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 Author Thread: This is why I have preached against commitment
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/6/2010 10:38:43 PM
I also want to add this. I titled this thread carelessly. I did once preach against commitment and marriage. I don't any more. I will always believe that it's thoroughly important to be yourself and be independent. But committed relationships and marriage can be a great thing. Lord knows I wasn't finding fulfillment in lesser relationships.

Even though my last two committed relationships ended badly (and I do understand my culpability in both), they were very good at times. They enriched my life. One gave me my son. The other changed my life in other ways and brought a lot of positive things out of me.

I wish you all luck in your pursuit. As for me, I plan to avoid going back to being the bitter, angry person I was the last time I went through this. This is my life. I've found that it's a lot more enjoyable when I share it with someone. I have to believe that I will find that person who will be in it with me for the long haul.

A lot of what has changed my life is the recognition of mortality. I recently had a good friend pass away unexpectedly. At the same time, four friends and former colleagues have been diagnosed with chronic diseases - three of them aren't likely to make it more than a few weeks or maybe two months.

We only go through this thing once. I lost a lot of time to being bitter and angry. Some prime time, at that. I became very selfish and self-centered thinking that was the way I would ensure my happiness. This woman, as much as she has hurt me now, showed me how much more enjoyable life is when you have someone to share it with; someone to introduce new interests and even passions into your life and to build a common history that is so special. Losing that with her is going to hurt for a while. But, dang it, I am going to find that woman who wants to write the next chapter with me - hopefully the final chapter.

It's taken me a lot of therapy and counseling to get to where I am. The bitter and angry amongst you, save your money. Take it from me, all you do is burn time and spin your wheels. What took me thousands of dollars to understand is that what I'm craving is what I railed against. I'm human. For a while, I thought I was a machine. Try not to focus on the hurt that was dealt to you, but look at how your former SO enriched your life and how you wouldn't be the same person. Enjoy the good and learn from the bad.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave thoughtful responses.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 50 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/6/2010 9:18:11 PM
No, not married. Engaged.

In any event, I didn't confront her about yesterday's call. I did, though, when she made another call tonight. I've asked her to move out.

Case closed.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/5/2010 8:49:28 PM
First of all, this has nothing to do with bisexual vs. straight. Cheating is cheating. Straight, gay and bisexuals are the same in that there are just some bad seeds among them and that there orientation doesn't determine whether or not they have some kind of derelict sexual cravings.

To my knowledge, she never had a same-sex before this encounter. Doesn't mean she didn't.

Yes, I know my son is most important in all of this. Thanks.

I've immediately booted every cheater in my life (including my son's mother). I've never given it a thought that I could work through it. I'm a bit older and more patient now. I've never had better times with anyone as I have with this woman. None of the other SOs in my life have impacted me as positively. That's why I am giving this careful consideration.

I appreciate the advice. I intend to make a decision within the next few days. Most of you have given me some things to think about.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/5/2010 1:47:22 PM
If it was me, I'd go and meet the other woman. Have a nice talk to her. Then lay out her options on the table... As in she has one only... Get lost....
Point out to her that you can and will make her life miserable...if she doesn't take option #1

I've already done exactly that.



OK, I guess I misunderstood when you said the above
Yes, you are right,why keep her around


Notice, I said that in past tense. I've learned a lot about her in the past four days.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/5/2010 1:43:27 PM
Why not try to keep her around, for your son's sake, only as a friend and when and if you feel like you can do that.


A lying, cheating person of such weak character that she can't make good on a second chance is hardly to type of influence I want around my son.


It's redundant, and your son is the one who doesn't need to deal with all that.


Agreed. I'm only grateful that my son was spending the past week with his mother and hasn't been around since I made this revelation.

As for allowing her to stay, her parents live 35 miles away. She can move back home.


Maybe she called her to tell her that she can no longer carry on this relationship that they've been having, breaking things off.


No. That took place two days ago - supposedly.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/5/2010 1:29:24 PM
Thanks. We've already had those discussions and she told me this woman meant nothing to her. I mean, she's cried to me and told me she can't live without me and will do whatever it takes to get us past this. I set the parameters for her, which started with her ending all communications with this woman. And she's broken it already.

I took back the ring, so she's technically not my fiance any longer. But I haven't yet kicked her out. Knowing she talked to her today (while I was cutting the grass, no less) has me really questioning her intent to be truthful to her claims. It's just another lie right now.

Oh, and the best part is they work for different companies that work together. My GF's company provides a service to this woman's company and this woman is one of two direct points of contact between the two companies. When their companies learned they were friends they were told not to carry on a relationship outside of work because it was unethical. I could pretty much destroy them both with one email. If I end this relationship and have to break my son's heart, I'm plenty vengeful enough to go through with destroying them.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
This is why I have preached against commitment
Posted: 6/5/2010 12:59:09 PM
Here I am again. Some of the long-time posters here may remember me from the past. I may have been the greatest anti-marriage evangelist on this site. Hell, I even refused to date for longer than 6 weeks.

Then a couple of years ago I met someone who changed my life. I brought her into my son's life and my home. I asked her to marry me and she accepted. Three days ago I learned she was having an affair with another woman. That's a new one for me. And, guys, when you and your friends have that hypothetical conversation about whether it would be better or worse, it's worse. Much worse. Trust me, I know the feeling of both kinds of betrayal.

Now I'm feeling all kinds of fun emotions. I'm not sure what to do. A part of me want to try to work through things because she has become such a big part of mine and my son's lives. She's been a great influence in many ways. At he same time, she's been lying to me for months. Not sure what to do. And, after I was very clear with her that she was no longer to speak with this woman, she called her today. She doesn't know I know. She checks her phone account on my laptop and her password is saved in my browser so I'm able to snoop.

Well, advice folks?

I apologize if this is in the wrong forum.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 60 (view)
 
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:05:25 PM
I'm pretty easy to figure out. Just peruse my profile and it is a judgment on who I am as a person. I know and understand my flaws and why relationships don't work for me. I am unapologetic for who I am and have no interest in changing. I have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish from partaking in a serious romantic relationship - I'm a dad - and now I have my focus where it needs to be - on my child and myself.

It's a lot easier to be a prick when you have accepted that you are one.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
How do you fight that...
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:43:02 PM
You're telling me you have no friends, no family, no acquaintances that would be there for you in a pinch?

Don't pin such expectations on a potential partner. That's a lot of responsibility for one person to endure. You need to work on you. Just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Get a dog, take up a hobby, join a sports league at the local gym, become a bar fly ... you don't have to be lonely or alone. And being in a relationship isn't going to cure your problems.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
 
What to do
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:39:46 PM
Well, you've taken the first step and realized the problem lies with you. There is something about your personality that makes you attracted to the wrong types of women. I commend you for the introspective analysis.

I suggest you seek professional psychological help. The people here are largely all filled with some form of pop psychology, but none of them are really qualified to help you break your reckless pattern.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
2 weeks into a great new relationship and you win the lottery, now what?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:28:47 PM
Depends on the nature of the relationship:

If this is a "new" marriage, you're pretty much screwed. But, if you got married, you only have yourself to blame for placing yourself in that predicament.

If it's "new" as in you've been dating for like a month ... dump him or her then claim the winnings at a later date. Your life is about to change immeasurably and your "romantic" prospects will increase dramatically as a result.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Are divorced people afraid of long term commitments?
Posted: 4/19/2009 5:04:36 PM
Without reading any of the other posts here, I jut want to answer the basic question as posed in the subject line: No they aren't, but they should be. You know the old axiom - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Learn your lessons in life, folks. Don't make the same mistakes twice.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 561 (view)
 
would you marry for money?
Posted: 4/19/2009 10:56:45 AM
Is there any other worthwhile reason? Love is a myth. Companionship fades, as does physical attraction. Marry for money and at least your bills will always be paid and you'll have opportunities to do things you probably never imagined you could.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 92 (view)
 
Who Is Most Likely To Marry AGAIN?
Posted: 2/29/2008 1:59:09 PM

Men with higher incomes and education are more likely to remarry than men with lower incomes or education.


I love being the exception. Being like everyone else is boring. Now I just need to get every woman I know, from my mother through my co-workers, to stop asking when I'm going to do it again. Ever notice how much it bothers women when they see a single guy over 30 who's doing well for himself, has a seemingly good personality and has at least average looks. Every woman I know at least casually is constantly pestering me about finding someone and getting married again. I've never fully understood why they do it. It's almost like they can't stand seeing me happy
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
No time for a relationship -Cop Out?
Posted: 2/29/2008 12:44:40 PM
Some of you people I get the feeling don't really know what having no time means. Now, if someone says that to you after maybe going on a couple of dates, then yeah, it's a cop-out excuse that he/she doesn't want to see you any more. If you ask a friend why he/she doesn't have someone in their life and they tell you that, it's probably the truth.

Relationships take two things - time and effort. Some people really don't have the time to make the effort and understand that it's better to avoid the whole mess at this point in their life instead of starting into something with someone knowing that it's only going to end in heartbreak for both parties. I look at myself. I'm lucky if I have one free night per month. My life isn't always going to be that way, but it must be right now.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 12:32:41 PM


Women made marriage dangerous for men. Now they're complaining because we don't want to step on the beartrap.

That's very eloquently said. That's going into my profile along with some other favorite quotes.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 12:25:47 PM

Which brings me back to my statement that women are allowing men to use them.


Explain to me how men are using women by not getting married? Better yet, what are men getting for committing?

Marriage is such an antiquated, useless trap of an arrangement - it should be abolished in terms of being recognized legally. If you want to do it for religious reasons, that's between you and God. But the law should have no control in marriage.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Who Is Most Likely To Marry AGAIN?
Posted: 2/29/2008 9:48:14 AM
The good news about this is that the true winner of feminism are men!


I don't blame feminism.. It played a role in the way things have evolved, but only because of other factors. Why didn't the feminist movement take place at an earlier period during the course of human history? It's simple, really. Technology never allowed for it to happen. There were feminist movements dating back to the 18th century, but they weren't realistic let along plausible and hence they always failed.

What happened during the 20th century was the evolution of technology and conveniences that did two things: 1 they destroyed the value of women in the home. The chores no longer were an all-day event and they had much more free time on their hands; 2. they made jobs less physically demanding allowing women to do many jobs they physically could not have endured without technological advancements. These developments initially appeared to open the door for women to become "liberated."

But the door always swings two ways. With all these new conveniences (microwaves, idiot-proof machines for washing and drying clothes, day care, vacuum cleaners and even the swiffer), men started to realize something. They saw women - whether it was mom or grandma - able to work a full 40 hour week and still care for the home and thought "Why can't I do all of that for myself?" It turns out, we're completely capable ... even at raising babies, which people always said men can't do.

I just look at my own life. Every woman I have been with is completely useless domestically. They can't cook or clean. None of them know how to act around a child. Then I look at myself and wonder "Why do I really need one of them around?" Sure, there's some good reasons to have a woman in your life, but I don't need one. That's why I'll date plenty of women, but I'm not giving any of them the legal right to rape me financially.

A female friend of mine asked me the other day about being worried about letting a girl get away ... she suggested that commitment is worth it because you don't want to let a good one get away ... as I told her, who cares? There's always a replacement somewhere ... they're all a pain in the ass after a while, anyway .... but maybe the next one will know how to cook
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:35:53 AM
I can answer this ... it's relatively simple, really, men are starting to realize that wives are relatively worthless unless you want to start a family. Marriage is nothing but a trap to men and it puts you in a situation where if your not happy, your screwed and you better make damn sure she's happy because regardless of who ends the marriage and the reason, the man is going to pay through the nose.

It's not the fear of divorce, it's that the whole thing sucks divorce or not.

Plus, answer this - why do men and women need each other any more, aside from the obvious need for them to come together to have children? Women don't need men for financial support. Men don't need women to take care of the home and raise the children. At one time, not so long ago, those roles were vital to your very survival. Now, gender roles have eroded, for better or worse (and I think it's a little bit of both). Oddly enough, one recent study has shown that gender is going to be meaningless in pretty much every way within 20 years. Eroding roles are creating gender confusion and some psychologist believe that within 20 years being bisexual will be the norm.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Who Is Most Likely To Marry AGAIN?
Posted: 2/29/2008 6:19:17 AM

Only never-married men avoid marriage, because they don't know how good it is.


This is quite likely the most ridiculous and asinine statement I have ever read in all of my years hanging around these forums.

Quite frankly, I would love to see the generational breakdown of these remarriage numbers. I'd love to see how men in my generation match up. Men in my generation are much less in need of a woman than our older brothers. Wives are pretty much useless to us because we don't need them to provide for us, and quite frankly, most women under the age of 35 are ill-prepared to operate a household.

I can see all of this being true for older generations of men because most of them were raised in households where traditional gender roles were still at play and men were not prepared to care for their own domestic needs. Younger men largely have been trained or have learned on their own to do all of the things that were once considered "women's work." Hence, the younger generations of men have little need for a wife unless they want to raise a family, which statistics show is becoming less and less of a priority among young men.

In short, while I always say one of the core truths in life is that men are stupid when it comes to women, they seem to be wising up.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
why does it take guys longer to heal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:14:38 PM

It's usually not unbeknownst at all. Most women try to discuss, fix, figure things out while everything's good, and then give up. If he's clueless, it's most likely because he doesn't care, doesn't think she really has a problem, or doesn't pay any attention to the situation. RARELY is it because she hasn't made some sort of attempt to fix it.


Yeah, but it's hard for guys top decipher what is actually important from the normal nagging and complaining
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
why does it take guys longer to heal?
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:33:41 PM
Again, I have to go back to one of my infallible facts of life: men are stupid.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Who Is Most Likely To Marry AGAIN?
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:43:25 PM

Now Yami, I know you're gonna say my fella's a fool, and that's OK. He's my fool, and I'm his. We'll just have to foolishly keep forging ahead without fear, I reckon. :)

No, I wouldn't call him a fool. If he were with anyone but you, I'd call him a glutton for punishment.

Sounds like a good guy, though, FC.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Who Is Most Likely To Marry AGAIN?
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:06:26 AM
FC ... there are exceptions to the rule ... plus, while you may look like you're in your early 30s, your profile says otherwise.

More than likely, guys my age are going to find themselves running their household, married or not.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Who Is Most Likely To Marry AGAIN?
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:52:27 AM
This thread just confirms what I have always believed ... men are stupid.

Funny, though, all the divorced guys I know personally have never remarried. I think it's because they're younger - of my generation. There's no such thing as women as the "caregivers" or as the ones who make the household operate any more. I think these guys, like me, have figured out that wives are pretty much useless today except for having someone to suck all that heavy cash out of your pockets.



More likely it's someone who enjoys having a commitment and having regular sex.

I always thought marriage was the surest bet that you wouldn't be getting regular sex
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Sad Day for Steelers Nation
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:40:37 AM
For those of you who may not yet be aware, journalism legend, NFL Hall of Famer and long-time Steelers radio color man Myron Cope passed today at the age of 79. Please bow your heads, have a moment of silence and send Myron a "double yoi" from the heart.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 149 (view)
 
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:59:10 AM

‘Course, you’re not able to ever experience Real Freedom, or not as far as this stranger on the internet can see.


I equate real freedom with perfection. Neither is truly attainable. But the pursuit of either one is a noble venture and not one for the weak in mind nor the feint of heart. I never expect to achieve real freedom. That wouldn't be realistic. But I will pursue with vigor. Some may say it's a Quixotal quest. And perhaps they're correct. But who doesn't have a windmill or two in their lives? Who's more delusional: the person pursuing real freedom, or the one playing powerball?


IMO, Interdependence is a much healthier way-of-being, where you very much own yourself and are able to be with and relate with other people well. It is, again my considered opinion, how we function best and it is through the lessons one must learn to be interdependent (some of which are humbling) that one becomes self-actualized. Bit of a paradox. I’m not explaining this as clearly as I’d like..I might come back to this later… my thinker has been on overload the last few days, and there’s a thought rattling around in there that refuses to form.


IMO, interdependence is status quo. One can either simply acquiesce or avoid it at all costs until it becomes necessary. I find it much more satisfying to find my own solutions even if I know someone is standing next to me with the key. Buy a fish, eat for a day. Teach yourself to fish, feed yourself forever. In other words, while I view interdependence as sometimes necessary, I see it as surrender.

FYI, I don't employ my personal beliefs on this topic to my business practices. Business is much different.

Covey's quote I find to be quite inaccurate and short-sighted. Research would back me up. I could explain why or let you take a stab at it. Here's a hint: Look to your friends Jung, Meyers and Briggs.


So, your need to be independent is a weakness?


In the eyes of some, I'm sure. From a different perspective it's made e a much stronger person. Instead of taking, I do. Instead of asking for help, I learn. Instead of surrendering to "I can't," I succeed.I know I will never be able to eliminate interdependence from my life, as vile as I believe it to be. But I know I can minimize it and become a better person in the process.

Also, I wouldn't call it a need for independence, I would call it a desire. If I needed independence I would have offed myself long ago for my many failures and disappointments.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
NHL Deadline trades!
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:31:16 PM
Yeah, I didn't get the caps trades, either. Federov? Why?

As for the comments on Gill, we'll take him gladly. He can't hurt our PK, which is close to if not worse than that of the leafs. Aside from Orpik, the Pens have no physical presence on the blue line. I think he might just be a better fit here. The pens have plenty of speed throughout the rest of the lineup to make up for what Gill lacks.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 361 (view)
 
Is sex the motivation for mature adults to seek a relationship?
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:24:27 PM

What's the difference between a prostitute and a woman you take out for dinner hoping she will turn into a sexual conquest by the end of the night?


One's a sure thing.


If men want to pass their genes on, then hire a surrogate mother and raise your seedlings yourself....or is that the responsibility you were hoping to manipulate a woman into doing for you as well?


It would be great if my son's mother was as involved in his life as I am. I'm sure my brother would've been grateful had his wife not ran out on him 10 years ago leaving him to raise three children (8,6 & 2) on his own. But, yeah, we're looking for a woman to manipulate into raising our children. We certainly couldn't handle doing it on our own.


... so, yeah, essentially my brother and I already did the surrogate mother thing, thanks.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
NHL Deadline trades!
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:55:31 PM

That Hossa deal was so horrible for my beloved Pens. Why trade so much talent for someone who could help us win a cup this season(not likely) but be gone come July 1st.


As someone who toughed it through bronchitis to watch that pitiful offensive display on Sunday live at the Igloo, I respectfully disagree.

Here's the way I look at it. The East is wide open. The Penguins took the major step to get to the Cup this year when there is no front runner. And they gave up very little.

They gave up Esposito, who many think is vastly overrated (even some inside the Pens organization, apparently), Christensen who has never lived up to his potential, Armstrong who, aside from being a fan favorite, is nothing better than a grinder on a third-line and this year's first pick (the biggest sacrifice). In return they get that highly talented player to put beside Crosby and Dupuis who blunts the loss of Armstrong.

Your top two lines, when the team gets healthy, will likely resemble this:

Roberts Crosby Hossa
Sykora Malkin Malone

You now have two top lines. If one doesn't kill you, the other one will. Teams will have to pick their poison the rest of the way out.

In addition, the acquisition of Gill is huge. Pens need help on the PK something fierce. Gill will keep people out from in front of the net. Also gives them another physical presence in addition to Laraque and Orpick and vastly upgrades an average group of blue liners, in the defensive sense.

My only disappointment is that they did not move Sabourin. He has perceived value at the moment and I think they could've cashed in, even if it was only for a draft pick. His last few starts he's been very shaky. With Fleury back, I don't see him getting much time. He's really a wasted roster space because they can't send him down to WB/S
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 358 (view)
 
Is sex the motivation for mature adults to seek a relationship?
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:38:42 PM

If sex is the only part of a relationship that is wanted by men, there are plenty of prostitutes that would appreciate the business and any further repeat business that is offered. Just pay, and you won't have to put up with all the other crap that goes along with a relationship..........or do men just hang around to see what other freebies they can get from decent women who earn an honest living for themselves. How much money do men spend wining and dining a woman and wasting valuable time trying to manipulate them into sex..............seems to me, a hooker would be much cheaper.


In theory, that sounds great because when it's all said and done, even a high-price call-girl is cheaper than a wife. The fatal flaw in that plan is that men, like women, are looking to procreate. Men instinctively want to pass their genes on with the best mate possible. Hence, not a prostitute. That's why men put up with all the BS. It all comes back to sex. Because we're thinking animals we feel that it has to be something more and we try to rationalize it as such.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 357 (view)
 
Is sex the motivation for mature adults to seek a relationship?
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:04:46 PM

I have always wondered what that means for me , since I've never had a need/desire/want, biological or otherwise, to conintue the species?..so, what could possibly be my motivation?


You may have never needed, desired or wanted consciously to continue the species, but do you know why you have a libido? It's nature's little way of working on you unconsciously so you will continue the species. We're all still animals ... thinking animals, but animals none the less.


Is so seems that men either never did care for love and romance, and were faking it for the sex side, or they've totally rejected the whole thing...and I just find that sad...


Of course men don't care for that crap. They'll say they do. Some men will even contend what I'm writing here. But the nature of men is to reproduce and do whatever it takes to get the job done. You give a man a choice between jumping right into sex or doing all of the other BS first - flowers, dinner, movie, cuddling and so on - and 99% of the time they'll dive right into the sex.

Sex IS what drives male-female relations and has for the entire history of our species.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 139 (view)
 
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:39:52 PM

Self comes first, but we surely CAN take on passengers.


ie. baggage. I believe in traveling light


People will disappoint us every chance they can!


Yup. Why give them the chance? I personally keep low expectations for all of the people in my life so I'm not disappointed when they do something dumb.


I think healthy people are never truly subject to the whims of another because they---even though they may feel vulnerable and may truly need that person---won't allow themselves to be mistreated to a degree that becomes problematic in that it goes unresolved.


I'll say it again, if you allow yourself to need from someone, you are dependent upon that person for whatever that need may be. You have handed that person power. You are now subject to that person's whims.


That said, a person that truly loves you wouldn't crush you with their whims. They just wouldn't.


Oh, FC, you know all too well my feelings about "love." Don't think I need to go into detail on that one again.


Ricky adores me and he indulges me,


Congrats. You're deserving.


Relationships are fluid and are full of give and take.


I do enough of that in my working life to do it in my private life. I'd rather enjoy my time than listen to a list of complaints about how I'm not doing what she needs.


Have you ever needed something you didn't want?


Yeah, a shot that saved my life. It's really a very difficult choice for a person with needle phobia.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 351 (view)
 
Is sex the motivation for mature adults to seek a relationship?
Posted: 2/26/2008 9:44:40 AM
Well, they're your flesh and blood ... and if you raise them well enough, your retirement plan
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 349 (view)
 
Is sex the motivation for mature adults to seek a relationship?
Posted: 2/26/2008 9:36:42 AM

If there wasn't a biological need to continue the species, we'd just all be friends

^^^the correct answer. Who the hell would put up with all the BS of a relationship otherwise? Romantic relationships are the most personally taxing and emotionally draining things we do. In what other situation do you find yourself doing all kinds of crap you don't want to do, going places you don't want to be and putting up with in-laws? Why do we put ourselves through it?
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 129 (view)
 
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:57:01 AM

So you stand to isolate yourself. Which is what WAY too many people are doing.


I disagree that way too many people are doing it. The truth about real freedom and independence is a frightening idea to most and the path to it is rife with peril. But if you achieve it, the rewards are remarkable.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Rudyard Kipling


NEEDS are healthy, I don't get why people want to resist it.


And I contend that need is a weakness. They need to be kept at a minimum. The basic needs are shelter, food and water. If you keep your needs to that very basic level and provide them for yourself, life will be happier. Everyone desires or wants other things, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep it on the level of a want and not a need because the rewards are no greater when fulfilled, but you are risking more with a need than a want.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 127 (view)
 
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:44:24 AM

Were you starting to say "because of the way she made me feel when she treated me like a second class citizen", but caught yourself? You know that's horse shit! Own it, darlin!


No, I actually got caught between saying "she made me a second-class citizen" and "she treated me as a second class citizen." Truth is, she didn't make me a second-class citizen, but she did treat me as such.

She taught me all I need to know about needing another human being. Need is a sign of weakness. When you show weakness, it will be exploited. That's the lesson I learned. I was always the more dominant, aggressive person. I took one opportunity in my life to put someone ahead of that and I was exposed for it. So, yes, I will own it. I made the mistake of putting myself - for once - into a position where I came to need someone. People who don't fulfill their own needs are the ones who are exploited in this world. It was a hard lesson for me to learn.


Someone else said something about need and dependence. They're the same thing. You can't separate the two. The only way you can be dependent upon someone is if you need them for something. As soon as you need anyone for anything, you are dependent upon that person and at the discretion of their whims.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 109 (view)
 
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:22:10 PM

Yanno, you wouldn't have your son if you hadn't needed his Mom, and all that came with that. Do you need him? :)


Actually, I didn't need his mom. If anything, she was holding me back from being myself and finding the person I could be. I thank her for bringing our son into this world, but I have a great deal of disappointment in her and always will because of the way she made treated me as a second-class citizen.

So I stand by what I said, when you allow yourself to need someone, you lose self. Losing self is the absolute worst thing a human can do because you find yourself living another's life.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/23/2008 5:10:07 AM
I've always been a big fan of threads that cast broad stereotypes

I am the exact opposite. I hate when a woman "needs" me because I sure as heck don't need them nor ever will. When a woman tells me she needs me, the relationship is unofficially over because it's just fallen off the cliff ... it won't be too long before it hits the rocks at the bottom.

Never allow yourself to "need" anyone. That's the surest way to lose yourself. Once you've lost self, you're living a life that is not your own.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Romantic Love
Posted: 2/21/2008 12:40:26 PM

lol YamI BUT....as you said...nothing ventured nothing gained. (are we in some kind of loop here?)

I sure did ... point being that sometimes the something ventured is a waste of time because there simply is nothing to gain.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Are you the 1
Posted: 2/21/2008 11:51:41 AM
I know that I'm not. It's pretty simple. Ironically, the type of person that I would be "the one" for is the type of person that wouldn't interest me.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
No, it's not a 'lie'
Posted: 2/21/2008 11:47:52 AM

what if it isn't? Can you afford to take that risk?


What risk?

I'm a big believer in the phrase "nothing ventured, nothing gained." But sometimes you can venture all you like and will never gain a thing. I remember when I thought there really was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Somewhere along the way I learned that the only thing you got by chasing the rainbow was all wet.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Getting along with your family members
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:29:40 AM
I don't even get along with my family, so it's meaningless. In fact, if she got along with my family it would create a lot more questions than it answered.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
No, it's not a 'lie'
Posted: 2/20/2008 6:12:53 AM
Oh, there's no doubt romantic love is total BS. That's why so many marriages fail today. We try to hang relationships on this very shaky idea. In the past - before day care, before modern conveniences made it very easy for men and women to get along without one another - a man needed a woman and a woman needed a man in order to survive. That's not the case anymore. When I can take care of every necessity in my life and still have plenty of leisure time left over, why do I need a woman? What is going to bond me to her for the long haul? What is going to make me or her want to even fight through the tough times?

As recently as the late 1970s, there was no such thing as day care. A single parent (male or female) could never have gotten along unless they could find a reliable babysitter. So much has changed in western society during the past century and that includes the nature of marriage. Our parent or grandparents (and in the case of some of the folks here, themselves) needed one another just to survive. That's not today's world. I don't need anyone to take care of my son. I don't need anyone to support me economically. I don't need anyone to care for my home. I've had people ask "Well, what if you would become sick or disabled?" Well, I assume then that I should marry as a contingency?

You're chasing a ghost, folks.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
On Love and Marriage
Posted: 2/19/2008 12:43:35 PM
Marriage and love are about as useful as a playstation to someone marooned on a deserted island.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 106 (view)
 
How has withholding sex affected your relationships?
Posted: 2/19/2008 11:52:24 AM
My ex wife did this. She used it entirely as a weapon. Whatever she wanted, that's how she'd go about getting it ... sometimes going as long as six months.

There was a bonus. I learned that life without sex really isn't that bad. The bad side is it made me suspicious of every woman out there because I always think they're out to get something more. I'll never be able to shake that suspicious feeling. It's really damaged every relationship I've had since because I end up holding out because of the neurosis I've developed.

... and people ask me why I pay someone to try to psychoanalyze me
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
 
People under age thirty should not be allowed marriage.
Posted: 2/19/2008 11:23:51 AM
To heck with an age limit ... the whole damn institution should be abolished as it is outdated, irrelevant and unnecessary. As humans we've evolved beyond any benefit marriage can afford. The only reason anyone should get married now would be because of some silly religious dogma. Really, the whole institution is a sham.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 58 (view)
 
What men and women seek and expect?
Posted: 2/19/2008 11:11:25 AM

So i decided to test this theory and messaged the men... saying im a nice girl, good job, own home etc want to talk to me? and guess what? they didnt reply...I wonder why? lol so then.. i got sneaky..and i got my very good looking attractive slim brunette friend to send the same message and guess what? her inbox is full, every single one replied


This goes both ways. At one time I had a joke pic on my profile. Along with my other pics, I posted a shirtless guy whose face you couldn't see. Had the rock hard abs, giant pecs, etc. I made it my primary pic for a few days and got more unsolicited messages from women in those few days than I would normally get in a month. So ... it's not just guys.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 366 (view)
 
would you marry for money?
Posted: 2/16/2008 6:58:43 PM

I think it's wrong to marry anyone for money as it should always be for love


The irony in this statement and this entire thread is that until sometime during the last century, marriage in western society was an entered into for economic reasons. The vast majority of people throughout the history of civilized man were married for monetary reasons, not for love. Men tried to score the bride that came with best dowry. Similarly, fathers would marry of their sons and daughters to cement business relationships with the father of their new son or daughter in law.

Those bonds actually stood the test of time. Now we marry for "love" and more than half the time it blows up in our faces.
 yamihere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 364 (view)
 
would you marry for money?
Posted: 2/16/2008 6:51:45 PM
^^^hence the reason it's not worth it
 
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