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 Author Thread: Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/11/2014 10:20:20 AM

You have a very simple, yet complicated problem. The problem you have is one of instant gratification. This is the result of living practically half of your existence on a virtual world of gaming, where you are constantly doing something, overcoming something and moving to the next level. However, reality, real humans, do not work like that. Reality takes a little longer for things to happen, for things to connect.


I know all about the pit falls of gaming, which is why I do my best not to apply the same expectations towards reality. But my problem isn't so much being instantly gratified, its just that things become easy, monotonous, mechanical. I wasn't instantly gratified when I started playing piano, or the violin, or composing, or producing, or djing. Those things took time and lots of practice and a desire to go further. Eventually I reached a point where I could play (for the most part) what I wanted to play, I wasn't terrified of big piano scores with lots of notes; I knew the structure, I knew how to approach practicing it. The learning aspect of it was the most fun; its the part after learning that really drains me. Perfection, playing completely relaxed, with expression. Being able to express yourself and let loose the music. Constantly playing the same thing over and over again, to get it just right. That is the real killer for me.

Personally if anything, I havn't found something in life that can really challenge me everyday, where every time you do it feels new and refreshing. Things just get too easy.


But let's start with two important things. One, do you like sex? Do you ever masturbate? If the answer is yes, then think how much better it will be with the real thing. Second, do you enjoy sharing time. And I do not mean here, while putting on the fake "charm", but the real YOU.


Of course, but I'm not interested in being a player or a sex charmer. Just because I may be 'hot' doesn't mean I have to fit the mold that hot guys bang girls all the time. As for being myself, well, I know one person where I can really just let loose and be myself around, and it feels great. Most of my other friends that I know though, I have to make certain compromises.




I have some news for you. The main reason simulators were invented was not to give you some kind of fake experience, but to keep you from breaking the very expensive machinery that other people own. Your time in a simulator counts for almost nothing. If you don't believe that, then go ask someone to let you solo their Dauphin because you've racked up 500 hours in a simulator.


Relax, I said its a portion of the experience. I just said I like playing them, I like studying the controls, and getting a 'feel' for how something operates. Yes, its not real. But that doesn't make the experience or 'feel' any less valid to me. It's just something I like to do occasionally. I'm not going to argue about the validity of simulators on a dating forum.



Speaking of priorities, maybe you should explore the drinking and interpersonal inhibitions before you try taking on a real woman for more than an hour. Until then, internet porn will always be an option. Just remember that watching hours and hours of it will never make you a great lover.


I probably should; I'm generally more relaxed after 3 drinks. But I have recently started opening up to some of my friends, and progress has been good. And a good masturbation life is a healthy life :)
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/10/2014 9:42:30 PM

This makes me feel like an old man scolding a kid for playing too many video games, so I'll put it another way...


Well, this isn't really necessary. You are assuming too much here.


Nobody on this planet has ever invented a dating simulator program that works. You're never going to learn how to interact with people of the other gender if all you're looking at is a computer screen or a TV.


Again, don't assume I'm looking for a dating simulator because I like to play simulations; its a hobby. It's something I do to meditate when I'm by myself.


Get into some real-life social situations. Join a co-ed softball or volleyball team. Meetup dot com has all kinds of events that are almost always co-ed. Join a church group. Join a volunteer group. Join a bowling team. Get OUTSIDE where real people live and breathe. Now, here's the hard part... try to do these things SOBER. You'd be amazed what life is like when you can still remember what mistakes or successes you made the next day. Bottom line... it's not just the venue that needs changing - it's how you decide to act IN it.


I get plenty of real-life right now. I know what kind of person I am, and I know what I like and don't like. Those are things that after living on this planet for 23 years, I know I don't like. That's just the way it is.

I think that you should back off on the assumptions; And take this word of advice into the real world as well: Don't be so rash to judge someone based on their interests, especially if you don't know the full story. You'll be more likable around others.
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/10/2014 5:13:58 PM

If you don't have "it in you", right now, to date, then don't. Right now, at your age, you should be exploring and discovering. With that, you will start seeing and feeling things that you don't enjoy, and then some that you may. That's what this time of your life is for.


Thats why I take on so many interests! because I don't have any commitments like having my own place or children or legal issues. Currently I've been doing a lot of simulation racing, its fun and challenging and theres a lot to study and learn (even if it is virtual). I was thinking about trying some helicopter simulations once I get proper flight equipment.

Sure, none of it is real/truly applicable in the real world, but its the cheapest way to get a portion of the experience without having to invest into flight school/driving school costing thousands upon thousands of dollars.

But sometimes, it feels as though this is not enough. Thats why i'm still contemplating on dating. Thank you for the advice, sometimes it helps to be reminded of what my priorities are.



Do you have the same issue with male friends? Can you sit and chat with them? Introvert? Extrovert?


I find it easier to open up to some of my male friends (but only after a few drinks). But I sometimes have the same issue with them as well; there just comes a point where I run out of material to use. And with them its easier to space out for a few minutes at a time because they'll be playing a game/computer or on their phone.

When I'm sober, there are some large gaps in me talking when Im around friends (which is why the optimal number is always >2 when I am there, so they can occupy themselves while I'm "afk"). I tend to be a listener most of the time.

The story is a little different when I drink, as I'm a little more crazy and willing to do various stupid things for the fun of it.
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Great Musican Qoutes /Thoughts
Posted: 7/10/2014 3:13:53 PM
Zappa's music was ahead of its time mostly because of his interactions with Edgar Varese, who was an avant gardist at the time. But I have to agree; if its not open, your going to come crashing down.
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/10/2014 2:50:39 PM

Is there not stuff to do for free in college? An organization to join? An internship to pursue? An event to attend? Another class to take? Getting involved can also expose you to new people, maybe some people who challenge you more.


There are various events at the college, but I dont personally attend much anymore. I went to the gym for a while when I tried to quit smoking, and there was a trip to a theme park (which was sadly a couples thing) that I went on myself. I also tutored for a few months. But from my experiences, I dont generally like the culture surrounding my college, and I'm generally unhappy with the outcome with those events. I decided some time ago that those things aren't for me. As for, internship, Im looking for a co-op placement (a requirement for my program).
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/10/2014 2:42:06 PM

Yes. try Syria or Iraq. All the chaos you could ask for.


There was a time when I was contemplating going there, a friend of mine suggests I join the army, but I'm still undecided if thats a route I want to take. If I join the army, then I want to go on a tour, not be a reserve or some guy working in an office doing paperwork.


Then you probably need to do some serious self-examination to ascertain exactly why stability and longevity don't have appeal for you.


I think I've done enough of that; some people enjoy stability and sameness, while others feel constricted by it. Im a bit of an adrenaline junkie so you know which group I belong to.
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/10/2014 10:38:41 AM
What I mean by relationship, is some form of 'practice'; getting used to spending some intimate time with someone, sharing experiences, etc. I'm not looking for marriage or children.

The thing that separates a person from a hobby is that a person is dynamic; everyday can be different. However from my experience with hobbies is that, I tend to get tired of them after a few months. I get quickly bored of stuff once I understand how it works/functions.

Strangely enough, when having a beer with friends, you start to hear the same things being said over and over again. I guess I'm expecting too much from life, but I wish life was a little more chaotic.

Perhaps I'm in the wrong place?
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Ambivalence towards dating/relationships
Posted: 7/10/2014 9:36:54 AM
Hi, I've been on POF for almost 2 years now (I tried it for a month, took a hiatus, tried it again, took a long hiatus, now im back again). I'm pretty bad at the whole dating thing, so I didn't have much success on here.

So far, I've only ever went on one date; and I've never been in a relationship before. Now after doing some introspection and reflecting, I think my issue is that I'm not really sure if I want a relationship. Some of my friends occasionally will keep pestering me about it, but I havn't found anyone that I can truly connect with and be myself around.

The way I see it, I can only be charming and outgoing for at most an hour; after that though I really need my spacing out time (why are people so uncomfortable with silence?).

I have lots of hobbies (I have a habit of taking on more hobbies as a stop gap for time) and I work/go to college. But I keep finding myself with having way too much free time on my hands.

So, I guess I want some advice; should I try dating again? If not, then are there any alternatives (budget friendly)?
 Igneous01
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 109 (view)
 
Classical Music
Posted: 3/31/2013 2:20:42 PM
I listen to a lot of classical. I tend to hover around late romantic and the post modern eras lately.

Listen to lots of Scriabin, Kosenko, Chopin, Alkan, Liszt. Schnittke is my favorite post modern composer.
 
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