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 Author Thread: Annoying neighbourhood kid
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Annoying neighbourhood kid
Posted: 5/9/2009 1:42:44 PM

sounds like the kid has autism or some type of behavioral issue and the mother thinks the only way to handle it is for him to get what he wants or he'll go terror on her, which i'm sure she doesn't like.


really at that time, he should be asleep, so it's speaking more of autism behavior, autistic kids do wake up way early and don't understand their boundaries unless they are guided for awhile to do certain things.

I am sorry, but what I am hearing is a great deal of assumtions about autistic kids! It is quite offensive IMO. Possibly the child is just a morning person with little to no supervision? You know, not all autistic kids behave like the child discribed, not even with poor supervision.
Statements like the ones made here do little but perpetate the myths about "all autistic kids" and make it hard for real autistic kids to get a fair shake. Please save the sidechair psychiatry for messing with your own child if you so wish...and stick to the dealing with what you see as "symptoms" for others! OP needs to deal with what the child is doing, and not pretend to have a diagnosis for the child. Diagnosing should be left to the professionals, and only those professionals who have real life interactions with the child.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Emotionally Abusive Fathers
Posted: 4/10/2009 8:26:51 AM
I think it clear that both you and your daughter need some therapy before moving forward with any court issues or whatever. If what you are saying is true, and I tend to believe it is at least 75% true but realize there are at least 3 sides to every story, you are certainly not over his abuse of you...and it is ongoing. He knows that he has control of your reactions. When you are truly over it, what he says won't matter because you will realize that it is only another attempt made by him to control and manipulate. Emotional abuse can only happen if you allow it...but the abusers quickly become masters at finding there in. I do not say this to place the blame on you, but rather to help you see that the control is yours if you have the strength to take it back. I know that it is hard, as I have been there (well, am really still there because I am not over it yet and I am lucky enough to have not had any contact for over 2 years now except for a couple of court dates).
Sadly, your daughter needs to be taught these same lessons too too. She needs a dose of what reality is and how to deal with the manipulation...along with a lesson on life with a bipolar personality. It is much easier to digest know that her father cares in his own sick way once she understands that, at least in part, it is an illness making him this way but also know that it isn't exceptable and how to best react to it. She also needs a non-partial outlet to discuss these situations. Once she is comfortable with her therapist, you may want to consider involving him in the process as well. This may allow him to at least be told upfront of the damage that he is doing to their relationship...although know that it may not change a thing because of his mental illness.

Going forward, beyond therapy, you have been given some great advice here already. Here are a few more...
-Drop the home phone number or change it and make it private. Give him only a cell # to contact your daughter on...and it can simply powered off if he becomes obsessive about calling so you have no need to run from a ringing phone. Notice I said to contact your daughter on. He has no need to speak with you in real time unless there is a true emergancy.
-When you do need to communicate, do it in writing. Either get a dedicated email account, and save every message sent or send certified letters (and keep a copy for yourself of course). Let him know that you expect a written response. Please know that he will hate this, and he will most likely pump up his attempts to control and manipulate when he sees you taking the control away from him.
-Don't do exchanges without a witness or at minimum a voice recorder (make sure you can record him without his consent in your area...I know I live in the Pennsylvania, and our law says that we are a 2 party state, so anytime I use so much as a voice recorder I have to state in the beginning and the other party needs to agree that he/she is being recorded. If I don't have agreement, it can not be used in court if needed).
-Talk to a lawyer in your area about what to do when your daughter does not want to go to a visitation. You need to be careful to ensure that you are following all of "the rules" so that he can't attempt to say that you are keeping her from him.
-If it is not already there, get moving on getting a clause in your agreement stating that the police are to be called if she is not returned or "turned over" in a timely manner (such as at the court ordered time). Know that he will be able to use this clause too...so if she doesn't want to go, see above! Also, with the chance of the police being called, they have to make out a report after they come...you should have a copy of each of these for your records.

Good luck to you in this matter...it may get worse for a little when he realizes that you are starting to take the control from him but the outcome is so worth it!

 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Am I too nice??
Posted: 3/4/2009 6:21:04 PM
Dreamy, sorry to say it but if you have to hand feed him at this point...it is better for her to be disappointed in him now than to be disappointed years from now after believing that she is close to him. Talking from experience here...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Boyfriend Verus Dad
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:32:32 PM
Scottytow, I am sorry to hear that you went through that.
I can only tell you that here in PA there is a standard clause in most county filed custody agreements (it is there unless both parties agree to take it out) that states that neither parent shall speak ill of the other parent or allow anyone to in the child's presence. Doing so shall be an act of contempt and be seen as an attempt to alienate the parent child relationship...which is considered a form of child abuse. Not the exact wording of course... It is there...enforcing it can be another issue depending on the county or judge but it only takes one good judge to enforce it. On the books, PA is a 2 parent state and does not look kindly on those who try to undermind parent child relationships. I have heard of this clause in many other states as well...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Boyfriend Verus Dad
Posted: 3/2/2009 11:49:12 AM
OP, you need to get over your anger and frustration...or at least never let the kids see it. It is NOT your place to tell them anything but positives about their father (and if you do tell them negatives, the courts may hold it against the mother as she is ultimately responsible for what you say to those children...not to mention how the kids will hold it against you).
Not that you asked, but sounds like mom also needs to stiffen up in front of the kids. Many of us here know that it hurts when the children seem to be choosing one parent over another but it is a common and natural thing for kids to do...talk with a therapist about it and try to understand more if need be but crying in front of them and giving them all that power and/or anxiety is not the answer. Let adult issues be adult issues. Even if the other parent isn't, you keep the kids out of it!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Am I too nice??
Posted: 3/2/2009 11:40:26 AM
In a word...probably.
You can't do everything for your ex and expect him to magically step up to the plate someday (I am only talking about visitation here because support is a different issue). The only thing you have to do is follow a court order. It is great that you are facilitating the relationship between child and father...but he has to do some work too otherwise you are simply enabling him.
Allowing or encouraging the parent/child relationship= VERY GOOD
Enabling a father who will eventually crush your child= VERY BAD and btw, it will be your fault if the father stops seeing the child because you can no longer do all the leg work for him.


On the unrelated note of child support... you should get one for child support because the others are right...your agreement means nothing until it is filed with the courts. You can do this in PA through mutual agreement and simply file it through your local domestic relations office. They will even then very slowly enforce it for you if he doesn't pay.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 40 (view)
 
leashes?
Posted: 8/24/2008 5:54:32 PM
I have not seen any around here for $10...the last one I got was $20. This was 4 years ago...but most around here run around $25 or so to start. With the uneven streets and things that I had to maneuver in the city at that time, it lasted about a year. The handles ended up bending back from trying to get it up onto curbs and things carrying a 47lb 3 year old. Could I have spent a lot more for a better one, sure but I didn't have the cash at the time.
And a dollar can be a great deal of money depending on a budget...heck, that is a loaf of bread, or nearly a half gallon of milk, or can of spaghetti sauce, or 2 lbs of noodles depending on where you are shopping, or a can of soup, or 2 cucumbers, or 4 ears of corn, or 12 packs of ramon noodles. Don't knock a dollar...every penny counts!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
leashes?
Posted: 8/24/2008 4:42:14 PM
In terms of price...I just got a new monkey backpack style (I found what I wanted while shopping online the other day). It was only 8.99 on sale at Target. Yes, that is cheaper than the cheapest of umbrella strollers, and it lasts so much longer!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
leashes?
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:38:12 AM

I NEVER used a stroller to "restrain" my daughter when she was small.

While you may not have in your opinion, how many times have you been somewhere and heard a child screaming to get out of a stroller?
I know for us, my oldest, and now my youngest have some sensory integration issues. They don't like things tight against their skin in most cases. They don't like feeling restrained in any case. Yes, the harness is tight against the skin in a small area, and this was an issue for my son when he was little, but the freedom that it allowed him to walk was well worth it to him. He would fidget with it, and try to get it loose, but just like he understood the reasons that he shouldn't run away, he understood why his leash at the time had to be tighter on his wrist. It could only be used for short periods of time though or he would not be able to control his emotions/reactions associated with feeling it tight on his wrist. My youngest daughter is very much the same way. She was never comfortable in a car seat unless things were just right. Strollers are a living hell for her, and always have been. Her new monkey harness should serve us well for short periods of time while walking on the boardwalk. She can fidget with it and pull at it without pulling away as she does with someone's hand.

To comment on something said earlier in the post (pg 2 after my first comment), while no one has said that parents that use harness are bad parents...saying that we are not teaching our children basic safety precautions or that we simply wish to not pay attention to our children (neither of which are true IMO) , is in essence saying that we are bad parents. I don't know any good parents who would neglect to teach their children about safety or ignore them. Do you? Again, as stated by others, everything in life is abused by SOMEONE. We aren't talking about that though...we are talking about responsible use of safety harnesses as an additional safety measure for our children.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
leashes?
Posted: 8/22/2008 4:35:55 AM
How funny that I should come across this post today as I am shopping for a harness for my 3 year old! Well, I guess you can see which side of the "argument" I sit on.
To be honest, I used to think they were horrid creations...then I had my older daughter when my son was 3 years old. He was big for his age, strong, and impulsive. He knew the safety rules, could recite them back to you, and was usually very well behaved; but when he decided to take off he was a fast mover and shaker. I couldn't simply leave my newborn behind or put her in harms way to chase him at anytime. We have since discovered that he does have some psych diagnoses that contributed to this, but regardless the priority was keeping him safe at all times. For him, the "leash" (gosh I hate that word for it) was a physical reminder when he had a thought to run until he was mature enough to self control in more ways .
My older daughter never needed anything like that...but that was her temperament (in many ways she is my "easy child" as she doesn't have the impulsivity and need to run like my other 2).
My youngest is a runner...she will take off at the drop of a hat if she sees and open opportunity. This is normally something that is easily handled as I don't give her any opportunity but we are planning a trip to the beach this coming week and I know the boardwalk is going to be a tempting place to run for her. Some may say to keep her in a stroller, or to keep her in hand at all times but that is just not reality for us if we want to have a positive experience. She values her independence, and this is one way that she can maintain it in a "safe way."
In short, give me looks of shock if you wish. Say I am a bad mother who hasn't taught my child appropriate safety precautions at age appropriate times. Say I am treating my child like a dog. Whatever. I know what works best for us, and safety is a first priority...my child's healthy and happy development is second to that. If a child harness is going to assist in that, then I will be the first in line to get one! Feel free to have an opinion, but please refrain from judging others as long as a child is not being harmed...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Bed time disasters....
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:57:38 AM
Sounds like a tough situation, but you are obviously a caring and in tune mother...so it will get better.
Please know that 2 years after the fact, is not an odd time for things to start coming out...especially if the events (her "daddy" leaving and grampa died) were close together. It takes time for kids to process these things and to feel comfortable enough to try to convey their feelings that they don't understand or have words for. Although it is hard, you should actually feel good that she is starting to get some of that out...letting it fester for a lifetime is the worst thing that could have happened, although this takes time and patience.
The investigation that you mentioned probably scared her a bit. She now realizes that her words can have MAJOR consequences and is probably afraid of making that same mistake again. That can be hard, especially with her not having all of the words to share her thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a way that others will always understand. Just keep the lines of communication open, and let her know that she is safe. The investigation was simply for her own safety as well...and you want to remind her of this. People care about her so much, that they want to be sure that she isn't being hurt in a way that is bad. It can be a great intro to an age appropriate conversation about Good Touch, Bad Touch, and types of abuse. She needs to know that these things do happen to some children and there are people who can help to protect them. Although it may have felt differently, the investigation wasn't because she was in trouble, but because she is special and to be protected.
Now in terms of "something to help her sleep"...
It sounds like she has an awful lot on her mind, and may be a bit anxious about it all. That can make it very difficult to fall asleep, even when a little body needs to. Might I suggest that you talk to your doc about melatonin for her for a bit. It is a more natural supplement to the seratonin that a body already makes, but not a sleeping aid. It can be found over the counter in a health food store or most vitamin aisles. It only will help to signal to her body that it is time to sleep. I have always been very reluctant to medicate my children at all...but this is something that has worked wonders for my son who has anxiety and trouble falling asleep because of it.
Good luck to you...it is never easy, but keep the lines of communication open even if she isn't ready to use them yet and eventually she will most likely come around!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
At my wit's end...
Posted: 8/3/2008 8:52:48 PM
OP, I feel your frustration because I am right there with you...my son is 10 with an Aspie diagnosis along with ADHD, PTSD, and a small slew of other initials that I would rather not type out here... We go through many of the same things and it is so frustrating. My son's father, too, is no help in the matter with intermittant visitations and refusal to realize his son's diagnosis.
I think some really good suggestions were given here (at least as good as they can get since every Aspie child is so different).
-I know we swear by the Feingold Diet and have for years.
-I am also becoming a fast fan of melatonin as it helps my son fall asleep, but not always stay asleep- hey, it is a start and far more natural than other options.
-My son's room is also his sanctuary, both away from his younger siblings and the "extra stuff" that gets in the way of him thinking clearly at times (over-stimulation). I too send him there to gather himself at times...it normally doesn't take long because he WANTS to do better with his behaviors, but it is a long process for him to learn how.
...I could go on for a while here, but I don't want to bore you. I do want to recommend one thing that has not been mentioned before here. I know someone mentioned therapy in some manner (It is late and my memory seems to be failing tonight), but more than seeing a psychiatrist for his meds and things, what has been helping my son greatly recently (in smally baby steps of course) is his mobile therapist. I would recommend asking his psychiatrist is this would be a possibility for your son as well. A Provider 50 program would be ideal as they cater specifically to Aspie kids, but openings for these programs are few and far between these days it seems (there is just not enough funding anywhere) so just a mobile therapist could be a great start. He or she could be with your son in the real situations that he is dealing with on a daily/weekly basis to deal with real solutions instead of just talking about them as they do in more tradtional office settings.
Alright, I am rambling so I hope this made sense tonight. Good luck to you, and remember that we are here of course for nothing more than a sounding board if you need it, or more!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Moving to another province with child
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:28:26 AM
I am in the states, and not taking the time to look up your specific laws...and again, I would suggest you take the time to do so...but normally you have to aquire residency in the new province to make that work. Residency takes a min of 6 months in most places to be considered valid.
While I, and others here are answering your questions though I think it only fair to discuss other things as well though. You are obviously in a rough situation and wanting to be closer to your family of origin, but what about your child? You chose to move to your ex at some point...and your ex became part of your child's family of origin. Why in the world would you want to put that relationship under strain. You can build a new support system just as you planned on doing when you originally moved there. Your child needs to come first, even if that is not the easiest answer for you. JMHO, however your milage may vary...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Moving to another province with child
Posted: 7/15/2008 7:52:39 AM
This question has been covered in many different topics, but you might want to look up online the specifics for your province. In short, he can make you stay...or come back...or win custody over it. You need to stay put unless the courts say otherwise or he agrees. Canada is really tough on this one.
Probably not the answer you wanted to hear, but it is truth according to the many posts that many of us have seen here on the topic and posts that I have seen on other message boards specific to child custody.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Men in chastity
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:04:19 PM
I LOVE to see my man in chastity. It isn't a trust thing at all...quite the contrary actually lol. It would do nothing for trust because their are many ways to cheat beyond intercourse. It is a control thing though. His pleasure is mine. It belongs to me. Therefore so do his erections, and they can't always be controlled without a device.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
need shared custody advice
Posted: 6/24/2008 12:01:49 PM
I don't want to be a PITA here, but I do want to offer a difference of opinion...and as previously mentioned, please contact an attorney ASAP and document everything...but is it worth a change in circumstance if she gets wind of a change and decides to pick him up and cut out any extra visitation so that you are left with not even your weekend to weekend deal? That would force you back to court I am sure, but possibly without the desired effect.
A month, particularly a "summer month" when there is a distance between you, may not be seen as a change in circumstance depending on the judge/custody master who would eventually be seeing the case. Do you want to end up with holiday, summer vacation something or other, and long weekends here and there? I agree that you SHOULD be able to act now in your child's best interest, but custody/child support can very quickly turn into a nightmare. You want to be sure to have your ducks in a row first and have status quo established.
Again, it sucks, it isn't right, but be careful with what you do...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
need shared custody advice
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:10:24 AM
Talk to an attorney...and leave things alone for a while. You need to establish status quo and that takes time. Courts aren't quick to change things outside of status quo. Document EVERYTHING in the mean time. Get over to this site... deltabravo.net and read everything you can there to help as well.
I know it stinks...
Good luck to you!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
The Other Parent
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:50:29 PM
You can't dictate a relationship between the other parent and the child...that sounds like a nightmare and a half waiting to happen. What you can do is have a realistic expectation of adult time away from the child...date time or time after he is in bed, whatever you are comfortable with.
Bottom line, I would be questioning why you would want to get involved with someone who has such an outlook on the other parent in her situation? It is a red flag to me unless she has real reasons for concern.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Monsters
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:37:06 AM
I have 3 children and found a different solution worked for each of them...
My oldest is super-hero savy so his superheros were placed around his room to fight off monsters.
My girls were a bit more of a challange lol.
One was very happy with her "Mean Monster Spray" which was actually febreeze with the label covered. We sprayed it all around the room to protect her and keep the mean monsters away. The kind monsters, like herself, are always welcome.
My youngest has a Ghost Buster. Yes, it is a Dustbuster with the labelling changed a bit (not that it matters for her at 2.5 years old, but her brother and sister would be the ones to tell her it is really a dustbuster not ghost buster...). We suck up any monsters who might be lurking under the bed and such since these tend to be the ones waiting to come out at night. I also tell her that I will stop in her room and get them again before I go to sleep. Since she often hears the vacuum after she is in bed, it seems to work. There are nights when she insists that she saw me getting some monsters in her room with her Ghost Buster.
Good luck with your monsters...they can be stubborn buggers!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
child with fragile ego
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:51:06 AM

I think it is more of an anxiety issue. each time I take him to counseling he tells me he hates it, doesnt feel comfortable, etc. Should I keep making him go??

Have you used the same counselor? I would shop around a bit and find someone that he might be more comfortable with...they are people after all, and some relate better than others.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Single moms - envied by married moms?
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:52:48 PM
What do I think? I think WOW, how can I buy into THAT life lol.

I think that is a very idealistic view of how things "could be" but I rarely hear of a single parent's life being so perfect. Sure, you can start over with someone better...but you aren't really starting over because all of your past is coming with you in your children (not that I would have it any other way). It is hard, we all know this. One income (or none at all at times) and decisions that need to be made because of it can really suck.
I guess the free time would be a nice "draw" if it happened. It doesn't happen here and I know many other single parents who are in the same boat I am in terms of the ex not taking the kids regularly...or not at all.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
X threatening me...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:52:04 AM
Packagedeal has given you some sound advice, but I want to add... don't confront her partners in the future. Your beef isn't with them, and they have no investment in your child so why should they care? Talk to your ex about it. Document your conversations. Talk to your landlord about getting your name off of things. Get your asses into court and get a stipulation in your agreement about having sexual relations when your child is present. Move on and get your poop in a group!!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
People with your kids' names
Posted: 6/2/2008 1:55:10 AM
I have run into it...or names of my exes. I tell him right up front that I don't mean any offense, but I need a nickname for him. If he doesn't have one that he prefers, I can work towards coming up with one without an issue. There is a major ick factor for me at the thought of being intimate with someone with my son's name, and the memories that come back at the thought of my exes names aren't always good things...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
does the amount of children..
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:28:30 AM

But if it were a single man dating a women with kids and he then didnt want to know after he found out about them would that still be "quite reasonable"?

It depends on the man...I have 3 children, and the comments that I get usually include something about being subjected to a minivan, especially if he has a child or 2.
The reality is that for those of us with more than one or 2 kids, we need to find like minded partners...ones who believe in or enjoy bigger families. It takes time.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
So...my daughter ran away last night.
Posted: 5/30/2008 10:31:46 AM
My first thought when I read the post is that the girl is 17...that means soon to be 18 when she can legally run for good, which is not a situation that any parent wants to see. It is best to allow her the time to cool off as long as mom knows that she is safe and being looked after.
I would drop off the cell phone and talk to the parent/s of where she is staying. Let them know that this is a short term situation to let her cool off but you will be expecting contact by X time (to discuss the situation and getting her ass home, although I wouldn't say it that way :/ ) or the police will be picking her up.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Tweens & Tampons
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:52:41 AM
There aren't too many ways to improperly insert the thing ...but safety can be a concern. It might not be a comfortable conversation, but in every box there is info about Toxic Shock Syndrome. You 2 should probably go over that together to make sure she knows although rare, it can happen. Also, remind her that she needs to remove the last one at the end of her period (When I worked in the ER, we would get someone every now and then that had forgotten...this is usually when we saw TSS symptoms to be honest).
Good luck today!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What's going on?
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:47:05 AM
Another thread where I will not so much give my opinion to the OP BUT to this...

If he was that abusive then why oh why did she have child with him.

Some people need to realize that some abusers don't become abusive until after a pregnancy occurs and frankly I am tired of hearing these lines about choosing to have children with abusive men. The pregnancy is either a mark of ownership to the abuser in which they think their intended abused is now "theirs to own" or it is viewed as a time of weakness when things can be gotten away with...then once the pattern is established it continues often because of dependancy issues or because of a fear of loosing custody of the child.
No this is not the case in every abusive relationship, but it does happen so it is not always as black and white as deciding to have a child with an abuser...or even continuing a relationship long enough to have an oops pregnancy with him or her (yes, I realise someone will say not all pregnancies are planned and no one planned to have a child with an abuser in this or that situation).
Turn off the old black and white screen and welcome yourself to the wonderful world of technicolor!!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Absent parents, but not by choice
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:49:44 AM

So if your saying where you are located (granted every state and county has different rulings and laws over there as they are not national laws) if a parent is stripped or is terminated of their parental rights of their child/ren and still held responsible financially for that child/ren then doesnt that mean they still have the right to be involved in the child/rens life as they are still financially supporting them?

Im just curious to find out how one can or be terminated and still be held responsible until the child/ren are adopted by another.

As of a few years ago (8 years or so), this was the case in every state. I will admit that I have not looked into it recently, although I generally do keep informed of many of the changing family court laws across the nation with a few of the groups that I belong to.
This is what I was told then...when a parent's rights are legally terminated, in the eyes of Domestic Relations or whatever present child support enforcement unit is there it only takes away that parents custodial rights (rights to see a child and participate in his/her physical life) and legal rights (the right to make any legal/moral decision for the child. This includes accessing records and such of course); it does not sever the CHILD'S right to support. The responsibility of child support still falls on the parent with terminated rights until or unless the child is adopted (or of course ages out).
It was set up this way to protect children from poverty (welfare and the foster care system are looking for some help to support children that are on their tabs) and to stop parents from bargining away rights, although of course that still does happen...It is a "If you sign away your rights, I will stop any and all child support and forgive your arrears," kind of situation or whatever. It is just another one of those loopholes/flaws in the system that many people aren't aware of until they get screwed by it or are taking advantage of it.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Absent parents, but not by choice
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:07:57 PM
I am trying to keep my comments out of this post for the most part because I don't think my thoughts would be appreciated, however, on this question...

has ya SO put it towards his ex about if she terminates his parental right that she will no longer get any child support off him?....

I have to say something. I don't know where Welder is or even where the previous poster is, but here in the US, if rights are terminated, it does not terminate the responsibility of child support until/unless the child is adopted by someone else.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Parenting plan/Parenting order
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:36:39 AM
News Flash- Parenting "orders" are no more enforceable than what you have right now for making him take some responsibility. The only thing that either can do for you is provide a guideline for shared parenting. If it was done through the courts, you could spend lots of money and charge him with contempt...which in family courts is generally nothing but an extra document and a "bad boy" from the judge- basically a huge waste of time and money.
Document in a bound notebook or journal your time, the plan, and what his actions are. If an issue becomes large enough that you have to go to court, you will have a pattern already established. There are some great programs available for free on the net to record time/cancellations and such so that it ends up being like a spread sheet with minimal input from you.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
So when did schools get the right?!?
Posted: 5/24/2008 5:10:58 AM

I have to ask both her and the other posters because I'm genuinely curious, but is that something that is maybe becoming the norm in certain school districts these days, being asked to sign a blanket consent these days? That's pretty scary, if that's the case.

It is becoming the norm here in my area of PA, and I have discussed them with other parents in other areas of the country (on a parenting chat board) and they have seen the same. In my district's case, it covers all trips during school time hours. The only ones that need extra permission are ones that extend to outside of school hours, as in the case of my son's trip to Harrisburg this past week when they did not return to the school grounds until an hour after school was released and the kids needed to be picked up at the school. My daughter's class took a trip to the local zoo just yesterday, and no individual permission slip was sent home. We only received a note home letting us know of the trip and reminding us to have our children dress appropriately for the weather.
It is scary...I know when I signed the ones for my kids, I wrote a letter to attatch to both stating that I wanted at least written notice in advance of any time my children were to be taken off of school grounds, that I knew that I had the right to recind my consent at anytime, and would happily envoke that right if I felt that the district was planning something inappropriate or if at anytime my children were taken off of school grounds without me being informed in advance.
I am sure it is simply the districts' way of CYA, but these blanket consents are allowing not only the districts to become lazy but the parents as well. It is our job to know where are children are no matter whos care they may be in...this of course includes when they are at school.

Again to the OP, you are not out of line at all...ESPECIALLY if you have given no consent as you stated. Wow! I would be leaving some voicemails and emails over the weekend and be in an office first thing on Monday morning (didn't realise when I wrote the first post that you are outside the states) with my momma bear claws out.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
So when did schools get the right?!?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:17:50 PM
I am not saying that you don't have every right to be very upset, Lord knows I would be as well, but many districts near my home have gone to blanket consents. I have heard of many parents not realizing what they are actually giving consent for (thinking it is only for little walks off of the school grounds or something). In the beginning of the school year when ALL of those papers come home to sign, there is one that is for consent for school trips that are local and within school hours, blah blah blah. Could your district have done the same?
I know that I am always leary of this form of consent...and your situation is an example of why! I would be getting to the bottom of that on Tues- how wonderful that this was on a Friday before a long weekend.
Good luck to you on this one!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
phone bills????
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:21:39 PM
To answer the final paragraph of your post, it can be used as evidence in court to state some sort of abandonment claim here in the US, Canada may obviously be different. Be careful if this is the front that you are trying to broach though because if not supported, it will not look well for your case.

Again, here in the states, I know that you need a court ordered subpoena to get the phone records for a land-line phone. A cell is obviously easier but most companies only list the outgoing numbers, not the incoming unless they are on a compatable cell system. In this case the other party can claim that any one of the "unlisted numbers" was him. Again a court order would be needed to get more information from the cell phone company. Don't forget that you would need the same info from a land-line in your home, your cell, place of employment, and any other contact numbers that he may have for you to prove this in most cases.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How old before you let your kid use their own changeroom for swimming?
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:43:32 AM
I am with waysouth on this one...my kids all simply wear their bathing suits under their clothing when we go to the public pool and we avoid the changing rooms as much as possible (both of the public local ones that we have gone to require you to walk through the changing rooms to get to the pool, and my son is not allowed in the womens since he is over the age of 6, we have rushed through and met at the other side when we have gone). We can wait the short time to shower when we get home, it really isn't that big a deal.
As for when I would let him alone in a changing room to change or shower like in a pool setting...well he is 9 now and it will be a few more years to say the least and the same would apply to my girls. Any place that supports "public nudity" without their own adult supervision is not a place for my children. I honestly don't think it is a big deal if someone walks from the shower to a changing room, locker, or whatever other area IF everyone in the facility is of sound mind and such...but with maybe 200 or more swimmers at a pool during a day (just throwing a number out there), how many do you think could be a pervert of some sort? To me it would only make sense that such a person might enjoy the locker rooms/changing rooms/shower areas as there might be a chance of finding a victim in a compromising situation/state of dress...or even just masturbation material. Yes, I realize that it often doesn't take nudity to get a pervert excited but the situation of having vulnerable children there without supervision is just asking for trouble IMO.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
An absent parent, a 4 year old and Big Brothers
Posted: 5/16/2008 3:39:55 AM
Hmmm...here is where my confusion comes from. You are talking about your daughter? At least in my area, Big Brother's is a program for boys...Big Sister's is for girls. The reason for this is because normally the same sex parent/model has the greatest influence on the outcome of a child. You are talking about enrolling your daughter in Big Brother's?? Admittedly, I have looked at their site and it does not specify same sex matches, so possibly this is a local "thing" because of a lack of Big Brother's although that doesn't mean that they offer the boys a Big Sister instead...my son is on the year long or more waiting list for a Big Brother locally.

Moving on...at her age, she is probably questioning the situation because this is what children are "learning" about in her age group. It is a normal milestone for them to become more aware of where they "came from." Friends at daycare/school are talking about moms and dads and she just wants to know how her family fits into the mix. Show her pictures, talk about her father, whatever, but let her know that her family is just as much a family even if it is different. You might want to talk to her care taker and make sure that he/she (I am assuming she since you are looking for a male role model) is sensitive to the differences in families. Perhaps there are other kids there without fathers or mothers in the picture, or who live with Grandma and Grandpa...only good things can come from pointing out the different WORKING families no matter what size, shape or color.

I am with faithfey when she says that

Male role models can come in all shapes and sizes and play many different roles in life other than "Daddy".

IMO, everything that she said is completely on point.
To generalize even more, your daughter sees what the "people of your neighborhood" do, and it leaves an impression. She sees men working hard at their jobs, interacting with their children, relaxing during time off, etc. All of these things have an impact. Fill her life with people that she can trust, male or female, and she will turn out alright!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 106 (view)
 
Would you date someone on antidepressants?
Posted: 5/10/2008 5:24:43 PM
waht hapend to his mind was due to anitdrpressants.

I have in fact read through all of these and I am simply floored...Kitten, I am sorry to hear of your loss, but did anyone share with you that the depression could have deteriorated his mind in the same way? Or possibly that it wasn't depression at all, but rather depression as a side effect of something else that his doc didn't catch such as TIAs, or some other condition, which could most certainly do the same thing? My point would be that if he was deteriorating so much, this should have been something that his doc would have been monitoring no matter the cause and if it was the meds, a responsible doc would have changed them.


Anyway, to the OP, I take every situation on a case by case basis. I have no issues with someone being on the meds if it is a short term issue or a matter that does not cause violence or other similar issues. I think most would say the same.
I, myself, am currently on a low dose anti-anxiety med for the first time ever...don't know that it is helping just yet as it is very new but we all do what we need to do to function at our best level. I certainly was functioning without the meds, but with MANY headaches and trouble sleeping...I am hoping that this helps. Time will tell though...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 103 (view)
 
Should marijuana use be a deal breaker?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:25:28 PM
For me, it is a deal breaker hands down...
Without reading all of the replies, so I apologize if I am repeating anything already stated, it is illegal. If for some reason the police were to find it on here when she is with you ANYWHERE, you are responsible for it too. That includes in your car, in your house, in her car, in her house, in a place of business, in a resturant...if she is with you and has any on her you are just as guilty.
How would that effect your job? Your economic status? Your rights to ownership?
I didn't check your profile either, but do you have kids? If you do, how would you being imprisoned and charged with a crime effect them? How would it effect your custody status? How would it effect them if she dropped some in your house or seeds fell in the carpet or on a counter/table...
It isn't worth the risk, not even close.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Dealing with my girlfriend
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:27:11 PM
Your not screwed, she just isn't the one. As others have said, cut your losses and move on. This should be a MAJOR factor in deciding whether or not to continue the relationship and frankly, I think a no brainer.


And for the record, it is Asperger's and it is on the autism spectrum.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Child support by step-parents
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:38:34 PM

Welder, the reason why his ex got more than you is that the first child, whoever files first gets a higher percentage than the second child. that is interesting that you are with your bf and filed for support with him, that is something I never heard before.

This is not true in most of the US states...it isn't at all a lower percentage but rather an amount based on a number of factors, in Welder's case, it would be most likely based on the fact that the ex doesn't have an income (most states use some form of an income sharing model).
Father's income + mother's income= income amount to base "cost of parenting" on.
Then they break down a percentage of responsibility to each parent.
It doesn't decrease with for each subsequent child but the amount of money for support is lowered. If Welder and the ex made the same amount and had the same expenses (because child care is often taken into account in these calculations by adding it onto the top of the overall "cost of parenting"), the child support responsibility from her man would be the same for each child.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Child support by step-parents
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:58:38 AM
I think that making ex-step parent's responsible for child support sadly only leads to marriage/divorce situations based out of greed. I don't think it is right at all...but then I do believe there should be some measure of allowed/expected responsibility on quality step parents who have chosen to become a parental figure to a child. Responsibility comes in many forms though, and from my experience, being a consisitant figure in a child's life is FAR more effective and influential then anything of monetary value.

 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Custody Battles
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:11:30 PM
First let me say kudos to you for doing the right thing if they were in a bad situation.
Now to answer your question, you feel so rotton because it isn't the way it is "supposed to be." You have taken the kids from daily physical contact with their other parent which is of course the "natural situation" (to have daily physical contact with BOTH parents). It is never easy...and they probably all took it hard although I don't know for sure (her and the kids), and that means that you probably felt the brunt of that. It is a major life change as any move or seperation is.
Some days wil be better than others, but you will get through. It will get easier. Try to keep your mind on the positives like your son doing better...like your ex being less stressed possibly and therefore being able to have a more positive relationship with the kids?...like the kids being safe, secure and happy.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
overstepping the sexual bounds at school
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:03:36 PM
Hmmm...I don't know that I would be very happy if my son or one of my daughters came home to tell me of a teacher making comments about having to clean up after a teenage son. I would also be none to happy if he were making gestures about penises growing and such. I can only imagine the possibility if this were to trickle over into the changes that go on in a girl's body.
I guess my outlook on it is that this is something that should be handled in an adult/mature fashion and not as if one of the kids' buddies were teaching it. Teenage sexuality CAN have some very adult outcomes and it isn't all "fun and games."
The teacher was probably trying to prove that he was cool with it all, and he was a "good guy" who understands, but he missed the mark entirely if the kids were feeling uncomfortable about it. It is a shame, but probably not a lesson to be taught be a newcomer to the classroom, rather someone who already has a rapport with and sense of the kids so that he/she might have some idea of what they might be comfortable with.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Dad wants Me to suggest visit dates & other issues - could I get some perspective please?
Posted: 4/26/2008 4:25:16 PM
Yikes...sounds like you have an awful lot of anger going on there. I suggest you deal with it as soon as possible as I am sure your daughter is feeling it, and that is NEVER a good thing when the anger is directed at Daddy.
Anyway, moving onto your question...what the heck is the big deal? Suggest a schedule that works for you and your daughter. Put it in writing and give him a chance to agree or disagree. Is he local? If he is then he should have a min of every other weekend and 2 evenings a week made available to him. Again, that should be the minimum made available to him. If he isn't so local, then you need to look more at strictly weekends or whatever his work schedule allows for longer snip-its of time.
If he truly can't "afford" support right now, possibly him taking a more active role in her life might be a better option. Maybe he can help alleviate some childcare expenses. Real time is so much better than cash anyway...and it is to the child's benefit. You should get into court though and make him legally responsible for part of the cost of her care/upbringing. Kids are cheap, and the bills don't decrease if you can't afford it one week or more, do they?
And now the phone...WTH is the big deal if he can only use the cell phone with your cell for right now? You said he is broke, so I would imagine this is a much cheaper option for him. I don't see an issue here at all. Heck, I have been known to provide a cell to an ex for this exact purpose.
You say you think he is looking to distance himself...don't make yourself the reason. Work with him as it is in your daughter's best interest...and if you are that selfish that I need to say this (and I would hope that you aren't but these situations can work on people's minds), it is in-turn in your best interest because it will make your daughter an easier child to parent hopefully without all of the issues that can ensue if you make this more difficult for him...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Question for All Women(Especially IN.)
Posted: 4/24/2008 1:29:26 PM
Have you considered that most of the people your age are only doing "physical things" with other folks your age who have kids or not? I found that most people didn't start settling down until they were 28/29 or so as I had my first child at 21. Most of my friends went away for those years because they were being busy having "fun" and being free. Around 28/29 they started to settle down and the wedding invites started pouring in...and they started having kids of thier own.
What am I saying? 23 is a rough age to be looking for someone around the same age who wants something long term/stable kids or no kids. Keep your chin up and it will happen eventually.
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Child Identification Programs
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:25:28 PM

I have a video of my son walkign around and how tall he is,

Thanks for reminding me of this...totally forgot. Babies R Us does digital videos for safety reasons in most of their stores during thier events for this purpose. The DVD that they make for each child contains all of the child's info and her or him walking and talking. We haven't updated these in a while but probably should...especially for my little one (she is only 2 so I am constantly taking videos at home of ALL of my kids but her safety things should be updated at min every 3 months.)
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Child Identification Programs
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:47:20 AM
The local school photographer here participates in the smile safe kids program which supplies cards with pics and are on file with the state police...a wonderful little service free of charge.
Beyond that, I always pick up home DNA kits at the local kids awareness activity. I have 2 done for each of my children... They are kept in the back of the freezer in case of need of DNA evidence. I have one for each child not only in the back of my freezer, but in my mother's as well and I redo them every 2 years or so just to be sure. Here these kits are provided free of charge by the local state police.
At the same event, the police do finger printing and updated pictures of the kids. Again, I keep everything in duplicate here and at my mother's home.
All of these are wonderful services for free of charge that I hope that I never need to "use."
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/21/2008 2:12:55 PM
Deuce, my only question is what happens at the end of the 2 years when she decides she can't afford to give up the money she will be making there? That is a reality that may come to light and you have to think of now...
Other than that, it sounds to me like you all have a real working plan to make this the best situation for everyone involved although obviously not ideal.

DON'T NEGLECT TO GET IT ALL IN WRITING!!!

It is in caps to ingrain it in your brain because if she changes her mind about anything, the courts should know to the letter what has been agreed to so that she can be responsible for the cost of any changes if she is set on making them. Seriously, protect yourself!
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Who is here & single in part b/c of the stresses a child with autism puts on a marriage?
Posted: 4/17/2008 10:04:51 AM
I can't believe I am going to type this but I actually nearly agree with John on this one... I say nearly because he said
but if you want to make things work you can find a way to do it
which makes it sound like if one person tries hard enough, and we all know that isn't the case. We know that both partners need to want to make it work. I admit that I may just be projecting my own feelings and emotions on his statement but it is based on some similar IMO misinformed ideas of how relationships worked that he has shared in the past.

Special needs don't make for cracks in a relationship but rather magnify the ones that were already there. I would never ever place the blame of my relationships failing on anything that is my children...they are never to blame for how adults act. Would it have been easier to hold things together longer if my son was not all the things that Aspie kids are? Sure, but no one ever said parenting would be easy, and the same issues would have come up eventually.
You say your ex was to immature to deal with the diagnosis? There were a million other things that he/she was immature about as well, weren't there?
You say your ex couldn't deal with the financial strain? Don't you think financial strain would have come at some point anyway?
You say your ex didn't have the patience? ALL kids take LOTS of patience!
Any reason that can be said to place the blame on autism can be seen in relationships with "normal" children (whatever they are) as well....
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What options do I have in regards to visitation? (MICHIGAN)
Posted: 4/14/2008 10:34:28 AM
From the information he gave, he did sign away his rights which can be done in most states with an officer of the court present. It is then filed and signed by a judge...
If that isn't what happened in his case, then he has his facts wrong but I can only go on the facts given...not that it really matters.
Sit in jail/mess up a semester of college or sign ANYTHING giving up any rights to my child? Easy choice there IMO and I think the same conclusion would be reached by most parents. Like I said in my original post, something seems fishy in his story...
 Lookin4Possibilites
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
What options do I have in regards to visitation? (MICHIGAN)
Posted: 4/14/2008 3:50:26 AM
Um, you hadn't reported your car stolen? I gotta tell you, something sounds really fishy about your story and this isn't the time to be creative with your information.
Your biggest issue is that you signed away your rights and you need to fight the battle to get them back before you can even consider visitation.
You need to talk to a lawyer, lay all your truthful cards on the table, and get into court. IF you are able to get those rights reinstated, the courts can recommend a visitation schedule. You can recommend a supervising service. Here is a site for looking up some local services... http://svdirectory.com/

 
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