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 Author Thread: frigid people
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
frigid people
Posted: 7/31/2008 11:08:17 PM
LMAO@ msg 13....too funny.

Well, once upon a time or two, I was called just that....frigid. I wasn't. I had been through a brutal rape in early adulthood that almost cost my life, then married to an abusive man, divorced, then the one calling me frigid was my second abusive husband. I was raised by puritanical parents and secluded to the point of it being ridiculous in modern times, so with all that going for me, it's a wonder I ever learned to enjoy sex, but I did. It just took the right man, going about things the right way.

When I first read your initial post here, I thought maybe she had been through something that caused her caution. You say you've dated her for 3 yrs. and she won't try new things (which some folks aren't into if familiarity is their thing. What exactly is the problem? That isn't really too clear, in spite of some of the other answers here. Is she not willing to have sex at all? Is she just not adventurous enough for you, or is she just timid? Or is she truly cold, unemotional, and distant? If she does have sex with you, does she enjoy it? If not, see if she will talk with you about why. It could be because of values she was taught that are askew, a chemical imbalance, or any multitude of things, but I would suggest some loving communication from you in a non- sexual situation (so as to make her more at ease) and see what she says is the cause of it. You must care for her, or you wouldn't have been there for 3 yrs. JMO
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 140 (view)
 
Anyone else always fall in love but are never loved back?
Posted: 7/29/2008 1:27:40 AM
Ha, story of my life hon. But, I totally agree with Jecull in that I haven't given up. Maybe someday, someone will feel every bit as deeply for me as I do them. If not, the search is still better than accepting defeat without even trying. I would say one of my greatest detriments has been when I found someone I felt so deeply for, I gave freely of myself and didn't really take a good look at how they might or might not feel about me. I just closed any other options down because I knew what I wanted and it wasn't someone else. Had I kept my options open and my feelings to myself, I might not have set myself up to go through that. Unfortunately, I'm not good at keeping my feelings for someone hidden, and it does (at least in my experiences) tend to make me an easy target for users/players. I've been trying to rectify that, and I guess only time will tell if I have or not.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Heya, question for the ladies
Posted: 7/29/2008 12:58:43 AM
I don't know that this is what happened in your case, since I'm not privy to your conversations with the lady, but based on what you said in your post it could be a possible answer.
You say she told you she loved you, then a couple weeks later began dating another guy and then fell for him. (He was there, you weren't....one possibility)
You say she doesn't want to speak to you again, because you can't "open up" to her still, even though she supposedly loves you and always will. (possibly loves you as a friend, but felt you kept her at a distance emotionally, so decided to look elsewhere. Still, if she found someone, and just loves you as a friend, why end the friendship? Is her new love jealous of friends?)
Sometimes, there is no logic behind another's thoughts and actions except in THEIR own mind and heart. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it could even be that she has said that to more than just you, and finally found someone who would say it back to her now. For some people, that validation is what they seek most, although everyone likes to hear they are loved from time to time at the very least. For some, they want to HEAR that confirmation and will choose to be with someone who is just paying "lip service" rather than with one who hasn't said it but has shown it in other ways. I don't know if these options have helped you understand her "logic" any better, but I hope so.
Only she knows for sure why she did what she did.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 399 (view)
 
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 7/29/2008 12:39:12 AM
I really don't know what to tell ya, except that I know and always have known what I wanted from a man and it most CERTAINLY isn't to be treated like crap, although that did happen more often than not. A person can't always predict who their heart will draw them to, but as I've learned over the years, it doesn't mean they need to "park it" there. Yes, you are right in that a relationship should feel good, but it doesn't always end up that way, even if it seems to have started out right. I know in my own case, it wasn't me not knowing what I wanted, it was in the other parties saying they wanted the same thing to get me to commit and then weren't able to deliver. Maybe the frustration of that got to them and was the cause of their abusive "crappy" behavior toward me, I don't know. Nice guys do get dumped on....so do nice gals, unfortunately. The thing is, neither usually go into a bad relationship EXPECTING it to be bad, it's very often just a self-destructive attraction we feel to a certain "type" or just plain bad luck choices. Hang in there, there ARE good women out there, they just might not be the "type" you've always been drawn to. Maybe you should make a list of what traits you do want in a lady, and then when you meet someone, go over that list to see if she naturally fits it. In other words, don't make excuses for her to make her fit where she obviously doesn't. You'd also have to spend quite a bit of time getting to really know her in order to see if she was a good fit, and it might stop you from getting too serious before knowing exactly who you were with. Good Luck.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Played again...
Posted: 7/29/2008 12:12:54 AM
Yep, that IS pretty much how a person feels after being played...been there far more often than I would have liked, and ...though I hope I'm wrong...it may not be the last time. Like you, I've always let my feelings be known to a certain degree, and assumed others were being as honest and forthcoming as I was. Also like you, I didn't want to become embittered and often wondered how I was supposed to trust anyone again, especially when (to protect myself somewhat) I would ask the other party questions in an attempt to gain some clarity on EXACTLY where I stood with them, but recieved evasive answers for whatever reason. It only served to make me more skeptical.
As others here have stated, there IS no way to really tell if you are being played until it actually is happening, and by then it's a bit late. Still, I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life fearful that EVERYONE out there COULD be a potential player, because the truth is, anyone COULD. It doesn't mean they ARE though, and you have to learn to trust yourself. Look at those you have let into your life and see if there are any reoccurring patterns that might be drawing that "type" to you, or you to them. If so, make the necessary changes to stop the pattern. That, or deciding to never let anyone else in seems to me to be the only options you have in trying to prevent getting played again. Just my opinion.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 84 (view)
 
betrayal online: is this cheating or fun?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:51:59 PM
You probably were right, but then again, it depends.
I've always been myself, online and off, but so many I've talked to online have had the attitude of, " don't be so serious, you can be or do anything you want online, so why not do it?" That is not to say that he was or would cheat on you in reality, just that you had evidence that was very convincing and his admission that it was a "game" to him. He might have cheated, or might not, but from what you wrote here it became a mute point after you discovered the messages to another woman. You say he even told his parents what he had done...that (to me) would indicate he never intended any harm and probably did see it as just a fun past time. Unfortunately, it seems others share that view and don't stop to consider that some online and offline seek to meet others with serious intent. They end up getting hurt by those who "play" with no real intent to follow through in mind. Your guy may have seriously only been "killing time" and trying not to feel quite so lonely, but he was very insensitive to you and to the other party by what he did. That is why I said you were probably right to "dump" him, as you put it.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Feeling a little hopeless
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:33:49 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you... I know how it feels. Unfortunately, you can't make another person feel for you what you feel for them. In my case, the fellow decided to not only go his own way, but drop a friendship of many years. We were never physically intimate, yet about as intimate with regard to each other's heart and mind as two people can be. It really hurt losing that friend...my best friend for so long, but now enough time has passed that I can see it truly was for the best. We had had those deep feelings for each other for years, but never spoke or acted on them. When we finally did, we were blinded to alot of things (at least I was) that were clear indicators that we would never be compatible as a long term couple. After we went our separate ways due to a decision he made to do so, it nearly killed me inside. I wondered if I would ever get over my feelings for him, much like you have stated....I didn't know how to stop loving him. Well, as the saying goes, time heals all wounds and it's true to a great degree. I will always love the person who was my dearest friend for so long, and those memories will always be there. Still, time has healed my heart and I'm no longer in love with him and haven't been for a long time. The lady was right in that your problem isn't that you can't let go, you haven't wanted to....and I understand that, but when you are ready to, that's when the healing can start. Good luck to you.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Looking for different ways to cook fish
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:36:52 PM
wow, alot of good recipes submitted here....mine are relatively simple that I do for the kids since they aren't into heavy spices or creams, and they absolutely hate breaded meats. I usually fix any frozen fish I buy in the microwave, since it saves time. Usually 5 to 6 min. on high for most cuts, and 7-8 for tuna steaks or salmon.

I use a baking dish with a lid, and melt half a stick of butter , blend in 1/4 c. lemon juice, then place my fish fillets in...turning each one to coat, then sprinkle fairly heavily with lemon pepper seasoning.....then place the lid on and microwave according to the above directions. Another way they like it is to take steamed tuna or any other aromatic fish, chunked and tossed into rice that has been cooked with dillweed, then sprinkled liberally with lemon juice. Serve it with plain yogurt on the side.

But, an all time favorite summer dish of ours when I was growing up was a salad my mom made with salmon, mackrel, or tuna. Because we live in the South, it was convenient for her to buy the canned fish, but it's even better with fresh baked or steamed fish. She would prepare maccaroni and drain it, then cool it with cold water to chill it a bit, draining it a second time. Then would add a mixture of chopped onion, salad dressing (miracle whip usually), pickle relish and then fold in the fish. She'd do it in the morning and chill it for a couple of hours, and then serve it with pork-and-beans and either steamed asparagus or broccoli, and sometimes just grilled or baked veggies.
Simple, but very tasty.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Asparagus 2008
Posted: 4/19/2008 11:53:34 AM
Hmmm, those recipes all sound great, but my favorite is to buy paper thin smoked ham from the deli, spread a bit of prepared mustard on it, then roll up a couple of steamed asparagus sprigs in each one, placing them in a baking dish until there's a couple of layers of them....then melt 6 Tbsp. of butter, throw in some chopped green onions to saute, then add 6 Tbsp. flour to form a rue. Then slowly stir in 1 1/2 to 2 cups of milk to form a thick creamy sauce. Once thickened, remove from heat and stir in 6 oz. shredded cheese. Pour that over the roll-ups and bake it for about 20 min. in a 350 degree oven......heaven on earth!!!!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
please help looking for recipe
Posted: 4/19/2008 11:40:07 AM
ok....don't know exactly which recipe you want...just the cheese sauce or the one with other things added.....but go to cooks.com and you can pretty well find any of them you want.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 83 (view)
 
lonely within a relationship
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:28:23 PM
Yep....in most relationships I was in, but very definitely in both my marriages. Don't wanna go through that again either, was the worst feeling in the world for me.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 45 (view)
 
saying i love you too soon
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:26:38 PM
Savona is so right....it's kinda silly not to say it if you feel it, and why on earth would another be afraid of hearing it? Even if they don't return the feelings at the same depth, at least they were told. Life is far too short to be agonizing over someone telling you one of the greatest things they could...that they love you.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 44 (view)
 
saying i love you too soon
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:16:07 PM
You know, OP, love is kinda strange....it hits some people fast and hard, others it will sneak up on. You did the right thing telling her to "slow down" ...not because her feelings are invalid, but because yours aren't running parallel to hers. She could be needy, she might not be...the thing is she said "I love you"....she didn't say "I'm IN love WITH you" ! I tell my friends and those close to me I love them all the time, but I'm not in love with them. She probably did mean it the way you took it, but then again, she might not have. Only she can answer that, so why don't you ask her?
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Unbelievable! A risk rarely considered...
Posted: 2/19/2008 5:34:24 AM
Yes, just not on this particular site. It's really sad. Glad you found out sooner than wayyyyyyy later though!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Sex Drive
Posted: 2/18/2008 8:18:39 PM
If she openly admits she'd hit any other man that walked in for sex....and wouldn't do the man she claims to love and find attractive....she's either lying (sorry, but it's just how I see it), or there is something you have DONE to make her feel that way. You say you ask her and she says it isn't you....then ask her point blank what it IS then. And don't take..."I don't know" for an answer...cuz she knows, whether she wants to say or not. I'm really sorry for you, especially since you've made such changes to show your love and she isn't willing to recieve that love now (cuz that's how it sounds). Maybe what she wants is what I wanted and never got...just someone to hold her...without it HAVING to be sexual....sometimes that alone can help ease the tension and makes things better for when a sexual connection is wanted later on.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 360 (view)
 
Are there ANY women who don't CHEAT?
Posted: 2/15/2008 10:04:39 PM
Yeah, but you prolly wouldn't believe us if we told ya....
I've been on the other side of the fence, and asked the same question about men, much for the same exact reason you did. Ya just can't let yourself get bitter over the decisions of a few butt-heads.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
when you mess up a date!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 2/14/2008 11:08:35 PM
Lol, bless your heart Jason....that's bad, but funny at the same time. I really can't remember a bad date...unless you wanna count the one where my second husband proposed to me,lol. It was pretty bad. We were at Logan's and waiting for our food and he pops out with something like, "what do you think about us getting married?" We'd been having just a general, light hearted discussion up to that point, so smart-azz me pops up and says, "sure, why not, we aren't doin' nothin else"....joking around....turned out, he was dead serious! Looked like he'd been slapped! lol...I felt so bad, guess it's one of the long list of WRONG reasons I married him.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Good Kisser? Says Who?
Posted: 2/14/2008 10:42:18 PM
Hmmm, when I answered this, I was thinking about the men in my past...then it occured to me...I am not sure if the man I've most currently kissed has said one way or the other, lol. But then again...he could have...I just might not have heard what he said due to total meltdown, lol. He does have the tendancy to make my head spin and make me weak in the knees!!!!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Good Kisser? Says Who?
Posted: 2/14/2008 9:40:01 PM
When I was younger, I didn't think much about it (probably because I was always shy and never really kissed that many back then) but every man I ever kissed as an adult always told me...every one of them now that I think about it...that I was a great kisser, lol. I didn't think it was that big a deal at the time , just that they liked the experience. To me, it was just the way I kissed, and thought they were just trying to find something nice to say. In talking to a couple of them about it later on, apparently that wasn't the case. One of those guys I talked to a few years later actually told me that I was the most sensual kisser he'd ever known....talk about being stunned! Heck, I just thought it was a regular old kiss, lol. Oh well.

happinessisfree is sooooo right!!!! A man that can open his lips willingly, generally can open his heart, and OMG, a good kisser....and I'M SOOOO THERE!!!!

Several of the posters here have good points....to me, a kiss has magic when the lips first touch...and there doesn't have to be such intensity in the beginning that it chips a tooth, lol, but there needs to be some feeling/passion/emotion there, or it's just lips touching. A good kiss to me....soft, slow, gently moving toward exploration, with the growing expression of the attraction each feels for the other as it deepens, and as one dear poster put it.....when it's right, the clothes just seem to fall off by themselves....and that's all I'm gonna say bout THAT, lol.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Common Courtesy
Posted: 2/14/2008 9:23:54 PM
Some act as if people have gotten like everything else....disposable. It's rotten, but true. I'm sorry that happened to you.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 39 (view)
 
I don't get him help
Posted: 2/14/2008 8:39:18 PM
Ok...just for clarity...

he still calls two or three times a day, it's just chit chat. Nothing ever about me and him. And i've tried to bring it up twice and he just shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it and tells me that i'm going to make it worse for myself if i keep bugging him
??????? worse for yourself? Exactly how is that? when he won't talk about the "us" thing? Sounds to me like he wants to keep you as a friend but just forgot to let YOU in on it, or has some idea of keeping you on the line...like maybe he's seeing someone else but just in case she doesn't work out....???

I tell ya what...now this is just me...but if I were seeing a guy, and he was doing that...I'd just go on about my life, and when HE started wondering what was going on, I'd just plainly tell him....you want to be friends, we're friends. When you actually want a RELATIONSHIP...let me know.

He may be doing this because he thinks, "where's she gonna get another young guy like me?" I know...it's stupid, but some guys and some women think that way. Like they are doing someone some big favor. It's up to you to decide whether you wanna take that kind of behavior or not. JMO
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Thorny Issue
Posted: 2/14/2008 2:53:51 PM
Well, it was nice of you to offer....she declined at first you said....then later accepted. Did you put any stipulations on it? You said you told her you wouldn't ask for it back, yet you didn't expect things to turn out like they did. If you gave it without any provisions...then you're just out the money by the goodness of your heart. Sometimes things like that happen. Maybe she'll pay you back on her own, but if not, I wouldn't ask since you say you'd already told her you wouldn't.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Foreplay techniques
Posted: 2/13/2008 6:50:25 PM
I was taught to do something very similar to this many years ago by a persian lady...in preparation for marrying a relative of hers....they train their women in the art of pleasing a man before marriage. No, the marriage never took place.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
A porn question from an old man
Posted: 2/12/2008 5:25:09 PM
LMA totally O!!! Too danged funny dude!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is concealing or exposing the body more provocative?
Posted: 2/12/2008 4:26:04 PM
I would think partial exposure would be sexiest of all...just enough to tantalize yet enough mystery to make one want more!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 117 (view)
 
How do YOU handle rejection?
Posted: 2/12/2008 4:08:56 PM
Well hon, that's just her, all people aren't that way. Maybe she has no social skills, yet wanted to know what she might be able to improve on...who knows? You didn't make a mistake, you had no way of knowing she'd go on a rant, and you did nothing wrong. In fact, sounds like you were as gracious as anyone COULD be under the circumstances.

How do I handle rejection...well, of course it stings sometimes, but hey, I think of all the people in the world and realize the few that aren't into me aren't really all that significant. They weren't a major factor in my life before....so why make them so now, just because I wasn't (as you put it) "their cup o' tea"?
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Out of the mouth of babes......
Posted: 2/12/2008 3:54:51 PM
Me either, and I think you are right on the money with this one!
I was talking with a friend just today about my son and his teen buddies (male and female) and how they freely tell each other "I love you" and hug constantly. Yes the guys hug the guys and tell them how much they mean to each other and none of them are gay....the girls do the same...they are like one big clan...and have each other's back at all times. Why can't adults do that? was the question we put to ourselves. It truly is a shame how much adults close themselves off in the name of being "emotionally mature and responsible"....yeah, right! I know I can be ok on my own, but heck, we pretty much all crave the closeness of other human beings, whether it be family, lovers, or friends...and there is NO shame in that. It doesn't make a person childish or childlike...it just makes 'em human. For my part, I'll hug those dear to me, tell them I love them, don't give a rat's azz what anyone thinks about it, and if I'm lonely and need someone to "Hode me" as you put it, I dang sure ain't above askin for it!!! You go gal!!!!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 260 (view)
 
Soulmates? Do they / can they exist??
Posted: 2/12/2008 12:52:57 PM
Well, didn't apparently turn out to be who I thought it could be....but there were two (not one) from around 20 yrs ago that contacted me, and things stayed "vanilla" for a while, then BOOM!!! From out of nowhere, things started happening and OMG...it's like our lives parallelled for years and we never knew it...not to mention the "dang you make me feel so ....EVERYTHING!!" factor. I'm thinkin' heck yeah, they exist and WOW!!!!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Reading your partner's emails...how serious an offence?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:55:35 AM
I'd be pissed....not because I'd have anything to hide, but just the fact he thought he had to spy on me rather than ask me something straight out. If I were dating someone and they wanted to see what I say to my friends, I wouldn't have a problem with it...he could read every single one I sent...but doing it without me knowing? Sneaking? Nope....that's disrespectful.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Should Guys Get Valentines Day gifts?
Posted: 2/12/2008 11:49:07 AM
Ok, OP....that just ain't fair! They won't let me post one here, but you can go check your e-mail.....Happy Valentine's Day from a Tennessean (we just naturally volunteer, lol).
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 28 (view)
 
What does it mean to be DESPERATE ?
Posted: 2/12/2008 7:52:24 AM
Lol, hon, I'm not in my 20's any more either and I tell ya, even when I WAS there wasn't as you say "endless opportunities to click with someone". Why? I live in a really small town, and because of how I was brought up, I limited (not realizing it at the time so much) who could be a possible "click" dramatically.

No, showing your genuine feelings and being honest shouldn't make you look desperate...it's just that some don't expect them to be shown early on. That's when panic hits and the "oh no, he/she is desperate" thing hits, and the other party runs. I'm a very affectionate person by nature, which REALLY goes against the way I was raised. Kinda like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. I dated a guy once who told me he was having second thoughts....I felt to desperate and clingy for him....when I asked him what gave him that idea, he indicated it was because I'm too open about my affections, and too giving of my time and attention to him....basically he thought of it as overkill, I guess. I told him, look...this is me...I don't NEED you in my life, but I do WANT you to be a big part of it, but if it bothers you....find someone else because this is just part of who I AM. He left....then came back....then left again for someone else, lol. Still, I haven't changed that part of myself, because I'm just very straight forward and most people are so used to games and beating around the bush, they can't deal well with someone like me. That's ok...it just means I am more limited as to who would take an interest is all, but then I don't reckon I need the whole world to want me either, lol...and I've found some who are accepting, and that's cool by me.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
how is your dateing experiances on P.O.F?...feel free to share!
Posted: 2/12/2008 7:32:16 AM
So far, so good....joined due to badgering of friends, didn't join to date.
Re-connected with some old friends from the past, and made some new friends.
Love the forums, learned alot, and helped a few.
Found someone very very special in one of those re-connections, and dunno where it will lead, but I am loving the journey!!!! It is one of those rare, great surprises life springs on ya when you least expect it, and has had me smiling constantly for the past couple of weeks!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
I feel as if I'm the last of a dying breed
Posted: 2/12/2008 7:25:37 AM
Don't you DARE change a thing!!! God bless you for being true to yourself, and I'm so sorry you've been hurt by such hostile people. And yes....priorities in this world have gotten MAJORLY twisted. Someday (and I know you may be tired of hearing this but it IS true) there will be a TRUE lady who will respect that you are the way you are and love you in part BECAUSE of it. And honestly, you are right....you are part of a dying breed, but not the last of it...because I know a guy much like you that just blows me away! It will happen hon, just don't give up, and don't give in....be YOU.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
New bride dies in her love's arms during their first dance
Posted: 2/12/2008 7:20:41 AM
That has GOT to be the saddest thing I ever heard!!! And still, she at least got to realize, if only for a brief time, the dream of being his wife. I feel so heartbroken for this man who lost his love on such a special day and far too soon.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 100 (view)
 
should you stay with someone who cheats on YOU....
Posted: 2/12/2008 7:09:43 AM
In answer to your question...yes. Still, you offered a second chance and that person blew it. Time to move on hon, and hope you find TRUE love in the future.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Have You Ever....
Posted: 2/12/2008 6:59:55 AM
More times than you could possibly imagine OP. And I did ask myself what I could do to change...because what happened with me was I HAD changed, but into a person who was not ME in order to try to make others happy. So, I started trying to get back to the real ME ...the ME I could love and be happy with. Oh, I saw myself as a great person, I'm very giving, very loving, supportive, and basically put myself last on every list anyone could come up with...which in itself is good in some ways but was to the extent it became a turn off to others because it left me being a doormat because I WAS last even to myself...as if I didn't even matter to me. So, I began to change that. I still am a great person (so other's say, and I believe), I still am very giving, loving, supportive, but I also know now when to draw the line and put myself in the mix as being just as important as anyone else, and MAKE the time to take care of my needs now. Amazing how other people change their view of you when you change the view of yourself. I too was one who was a fairly jolly person...until I let all that pull me down, then when I made those changes, the bubbly personality that was formerly ME came back.
I've been told I'm too nice (and was when I was being the "doormat" by not taking care of my own wants and needs in life, and when it comes to guys I'm interested in, I am and always have been painfully shy (even at my age!), and as to the grow a backbone thing? You don't have to be "ugly" to people to have a backbone...just more protective of your own interests. For instance.....and this is JUST an example...say I have a problem where a friend or someone is pushing me to do something. Look at the situation. Is the friend considering YOUR best interests, or are they just wanting what they want and bulldozing you to get it? If the latter is the case, then just tell them, you know...I would, but this could cause some issues for me, so I'm sorry, but no. That isn't being a b****, it's just making sure you aren't getting used or dumped on.

I never thought (even after I got MYSELF back) that I would have that special person walk into my life who gives me those tingles you spoke of, and who's voice I crave...but when I least expected it....voila! It may turn out to be more than a very close friendship, or it may not. The thing is...hope is there where it wasn't before, and that's a good thing, but it very well may NOT have been had I not made the changes in myself that I did. They don't always have to be a major inside and out overhaul, just the very inclusion of myself into my heart and mind as being important made a huge difference in how others see me now. Hope this helps.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Relationship minded...But No Woman to hold ! Im Losing Hope!!!
Posted: 2/12/2008 6:32:27 AM
Ok...you really want help? Here goes:

first off, try to put up another photo where the light is more even...and smile!!!!! The smile in the photo you presented looks strained/forced.

Why did you put "prefer not to say" on the 'do you have children' question? One reads that and assumes yes, so why not just say so???? It isn't like it's not expected for children to be in the picture for most people.

Then there is your "about me" section...which almost sounds angry. You can say the same things you want to say but in a more presentable fashion, because that could be very well part of the reason you aren't getting much interest. I don't mind helping you with that if ya want. Be glad to.

Then on your restrictions....you have a ton on there that really don't need to be, in order to get what you want. You have:
Female
Age between 24 and 43
Live in United States
Live within 75 miles.
Must not be looking for Hang Out
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not be looking for Activity Partner
Must not do drugs
Must not be married

Ok...you can cut the "live in the USA because the profile tells where you live, and the "within 75 miles" covers it.
Your profile says you are looking for someone marriage minded, basically serious relationship material, so you don't need to even put the "must not be looking for hangouts, other, intimate's, or activity parners". The last two stipulations are fine. So what you'd be left with is still what you want, just not a repeat and not so imposing....

Female
Age between 24 and 43
Live within 75 miles.
Must not do drugs
Must not be married

Good luck! Hope it helps.

JoeinNC...I only see two things troubling in your profile...and there ain't a thing wrong with your looks, you're nice enough looking. Thing is, you are slumped sort of in your main photo, and it kinda has a "wet blanket" effect. The next thing (being a woman with kids) I noticed is you say you have a son AND a daughter...you go on talking about how your son is your life and you hardly get enough time with him, yet no mention of the same loving relationship with your daughter....kinda makes it look like she doesn't matter (not saying she don't...just gives that impression based on what I see there) and might make women think you consider "females" not as important. That can be very off-putting to alot of women. Just food for thought, hope it helps.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Soo CONFUSED!!! What am I suppose to do? Plz help!
Posted: 2/12/2008 6:05:12 AM
Not trying to be harsh here, but you admittedly messed up big time....thing is, he knew it and was fine with it til he left to take care of his mom then over time apart, finally woke up and didn't want to be disrespected anymore. Sure, you might have already stopped what you were doing before, but how does he know it won't happen again? He doesn't want to chance it, and I can't honestly say I blame him. Been through it more times than I can count myself and it ain't fun being on the recieving end of that. Maybe your hurt will heal in time and you can move on. The thing is, you may still love him, but I think...just from reading your post...you feel more guilt than anything, and truthfully, you CAN move on, you just aren't letting yourself. You need to get to a place where you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I forgive you", mean it, and then maybe start to heal and not pull this stuff on someone again. JMO
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Marriage vs Dating
Posted: 2/12/2008 4:17:29 AM
I understand what you are saying, but I don't quite share your pal's view OP. The dating part I agree with. Yet to me, instead of marriage being a binding contract to be together whether the couple wants to be in the future or not (which seems very negative and almost like that person is against it totally), it is a contract that binds two hearts who have decided they want to be together forever and will do their utmost to ensure that outcome (which is more positive and determined to succeed). Just a different vantage point I guess.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 298 (view)
 
Why do you think men don't cry?
Posted: 2/12/2008 4:09:42 AM
As another poster said, they are taught to push down their feelings and not express them....something I deliberately taught my son NOT to do...he is all male, believe me, lol....but he knows how to let his feelings be known with no guilt or shame.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
By my valentine.
Posted: 2/11/2008 11:10:45 PM
Your initial idea was wonderful...but if she's indicated she really really wants to go slow...then how bout this...you wanted to do lunch....pack a picnic lunch with all the valentine reds and pinks for the plates and such, and that way it's casual, and still romantic but not pushy, and include a couple of flowers for her hidden in the basket, or deliver some to her work...something simple and pretty saying you enjoyed her being your valentine (she did agree to be your valentine after all!). You might also decide to do something playful, like the picnic, then send her a YOU WON MY VALENTINE'S DAY CONTEST FOR BEST DATE! and send a few flowers with coupons, good for kisses, dinners, etc....you know, things not tooo naughty she'd be teased at work, but stuff still romantic enough for Valentine's Day. Good luck whatever you decide to do.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Real Meetings or Dates from Plenty of Fish
Posted: 2/11/2008 9:47:14 PM
Rowdy is right...and I can tell ya, I don't know bout others on the site, but everyone that has met me from other sites (in person) says I'm EXACTLY like I am online, lol. I guess there ain't no hidin' a real hillbilly, lol. Oh well, I was also told the only thing bout me that was different was my pic, and even those look like me, just the cam don't take all the scars and stuff you see up close and personal, but I tell folks that up front. So really, ya can't go by one experience, cuz those same people met others who were nothin like they seem online, yet I was. Just give it some time....might be better than ya think!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Do you find yourself becoming apathetic about finding love?
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:48:08 PM
You know, I've often felt as you do, and I wasn't even dating! It was because past relationships had failed and never seemed to go anywhere except downhill that I wouldn't LET myself get involved with anyone. Like you, I didn't expect them to work out....but yanno what? I was dooming myself and didn't even realize it. I'm sure you've heard that what you believe about yourself can show through to others, and it just may be. You can't get a different result if you keep doing the exact same things...so do something different...expect that things will work out -> eventually!!! That should be a small enough first step for you to manage. It doesn't mean things will work with every man you date, but it does mean you haven't given up hope and it does mean your attitude is positive, which could be what alot of the problem has been in things NOT working out. Try that small change for a while, and see if things don't change in WHO you attract, and how things go. Good Luck.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
How can I stop doing this?
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:35:26 PM
Just like ya did here OP....tell them you might be friends but all else is off limits. What worked for me? Getting some self respect and quit being a doormat for guys, for one thing. I've always been the "dear abby" type...for my guy pals and all, and even in a relationship I was there for them as much as I knew how to be or as much as they'd let me....but there comes a time when you want more from the relationship than being a sounding board. That takes standing up for yourself and saying," look, I don't mind being here for you, but I don't like the fact that that is all you seem to want with me, so if I'm not more than "advice" or just an "ear", you need to move on." It might shock them, but it also might make them respect you more.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 29 (view)
 
How come my relationships with women only last 1-2 weeks
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:29:28 PM
smileyface34 is right OP, you really DO need to ask the ladies themselves why they ended it with you...let them know up front you aren't looking to get back together, just curious as to their reasons and tell them to be honest about it. That's really the only way you are gonna know for sure. Good luck hon.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 51 (view)
 
At what age do we lower our standards on dating?
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:15:10 PM
Why on earth would ya ever have to lower them? If you do, then you are considering options that may cause issues for you later on, and it won't be the other person's fault, unless they've somehow misrepresented themselves. There is such a thing as having some common sense, though, when it comes to having standards. Saying that someone HAS to have a certain hair color, eye color, thick or thin lips, large or small build, etc.....is fairly petty if gone to the extreem. Yeah, I have my preferences, just like everyone else, but when it comes to standards, I stick to the REALLY important stuff. Yanno what...I've always been attracted to the country boy, tall , dark, n' handsome type, but I've been spending alot of time with a wonderful fair-haired guy lately who flat out rocks my world! Why? I have found more "in sync" with that man than anyone else EVER in my life and I thought my best friend carried that title unchallenged, lol. And the thing is...I wasn't even looking like many of ya'll on here are, OP. I'm older now too, but I haven't changed anything about the quality/standards of what I REALLY want....just remained flexible about the not so important things...and no, I don't feel like if things turn into more than a friendship with him later on that I've settled...I feel if it does progress, I've found a rare and beautiful person that I might have overlooked had I been so staunch and superficial in what I was willing to open my heart to. JMO
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Insecurty..what is abnormal?
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:04:31 PM
I don't find it normal...I find it a subtle form of control. He may or may not realize that is what he's doing, but it is...he's isolated you from friends unless he's around, and wants you all to himself, and wants to be your world. Well, making someone first priority in your life is not a bad thing in and of itself, unless doing so makes you LESS of who YOU are....and in this case it is if you can't function as you would normally have had it not been for his insecurities. It may actually not be so much that he's insecure...he may have just found that a good pout can make you feel guilty enough to let him have his way about EVERYTHING....it truly is how it sounds. Yeah, you have a great relationship...as long as you don't cross him or do anything on your own as an individual, because that would mean he had lost control of some part of your life. Think on what I'm saying hon....I'm not telling you to break up with him...I'm saying see this for what it may be, and face him with the fact that what he's doing is changing you from the person he fell for into someone else, and love doesn't do that. JMO
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Love and Attachments
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:43:43 AM
I'd think that partner had been hangin out with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes a BIT too much!!!! lol...hey, JMHO!!!

ok, after reading some of the other things you say OP, I have to agree with the jealousy thing ....I've always felt the same way...if someone is with me, they wanna be, and if not, they'll go, and all the jealousy and fits or constraints can't make them stay. It's just a waste of time and energy. It doesn't mean that person doesn't care as deeply for you as an ocean...it just means they understand that your being part of their life and love is YOUR decision which they can't really do much about because it IS up to you. If you belong to her/him, you won't stray...if you don't...nothing they do can make you stay. Pretty simple, very true!
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 58 (view)
 
What's the OPPOSITE of a guy afraid of commitment?
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:40:42 AM
Yanno...though I didn't have the seemingly happy outcomes your relationships had, I used to feel much the same way...seemed like I never "dated" anyone, just went from one relationship, to a few weeks "vacation" , then the next one happened to pop up! It wasn't planned, it wasn't something I looked for necessarily....but like you, I just wanted to find love...real love...and spend the rest of my life with a partner. Unfortuantely, I didn't find it back then. When my second husband left, I was also afraid I'd make the same error you are afraid of making. I took time to work on myself to ensure that didn't happen. I feel ready now to take that step, I just have some legalities to take care of is all. I have even, by chance or divine intervention, been blessed with someone in my life who might very well be who and have what I've searched so long for. Guess time will tell, but to me, it was worth deliberately waiting, and no, you aren't necessarily DESTINED to a new relationship in months...you were just repeating a pattern that maybe now you want to break, as I did.
 regalrose
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is it normal to like or have a crush on other people while in a relationship?
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:03:03 AM
There is something else you may not have thought of....her interpretation. To her, having an infatuation from afar that she'd never act on could be the same as a crush. Different people view things in different ways. Maybe she doesn't mean that she is actually actively "interested" in the guy....just thinks he's cute and likes him as a person but would never ever move on that. Still, I understand the hurt that must have caused you in just knowing it, regardless of how she views it. It was very insensitive of her to do that to you, even though you value the fact she was honest about it.

Personally...when I'm interested in someone...it has always been that there was no one else in the world....as if all others were just faceless and nameless...if I'm into someone, there isn't ROOM for another love interest. That's just me though.
 
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