Show ALL Forums
Posted In Forum:

Home   login   MyForums  
 Author Thread: My Joke Thread.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2329 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2010 2:31:30 PM
Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2328 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/16/2010 7:54:41 PM
I Got A Timex

My neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch !"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2326 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/27/2010 4:37:10 PM
Words of Wisdom

1. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

4. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

5.Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

6. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

7. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

8. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

9. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

10. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

11. I am a nutritional overachiever.

12. I am having an out of money experience.

13. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

14. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

15. A day without sunshine is like night.

16. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

17. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

18. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

19. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

20. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

21. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

22. And this one is the real truth, so pay attention: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2325 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/17/2010 4:08:22 PM
Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
Home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2324 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/17/2010 4:01:46 PM
24 Inches Rule

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had peni$es 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his peni$ and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the peni$ to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his peni$.

A few days later. the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches"

"No, it's turned black..."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2323 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/13/2010 4:51:23 PM
Newfy Trilogy!!

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2322 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/13/2010 1:30:04 PM
Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2321 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:56:42 PM

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, . . . I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2320 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/10/2010 5:00:49 PM
Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2319 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/10/2010 4:55:44 PM
SVU Birthday Gift

Two old guys were talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup........

Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2318 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2010 8:57:49 AM
Little girl on a plane

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2317 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/7/2010 8:52:32 AM
Serious trouble for Canada

True, Very True

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 30 million.

16 million are retired.

That leaves 14 million to do the work.

There are 8.5 million in school.

Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 1.5 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces

Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments. And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.

At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your a$$,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2316 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/5/2010 9:02:52 PM
Speeding in Ontario

1) Good: A Caledon OPP policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A
twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice
down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And
we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Kingston , ON . An $80 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $80. The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
Ontario Provincial Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the OPP
Ball.' He replied ' OPP don't have balls.' There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2315 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/4/2010 9:31:45 PM
A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid **stard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ***hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2314 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 5/4/2010 9:28:20 PM
Newfoundlanders have the Lowest Stress rate because they do not
take medical terminology serious, you are going to die anyway, so
live life and drink 'til you cannot lift your own mug!

Newfie Medical Dictionary

Artery.......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria........................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.............................. A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................ To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node............................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.............. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness........... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor.......................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2313 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/28/2010 5:21:28 PM

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck
my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa .
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2312 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/28/2010 8:25:46 AM
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed...

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2311 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/27/2010 10:01:14 AM
Bertie, the bee

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

At that very moment, a bee flew in through his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man answered.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees (etc!) flew to his car and into his gas tank. A few minutes later, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
'Wow!' the man exclaimed. 'What did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

Wait for it..

Wait for it.

Wait for it..

You're just gonna love this..

Wait for it..


I see you smiling!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2310 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/24/2010 6:12:36 PM

This is so true it's laughable.

Canada is the MOST taxed Country in the world...


Canadian Taxes - This is NOT Ripley's Believe It or Not...

1. Accounts Receivable Tax
2. Building Permit Tax
3. Capital Gains Tax
4. CDL license Tax
5. Cigarette Tax
6. Corporate Income Tax
7. Court Fines (indirect taxes)
8. Dog License Tax
9. Federal Income Tax
10. Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
11. Fishing License Tax
12. Food License Tax
13. Fuel permit tax
14. Gasoline Tax
15. Hunting License Tax
16. Inheritance Tax
17. Revenue Canada Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
18. Revenue Canada Penalties (tax on top of tax)
19. Liquor Tax
20. Local Income Tax
21. Luxury Taxes
22. Marriage License Tax
23. Medicare Tax
24. Property Tax
25. Real Estate Tax
26. Septic Permit Tax
27. Service Charge Taxes
28. Social Security Tax
29. Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
30. Sales Taxes (GST & PST)
31. Recreational Vehicle Tax
32. Road Toll Booth Taxes
33. School Tax
34. Provincial Income Tax
35. Unemployment Tax
36. Telephone Federal Excise Tax
37. Telephone Federal Universal Service Tax
38. Telephone Federal Surcharge Tax
39. Telephone Local Surcharge Tax
40. Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
41. Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
42. Telephone and Local Tax
43. Telephone Usage Charge Tax
44. Toll Bridge Taxes
45. Toll Tunnel Taxes
46. Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
47. Trailer Registration Tax
48. Utility Taxes
49. Vehicle License Registration Tax
50. Vehicle Tax
51. Watercraft Registration Tax
52. Well Permit Tax
53. Workers Compensation Tax
54. GST on EVERYTHING...including your funeral....


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was prosperous, had absolutely no national debt, had one of the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids!

What the hell happened?

This is our Canadian Government taking our money, who is living out of your pocket?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2309 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/23/2010 4:55:43 PM
Ain't this the truth . . .

Doing a roll call on the first day back at a Toronto school,
the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
" Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
" Here."
Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
" Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
My name is Michael Meyer."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2308 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/21/2010 3:44:12 PM

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first cheque Friday.

Damn this is a great country.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2307 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/19/2010 7:53:31 PM

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
you a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2306 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/19/2010 7:03:17 AM

Maybe this should be in a political section but I thought the explanation was humourous.

--From a teacher in the Nashville area.

"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream.'

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...

The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.
I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees.. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it... She didn't know.

The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream.

Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other 48 percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."

This is the ice cream Obama promised us!

Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone --
that they have not first taken away from someone else.

Did you vote for the ice cream?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2305 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/12/2010 7:39:38 PM

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

(This one is worth passing on.)
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2302 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/11/2010 5:41:07 PM
A Little Girl's New Bike

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa;
The dyck goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2301 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/9/2010 4:22:13 PM
Some Irish Humour

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


An Irish priest is driving down to??New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! ? What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.'


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2300 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2010 2:40:47 PM
Thought For The Day:

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings....

We simply continue to fly ......... on a broomstick...

We are flexible
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2299 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 3/3/2010 9:56:30 AM
Terrorism ?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide .

Let's see now...

No Jesus

No Christmas

No television

No cheerleaders

No Nude Women

No car races

No football

No baseball

No golf

No tailgate parties

No pork BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No nachos

No Beer nuts

No Beer !!!!!!!!

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

More than one wife.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else.

She smells just like your donkey.

But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean hello, is there really a mystery here?
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2297 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:33:28 AM
Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2296 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/18/2010 4:02:18 PM
Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty ... '

..............Mom Fainted
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2295 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:58:51 AM

Dennis, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room.."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2294 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/12/2010 4:45:27 PM
Spoken like a true man!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2292 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/11/2010 12:39:03 PM
The BBQ Season

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2291 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/9/2010 1:01:34 PM
Old Farmer's Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2290 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:59:04 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2283 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 2/1/2010 4:15:41 PM
God Bless The Newfie

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wit all dem lawsuits Going on I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat Action? I hears that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they Got cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?" The dear ole Newfie God bless his soul


"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all them ugly women I woke up wit...
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2280 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/27/2010 1:36:12 PM

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2279 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/25/2010 11:53:01 AM
Interesting Statistic

Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2278 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/23/2010 11:41:34 AM

Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2277 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:31:46 PM
Inner Peace: This is so true

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably .........
The Family Dog!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2276 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:27:56 PM
Holy Water and Turpentine

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2275 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:26:47 PM
That is really nasty!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2273 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/20/2010 1:16:02 PM
It's time to reflect on what a truly Canadian winter is all about

It's winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2272 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/19/2010 4:03:17 PM
Newfoundland Midget

Leave it to the Newfie to bring a big smile to our face

The testicles of a poor Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more.

The doctor reached for his surgical scissors and snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2271 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/14/2010 3:53:36 PM
Stimulating the Ontario Economy

Just in Case You Get a Cheque....
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Ontario government.

I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is Ontario's Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala ..
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada.

The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2270 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/11/2010 2:14:14 PM

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long......
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2269 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:22:56 PM

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it..

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a$$hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2268 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/6/2010 6:47:23 AM

No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc .. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin.

ITS THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS.........................
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2267 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:14:00 PM
Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 2266 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/3/2010 4:12:28 PM

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Show ALL Forums