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 Author Thread: Would you heed another’s woman warning about her ex (your new bf) or just persume she is bitter?
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Would you heed another’s woman warning about her ex (your new bf) or just persume she is bitter?
Posted: 8/25/2009 6:38:50 PM
You know, I know exactly what you mean. I kindly talked with my ex's gf when they first started dating. She actually wanted to know if what she was hearing about him was true.

I told her what had happened between us and she seemed mortified, she even told me that as discipline that my ex had tossed her daughter. She even sent me messages of his cheating online. I told her that he wasn't the trouble, but I was not about to break them apart cause I really don't care about his life and what he does with it.

Anyways, she moved out here from Sask, taking her daughter away from her father, and moved into my ex's mother's place, with no job as of yet. And I have just learned that he now lives with them (when I had gotten a place for him). So neither of them have a job and they both live with his mom.

I warned her prior, she was even around when he assaulted me. Still with him, but I don't care anymore. I know they won't last and that is based just on his prior actions.

But hey, I say if there is warrant to tell the new gf, then yes, but don't do it out of spite. There were various warning signs to show that he is an angry and abusive man. So on the other side, sometimes those new girlfriends need to keep their ears open, whether they want to hear it or not. But again, if she is only doing it out of spite, ignore it.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Would something like this be considered in court?
Posted: 5/23/2009 7:18:11 PM

you should go and see the courts to me he sound like a dead beat father and if he has 7 children he should be lock up in jail and throw the key away thats an honest whayt i will say if they are going to let him roam around the streets he should be paying child support but if you were in canada there laws up there are diffrent anyway he must be collecting welfare to sleep around to get woman pregnet ansd hes taking advantage of that and woman are stupid enough to go for these guys


He is actually on AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Hanicapped) for a mental disability that when we were in counselling prior to our separation, the psychologist told him and I that he would never get custody of the kids because of the evaluation and is mental disability. He literally is a 12 year old in a man's body (the evaluation stated that he made decsions like a grade 9 student and thought like a 12 year old)

Was I stupid? I don't know. We all make mistakes, and sadly his mom and him hid lots of things from me until we were married. His mom wanted him out as he had always been living with her (26 years old and still at home, probably because the report also cited and recommended he was to live in assisted living). So she was all nice and such. So it wasn't like I knew all this prior, had I, I would have left him so fast before we were married. But she wanted rid of him, so I was the bait.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Would something like this be considered in court?
Posted: 5/23/2009 7:13:39 PM

I hate to be the one..but if he already had 5 kids...what the hell were you thinking?!!?
OMFG girl.


I am already used to this, especially by those who don't even know my life situation or the details of the matter.

I never knew about his kids until we were married. The two abortions and the 5 month old were after we separated. I didnt know he had the twin boys (5 year olds) until one of his exs informed me, another one (a near 3 year old) she thought it belong to someone else until the dates didnt add up (and a paternity test was done), and JUST TODAY I find out there was a 4 year old... so don't go all "people still continue to blow me away " until you know someone's details. We have been separated for 18 months now.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Would something like this be considered in court?
Posted: 5/23/2009 6:41:30 PM
I guess everyone's situation is different.

I just found out today that my soon to be ex husband has a 4 year old son that he denies. (that is now 2 -- 5 year olds, 1- 4 year old, 2- almost 3 year olds, 1 -- 1/2 year old, and 1 -- 5 month old) Pictures of the little boy look exactly like my ex. This brings the total to 7 kids (including my two) plus 2 abortions.

My question is, how does this reflect in court for custody? Do they look at his history with these kids? He has no contact with his other 5 kids, only my two, simply becasue we were married and his mom is paying for the laywer and making him be at the visits. Would this have bearing in getting custody of them? He's abandoned 5 kids, it would only be a matter of time when he looses interest in my two boys (it actually began to happen within the first year of separation until his mom got a lawyer for him and got a access court order, but not for any of the other five kids)

Anyone who has been in a similar position, please reply and tell me what the outcome was. I don't want to get an "upper hand" to be one of those women that men hate, but seriously, these are 7 kids, and 5 he has abandoned and doesnt see. Only pays support for 1!

Thanks in advance.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Moms over the age of 60
Posted: 5/23/2009 9:53:43 AM

Well, we can control some things that happen biologically. That is what the whole thread is about.


Yes, I suppose we can, but not without the help of medication and such. Otherwise without that pervention we have NO control of what our bodies do. We can't say "Im not having my period this month." The only way that is possible is with a depo shot. So I guess it depends on what your definition of what kinds of things we can control versus nature and the way we simple are
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Parental Rivalry
Posted: 5/23/2009 7:54:07 AM

Arnt children intitled to creating there own ones too?


Yes, they are and that is why we do our best not to say negative things in front of them. In time they will either see what is really happening and come to the conclusion themselves, or maybe one day they will ask me. Until then I dont say anything about their father, unless its something like "We are going to get ready to see dad, have lots of fun." And when they come back I asked if they had fun, if they played outside, etc, but I never ask those questions of "was your dad there, who else was there, etc" It is NOT fair to the children at all!
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Moms over the age of 60
Posted: 5/23/2009 7:41:26 AM

When my uterus stops making eggs, then it means I'm done with the babies... for a man, if the tadpoles keep producing and he's blessed enough to "keep it up" well after his mid- life, then he better invest in some latex or keep making babies.


I just had to say that I love this line! And you are also right that we can't control what happens biologically.

 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Moms over the age of 60
Posted: 5/23/2009 7:39:56 AM

I had a friend I worked with around my age at the time who had to take off work when his dad died. When he got back said sory to hear about your loss. He smiled and said my dad was 100, and he lived all 100 years hard and good. My friend was about 35 at the time and he was not the yongest of the kids. You do the math. Each person is different. I see fat out of shape 20-30 somethings that I say how do they play with the kids and I see healthy 40-50-60 somthings with kids running around playing games.



I agree. I have grandparents who would not be able to care for kids should they have had another child at thier age (they are in the 60's and late 70's). They medically can't do it. However, my bf's parents have foster kids they care for and my bf's dad is in his mid 70's and is playing with these kids, taking them camping, and being their dad for now.

And then yes, I have seen friends who are out of shape and heck even having a 3rd child, but you can see that thier health hinders their ability to spend the time playing. My mom used to feel bad that she couldn't play with us, couldn't come swimming. Now, she has become healthy and just loves taking my boys for a week and just spending time with them, going places, in the swimming pool in the back ward, going for walks, the boys just love it!

Is this women crazy to have a child at 60? I guess to even answer that question you would have to know the lady's details. She is obviously healthy if a dr was able to impregnant her with IVF.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Parental Rivalry
Posted: 5/23/2009 7:27:19 AM

My question is... Why do women and man speak negativly in front of their children about the other parent??? I feel that a child should cherish each parent until they make their own opinion about the parents themself... is that wrong?


I ask the same question. I dont get along well with my ex, actually he has more anger and hate for me then ever before. (he has now been charged with assualt after pushing me from behind after I had picked the boys up from a visit. My ex decided to do this while I was walking the boys to my vehicle and holding my oldest son's hand. So now he isn't allowed to come near me or my bf, but the visits remain as his mom now comes to get the boys) My ex's current gf has told me that he has lots of anger towards me. Which scares me because I know what he is like when he is ticked with someone. And I am scared that I see it affecting our oldest son.

My oldest is turning 3 next month so that gives you an idea of his speaking skills. For him to say "fish" it sounds like the B-word (we always help him with what he is trying to say, so we say "fish" back to him.) Lately, though, my babysitter has heard him say "Momma is a 'fish'". I am really praying that his father isn't saying the B-word in front of him in regards to me. Sadly though I know he would. There have been several outbursts on his part in front of our children where he has said loudly in front of both "you stupid B****, you c***, you dumb B****, f-ing hoe." It makes me sad. I know that I have feelings that I could just yell and scream at their father, but I don't. I know the boys don't deserve to hear such things. They already see it for themselves. My oldest is defiant once he is in my ex's visit time (because my ex's mom has to come get the boys, I have seen my oldest all of a sudden not listen and be defiant. He knows to listen to me and he is a well-behaved boy. I have told him that when he is with me that he needs to listen to me and what I say and to be a good boy. And that when he is with his dad that he needs to listen there too.)

If his father is saying bad things about me in front of them, it can see it affecting my oldest already. He becomes mean to his brother the next day, is defiant, cries a whole lot then he does. And lately, I believe that they separate the boys at the visit (his mom takes care of our youngest, while he just stays with our oldest.) When the boys come home, its definate to see that because prior to a visit they love to play together, after a visit, my youngest wants to play with my oldest, but my oldest son pushes him away, hits him, screams and cries for me to take his youngest brother away from him, he buds in when I am playing with my youngest even if my oldest was at the table coloring-- he comes right over and just buds in. He isn't like this, its like my son changes over night and my heart aches. :cries:

I really can't do much, I haven't even said anything to him or his mom. I know that I can't do anything about what happens during those visits. All I can do at this point is pray that my boys are protected from mean things, that their ears do not hear bad words. I deeply pray this for them each visit. I also tell my boys to have fun as well.

So yes, I ask the same question. Why must some parents feel the need to speak badly about the other parent IN FRONT of the children. He sees them twice a week, can't he talk badly about me when the boys are not with him? Idk... I just want to see my boys happy again (and honestly, they were really happy until they started seeing thier father on a regular basis.) I don't think any parent has a right to be negative about the other.

 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/20/2009 2:56:17 PM

That's what happens when people keep quiet and say nothing for years to come.


I hope you do not classify me in this "group". I stated that HIS affidavit stated that I didn't complain until now... to which is contrary... my parents, my brother, my brother's friend, the church pastor, the family at the church who had their own son pinned to the wall (no reason, family didn't press charges because he stayed away from the church), his mom knew, and our counselor knew... People knew...

And yes, I am sure you are going to throw back at me we all should have done something then... however at the time I couldn't... it was never enough "evidence". The sexual assault on me was the worst.. that I reported.. but the detective said pressing charges would end up dropping because of his mentality... it is documented in a police file though.

And its in the past now.. I can't change anything, I can't go back and report it... however I am trying to do something about it now.
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/20/2009 12:45:09 PM
To answer your questions:


If you have no formal visitation, you are not obligated to let him see them or you can tell him that he can visit with his children if you are there.


We have a temporary court order access agreement with his mom being the supervisor. He sees the boys every saturday from 2-7pm and every wednesday from 6-8.


were you married?


yes, we were... we were married for one year and one month before I kicked him out.


is he on the birth certificates?


He is on our oldest's certificate... he never came to sign the registration for our youngest... so I dont know.


does anyone have formal custody at this point?


As I understand its joint because we are married... that is all I know...
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/20/2009 12:07:40 PM
I applaud your bluntness about my situation... however, there are more details about it that are just too much to put in here... but I will do my best to simplify... As for posting in forums like this... sometimes advice is needed before one can determine the route to take... why do we have friends if not to ask for their opinion from time to time.. I think this is no different.


Then prove it! Do something about it!
You and the other woman need to stop biotching about the guy and start focussing on the children's physical and emotional health. If there is one thing that really irks me is that women will spend an eternity biotching - and posting/responding to threads in forums - about an ex or their boyfriend yet do nothing to protect children.

You're not behaving any better than he is if you do nothing for those children. Who gives a damn about you, your ex, his girlfriend if you are all involved with and are aware of perpetual child abuse!!!!


I totally agree with you and would love to do something about it... but how? I ask because I stated it in my affidavit to the court about him being phsyical during our relationship, about what he did... his affidavit states that I never complained about him being phsyical and violent until now... lots of people know about it... him and his mom are covering it up through his affidavit. He admitted to what he did to our counselor at the time when we were doing couple's counselling.. but when I tried to get my file from them to prove so, they said no, stating they need his permission as well.. to which he won't give it. Right now I can't literally do anything about it! With my last lawyer, we were going to cross examine his affidavit... but that lawyer sucked and I fired him... I see a new one on Wednesday and hope to continue with the cross examination.




WTF kinda reasoning is that? ^^^^^^



Its called him and his mom covering it up... We having something called A.I.S.H. here in my province... it stands for Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped. I did my research and found out that he would have had to had an assessment done to be on this... to which he did, I have seen it... it was done when he was 22 years old... However in his affidavit he states that he only has tendencies towards ADD and has not had testing since he was in grade 2. In this report that they nicely not mention, details a lot that would state he is an unfit parent. The psychologist that was overseeing our counselling sessions even told him and i on at at least two occasions that that report itself would not allow him custody at all!.... But how can I get access to it when his mom has it... denies so... and he denies so in his affidavit. Also, to be on AISH, you need a SEVERE and PERMANENT disability... he claims he only has tendencies towards ADD... So why is he on AISH? Believe me... I want to deal with it. For me to show there is a medical reason I have to wait for this cross examination to happen... unless you have an idea that I can do! I am all ears!




Ummm... how can you sit around (on this site) and allow that shit to go on?
The kids need you more than your ex's g/f does!!!



Because I don't know what to do!!! I just found this out last night for pete's sake!! I am still in shock! Please stop giving me the what for and give something helpful! I already know I need to do something about it. Anyone who lives in Alberta and knows some options, please reply... I admit I am young and I don't know the resources out there.
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/20/2009 9:19:33 AM

I continue to allow him to see our children because I talk to the children, they know if they get to the point that they don't want to see him, I will back them up but they are 10, 14 and 17, they are not little kids.


Our boys are 2 1/2 and 1 year old... They can't defend themselves... her daughter is also only 4 years old... How can someone treat a child so.... so... I don't have any words to describe how mean that is...
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/20/2009 8:16:22 AM
She messaged me again last night. She pretty much told me she was done with him, saying he was 2-timing cheating... and a whole bunch of not so nice words... I guess he had gone out last night at about 9:30 with a "friend"... she left another message after I had gone to bed that it was with another girl.

She told me something that just seriously breaks my heart and scares me to death at the same time. She told me that he tried to discipline her daughter. I replied that he really doesn't know how.... She replied to that saying that he threw her daughter! I started tearing up!... She said right after that he wanted to get a Mazada 6... she asked where all the kids were going to sit (as him and his mom are pushing her to move in and marry him)... he said that he could strap her daughter to the roof and laughed... calling her daughter stupid and retarded. She also informed me that she is pregnant with his 7th child....

Guys... he has a history of physical incidents... however nothing to get a police file on and press charges (except a sexual assault file that I did up last February -- couldn't even press charges cause the detective said that there was a big chance it wouldn't stick cause they would deem him mentally incompetent due to his medical mental condition)

Man... I really do fear for the boy's safety... she told me that he has no patience... gets frustrated easily (to which I had already known... but to know its still happening scares me to death as a mom)... his mom is paying for everything when it comes to the boys, even his lawyer. And you know... the sad part is... I knew even before she told me all this... I knew his mom was doing everything for him... her stating it, just re-affirmed the intuition...

I see a new lawyer on Wednesday to discuss my case.... I am really at odds at what to do... medically speaking, he is not a fit parent... at the same time I know he is their dad...
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 12:38:27 PM
Thank you all for your posts and advise.

 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 12:33:23 PM
The only thing I have asked her is if he really does love the boys, like cares for them as he says he does. (As he has other kids he cares nothing about... 2 are now up for adoption, another he has nothing to do with only because he hates the mom, and his now youngest child he yelled at his girlfriend when she told him that he did look like him... he again wants nothing to do with any of the other 4 kids)... So that was the only thing I have asked of her... whether it was right or not to ask, I don't know...



I think at this point, I won't state anything more about his and my past relationship. If she does want to keep talking about other things, I will welcome that relationship. I just simply hate making enemies when it isn't necessary, ya know? And he has tried to already do that between her and I on a previous visit last year (said in front of her that I apparently bashed her and what not... even though that was the very first time I saw her, never even said hi or spoken to her until this conversation.)
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 12:29:06 PM

I wouldn't say more than you have, and being friendly and benign is ok... It is when the snipping behind the guys back is a bad thing... It seems that you probably did the right thing, and if she were to call again to inquire about issues with her NOW bf, that you tell her you don't feel comfortable talking behind his back... After all the two of you have to remain civil since you have kids together..


When his name has come up in conversation, I do my best not to say negative things about him. Rather she has stated it in some regard. I haven't bad-mouthed him at all to her. I know I have stated that some of things he has done he has lied about and wasn't smart in the situation, but I haven't said anything like "he's an a$$" or anything along those lines. I want to keep it that way, but not totally shun her out too, cause she doesn't seem to know herself what she wants to do about him. (hence the possibility of her doing some of this PI work)
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 12:25:01 PM

But I'm confused, because you seem to be saying that she found out he's cheating on her, and she was calling you to check your take on his behaviour. That seems odd - and also doesn't seem like "long term" potential for them. You certainly don't want to get caught in the middle of their relationship - if he finds out she knows stuff because you told her, will that come back on you somehow?


The stuff I have already told her, wouldn't be a surprise to him, as it is well known about him. But, yes that is my concern as well... I am sure in some way it WILL come back on me.

Thank you for your advice!
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 12:20:21 PM

i don't see an issue as long as your ex knows about it. sneaking around is sneaking around, it's not cheating of course but there's a level of trust (more on her side than yours, obviously) that's inherently being broken/violated.


I know, in the past, when I was still with him, when his ex's would contact me or talk to me, when I brought it to his attention he got pretty upset with them, calling them and yelling at them. Even if it had nothing to do with him! I know I can and am in position to be the one he can yell at.

Even if I did tell him "Hey, me and so-and-so have been talking", he would instantly get upset by that (now I have no idea why, cause should she be the one he stays with for longer then the most he has, she does interact with my boys and thus, shouldn't there be some level of communication?)


or, i don't see it as aproblem as long as you aren't comparing notes, i.e. regular female friend.

as i do with most situations in life, i turn it around and see how i'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. i.e. how would you like/feel about your boyfriend comparing notes with your ex?


Not sure if this does fall in the category of comparing notes. She asked me some questions and I answered them based on my experience when I was with him. She may be comparing her own notes, like I said I don't really care what he does within his life other then our children.

When he has found out in the past, he pretty much tells his own ex's (or pretty soon myself I am sure) to never speak to any of his girlfriends... kinda controlling, but whatever. However, this wouldn't work, cause she is already involved in our boy's lives... so I am sure there would come a time when we can't "not speak" to each other. I just know if I bring it up to him that he would get ticked just that I even said hi to her... let alone anything else. And the same would happen to her... for her and I, its like a no-win situation in telling him....
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 12:09:07 PM

: Is he the father of your children? Is he the father of her child?


He is the father of my two boys, and he is NOT the father of her daughter.


Now that you've spoken, I would let sleeping dogs lie. Stay out of it. You don't need the potential drama.


Agreed, I have enough drama alone with the divorce and custody, but do I simply not say hi anymore? Only reason I ask this is because she is instigating the conversations, not I. Or we continue to speak, to never speak about him and anything relating to him?
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Ex's Girlfriend Messages Me!
Posted: 2/19/2009 11:56:21 AM
okay, so I did a thread search and didn't find anything.

So this is weird. I received an IM on Monday night from my ex's girlfriend. I had no idea who she was and what not. I have no clue who his girlfriends are most times, and besides that I really don't care about his life anyways. But this is weird. She wanted to know if the things she was hearing about him were true. Now I know in these situations to be careful as who knows what her intentions are. I had let her ask the questions and merely replied with answers that weren't vague, but also not descriptive either. I pretty much told her that I didn't want to break them up, that I had no hatred for her, that I wasn't this mean women he was making me out to be. She told me about some situations with him that she had noticed and asked me about them. Like I honestly do not know what to do. I know what he is doing to her, he did to me (cheating on her while she isn't around, as she now found that out). We talked for about 2 hours. She seems to see him for who he is, and keep in mind, this is the first time we ever talked!

She told me she doesn't want him to know that we are talking (red flags possibly) I could see myself getting along with her, and thus I have no anger or hatred towards her, she has stated that she thinks my boys are adorable and cute, getting along with her 4 year old daughter. I don't have a problem with any of it. (she actually thought I had hated her only because she was dating my ex-husband, I told her I didn't, rather I never even spoken to her before.)

What I am asking, is there anyone that has found themselves in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it? Is it smart to have communications with your ex's girlfriend/boyfriend? Should I just stop talking to her? I know if I keep talking I should be careful of what I say.

Thanks guys!
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Our childhood experiences influences parenting
Posted: 2/15/2009 7:23:18 PM
I believe as most have put that, yes, our childhood experiences do influence our parenting.... whether good or bad (and we all hope for the good)

I am sure we have all in our experiences have said "When I have kids I won't do that", or along those lines.

Experience is a good thing to learn from, whether that experience was bad or good for us, we have learned something from it and because of that it has an influence in the way our lives are, and not just in parenting, but may come out in that regard because parenting in itself is a huge undergoing.

Kudos to life experiences!
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
custody issues
Posted: 2/10/2009 12:38:53 PM
Sometimes I wish my ex was like you, wanting to take the boys more often.

The only advise I can give you is to just document all the times you call, all the times you offer to take him, all the times you ask to see him. Just document. Make things right in your life, prepare a bedroom for your son in your home if you haven't already, things to show your son is first and foremost in your life. The courts want facts and evidence... give them this. Unfortunately, getting what you want may take more time then what you wish it could be accomplished in. Just be the best darned dad you can be when your son is with you.

I am sorry to hear how this must be heartbreaking, I am sorry women like this do this to men like you. Its petty if you ask me.
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Reasonable access for infants
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:19:15 AM
Option 3 it seems. No room for women bashing here freetime (or assumptions about women). Here's an alternative perspective:

Women have been socially conditioned (and socially constructed) to be the primary caregivers for centuries - it is only in very recent times that fathers have had primary care involvement - hence it will take time for several generations of fathers (on a general, collective level) to internalise what women have had access to for generations (despite little economic or social status attached). In other words, we had no choice but take up the primary care function because legally, morally, psychologically and socially, women were expected to perform these functions on the basis of being born with female genitalia - this is the result of patriarchal discourse (up until 1930's fathers had automatic legal rights to children and property) and essentialist assumptions about gender. Individual men have responded to this with the development of masculinist constructs that incorporate ideas associated with recognising the responsibilities inherent in raising children. Individual women have developed feminist constructs that respond to this by letting go of the aforesaid social conditioning.

Individual men and women still are struggling with these issues. And so humanity continues to develop - it requires self reflection and new ideas.

Babies require secure attachment with people (mothers, fathers, grandparents, extended family) in order to appropriately develop trust and functional life skills. Secure attachment for newborns requires daily, responsive, active people TO BE THERE.

This guy has CHOSEN to be non responsive, it is not her role to continuously "encourage" him to engage in a relationship with his child (afterall, no one encourages women to be engaged - we just do because there are no other options!!)

The consequences of HIS actions are that he will not develop a life enhancing relationship with his child - his choice.


Very well put!!! If only everyone could think more "outside" of their own narrow vision and situations as you have done.

Yes, we all agree that the father should have access to his child no matter what. That is not in dispute, but as the above poster just mentioned it in different words, an infant, children in general, need a stable and loving environment.

In a perfect world, we would love to have the father's involved, but the truth is, we can't control anyone, but ourselves. And thus, all these petty fights (woman bashing and men bashing) ends up occurring, mostly out of frustration in our own situations. But we fail to see what is really in the midst of it all.... these kids.

Infants and children need stability, consistency in their lives... to have fathers (and even mothers) pop in and out of their life isn't always good for them either. Infants especially have to rely on us by trust! They depend on us being there all the time for their needs. (and I mean us with both genders included).

My ex has visitation every Wednesday and Saturday. I don't mind, its finally court ordered and I don't have to hear him blaming me for not seeing our boys when in fact prior to the court order, he just simply never called or always canceled. It just showed what his true priorities are in life. A good example is our second son was born on Jan 31 last year... he never came to the hospital to see him, I called him he said he was coming... never showed up. For the first 10 months, my ex never asked to see him, but had always complained I kept our son away from him. Now that he finally gets to see him on a much more regular basis... considering his 1st birthday is next Saturday, on a day he has a visit, he has chosen to go to the next province to take his gf to a concert instead of being there for his son's 1st birthday. Now you tell me what his priorities are in life....

Another example was our oldest son spent two weeks with my parents in Aug last year. I told him that I still had our youngest and he could call anytime he wanted to see him. In the two weeks our oldest was gone, he never called to see our youngest... he had simply sent me an e-mail at the beginning of the two weeks, mentioning he would see our oldest when he returned... then I didn't hear from him for two weeks. And the kicker is, after that he then started saying our youngest wasn't his... did so for awhile and then in his affidavit claims that I taunted him saying he was not the father... and this man is 29 years old. Pretty petty crap if you ask me. Our children deserve better, they deserve stability and loving parents, something my ex has yet to figure out.

We don't push these men out of our kid's lives, they do it to themselves. It sounds like the OP is in a similar situation. Despite her attempts at arranging times for the father to see their child, he still refuses to do so. OP, my advice for you is to just simply enjoy your time with your child. When the father does call asking for a visit, never deny him, but simply state that because he isn't in the child's life all the time that you will be present to make sure he is comfortable, and I mean comfortable in being around a young child that by the sounds of it, he doesn't really know. Infants need to learn to trust those that take care of them, and I think it is very reasonable to say that for the first 3 visits or so that you are present and the visits be like 2-3 hours long. Nothing more... as the child gets older, then you can look at day visits and overnights, but at this point, until the father shows more initiative, you are doing the right thing. Always let him see your guy's child, always make those plans, even if he doesn't show up. Your child will one day see that at least you tried to involve their dad in their lives. In the end, the child will see.

Good luck OP. I hope things turn out for you and your child and hopefully soon, the father will realize what he is missing out on.

 IrishGurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
1 dad, 2 kids, 2 different Mothers...
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:09:30 PM

Kelley im sorry i misunderstood you then, thanks and you 2-hugs


*hugs*... and its Irish, not Kelley lol.. no worries! Oh Happy 2009 to us all!
 IrishGurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
1 dad, 2 kids, 2 different Mothers...
Posted: 12/31/2008 3:44:49 PM

Irish, I believe Sweetness was referring to the fact that you stated that "at least you had 2 children by the same father", and felt you were implying that it was somehow "better" than having children by 2 different fathers, despite the fact that your ex was already a trainwreck in that department when you met him. Whereas other women may have 2 different fathers in their lives, but they were fathers that took care of their children and their responsibilities.

You can look at as 6 of one, 1/2 a dozen of the other.......just be aware that every word that you type will be scrutinized and judged.....it's just what happens here, in my humble opinion.


Very understandable and I quite agree with your entire post. I can see how that can be meant in such a way, but you would have to be reaching really far to get the meaning Sweetness was implying within my post as what I had said meant only for my specific situation with the other women involved and not as Sweetness had taken it to be so. And at the same time I NEVER said that better than then having children from another father so I have no clue why that would even be said by her.

However, it is also as simple as her asking "Is this what you meant?" instead of going on a spree of taking things out of context. Then again this message board is not very supportive to begin with when it comes to people in their situations. Too bad people would rather judge then help with "good advice" and not put downs. Obviously nothing can be done about the past, so why is it that these people feel the need to judge anyways? IMO (does not need to be answered as its a random thought meant to provoke thought).

Sweetness, no hard feelings, just please don't assume things that are not there. Happy new years to you and your two children :)
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
1 dad, 2 kids, 2 different Mothers...
Posted: 12/31/2008 12:41:27 PM
Hmm. The way you described it sounded like a deadbeat to me. But maybe to others thats a normal father. Whatever.
Well some of us have messed up so bad to have kids from different parents. Why judge em for it right?
I messed up so bad when i wanted a second child i chose an emotionally, financially, loving and caring and capable man that wanted a child to do it with. How dumb of me.
Should have just kept procreating with the loser that fathered my first one so they would be from the same dad. Yeah. Thats where i screwed up in life. I see the light.


Ahh the sarcasm... could we just simply do without? But alas you seem to think otherwise by going from one extreme to the next within your posts. And again, your words not mine to the above... I could care less about your situation as I have not a clue within it, except for what you have shared.

Of course he is a deadbeat dad... his actions speak so... I never said that in my post however, you chose to say it for me.

I NEVER said that those who have kids with different fathers/mothers are more messed up Geez to where do you get your information from? And by the way... I will have another child by a different father when the time comes (as stated in my first post)... hmmm puts me in the same boat as you (to have two fathers) except I would have one more child... Geezz... wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to say all the things YOU SAID that apprarently i meant??? like wtf

For the love of GOD stop reading into things that are not there and twisting it into something it is not to fit your twisted meanings!

OP, just be proud of you kids! That is what counts the most. We can't do anything about our past, but we can sure make a difference for our future and it starts with the present. Love and cherish them as you have... You can never go wrong when you do you best.
 IrishGurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
1 dad, 2 kids, 2 different Mothers...
Posted: 12/31/2008 11:41:28 AM
^^ Desertrhino ^^

If that was directed towards me... lol... my answer is no. I simply just don't like someone taking a sentence out of a paragraph to make it say something I never intended it to do. Its pathetic and petty in my opinion... The best thing is that they should simply state so themselves.

LOL... but ya I really don't care as I have said before, I have done my best and am proud of what I have accomplised.
 IrishGurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
1 dad, 2 kids, 2 different Mothers...
Posted: 12/31/2008 11:22:18 AM

And yes, I have two with him... but at least my two kids came from one dad. The thing is to not judge.


At least what?
Oh ok. Got it now. Its ok to choose deadbeats as long as the kids are from the same deadbeat. Wouldnt want to learn the first time.Gotcha


Thus the peanut gallery who tend to want to make it mean something for their own reason to which is beyond me.

To miss sweetness: What made you say that considering I never did? Not very nice to make up things that are not meant to be there just as you have done. YOUR WORDS of "its okay to choose deadbeats... etc" is NOT mine, so please do not use any reference to my post to fit yours, cause it does not work, and you obviously take the context to fit your own. Pretty sad.

Considering I am the author of my post I shall explain its context better since you clearly do not understand and chose a completely different meaning for it. The words "At least" are not meant as you claim to say.
but at least my two kids came from one dad.
I said this because I was merely stating that through all my screw ups and mistakes on decisions at least I didn't "mess up" so much to have kids with other dads, which was by all means possible during my past. Then I put on the end
The thing is to not judge
Why do I add this? cause of exactly what you just did. You judged me and my post to make it turn into some kind of who knows what to fit your "deadbeat crap" to which I never once mentioned anyone (not even my ex) being a deadbeat. You don't know anyone's situation and not even know the context used in their post and then decide to make a left field comment like that? Come on already... people these days!
 IrishGurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
1 dad, 2 kids, 2 different Mothers...
Posted: 12/31/2008 11:02:07 AM
A lot of people gave some good advice.

Realize you can only do the best that you can. I am on the flip side of your situation, with slightly different circumstances. My ex husband to whom I currently have divorce issues with is the father to many kids of many moms. It breaks down like this.

-- 5 yr old boys (twins) are up for adoption because mom can't take care of them and he doesn't want custody of them (mom #1)

-- 2 1/2 year old daughter who he claimed was not his, had DNA test, daughter is his, pays no support and sees her on an on-off relationship (mostly off) (mom #2)

-- We have a 2 1/2 year old son and 11 month old son together. For this whole past year he has no cared to see them at all. Even his mom and himself claimed our youngest was not his. (I am mom #3)

-- Just on Monday another one of his ex gf gave birth to yet another boy that belongs to him (Mom #4)

-- The mother who has the 2 1/2 year old daughter, again became pregnant with his would-be 7th child, but she got an abortion paid by his mom. (mom #2)

So that is a total of 6 kids this guy has. And yes, I have two with him... but at least my two kids came from one dad. The thing is to not judge. WE ALL have had our trouble times and our screw ups and what not. The point is to focus on the positive of what you have. You say you are a proud dad. Be so! Yes times may be tough when it comes to our "baggage" and other people will always make those stupid comments like they know what you are going through. Ignore it as its not worth your time to listen. People have asked me over and over again what the heck I was thinking... You know, why should I answer them? I don't have to, they wouldn't understand anyways. What I can say to them is this -- "Look at what I have now and have done with what was given to me at the time. Am I no less of a person? I think I have done the best for my boys. I got out of a really bad relationship, found an awesome man that accepts me and everything that has gone on in my life and what it carries and on his own is willing to be a part of a ready-made family, we have bought a house together and making the most of life!" Now is that a crime? LoL... The thing is to do your best and pay no attention to the peanut gallery that think they know everything there is to know.

Another take on this... Our society is ever changing on what is acceptable and what not. What is not acceptable now (having kids from more than one partner) may be acceptable in say 5 years. Would that make it right, no. Children should be brought up in a two parent home as best as possible! But when that is not possible, the next best thing is to do the best that you can which to me you have already done.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
What to Think... The Ex has a sleepover boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 6:06:04 PM
I didn't read the entire post, only the first page.

I think I sum up a lot of everyone's post when I say this: What happens at your ex's place is none of your business just like what happens at your place is none of her business. (UNLESS your children are in danger)

You say you are more concerned for your children as they are depressed and sadden to leave. Have you ever consider they feel the same way leaving their mom's? They just spent a week with you! Of course they are going to be sadden to leave.

Not going to play a blame game, but honestly who really cares? I think in some way you still want total control over your kids, when in reality you have to realize its now 50/50! You have had your kids meet somone new just like your ex has. You just haven't corssed hte line into sleepovers with kids here (which will end up happening regardless of you saying no at this point)
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:41:02 AM

I find it incredible that someone who has purported to document their ex's activities since 2007 would not even bother to read said ex's affidavit prior to a court date, and by "incredible," I mean "not credible."

It's an easy adage in legal matter that "the one with the most documentation wins," but unstated in that adage is the required discipline and habits that go with compiling such documentation, and an intense interest in the other side's activities and motivations is one of the minimums. Claiming voluminous documentation but not bothering to read affidavits is like claiming to be an athlete but not bothering to exercise. It just doesn't fit.


I understand your view and totally agree with you. I suppose I should clarify: I didn't read his affidavit in detail. I looked it over and what I agreed with I didn't bother with, and what I didn't agree with my lawyer and I focused on and then added my concerns to my affidavit. Sorry if that wasn't clear the first time. :)
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:36:07 AM

It's a pity that your custody has to come to all this fighting in court, but I have to side with others when they ask why you even were with this guy in the first place. You say all you knew about was the ADD... so you never caught on that he acted like a 12 year old or had severe anger issues until councelling? You slept with this "man" and now you have to deal with it. He's obviously going back to change his story because his lawyer is coaching him every step of the way... according to your story, he'd be too immature to do this on his own.

I'm also going to play devils advocate here and say... there are two sides to every story.


I agree, it is a pity that this has to go to court.

However I did not ask to be judged on my decisions to be with my ex. How can you judge someone when you don't know their life? Sure there are two sides to every story, but regardless, this post (for the last time) is not about my decision to be with my ex and everything else! Its asking if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what their reasons were; not to judge me or my decisions. I may be only 22, but it seems to me the immature people love judging people in their situations and not even bother to answer the original post...

Geez people.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:29:21 AM

Irish,

Since he started the proceeding, he gets to file an Affidavit laying out his reasons, then you respond to his (I find it odd that you did not read his b/c one typically answers the allegations contained~but whatever), and then he gets to respond to your reply. Then the matter can be adjourned repeatedly for various reasons.

Court is never a quick fix, and it can take a lot longer than you think (I've seen these things go on for 5 years or more!). Be honest in your materials and don't allow your lawyer to engage in "strategy" and in the end a Judge will see through the crap and make a decision.


Thank you. I know it seems odd that I didn't read his affidavit. At the same time though, I didn't want to stress myself knowing that it was mostly lies anyways. I wasn't overly concerned about replying to his affidavit, but rather to give truth to what happened during the visits, the canceled visits and the ex not showing up, all to which he just blames me for not letting him see the boys. In essence, I just wanted to lay out my concerns, what I had agreed on, disagreed on, and whatnot. And we did address some of the things in his affidavit, but for the most part, his was full of the "blame game" stuff.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:10:46 AM
All I had known was he had ADD. I never knew he had brain damage or a low IQ for that matter.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 10:09:50 AM

Hey, YOU picked him as a partner, lover AND to be the father of your children. No need to get all defensive. We're only pointing out that if people made better choices in life, they might not find themselves involved in such problems and sounding so clueless.

Further, YOU started this thread. If you weren't willing to hear EVERY possible comment, including the ones that you don't agree with, then maybe you shouldn't have posted here? Again, this speaks to your ability to make sound decisions and accept the consequences of doing so.


As to my knowledge of this topic, NO ONE has posted anything in regards to is people made better choices. Are you perfect that you can say such a thing?

I know I started this thread. But this thread was started on the topic of court process, not attack the decisions and whatnot of the poster. I understand that certain people feel the need to point out these kinds of things, but why bother posting if you don't answer the question? The point of this thread is to see if anyone has been in a similar situation in regards to this type of court matter, and yes I posted some background information, but I did not ask for comments on them, nor people's opinion about myself or my ex. I ASKED for opinions on the matter of the court being adjourned and what reasons those would be. And its people's "sound decisions" to post that I question!

As for my ability to make sounds decisions and to accept the consequences... hmm isnt that what I am doing now? Accepting the consequences of having two boys (who I don't believe to be consequences of a failed marriage) and going to court? And how about a sound decision of already going to school, getting a college education, getting a job in IT, buying a house to better the life of my boys. Hmmm I think you do not know me to even question my ability to make sound decisions. How about this one: I am paying for my lawyer and his mom is paying for his. Who has sound decision making skills here?

Once again, don't bother posting if you can't answer the question of the original post!
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:54:30 AM

And you still procreated with him?!


Now does this answer the question I asked? Your comment is not needed because I am sure your life is full of these kinds of questions yourself. And for your information, I did not know about most of this until we started couples counseling a year after we were married and his mom sprung this report on me. In essence, she didn't tell me, cause she wanted to get rid of him. So unless you answer the question I posted with my first post, no other replies are needed. THANKS!
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:24:10 AM

BTW, I have to say that IMO, there's nothing wrong with someone wanting to own firearms and is probably not a justifiable concern in the courts eyes. If he's responsible, mentally stable, isn't a convicted felon, and keeps them in a safe & inaccessible place, then he's well within his legal rights.


I probably wouldn't have a problem with him owning a firearm. However, with the threats he has made to my bf and myself (which we made a police report so that its documented), the fact that he was born with brain damage, a tested IQ of 60, the decision making skills of a grade 9 student, the thinking ability of a 12 year old, an aggressive anger that I have witnessed him attack two other men in public and when asked why he doesn't know why, ADD which affects his driving to the point where he lost his license for 3 years and even I was in a rear-end collison while pregnant with our first son because he focused more on what was on the stereo, and this ADD also has affected him where he has ignored our first son while we were together, and constantly lies no matter what. If it weren't for all this, I wouldn't have a problem with the firearm. Keep in mind he was tested by a psychologist and they even recommend he be on assisted living.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/12/2008 9:17:26 AM

Just because they've sworn to tell the truth doesnt always mean everyone will be truthful. Why did you not read his statement? Was it not made available for you to read, and to respond to in your affadavit? It would seem that your statement would be in response to his, so Im confused as to why you did not read it.

Sounds like you're right though, in that they needed to regroup after reading yours.


I read some of it and most of it was his reasons as to why I was refusing access. An example was he called on our son's second birthday and in his affidavit it said that I refused to let him speak with our son. Well, that is not what happened. We were at my parent's place and he called and left a message at my house 7:17pm that evening when we were away. I talked with him later around 9pm on messenger. The boys were already in bed and he made no reference to the phone call. The reason why I didn't read his affidavit is because most of it is based on his own lies. I wish that this weren't the case, but he is mentally not there (he was born with brain damage, has ADD, and constantly lies, and his mom even knows this). So my lawyer and I thought it best that in my affidavit we put the truth of what was going on (reference the documentation and counselor/psychologist notes -- they even state he would never obtain custody simply because of his mental state, and the threats he has made along with the possibilty of a firearm to which we have no idea why he needs one.) I am not saying I am perfect in all this, but there is a difference between what has gone on and making up as you go along, which he seems to be doing. My lawyer (and my dad who has gone through a very similar process) informed me that the judge has their original affidavit, mine, and this other one they will present and the judge will wonder why they needed to change theirs.


or there is the remote possibility that other matters concerning the court came up, and maybe it had nothing to do with your case at all.


Quite possible too, I am simply wondering why, cause it would be nice to have this dealt with already.


your solicitor shouldnt be making wild guesses hun


I should have stated this better, he said that it's likely once they get my affidavit that they would adjourn the court. He did not know the specific reason, except to say that it would have to reply to what my affidavit says.


both partys have the right to adjourn 3times before a hearing & its generally done on the court set date


LoL... no wonder these things take so long to complete.


just be sure you know what you want re-custody & access ready for the day its heard if you change your mind 2much the judge desides...same with your ex the judge will get the idea that he plays games


I have nothing to hide and have no need to re-do my affidavit. In it outlines everything I would like in regards to access, custody, support, and whatnot.

Thanks guys for your replies. I simply just wish things were dealt with, cause I am tired of the false accusations to "restricting his access" when he is the one restricting himself. Using the most stupidest excuses not to see the boys and then say it's my fault in the end. I am sadden that its going to take a judge to decide the access and custody arrangement. *sigh*
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Court adjourned?!
Posted: 10/11/2008 7:39:26 PM
Okay, I did a thread search and nothing like this has been posted. So I begin:

My ex and I have no access in schedule in place. I have tried to be available to him, but sadly he cancels, doesn't show up, or his gf answers the phone and swears at me the day of the visits. However, he claims I have been "severely restricting" his access. Unfortunately for him I have been documenting since November 2007 every visit, phone call, what has gone on during those visits. Because of this him and his lawyer filed a motion with the court on access, custody, and CS. No biggy, its about time! Anyways, last friday I spoke with my lawyer and we did up an affidavit as my ex had already done one. I never read his and just put in it all my concerns regarding the access and whatnot (the threats to my bf and I, the abusiveness of the phone calls, and the alarming notification that he was getting a firearms even tho he does not hunt and works in a warehouse) So yesterday we were supposed to go to court. I get there and look for my name on the list and realize it had been adjourned to next Friday!

My lawyer told me that its mostly likely because they read my affidavit and realized they needed to change theirs in a hurray (hence the emergency motion yesterday morning to adjourn the court) Now what I don't get, is we are swore to say these things are true. I did and in no way going to change mine no matter what his will say (bear in mind I never read his first one).

My question is this: Has anyone experienced this? (whether you were in a similar situation like mine or on the other end like my ex) If so, what was the general reason behind this? I am just curious on this matter. I figured he swore his to be true like I did, what is the sense to go back and change that? Is that even allowed?

Thanks!
 Irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Bending over backwards
Posted: 9/24/2008 2:57:05 PM
I totally know how you are feeling.

For me it has gotten to the point where I have told my boy's father that I will see him in court to deal with his access. He calls to make plans and I arrange my schedule accordingly always accommodating him. He has called and canceled because he was tired, and the last time he never showed up even though I had been waiting at the park for an hour (and when I called him, his gf answered, spoke a lot of insults for no reason and never let me talk to him.. and he is 28!!). And he lives in the same city as me!!

As much as I want my boys to see their father, he is being... let's say, immature about seeing them. He has claimed that I am "severely restricting" his access, even though my documentation shows that he has been the one canceling or never calling. (If I can't make it to a date he wants, I quickly give him an alternative... I am the accommodating one)

I have gotten to the point that if he really wants to see his boys, he can apply through the courts to get it. I have wasted a year bending over backwards for him to see them, and even then he mostly cancels. So my advice is, if he really wants to see your son, he will have to apply for access. I know you want your son to see his dad, but just face it, its not doable at this time. Just live your life with your son. If you want, an idea is to send an update once a week to your son's dad and maybe a picture or two. And tell him if he wants to see your son that he has to make the arrangements with you and that you are not doing it anymore. Don't even listen to him telling you to be more flexible. That is just mind games. Make sure you DOCUMENT everything. That is the biggest thing. Then he can't say that you restricted his access like my ex is doing (thankfully I have been documenting since last November)

Good luck with everything.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Help! My daughter wants to get married!
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:31:36 PM
Glad to help

As for your next dilema (got to love the craziness of weddings and anything related) who cares about etiquette... just because its not proper to have a reception doesnt mean anyone should opt out of having one. Who really would care??? the reception police?? lol.. in all seriousness, if a reception is what they want, go for it. just becasue etiquette says you shouldn't doesn't mean you need to listen to it. That is the beauty of all the various wedding styles out there. The bride/groom make the wedding theirs in their own way. There is no law or rules to how a wedding should be, there are guidlines, but that is it they are guidlines

(this reminds me of the line from Pirates of the Carribean. you know, when Captain Barbosa says to Elizabeth "And thirdly, the Pirate's Code is more of a set of what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules".)

 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Help! My daughter wants to get married!
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:17:00 PM
Your parents supported your decision by keeping contact with you.


So are you suggesting that the OP disown her daughter and loose contact with her just because she doesnt like what her daughter as an adult has decided? Get real! What is a family for then? A family is a support group.


You learned that you can do whatever you want and they'll help you. If you didn't have that crutch you very well may have thought twice about doing the detrimental things that you have.


Not at all. Even if my parents did not support me, doesnt mean I would have thought twice. What it would have done was create resentement within my family. What I learned is I am responsible for what I do. My parents are not crutches in the least bit.


Your parents did exactly what the OP has done in the past-- helped her daughter out of jams.


You know, I think you have no clue what being a parent is. BTW, I checked your profile. You have no kids. What makes you think you know everything about this? You have no experience in this area whatsoever. You are not a parent. Your opinion is just that. And by the sounds of it, you have a lot of learning of what a parent is before you beomce one yourself. There is something called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I suggest you learn that.

My parents have not helped me out of jams. I have been doing that myself. I kicked my ex out on my own, I got myself a lawyer, I got a place to live on my own, I bought my own veichle, I went to school on my own. I have done this without their help. What you are misunderstanding is that the support they gave me is not that they stepped in and fix the problem. They were on the sidelines cheering me on, giving me advice, being emotionally supportive, and being a family that cares for one another.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Help! My daughter wants to get married!
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:07:50 PM
Yes there are times I wish I had listened, but that still doesnt change a thing. And once again, she's 20, I am sure at 20 you thought you could do anything no matter what your parents said. We always want to prove our parents wrong. Its just something I am sure everyone has done around this age (from teens to early 20's).

I think she is not inviting you because she thinks you are mad at her. Yes, you are saying to us here that you are not angry which I believe you are not upset with her maybe hurt, but realize, until you sit her down and tell her you are not upset with her, she will assume this. I thought this with my mom. I thought she was mad at me and upset, so I wouldn't talk to her because I was afraid to, I would talk to my dad though and like your reaction to your daughter asking your SO, my mom had the same reaction. I would talk to my dad but not her. After about 2 years later when I told her I kicked my ex out, that was when she said to me that she was never upset with me with my descion back then, she was hurt because she knew what was going to happen, and yes she was right, what she had told me happened. She said there was somethign about him she didn't like (he became physical and violent and neglectful of my one son at the time.) So now, I have learned that I will listen and THINK before I do. This is what my life in the past three years has taught me. One day your daughter will learn too, maybe she needs to mess up, maybe she doesnt. Just always love her regardless of how you feel. Trust me, it makes all the difference in the world.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Help! My daughter wants to get married!
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:44:58 AM
No she hasn't. That's why this girl thinks she can keep going to mommy, no matter what, and she will fix it. The only way she's going to make it CLEAR is by DEMONSTRATING it. Daughter has learned that it doesn't matter what mom says, I can cause whatever trainwreck I want and mom will clean it up.

Somehow, our culture got this PC-attitude that says, "always be supportive and 'there' for you kids". That culture does more harm than good.


I think I didn't elaborate in my first post. I never once said that my parents stepped in and fixed things for me. This does not help prove your post. My parents were supportive by just being there for me to just talk to, to watch my boys when I have to deal with legal issue. Not once have they given me money to pay for my lawyer, or anything for that matter. I know that I got myself into this, why would I go and beg my parents to get me out of it? It was my descion to do this.

By being supportive doesnt mean getting your kid out of the mess they made. Its being there for them emotionally when they need it, having a safe place for them to come to. In no way does my post support your arguemtn that being supportive for your kids is bad. Its bad when parents fix their kids mistakes. I am talking about the support of " no I don't like your descion, but regardless, I am still here for you in your life. Your "messes" you will fix on your own, but a safe place, a listening ear, and emotional support is how I will support you." This is what my parents have done. I bring them what I am going through and ask for advice. I don't ask them to fix it and get me out. They are my parents and I want to know what they think. Its still my problem. Perhaps in the future they may not like a desicion I make, but they will still be there for me... THAT is the difference in supporting a child.

The OP should not have called a dentist for her daughter. OP should have let her daughter do so. The daughter is 20 now, no need to do things like this. However, this doesnt mean you always say no either. I don't call my mom to make an appointment for me to go to my chiropractor, but I have asked my dad to get insurance on my house simply because I was not able to make it to the town an hour away where my insurance is because I was working, and he did this for me to help out. Now if I wasnt working and was off, then yes, I would have made the trip in and not have asked my dad. That is what being Mature is.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Help! My daughter wants to get married!
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:35:36 AM

Maybe showing them all the additional expense they'll have with an apartment, etc. would open their eyes?


I read this and felt the need to say this. I think doing this will make no difference. What it will do is distance you and your daughter even more. Let her figure it out on her own how difficult it will be. She won't believe you if you show her, she's young and thinks she can handle it (I am sure everyone around 20 years old feels like they can take on the world) Like I mentioned in my previous reply, all you should say is this "I don't like the desicion you have made. But I want you to know that I still love you and if you ever need to come home for whatever reason, don't be scared to ask. " You need to make sure that when the time comes for her to leave, they she is leaving on a good note, not hostile as it is becoming.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Help! My daughter wants to get married!
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:27:57 AM
Being 22 years old, I will offer you a perspective close to your daughters frame of mind.

I moved out when I was 18. My parents did not like it, they didn't support it at all. I was moving in with my now ex husband (we have 2 kids together). Even though they didn't not like or support what I was doing, they still let me go. A few days later I found a note from my dad that I kept with me to this day. He was saying that he was sorry for what he hasnt done for me and some other things. However, what made the difference was near the end he said "I will always love you and be there for whenever you need us." I have an awesome relationship with my parents now that could have been jeopordized back when I moved out. Because they told me that even though they didn't like my desicion and didn't support it, they enforced that they still loved me and if I ever needed their support to never be afraid to ask.

Fast forward to now, I am going through a divorce with the man I moved in with ever so long ago., and you know what? Yes my mom said "I told you so", BUT they have helped me out and supported me through everything I am going through. Just because they didn't like my desicion 3 years ago, doesn't mean they need to stop loving me and stop supporting me... what is a parent then if they decide to wash their hands of you just because they didn't like a choice you made.

My simplest advice is this. Yes you don't like her descion, but she is an adult. She needs to make her own desicions and mistakes. Tell her that you will always love her and if she ever needs to come home or needs to come to you with something, let her know that you will always be there for her. Respect the desison she has made, tell her you love her, and support her in the future.

I hope this has helped you in some way or another.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Me Time
Posted: 9/9/2008 7:26:37 AM
I don't think its selfish. I think its great! You should take some "me" time. Just let your kids know that whenever they need you that you will always be there, but having me time is in no way selfish. Go for it!!!

BTW. Kudos to you for being a single parent for over 15 years! You DO deserve me time!
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
sons surgery and the new g/f
Posted: 9/4/2008 12:46:01 PM
I am actually on the flip side of this. My ex demands I not bring my SO with me to visits with the boys. Regardless of how many times he demands it, the answer will always be the same. My SO will ALWAYS come with me. I do not do this intentionally to cause strife between me and the ex. I have a very valid reason to never go alone when visits occur. I have advice from a police detective that whenever I see the ex, that I should never go alone and that my SO is to come with me as he is able to stand in between should anything happen. (I filed a police report against my ex for raping me in December while I was pregnant with his son, plus other physical issues, and now will be filing another report for at least 10+ threats made against me and my SO). We always meet in public places and its the ex who is making a big thing out of nothing. We don't bother him, don't even talk to him, nothing. He's the one escalating a situation to something that doesn't need to be. He should focus his attention to his boys on these visits, but he doesn't. Something I see you're doing as well. You're focusing more on this gf, rather than your son.

So my advice is this. You will have to get used to the idea that she may tag along a lot more. Her reasons are whatever to you. Now, I agree with when the doctors need to talk to the parents about the child that this gf needs to be in another room. Otherwise she has every right to be there in the waiting room with your ex. No crime against that. For all you know she may just be there to support the dad and not to keep an eye on him. For all you know he asked her to come and not the other way around.

Suck it up and focus your energy on your child. He's the one who needs the attention the most, not this gf you are upset with. And oh yes, I do know what its like to be cheated on and the ex go to the girl he's cheated on me with. Been there, done that, but I don't let it bother me, cause it's his life he's messing up. And I have moved on with mine, which has been awesome since kicking his cheating butt to the curb a year ago.

Peace

EDIT: Didn't see that you had replied. Just to let you know that whoever their dad chooses to bring along is his choice. As well as how he spends his visits. Yes sure, we would love it if the kids spent time alone with the parent, but you have to realize that happens in a perfect situation. He has every right to bring her along. She came to court with him, so what?, she goes with him on truck drives, so what. Stop worrying about what he and she is doing. Who cares anyways really? Its his life. Also, I suggest you meet at public places not at your house either.
 irishgurl21
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Should it be reported?
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:30:28 AM

If this woman is noticably pregnant her chances for employment have probably dropped, even where jobs are plenty.


She is due in January. The thing is even before she was pregnant they were struggling really bad and had come close several times to "not make it". It was suggested to her by her mom that she get a job. She said to h*** with that and then started saying that she doesnt need to get a job. Also, i think because she didn't work, she won't have enough hours for another 1 year mat leave. I know I had to work at least 6 months (or whatever the hours were) before I could go on leave again back in February. She could have already had a job and could still be working. So even though she is NOW pregnant, she had the opportunity before hand to get a job. I should also mention that they planned on having this child even though myself and a few other people told them to get their finances in order first as they were already struggling with one child.
 
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