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 Author Thread: Living with parents... a turn off?
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 13 (view)
Living with parents... a turn off?
Posted: 1/3/2019 2:54:50 PM

OP: Because of my current housing situation, i am able to have a chunk of money in the bank, a bit in savings and can afford the luxuries in life as and when i please

Msg #7: Like i said, i've the money to move out no problem and have been highly considering it. On the other side of things though i'm able to take my hard earned cash and enjoy life a bit with trips away and even go as far as the occasional coffee out.

There are valid reasons for living with parents, such as getting through college and helping parents who genuinely need assistance from a live-in caregiver. Other reasons for a 28-year-old to live with his parents are less viable in the realm of adulthood.

Living at home to be able to afford "the luxuries in life as and when I please," is a self-centered motive, which would be a turn-off to me. I want to be with a man who is planning and preparing for a future with the right woman (for him, whoever that would be).

There's nothing wrong with having fun until that day, but if an adult man can afford to move out, yet waits for the right woman to show up before getting his life organized, his home situated, and/or his lifestyle habits in place (such as acceptance of the responsibilities of maintaining his own place, etc.), then he's usually not ready for an adult woman who has already done such things or is actively working on them. Mature adults are proactive in planning and taking on personal responsibilities.

A compatible couple might meet each other at any point in the process, which means houses aren’t necessarily secured ahead of time. In fact, that’s often how it works. The issue I have with the OP is his focus on self, as opposed to a focus on building a life that can be shared with someone else.

Full disclosure: My son moved out in his early 20s and then moved home again at 25 to save for a down payment on a house. At 27, he moved into the house he'd just bought. He lived with me for two years, but he was dedicated to a plan for a meaningful future. It’s not about the situation of living at home, per se; it’s about the mindset.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 73 (view)
Women Don't Know What They Want
Posted: 9/16/2018 10:14:23 AM

(Msg. 71) "I have never thought of A man as being my protector." This was in response to "I want someone bigger than me who I can feel would be able to protect me if need be."

I wouldn't hesitate to call on a man to protect me, if needed. Following that line of thought, I'd want a man who always has my back, as well. Whether he's saving my life or upholding my honor, knowing he'll give it his all—even to the point of sacrificing himself—is a "must have."

Having said that, a man's size has little to do with his ability to protect. Motivation, intelligence, agility, experience, health, wisdom, and other attributes carry more weight than size. (No pun intended?)

Protecting loved ones goes both ways. Women are just as successful in protecting their children and men as men are in protecting their children and women. For me, the ability and willingness to protect is a necessary requirement for serious relationships. It’s part of the package …
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 12 (view)
Relationship question
Posted: 8/15/2017 5:25:34 PM

OP: Dating BF for 3 years
Both in late 40s
He is friendly with a woman who is marrried from his home town
She bad mouths me (heard from a third party)
Her single friends have text my BF he has shown me

They never invite me to anything
He hangs out with them when I am working
When he is he doesn't text usually till next morning
Has claimed his phone died (haven't about four times or so)
My issue is one time I did meet a few of this woman's single friends they have been nothing but rude or ignored me

Red flag or I am being a insecure jerk?

There isn’t enough information provided to say what’s really happening. We don’t know who has known whom for how long and the histories of the people involved. So far, most posters are waving red flags against him.

Another perspective is that the friends, including the married woman, are waving red flags against you. Since you’ve only met the single friends once, and since we don’t know how well or whether the married friend knows you, we can assume that most of the information they’ve received about you came directly from him, through the married friend’s own experiences with you, and/or from other acquaintances of yours. No matter how they came to their conclusions about you, he is the one with complaints piling up against you.

If he and his married friend have known each other for many years, and if he considers her to be a valued, wise friend, he might be confiding in her about things that concern him about you. In other words, his intent might not be to criticize, but instead to seek helpful advice. The married friend, in turn, might be waving red flags and hoping she and her friends will get through to him.

Usually, our close friends know us well and can see situations with more objectivity than we can. If trusted friends and/or multiple friends are saying the same thing, there is probably some truth in it. It might be good for him to listen to them.

He hangs out with them when I am working
When he is he doesn't text usually till next morning
Has claimed his phone died (haven't about four times or so)

^^^ And if he is cheating, it might be good for you to listen to them.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 219 (view)
Why do older Men think like they are teenagers. Wanting to know about Sex first?
Posted: 6/16/2017 1:28:09 PM

Msg. 231: Quite simply , for me it is the most pleasurable act that I can share with another human being.

IOW, it fulfills not only a need for PHYSICAL pleasure but a need for BONDING with another human being.

I can enjoy an activity with a woman , something fun or watch a funny movie and laugh together , etc but to be the direct giver/supplier of her pleasure and vice can't beat it

^^^ I love this post! I’d keep the first two lines as they are but tweak the last sentence to elevate the importance of having other types of giving and receiving pleasure. For many people, good sex alone isn’t enough without other types of shared experiences that bring heart and mind into the mix. (Butterchickenchuck: I don’t think you were implying otherwise.)

OP: I think there are a few of us out there that would like to know the things that we both have in commom. After all what is there left when were to old and the sex is gone

The OP’s statement implies that sex will inevitably end, even for couples who enjoy it, but that's not necessarily true. Relationships are shaped by the experiences, values, and feelings that go into them. If a 99-year-old couple’s version of sex is passionate, sensual touching and kissing before fitting bodies into a perfect spoon for sleeping, then who are we to say that, for them, sex is gone? It’s possible this couple’s sex life has more depth and fulfillment than that of couples who, by outward appearances, seem to follow a script in porn scenes.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 29 (view)
Older woman, younger man
Posted: 4/17/2017 10:16:33 AM

Msg. 32: I think we lie to ourselves and others that personality has far more weight than appearance, b/c we wish it was true for ourselves. We want to believe people will accept our personality, which we have far more control over than the genes we were born with. but, as animals, we are born to procreate and save the species.

I had Easter Brunch yesterday with a 60 yr old female friend who focused on her crepe paper forearms and the silver roots in the part of her blonde hair. I bit my tongue and refused to point out her bosom is still fantastically amazing and no one notices any of the other things

… we work harder to get the objects that are just out of our reach...b/c to us, they are worth the effort. Like Jack Nichelson said of Helen Hunt's character in "As Good As It Gets"

The more emotionally mature we get, the more personality matters and the less appearance matters.

Having said that, the appearance of good health is attractive, and, more often than not, the lack of it is a liability. For most of us, the ability to maintain or improve perceived fitness is within our power. It’s also within our power to become more attractive by dressing appropriately, practicing good hygiene, thinking well of ourselves, treating others with kindness, and focusing on the finer points of another’s personality.

On the contrary, if a man is focused on a woman’s “objects” (a fantastically amazing bosom, for example), then he’ll probably inspire women to focus on his “objects,” and not in a good way.

None of us can be attractive (in the romantic sense) to all people, but most of us have it within our power to be attractive to someone. And if we’re attractive to someone, it’s possible to improve ourselves to become more attractive to others.

You, GTO, are a thinker; you seem to be intelligent, articulate, and witty. You usually present a positive attitude and, in my opinion, you’re very likable. I sometimes wonder whether you’re thinking too much about how you and others look, and not enough about matters of the heart.

I’m not suggesting that you date someone you don’t find attractive. I’m suggesting that you consider how you might come to find more people attractive, and how you might become more attractive to a wider audience.

P.S. I hope you don’t mind that I used your post as a springboard for a discussion that applies to everyone, including me. :)
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 1272 (view)
What do 50+ men want?
Posted: 3/20/2017 2:23:51 PM

Msg. 1288: Why not go to a grocery store and give them actual HEALTHY food

Msg. 1291: For the most part, I just refuse to help. Which might seem cold, but trying to not be an enabler is difficult.?

Msg. 1294: what if that few dollars keeps them alive and a act of kindness gives them a reason to change … cause at the end of the day a dollar or two is what ??? a lotto tic?

In the back seat of my car, I keep a bag with a can or two of Campbell’s chunky vegetable beef soup (with a pop-top), as well as plastic spoons and napkins. Sometimes, I’ll add a granola bar. When asked for money, I offer the bag. Occasionally, it’s rejected, but I won’t replace it with cash.

For me, giving food rather than money isn’t about the cost to me. It’s about the cost of giving cash to a person who may have an addiction that is controlling his/her life.

We each bring our own experiences to the process, so many of us who won’t do “A,” might help others by doing “B.”
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 1237 (view)
What do 50+ men want?
Posted: 3/15/2017 8:42:27 AM

Msg. 1259: I would be happy to meet any reg forum User.. I think it would be fun.

Msg. 1256: Yes I would very much like to meet many posters from here, just for a conversation to see if the real person matches the on-line persona.

I’ve met a few, and they were/are all wonderful to know. The ones I met were even better than their online personas. We became friends and have stayed in contact. I’d love to meet more forum regulars.

There are some funny, sweet, sexy, smart, wise, and/or intriguing people on POF.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 1232 (view)
What do 50+ men want?
Posted: 3/14/2017 1:55:40 PM

Msg. 1254: Yes, he knows that I am on the Forums. No one has ever met anyone on the Forums, at least as far as I know. Harmless.)

^^^ I see nothing wrong with posting on the forums while in a relationship, but it’s not true that people don’t meet others on the forums. There are several forumites who’ve posted about meeting other frequent posters, and there are people who tend not to mention it in the forums when meeting another poster.

On topic: Surely there are 50+ men who want to meet some of the women who post here.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 1034 (view)
what's a bun with a hole in it? a donut? that must be cruller
Posted: 3/8/2017 2:47:16 PM

Msg. 1126: The older a woman gets, the more she seems to appreciate a man who will treat her decently, not lie to her, someone who can and will have a conversation. Yes, I’m sure she would rather date George Clooney in preference to Danny DeVito, but she is much more likely to settle for someone honest and real.

^^^Thank you, Henry, for stating it from a man’s experience! Women who say such things tend not to be believed. May I replace “older” with “more mature”? Maturity doesn’t always correlate with age. …

“The more mature a woman is, the more she seems to appreciate a man who will treat her decently, not lie to her, someone who can and will have a conversation.”

Those of us seeking a long-term relationship would add a few qualities, such as the ability to love and an openness to commitment (not necessarily marriage), but those things appear later in dating. In the beginning, it’s just as you’ve said.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 77 (view)
Dating in your 50's and 60's.
Posted: 2/28/2017 9:22:50 AM

Msg. 76: I think the main problem with age and dating is a change in the basic desire to date. Hormones decline with age which results in less desire to date, men think this a sign of maturity, wisdom and greater selectivity but IMO it’s just a decline in hormones.

I would estimate 75% of men and 60% of women would opt for younger partners assuming such younger partners were readily available. I base this on observations of those people that have an unusual amount of partners to choose from. I think 20-30 years younger. … There is a negative to younger partners related to one’s lack of ability to keep up, either in the sack or in everyday activities people enjoy.

Though it may feel exciting to date (and have sex with) a decades-younger partner, the differences in life experience and generational culture norms usually make those relationships less than ideal for a committed long-term, lifetime relationship, even if hormones and physical stamina weren’t a factor. (There are exceptions, but they aren’t the rule.)

Msg. 76 (continued): For the majority of people dating, they don’t get much outside of their box or their geographic area, so they don’t have a large number of possible younger partners, they all tend to date closely within their age group.

It’s good for the majority of people to date others who are close in age and location. Common experiences and living within shared geographical, generational, and cultural norms allows for a greater opportunity to be emotionally intimate with each other and with each other’s friends and cohorts over the period of time it takes to determine LTR compatibility.

I agree that it’s possible for a decrease in dating to be the result of a decrease in hormones, but if an average man isn’t putting forth a reasonable amount of effort, he won’t date much and the type of women he dates will reflect his lack of effort. These men tend to eventually drop off the dating radar due to lack of interest on both sides.

For men who genuinely want to date, greater selectivity is more often the result of an increase in knowledge of what works for them and what doesn’t. It demonstrates, in a sense, greater wisdom and maturity.

On the flip side, the higher ratio of women-to-men over 55 allows men to be less selective. In many communities, it’s possible for men who are healthy and have their financial act together (can support themselves) to be continually dating new women without achieving emotional intimacy.

^^^In a nutshell: In medium-to-large communities in which the ratio of women-to-men is significantly high, the easy path for physically and financially healthy men is to be less selective. The “mature and wise” path is to be more selective in order to achieve not only physical satisfaction, but also intellectual and emotional intimacy; hence, a greater sense of satisfaction overall.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 141 (view)
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/21/2017 2:41:48 PM

Msg. 135: …the unreasonable standards people create in here. Can't approach with basic 'Hi' or 'Hello' messages, even though that's how we greet each other 99% of the time in real life.

Msg. 137 (in response to Msg. 135): Yeah. It is funny how some gals will get SO "Ugh!" by small his or hellos, which is basically "pinging" them to see if they're up for engaging/mingling. IRL that's fine, but online?

Entertain me, man-boy! Dance for me! ;)

^^^ I’m more likely to be interested in men who dance with me … well, at least until we’ve known each other for a while.

Both sides of the male/female equation like to be entertained or at least engaged. It’s not easy to respond to “Hi” online, except with another “Hi.” To be really good, conversation (like dancing, dating, and sex) requires movement, purpose, and a shared sense of hearing the beat of the same drum.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 20 (view)
Still Single after 7 years
Posted: 2/4/2017 10:03:25 AM

Msg. 9:
“A woman's desirablility online peaks at 21
At 26, Women have more online pursuers than men
At 26, Women have more online pursuers than men
By 48, Men have twice as many online pursuers as Women.”

If you are one of the beautiful people, those rules or statistics or averages do NOT apply to you. A beautiful 48 year old woman will have 100 times more pursuers than the average 48 year old man.

If a woman’s desirability peaks at 21, and by 48, the average woman is competing for men who are being pursued by twice as many women as they are collectively pursuing, what does this say for those of us in our 60s?

I agree with the idea that, as women age, they generally become more and more assertive (sometimes aggressive) daters. In response, men seem to become less and less assertive because they simply don’t need to be – it’s raining women! This may not be true all over the country, but it’s plainly visible in my little town.

(With respect to dating, passivity in men is not attractive. Assertiveness, in the right context, can be very attractive.)

I’m old fashioned enough to believe it’s best when women don’t pursue. (Handkerchief dropping is okay, but that’s just providing an opportunity – not an outright invitation.) I’ve come a long way, though, and I’ll happily and fully befriend men. Sometimes I invite men to go out as friends, and everyone knows the score. It’s win-win because friends are good to have; both of us have fun; and occasionally we’ll meet new people during our outing.

Asking a man out with a romantic agenda? For me, it will never happen. I need to know that, at least in his mind, he chose me, handkerchief notwithstanding. If I were to pursue, whether online or in real life, I’d immediately lose attraction for the man because I wouldn’t feel the way I want to feel with someone I’m dating.

OP: At your age, you’ll probably have more luck meeting women in real life. (See statistic above about 26-year-old women.) Have fun. Be a gentleman. And watch for dropped handkerchiefs.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 1201 (view)
What do 50+ men want?
Posted: 2/3/2017 9:51:22 AM

Msg. 1223: I was thinking, can't they install an internal vibrating rod, just imagine the look on her face when you enter the dynamic pulse mode !!

^^^ Because, to some men, foreplay and sex are chores?

(Just kidding?)
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 9 (view)
What Does Love Feel like?
Posted: 1/14/2017 8:24:59 AM

Msg. 5: (Quoting the OP) “women that I was very physically attracted to, but I was always missing the mental connection.”

FullMoonGuy: That describes the dynamic between me and thousands of women on planet Earth.

Msg. 7: when the reasons you want to spend time with her, have less to do with her body.

When the pleasure you get from your company, makes your brain tingle as much or more than the organ between your legs. …

when she just plain....impresses the hell out of you. When you know your friends and family will say, "we see why you're with her" and the reasons have nothing to do with her body or sex. They're about her personality, brains, and whatever else makes her just so different from other women with the same bra size or waist size. …

GTO, I love what you’ve written … well, except for the mention of bra or waist size. Sheesh! Even when you’re trying to focus on intangibles, you can’t resist referencing “same bra or waist size,” as though they’re absolutely essential in a match for you. (I’m teasing, a little. I have a close male friend who is a boob man. I do my best to smack him [lovingly] every time he ogles an attractive woman who, God forbid, has a small bra size.)

FullMoonGuy, please write more. Based on your fun and witty profile, it seems you’re a step above or perhaps a full ladder above the Average Joe, but if your profile is to be believed, you’ve never been married. What is it that men often miss when trying to make a mental connection with women they find attractive?

Asking another way: Aside from physical appearance and/or general compatibility issues, what do men seek that they aren’t finding in otherwise attractive-to-them women?

In my dating range, finding physical attraction in the same unmarried/available man as lifestyle and values compatibility is rare, and achieving a mental connection with such a man is verging on the impossible. In my case, it requires a man willing and able to explore areas of interest in depth – even disagreeing at times – without anger. When I find that my understanding of an issue is increasing and/or when I’m compelled toward self-growth, I’m in heaven. For me, it’s the magic bullet—an aphrodisiac for love.

OP: You may be on the way to being in love with your date, but it’s likely too soon to have seen her in the wide range of situations necessary to give you real knowledge of who she is and how she’ll respond when bad/good/boring/scary/etc. things happen after the two of you have grown so comfortable together that her guard is down and she responds from the core of her being.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 32 (view)
Look Away, He Will Come On You. He saw it in a movie once
Posted: 7/26/2016 1:03:10 PM

OP: "Don't look for him, let him come to you.” … What do you think of this form of method for dating?

In most cases, it’s a mutual investment of “coming.” The man does his part, and the woman does hers.

OP: To attract men for dating, you’re likely to have more luck if you play up your femininity (womanhood) and downplay anything that appears to be childlike or teen oriented. It might help to get makeup and clothing tips from an attractive woman close to your age who has dated a number of men and had one or more long-lasting relationships. She can teach you what works in your community, and then you can adapt it to your personal style.

Msg. 30: I won't come up to any group of women. I have a hard enough time screwing up the courage to approach one that's solo. Got an audience? Enjoy them, I'll stay away because of it.

Msg. 31: In case its not clear, ladies, his ^^ view is the majority view. No one likes an audience to their failure.

^^^ And yet, when women go out alone, men often think we’re busy shopping for groceries, reading a book with our meal/drink, or otherwise engaged with the purpose of the venue. Their reasoning is understandable given the many posts written by women who are annoyed (or worse) when men approach them in a generic, non-pickup venue.

I hope men keep in mind that women have different perspectives. Some of us want men to approach us and say, “Hello. ...” Even if we don’t want to date a particular man, we can usually find something good in a positive, social interaction. (For the record, I routinely speak to people in public. It’s fun.)

I sometimes wonder if men are looking for the proverbial dumb blonde. She’d be alone in a public place with a puzzled expression on her face and virtually no indication of engagement with her environment. She’d be just sitting there waiting for a less-than-perfect man’s sexy smile to capture her interest and save her from the sheer boredom of her day.

(Just kidding.)


Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 9 (view)
Dating A Recent Widow/Widower=Bad Idea?
Posted: 7/4/2016 10:31:01 AM

OP: I mean people who lost their SO fairly recently. Anyone have an opinion or experience on this?

I’ve gone out with four widowers, three of whom had been widowed less than a year. You’d think I would have learned a lesson with the first one, but I wanted to believe that every widower is different … and they are. Having said that, the one thing they had in common was a complete and thorough unreadiness to do more than casually date.

Every widow/widower has a different experience and outlook. Some are ready for casual dating soon after their spouse’s death, but, in my opinion, none are ready for an even slightly serious relationship within a year’s time.

When I hear of men who marry within a year of their wife’s death, I assume they probably latched onto whoever was willing and/or there was an affair in progress (whether consummated or not) before the wife died.

Msg. 5: There is a saying about the departed one that suddenly sprouts wings and a halo once they are gone. The inevitable comparisons with a ghost are often too hard to deal with.

^^^ I found this to be true more often than not, but some amazing people are able to remain objective enough to remember the good and the not-so-good. I respect and admire the ability and willingness to remember the whole person as he/she truly was.

OP: It's funny how blind we are when we really like someone, but you have to use your head , not just your heart, and Recognize wHen it's not meant to be.

^^^ This is true and wise, whether dating someone who is widowed, divorced, or never married. Sometimes, it’s best to postpone dating until conditions change. Timing isn’t everything, but it can be critical for compatible couples.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 21 (view)
Have you ever ended things with someone after only a few dates and then later regretted it?
Posted: 6/18/2016 2:55:31 PM

Msg. 16: The closest I've come to this, is a few instances where I THOUGHT the woman wanted to end things, based on how she was behaving towards me. Either ignoring me, or being overtly hostile.

And then after I did my best to bow out gracefully, the woman came back, demanding to know why I dumped HER.

But I had such a VERY bad time, trying to make things work after things went that way, I never want to risk going through it again, so I wont now go back.

^^^ If women were ignoring you or being overly hostile, it makes sense that the relationships didn’t work when trying a second time. Your relationships suffered from their negative way of being with you. (You seem to deserve much better!)

OP: I’ve regretted not continuing to date men when circumstances changed and/or I learned of a misunderstanding that colored my perspective. It sometimes happens that a dating partner who isn’t right during one phase of life can be right at another time, especially if the initial ending wasn’t due to a character flaw or other deal breaker.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 32 (view)
I am bit confused
Posted: 6/3/2016 2:03:14 PM

Msg. 30 (quoting me): According to the opening post, they had a great day out for a first date, so the real communication had already started.

I added that line because it seemed Inner Gorilla had overlooked that the couple had already met. I hoped his stance would soften if he realized they had a great first date.

Msg. 30: Well, whether they already had a date before is neither here nor there. Whether it's for a 1st date or 2nd date is no matter. It's a date set with someone in which they're not an item on any level... so whether they cancel it because some friends' plans that sounds more exciting comes up, or a potential date with someone else comes up -- if it makes them put in proper perspective that they're not That into that person, that's Good they canceled it. If they still were into the person they had a date set with, they could postpone it. You don't Owe them a date. In fact, dare I say this -- if anything's owed, you Owe them to cancel things between you two if you're truly not that into them -- and not go out with them when you're not truly interested (whether it be the initial scheduled time or a possible postponed time).

From my perspective, daters shouldn’t be thinking in terms of what is owed to the other person. They should be thinking in terms of what is best for the other person. Sometimes, the best thing to do is not date at all or even avoid the other individual, but it’s a character issue to think it’s okay to schedule a date and then cancel it because something or somebody else came along. A person of honor keeps his/her commitments, whenever possible.

StumbledN (Msg. 31): Thank you. :)

I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping in the locker room. I’ll leave quietly, now.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 28 (view)
I am bit confused
Posted: 6/3/2016 10:03:43 AM

Msg. 25: So what! Don't tell me you have not done something similar. Or had a conversation with four women, asked one out, and because she took too long to answer, you asked the other and that date panned out. So when the first one said okay, you relegated her to a second or third choice. I have done it, it has been done to me as well. They don't owe you s h i t. You don't owe them s h i t.

… And you're nothing but a package that someone saw on line and sort of like it. Until you meet in person, and start the real communication, this is all it is.

According to the opening post, they had a great day out for a first date, so the real communication had already started.

Although I agree that expecting exclusivity too early in dating isn’t realistic, an attitude of, “You don’t owe (her) sh*t” regarding a woman being considered for dating is deplorable, even if it’s technically true. It would be appropriate to think a man doesn’t owe a woman exclusivity or a particular type of date, but if he genuinely wants to date her (as opposed to any attractive-to-him body with a vagina) and he hopes for a quality relationship, he should treat her well and think of her in respectful terms.

A man who asks a second woman out (for the same date/time) before he has an answer from the first woman is behaving like a cad, and a man who repeatedly treats women disrespectfully is a cad or worse (and vice versa).

Msg. 21: Found out she cancelled our date to go on another date which didn't work out

The OP was smart to lose interest. She has shown what appears to be an unattractive character trait.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 46 (view)
How many times have you gone out on a first date with a 0% chance of sex happening?
Posted: 6/2/2016 9:51:14 AM

Msg. 40: I call it a date, not a meet. To me a meet does not have romantic intentions, while a date does. If there's incompatibility, so be it, but it was tested because it was a date. A meet, to me leaves the door open about being friends, or just being part of a group and so forth. So I want it to be very clear of WHY we may be getting together.

It seems you have a “Date or Bust” view of meeting women. For me, that wouldn’t work because I can’t tell before I meet someone whether we’ll date, become friends or acquaintances, or never see each other again.

In response to the opening post, there was/is enough interest about a third of the time to see each other again. I usually call it a meet because most of the time we meet but decide not to date.

Msg. 42: I had no interest in having sex with someone the first time I met them and I definitely had no interest in having sex with someone that was willing to have sex with someone they just met.

Msg. 43: Agreed. It's good if we want to boink eachother from the get go but if a woman let me the first time I met her it would be hard not to wonder how often she jumped in the ol sackaroo right off the bat.

^^^ Many women, including me, think the same thing about men. Thank you both for posting. :)
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 260 (view)
Together forever, no marriage, separate homesto
Posted: 6/1/2016 1:21:00 PM

Msg. 265: That is why the bar is higher in a LAT relationship, it's easier to cheat and the repercussions are far less, so you need more self control and commitment to stay monogamous when you aren't married or living together.

Many would say that reduced repercussions for relationship failure is the reason people choose a LAT relationship over living together. Choosing to live apart together implies a reluctance to invest and risk as much as necessary for a live-in relationship. (This is not to be confused with people who jump into living together relationships without thinking it through. The mere act of living together, in and of itself, doesn’t require a commitment, especially if neither is risking assets.)

As far as self-control is concerned, people will cheat or remain faithful, regardless of where they live. Fidelity is an issue of character, and the level of investing in relationships can run the spectrum from “barely there” to “all the way in.” The primary difference between a committed LAT and a live-in relationship lies in how much is risked, invested, and shared.

In general, it’s easier to invest less and be less committed to a LAT relationship. Even so, people can be fully committed to a partner in a LAT relationship if there are valid reasons for living apart.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 253 (view)
Together forever, no marriage, separate homesto
Posted: 6/1/2016 9:07:15 AM
Regarding msg. 257: I agree that some people avoid live-in situations because they fear incompatibility issues that could cause a breakup and/or they fear losing assets in the event of a falling out. But there are other reasons, as well.

Some people don’t want the same level of intimacy and closeness as others. They’re happy doing their own thing in their own private place (as opposed to a private space within a home). They need or want more autonomy and “separateness” than those of us who prefer full-on, live-in sharing and intimacy. And that’s an okay way to be. We shouldn’t expect everyone to be the same.

People who enjoy living together don’t want to be together all the time, and we’re happy if we have a little area where we can have quiet time to think, read, or just “be.” We don’t envision being joined at the hip. Instead, we envision being tethered, in a way, to each other. After a day of working or hanging with friends, we come home to each other, which is a very different thing than coming home to a house of (only) our own.

Home is where the heart is.

Msg. 258: It's a matter of how much is being shared.

^^^ And a matter of who or what is the most powerful influence on one’s heart.

Having said that, I’m a huge proponent of living apart together for as long as it takes to be certain that living together is likely to be successful. Living apart together is a viable relationship option, but a LAT isn’t the same relationship as a live-in relationship in which, not only the heart, but shelter, friends who visit, and resources are risked and shared. Living together can be a much greater investment than living apart, especially if homes are sold or purchased and/or monies are mingled.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 56 (view)
How much do you weigh?
Posted: 5/31/2016 9:17:06 AM

Msg. 58: A person who is 5'7" and 250 lbs that is a couch potato and a person who is 5'7" and 250 lbs. who has been into physical for 10+ years will look significantly different - one will look great naked and one will not!

Weight for me does not matter. It's just a number that has little meaning behind it unless you have body fat percentage and an understanding of that person's lifestyle.

An individual who is 5’7” and weighs 250 pounds weighs about 90 pounds over the BMI scale for normal (healthy) weight. Though the BMI scale isn’t always the target for professional and/or hardcore athletes, weight reaching 50% or more above normal cannot, nor should it be, maintained for a healthy, high quality lifespan.

It’s easy to say the BMI scale inaccurately categorizes athletes, but too many “athletes” have relatively sedentary jobs and find themselves struggling to lose excess weight after their passion (sports, body building, etc.) fades or is overcome by other demands in life.

As people age, it becomes more difficult to lose excess weight and keep it off. Since we know this, some people looking for a long-term relationship consider not only whether a person looks “great naked” (your description), but how one’s attitude about weight can impact future health. And since you mentioned being naked, sexual health is impacted by general health.

Weight is more than a number. Like looking into a pool of water, weight is a reflection of something. The real thing can’t be fully seen in the water and must be explored in real life to be known, but the reflection provides a clue to the nature of the being the caused it.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 14 (view)
No Dinner
Posted: 5/28/2016 8:25:21 AM

Msg. 6: Dinner whore is harsh. I accept the risk of rejection after I've paid the bill. Then again, I do things in reverse. Full court press in the beginning. If that's not enough, nothing will be later.

I agree that calling someone a dinner whore because she politely shared a meal that was offered to her is harsh. On the other hand, it seems your methodology is backwards for many women. For example, I’d want a man to spend less at first because he doesn’t know me and spend more later (once in a while) because he is crazy about me. Note that I'm seeking "later," as in a long-term relationship.

Msg. 11: If you're trying too hard to impress with the dinner, to me that is more the issue than anything.

I agree. Trying to impress a woman you've just met by spending money on her hurts on both sides. The person who pays can feel like a wallet, and the person who doesn't pay might think the other felt a need to buy affection.

As a woman, I love it when men whom I've known for a while want to do something special for me. It feels good for both of us because there is affection behind the show of kindness and/or generosity.

Having said that, on a first meet, men are more attractive (to me) if we go somewhere that has a pleasant environment and a low cost. The pleasant environment excludes McDonald's, but it doesn't exclude parks, free museums, or inexpensive, comfortable restaurants and bars. This kind of first meet has an advantage of giving men a chance to display creativity and range in dating. And we’re both comfortable.

Women want to believe that men think well of themselves and have no need or interest in “buying” women. For men who are seeking a long-term relationship, expensive first dates usually aren't the best path to take.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 20 (view)
Where did all my male friends go?
Posted: 5/27/2016 7:38:39 AM

Msg. 13: Somebody suggested that men might want to avoid leading me on. Which I think is a clever point. Although if anything, I believe I come off as kind of aloof in that way, as opposed to giving off vibes of showing romantic interest.

If men think you are aloof and/or lacking interest altogether, they might not feel invited into friendship. Men want to feel engagement and interest from other people, even for friendship.

Assuming a man has room in his life for more friends, it’s important that perceived interest in him is related to something other than the possibility of a future romance because hidden romantic interest doesn’t stay hidden for long. In one way or another, it seeps into body language, eye contact, and/or word choices. Whether it’s received or acknowledged is another story.

And though the forums are full of men who say they’ve missed signs of romantic interest from women with whom they would have responded favorably, men usually notice when a woman they don’t want is showing interest. In fact, it’s not unusual for some men to see romantic interest even when there is none. See example below.

Msg. 14: Many gals, when they Want to hang out with a specific guy 1-on-1, and when he's not really into them – and I've done this a million times -- they Like him in-that-way.

Just kidding?

^^^ Sometimes it’s not the woman’s fault. Even if she is platonically oriented toward a certain man, he could be in a phase in which he can’t or won’t think beyond romantic intent.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 10 (view)
Where did all my male friends go?
Posted: 5/26/2016 4:26:52 PM

I've had many close male friends in my life in the past, but not any more. My conclusion now is that these men were my friends because they found me physically attractive. … It makes me feel like women are still viewed by men as being inferior - of no value other for their appearance. Am I right?

As others have mentioned, people take different paths in life, and often friendships formed in childhood don’t last into adulthood. Even so, men can and do like women as close friends.

One of my best friends is a man. We see each other one-on-one often and communicate, in one way or another, almost every day. Yet, in the 5.5 years we’ve known each other, he and I have never dated or even held hands. I can see how our friendship could cause problems for our respective dating partners if they were the jealous type, but who wants to date a jealous person? This friend and I don’t hide our friendship; it’s very public.

Because of the potential for misunderstandings, it’s probably fairly unusual for men and women over 40 to meet one-on-one regularly, except when dating and/or when neither is dating someone else.

OP: Do potential male friends live close enough that meeting often is convenient for both of you? Do these men know you’re not interested in being more-than-friends? (If men think you want “more” and they don’t, they might avoid closeness to keep from leading you on.) And when men have girlfriends, they might avoid closeness with you to avoid causing trouble in their relationships.

The type of playful banter you do in the forums is enjoyed by most of the men I know, and that has nothing to do with your appearance. There are men who like your appearance, too, but that’s not the topic in the opening post.

P.S. You and Halftime Dad are great together. You both bring fun to the forums. (Thank you!)

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 52 (view)
How much do you weigh?
Posted: 5/25/2016 6:53:59 PM

Msg. 53 (Quoting me in Msg. 52): If an individual weighs 50-100 pounds more than a healthy weight (as determined by qualified professionals), then it’s obvious he/she needs a lifestyle change and/or intervention to address a medical issue causing the excess weight.

Msg. 53 (Your response): How overweight am I? Or is that too difficult to tell - from a profile?

Danimal, you’re a good looking man. From what I can tell, you don’t carry 50-100+ pounds above what is considered healthy (for you) by qualified professionals. It’s not possible to tell from a photo exactly how much excess weight a person is carrying, but it’s often possible to tell when someone is carrying an unhealthy amount of excess weight. I mentioned 50-100+ because I thought that much would usually be noticeable in photos. My post was more about health issues impacted by weight than weight, per se, especially among older daters.

Msg. 53: Don't get me wrong about being against a healthy weight. I dropped 50 pounds and put 15 back when I started weight training. The difference has been amazing. Yet, some people who don't know that and don't know me - don't care and assume whatever the hell they want. It bugs me that people think others can't possibly understand what it's like because they are not the exact same. It's stupidly naive and even arrogant at times. … Having compatibility with another involves an understanding and empathy of each other, not a cloning of their lives. Almost IS indeed good enough, in a lot of cases.

Congratulations on losing weight and starting a weight-training program! I think it’s sexy for you to be tending to your health. To me, being sexy requires wisdom and caring, and making a reasonable effort toward good health is a sign of both.

I agree, too, that “having compatibility with another involves an understanding and empathy of each other, not a cloning of their lives” and “almost is indeed good enough, in a lot of cases.” I like the way you think things through and often stand up for your views. I think you’ll be a wonderful boyfriend and husband (assuming you aren’t already a boyfriend).

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 49 (view)
How much do you weigh?
Posted: 5/25/2016 8:43:22 AM

Msg. 51: The trouble with Online dating is most of that judgement is done based on the most shallow of circumstances - mainly a single photo or maybe a couple lines of text. People are genetically predisposed to being large - but their behaviors and habits can vary immensely. There are several 'chunky' people that run marathons and eat extremely healthy that simply cannot convey their habits well in a couple pictures or written claims in a profile.

People who have extra weight often justify or excuse their appearance by citing genetics and claiming to regularly (vigorously?) exercise and eat healthy foods. Though it’s true that individual body shapes vary, there is a point at which excess weight is almost always a result of poor habits.

If an individual weighs 50-100 pounds more than a healthy weight (as determined by qualified professionals), then it’s obvious he/she needs a lifestyle change and/or intervention to address a medical issue causing the excess weight. Friends tend to be kind when discussing one’s weight/appearance, but an extra 50-100+ pounds can be seen in photos that don’t hide the body, and the resulting judgment (your word) can be either shallow or pragmatic. Either way, it’s among the first steps in a process of assessing compatibility for dating, especially when seeking a long-term relationship.

Most people under 60 don’t grasp the speed at which bodies change when they reach late 50s and beyond. The effects of aging speed up, and some things that were once easy become a challenge, assuming they can be done at all. When older, even a little excess weight can add to problem areas, and more than 30-40 pounds of excess weight can be the beginning of the end, as those pounds can lead to health issues that spiral toward even worse health issues.

Although anyone can die or become disabled in an accident at any time, some of us prefer to decrease the risk of harm coming to a loved one. In fact, there are some (like me) who find it incredibly sexy when a man shows appropriate concern for his health and mine.

Given my family history, it appears I’ll live into my 90s. I have a dream that I’ll make passionate love the night before my last day on earth. For that to happen, the man I love will need to be both alive and up to the task.

“Here’s to good health!”
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 504 (view)
Importance of height
Posted: 5/17/2016 7:00:22 PM

Msg. 512: Sooo... a real man would have the courage to go after the hotter one -- where less of a man would be too intimidated. ;) I'm not just saying that in jest -- that's pretty much what that implies!

From my perspective, you’ve said it backwards. In the story (msg. 503), the man who pursued the brunette saw her as a person – a human being. He admired the blonde’s beauty, but he appreciated the brunette for who she is, as evidenced by their relationship that lasted many years. And let’s not forget that she was described as a “cute little brunette.” Some men are most attracted to cute little brunettes, even though they can admire a different kind of beauty in other women.

The brunette’s guy would have been less of a man to go for the number. The object. The thing that might have improved his status among his peers. For a lesser man, a woman’s personality is a side effect of having beauty on his arm, as opposed to the reason for spending time with her.

In the story, the man who engaged the blonde thought she was attractive and seemingly sweet. He saw a glint of personality from across the room because he was looking for it. Facial expressions and body language can say a lot. He, too, approached the woman he saw as a person. There was no barbarian in the story.

Believe it or not, I was giving a feeble pass to “man code,” in which men (left to themselves) will say things entirely inappropriate for female ears. Male bluster doesn’t necessarily make men barbarians. It’s when they truly believe and act on such things that they become “less than.”
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 502 (view)
Importance of height
Posted: 5/17/2016 5:48:20 PM

Msg. 505 (quoting me in Msg. 503): “As for rating women by the numbers, male DNA has its own code, so to speak, and sometimes it literally speaks, as when one adult male says to another, “Would you look at the rack on that blonde? She’s at least a 9!” And then he …”

Msg. 505: (Stellan77’s response): Really, I have male DNA, and I never once in my life told another guy "Would you look at the rack on that blonde?"

It wasn’t my intention to apply the statement to all men; hence, my use of the word, “sometimes.” I apologize for not being more clear. There are many gentlemen in the world who are a pleasure for women to know and/or date.

Msg. 505: It's always seemed to me that men who think like that and just see women as numbers or trophies are actually the men who are the most successful with women.

A man who habitually objectifies women might be fortunate enough to get dates, but the quality of his relationships won’t meet my definition of success. And if I read between the lines correctly, it won’t meet KJ’s definition of success, either. In fact, it won’t meet a lot of forumite’s definition of success. It’s possible that if you were to experience that kind of dating (as opposed to dating a person with true affection), it might not meet your definition of success.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 494 (view)
Importance of height
Posted: 5/17/2016 4:26:19 PM

Msg. 500 (quoting me in Msg 498): “If we assume both parties are interested, but the man prefers the woman to be the overt pursuer, he is preferring that she abandon her feminine way for an outcome that (for her) is often lose/lose.”

Msg. 500 (Norwegianguy’s response): A lot Is running on assumption if nothing's been pursued yet. I don't think a woman loses her femininity by pursuing, to open up conversation to a man. Certainly she would if she was coming on to him like a used car salesman, of course. But there's feminine and masculine ways to approach things in general, this included.

The purpose of the assumption was to provide a best case scenario. I meant to convey that it’s possible, even when both parties are interested, for a woman to sabotage her own interest in a man by the mere act of overtly pursuing him. The feminine way is more subtle. Even when a woman feels comfortable opening a conversation, she usually won’t be the obvious pursuer if she is hoping for a long-term relationship.

As for rating women by the numbers, male DNA has its own code, so to speak, and sometimes it literally speaks, as when one adult male says to another, “Would you look at the rack on that blonde? She’s at least a 9!” And then he tightens his belt, thrusts out his chest, and strides confidently past her to say “hello” to the cute little brunette enjoying a glass of wine. Why? Because he sees the brunette as an approachable person. The blonde? To him, she’s a number ... a trophy … a thing to be admired.

This story has a happy ending, by the way. The man and the brunette enjoyed each other’s company for many years. And soon after the man and brunette left the building, a different man happened to notice the blonde. He thought she was attractive and seemingly sweet, so he crossed the room to strike up a conversation. One thing led to another, and … well, you get the idea.


Good luck, Norwegian Guy. I sincerely hope you meet the woman of your dreams, and I hope she is beautiful with an engaging smile and a fantastic sense of adventure.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 489 (view)
Importance of height
Posted: 5/17/2016 9:20:50 AM

Msg. 487: Nothing wrong with a woman expressing interest/pursuing in a feminine way (see the link) but, implicit in the statement "Guys would LOVE it if girls were the pursuers." is that the woman would approach the man the way a man approaches a woman. A woman who does that has shot her femininity dead. A huge turn off, at least, for some guys.

^^^ and some women! If we assume both parties are interested, but the man prefers the woman to be the overt pursuer, he is preferring that she abandon her feminine way for an outcome that (for her) is often lose/lose. For example, if a man isn’t assertive enough to go after what he wants, he’s lost my interest; and if a man isn’t interested, then why bother?

Msg. 487: By doing that, we let her know that, at least, we have it in us to go after what we want when we see it.

I love the way you think/post. You appear to be a sock puppet. Are you really a man? I’m curious because if you’re actually a man, I might be compelled to … um …flirt in a feminine way?

Msg. 497: Even super shy women give hints. … The most secure of women also want the man to be a man and pursue. … So once a woman gives the guy a signal, the man must escalate. And I mean here ESCALATE, not pounce. If the man pounces and is all over the women, whatever little attraction the woman had for the guy will go out the window.

So true … Interplay that works is uniquely synchronized by each couple.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 10 (view)
Inquisitive or ignorant? Inquiring about a person's physical anomaly/defect.
Posted: 5/16/2016 4:42:32 PM

Msg. 6: Asking a woman about her small breasts is a stupid question. If the guy cant figure that one out then he is clueless. Unless of course he is trying to lead to sex talk.
If she had huge ones then I can see someone asking if they are real or not.

(Content rearranged for understanding):

Asking a woman about her small breasts is a stupid question. If she had huge ones then I can see someone asking if they are real or not. Of course he is trying to lead to sex talk.

If the guy cant figure that one out then he is clueless.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 5 (view)
Inquisitive or ignorant? Inquiring about a person's physical anomaly/defect.
Posted: 5/16/2016 9:08:58 AM

Do people have the right to ask about a person's physical defect or anomaly? … . We are bombarded by what is feminine, appealing, and worth showing off and what is not and being small chested has now become an affliction of sorts.

Your post seems to center on the appropriateness of questions relating to physical differences, especially questions about the size of a woman’s breasts. Since you’ve posted that you don’t question your femininity, I’ll use you as an example in my answer.

In U.S. culture, more men prefer large breasts, but there are plenty who enjoy small breasts and some who prefer them. In general, women with small breasts are smaller overall, which can be an attractor for some men. Women with larger (natural) breasts tend to be larger overall, which can be an attractor for other men. And there are men who barely notice breasts because their focus is elsewhere.

Whatever the “flaw,” the best antidote is an attitude of liking yourself and playing up more universally appreciated assets. In your case, that doesn’t mean ignoring smaller-than-average breasts. It can mean using them to your advantage while you (for example) show off a small waistline; play up your thick, wavy hair; and/or exhibit an extraordinary personality trait to attract not all men, but the right man for you.

If your body doesn’t suit a potential date, your best bet is to move on. A man isn’t wrong to prefer something else, though he can be wrong to place his curiosity ahead of your comfort by asking a personal question too early in the “getting to know you” process.

The concepts apply to more than breast size:

1. Whatever our “flaws,” the best antidote is an attitude of liking ourselves as we are and playing up more universally appreciated assets.

2. Recognizing a person’s tendency to place his/her curiosity ahead of our comfort is a clue to what it would be like to date that person.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 8 (view)
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 12:11:53 PM

On our 1st date he even shared some highly personal stuff with me - he's got a couple of health problems (unusual for a 40-yr-old) and about a year ago had a major burn-out/ depression and was off work for a year (has now been back for a few months). … I'm a very compassionate person and know what it's like to go through a depression, having been there myself … he's not "feeling an emotional" connection with me. … it's just a "feeling" of a lack of connection. … He said he now realizes that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment, and … if (he) couldn't make it work with (me), (he) can't make it work with anyone.

Others have offered good input. I’ll add another view.

I can’t tell from your post whether he was off work for a year at least partly due to clinical depression or whether it was entirely due to his other health problems, but either way, he has been through the emotional, physical, and possibly financial wringer. If his (professionally diagnosed?) depression was a significant part of his reason for being off work, and he has only been back for a few months, his emotional state is tenuous, at best. For now, he might not be able to feel a romantic connection with anyone, though he might wish he could.

He probably needs time to heal and get his life fully on track before beginning the type of relationship you desire.

I'm a very compassionate person and know what it's like to go through a depression, having been there myself … I am really torn up about this … I feel like he's just slammed the door ... I know I would be a great girlfriend to him … I feel like I must have done something (or lacked something) that was a turn-off to him … I just wish I knew what it was … He said he now realizes that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment, and fed me some bullshit along the lines of "if I couldn't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone." Yeah right. Says he's taking a break from dating. Then he said he wanted to stay "friends" and added me as a friend on FB. I am so distressed I don't even know what to do with myself.

If he could see this ^^^ in your words and/or body language, he knew you were light years ahead of him, romantically speaking, and your emotional involvement seems high. His decision not to pursue the relationship was probably best for both of you.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 123 (view)
Importance of height
Posted: 4/26/2016 8:33:55 AM

Msg. 122: I will reiterate what I said in that thread, if you (Hawking) enjoy dancing then consider taking ballroom dancing classes.

Are there plenty of venues in Tampa that offer ballroom dancing? In my area, ballroom dance lessons are offered, but there are no venues that cater to ballroom dancers. Most of the venues here play a mix of rock and country with an occasional waltz and slow song. It would be better for novice dancers to find local venues that attract dancers of the preferred age range and personality type, and then learn the type of dancing offered in those venues.

On topic: I’ve danced with and dated men shorter than Hawking. (I’m 5’4”.)

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 140 (view)
Erectile Dysfunction ... how prevalent is it?
Posted: 4/26/2016 7:15:28 AM

Msg. 116): the first time we were intimate, he got it up but was done in like 15 seconds

Msg. 122: but after those two fails in the bedroom, he is trying to make up for his lack of "performance" by trying to impress me in other ways, one of them is the constant talking and trying to be funny (which it's not - it's annoying as HECK), and he seems just very nervous. I can't stand it.

Msg. 135: So I’m hoping he's doing some research to figure out what's going on. I'm not doing it for him, he has to want to do it himself

I can’t tell from your posts whether the first time was premature ejaculation or he went limp. Nor can I tell how long it was between attempts or whether he gave clues that this wasn’t the first (or second or twentieth) time it’s happened to him in recent years. It’s good to have all the significant information before making a decision.

Having said that, I agree with you that it’s his body and his life. If he thinks having penetrative sex is important, he’ll do his best to make it happen. If his libido is lackluster, then why take unnecessary risks with medications? Every man has his own priorities, and sometimes all a man will share with a new woman is bravado and bluster (or nervous talk and unfunny humor).

I also agree with the suggestion to talk to your man, but it’s best to be patient until the time is right. Hopefully, he’ll give you an appropriate opening.

Healthy relationships aren’t built on secret thoughts and unmet desires. He needs to know how you feel and how far you’re willing to go to be with him. Will you stand by him while he seeks treatment? This is a new romance, and the man is otherwise your version of a catch. How much time and energy are you willing to give to a potential relationship with him? When you’ve answered those questions, you’ll have a better idea of what to do next.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 3 (view)
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:31:04 AM
He probably likes something about you, but isn’t attracted enough to make much of an effort toward dating. To him, you’re entertainment, as opposed to someone worthy of investing his energy, time, emotions, and finances.

Even if he can’t afford to take you out often, he could suggest going on free walks in pretty settings, cooking dinner together, browsing a free museum, etc.

I know he has joint custody of his kids, a very demanding job and very little free time,

If this is true, he doesn’t have time to date in relationship mode. At best, he’ll offer occasional dates that go nowhere.

If he uses his situation as a reason to keep your expectations low, then it reinforces the idea that he’s not interested in the way you hoped.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 10 (view)
Posted: 4/22/2016 11:41:11 AM

I have known this man for years … Well he is now throwing out comments like make some cookies and I will visit. I will help you with such and such. Then I broke my arm and he offered to stay with me and help me. He also said too bad we were going in different directions or we could meet up for lunch. You have remember we are sort of best friends and I have seen him thru things in his personal life. Am I reading into this or is he interested in me personally other than friendship?

If I were in your shoes, I’d bake cookies (in a heartbeat!). If nothing else, he’s an old friend who likes cookies. This is step one.

Step two? That’s up to both of you. In the meantime, go out of your way to be kind to your friend simply because he is a good friend. If you’d like there to be more, give him opportunities to show romantic interest by spending time alone with him.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 207 (view)
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 3:41:11 PM

Msg. 213: Why would an attractive, intelligent woman persue a man who only ever has negative things to say about women he's been involved with? Are you going to fix him? Love the hate out of him?

If this was meant for me, thank you for the compliment!

My posts were an attempt to nudge Purple into a more playful or positive mode. Surely you didn't think I would actually drag him to a restaurant entirely against his will?

Msg. 214: Or she really needs something from a relationship, and only Negative Neds can give her that thing she needs to accomplish.

GTO, I often agree with your posts, but this time the opposite is true. I prefer to date men with a positive outlook.

I didn’t expect my posts to Purple to be taken seriously. I’ve learned something today.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 204 (view)
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 2:45:59 PM

Oh, you plan to do at least 85 through Illinois? Illinois Troopers hide reeellly well, by the way.

I take it this is your way of telling me to slow down. …

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 198 (view)
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:32:28 AM

Msg. 201: I do expect it to take a couple years at least. I especially like the part about eventually being each others priority.

Msg. 202: I say spend less then 2 years on anything that doesn't involve cohabiting.

The time frame will vary from couple to couple, but two or three years sounds about right to me, too. The key to success isn’t in the amount of time covered; it’s in the process of learning what needs to be learned and in the compatibility, wisdom, and caring of the people involved.

Msg. 203: You them will be able to step back in and resume dating…. Not all of us have that luxury. Some … have no say in the matter. We have to … settle for whomever will put up with us.

This is true. I plan to drive six hours to South Bend one summer day and drag you to a restaurant entirely against your will.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 189 (view)
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 7:42:58 PM

Msg. 191: Are there any women out there who like the idea of eventually living together? Perhaps you can chime in, or I may need antidepressants.

In case it helps to keep you from taking antidepressants, I'll chime in. I'm in favor of eventually living with the right man.

Msg. 193: I can understand how once you get up into your 50-60's it becomes prudent to watch out for yourself if you start a relationship and both are home owners. Tough to start from scratch again at that age bracket if things dont work out and you're the one that has to hit the bricks.

I'll be prudent to watch out for myself as a homeowner, but it seems more important to me to watch out for my heart and his heart. If we date long enough and create enough experiences together to learn what needs to be learned, and if through all that we discover that we've gained wisdom through the years, we're compatible, of good character, and in love, then we'll each be the other's priority. When a long-term relationship is made of the right stuff and hitting the bricks is unlikely, living together could be the best option.

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 18 (view)
Met a real person less than 1 km from me but no good
Posted: 4/12/2016 5:09:40 AM

I was in the middle of doing servicing on my 4wd while sending msgs. She decided to drop in to where I live and say hi, which she did, and she was really nice, then 5 min later she went because she was in the middle of doing things and I'd been under my 4wd tooling away on fixing something at the time she parked in the driveway.

… Until today when I got a brief message saying 'you are a really nice person, but I felt no spark'. … I don't know how I'm supposed to create/trigger that, or is it simply something that has to happen naturally in another person.

The ability to fix things is such an attractive quality that I’ve listed it on my profile. If I were in your dating pool, I’d love the fact that you do some of your own car repairs.

Having said that, I can see the probability of blowing a first meet by being too sweaty, stinky, and/or dirty/oily to inspire a woman to want to touch your arm, for example, or for her to desire that you touch her in a publicly appropriate way. (I’m wondering about the condition of your hands.)

At the same time, you were likely to be somewhat distracted, as your mind had been focused on your truck. You weren’t mentally prepared to be with her.

In other words, the state of your mind was less than optimum, and the state of your body, clothing, and hands might have acted as a repellent for touch. Your experience is a great example of how to politely sabotage a first meet. If a spark had been possible, it would have remained hidden. My guess is that you did nothing wrong, but you did little right. (Please don’t be offended. I mean well.)

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 7 (view)
I hope I will find my love one day, I hope it is still possible
Posted: 4/8/2016 8:00:59 AM

I have always been a family oriented girl, I still believe in truly being there for one another at all times, investing into relationships as much as you can …

At the same time, years are running, I already turned 30. I want to be loved, I want to love, to start a stable family on the right premises. But I would like to feel that this man was made specifically for me and me for him.

You’re pretty enough to attract many men, but haven’t yet attracted the one who seems “specifically for you and you for him.” To make that happen, the right man needs to see the part of you that tells him you’re specifically for him.

If your real-life personality is as matter-of-fact and serious-goal oriented as your profile, it’s no wonder that interesting, fun men don’t find you attractive.

Your profile paragraph about music and cooking hint of what you’re like when being a passionate, fun woman. Be sure to show more of that way of being in real life and in your profile. It’s a more engaging side of your personality, and there will be time for seriousness after you’ve made a connection.

The best advice I can offer is to focus on men’s hearts and minds rather than their bodies. Because the condition of a person’s body often reflects self-discipline and an attitude of caring about self and others, I wouldn’t ask you to totally ignore appearance. Just keep in mind that intangibles are the true measure of a man – not his level of “cute sexy.”

And yes, it’s true that a man who takes care of himself is more likely to take care of you and your family. This kind of man disciplines himself, which increases the odds of him being there for (investing in) you and his/your family now and in old age, as opposed to a man who is all about instant gratification. In this sense, appearance matters, but only to the degree that it reflects intangibles.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 32 (view)
A man and his car...
Posted: 4/7/2016 10:22:28 AM

Msg. 28: Convertible Vette here. 2012. If a flashy car offends her, good riddance.

The flashy car itself “offends” some people, possibly because they assign an incompatible-for-them personality to the driver.

Other people assume that most drivers with flashy cars like flashy cars. The type of vehicle isn’t a big deal, one way or the other, unless its cost is outside the owner’s income range. In that case, the car is often a demonstration of poor financial decision-making and/or a desire to compensate for a perceived weakness, either of which can impact more than vehicle ownership.

People’s vehicles offer information, but they never tell the whole story about their owners. As for me, my 2013 Honda Civic says as much about me as my 2002 Ford Focus said before it.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 16 (view)
A man and his car...
Posted: 4/7/2016 5:03:50 AM

If a guy that you are meeting for the first time shows up in a junker car that's rusty, dirty, and has 2 hubcaps...would that be a big deal to you?

I’d make a mental note of it and use the information in context with everything else I learn about him. If, for example, he is driving an old car in order to become debt free, then I’m 100% supportive. As long as the car is reliable, I’d think he is following a great financial plan.

If the integrity of the rest of his life mirrors the state of his vehicle, I would lose interest. I want a man who has his act together. That’s attractive to me.

For me, being debt free, in and of itself, isn’t a worthy goal. It's important to be debt free with a balanced life and positive values. I’m as turned off by wealthy misers who drive junker cars and show-offs who drive (out of their income range) expensive vehicles as I am by the undisciplined.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 21 (view)
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/5/2016 6:07:06 PM

… After 2 more dates, we had a "talk" and he told me that in his marriage HE did ALL of the work...calling, pursuing, asking, planning, romance, etc.

So now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. He wants the woman to "make the first move" especially when it comes to sex. I asked him why he doesn't want to make the first move. And he said, " My rule."

He doesn't want to be the initiator and I am thinking it's a fear of rejection. He wants to make sure the woman is interested in him, hence she does all the asking, romance, etc. Is he just that paranoid of investing again? And what should I do....I don't mind planning some of the time...or making a move romantically, but I'd like to be desired, too.

His reasons for behaving as he does are, at best, self-centered. An emotionally healthy man who is able to genuinely care about others behaves in ways that show caring for others. Such a man takes reasonable risks in order to further relationships and build positive feelings.

This man knows what women generally want and, if I understand correctly, he refuses to comply. He might as well slap a sign on his forehead that says, “I care more about me than you,” and, in this case, “you” includes almost all women.

He is missing out on the great pleasure that is found in pleasing others!

Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 808 (view)
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 4/2/2016 6:43:36 AM

Msg. 868: Sexy!
And that goes for tightwad clooney

I don’t think of Clooney as a tightwad, though perhaps he has a tight butt?

I assume he believes the majority of women he dates are after his money. … Silly man. With his looks, wit, and intelligence, he could choose to date women who would love him for who he is. (Clooney: You're quite lovable.)

On topic: If, for the purpose of this thread, the definition of courting is that men treat women with consideration for their comfort and well-being, then surely it’s to men’s benefit to do so. I’d say the same for women. In matters of the heart, the focus should be on the other person.
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 40 (view)
Are women more attractive to men that are taken
Posted: 3/26/2016 9:28:55 AM

I started dating this woman for about a month mow. When I meet other women I generally tell them that I started to date someone. Instead of them backing off they get closer to me and more warm. …When I was 100% single this rarely happened. I'm I not seeing something here?

I’m with the group that “gets closer and is more warm” when it’s safe to do so. A single, available man in my age range can easily misinterpret flirting and warmth, so I try not to go there. A man who is significantly older, younger, or in a relationship generally enjoys the teasing and playfulness as much as I do, and we both sense that our talk is just for fun. It’s one of the ways people develop friendships.

On the romantic side, I’m not attracted to men who are in relationships, assuming I know their status. Something in my brain triggers an invisible barrier that makes it impossible. I can think attached men are attractive in general, but they’re not for me. … The same thing happens for all men when I’m the one in a relationship.

I might be this way due to conditioning. Whatever the reason, I’m glad it turned out this way.
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