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 Author Thread: state of the union address
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 41 (view)
 
state of the union address
Posted: 2/2/2014 7:07:46 AM

And what's all this with Obama being black, anyway? He's no more black than he is white, no? So, since he's not called mixed, why don't we just as easily say he's white?


^^^Let me help you out.

Have you heard of Jim Crow or racial segregation laws? The "one-drop rule" still exists. To put it in today's context, (and see how far we haven't come) have a look at the link to the article below. If you need more just Google 'one-drop' or Jim Crow.

http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2010/12/%E2%80%98one-drop-rule%E2%80%99-persists/
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Newish-used cars. Advise
Posted: 2/2/2014 6:51:22 AM

A used one will hold it's value.


Resale value is a moot point unless you're only keeping it a year or two


^^^My point had nothing to do with short term ownership.
It's residual resale value that sets and drives up the price of a 'used' Toyota, Honda, Subaru vs other brands. Years after expired warranties, these brands just keep ticking away without the kinds of major repairs typically associated with others. These brands retain high consumer confidence.

It's low consumer confidence and low residual value that explains why I didn't buy a Chevy Cruz, even though I surprisingly liked the car when I rented it while at a conference. That car and brand doesn't imo, have anywhere near the solid workmanship associated with the Toyota or a Honda ---which typically even at 250+Km still has great future ahead; when similar cars at that mileage are often junked.

In the late '90's I bought a Honda Civic hatchback from a neighbor. With more than 230Km on it, I felt I might have been buying a problem so I brought it into the neighborhood mechanic. He told me post-inspection, that if I didn't buy it, he would! Over the years that I owned that car, I was struck by how many complete strangers would keep checking it out when it was parked, asking if I was interested in selling.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 149 (view)
 
Asking a Female Stranger Out. (Randomly)
Posted: 2/1/2014 8:45:51 AM

I'm saying stop caring so much whether not all interactions turn into dates.


^^^Couldn't agree more.

There is something to be gained by just having an ease about you. I'm attracted to men and women who have that about them. I think when you look at each interaction as something that will possibly result in a date, there is very likely to be a palpable sub-current of nervousness that will translate as something less than attractive to some women.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Newish-used cars. Advise
Posted: 2/1/2014 7:59:17 AM
Here's my 2 cents...and rationale.

I had a Toyota Echo until a year ago when I sold it and bought a Subaru Crosstrek. The Echo was/is phenomenal. I've owned a Corolla, Tercel and shared my mother's Camry at one time. Our family has had vans and larger Toyota vehicles for decades. My Echo was like all of my Toyota experiences, a phenomenal 'beast' of a car---beyond reliable.

A colleague of mine picks up a two-year old Toyota Camry every 4 years or so....and it's been the same for him. Easy driving, reliability and access to repairs.

So why did I go with a Subaru? I went through the mountains in Pennsylvania during the winter in January 2013, and came out of it thinking I need a 4 wheel drive vehicle that settles my nerves in super adverse winter conditions, and decided to try a new brand.

Winter driving considerations aside, the Subaru brand is as legendary as Toyota's. I felt that every car they sell has a solid niche established for safety, reliability and value, and in some vehicles, the brand runs head-to-head with that of Toyota. I see tons of older Subarus in my daily travels; not as much as Toyotas, but still, lots. Their Impreza is a solid little car. A used one will hold it's value.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/20/2014 6:19:07 PM
Your eagerness and vulnerability to the fate you want to avoid seems to be demonstrated with, "I am smitten".

I think if you want to have this relationship develop roots, then wait a bit.

I read your posts about who/when etc and it seems to me that the initial contacts seems to be you more so than him, unless I'm missing something. You initially contacted him and yes he answered your notes, but I don't see where he's written you on his own after several days. Did I miss something?

Personally, I'd stay far away from the trap of getting together on Valentine's Day; even if it's your birthday.

There's too much inherent built in expectations and yours is such a fledgling relationship. Planning to celebrate with friends/family and not keeping the date open (for him), keeps the right distance. Hopefully, he will suggest celebrating with you on another night in your birthday week.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
My dilemma, paternity etc
Posted: 1/20/2014 5:47:04 PM

My thought has basically been that if it turned out negative I could expect their Mom to contribute financially and perhaps even the biological Dad. However I have feared that if they are not actually mine it would hurt them and hurt our relationship.




I care deeply about them butsometimes struggle with the weight of responsibility.


^^^I really have a problem with that sentence....

I have no problem comprehending....Your current motivation for doing what you're considering doing is based on money, which started with a thought process emerging out of the realization and pain of being cheated on. Your fear that one daughter is not your own, is your issue alone to deal with for life--- unfair but true.

The only reason to unload this and to potentially make this a huge family issue is to pursue it as means to seek financial relief against the mom --and for mere money, you'd apparently risk one daughter being hurt forever.

The medical file is a non-issue. Both parents can contribute information to a medical file without her involvement now. You are pursuing this folly simply to eliminate some of the 'responsibility' you are allegedly struggling with. How would you be handling things if they were both biologically yours? How would you be managing? Believe that they are both biologically yours, and move forward with Plan "B".



In a previous relationship she had two children. The children called me dad. It didn't matter who was the biological. What mattered was the loved that was exchange.


^^^That's exactly what it's about. I had two long-term blended families experiences. "Our" children came to mind when I read this...
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
West Virginia water crisis
Posted: 1/20/2014 4:51:02 AM

let the states handle environmental concerns? that will simply leave the poor states to have none, attract the dirty companies as a result, and once it hits the fan, the companies can either retreat back their HQ in the Bahamas or claim bankrupcy protection, and golly, the Feds have to run in and clean things up--so much for trying to decrease the Fed budget.





Over at the Guardian, Ana Marie Cox breaks with Beltway norms, positing that what's happened in Charleston is actually a "bigger scandal" than what's going on in Trenton. "If we called West Virginia 4-methylcyclohexane-methanol leak 'Watergate,'" she asks, "do you think the political press would pay more attention?" Sadly, the likely answer is, "Why start now?"

It says a lot that it's fallen, in part, to National Geographic's Laura Parker to explain what's been going on in West Virginia and to try to apply some accountability. As Parker reports, the chemical industry's presence in West Virginia has spawned a bevy of chemical-storage facilities, dotting the banks of the state's rivers from Point Pleasant to the Gauley Bridge. Over the course of a century, the chemical industry and the coal industry have been in a local competition with one another to see which can contaminate more drinking water (Parker notes that the coal industry is winning). Locals have sought relief from all of this, pointing to legislation passed in California that created a public safety program that's "minimized industrial accidents" in the Golden State. (A similar proposal "died in the [West Virginia] legislature without coming up for a vote," reports Parker.)

So, whose job is it to man the watchtower over Chemical Valley? Jedediah Purdy, writing for The New Yorker, provides the answer:

It was, apparently, no one's job to regularly monitor Freedom Industries' tanks along the Elk, even though state officials knew that hazardous chemicals were sitting near the West Virginia American Water intake. The West Virginia Department of Health and Human Resources produced its most recent "Source Water" report on the site in 2002; it includes no reference to either [4-methylcyclohexane methanol] or Freedom Industries. ... The state's Department of Environmental Protection inspected the tanks in 1991, and found nothing amiss when, in 2010, it responded to a report of a licorice scent, or in 2012, when it updated its air-pollution oversight. The only permit issued by a state agency for the site governs stormwater runoff. Local officials have sometimes asked for new authority to plan for chemical spills, but those requests go nowhere in a state government that habitually defers to both coal and chemical companies.

Purdy goes on to note that the interplay between federal regulators and state officials is highly dysfunctional. The Environmental Protection Agency and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration leave "matters entirely to state officials," and in return for this demonstration of faith, they are rewarded with political potshots. "Attacking federal environmental regulation is regarded as a safe bet in West Virginia state politics," Purdy writes, adding, "The entire crisis is a tableau of abdication: years of privatization and non-regulation followed by panic."

All of which suggests that Ana Marie Cox is really onto something when she suggests that what's going on in West Virginia is a more worthy -- even juicier -- story to cover than "Bridgegate." But, oh! Think of the work involved! "Bridgegate," at the very least, comes with the convenience of an email that says, "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee." Whereas, there's no email anywhere that reads, "Time for a decades-long tableau of abdication in Charleston." There doesn't need to be when the abandonment of responsibility is simply part of the natural order. And yet, if some long-lost missive with those words could be ferreted out, things might be different.

Or perhaps not, because as Cox notes, what's happening in West Virginia forces us to have a different sort of reckoning. Unlike the woes of Chemical Valley, "Bridgegate" does not force anyone "to take a look at our own lives or behavior." And here is the inconvenient truth that lies waiting be discovered -- the vulnerable tributaries and the decimated mountaintops of West Virginia are a symbol-slash-scar that testifies, each and every day, to the sacrifice that West Virginians have made to provide a wealthier and more convenient life for the rest of the nation. We should ask: To whom do we owe a greater responsibility -- the temporarily delayed travelers of the George Washington Bridge, or the people who gutted their own state to provide us all with electricity and who can now never look at the water flowing from their own taps without a creeping sense of suspicion?

Huffington Post Almost Forgotten, West Virginia: Your Sunday Morning Conversation

 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
My real age is this age, I can't change it now.
Posted: 1/19/2014 5:07:34 PM
I think back to how many men have written me over the years claiming that they've made the 5-years-younger mistake. Most don't ever seem to make that 5 years older mistake.... Somewhat surprising because it's not about typing but managing a pull down menu where one might think that there should be a percentage of those types of errors too.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
My dilemma, paternity etc
Posted: 1/19/2014 4:25:39 PM
This thread really made me angry. The actions you're contemplating and the rationale behind it is pathetic. You're hardly being a parent now choosing to preoccupy yourself with whether or not your daughter, a child you have raised since birth is worth you continuing to be in her life as her father---meaning, caring for her as you would her sister, a child genetically yours.

You are legally her father, biologically linked or not. Take your you cues from that and put the welfare of your kids while they remain with you, first.

The ruination of what they have understood all their lives is not what a 'parent' would do. It would not only ruin your daughter it would relegate her to 'less than' status in her eyes, clearly your eyes, and possibly ruin her relationship with her sister and other family relationships would likely suffer.

Is it worth the upheaval of someone you reportedly 'love' to simply appease your wallet; I mean seriously, what are you thinking, that IS your daughter. Someone needs to protect her from harm. Hello? That's you.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Does marriage change people who have previoulsy lived together for years?
Posted: 1/19/2014 3:09:40 PM
If you have been living together for several years, 5 or so, and then get married because you want to start a family, that kind of transitioning into a more mature settled phase of your lives together--childcare, harried jobs, and bills-- that kind of distancing from what was possibly a more carefree relationship phase, can wreak havoc with what I believe are weak relationships. The working through all that requires maturity; some aren't there nor capable of getting there, no matter how old they are.

Critical relationship plateaus like the 7th year for instance, affects some and not all. Everyone has unique situations about them that will impact whether or not their relationship lasts, married or not.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
West Virginia water crisis
Posted: 1/19/2014 2:35:04 PM

And you know what? I find the argument that regulation and enforcement hurts business to be bogus. Had Freedom Industries been inspected and their containment system restored they wouldn't be bankrupt today. They wouldn't have lost 7500 gallons of product that they otherwise would have put on the market. And they wouldn't be facing the wrath of 300,000 angry citizens and the laughing stock of national pundits.


^^^ It is bogus.
It's also a wake up call when one considers the large percentage of the WVA population whose safety was compromised by the preference of legislators to protect profits and industries.

All those people who routinely choose to risk the health, happiness and livelihoods of potentially thousands of people and even the health of some of the next generations to support unchecked commerce over ensuring the most basic safety of the population, should be held accountable for any long-term damage.

For those lawmakers who continually cry, "Who needs(more) government regulation?" These are the people who in their lifetime make every choice and every vote to support profits over communities and who seem to never be directly impacted.

For all those who deride the importance of government oversight so they can get away with short cuts and make more money over doing what's right by, inspections and regulations at every level, whether that is municipal, state or federal...I'd like to banish the lot spend time living in some non-regulated bubble of their choosing...

Someplace where those who advocate wrongly on behalf of everyone else, can experience life free from regulation.

The fun (risk) can start with travel to the the bubble. Get to that non-regulated parcel of land without the benefit of any of any oversight body watching out or regulating for your safety, on the transportation carrier of choice. No need to worry about standards for one's vehicle or the one adjacent to yours. No need to worry about the condition of the roads, bridges, signage, closures, emergency operations, signposts, or speed. No need to worry about the flammability of the fuel used to power it. After all, who cares about standards?

And while at that bubble, get out to the nearest restaurant and order something 'fresh' and tasty. Don't worry about the fridge being only on half of the week and only able to keep things 'somewhat' cool; refrigeration is over-rated anyway. Don't worry about hygiene, in the kitchen, restroom or the guy putting your 'tasty' sandwich together. Mice droppings falling on your head while you eat? Just blow them off your plate.

Don't leave without visiting the local grocery store and picking up some non-inspected, somewhat refrigerated meat, dairy, and canned goods. Oh, and good luck with the canned goods... Just watch out for bulging cans. In the bubble dates stopped appearing on them years ago..but it's all good, really.

The bubble has some beautiful houses for your family, age unknown, as is the asbestos levels within. But hey, that doesn't matter, nor does the grandpa wisdom used to construct the home. You might want to out fit the entire family in hard hats and an escape plan---bootstrap safety first! The 'electrician' ( a guy two houses down) didn't finish his training and has been too busy to pass by in the last year or so..but he likely knew what he was doing 'back then'. He only failed the 2nd year of his program and while he stopped attending the 'school', people say he's got most of it in his head anyway...

And don't forget to send your kids to the neighbor next door; she looks after kids in the bubble. Don't worry about the 25:1 ratio for kids 4 - 10. She'll get to your 3 year old tot eventually; and oh, could you just leave the baby bottle on the counter with your kid's name on it....the fridge is full.
Need anyone say more?

The buffoons that speak the loudest on the merits of not needing more regulation for others and who always appear to have the least interest in protecting the least among us, are often the very ones who have the most options that take them and their family far away from any risk in any emergency situation, where sadly everyday people have little to no options for theirs.

Not coincidentally, these folks are undoubtedly also the very ones that are going to pick up the phone and sue someone up the ying yang the minute it's proven that someone should have had this, that or the other thing in place in order to have operated an X, Y, or Z.

Everyday people in WVA will have to expect and demand more and make regulations for the many over profits for the few, an issue for both parties in the coming election.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Sandygate
Posted: 1/19/2014 1:09:02 PM

but this looks like a set up

think about it..christie has presidential asperations........people in the know say hes got a danged good chance.................does anyone think he would actually commit political suicide?


^^^I do.

When you're that arrogant, that puffed up with your own self-importance and blinded by ambition for the presidency, I think you can be that stupid.

You can be stupid in thinking that it's possible in this day and age to have that much control in order to either intimidate, obfuscate or hide your tracks.

Mayor Zimmer's testimony is going to place criminality around Christie's neck. He's steeped in it. The journal entry to some is weak evidence implicating him. I see that diary evidence, her description of the conversation and the fact that she repeated it to her inner circle damning.

Bring on the legal teams; bring on the forensic accountants...
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
I ruined my life - now what?
Posted: 12/1/2013 5:34:30 PM

My life as I know it is over.

^^^Get rid of that phrase from your thought process or it might become your reality.

Now what? You will have to do a lot of things now fairly quickly. There are other opportunities out there. Find an online assessment tool to assess your current skills and see what other area you can apply them in and perhaps transition to.

If you're in such a niche field, do you have an ability to be a self-employed contractor selling your service expertise back to the sector?

Regardless of what you feel is the embarrassment of a lifetime, dust off your LinkedIn profile, update it indicating that you're looking and get networking.

While you may have gone about this entirely the wrong way, you don't know that your claim isn't substantiated by others out there. It may seem like everyone will believe otherwise, but you don't know that for sure. Seriously, crying can only take you so far in one day and then you really have to get on with it.

In the interim re your home... I suggest you go forward as per Dameright's advice; especially the part about not being too proud. This part I think will be hard for you, but if you don't have a back-up plan, one has to be resourceful and and pride has no place.

To save your home, and stop the immediate hemorrhaging taking in a room mate as Dame suggested is a great idea. Or perhaps what might work better is to rent your entire place out furnished as a corporate or academic rental, while you find a place to share,further out or perhaps outside of the city where it's cheaper.

Whatever your skills, and whatever you're following up on...your efforts cannot simply be on one single effort; you need to work concurrently on several approaches. One should be to sign up for temporary work at several agencies while you're 'fresh' from employment, looking to replace your job with a permanent opportunity.

edited
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Let the past go!
Posted: 12/1/2013 4:55:01 PM
Your 3 month relationship is in the early getting-to-know-you dating stage. Now that you've propped up the lid on all this, is there really any capacity in you to pretend you don't care about what this is and continue to go through the motions?

Trust works two ways. The problem is that you both don't know each other well at 3 months. He may be the most caring guy ever, but your 3 months of knowing him won't likely quell what is likely an unsettled feeling that you have about him now.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
So much grey area. My next move is confusing...
Posted: 11/26/2013 7:43:55 AM
Truthfully OP, I think you both blew it. But yes, the damage and the ensuing heavy lift to move it forward would appear to be with you. Should you do it? I'm not sure.

There are things here that seemingly took the gloss off rather early in my opinion. I agree with your assertion of too much familiarity. I'd suggest that if your post is a description of most of your interludes, then 'a little less conversation and a little more action' might be a part of the problem! I don't read of your attraction to this woman. Is it there? She sounds like a possible great friend.

Since you're doing a post-mortem.

1.) If you don't know someone well, and your intent is to change that: limit your use of texts in the initial stages and go more old-school with calls, and yes, I get that she's a texter. There's just something about how you dissect what's happening that makes me believe that things happen that are unintended consequences of of largely how you behave in interpersonal situations.

2.) Be as flexible as you can. If you are asked would you like to meet up, and you both have pre-existing plans don't toss yours or hers under the bus---simply accommodate meet her at the front end of the evening and move on with your plans after a quick drink.

When she asked you to 'grab a bite in your neighborhood', you wrote, "For some reason I didn’t like that because it was spontaneous and I didn’t have the power to bring her the food."
^^^What's that part "I didn't have the power to bring her the food"???

She was showing you interest and making it easy for you, and you threw a slow moving tortoise in the path towards what-could-have-been.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 138 (view)
 
Buying a stranger a drink.
Posted: 9/8/2013 2:10:59 PM

Hmmm...not quite sure what you mean by that.

^^^Sorry Procol-- on second read it's sounds a bit disparaging...and it wasn't at all meant to be. I'll clarify. What I meant was that the venue does matter. Men who like you are of the mind to buy drinks for women and who also would like to have an expectation of some degree of success, would do well to pay attention to the venue and to the time of day...that's all I meant. There have been crappy pick-up places that I've been to over the years, where whenever the door opens a lot of the single guys in there swivel in their chairs to check out the women. A place that's welcoming, inviting and family run, doesn't have that same sort of feel and will likely have a good mix of people.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 136 (view)
 
Buying a stranger a drink.
Posted: 9/8/2013 12:36:41 PM

Procol we need to get you a wing man or even a wing woman (wink) to help you get your swagger back.

^^^While I kind of agree with this...I also think that you'd have done much better if you tried it on your own...that's my take on it anyway.

Procol, this family owned friendly place is the right venue to try this kind of thing. A quality venue attracts a certain crowd. Also day and time matters. I don't mind being sent over a drink in a nice place. In a dodgy place, full of 'Procol-types' all lining the bar, all watching the door open... all doing the same eye shots...in the late evening...not at all the same thing, and very unlikely to end on a positive note.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 31 (view)
 
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/8/2013 11:57:06 AM
While RR man's resurrection of the litany of inane babble that passes for day-to-day discourse in some marriages is hilarious and could seriously swear most off from any more of 'that', I do think unrelenting singleness is not something to aim for either.

I have a friend who I've known since 2005. I have never once heard of her going on a date or having a relationship in the time I've known her. Her life is lived at work, with a close friend and her family, and increasingly with a group of single women, who like her have been out of it for what seems like easily a decade. When one is divorced since 1999 and the years roll without a break, and easily a decade passes, I think that's a sad thing.

Some who have been through a divorce rationalize being alone and not putting up with the someone's foibles, as the better option. I like to think that we don't tend to have the same problem in each relationship, so therefore it's worth it now and again to put your toe out and test the water...regardless or not if it's colder than you thought or if you've got an irrational fear of ankle biting sharks.

None of us are the complete package; therefore be reasonable and somewhat optimistic about what you're looking for.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Terrorism is not an enemy, its a tactic
Posted: 9/8/2013 11:04:20 AM
^^^Without a doubt, one of your best posts nipoleon.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How to Use a Generic Viewpoint to See Through News.
Posted: 9/8/2013 8:20:22 AM

Please add in any additional plot lines I've overlooked.

^^^I think you may have missed the most basic---the bottom line--or shaping news as a palatable commodity. Distilling content to fill every conceivable niche and viable audience is the pressure of the existing content/revenue model.

Driving advertising revenues is an insistent drumbeat. Numbers 1 - 6, merely a variety of choice catering on 'how you take your news'...

I don't know if the news ever existed to fully serve the common good. It seems that there was always a concurrent plot line.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 7 (view)
 
My boyfriend aims to break everything. what should I do?
Posted: 9/8/2013 7:06:24 AM
I'm loathe to recommend anything to you because you've already proven to yourself that you can stand to take his incredibly poor treatment of you and keep on ticking (somehow)...

Apart from not being excesively supportive towards me when I was sad, he was sweet, and caring.

^^^For example how are you able to reconcile this understanding about him - seriously, how??

I was very proud that we finally passed 7 days without him leaving me.

^^^This is not something that you should be thinking is a positive. The fact that you do, makes it highly unlikely that you can ever see that this is never going to work with him.

... said that i doesn't like my tone and that I need to shut up, and **** you. he hang up. and then he txted so many insulting text messages, after that texted that I need to apologise. I was numb. My heart broke into billions of pieces.

^^^You should have no qualms to never go back to him.

It was so painful. Yesterday I felt very bad regarding what happened and contacted him. he was soo angry at me. said that I am not worth the time, that he feels ashamed in front of his friends if we come back together, and basically that maybe after sometime we can get back. but this time is all over.

So i said that if he breaks all in such small pieces, he will lose me.

^^^It should have been game over between you in the first 4 months very likely. Unfortunately, you appear to be under some delusion that love between two people needs to be an uphill marathon through thorns and so onward...

Some relationships don't work. They clearly don't work from the beginning and are often very apparent if you're not the type that continually rationalizes bad behavior in your partners (and likely others).

It seems that you were in a bad place when you met him and very likely before that. Don't continue to overly dramatize this 'as the love of your life now lost'. It's definitely not that. What this is, is a very unhealthy relationship. Cut the drama because it will keep you stuck ruminating what has been. Divert your attention elsewhere toward the future. Define the steps to move forward and think about your future alone and on your own for awhile.

Break ups are hard almost every time. This person is damaged and will never make you happy. If you keep feeling that happiness in love is about an immeasurable inequality in attention, effort and caring, you will never be satisfied with someone 'healthy' who is unlike this guy. You will continually look for this particular kind of 'calling card' to activate your interest.

Let him stay dumped. Cut the contact with him completely. Find a roommate, concentrate on your own job and think long and hard about what it is in you that continually rationalizes someone's bad behavior and treatment of you.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Are my suspicions/jealousy crazy?
Posted: 8/16/2013 3:46:15 PM

So he's been spending almost every night with me-after work or our other hobbies. Last night he asks if I'd be upset if he left after the movie, cause his son needed him to take him to financial aid office in the morning, and he didn't feel like getting up at 6am to do it cause he was tired. I was shocked cause it wasn't even 9pm yet.


^^^I am shocked that you have a problem with this. It's unreasonable to expect undivided attention night after night. Heck, leaving at 10 after being at work all day and then with him...when do either of you spend some downtime alone?

If you don't have some time away from each other it's not going to work. If he can't trust him when he's not with you it's not going to work. If you can't 'buy' that his 22 year-old or a friend is going to factor in here or there it's not going to work.


So he left at 10:10, texted at 11:58 that he missed me, So apparently he was up an hour after he got home and wasn't that tired.


^^^Really that's what you deduced? Perhaps he wasn't sleepy yet. He said he had to get up early...part of going home early may have meant going home to unwind from the day and to possibly get some prep done for the day ahead...a load of laundry, doing something for work, or ironing a shirt.

It useless to expend the energy trying to pin down a time frame for everything that he says so that it either works as truth or supports the suspicious activity your overtime brain is concocting.

You either like the up and down element, or you have more energy than most, and enjoy parsing together timelines that will have you concocting all sorts of scenarios of what could be up with him. He may be guilty of something here (or not), but your hands aren't clean.

Something about the haphazard in this thing with him has some appeal to you. His worst was well-known for 9 months and still you slapped on the bib and pulled up a chair. If you've had enough, you sure do have a funny way of saying "No thanks, I'm full".
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Managing Political Views in Couples/Relationships
Posted: 8/6/2013 8:26:29 PM
Woman, visible minority are just two descriptors of who I am. They are not the most important things to know about me, but as they help define me, and as I'm partial to 'me', they are consequential---they matter.

Someone who is driven to support a party that denigrates people who share these descriptors, loses me before 'hello'. Actually, there's no chance of even 'hello'...not even a tiny bit. When a person's politics support disenfranchising and invoking a 2 tier system that blatantly disregards the realities of millions (who are just like me), it's a no-brainer to say 'not interested'. It would be impossible for me to find anything attractive about an individual whose politics suggest that who I am doesn't equate.

Intimate relationships are successful when one realizes in the other a degree of connectedness and experience a degree of authenticity that brings one closer to the other. For those that can gloss over the details of someone's political belief system by not looking too hard at the grainy detail, more power to you. For me, this gives me pause.

And yes, while I get that some are tepid about politics, I also see that politics drills down in infinitesimal ways we each go about in the spheres of our lives. I don't believe we are separate from our political selves and in meaningful ways we each articulate and give voice to our views by action or inaction, by support or derision, by tolerance or has someone else stated, 'incivility'. I, like many, want a more peaceful co-existence. A match with political kindred spirit is an optimistic place to start.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Boyfriend never wants to go on vacation
Posted: 8/5/2013 3:30:21 PM
Op, that lack of curiosity to travel and see the world (even a state or two away) would drive me bonkers! I could never be with someone for as long as you have who is more about staying home every single day he is not working. How you spend downtime together and what you jointly prioritize and spend money on is important. I too have dated people like this in the past...and it became an issue. At the root, most times it's been something unsaid about money and the guy not valuing the same thing.

If all other things are working well between you, and you enjoy being with him... maybe it's enough to accept and settle for his grudging and eventual accompaniment, instead of holding your breath waiting and hoping for enthusiasm.


On edit to add:

Have you thought of going on vacation with your guy and another couple that you are both friends with? It provides options for levels of involvement/activity.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Dustin Hoffman's interview
Posted: 7/10/2013 4:26:28 PM
While I get the essence of what you're saying MBL, I'd wager that in most people's day-to-day lives, a lot of us see a bunch of people that for the most part, seem about equally matched. Wouldn't you agree that's pretty hopeful observation for the masses? And while many of us get our heads turned at some stages in life by someone incredibly beautiful, isn't also true that someone else admittedly less so, can move another immeasurably by some beautiful selfless action or ways of being in such a manner, that it can transform what is seemingly is a rather plain person?

I can very much appreciate Dustin's realization of sorts on this as you've related. His world has been for decades been about being surrounded by extremely beautiful people...therefore his claim that he would have been unlikely to have met her reads absolutely realistic for 'his' world, but imo, not so much ours.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Caught in the act
Posted: 7/1/2013 5:40:09 PM
Had the 'truth' with this guy been a typical fling on the side, while upsetting, it would have been a far cry from the harsh truth of knowing that your guy is regularly sleeping with a prostitute. And if that 'episode' took 15 minutes...how many more men does that leave in that woman's working day..? And while I'm sympathetic to the women that make their living in this way, it's still widely considered reprehensible stuff to be outed as a John; it's highly unlikely that he would have confessed to this under any situation.

While I'm not one that is typically a zealot on here blathering for testing, or suggesting that spying is a normal activity that should be condoned, exceptions exist for a reason. And yes, she would have had to go down that road to know that in this particular case, this was that kind of exception.

Privacy rights don't necessarily trump an individual's personal safety. In Canada the RCMP have listed the following with respect to stalking:

"Criminal harassment, more commonly known as STALKING, is a crime. Generally it consists of repeated conduct that is carried out over a period of time and which causes you to reasonably fear for your safety or the safety of someone known to you."
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Supporting children when an Ex dies
Posted: 6/2/2013 7:31:58 AM
Carolann, first of all yes this is very sad news. And while you've been a realist...you're definitely not a "a complete ****". Secondly, accept that you all will at some point say the wrong thing at times. The stress of the situation will cause upheaval in all areas of your lives. As a realist, yes, you will be be likely tapped hard, but you can handle it. Being that rock for your kids as they work through and internalize what that this news means as the days, months and special holidays pass is not going to be a static thing. All of you will cycle in and out of varying degrees of upset for the foreseeable future. You don't just 'deal with it' and the turmoil ends.

When there is a material decline in health, it will take a bit of getting used to whatever reality presents at each stage...the losses in self-sufficiency and ability, especially for kids, is often hard because for a huge part of their young lives, they see their parents--especially their dads, as being strong.

Your practical realist sense can be very helpful to your ex by listening. Listen to what he wants to do for the immediate future, as well as the financial future of your children, and see what you can do to help him out there. Perhaps also helping him to plan (and even accompany if his physical state warrants) a special trip/experience for him with the kids.

The emotional part, the ups and downs that will likely come with your kids in particular will be draining on you, so your partner will need to step up for you; especially if your ex has no partner to help with this.

Don't be surprised if there is even a bit of wistfulness from either one of you as you go through this for 'what might have been'. Don't be surprised if there is a bit of blurring over some of those 'ex'/ 'marriage' lines. Be an active part of helping and facilitating your children to have quality time with their dad, and expect that you all will likely have to help down the road with a bit of care-taking for him. You and your kids will get through this.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Is Interest/Values Compatibility Dependent on Economic Class?
Posted: 3/18/2013 6:07:15 PM
Is it mission critical that a couple come to some sort of plateau where they largely align? Yes. Why? Because elements of class frames who we are, by constantly speaking in a myriad of ways about where we began and what we were told to value in our lives.

How embracing any individual is of differences outside of what we learned to value, also speaks to class and a parent's ability and wherewithal to provide their children with the opportunity to stretch beyond what is perceived as 'comfortable' for them, for their own good. Not everyone is brought up like that; not everyone has had the benefit of divergent experiences, that helps to paint a more colorful landscape from which to come at adult life.

The success of a relationship depends in part on a person's ability to be tolerant for diversity in thought, action and deed; truly, not everyone's forte. Class incompatibility is the kind of thing does affect and drill down to reflect our choices; what we like, what we want to spend time on, pay for and want to be around.

If you're on your own...no problem. Start to share your life and all of that becomes part of the deal of getting along. No one travels an identical trail. If you're looking for compatibility beyond the sheets...the real glue is in part the degree to which there is meshing of the cerebral, the interests, values and the ability to be tolerant, and to possess a willingness to at least tentatively explore beyond what can be limiting and self-imposed bounds.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Music for the midnight hours :)
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:06:48 PM
Assorted:

This was my first dance at my wedding: Van Morrison -
"Have I told you that I love you" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFF1wJN75Z0

Aerosmith - "I don't want to miss a thing" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73cWfFEKAfE

Fleetwood Mac - "Landslide" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3cGxlZjMWU

Requisite Canadian content ;) Shania Twain - "From this Moment" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-Lp2uC_1lg


For me R n' B hits it - some faves from a few years back...

Toni Braxton - "Breathe Again" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yzavfwaxlwk

Teddy Pendergrass Turn Off The Lights - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSrEdpW3PoM

Al Green -"Let's stay Together" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVzYxqG9N1c

Alicia Keys - "If I Ain't Got You" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ju8Hr50Ckwk

Chaka Khan - "Sweet Thing" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLdl0WkMJ6o
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Different Race, Political, Religous - Can we Make it a Match?
Posted: 2/20/2013 2:01:44 PM

A persona having diametrically opposite morals as you is more important than "do you enjoy his company, is he attractive to you." "He hates gay people, but he sure is cute!' Really?


^^^Bingo!

I have little interest in sharing a life, much less a bed with anyone who lives his life with a framework of extracting profits at the expense of people.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Different Race, Political, Religous - Can we Make it a Match?
Posted: 2/20/2013 9:18:15 AM
I guess what's running through my mind is what's your tolerance level for facing a higher-than-average amount of relationship difficulties and obstacles??

A lot of what's going to be difficult may come just because of the race thing depending on what the temperture is like on this where you live and your ability to handle that. You're best to understand what that's about in your city.

The other hazards come with understanding how partisan stuff affects each of your values on the big things and how you would be able to relate intimately with someone knowing that he may think completely unlike you on a range of things.

There is currently an interesting range of Republican 'types' under the GOP tent.

I think it's important to understand whether you're dealing with a Tea-Party type or someone who is conservative as it relates to fiscal issues and restraint---but less so about social issues; and who is generally-speaking observant of the rights for adults to live and love as they choose: meaning to stay out of the bedrooms of adults and to keep religion out of places where it doesn't belong.

The biggest factor before anything I've listed above is consider how you two get along and the type of common ground and respect you can find even in these early days while on your best behavior.

If it's not there at an early point with him...it's highly unlikely imo, that the type of relationship you're considering can weather the types of issues that are built in by your pairing.

edited
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 63 (view)
 
cant take rejection?
Posted: 2/18/2013 1:30:52 PM

Please, women, be honest. Some of us won't be offended.


^^^ Not picking on you specifically....but I beg to differ.

What if POF had functionality that would rid a lot of us of the tediousness of replying to the same unsatisfied individual...typically one who's hell bent on pressing his suitability despite, my trite, and ineffectual, 'thanks but no thanks' etc...

What if there was a system on here that created an unavoidable detailed rejection letter, more like a form that wouldn't allow a user to send an email to anyone without it generating a recipient response form?

For example: You send an email. The recipient receives your email and thinks that you seem like someone she wants to know. She uses the inescapable, must-answer, immediately generated pull down menu that your email would prompt, to send you a replay email indicating a 'positive' or 'negative' assessment of you.

If positive the recipient doesn't have to indicate why it's so, and communication can immediately continue between you both uninterrupted. That's the easy part ;)

Let's say she's not interested. Same inescapable form, different menu selection is generated. This time she has to choose one of several pointed, negative assessment 'reasons'...all rather pummeling to the average guy's self-esteem.

If you're a guy tossing out the messages with the typical 'spray and prey' mentality, could you still handle a lot of detail as to why?

Would you want to read piles of rejection letters where people who cannot escape the feedback form, have to give you decidedly pointed negatives about why they don't want to meet you? Specifics on the rejection like: 'unattractive'/unattractive and not on the same wavelength/attractive but weird/among other 'downer' choices??

Could you or most people still handle this kind of detail, that kind of volume? I'm of the mind it's not at all helpful no matter what people allege to know the specifics. The real reason is that on some level you are not attractive to that person.

Silence is golden and has all the answers when you really think about it--->If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
My girlfriend took her life
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:41:27 PM

At least once a week I get a call from a strange number from an old friend who only found out and I have to re-live everything. I know it's not my fault but just wish things were different.


^^^Ponyeyes, don't answer calls. After my father died in the summer I cut my home phone message capability, and so never have to deal with messages from people that I generally don't want to hear from telling me that they wanted to check on me, that they're praying for me...all of which I found was a continuum of reliving everything.

Yes, I get that this isn't very nice...but with a very large family, it's important. At some point I put out a feeler to my favorite aunt, one of my dad's 6 sisters and she spreads the word---this works for me. This will give you some time to deal with all of this in your own time rather than to have these repeated conversations where you are in a loop never getting past it.

Like others, I've nothing to add other than to make your steps and your thinking 'forward' as much as you are able to, and don't worry much if you slip back a bit.

If you're angry write a letter to her. There's something in doing that which can unburden some of what you're processing and going through now.

~Wishing you the very best.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Has an argument ever changed your mind?
Posted: 2/18/2013 12:15:01 PM

Logical, reasonable people don't need to argue. Logical, reasonable people discuss, they don't argue.
The whole fact that an argument is happening means somebody's not using logic and reason.
Therefore, it's useless to argue with anybody at all.

Like the old joke.... Arguing with a fool is like wrestling with a pig. You get dirty and the pig rather likes it.


^^^And there's the reality of that ;)

 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Personality over Character = Wiser or Desperate?
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:40:07 AM
Op, being open to personality and character doesn't lessen the importance of whether or I can see myself with a guy between the sheets. I can be discerning on those two traits and still want the rest of it too.

On here it's always going to be on a kind of initial superficial level that starts things, in part because of the format of this place, which operates largely as a catalog 'of possibilities'.

Someone wrote on here recently a post about dating and how ruthless it is. To which I said it's always going to be ruthless---and I make no apologies for that thought. No one is going to consider other aspects, when the first thing you want to know the first thing that's assessed is whether I like what I see.

Sure, I'm like those people you're mentioning that values character and personality. But that is not what starts the engine of interest---here.

If I had met someone offline, volunteering, in the workplace, at a function and had gotten to know a person outside of this place, outside of a dating realm, where one's character is framed and even high-lighted, that can work to pique interest and me liking them in a 'non-dating' mode. If there comes an opportunity that takes my understanding of them into a dating mode, I can see how my first understanding and valuing them for their personality and character, might morph over to me finding them attractive...but that's for 'some' people, and definitely wouldn't apply to 'most' in that situation.

On a dating site, we aren't getting to know each other through methods that expose how 'good' and how 'personable' we are. We largely start with looks and how that registers first. We also have those ideas about what we're looking for or attracted to, and articulate that. Sometimes, there are also things qualities that aren't out there on our profiles, but it's something that matches a need we have in us, and it takes us by surprise.

Being 50 I have can look back and say that I've not lessened what I'm looking for, even though the biological imperative that's a part of my life has been met and resolved. I want exactly the same things I've always wanted. Physical attributes aren't less important at all. But I do think that I can look at an older man, my age or around my age and still be attracted---very much so in fact, even more than some younger men.

I don't know really how to say this...but truthfully, the younger guys while they can be terrific specimens of males in their prime, can sometimes often leave me 'wanting' when I look at them. I've tried to think about what that's about with me, and I think it's about me be able to recognize and appreciate someone, who who while older, is still someone vital, who is attractive to me because yes, he's still somewhat fit, but who also has a kind of 'knowing confidence' of who he is....and however that plays out, he's okay with it.

That kind of thing from the right kind of guy, will often read to me as a fairly honest self-assessment that mirrors some aspect of my own thinking and my own odyssey through life.

Yes, some are mellowed, but some aren't at all squelched by life they've led. They aren't all 'used up'....there are real 'bits' and jewels left for me to find. And in that, they have almost a beacon that shows that they are still capable of being forward looking, curious and as confident as they ever were.

With those people (really a select few actually) and in those rare profiles, I can have that sense of where I may fit.

The real attraction for me, starts there.

edited~lots!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 107 (view)
 
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/18/2013 10:00:40 AM
Listening is a good thing.
Asking him to weigh in, completely different---so happy to hear that you will just allow him to debrief on his own.

Op, one thing I know about having a singleton child is that he, unlike other kids that have siblings don't have that sounding board on what Mom and Dad are talking about. And at some level you have to be able to function in part like that.

Your child will likely grow up to be more mature than his peers on some level; especially as it relates to being able to talk comfortably and articulately with adults. And while that maturity is often a bi-product of the single child, and it 'may seem' like he'd be able to understand these types of things, but he won't necessarily.

He is still a young child who won't understand a lot of what this is about except on his own level which will feel like a loss.

What you're doing and suggesting your ex do today, which is to listen to him is vital.
He'll explain his view on this and once you have some understanding, and if he's grappling with it, you can help him with those fears that he'll likely have.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, my son has lived nothing but the back and forth life between his father's house and mine his entire life. And while our relationship as parents wasn't what it is now, we kept most decisions and most of the wrangling out of his earshot. We found that for our son, that change....any change to his day-to-day life seemed to impact him more than his peers.

At some point 'change' involved us moving in with another man and his two kids; and his dad doing the same. It was clear that our living situations impacted him and it brought out a lot of conversations that he would launch on his own.

I have found that when you're parenting a singleton, that you also a lot of times are a playmate perhaps more so than parents with more than one child. It's through casual 'playing', especially scenario stuff and our nightly walks together, that my son would express 'ideas' of what he was thinking about, whether that was a thought on where he was in our family, thoughts on other families or himself in a future role he envisioned.

At one point when he was very young....about 6 or so...and we were living with my then SO and his two kids, and his dad was similarly dating a woman and had a similar blended families arrangement, our play involved some new Lincoln logs...or some sort of 'building game'. Anyway while playing with those logs, this became his opportunity to talk about what he'd like in his world...in that house.

What he said always stuck with me because I felt that this idea of his was perhaps the kind of simple, yet real wish and thoughts must be the kind of thing that runs through minds of many kids of divorce; especially those in the midst of the back and forth with these blended families.

So with this building toy...my son told me that he'd like is for us to have a house like he was building..but bigger. One that he described as "you and 'x' and C and J can live with me, and that dad and 'z' and J and D can live there too".... I told him that sounded like fun...having a barracks-like life with all the people he loved ;), but I completely got his concept and understood that wish.

It was about him not wanting to have to choose. He didn't want to have to move every week. He loved everyone. He loved both family's dogs. He wished we could all live together and see each other all the time. He didn't want to say goodbye. It was a simplistic 'child's view' of his ideal world, and I completely appreciated and validated that view in whatever way I could.

When I think of your 8 year old in this situation, it reminds me of all that and that it's not at all unlikely for your son to have something similar running through his mind.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Torn need advice
Posted: 2/16/2013 6:01:49 AM
Op take what you wish from my observations on your situation and from my experience having been in either a separated or divorced state for 20 of 21 years raising my son with my ex-husband. And yes, I too felt the lure and pangs to be elsewhere for a job and relationship, but was always mindful that I signed an agreement stating that I wouldn't move beyond 50 kms from my city, in order to ensure my son's dad had 'reasonable' access.

You acquiesced on letting Mom move once and while it might have established a precedent on a possible move to Florida, what you had established was only that you were able to be 'reasonable'. You were driving what seemed as a very commutable drive of 40 minutes each way every weekend and once during the week to maintain that connection. Had she indicated that she wanted to move to another city in PA, that wasn't as readily as accessible to your place in NJ, it's unlikely I think that you would have agreed to it. So that is to me some of the context to address the 'why' you allowed it once argument.

Further, the type of access set-up you have with your ex, with Mom having the child during school nights and you having him on weekends and seeing him on one night during the week, is what a lot of people have even while living in the same city, so it's not an arrangement that is set up just for those with long drives...it's for those who think that it's best to have the least amount of disruption during the school week for the child.

Again, this dedication and regular access every few days that you have, with a full on access schedule on weekends can't be just tossed aside...simply because you possibly seemingly 'let him go' in the past. That move unlike this planned one, was based on you looking at the situation at the time and seeing that you could indeed be 'reasonable' there. That balanced approach should and will count---but there should be limits to how much further you should be expected to go.

As divorced/split parents, my ex and I were 'together' all the way through all the way up for our son. We were actually more 'together' than many of the married 'intact' families. We jointly involved ourselves in all the parent meetings, all the school productions and musical/band endeavors, all the sporting practices and tourneys. It was always clear we were 'there'...even on our off access days and weekends. People noticed outside of our family and always commented.

You state this:

I also don't want to ruin the chance for this guy to advance in his career and make a better life for his family


I suggest it comes down to a choice of which set of 'happy families' matter most. Is it:

1.)You with your ex and your child; or 2.) your wife with your child and her new husband. I know where I'd fall on this.

Dad needs to be there. Sure the new guy is great. But he can do the commute can't he?? He can understand all this better than an 8 year-old I'd think. It's his job therefore he can be the one to give up something. Really, why does your son have to be disrupted twice?

It's not reasonable IMO, to relegate your parental relationship with your son or his relationship with his dad to behind that of your wife and her somewhat new fledgling relationship with her new husband and his new job; either of which could tank btw.

Let the new husband shoulder this in the short term and put on your 'reasonable' hat again and look at long-term. Look at how you can be a part of making this decision into a positive thing for you all. If you're in golf, you likely would have opportunities there. Can you start scouting out opportunities for a move within 6 months or so?

I have an industry acquaintance that has divorced and remarried a man in Florida all within the last two or so years. She shares joint access of her 8 - 12 year old children with her ex. On those weekends when she doesn't have access, she goes to Florida. The children's lives are maintained and disruption is at a minimum for them. They live with Mom and Dad in a border city in Canada; she lives her new married life half in Florida and part of the time up here. She loves it---it works for them, and beyond that, 'all the adults involved', have made the children's lives a priority and stable, by being reasonable and shouldering all the travel around them.

----You don't get do-overs on this Op and it goes so very quickly. You don't want to miss all that, do you?

edited~
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Value and balance of power
Posted: 2/12/2013 1:13:38 PM

Have you ever been in a relationship which you felt you were somehow undeserving of your partner?
Perhaps out of guilt for something you did wrong, financial status, insecurity(low self esteem, unconfident, or generally not loving yourself), physical attractiveness, social activity, etc


^^^No...not for wealth or financial status...some of that life I had some familiarity with. I think the part that resonates is 'not loving yourself' (enough).

I wasn't always as confident in myself and that translated into some sparring with bfs as I worked through it---'lucky them' ;). I have a very good sense of who I am, now. I won't ever be all things to everyone and it's satisfying beyond belief to not feel that I'd ever have to.


So my advice to anyone in this type of predicament is to shut up and deal with it. If someone is with you and they have more than you, so what? You better realise that whomever you're with they're with you because they want to be not because they have to be.


^^^That's so true. People with that kind of 'more', aren't necessarily looking for that type of equivalency in their mates. They're looking for the same 'basics' as everyone else out there--someone they get along with; someone that they can love and who loves them back.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 34 (view)
 
The Lost Art of Dating
Posted: 2/12/2013 12:32:53 PM

10 years ago, people tended to date someone, take some time to get to know them, and then decide whether or not they want a relationship, today, dating is such a disposable commodity that most people tend to have another date lined up for later that week, or sometimes even later that day.


^^^And Rockstar you know this how exactly? Ten years ago weren't you 20 years-old??

You've got the same bent in practically every thread re dating.

You are getting the result you're getting because of what 'you' are doing on here and your expectations---not because of some widespread change being expressed by every woman out there.

10 years ago....I was an adult dating for decades.
10 years ago you might have been just past crying in your cornflakes over some girl at your folk's kitchen table.

I remember what dating was like back then.
I never wanted perfection in dating; couldn't guarantee, offer or sustain if for myself so why would I demand it for anyone I've dated??

Yes some want perfection, but honestly people just want someone who they are attracted to, who likes them and accepts them as they are.

I never went for the 'pretty boy' or 'the millionaire'. What all the men I date have in common is this: they're among the brightest and wittiest men I know; they crack me up and make me always want to know more about them; we have some great conversations....

Physically they're mostly all quite tall, and have the kind of physicality and musculature that turns my crank. I would never classify any of them as a classic '10', with widespread appeal, as I don't believe any of them would me.

For 30 you are already quite 'singed' around the edges from your own dating experiences....and while it's too bad, it's not anyone else's fault that you've been rejected. It's the price you have to pay to play, without the constant whine.

EDITED
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 33 (view)
 
The Lost Art of Dating
Posted: 2/12/2013 12:30:27 PM
oops double post.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Ron Paul's Revenge
Posted: 2/12/2013 11:06:55 AM
^^^Read some of the article as I missed news on this. Surprising---most conservatives spend a considerable amount of time dissing the UN and the Admin's role with it, but now when he wants something....this is organization to weigh in this??

I may be wrong about this...but wouldn't there be another organization that he could appeal to within the States?

With the President's win, it's clear that everyone is finally seeing the light on what an effective ground game operation is online and the value of that.

But seriously who would have thought that RP org wouldn't have established a firmly held URL when setting up shop from the get-go??

It's clear that if the GOP/TP want to have any of the traction in utilizing their membership and website as effectively as the President has, they despite bleating on that they are grassroots...need to fund hiring tech savvy consultants and a legal team that can secure their assets to address some of this basic stuff.

Hard to believe that they did not own their domain or would use a domain they didn't own.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Sweating the Small stuff and realizing it was your fault..but too late
Posted: 2/12/2013 5:46:30 AM

I don't sweat...I glisten.


^^^Nice!

I have been guilty of 'sweating the small stuff'...but as a defense mechanism, I've also glommed onto the thought that 'it's all small stuff' in the end...;)

I notice fine details, have a good memory, am good at reading people and am tenacious. Now each each of these things as traits on their own are good, even great, but sometimes....like a perfect storm, it can lead to a kind of hyper-focusing on something, that repeatedly pesters you.

What snaps me out of it and the long rabbit hole ahead? Often my 21 year old son and his brash, unvarnished viewpoint...or someone like him, meaning in my case, often a male viewpoint....an instant re-calibrator.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
On and off relationship
Posted: 2/12/2013 5:17:39 AM
Op is it online dating as a method you don't want or is it 'dating' you don't want?? "Online dating" doesn't exist. You cannot date someone 'online'. You meet online. You date offline. So is it dating that's not for you, or is it trying to connect via a site like this?

I have a feeling that you are not sold on the idea of dating. Both of you are okay with a 'barely alive' liaison. If he were in to more with you, he'd offer up more by now. It's been 4 years.

Having a busy career and raising a child is not at all uncommon---it's impossible to use it as an excuse. There are people that have more jobs, more kids who still find time to date. Further, there are so many ways to meet people especially in kid-related settings were other single parents are also hovering around; these are the very types who will understand and can accommodate a hectic schedule, because they are likely living it too.

You're settling for something with this guy that's keeping you both from effectively having a full on relationship for whatever reason, because it's on some level what you want. After 4 years, of minimal to zero communication, why would you at all be 'wondering' where it's going...it's going nowhere. If you want it to change, move away from this lingering pre-oocupation that this quasi-relationship with this fella is the place to mine; find new ground.
 Sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
An American or Canadian pope?
Posted: 2/11/2013 2:11:43 PM

That said, I do enjoy the irony of the whole thing.

The pope quitting just before Easter because he does not feel well. Jesus surely is impressed, and you go to think that the getting into Heaven deal may now also be in jeopardy and zero chance of sainthood.

^^^Something to this effect was playing through my head this morning when news of this was breaking.

Pope John Paul practically had no ability to walk, stand, and was barely understood, yet it endeared him even more to the masses.

Something seems a bit weird--practically no notice, breaking a 600+ years-old tradition of going down within the papacy, refusing to show that dedication above all else--especially above of earthly concerns, and not seemingly showing the kind of leadership in sacrifice we've all come to expect.

----When I think of the Catholic Church and Canada....my mind always goes to the lasting 'taint' of those residential schools and the horrible legacy that's played out for the Church with decades of abuse of young children. Might not get the easy support some would like.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Will they really say anything?
Posted: 2/10/2013 11:21:58 AM
Op your story had all the earmarks of being something sweet from the start...a shy perhaps nerdy guy working up the courage over several weeks or so to finally ask you, 'the hot woman he's been dreaming about', out. Even admitting how he worked up the courage, mentioned and pointed you out to his boss...and then it all goes downhill in a hurry.

Enter all the wrong 'suggestive hooks' from his repertoire or 'tickle trunk' of how to entice a woman and the misleading euphemisms.

Perhaps he's following people on his FB who are having these types of conversations....and he decided to 'adopt' some of that? Perhaps he's watching too much porn---or worse following bad advice from someone who doesn't have a clue.

It all doesn't add up to me either...I can see you questioning what's happening.

Is it possible that he really doesn't just want to get laid?


^^^^Yes it's possible.

Why don't you meet him in the coffee line next time and suggest, "Hey, let's start this over---perhaps I did misread you". Give him a chance over a coffee to make another attempt at meeting your idea of the type of friendship that you envision, one which may or may not involve sex.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
How do you battle your own insecurities in new relationships?
Posted: 2/10/2013 10:52:05 AM
Op I think there's a new addiction out there called 'immediacy'.

It seems if you're the type that's living large through technology...and are known to jump to every ping, beep or notification, you're laying yourself open to the wounds of not have that immediacy returned, and will turn on the self validation tapes, that only produce angst.

If you live your life totally invested in technology and immediacy it stands to reason you're set to die a thousand deaths by the lowly, 'unresponded to 'ping'...So take a step back from all that.


Turn your text messaging off. Delete your Facebook account. Go back to the old days.


^^^I'm sooo with you.

When I moved this summer I got rid of my 'voice messaging' on my home phone ----yeah...I said "home phone", I know I could get the 'one number' deal but I want that 'out'. I don't want to be 'reachable' all the time to everyone.

I want to be able to say honestly, "I didn't get your message" or "I didn't know you called."

The people I need to connect with can always reach me....but I don't want everyone to; neither do I want to be so on that hook that a nano second of delay causes 'anxiety', or that my 'texting habit's and response rate' is a huge topic of concern that is 'tracked and analyzed'.


Has anyone dealt with this, and how do you combat the feelings?

^^^Yes--I have dealt with insecurity in dating.

I find that meeting and having a few concurrent dates when I'm looking to date and find a relationship, keeps the tendency for me to go 'overboard' on feelings too soon for one man, as a good way to keep things measured from the start.

For people who tend to have insecurities, they like me, also tend to have the overly quick emotional bonding mindset too. Having the involvement move a bit slower, lets you feel like you're more in control rather than the other way around. Just know, you're susceptible to over-thinking things and causing yourself undue upset early in relationships if you're not with a guy who meets your exact level of connection and engagement on this.

On some level your processing something negative that happened with another relationship; attributing a current guy's lack of immediacy, lack of response as to 'signs' of what resulted in some sort of break up with that other guy.

I think if you start off less 'headlong' into it...and more measured, you'll catch up emotionally after you're seeing enough of how this guy is with you to feel like you don't have to second guess his level of interest.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Dating... a game for the ruthless?
Posted: 2/10/2013 10:17:48 AM
Dating is a ruthless game - nothing has changed on that front. You proffer up yourself up with no guarantees for success, and live with the results. That's the way it always is.

I take exception with your 'multi-dating' comment (not sure about your use of the term here) that "many seem to be happy with the concept of pursuing someone even if they're already in a a relationship".

I've read thousands of threads here over the years and what appears to be a constant is that there are very few people sanction someone else pursuing someone that's currently in a relationship.

Are there a few forumite types that have zero boundaries who spout off on POF about the right to do this or that....yes; but they are outnumbered by the sensible types that understand boundaries, who don't believe that at all.

Most of your dating contacts will likely think similarly.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Valentines day date meeting
Posted: 2/10/2013 9:00:14 AM

Look at you, thinking ahead and stuff. You prolly know. Pay no attention to that bed over there, they always put those in hotel rooms.


^^^Haha....too funny!

Look Op, 45 minutes isn't a two-hour drive back. There's no way to gloss over what this looks like...
Play it how you want --but to me it's a complete and utter turn off. Talk about over-reaching.

On edit to add:

vvvv---I didn't clearly read that he ran it by her.

That said, if she's still willing to meet having heard the 'the annual St. Valentine's itinerary' she must be on some level okay with it.

---Nothing wrong about a romantic interludes Stub....would be open to it with someone I at least 'knew', especially because I'm not looking for a hook up; otherwise it reads to me as I mentioned above.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Dating Under 23, Any Thoughts?
Posted: 2/10/2013 8:49:43 AM
Generally speaking I think you're right. When you're at your age and bit older, you have many other really accessible contact points. If you've got some sort of social anxiety though and feel that your younger dating experience in high school wasn't as productive, perhaps there's an advantage to a place like POF where you can articulate and get the kind of face time that the structure of this place provides.

And even if that latter part of my post is the case for some people your age, I'd still make real efforts off-line. Also there are some new apps that I think younger people could use on their phones that would replicate a bit more of the 'immediate' meet/connections than POF.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Help - what do you think happened?
Posted: 2/10/2013 8:13:39 AM
Op, I think that the scenarios expressed by others, with the exception of alien abduction are all valid.

I would suggest that next time, 'meet', not date earlier.

You're feeling very let down because you've invested and spent a lot of time.

From my own experience 2 -3 emails, a call or two (or a quick skype or two)---is enough before a meet.

Keep the investment in long 'hours-long' conversations till after you've met and are getting to know each other between dates. I do this because some people like to date a few people at a time.

It helps to understand if the guy you're interested in is one of those. I'm one of those, and I tell everyone when I'm starting to date that I'm meeting/dating a few people. The minute I feel that I want it to become serious with one, I shut it down with everyone else, quickly.

Like the post above, I agree you're very unlikely to know why he did this without him coming clean.

He's hiding something and those choices will boil down to: he's not as interested in you as he's previously let on and doesn't know how to stop it 'nicely'; has someone else already in his life; has someone else that's he's just starting to connect to, with whom he sees something developing; has some sort of social or dating anxiety. I would run through the likelihood of those scenarios, before thinking that he's suffered something calamitous.
 
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