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 Author Thread: Why did you message the last person you messaged?
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Why did you message the last person you messaged?
Posted: 7/10/2018 10:07:32 PM
Eyes

It was his eyes

Did I say eyes?

Jeez to the word minimum
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Mind-Reading Perfeckshun right out of the gate
Posted: 4/24/2017 4:59:07 PM

I find that if you cannot totally 'rock their world' in the first couple of encounters, they won't try again


I'm not sure that it has anything to do with you, but rather chemistry.

If it's not there, it's just not there, but I would guess people would mostly know that before sex?
Maybe it's a bit different for guys, in confusing chemistry and desire sometimes?

The non-vocal - for some people the noise is in their heads. I wouldn't take that too much as a definite as to if they were enjoying it or not. I had a "silent' partner and I know it was not 'trying to enjoy it', but just how he was. More of a kisser, eye contact type, more spiritual. Didn't open his eyes at first either.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Messaging girls
Posted: 12/12/2016 12:04:20 AM
There's such a big difference between your smiling and no smiling photos. I would use the first photo in the grey shirt as your profile picture. You seem much more approachable.

As far as your profile, I'd break up your description into paragraphs of 2-5 sentences each to make it easier to read.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Paranormal experiences. Anyone had them?
Posted: 12/11/2016 11:56:08 PM
More than I care to have them.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Mr NON-Sensical...
Posted: 10/1/2016 12:00:12 AM

That's the problem with dating women. They think they can make their own decisions about their own lives. That's why I avoid it.


First and last laugh of the day. Glad there was one today. Thanks (lol) :)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Do you HATE jewlery? / HATE the color pink?
Posted: 9/21/2016 8:54:04 PM
I like jewelry on other people just fine ... things catch my eye, usually unique things.

I personally don't wear it, it irritates me.

Pink is fine. I'll buy pink tshirts here and there, but to dress in it just to be pink is too "girly" for me. I don't identify with that. My skin is better with warm colors. Reds and dark blues are an absolute no no :)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 5:51:52 PM
These are some questions I would ask yourself

1) Why do I want to do this? Is this excitement? knowing someone still wanted you? wanting to know you are still capable of arousing someone's desires? do you miss being desired? it there a connection missing? am I missing touch and affection in general?

2) What would happen if you explained to her what you are feeling (one of the above or something else) and asked her if you could have an affair?

3) Would you feel differently about her if you knew she was currently in an affair?

I've been in your shoes. After thinking about it almost 2 years and knowing what I felt I needed and why, I explained it to my partner and asked if I could take a lover, so I understand a lot of what you are saying AND what you AREN'T saying. My situation was different than yours, though.

It is everything you are hoping for, but there is also a lot you wouldn't plan for that can make the experience range from "I needed this" to "it was what I needed, but there was a whole lot I wasn't planning on that I didn't need and I'm not sure it was worth it" to "it ruined my life (and/or other people's lives) and I wish I hadn't done it".

Just like it's almost impossible to give up the thought once you decide you want that, it's also impossible to go back to who you were and for your relationship with your partner to go back to what it is. It's will wind up being a win - loose - loose situation or a loose-loose - loose situation. No matter how it turns out, it will not turn out 'good' for all involved.

It doesn't sound like you are going to take the risk to leave the relationship. Admit to yourself that that is your selfishness. Anything done in selfish disregard can't turn out well in the long run (for you). Anything not done the right way can't turn out the right way (for you and the other person you choose to have an affair with). These are just the laws of nature and they aren't going to be any different for you.

People can warn you, but I know very well also once that seed is planted ...

My advice: talk to her and ask. Yes you have a life together, but you also have a one life to live. Midlife crises (which I'm guessing you are in) will put that forefront in your mind.

Unless you are prepared to leave and let her have a life too, anything you do from here, IMO, is going to range somewhere from bad to disastrous. You might be able to keep it just at 'bad' if you ask and get permission.

What is the worse thing that can happen from telling her how you feel about this? (I'm asking you, not asking you to ask yourself). I'd also like to ask how long it's been since you've had sex, if you care to answer (or not).
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 76 (view)
 
How do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/9/2016 6:47:43 PM
Try what I said ... you're blocked, right?

I can see where you have life planned out. It's obvious because you keep putting money and titles out there. They have no relevance to your questions, but somewhere deep down you KNOW it's a problem and you keep repeating that. You have life planned out. You aren't going to look at someone as a companion who is not going to fit what you have in mind. Because of this, that you are only looking at potential life mates, the stakes are higher for you, so you freeze. You can't "work at" finding a mate like you could work at therapy, school or your job to succeed.

You can't control it.

You can't control it because you can't control how they would be (if they fit).

You can't control how they would react to you.

No matter what you do, no matter how you work at it, it's so tenuous, at any given point.

Why is it easier in Hawaii? Because you aren't going to bring on of those women home and marry them. It doesn't matter if they ask you what you do or not, because you aren't going to take that in a certain way. They aren't contenders.

Perhaps because you aren't sizing them up for the box, that it's not an issue, you relax and you really 'see' them ... and they see you seeing them ...and that in itself is a connection, even if it's just a smile in passing.

You aren't seeing the women around you .. you are seeing 'your' plan, their titles, their worthiness for your attention. They know that. Of course you are nervous approaching, you should be. Nobody wants to be wanted because they fit your box, they want to be wanted because you see them. You have to learn how to see someone.

What you need to do it strip away titles, education, etc blah blah blah and approach a PERSON who you are spiritually attracted to. Don't tell her what you do, don't ask what she does, ignore every thing material and show interest in her. What do you have to loose? You aren't doing anything anyways right now. Let her, and yourself with your own permission, take you somewhere that you aren't in control. Then you can use what you learn and the confidence and understanding you gained to spot that 'something' in someone who might fit what you want. When you learn to see someone, you won't be nervous, because you'll "know". It will just be peace, contentment, happiness and a sense of the things weighing you dropping away the first time you lay eyes on her .. because you'll know.

Being blocked :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2quUOBu3Tc
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Need a little help
Posted: 9/8/2016 9:31:34 AM
These are still "ahh?" moments for me"


will allow me to be me


This is like a stop sign, because it either implies some baggage from a past relationship or a caution light saying 'this person will want to be the prominent one in our relationship'. Again, it's assumed that a person who is infatuated with you will be interested in you being you, because they will like that "you".

And, saying that your kids will always come first. That should be assumed. Any good parent will do that, there's no reason to say it and it still gives a feeling of your partner be in line behind you and then the children. Yes, it should be that way, of course, but no one wants to feel that way and stating it before even meeting is going to deter people.

Both still give a feel of someone 'maybe' fitting into your life. You don't want that.

Agree that clearer pictures taken with a good camera should be a priority also.

I'd put spaces between your paragraphs and check your spacing before and after periods.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 73 (view)
 
How do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/7/2016 1:31:49 PM
^^^ that is why this forum needs like buttons
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Need some insight on a fetish I have
Posted: 9/5/2016 10:02:47 PM
It seems more an association to me. First sexual connections are long lasting. I wouldn't worry about it. The only time it might become a problem is if you can't get aroused without it.

Many middle aged men my age search for the elusive non-shaved women, because THAT is the association they have with sexy (early sexual experiences). It doesn't mean that is it a fetish, even though it arouses them, it's just their association with sexy.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 52 (view)
 
How do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/5/2016 7:05:52 PM
I went back and read some more ...


If I was large, uneducated, and a complete mess, I would agree that I should not look for anything above a "2.75".


This is sad. Until you understand why this is sad you don't really know what life is.


How do I not feel angry about everything that has been thrown my way? What did I do? I seem to think I was some kind of mass murderer in another lifetime, and this is the price I am paying.


Or perhaps it was the pre-reqs for what's to come, how everything you've gone through is leading up to that moment when you intersect with another and change the path of their life (lives), but you don't need to worry about that. Just live and things will unfold.

You are an empth, solidly confined. You'll figure it out.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 51 (view)
 
How do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/5/2016 6:13:17 PM
You were given the gift of life.

Try just living it.

Live, laugh, love

Just go enjoy it.

Try enjoying it with a female you would not typically date. It's a date, or hanging out, if it's just that, it's not going to change your life plan that she isn't the perfect one you are looking for. You need to EXPERIENCE life with someone who knows how to grab, love it, and feel every moment of it! This probably won't be the type you want to marry ... it doesn't mean you need to marry her. You can sill walk the edge without being so close to it you might fall over. You can go to a deeper spiritual connection. Let someone take your hand and show you. All you need is to open the door in your mind just a crack to see and experience it. It will change your life, I promise! Go live!
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Dam good beaver, it likes its wood.
Posted: 9/5/2016 5:54:47 PM
A testimonial from their site:

I’ve had Linda, my RD2 Body D Natalie, for going on 2 years now. She’s been a dazzling presence in my life – a captivating beauty, fun, inspiring, just all around wonderful. Something magical happens when you gaze into her eyes; at the end of a long day she is there waiting for me and everything just seems right.

She is a beautiful artwork, and is very well put together. I daresay she is quite sturdy. I am very happy about the quality of workmanship and artistry. If this is love, it is a love that will definitely last!

The level of customer service provided is also excellent. Two years after the sale and my emails are still cheerfully and promptly answered. They are happy to take the time for a phone call to explain how to make a repair, or send a link to a video on replacing eyes, for example. It’s all of these things that help create the kind of loyal fans and repeat customers you see online. I’m sure to be one in the future.

Thank you!
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 20 (view)
 
How many times do I have to be the one to invite before getting invited?
Posted: 9/5/2016 4:49:57 PM
I'm glad to see (at least) people saying if they don't get a kiss by the end of the second date they are gone ... a couple years ago many on here said by the end of the first date (geez). Although chemistry and interest is usually pretty well known by the first date, sometimes a person might get mixed messages about the timing of that first kiss.

For example, I dated someone in which the connection was SO high that I knew to act on it could be life changing (and that change could evolve things such as relocating not only myself but also my daughter, or vice versa for him). In that case, I moved very slowly although the drawl was stunning. I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure the first kiss didn't come till the 3rd or 4th date, and everything else moved equally as slow. That wasn't manipulation, I've kissed someone at first sight after a hug (but we talked a long while before meeting, but nothing sexual, "it" was just there). Not every single case is the same, but if you are seeing a pattern, then I would say you might be choosing the same type of women. More than likely, though, if you'd come across this 3x in a row, something else is probably going on too.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone without contact after the first date. I don't know how I would feel if he didn't initiate contact beyond me thanking him for the date. Probably I would feel he wasn't interested, if, for example I said thank you, he responded, and then he didn't continue contact and didn't initiate the next day. Would I initiate the next day in that case? Probably not if we hadn't already established a communication routine prior to the date. I would feel he wasn't interested. Is that fair? I don't know, no matter how independent we get there is still a stigma attached to "chasing" guy (mostly brought on by other women shaming the chasers or guys joking about it when the subject is brought up). The whole "crazy stalker" thing isn't just for truly valid crazy stalker cases, some guys say that if the female shows what he feels is an unequal interest he will joke she is a stalker.

I befriended a female who was mid 40's and suddenly single, having only been with her husband all her adult life. She absolutely would not hint or ask for a meet after a guy took her out, or over text beyond what he was sending, etc. She'd be in angst and stressed by not hearing from a certain guy she really liked, but refused to contact. In her mind, it just wasn't the way ladies' acted. Her part in the dating was to spend half the day getting ready, to look as attractive as possible, then enjoy the excitement of him coming to take her out. This was even after they were in an established sexual relationship. This had nothing to do with money and all that nonsense (but she did assume he'd buy the first drink and things like that, but she would pay or do nice things too). There are still some women out there that hold onto that "chasing is a no no" ideology.

(In the above case, for him, he felt like she was "hot and cold" and was uncertain of what she really wanted).

You might be careful of the messages you are sending women too. My stepson, early 30's, is the type that likes to call his girlfriends (or interests) "baby" and say things that imply he'll take care of her ... while I know he means emotionally and love, they may not know that, and he calls to and attracts the dependent type or those going through some issue where they need a shoulder. It never works. You can't "baby" a female and protect her from all the hardships of life ... it's a set up for disappointment.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Just keep your eyes on the cello, mister....
Posted: 9/5/2016 3:50:51 PM
Men: Saxophone

Women: dunno, never connected it
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Need a little help
Posted: 9/5/2016 1:55:18 PM
There's quite a lot that could be fixed or improved.

The first two most obvious are:

1) By the time you read the first three lines interest is lost. It says "I don't have time for you, but might have time to sneak in and drop a comment (then worse, you say later that you enjoy creating in an online world, to add to the dismissiveness of other's time and importance because you contradict yourself that you 'do' indeed have time). The feeling is especially prominent because you put that first thing.

2) The single lines are bad. It's a list of statements, not a "conversation" that people want to keep reading. When I read someone's profile I like it to be as if it's a personal note to me that creates images in my head and drawls interest. It should be as if you are sitting across from each other over dinner or coffee talking about your selves (and to the other person). I'd suggest paragraphs of 3-5 sentences, with each being separate topics.

What online world are you creating in? Just curious. I make things in SL.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Am I really THAT Hideous, Ugly, so Unattractive because Everyone thinks so?
Posted: 7/19/2016 6:50:07 PM
In your profile, you are pretty adamant about the fact that you won't fool around on a date, and also sound adamant that you will not be having children. That might be part of where people here are thinking transgender.

You aren't unattractive. What you don't seem to be doing that some other women do is playing up your features.

You do have a strong jaw line. You can soften that up by tipping your chin down instead of up in photos. Kim Kardasian always recommends that because she has a strong jaw. A layered cut made to fit your face shape, with maybe some waves to soften your jawline might help. A slightly messy-sexy-wave look would work well for you. Other than that I see no masculine features, if you want to appear more 'girly girl' an eyebrow waxing would do the trick, but, with your dark hair, just a bit. You wouldn't want those thin ones. I can barely see your eyes but I sense they are nice, big brown ones and they have an interesting slant. I'd work that to your advantage.

Contacts to see your eyes better would help too. You're glasses are too bottom heavy, hiding your eyes. The heaviness at the bottom draws people's eye down, bringing more attention to your strong jawline. The pupils of your eyes should be in the center of your glasses and the tops should be even with your eyebrows (as one who wears glasses, and worse, glasses very thick on the ends because of duo astigmatisms, I was told this. A good fit did make an overall difference for the better).

The correct glasses and playing up your eyes more could make a huge difference. That, and the 'correct' haircut would balance everything nicely.

 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7 (view)
 
What would you do?
Posted: 7/19/2016 1:16:45 AM
All other things in place, as in your example, I would go with the flow.

I like your example of "this is what he disability is" and "this is how it affects me" ... I just used a like example in another post a few days ago, but the person said "it won't affect us doing ... " but it will affect me doing ".....". With that knowledge, I could decide how to proceed. He disclosed that after we gained a rapport and before we met. I don't know if he always disclosed prior to dates, but we were both pretty certain us meeting "could be something" and he decided to disclose then.

The degree of disability you have, as you described it, doesn't seem like a big deal ... you can walk with just a slight limp and carry a backpack, so, I don't see how it would interfere with my life per say, if we were both my age, so no, it would not be a deal breaker if the other things were there. I work in the disability field, though, so it's not going to faze me as it might others.

When to disclose is a tough one. If you don't want to go through the when to disclose every single time with each person, I'd go ahead and put a heads up in your profile but keep it light, simple, and perhaps a "PS" at the end of your profile.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 11 (view)
 
I need help weeding out the types I don't want while attracting the types I do.
Posted: 7/17/2016 3:19:03 PM
I disagree ... just because someone doesn't take you advice doesn't mean they don't hear and consider it, or perhaps keep it in mind for the future. That's what advice is, something to consider.

Lord knows I passed up good advice many times, but I keep doing what I'm doing and making excuses for it until I fulfill my own prophecy. Some of us are stubborn, self pleasuring, unmotivated or not smart like that :)

Best you can do is offer a glimpse of an alternatives to have a bigger basket of potential problem solvers to consider and maybe choose from if the person cares to try them.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Ok, maybe i have overestimated my value... ?
Posted: 7/17/2016 1:44:16 PM
You didn't underestimate your value ... you have some very strong attributes going for you in intelligence and outlook on life.

Two things to definitely remove:

That you are willing to date someone "over 18" Eww. Eww. Eww. Just take that out as a filter completely.

The butt sniffing comment. It's not appealing at all. It may seem funny, but for someone like me who "sees" as she reads, I didn't want an image of sniffing your butt, though the image of your nose up in mine was somewhat amusing with the out in the field thing. It's risky.

Pictures: No. Not the funny ones and preferably not the one as the main that puts so many shadows on your eyes. Because of way you write, and your list of interested, the type of woman that would be attracted to you will want to see your eyes. The grey background just greys everything, also.

Hair: long hair is not for everyone. Make sure your beard is nicely trimmed for your first impression photos. Consider a man bun for one of your photos. They are quite popular ATM. If you're gonna do long hair, I'd go all out and consider some layers to update it and make it more "there" ... the look would match the images I get of your personality (IMO)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=si1b3YQmX1U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzgGFVJ_dXY
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7 (view)
 
I need help weeding out the types I don't want while attracting the types I do.
Posted: 7/17/2016 12:55:45 PM
You don't want to remove what you want, you just don't want to make it first.

Your first paragraph should be about you ... just you ... not what you want in someone else.

The second should be about her, then what you want from her (but avoid 'should be' 'must be' anything like that... use words like "I prefer, in a LTR, to have .... " . Then list races as you did (as a preference).

Honestly, if a woman meets you and immediately throws her whole life into you (beyond the normal increase in attention during infatuation), she's probably not very healthy to begin with. Those things are supposed to happen over time, and definitely because you want to, not because someone else is 'requiring' or 'needing' it (including her). You might just have to take the time to go through the normal dating process and weed out those that aren't able to be what you want. Heartbreaking, yes, but, my suggestion would be just to keep your emotions in check until you know if the person might be right for you to give those to. In the dating process what you want and need should come out, should be discussed, before you have sex.

It's like this....if you meet someone you hit it off with, and you think it's going to go somewhere, and you know there's something about you that might affect her life (eg., cancer, you split time with your siblings taking care of a parent and will only be available 1 of your 2 days off, you pay half our check in child support and can't vacation with someone who is looking for a travel buddy, etc) you need to tell them. Then, they can make a decision if they can handle it.

For example, I met someone I hit it off with in a very big way. We were very connected. Before it got serious, because we both new there was potential, he told me about a health condition that might affect things. He said 'it's not going to affect us doing this, this and this, but I won't be able to do this, this and this. With that information, I could decide before anyone got too involved, to move forward or not. I considered what he said, decided it wasn't important, and we moved forward. He knew my limitations too (time, travel, parenting) and was ok with the frequency of contact.

If you and I were dating, and it had potential of getting serious, and you knew I was a busy person, you would either decide not to date me or disclose how you feel. With everything on the table, before getting too attached, decisions could be made. If you came at me with "I tend to feel neglected in a relationship if I don't hear from the person during the day or spend whatever certain amount of time together". I would consider that, let you know if I could do it, consider to myself it I want to do it, and probably state what I could do and suggest a compromise. Things would go from there. The important thing is to "know thyself" and to have discussions. That's what relationships should be about... communication and compromise. If you know in your heart you cannot compromise, then part ways and be glad for the opportunity to let into someone life a little. If you do compromise, then know the person is going into that relationship with that understanding and stick to your part of it (keep your feelings about it to yourself and don't fault her for the message you gave).

It's good to put it in your profile that "you prefer" but save the details and how important it is to you until after you've met each other and when you know if there's even going to be a second date. You and her will both be able to know something about that difference just in communication before meeting.

Comment to below ... on nonsocial people? I did.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 4 (view)
 
I need help weeding out the types I don't want while attracting the types I do.
Posted: 7/17/2016 12:01:45 PM
One last thing I did not get in in edit ... the picture of the girl flipping everyone off full of anger is a real turn off. If that's the type you want, it's good for people to know, but it all just looks like fighting everything and everyone to others. Hate doesn't come off real well in looking to find a mate ... but as said, if that's the type you are looking for, better to have it there and you might find that 1% er.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I need help weeding out the types I don't want while attracting the types I do.
Posted: 7/17/2016 11:26:49 AM
I wouldn't start with a challenging question ... that will turn many away.


Are there any women who want a REAL relationship anymore? women who enjoy one on one time? women who can not only be faithful but act faithful?


I'd take your phone number off your pictures. If you want it out there, put it as the last line of your description with something non threatening and non-needy such as "If you prefer texting, my number is ....." I know I see this a lot on social media, HMU and number, so it's not too weird, but, it's just a bit classier to put it at the bottom (plus, they have to read first). Might decrease number of contacts but increase the quality as far as only those who understand what you want will contact.

I would completely take out that you are into violent games and movies. That will turn many away, as they may think you are a bit unstable mentally or they dislike violence. Being an empth, I can't watch war movies and such because I don't see the enjoyment in using real life pain and suffering for entertainment. I question the empathy of people who can. My BF watches them sometimes and occasionally plays violent video games, but he usually does when I"m not home, or I leave the room to do something else if he's watching those movies. Many 'loving' woman as you say you want won't like it, so you are alienating the ones you want to attract. If you feel you need to leave some of that in to show a balance for your sensitive side, I'd take the books out (doesn't matter what you read, she won't be reading it) and state that "I like....", but if it bothers you I'm respectful put it away when you are here (or play in another room, or something like that) so she won't feel she'll be subjected to sitting and watching you play video games (a huge turn off for many woman), let alone violent ones.

Definitely take what you have out of the profession spot. It's first impression of "needy" as mentioned above. You already discuss what you want in profile, so no need to hit people twice with it. Just put your field of work.

I would always use the 'people first' approach when discussing what you want in a woman. It shows respect and less focus on what you want.

Your format for that area should be....

1) "I'm looking for (then describe the PERSONALLY traits of the type of woman you like).

2) Then write what YOU like (I'm seeking a woman who is interested in a LTR, etc., your feelings on togetherness and PDA's, but not too much and not too forcefull ... just let them know what you want, but not in a "i want" way if that makes sense, more in a "who also enjoys....".

3) Race should be the LAST sentence and it should be stated as you did, with I prefer......".

The way you have things worded feel more like stipulations and demands on what 'you' want. People want to be able to read something and picture what it would be like to be with you. In the way you have things written, it seems like a list of demands or requirements to meet. Most will pass on that.

Bottom line: more focus on her (traits you are looking for related JUST to her), less demands and stipulations, less intensity with both your need and your like of violence ... need to tone those both down, IMO.

Oh..and cute down the number of pictures. They are all the same type. It adds to the intensity/demands that you do not have one picture of you smiling. Everything isn't always intense in your life, so you don't want it to seem as so. Adding a picture outside would help, too.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Did I overreact?
Posted: 7/12/2016 11:24:37 PM
Over reacted. I didn't see your name anywhere in your profile either. It's not showing in the "about me" section to me.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Menopause - I'm scared
Posted: 7/6/2016 10:46:25 PM
luu ...
I'm definitely noticing the scatterbrained-ness increasing, but contributed it to loss of challenging work ATM.

Wooby ..
I've also found men in their 50's to be better lovers than in the past, and thanks for the reassurance

Cotter...
I haven't kept up on HRT and cancer ... are they saying that there is no longer a link between the two?

Dragon ...
I wouldn't consider it as 'fixing' something as much as supplementing something you are low on to help maintain certain body functions that rely on it (for example, you need estrogen to assist calcium to be absorbed into the bones and for other reasons). I'm not sure how well supplemental estrogen does compared to what your body makes, of course. I think of it as more an attempt at prevention rather than repair.

 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Fingermales
Posted: 7/5/2016 7:44:26 PM
I would say definitely make sure under those nails are clean the first couple dates, and yes, we notice (or at least I do). I'm not looking to check them out, but, I'm going to notice.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Menopause - I'm scared
Posted: 7/5/2016 6:46:35 PM
I could see that during menopause, with the hormones being all over the place, but what about after, when it all settles down. Good to know I might have another year or two during M . I'm 47 1/2. My sister started menopause at 48 1/2 and it was pretty cut and dry ... no skipped periods, just done. My mother went through it a while with missed periods and things, up and down, and said her last period was at 50. She declined any HRT. My time is so short :/ I'm not sure peri-menopause is a real thing, but I have been a bit more irrational with mood swings at times the past 5 or 6 months. BF suggested I was starting menopause, which really ticked me off ... lol. Maybe wanting to run away 'is' part of it.

Wine sounds a lot better than taking something else. I don't drink much, but, I'd rather do that than take meds. Oh... and I plan on trying the "hot" food from mid eastern tradition to try to balance my yin and yang first. Worth at least trying, since it's been recommended twice.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Menopause - I'm scared
Posted: 7/5/2016 6:20:11 PM
I was considering posting about this too, but my concerns are sex, and I didn't want it to become some female sex bashing thread. My sister (16 months older than me) told me she's been 6 months without a period. I figure that gives me a year. I want to buy a couple cases of condoms and travel up and down the sea shore for a year. Seriously. I'm quite under served when it comes to sex as it is, and the thought of it all slipping by in a year never to return (as it was) makes me wish I had the guts to do it.

I do have concerns that I will enter my next relationship post menopause and will never quite build 'that' kind of relationship or bond with someone quite that way (like in the past) again. I suspect this relationship will come to a final end in two years or so when my daughter graduates and this big M looming makes me seriously question if I should do it now, but I know I won't within the year.

My mother said that the hot flashes were icky, but, what she hated the most was the sudden surges of anger. I think I'll deal with that ok ... she was more traditional suppressed wife of the times, so anger surges were probably difficult for her. She has no problem now in her 60's speaking her mind tho. She and my coworker said the sex was "just as good" but "different" or "takes more work". They both hesitated before saying it, so I think they were fibbing. Another said that sex was downright painful and another that it was getting really hard to orgasm vaginally (but not orally, which means I'm screwed because oral doesn't do it for me). I appreciated their honesty. Soy was recommended.

I think what I fear loosing more than sex (as it's good for me) is the sexual drive if that goes away. I like the times of the month when simple errands are eyebrow raising or make me smile (seeing someone that arouses you) and I will really miss the waking up from the nice dreams if they go away. I can't imagine what life might be like if that persistent state of low level arousal (well at least a few weeks of the month) is gone, whether I actually have a decent sex life or not. I don't care about KY being a regular staple in the nightstand or whatever, it might actually be nice, but I feel like I won't be the person I know and won't get as much amusement out of life if that drive leaves.

Of course, the loss of estrogen puts your heart at greater risk so that will be a concern and lifestyle change too. No more taking the ol ticker for granted.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Monopolizing the conversation on the phone before you've met (talking too much)
Posted: 7/4/2016 4:46:29 PM
Thanks LadyinRed :)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Deaf
Posted: 7/2/2016 7:04:14 PM
I have some experience with people who are deaf. I understand why you are a massage therapist.

I can relate to the concept that other senses would be amplified, as well as more connection, as you have to look at the person and their expressions as they are talking and use additional ways to communicate.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Does living together in a LTR (without children) save each person time?
Posted: 7/1/2016 11:44:09 PM
No, I doesn't. You have more time when you are single.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Am I mad? Maybe but I'd like to learn to play the drums.
Posted: 7/1/2016 11:18:42 PM
You know, I've been having the urge to pick an instrument back up too but my urges have been for something quieter, like a flute.

Perhaps it's not so much a midlife crises as it is that it's good for your soul.

Also, you now have the time for it (kids being grown or gone, etc).

No need to start with a kid's toy. Ebay has lots of hand drums for under $30

Different types of metal "drums" are cool :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QbCyWKJ4co

 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Monopolizing the conversation on the phone before you've met (talking too much)
Posted: 7/1/2016 11:04:49 PM

Of course the person won't ask you anything because they're too busy talking.


I've noticed when I have to ask someone something or tell them something unpleasant (eg., how's chemo going) I'll get the question out, hear a short answer and then blabber about mundane things. There's an element of avoidance due to fear.

Could this translate into fear of rejection?

Some people blabber out of nervousness.



It's tough because every question you ask gets a long-winded answer


Why do you think that is? Do you think he feels he's being evaluated? Is he eager to "put it all out there"?

You also have some people who just like to talk. My boyfriend calls me everyday on his way home from work. He pretty much just goes over his mental list of what he's going to do when he gets home. I don't get it, because he'll be home in 20 minutes and could say so then, but he's just a talker, that's how he relates. Now that his mother is ill, he calls her every day on his way home from work too. Most days she can't be out of bed and I'm sure she doesn't have the strength or desire to be polite, but still he talks. Either this is how he's dealing with it or he tends to form connections verbally and wants to connect with her as much as possible (he used to only call on Sundays).

Most of the time I don't like to talk much, I'm pretty quiet and in my own little world. I had a boyfriend once that I or he called every night and talked a good half hour about the day or things going on in life, but when we were together, which was only 2-4 times a month, I didn't talk so much (but he did, he couldn't be quiet for long).

So, my point is: I'm not a talker and I'm definitely not self centered but there are certain situations where I will be very talkative and probably "over talk" someone .. both in too much talking and changing the direction of uncomfortable conversation. It could very well be situational and I'd not draw any conclusions from it until / unless you meet him :)

Someone used to recommend reading "the 5 love languages". I don't know what they are, but verbal may be one of them.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Am I mad? Maybe but I'd like to learn to play the drums.
Posted: 7/1/2016 10:38:11 PM
Lots of beginning hand drum lessons on youtube.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 5 (view)
 
responses
Posted: 6/26/2016 4:15:00 PM
Scooter wrote some good advice on profile writing in another profile review titled "How about an honest review". You might want to look at that post for ideas.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 17 (view)
 
crazy gym stalker I met from here
Posted: 6/26/2016 3:54:28 PM

Sorry, something doesn't add up.


Perhaps you didn't factor in the possibility that a certain amount of superficial trash talk and male dominate behaviors is acceptable and perhaps even favored in some cultures ... to a degree. Something obviously crossed a line and if she feels afraid she should take it serious.

 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 2 (view)
 
responses
Posted: 6/25/2016 8:05:38 PM
My first thought looking at your pictures was that too many of them have females cropped out. You can tell they are different people. I found that to be 1) a lot of dating and 2) strangely insulting from a female perspective ... as if it was too easy to cut them out and keep the picture because you thought it was good.

That, with the tone of what you wrote, gave me a sense of egotism in that it's all too much "about you" as in what you want with little feel for what might make them interested in dating you or what you hope to find. I suspect this is in part a language issue. You have to make them 'want' to be with you just from your profile. If you like the beach, say I'd enjoy walks on the beach with that someone special, or something like that. Give them an image to think about, to see if they can "picture" themselves by your side. There is nothing wrong with being a little vulnerable and saying what your heart and soul wants too, as long as you don't go overboard with that ... just give a hint of it.

I'd change your last photo to be your profile photo. There's something inviting about it that gives a person a sense of wanting to come up to you. Perhaps it's the eye contact (that your main pic does not have) or perhaps it's the casualness (whereas your main pic looks more like it could be a clipping from a newspaper article .. a recording of an event, not so much a "feel" for you).

I'd rewrite this some to be less about what you want, if possible. I believe this is an issue of English as a second language, but there is something of how it is conveyed that isn't comfortable. It's very hard to describe so I'm sure it's harder for you to understand ... but the words "will be a" and "she will hopefully like" almost feels like you are looking to place an order from a catalog or picking qualities from a wish list. If a female is interested and clicked open your profile, you want her to read it and have some sense that you are talking directly to her. If this is difficult to do because English is a second language, I would get a female friend who knows you and has English as a first language to look it over and rewrite what you want to say as a female would want to read it. For example, I understand what you are trying to convey when you say "she will hopefully like my sense of humor", but it would be better to say, when you list what you are looking for, something like "someone who "gets" my sense of humor and laughs easily with me". Those aren't quite the words, but, it tells them you may have a quarky sense of humor, that you appreciate happy and laughing, and creates a little mental image they can put themselves in.

[I hope to meet someone who will be a great companion and we both compliment each other. She will hopefully like my sense of humor, enjoy talking about random topics, a great listener, and someone who is into constant learning and improvement.

As far as response rate on this site, I've heard from the forum members and from articles they have posted that response rate is usually 1% - 5%. You aren't the only one and it's to be expected :(
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 11 (view)
 
You viewed me...now what? Should I...?
Posted: 6/25/2016 6:16:39 PM
I'd say go ahead but be 90% prepared for it not to go into conversation.

Some reason's I've not contacted after looking at a profile when I was looking to date:

* Something in the profile changed my interest (meanness, egotism, pity, cynicism, willingness to date a female their daughter's age (EWW)
* Too far away.
* "Out of my league"
* FILTERS!!

Reason's I've looked but not contacted when I wasn't actively dating:

* I wasn't actively dating :) Kinda wrong to make that contact or start conversation you can't follow through on. Why look? I sign in to get into the forums to read and sometimes there's a picture there that gets my attention. Sometimes I'll be in one of those rough spots in life and I'll browse for reassurance (or as I get older, it gets more of a depressing thing to browse..lol) that there are still people out there to connect with if I were ever single.

Reason's I've looked but not contacted in either situation:

* Something about their headline made me giggle and I'll look to see what humor the profile might have.
* Something about their headline was a 'thinking' statement and I'll read for more.
* Something in the background or event of the photograph interested me and I'll click on to see if there are more pictures.
* The above 3 does not mean I had any special attraction to the person's photo.
* If something about their eyes or smile made me smile I'll click on the profile to see more, whether I'm dating or not.
* Fingerslip
* Forum member

Would I have wanted the person I viewed to contact me? Maybe in 1 out of 4 cases. There are a couple people I would have loved to have chatted with, which it would not be appropriate for me to contact, but if they did me after reading my "not available" in my profile I know they are likely OK with just a good chat. Another case would be "out of my league". They would have had to shown some interest in me for me to "go there" and meet them half way.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 12 (view)
 
crazy gym stalker I met from here
Posted: 6/25/2016 3:57:17 PM
First, change gyms. I now it's not fair, but the more you give him opportunity the more assistant he may get.

I believe this woman. Why? She said should she pacify him. I tried that, I had a stalker. Those who have been here know I'm just your pretty normal female. This person "insisted" he talk with me trying to get back together even though I was nice to him, gave him plenty of time and communication to understand, etc. Bullies like him, especially if they get desperate, will try even more to control. That guy would how up at my work (I'd have to pacify him not to make a scene), show up at my apartment (outside) wanting to talk since I wouldn't let him in, tried to get into my apartment door and even tried to 'force' my car to the side of the road to "make" me talk. These people are NOT right in the head.

What worked after living with that constant anxiety? Something I thought I'd NEVER have to do ... a restraining order. I called the police after he threatened to kill me in one of his outbursts. I knew he didn't mean it, it was just words of anger, but my daughter was there and I didn't want her exposed to that. My MISTAKES leading up to that were pacifying him, being nice (because I'm just a nice person in general) and engaging in his pointless arguments when I felt I had to defend my position (there is really nothing someone is going to accept as to why you don't want to be together, so there's no point in going there...they will just defend or verbally "counter" attack you). It is unthinkable that someone would retort in anger or try to bully their way back into your life ... but for real, there are people out there who think that way!

When I called the police, I really did not think they would put him in jail or give a restraining order but they did, not my doing, and he left me alone, even went out of his way, not to be around me.

When you are nice bullies take that as being weak and press harder. No need to be rude, but certainly do not be nice and/or pacify him. Tell him in an emotional-less and flat voice that it didn't work and you aren't interested in dating anymore. Don't engage in guilt, arguing or explaining or niceties. He should stop bothering you when he sees resolve and is not sensing some "chance" of getting back in because you are "nice". If he doesn't stop, really, get the restraining order because he's not going to stop.

I am bothered by responses that make light of what she is saying. If this woman grew up in any dysfunction she would have learned very well that pacifying someone so they don't escalate is a way to stay safe and IS a her fear reaction. Accusing her of liking the drama when she is reaching out for some validation that this is a real problem really bothered me too. Better to assume things are the truth and be 'tricked' then to assume they are not and give the message to her not to take things seriously.

A two-year old was recently killed locally in a fit of anger in a similar situation where the male was bullying the female. He also had previously made a comment to her that he could "kill her and no one would know" and then he said he was just joking when she reacted. She testified against him saying that she really didn't think it was an abusive situation (because there was no hitting) and that he was just concerned about her safety when he was being stalker-ish (calling when she wasn't with him to check on her, etc). Her child was crying and he picked her up and shook her. It caused her brain to bleed and she died. This shit does happen. Don't ignore your gut feelings and don't pacify him. She did both with disastrous consequences.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 2 (view)
 
A single man with house. Yea or nay?
Posted: 6/21/2016 5:37:00 PM
Personally, I wouldn't mention it in your profile or first date. It will come out naturally when need be.

Different people would have different reactions to the home ownership, I would think. It would be a sign of responsibility, of course, but for me it would also be a "he's not going to relocate" and, later in a relationship, who would live where. I would personally just let that one go until it needs said or comes up naturally.

I dated someone in which it might have gotten serious, and we both knew it early on. He made a point of saying he was not closed to the possibility of relocation (even though he owned his house). Where I am is not where I want to be for my later years.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Find A Married user
Posted: 6/14/2016 3:06:47 PM
Love the visuals in your post Danimal :)

Has the question been answered whether or not your friend knows he's married? I would think that would be the first thing to tell her, of course. His profile states he's starting a new life ... so ... are you sure he's with his wife currently?

Second piece of advice I would recommend telling her is steer clear of anyone who has "dog" as part of their username?
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Had enough
Posted: 6/14/2016 2:56:45 PM
Comes in and out of your life online or in 'real' life?
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 2 (view)
 
What can I do better
Posted: 6/10/2016 7:39:07 PM
One thing would be to fix this ... space after comma (I'd spell out admin) and lower case f.

admin,with plans to return to school in the Fall.

I also wouldn't call yourself a gal.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 4 (view)
 
A sweet but creepy missed connection from CL
Posted: 6/10/2016 7:29:46 PM
I love the missed connection section :)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Were different races sexual organs made for the other?
Posted: 6/10/2016 7:21:05 PM
Sure, I believe races are (in general) made to fit each other. Why wouldn't they be? That would make no sense if we weren't since we are supposed to procreate. Evolution is slow. There isn't going to be some huge change happening in bodies within a couple decades just because our world (as far as contact to others) has gotten bigger.

You will also find similarities in average height differences between the males and females across race. I believe this also has to do with procreation.

As you your questions of why this and that happens, those are all assumptions you are making.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 16 (view)
 
NOT so glamous Glamour Shots
Posted: 6/10/2016 7:02:58 PM
She should just buy him a cell phone that takes better pictures.

Understand her not wanting terrible pictures of herself out there .. I untag bad ones my sister posts of me that are bad, but I understand also she's recording memories and loves us, that's why she wants the pictures. Which is more important?

I'm thinking the fact that she's a photographer is an issue.

The value to him is not in how well the picture is taken, it doesn't make it less important or less valuable if it's a picture that makes him smile, bad or not. If your young child came to you full of love and smiling and handed you a picture they colored you wouldn't say "It's beautiful, thank you ... maybe next time you could do "this" to help you stay in the lines." You wouldn't do that, even if you were an artist.

The bigger picture is really being missed here, IMO.

 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Chat Feature
Posted: 5/28/2016 8:08:43 PM
yep.

I miss the chat feature.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/28/2016 7:59:01 PM

y first reaction when they talk like this is that they don't really want to talk to me, so they're giving me short answers in the hopes that I'll lose interest and go away. But if that's the case, why are they talking to me at all? Why not just tell me they're not interested, or ignore my first message altogether? Or is there something else I'm missing?


Yes, you are, and the answer is very simple. You are asking closed end questions. Ask open end questions. Google it :)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Which of these are the most disappointing?
Posted: 5/28/2016 7:55:23 PM
At this point in my life, I'd much rather have a small penis than ED. 5 - 10 years from now? ED issues would be expected as the norm.
 
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