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 Author Thread: ask the question
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
ask the question
Posted: 3/11/2012 5:45:32 PM
yes...ask. Don't just sit there wondering, with some sort of sour stomach and maybe a headache keeping you from doing what you need to do

If it something the other person did or said that you may or may not have understood or something not quite right, something that doesn't add up, about what the person says and does, ask them to clarify.

Otherwise, if it just sort of a general "this isn't exactly...." sort of thing, you need to be asking yourself some deep questions. What are you doing? Are you doubting yourself, your motives, your choices, your ability to trust yourself?

hmmmm.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Relationships HAVING to have a definition or title????
Posted: 3/11/2012 5:12:45 PM
I'd like to say it's not important to me, but as I read through this thread and thought about it, I realize a definition is important to me. I want to know where I stand with a person, to find out if we are on the same page. Of course, we wouldn't necessarily need a standard word, just a mutual understanding. Not an assumption of some sort that turns out one was thinking "SO" and the other was thinking "FB"...one is thinking "steady date" and the other is thinking "coffee buddy"...et cetera.

Assumptions are a route to drama....groan...And in that vein "This is my _______" goes a long way to stop assumptions of those who are not in the relationship and assure the two that are. It's handy and reassuring to both the speaker and those hearing.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Coddling adult kids too much?
Posted: 2/20/2012 7:27:26 AM

She has two adult daughters, 23 & 26. One still lives with her and doesn’t drive. Claims that she’s too "ADD" to maintain a cognitive thought process


I have a 26 year old developmentally disabled daughter who currently lives with me. It does impact my dating options, especially in the cases where someone has no understanding or room in their psyche to deal with the associated care I need to provide. Which isn't much because we are fortunate in that she can handle most of her needs herself and mainly requires supervision and management, but does mean I can't cater to someone elses whims and demands at all times.

My humble opinion is that if you don't care enough about this woman to learn enough about the possible disability issues and how to deal with them is that you are just another source of stress for this woman and should probably bow out.

She's used to it. As disappointing as it can be sometimes, it's a big thing to ask of just anybody to deal with. A potential partner has to be long on tolerance and empathy, not short on understanding, patience and sympathy.

As far as the 26 year old with the baby and the DUI restricted boyfriend...I haven't nearly as much sympathy other than my guess is your woman friend is
feeling pretty trapped, wants to be there for her grandbaby, and is probably just as displeased with the situation as anyone. I wouldn't want any of my kids out on the street either...

Think about it. Can you help, or even tolerate, without becoming annoyed or an enabler yourself? It doesn't sound like you can.

A partner should be a source of refuge, not a source of stress. I don't think you are a refuge for this woman, nor she for you.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Am I Overreacting?
Posted: 2/19/2012 2:49:14 PM
^^^^^^I agree....the issue is her. Whether she thinks this behavior is "cute" or whether she's friend-zoned you, it's not the other's guy's fault. She's playing both of you.

If she understands you don't appreciate it and yet continues to act this way around you, it's not likely to change.

And what Igor said...yeah, it really doesn't work to have any meaningful dialog with someone trapped in a bottle. Sorry, OP. Listen to that feeling...something is not right.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 55 (view)
 
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 2/19/2012 2:29:30 PM
So I'll go out on a limb here and guess that the basis behind the "too physical" quandary is that sex - especially amazing, well connected sex- does tend to affect one's judgement.

My advice: the only reason to avoid sex/kissing/rubbing, etc is because the two of you are not on the same page as far as trying to get back together. If one of you is looking for a booty call and the other looking for "forever" and "lets be friends first this time" is a way to tease each other and someone (maybe everyone) is going to end up hurt/frustrated no matter if you do the deed or not.

So you might as well get physical. Or simply forget each other. Quasi-friend/lover seldom works out best for all.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 42 (view)
 
PoF Forum and dating. What have you learned?
Posted: 2/19/2012 1:14:10 PM
I've learned to appreciate the diversity and similarity of life experiences across gender, race, nationality, ethnicity, and political/religious persuasions.

And that I am not as inferior or superior, sane or insane, alone or crowded as I may have once believed.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Emailing, Texting, or Calling
Posted: 2/17/2012 3:38:09 PM
They all have their place. Along with face to face. Depends on the situation. If I'm at work I prefer 1. text (brief) 2. email (answer at my leisure) 3. personal phone call (urgent situation only) Rarely do I use IM. That being said, if I don't know someone, I want face to face as soon as possible. And I won't discuss anything much beyond "where do you want to meet" via email and "are you here?" via text before that face to face.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
How can you know if someone is genuine?
Posted: 2/17/2012 5:47:15 AM
OP...get a grip on the obsessing. It tears you up and is scary to others no matter how they feel about you.

You've probably been told that before but it's one of those things one needs to hear often until they can get a grip on themselves. This:


or if it's my own behaviour that creates these situations


is your key. Your choices, your behavior. It's that common denominator thing.

As far as this guy, I agree with the others - stop wasting your energy on him and start spending that energy on yourself. Oh, and the love bites will fade away.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Feel Like Crap..
Posted: 2/17/2012 5:39:23 AM
Wow, OP....

please let me add my hugs and good thoughts for you....
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 47 (view)
 
how many shoes girls?
Posted: 2/16/2012 2:39:54 PM
I'll step in for Gwen...it can be either for plural. You can say 'I have 5 pair of shoes' or you can say 'I have five pairs of shoes'. Just don't say "I ain't got no pairs of shoes"

But I don't EVEN want to count how many pairs of shoes I have. I know it's more than 30. I hope it's not as many as 100. Of course, that's counting all the flip-flops and such. There's probably actually about 10 I wear frequently depending on how cold and icy or warm and dry it is outside. If I even wear shoes.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Men who are addicted to internet dating sites
Posted: 2/16/2012 8:06:44 AM
I dated a man for many years who would activate a his hidden profiles on a few different sites every time we had a disagreement, minor or otherwise.

Yeah, it took a toll, even before I found out - which took a while because I was not trolling the sites until the signs were pretty obvious something was going on.

I'm not sure how many women he actually met doing this but I do know there was plenty of corresponding via email, a few actual meets and some phone conversations (including when we were together). I asked him why and he said "because it made him feel better" and proved he was attractive. Sad.

Essentially it removed him emotionally from any relationship we might have been able to have.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 126 (view)
 
What Should a Man Smell Like ?
Posted: 2/16/2012 6:51:50 AM
Be clean but please don't bathe in cologne. Ivory soap leaves a pretty sexy aroma, IMHO

Personally I'd rather smell sweaty armpits than some sort of artificial scent from 20 feet away.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Would you date (get in a relationship with) yourself?
Posted: 2/16/2012 6:42:42 AM
I'm pretty tolerant of others and like puzzles, so yes, I'd date/have a relationship with myself. Except, of course, the fact I'm not into dating other women.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 63 (view)
 
If your GF / BF mother is younger than you, does it make you uncomfortable?
Posted: 1/28/2012 7:48:47 AM
Reading this thread is like watching a train wreck.

sigh........
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
norm/or creepy
Posted: 1/28/2012 7:40:21 AM

If you have a unique job that someone can track you via that, first name and city, either change your city or don't mention your job



He did you a favor by pointing out how easy it is to find out who you are, he told you he did a quick Google search on your name and your job, and there you were.


I agree with both of the above. And for goodness sakes, don't use your work directory photo on dating website, or, for that matter, any social networking site, unless you want everyone at work to know easily know what you are up to when you are not at work and vice versa.

I don't think it's that unusual these for someone to google a person they are interested in knowing more about and he did do you a favor, possible unintended, to let you know just exactly how easy it is to find out all kinds of things about you.

It's okay for you to be creeped out about it and cut off contact. Now you need to do something about your visibility online.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
is this rude?
Posted: 1/28/2012 7:31:20 AM

So.. I find this rude. To invite themselves to my place. I think it would acceptable for him to invite me to his place .. not sure I'd accept since a second date in public is probably a better option. . but at least that would be less rude.


Avoid the pitfalls associated with assumptions.

He's putting forth options, and seeing what your boundaries might be. And as far as his place/your place...ehhh...not much difference. Maybe his place has filthy bathrooms and floors covered in dirty clothes or a pack of wild roommates, or some other situation that would make fixing a meal, conversing, and watching a movie together difficult at best.

At any time, if you aren't comfortable with an option someone has suggested, you respond with your own option of something you would be comfortable with, and you do not insist they pay the tab for that option.

So starts the process of getting to know someone collaboratively. It doesn't take long to find out if you then could actually be on the same page, whatever that page may be.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
If your GF / BF mother is younger than you, does it make you uncomfortable?
Posted: 1/22/2012 8:18:32 AM

Your profile is odd...You don't sound all that invested in the relationship and you spend your free time fantasizing about her mother and her sister. Very creepy, either act like a gentleman. Or don't get into real relationships. It really appears as if casual is what would work best for you. No woman will put up with you mentally shagging every woman she knows.


I agree. I only hope the young woman is (1. ) not thinking you might actually seriously be a potential life partner - or - (2.) is only with you for material reasons

No wonder you are getting odd vibes from her mother.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
If your GF / BF mother is younger than you, does it make you uncomfortable?
Posted: 1/22/2012 6:44:20 AM
Not exactly the same situation, other than the age thing being applicable:

My father's wife is two years younger than me. We get along very well, although at first I think it was a little off-setting for her, more so than for me. She was concerned over what people (including me) thought about her being involved with someone old enough to be her father, especially when there was a daughter older than her in the picture.

They are perfect for each other and have been happily married for over 20 years now.

While I can't see myself making the choice that either of them made to be involved with someone with whom there is nearly 30 year age gap, they made the right choice for themselves.


I think it is more because she is a women and women think differently than men about relationships. And there are aspects of her pesonality that I don't like. Such as I think she isn't quite as honest as she should be, she is at times too self centered and materialistic. So maybe it is her personality that is trigging a reaction in me.


Makes sense. And not being comfortable around a gf/bf's parents really has nothing to do with relative ages. Lots of couples have this issue.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Thinking hard about another woman!
Posted: 1/22/2012 6:29:28 AM

He has now done the 'right' thing and kicked her out. He told me he loved her, but can no longer allow her to wreck his life


This.

OP, as long as you enable her to live inside the bottle, you will be right there with her whether or not you also have a drinking problem because you have an enabling problem.

Getting laid outside your relationship will not change that - it might be yummy for a few minutes but not for very long. You know that, don't you?

The very best thing you can do is get help for yourself. Al-Anon. ACOA. Your own counselor. Melanie Beatty's excellent books. Even though you aren't female, the classic abuse book "Women who Love Too Much" will have some relevancy for you.

Go to a few open AA meetings by yourself. No one will bite you. And you will hear about things from her perspective in a way you will never hear them from her.

This does not have to mean you leave her, although it may come to that. She may or may not seek help for herself, but despite all of these well meaning people here telling you to "get help for her" and "stand by her", it won't work. She has to want it and seek it for herself or it will only become another battering ram for her to use against your self-esteem.

signed: been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Thinking hard about another woman!
Posted: 1/21/2012 7:15:32 PM
There is nothing you can do to stop her drinking, and two wrongs don't make a right.

But you can help yourself. Al-anon - or even just some counseling - will help you sort things out and regain some self esteem so you can set boundaries....both in your relationship and for yourself.

Or you can continue to wallow in destructive self-pity while you hope things will change and that she will see the light of how hard all of this is on long suffering you, while you clean up her various messes left from the drinking. This will not help anything in the long or short run, but you won't have to put in any effort to effect some positive changes in your life.

Yeah, the above might be harsh. But so's that alcoholic-codependent merry-go-round you are riding. You are as dysfunctional as she is.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 91 (view)
 
3rd date meal ideas....
Posted: 1/5/2012 6:09:00 PM
chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, milk gravy, corn. Salad. Apple pie for dessert.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Ex Bashing.....
Posted: 1/2/2012 7:20:28 AM

It was chronic ex-bashing. He had that perfected to an art. It seemed like maybe these were fresh wounds to him, but his current ex was 4++ years previous and the other was 15+ years ago. Really? I mean reeeeeeeeeeeally??? Still holding onto crap from 15+ years ago?


VGE, you ran into my ex, I see.

OT - It's not just ex-bashing (big red flag), it's the whole living-in-the-past thing. It's simply crazy-making to be around someone who continually recycles their past woes and joys like they happened yesterday. And constantly holds whoever is current in their life to the fire for those woes and joys. ACKKKK!!!!

We all have a past. Remember the lessons, let go of the details and move on to the next adventure.

Be here now.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 10/11/2011 8:16:00 PM
My second husband and I had been friends/coworkers for about 10 years before we "fell in love".

The friendship barely survived the divorce.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
left out of family
Posted: 10/11/2011 8:13:36 PM
oh, I don't know....

Yes, I do know. Sharing of families and close friends is a way of saying to someone "you are important to me" Not sharing families and close friends is a way of saying "I'm not so sure you are all that important to me."

At least in my opinion...
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Can't date because of work and life schedule
Posted: 9/26/2011 9:12:13 PM
I'm very busy...but can always find the time to meet within a week if I have a good reason.

But I do find it can be quite a task to mesh schedules with someone equally busy but with different time frames...often that takes more than two weeks.

And I find that some men who have no set schedule (like retired guys) get very frustrated when I can't just not go to work or set aside other important aspects of my life just to meet them.

Some are patient. There's a good reason for making time to meet someone!
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Partners who lose interest in sex
Posted: 9/24/2011 1:37:29 PM
My first husband lost interested in me as soon as I started showing with our first child. We did have two children but it's amazing there was ever a chance to conceive a second time.

We talked about it...he said once I became a mom...you know...anyway, he was never unfaithful but he did watch a lot of porn.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How will I know?
Posted: 9/23/2011 7:26:28 PM

I said 6 months but its more like 2 now that I think about it


Two months isn't very long. From what you've said I would guess she needs quite a bit of time to be comfortable, especially if she's recently (maybe even a couple of years) out of a relationship. Everyone is different, but for some of us rushing doesn't work well. For others it does.

Time is relative.

For your own sake, I would keep it light and if you value her as a friend cultivate the friendship. If you disappear from her life...well, it might validate her fears.

A friend of mine recently said "don't be so serious". It was good advice.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
How will I know?
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:45:03 PM
You'll know if you are willing to put yourself out there just a bit.

She may be scared...she may not be sure of what you are really after...if you are close friends, she may not want to risk losing a friend.

Ask her out...if you have a good time, ask her out again. Movies tend to be a good option for friends and gives you something to talk about to determine if you are on the same page.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Good place to meet men
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:39:51 PM

I was coming out of Rona last month with a 10 foot conduit pipe.
I was going to use it as curtain rod to separate my back room.
Some guy stops his car and says ...

"Wow ... a woman who knows what she wants and goes out to get it".

I thought ...

You have no fu cking idea.
I am so sick of doing all this stuff myself.


boy howdy...my thoughts exactly.

And yes, Saturday morning is Married Guy at Home Depot Time, at least in my town. I'd try Sunday night, the hour before the store closes. The bonus is that there is hardly any staff there, so other shoppers are about the only option for question asking. And what staff is there will also be single.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 90 (view)
 
Ok! Now he's slept with someone but is asking for forgiveness...?
Posted: 9/21/2011 5:09:25 AM

my biggest regret is sharing his private demons on here


ForumQueen...his private demons are pretty much a non-issue to the rest of us because we all have them.

What we've been focusing on is that he bumped private parts with another woman and for some odd reason you seem to think it's an isolated incident that will never happen again.

What we see is that at least 98.37% of the time, a man who insists on a non-exclusive dating arrangement with a woman, even one who goes to church with him, is not likely to feel a reason to be sexually faithful to that woman.

BTW, this scenario is not gender specific. If a person is unwilling to be exclusive it means they are leaving themselves open to partaking of opportunities as they arise, so to speak.

If you want to be there for him, fine, that's your call. We'll be looking forward to the next "he did it again" post or to the one you predict, the "we worked through it and are amazingly happy" post, no matter what in what order they happen.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Ok! Now he's slept with someone but is asking for forgiveness...?
Posted: 9/18/2011 1:17:55 PM

I don't want to waste any more time on this if it's just a train wreck waiting to happen


It's now a train wreck in progress.

This guy is not ready to be exclusive. He may try, but the same thing will happen again if you condone the behavior by accepting it as a one-time incident.

My advice: let him go find himself. And don't sequester yourself. Who knows where either of you will be in a few months time?
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 57 (view)
 
How do I delete all my fiance’s accounts and posts?
Posted: 9/18/2011 6:56:08 AM
The answer to your serious question, Mandyrw (aka OP) is that it never, ever works to manage someone else's life for them. It leads to resentment, distrust and eventually rebellion by both people.

If your man is to overcome his limitations created by his various psychosis, he needs to complete whatever steps himself. It just simply does not work for someone else to handles those things. He needs to admit he has a problem, that, for instance, posting in various forums depress him or posting in forums about the issues between the two of you is disrespectful of you. Once he admits that, he is on the path to stopping the self-harming behavior.

If you are to heal, truly heal, you need to realize that as long as you manage his recovery for him, instead of insisting he manage it for himself, there will always be another problem you need to manage for him, another reason for him to be unwell. This will drag you down, consume your life, and restrict your ability to take care of yourself and your child.

People are calling you a troll because the very fact of you presenting this belief you need to protect him by deleting all of his accounts and by making him stay off the internet is so incredibly dense/disillusional it's hard to swallow that you seriously think anyone other than himself can successfully do these things.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Lovers first?/...or friends first??
Posted: 9/18/2011 6:31:46 AM
Define "last". Are you talking about more than 6 months? More than 10 years?

My observation is that most "lover's first" things don't last past 6 months. It does help to get to know a person a bit first when you are talking about relationship longevity.

But then I know of relationships that started on the first date and lasted for years and years...so can happen.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
I don't get it...
Posted: 9/13/2011 3:25:51 PM
Free...maybe you don't realize you have/had Long Term under seeking...

As far as not being able to afford counseling, perhaps there is some sort of women's or co-ed support group in your area you could join for free or just a donation to pay for coffee and the meeting room.

Even something like Al-Anon or other 12 step program could help. Even if alcohol/drugs are not the issue, behavior that by itself leaves one confused can trigger some of the same reactions.

If that sort of support group is not an option, volunteering or joining a book or walking club may lead you to someone or a group who is a face to face sounding board. Lots of us have experienced similar things and more or less managed to get beyond them...

Most of all, though, please realize you are not doing either yourself or him any favors by allowing contact at this point. Maybe in 6 months or a year...and maybe never again. Only time will tell but at this point feelings are just too raw.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I don't get it...
Posted: 9/13/2011 4:46:03 AM
Free - the drama starts with the first word, two paragraphs before the "edit". But this isn't the profile review section.

Bottom line - the block/unblock/phone drama stuff come across as signals you aren't done with him yet. Maybe you think you are, but to some of us it's pretty obvious you are not. 3 weeks is a pretty short window to have worked through an intense relationship and be ready to look for a long-term keeper. It may not be fun being alone, but it's also not fair to yourself or another person to not really be ready. It's just a recipe for continuing drama - different face, same story.

Avoid him. If you must date so soon, chose a venue where he's not also involved to meet people. Or be prepared for more of the same. It always takes two...the giver and the receiver.

Just saying...
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
I don't get it...
Posted: 9/12/2011 7:55:54 PM
I'll go with the drama-seeking theory. OP, your block him/change emails/unblock/answer the phone sequence and the first part of your profile are all big messages to him saying you want his attention...

IMHO, you need to give yourself some more alone time.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
If you were dating a woman and this happened
Posted: 9/11/2011 7:23:53 PM
Listen to Tall...

It sounds like a big, huge mess and it's only going to get worse if you keep picking at it. Let her think about what happened and what is what.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
If you were dating a woman and this happened
Posted: 9/11/2011 6:49:37 PM
It doesn't really matter if she did or did not 'do' him. What matters is that you have a question about it. You will always have that question...so you need to decide if you still be involved with her no matter what happened.

In all truth, in the way you related the events it sounds suspicious. But if someone were lying the story might either be much more elaborate, or it would have been "my best girlfriend from high school...". Or did you find out she was out with a guy and confront her?

One thing makes sense, though. If she drove thirty miles to see this guy and got drunk, it's good she stayed there and did not get back on the road and drive back.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Religion and Dating
Posted: 9/11/2011 3:46:03 PM
dwmitch


Things were great for the first month or two. Then it fell apart. She tried turning me into a witch and I tried turning her into a Baptist. This went on for nearly five miserable years because we were both on a mission.



The second one was an atheist. Again, things went well for a month or so. Then another four years wasted because again, we were both on a mission. She was trying to get me away from church and I was trying to get her into it.

The fact that you're asking this question means it's already something of an issue for you. If it's not an issue for her now odds are it will become one in the future. Eventually she's going to try to save your soul and you're going to try to "free her mind." I've seen it happen many times, in addition to my own experiences, and it has never ended well.




Yep, I've seen it in action also. As well as the offshoot: the couple stays together and the organized religion person becomes a self-stated martyr to the other or vice versa.

OP, herein lies your answer
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/11/2011 7:40:36 AM

She said that she isnt ready to fully commit to a relationship but still wants to want to see me ...


Believe her.


She contends that she isnt seeing or meeting anyone else, but is just reading messages and sending few replies back ? keeping her "options" open ?

All the while, she shows interest in me and displays genuine affection, we talk and text several times per day, and still see each other practically every other day.


I'm sorry. I was recently in a similar situation. I hid my profile. He said he wanted to keep his options open but was still very attentive. LOTS of mixed messages. Finally he told me that he liked being single/nonserious and would be continuing to meet other women.

The honesty was appreciated even it was a bit delayed. We can now concentrate on friendship.

My advice is that you take what she says at face value: She enjoys spending time with you but is not ready to see you exclusively and then decide whether you want to hang in there on a maybe, be just friends, or move on.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Being stood up
Posted: 9/11/2011 6:15:22 AM
OP, I'm not sure who was actually stood up in this story.

Ok, being stood up is not fun. Anticipating a meet-and-greet is not always fun either. But...in my experience, most people don't show up early. So when I arrive someplace 10 or 20 minutes early, whether due to traffic, timing, nervousness or whatever, I remember the clock doesn't start on waiting until the actual agreed upon time. Most show up on time, but 15-20 minutes happens too. 30 minutes AFTER the agreed upon time is a reasonable amount period to wait before considering yourself stood up.

So why did you go get gas only 10 minutes after the time the two of you agreed on? You didn't give enough time to account for traffic, timing, nervousness, etc on his part. And then you called him all those times in what had to be a short time frame? Ack! OCD with the phone!

He showed up, you blew off meeting him when you knew he was there. You left the meeting place without giving a reasonable time for him to show up, and then didn't show up yourself.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Why do people try to turn friendships into romantic relationships?
Posted: 9/10/2011 10:25:43 PM
IMHO, there should not be friend zone-romance zone rules of progression. That's just too limiting and not really realistic.

If an ex is willing to be friends I'm all for it. I've noticed, though, that generally those ex's who do remain friends have expressed, openly or subtly, a hope to become more than friends again. The ones that don't want to get re-involved tend to not want to make the move to friends after the relationship has ended. Oh! and I notice the same thing about my feelings. There's always this "maybe" sort of thing in the air...

I've had romances that arose out of friendships, both casual and close buddy friends, as we became more familiar with each other. It is a pretty cool thing...being friends first is a good way to find out if you are compatible in many of the ways that make a relationship successful.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
How to break a toxic love pattern
Posted: 9/8/2011 3:34:37 PM

Now, 16 years divorced, I seem to steer away from committed relationships. I had a FWB for many years till he passed away this winter. Now I'm considering dating again....and I'm not sure I can trust my instincts


ummmm...yeah...me too.

My ears pick right up when I am attracted to someone because I've made some pretty bonehead choices in the past. And I know why and what to watch out for, maybe too well. If I'm attracted, I proceed with extreme caution...It's a problem, though, and I know that I've missed out on some great chances because I've become rather picky.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Sexless Marriage... is it worth it for the kids or should it be quits?
Posted: 9/8/2011 3:21:42 PM
all of the above.

We can't tell you whether or not a sexless marriage is for you. Only you know if you could deal with that. But for absolutely certain, you should not be miserable in a relationship for the sake of the kids because they will be able to sense the tension between their parents and the outcome of that will not be good now or in the future.

Passion tends to come and go and come back again in a marriage. Consider this.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Dating opinion - please read
Posted: 9/6/2011 7:30:11 PM
I like to concentrate on one person at a time...but after a first meet? or even a first date...hmmm, that's a little soon, I think,for there to be enough mutual comfort to ask someone else to not meet others, even if you don't want to keep fishing yourself.

But then, if she's as attracted to you as you are to her, it probably wouldn't be an issue...she's either not ready to be serious about anyone or she's not yet found the person she thinks could be serious about. Sorry.

btw, abelian


Exclusivity isn't marriage or even a relationship. If two people decide it's a bust after 3 dates, how many opportunities did they miss in a week?


I love this! Exclusive doesn't have to mean forever...it just means giving it a chance to find out if there might be something to that feeling
without throwing a lot of variables in the way.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 30 (view)
 
My Porch
Posted: 9/5/2011 7:44:15 PM
I live in a good neighborhood now...people keep their houses and yards nice, all the dogs are on leashes, there's neighborhood watch. It's a back-yard neighborhood though. There is very little interaction between people here.

I used to live in a rougher neighborhood. Yards weren't kept up. Paint was peeling on houses and fences. Dogs ran loose. And people sat on front porches; kids played in the street, we all knew who was who and where they belonged and talked all the time and dropped by and watched out for each other just because. It was like living in a small town again.

I miss that neighborhood.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 49 (view)
 
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 8/18/2011 5:50:36 PM

The whole idea behind pushing this ideology was, more about human rights and break the cycle of the religiously or culturally indtoctrinated people making or treating a woman a lesser being than they are (human).
Religion+ lack of intelligence + cultural pressure can produce such and I know some people may attack my post for saying exactly how it is


Very well put.

It's not about roles in the relationship, who brings home the bacon or takes care of the house and kids. It's about being regarded as the thinking human we all are no matter the type of between-the-legs equipment.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
staying in touch with exes...
Posted: 8/13/2011 3:49:05 PM
It completely depends on the parties involved.

Is one of the ex's still pining over the other? How has their relationship been since the break up? Is there resentment, remarks, etc? Are you talking doing things as a group or just one person hanging out with the ex and not including the current?

I have had very easy, casual friendships with ex's that included the current. I've had current's that were uneasy about the ex and I respected that feeling. I have an ex that I'm friends with who I would be very reluctant to introduce to any new friend, whether or not I was romantic with that person (hmmm, better rethink keeping that ex as a friend). I had an ex whose ex-wife I was friends with, and he was friends with her current and that was a great situation, frankly. Very easy for all of us.

this is not a black and white situation; rather I would say if one values their current relationship, they would respect that person's wishes on the matter, kid involvement aside.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
single women who date married men
Posted: 8/13/2011 2:27:38 PM
ummmm...


"Just because a woman choses to be involved with married men it doesn't mean she is a ho, slut, or a golddigger like some ASSUME ON HERE! My friends are decent, respectible woman with jobs and who are self sufficient."

I join the others in callling bu!!sh!t on this statement. Grow up and learn some empathy and compassion...along with some critical thinking skills, misshoney

And, OP, there you have it. Women do this because they can, just like men do, and they also justify their behavior with all kinds of garbage. I've been approached by a vast number of men that I know are married and they all have the same sort of story "my wife doesn't care what I do" "my wife won't have sex with me" "my wife has a medical condition" "we do our own thing". I say "well, I wonder what your wife will say when I tell her about your request to me?"and then I tell them to get lost.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Moral dilemma!!! Opinions needed...
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:37:29 PM
Kids deserve to have their parents either openly together or openly apart. They sense the tension, and will be crushed when they find out their parents are living in a pretense. The shared not married-not divorced situation OP described is confusing at best for the kids involved.

I've know lots of teenagers and young adults who were suffering greatly from finding out,usually rather abruptly, their parents didn't have the union they pretended to have.

It's my opinion they ought to try their very hardest to be married. And if that can't be done, they can still remain "best friends" without having joint checking outs and shared living space. And until they have dissolved the legal and residential ties, they need to not be seeking others for dating.
 
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