objects around or near the person. Again, this is very remarkable behavior – not only is this a sign of extreme emotional dysfunction but there is a great danger when someone thinks that they have the “right” to punish or frighten their partner.

17. Any Force During an Argument: This may involve an abuser holding the person down, physically restraining them from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the person against a wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me!”
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 25 (view)
 
how to change who you are attracted to
Posted: 7/6/2017 6:27:45 PM
"To anyone who has had abusive relationships in the past, how did you learn to choose better? "

Just some thoughts, off the top of my head. There is no "great, perfect choice" in partners. There are ways to avoid problems, ways to discern who is a better choice, ways to walk away...

1. Learn how to say no in general, without feeling weird-to anybody, calmly, without it getting to a place of resentment or anger. Know how to walk away. It is about asserting yourself, without thinking it's conflict, socially awkward, rude, mean etc....

2. Before self assertion is self reflection/time alone, solitude, work on being the person you want to be, and at peace and serenity as much as you can be. Therapy.

3. Learn from past relationships, family, friends, ex loves, dates, acquaintanceship that never took off. Look at what you liked, what the problems were...

Learn who you are, and if it's hampering you, how you wish to be different.

It's unclear to me if I want to be different. I'm a loner, maybe I like it, maybe I don't. I cannot decide. It serves me, and it does not...Just ponder it. I would want someone who openly can question these things without calling it meaningless.

4 . Respect is a big part of enduring, good relationships, be it family, friends, SO's. One must respect, and be respected.

It is sometimes with bfs and gfs, a grey area. One might be attracted, or needy, but may not be respected, or respect the person.

Or, your values, lifestyles are a bad fitting suit. I look back on exes, and I did not find them respectful enough about certain things. Did I express it? No. I was just miserable or confused by conflicted feelings of wanting to leave, but missing them.

What did I miss? Familiarity, the connection that at one time felt safe, warm, accepting, feeling that I was important/loved by the person, just feeling a need for them, but not knowing why, other than it was a habit.

Addiction?Fear of feeling alone or empty, or having to face issues in my life vs escapism via dating?

5. Communicate honestly, good, bad or ugly--well, do not get ugly. Be civil, even if mad. Don't leave things hidden that you may regret later.

Imo, just reacting through life without understanding self and others is a meaningless existence, and makes it difficult to truly connect. Some do not want to connect.

They want comfort, but do not want to be known, or do not know themselves. They live superficially and simply want to have a measure of control, and the benefits of a relationship.

6. Take time and know the person. Many will exit at this point.. Some love getting involved quickly and don't mind exiting quickly, others are repulsed by head spinning involvements. For addicts, waiting is obnoxious.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 605 (view)
 
The slate is now clean and ready for a new year
Posted: 5/26/2017 2:16:50 AM
I wrote out a long post and poof
In a nutshell
--I feel you talk about power a lot or ego, and self worth.
In our family of origin if we were not shown love, we have no bank to draw from, in our relationships.

If it was abusive or neglectful, the new gf or bf cannot make that up. The person needs to start using non judging language, be patient and allow small gains, simple joys (being heard, hearing people, showing compassion, gaining understanding) and discoveries be the goal, vs "get some magic stranger to love you."

You get love by being loving, and you can only do that if you have been shown love by family or surrogates. Despite dysfunction, I was shown love, and that's more than some got. I do not know how they go through life without a solidified sense of themselves. I think strong people can overcome it, but there is a deep wound there.

Some had every advantage, and others have to heal and undo a lot of pain before they can be emotionally wealthy enough to trust and be intimate emotionally, which is a difficult and life long task.

You beat yourself up at failing to do(well) the most difficult thing for most people. Give yourself pts for the smallest effort--you left your house, you smiled, you engaged, you had a nice few minutes of conversation, etc. Maybe it will take you years maybe it takes one year...to act or stop holding your grudge against yourself.. but what are you waiting for?

Everybody fails in the sense ltrs are pretty transitory or married people may still fail at love.

The common fallacy is somebody else will do the work of loving us, why should we fricken bother? THEY should take on our flaws whilst we resent overlooking theirs. This seems a common, self centric and magic thinking (delusional) attitude.

It's really about being a great friend despite the idea it's a thunderbolt and everything is magical after that. It requires self exposure, trust and being emotionally honest and present. Which, nobody wants to do because we go around building a tough hide and do not want our skin torn to shreds.

Just one of those conundrums but basically don't attempt love feats unless you are pretty healthy and can deal with it. People try to shift blame into the ether--somebody out there hates me. No, it's you. You have to be a stronger-healthier person in a relationship and when you are truly ready, that's when you can participate when options are offered to you.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 290 (view)
 
Love at first sight
Posted: 5/20/2017 10:49:32 AM
It is not "lust" at first sight bc there is a corny soulmate element, that they represent a prototype fantasy of your ideal leading man or woman you held subconsciously in some abstract way, that you ascribe with all the qualities of a perfect, unconditional love.

So, yeah, they have to be usually good looking. Or, maybe resemble somebody familiar that you associate with security and love. Maybe they look like your parent, but younger of course.

Lust at first sight looks a bit different imo. That's about weird momentary curiosity, could be different and varied types, even not physical ideals, just the energy of a person, a momentary intrigue.

Some people seem like an old friend at first meet and others you never quite mesh with, after years. Some call it past lives. It's an intriguing thought. It seems almost comforting.

However, LAFS is usually a way people mythologize their affairs, until there is a rupture. Then, it's.."he was not a soulmate", but a mere earthling.

When younger, the soulmate/LAFS phenom is more buy intoable. People are physically at their most ideal, hopes are freshest.

After 40 the jadedness, the tarnish on the patina, makes it harder to buy into cloying concepts like LAFS, esp when all the evidence is in by then that was mere foolishness.
Many pursue that drug LAFS with younger people.

Or, if one led a a sheltered life and had few experiences, they chase that grail, if only in their head.. A real ltr that's good involves working at it and goes through many iterations, but a key idea is one of selflessness.

The way LAFS is set up seems about dopamine reward centers lighting up, and it seems people continue chasing these highs which are beautifully pictorial in nature, but after you have the good looking arm accessory, you have to do something with it.

Most people don't expect to get it or seem content with possession, but a ltr dies without selflessness. This aspect does not seem lauded, but a sign you are a patsy or unfortunate one.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 18 (view)
 
why no interest
Posted: 5/14/2017 7:22:38 PM
Age range of 47-56? Those guys are not as active as you, most of them. Maybe 40-56.
And, sunglasses pics make one look like they are hiding something.

 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 3 (view)
 
View of OLD
Posted: 5/14/2017 7:12:00 PM

Let me get this straight: I’m supposed to invest an immense amount of time crafting a persona that is a borderline dishonest amplification of the personality traits I think females will find attractive so I can find someone who’s done the same thing just so we can both go out and discover that we’re equally compatible social misfits that might get along just long enough to convince ourselves and others that we are being proactive in developing a relationship and conforming to the social norms that have been force fed to us since childhood?

To me this is like a masquerade party in the Twilight Zone: I take off my prince charming mask just so I can reveal Sloth from “The Goonies" and you remove your innocent princess mask to reveal your jaded attitude and then promptly follow up by removing your presence from my world once you realize that I didn't stack up to your excessive expectations. Does that sound like a typical episode from the online dating diaries?

I don't know what to think in this virtual environment where we can indiscriminately reject dishonest projections of identity, while simultaneously being insulated from the very rejection we dole out. Perhaps we deserve this
play land of false romantic promises, and deferred risk. A freaking solipsistic waste of time.

Real talk in a questionable reality.


Hey this would be better on your page than this:


About Me
Think mythical. Multi faceted and ingenious. Impossible to summarize. Captivating. Creative. Sharp. Articulate. Humorous. Kind to women and children and senior citizens.(and willing to donate his organs for the sake of humanity)

To some extent I am a bit reserved, but warm up quickly to others and tend to be witty and clever.

Do message me if you're: a bit tomboyish, still girlish and princessly, practical, intelligent, and a little sassy with an open mind to new activities and experiences.

Do not message me if you are: a topless dancer, starving artist, a hobo,****ail waitress or bartender, excessively body modified, or are a grifter. It never works out.

I'm trying to find someone who gives me the same feelings that I get when I see my food coming at a restaurant, you know excited and happy and full of anticipation. Is that too much to ask?

Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
Who would win in a cage fight between a taco and a grill cheese sandwich?


This attempt is doing what your thread rant (which sounded honest) said goes against everything you believe?
 Beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 139 (view)
 
Why Is Internet Dating SO Hard!!
Posted: 5/2/2017 6:31:02 PM
Why is every thread title and scenario somewhat ridiculous? As in the answer seems obvious.

Folks do not value relationships with friends or more, since technology interfered with the concept of developing what ties you have, which were gotten mainly from proximity of work, school, social ties, and valuing it and only letting go after you tried to work it out.

There is the illusion some flawless person exists online, that many such people are there...

Then you have kids thinking it's a normal way to date. It's a substitute, a panacea to avoid awkwardness, avoid confrontation and rejection and hide in fantasy, idealized worlds. People lie and augment the image they create of themselves. It's a way to be larger than life.

The reality is rarely as good, but mainly people do not value relationships, so why should finding a good one be easy or how would such people know how you have a good ltr, and value it. All our info is from the media, tv, film, nothing like reality.

What you find plentifully is people who want you share your money, connections, body, like commodities, with dissatisfying or dangerous results. There are higher minded people but those into spiritual sides of life, friendship, loyalty, companionship are often seen as delusional time wasters, when truly all one wants is a status symbol on the arm, or a fat bank wad, or a piece of young ass to crow in front of friends.

It sounds jaded but people are kind of not worth the trouble, most of them, creating more problems than not I found, hate to say it.

I think most hold idealized images of their prince or princess and that hope can make one putty in the hands for unscrupulous types. But coming to that conclusion is so negative and disheartening, people go back to an unattainable and palatable fantasy. This remains in their head always and so online is disappointing. In real life at least you know who you are dealing with more...
 Beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Taking the hint
Posted: 5/2/2017 12:00:31 AM
Yeah well I guess you just want an answer on "why are people lame, or petty, or project their values, tastes, preferences onto you, and rip you to shreds for not being in lockstep with their version of reality" .

They want validation of "being correct or thinking right", when you reinforce their decisions, beliefs, attitudes and opinions, VS contradict such.
Then WHOA you are crazed, devilish, psychotic, insert reviled images...

They collect people that agree, and shittalk anybody that is driving blissfully or peaceably in their own lane. They are so insecure, that shakes their belief systems, the notion
people can make their own decisions that are different from yours and instead of thinking that is an angle they had not looked into, (though it may not be for them), it threatens their survival beliefs.

People will say just tell your blind date some excuse, others say be blunt ...and both say if you don't do it "this "way you are X kind of person.

You have to keep your energy straight and unfettered for positive endeavors
and allow people to make choices for themselves and not get resentful about that.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Girl changes her mind on a guys looks on a date
Posted: 4/3/2017 12:37:04 AM
"out of no where, she says "im sorry but I just dont find you attractive" and walks off. He was confused as she saw all his photos online beforehand which I hear are accurate."

It's different in person. Try your luck there. Ime, people look very different, though sometimes way better. I saw a celeb and they actually looked the same, which was a shocker. Supermodels usually look tiny and like crackheads in real life, and actresses are meh.

"I've been very lucky to have around 50-60 dates although 80% of these have only been first dates with the usual "the date was great/you've really nice but there's no spark/cant see things going forward romantically etc"."


Then your pics may not be accurate, barring a bad personality.


"My profile pics are of the right side of my face and never straight forward. Why? Ive got a really unsymmetrical face. More so that most people. A surgeon put it that the entire left side of my face goes forward and down while the right side goes rightwards and up."


Do accurate pics.


"From my experience, Ive felt like this more so when turned down from an attractive confident woman who cares about their looks. Girls that were (in the eyes of the world) less attractive or were very attractive but had low confidence/depression seemed to want to see me again."


So, where are these lower on scale women? You are being superficial, yet admitting you are insecure about your imperfections. Wow.

This is how everybody complaining here does it--Wah, no one wants me! Upon closer inspection, they have some above average or statistically difficult demands.

Must hike elevations of 5,000 feet, must be middle aged with a 30 waist, must be bone thin past 50, must have no kids, must be child bearing age though I am gonna be way older, must overlook my disability and not be disabled ,must not be the same race, or must be only this race, must make 6 figures, must ride a motorbike and the common must love dogs/pets, must allow me to quit my job, must buy me stuff, must parent my existing kids. I'm not saying people are wrong or cannot get it theoretically, but in several cases, its going to take real work, and time.

" Anyone had experience of this themselves. Any ladies done this?"

Done, what, left? She did you a favor vs setting you up for having a rug pulled out later. You invested nothing but a date. Check your expectations. Its not a relationship until a lot of time has passed and you feel you know them well
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Only short people here?
Posted: 3/13/2017 2:41:41 AM
Only 5-10 percent of women in the US are over 5 feet 7. Who knows in your area. You might have to move. Boston is full of extremely tall people, tallest I have ever seen in a city. Then, there's Germany.
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 116 (view)
 
Racism is not sexy
Posted: 3/11/2017 4:40:34 PM
Actually you seem kinda defensive and misread the point, but carry on raging. I was not suggesting one should date ANYBODY, that one does not have preferences, or aren't allowed to discriminate based on culture or looks or personality.

As for saying a whole race is not attractive, I think it's just a closed minded way to think, but it's their right to be that way, as it's my right to think they are. I have not dated every race, am not advocating such, but the CAPs disclaimer would have put me off because of the mindset of "never", and the reasons behind it.


Everything here ^ is about actual racism. However, we are talking about dating preferences. You don't have to know someone to not be romantically attracted to them. Knowing them "as a person" hasn't got a single shit to do with it. This kind of "categorizing" is extremely benign in every way, and not racist at all.


Nobody said "date all races, and date people you do not find attractive. If somebody said I do not date white people, and it was prevalent across the board, you might wonder about such held preferences. Some are preferences, some may be based on a race ideology. However, nowhere did I say such a person SHOULD date a certain race. The dating categorizing--is for the best, bc it eliminates people you aren't compatible with. DUH, I never said ALL people who choose to date only certain races are prejudiced and should date ALL races--that's your black and white mindset.

Needing to make bold caps rants vs simply not respond to anybody you aren't attracted to, is something you understand, got it.

Yes, even when cutting out a whole ethnicity. Knowing someone "as a person on the inside" is a huge part of being attracted to them for dating, but you can like who someone is "on the inside" all the **** you want...but if you're not attracted to them physically, then you aren't.


NO SHIT. That's not my post.


And not a single damned thing is going to change that, and it doesn't need to. And that doesn't mean that you're "prejudging" them in the way that we mean when we speak of the social problem of racism. Stupid ****s.


Things are not ALWAYS separated. SOME people aren't racist in thought, and simply prefer to date a certain race, and then you have the others who broadcast their ignorant bias, and still, I never said they should date those they deem unattractive. Hence the thread. You think it's NEVER racist in dating. A guy with a preference, does not make a spectacle of banning groups, he just responds to his preference.


Since we're talking about not being attracted to anyone of a race because of their race, is that the same thing that we usually mean by "racism"? No. It's not. You folks are some disgusting retarded ****ed up jackasses, period.

Look in the mirror.


You don't get to drop the racism-card like this and insult the fight against the real thing. Unless you're a ****ed up jackass. You read that right - disgusting retarded ****ed up jackass. Need to read it again? Go back two sentences and do so.

Your momma would be proud. You are not the arbiter of thought and teller of what is racist or not, why don't you go F yourself?
There is no race card, stop dropping dumbass catchphrase, like racist ideology is not everywhere.


You got a bunch of examples of how a person's reason for not being interested in a certain race is from shallow stereotyping...and you think that proves your point? No, it doesn't. It just demonstrates further that you are an insecure disgusting retarded ****ed up jackass.


Projecting again.


The reason for a person's lack of being attracted to a whole race can be racist...but another person's reason can be completely different and not racist in any way - and that means that the state of not being interested in or attracted to anyone of a certain race is not racism. You're a disgusting disrespectful insecure **** if you insist that it is


You read what you wanted to read, not what I said. Anyway, talk about disgusting, disrespectful insecure do not even bother me with more abuse. I got no time for this shit.
 
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