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 Author Thread: In bed...
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 41 (view)
 
In bed...
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:01:35 PM

Had Chinese last night, I got two fortunes in one cookie, does that mean they'll both come true, or does it mean they negate each other?

1. Your love life will soon be happy and harmonious......IN BED. (from your lips to God's ears!! lol)

2. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there....IN BED.

Obviously I like the first one better! LOL


O should of quoted this post in my comment above this post
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 40 (view)
 
In bed...
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:57:05 AM
I don't know getting run over in bed sounds kind of interesting too.
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Rimshots (authors)
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:53:11 AM
Home Alone IV
by Eddie Buddyhome

Neither a Borrower
by Nora Lender Bee

The Scent of a Man
by Jim Nasium

Is He Guilty?
by Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses
by Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation
by Francis Crowded

# Fallen Underwear
by Lucy Lastic

House Construction
by Bill Jerome Home

Yellow River
by Iam Ping

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast
by Kareem O' Wheat

Why Cars Stop
by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows
by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger
by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing
by Andover Hand

It's Springtime!
by Theresa Green

No!
by Kurt Reply

And Shut Up!
by Sid Downe
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Rimshots (authors)
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:49:36 AM
I Lived in Detroit
by Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please
by Arthur Itis

Handel's Messiah
by Ollie Luyah

Downpour!
by Wayne Dwops

Cloning
by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring
by Lynn O'Leum

Holmes Does it Again
by Scott Linyard
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Rimshots (authors)
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:48:21 AM
The French Chef
by Sue Flay

Tight Situation
by Leah Tard

Unemployed
by Anita Job

Off to Market
by Tobias A. Pigg
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Rimshots (authors)
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:46:46 AM
Sex on the Beach by Sandy Shortz
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Rimshots (authors)
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:44:11 AM
Glass Bikini by Seymore Skynn
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 32 (view)
 
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
Posted: 6/6/2008 6:54:40 AM
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for stating your opinion. I actually agree with many of the points you made. You were also cordial enough to state that the OP was just posting a joke. We can laugh at most of it but I have to agree that some of the remarks towards women were slightly offensive.

Does that mean that neither you or I have a sense of humor. Not at all. I laugh all the time and as I stated a lot of this post was funny. Being funny and considering some editing is not always a bad idea.

love,
gentle11
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Top 10 Things That Made Me Click **NEXT** When I Was Using Dating Sites
Posted: 1/11/2008 2:23:05 PM
People who make lists of what they don't like. Keep it to yourself and learn how to be a gentlemen or a lady. Only one thing makes me cringe people who feel a need to critisize other. Sorry I hate it. I don't find it at all funny to make fun of others. Here's one about taking the time to get to know them and judge them by the strength and fibre of their character.
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Now with even lower standards!
Posted: 1/11/2008 2:16:42 PM
I think it is funny and creative. Add yourself to the list of he who took it the wrong way. I do that sometime but I think it was all in fun. Cheers!
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
very true
Posted: 1/11/2008 1:47:48 PM
correction made a typo*there
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
very true
Posted: 1/11/2008 1:30:50 PM
It was funny, you did great not to worry people are just joking back. Excellent Post don't give up! Another good line "is their and eraser on the end of that thing?"
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Huckabee Vice Presidential Annouincement
Posted: 1/8/2008 3:46:27 AM
I am sure since the Bible says we were made in his image that Jesus would have a sense of humor. I could see how this would be offensive to some. It is however creative and well done. I think though we have to wether we like it it or not be concious of peoples sensitivities.
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 73 (view)
 
HOW TO SPEAK
Posted: 11/28/2007 10:23:20 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL A$$' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR
CLEAVAGE.'
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
I HAVE ONLY LOVE IN MY HEART
Posted: 11/27/2007 3:56:33 PM
WITH RESOLVE

HER!

MY emotions for her were intense
...I swear some days the moon
not the sun did set.

Often stayed up and played,
and on the rise,
it was Mars I saw.

She filled me like
a hope chest overflowing
with a cornucopia of dreams
unimagined past or present.
Filled me with an infinite number
of words and images still unthought-of.

She was the blooms
that through concrete grew,
their perfume,
their peacock plumage,
the promise they whispered,
in a jungle of molten tar.

The world needs flowers.

she was the color, the fragrance
the crystal tears of passion
that painted my cheeks

I loved her
with an extreme
that was nuclear!

The Falls of Africa

in their entire splendor,

fell short,

their explosive nature

a whimper.

Her lips touched mine
as if atoms had split
her skin was my skin
my flesh? her putty, to mold,
together we sank into an abyss of
peaceful pleasure,
a concert, a single note of harmony!

I was in a trance, I was in a state of frenzy.
Under a blanket of dark,
Hell shaped like a heart, bright red!
Walking through the impossible
a hot knife through bread.

The Greek Gods
with their boundless strength
watched in awe,
as I wore,
piercing of bone,
ring of Earth,
and necklace of angels,
like so much jewelry!

We are a collage of exquisiteness
the people, the creatures,
the multitude of life small and large.
We are a million bold backgrounds
Real and built,
watercolors, photographs
albums,and collections of artwork.
The words, the visions, neatly saved on
the hard drives of our lives,
Our Globe and all its delicacies!

Her
My world,
simply
Her
a peach,
Her
juices singing
a melody
gently,
Her
cooling my
burning hot
flesh
gently,
Her
trickled
out my
lips,
on my chin
Her
smeared my flesh
the taste of
Her.

Now gone,
I thank the heavens
for a fleeting second
a brief moment
Always cherish
Never regret,

HER!

written by
armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Jane ad Arlene
Posted: 11/21/2007 2:19:18 PM
That is very funny!
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:23:40 PM
Six, but I was aware of the of theory. So now I look for them and count them. I guess that means I'm not a genius. Damn!!!!
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 72 (view)
 
DOUBLE MEANING
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:17:31 AM
A clinical nursing instructor was rapidly losing patience with one of her students. Finally she gave her a simple task that she couldn't screw up, or so she thought, and, just in case, went to check up on her a few minutes later, as soon as she returned from a short break. As soon as she got off the elevator, she saw the patient she had sent her student to care for running full-tilt down the hallway with a look of sheer terror on his face. Momentarily the reason for his alarm became apparent as the student came running down the hall carrying a pan of hot water. The instructor instantly surmised what had transpired.

"Stop!" she called out, "I told you to prick his boil!"
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Good Service
Posted: 11/18/2007 1:54:14 PM
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that colonoscopy."
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 24 (view)
 
AN OLIVE BRANCH FOR ALL TO SHARE
Posted: 11/17/2007 3:05:13 PM
ON FRIENDSHIP

After all the dirt has been dug. All the lies organized and filed. Once the hurt ceases.

In the end they were only words. Surely hearts and souls, flesh and fiber, bones and muscle, blood and water...people are more important than concepts.

I raise a glass of hope that friendship rare survives the pettiness of frightened children. In hope that substance is more important than the roles we involuntarily play.

I present:

THE SUNFLOWER

From all the love we shared,

among all the debris,

and the well chosen words

conjured from a lifetime of hurt,

but never meant.

maybe just maybe,

a grain of hope

still lives.

From all the love we shared,

find even a single seed

survived,

one we can plant.

In a thimble perhaps,

use a single tear of joy,

to

Water,

a singular sincere smile,

to

Nurture,

a solid pinkie hug

to

Protect,

a drop of love,

to

Feed.

Then repeatedly

re-pot,

time after time.

If we were both

willing to try

Maybe just maybe

A Sunflower will grow

Shower us with bright

And a friendship,

strong and unbending

will bloom,

where once

there was only parched

and dried out earth

where once

there were only weeds,

and poisoned stems.

If we both were

willing to try

Maybe just maybe.

Love,
armand
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
HERE AND THERE
Posted: 11/17/2007 3:02:58 PM
YOU FEEL HER NEED.

Love is a slut at the corner of Here and There.

You wanted to pay and leave.

As you are f=cking her it feels like love to her and she cries

You are kissing her and stroking her hair and starring in her eyes and you just hold her because you feel her need.

So she opens up and you hold her tight and you just listen.

She touches your heart and she is beautiful and she is 22 and you are 35.

You pray God will save her.

She sees you as a White Knight but you know you're just a piece of sh*t male getting some on the side behind your girlfriend's back.

Love cost one hundred and fifty bucks but it's not two dogs hu.mping in the park.

At least that is what you thought.

But one day you are 53 years old and you think of your one hour bought woman.

It is twenty years later and you still remember her.

She is still on your palette; you can still relive every sense that was her. You remember every second, and you wonder...

Maybe sometimes love is two cats, screeching like the sound of an Arabian mother wailing over the death of her son.

Maybe love doesn't last three hundred and sixty five pages like in a red and gold leather bound romance novel.

Maybe love isn't romance from the first frame to the closing credits, with a beginning a middle and an end.

Maybe love is a 60 minute love affair with a woman you met at Here and There twenty years ago.

Safe and sound, written and produced, neatly tucked in the back vinyl grooves on the highway between your heart and your brain.

armand
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 66 (view)
 
CONFUSCIOUS
Posted: 11/17/2007 2:58:08 PM
I grew up with the belief that Confucius was a brilliant philosopher. Well guess again. If anyone knows what the hell he is saying can you please explain it to me. Just choose which ever quote you understand and explain it. PLEASE? Especially the ones that say WHAT THE FU...?

WHAT THE FU.. IS HE SAYING?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
- Confucius

Thanks for clearing that up.

***
A man who does not plan long ahead will find trouble right at his door.
- Confucius

Not true you can plan all you want Jehovah's Witness show up every week regardless.

***
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
- Confucius

Finally something I agree with. Don't just shoot him shoot his brother too.

***
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
- Confucius

Another one I agree with, hand over the diamond. Two in a row, we're on a roll

***
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
- Confucius

Is 'bitterest' a word?

***
Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
- Confucius

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK...WHAT THE FU...?

***

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.
- Confucius

He's talking about foreplay, right?

***
Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.
- Confucius

Then what the fu.. am I going to do with it.

***
Do not use a cannon to kill a mosquito.
- Confucius

Ok who would of thought that Confucius had gone quail hunting with Vice President Cheney. He's probably still picking led out of his ass.

***
Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
- Confucius

He means like spiders and snakes and roaches floating in your soup. I think he's going to have some problems selling this one and I didn't even mention John Lovett.

***
Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.
- Confucius

True, their usually associated with hookers!

***
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
- Confucius

Is 'kindnesses' a word? I don't even care anymore. Who would love to wring his neck hands up? Settle down Jackie Chan I was just kidding.

***
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
- Confucius

That's why OJ has no friends left. How do you equal that trick.

***

He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place and all the stars turn towards it.
- Confucius

VIRTUE...NORTH...POLAR...STAR...WHAT THE FU...? exercises? what now?

***
He who learns but does not think, is lost He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.
- Confucius

He who speaks but doesn't say shit is now six feet under.

***
He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.
- Confucius

Oh yeah say that to Shaq face to face!

***
He who will not economize will have to agonize.
- Confucius

Take less Tylenols with codeine or make sure to take a stool softener.

***
He with whom neither slander that gradually soaks into the mind, nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are successful may be called intelligent indeed.
- Confucius

OK IS IT ME OR IS IT HIM IT'S HIM RIGHT?

***
I do not want a friend Who smiles when I smile Who weeps when I weep For my shadow in the pool Can do better than that.
- Confucius

Can I trade you my friends for your shadow?

***
I have not seen a person who loved virtue, or one who hated what was not virtuous. He who loved virtue would esteem nothing above it.
- Confucius

CAN YOU SAY (*FINGER TO LIPS UP AND DOWN) BABABABABABA?

***
If a man remembers what is right at the sign of profit, is ready to lay down his life in the face of danger, and does not forget sentiments he has repeated all his life when he has been in straitened circumstances for a long time, he may be said to be a complete man.
- Confucius

...and eligible for welfare.

***
If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.
- Confucius

I think he is saying, if your girlfriend is out of town masturbate!
***
If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.
- Confucius

Ok what the f... do you do when you're walking in a crowd?
***
Humankind differs from the animals only by a little, and most people throw that away.
- Confucius

I think the prick is saying where no better then rats.
***
I am not one who was born in the possession of knowledge I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.
- Confucius

OK SO HE ADMITS HE'S AN OLD FOOL SEE WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IT'S HIM!
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 65 (view)
 
MY LADY FRIEND'S OPINION
Posted: 11/16/2007 2:26:31 AM
Maxine's Words of Wisdom


"Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

"Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."


"Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."


"The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."


"Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."


"Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 64 (view)
 
IN THE NEWS
Posted: 11/15/2007 7:30:10 AM
New Study

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
AN HONOR
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:26:54 PM
OF ALL THE MONOLOGUES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN CHOSEN I AM PROUD THAT A MONOLOGUE I WROTE AT THE AGE OF 15 AND PUBLISHED AT THE AGE OF 19 WAS CHOSEN AS ONE OF THREE FOR THE EASTWOOD DRAMA PROGRAM. I AM SHARING THIS HONOR WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS HERE. PLEASE EXCUSE MY BRIEF MOMENT OF PRIDE WHILE I GIVE MYSELF A PAT ON THE BACK.

BELOW IS HOW THE WEB PAGE THAT WAS POSTED BY THE EASTWOOD DRAMA PROGRAM APPEARED!

Students come to the audition with varying degrees of talent, potential, and ability. However, in Eastwood’s drama program, it is critical that students have the interpersonal skills necessary to work in a company.



If you are auditioning for Grade 10 also prepare a 30 line soliloquy from

any Shakespearean play (not co-authored).

If you are auditioning for Grade 11 also prepare a 30 line Shakespearean monologue

and a 20 line monologue from any restoration comedy play.



Monologue #1 - DRAMATIC ARTS



The XXXX-XXX Speech

from XX be XXXXXX Armand XXXXXXX


So they wanted to send me to a special school see, ‘cause I didn’t understand like them other kids. I mean they were smart, real smart. It wasn’t that I was retarded or nothing like that, I was just slower at learning than they were but I didn’t want to go to a special school.

So I begged the principal of the school, you know, to let me stay. And I promised to work harder. I mean I really begged. I’m no idiot, I said. I mean can’t you tell? Yeah, sure my English is bad, but not that bad. I’m no moron! I got just as many thoughts as them other kids. I just can’t say them as well.

Yeah, I begged all right. But he wasn’t goin’ to change his mind...

Well, I didn’t go to that special school. No sir. I had too much pride for that. No sir. And now I’m glad I’m not going to that school no more ‘cause, you see, them other kids was always making fun of me. They thought I didn’t know, but I knew.

When I was younger I used to go home and I would cry, cursing God for not making me as smart as the others. But I don’t cry no more and I don’t curse God neither because now I know something them other kids might never find out.

This is probably goin’ to sound stupid, but fancy words and fancy thoughts, those don’t mean a thing ‘cause them kids and those teachers, they’re sinners. They think so much tryin’ to explain this and that, they’ve forgotten all about the feeling of love.

Yeah, that’s about the fanciest word I know. Love! And now I don’t feel sorry for myself no more, I feel sorry for them other kids and I wish I could help them. But you see I was slow in learning about school but they are slow in learning about love.

(chuckles.) Hey, you know, maybe we should send them to a special school.
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23 (view)
 
LET THE BEAUTY IN MY SOUL SPEAK FOR ME
Posted: 11/14/2007 11:59:33 AM
LIVE

Memories are cherries.
you are the tree,
be fruitful.

Fly a kite with anyone.
Stare into you lovers eyes.
Find a star covered night.

Sleep with your toes naked to the wind.
Compliment a teenager, enjoy their smile.
Spread rose petals inside your house.

Hold hands and savor the touch.
Dance on the head of a pin.
Finger paint on someone’s back.

Act silly around a friend you grew up with, one you trust.
Laugh by yourself in an empty field that runs for miles.
Listen to the sound of the wheels on the bicycle you ride.

Write a poem about the love of life.
Softly touch every part of a body you'd rather hug.
Imagine the smell of fresh mountain air.

Yell from a peak, answer the echo
of your own voice.
Swim a lake,
build a pond in your yard.

Take all the time your senses need.
The time to smell spring,
The time to listen to summer,
The time to see autumn.
The time to feel winter.
Take all the time to breathe in the world.

Forgive a dirty deed.
Learn to be color blind.
Shed a tear in the rain.
Share a special treat.

Ignore man made borders.
Hold to a value you always held dear.
Respect the generation behind you.
Respect the generation ahead of you.

Stop whatever you are doing,
Answer any and all questions,
from a youth,
from a child,
from a toddler,
from an infant.

Plant a seed.
Feed a tree.
Give it room to grow.
Eat a cherry.
Treasure your memories.

love,
armand
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 14 (view)
 
WHEN WE FIRST MEET
Posted: 11/13/2007 8:29:33 AM
THE RHYTHM OF MY HEART

(dissected from one of the many
plays I have written)

John: What's wrong with you today,someone die?

Brian: No! It's Francine.

Yesterday I went home for lunch, I never go home for lunch.

When I got to our apartment I don't know why but I didn't reach for my key. Francine was at work and I always leave last in the morning.I was sure I had locked the door but I didn't reach for my key. I reached for the door knob and turned. The door was open.

The moment I entered I knew, I could feel it, I could smell it, Hell I could taste it.I started walking but my muscles wouldn't move, I could barely breathe, leave I told myself but I kept walking, I was walking to the beating of the rhythm of my heart.

Not really walking, it was like moving through mud, like a slow motion scene in a movie. But this wasn't a movie. This was my life and I could feel it slipping away from my grasp.

I heard noises!

I had heard that noise a hundred times before, I use to love that sound. Francine. But know it traveled through the muck in the air like the sound from a distorted speaker. It mocked me.

I reached our bedroom and there they were.I knew, I knew the moment I entered the apartment why hadn't I turned back. I could barely see, my eyes were blurry, but I knew I had never seen him.

You'd think I would be mad,I wasn't.

You'd think I'd curse and call her whore,she wasn't.

She was just sharing her body like I had done countless times before.

That was so different it felt so harmless this hacked and tore away at my spirit at my self worth.

I spoke I mean my lips moved and words came out...I think. I think I said,I'm not sure it all happened so fast,she never spoke. I could see the shame on her face she didn't need to speak, but I think I said 'Sorry,...I said Sorry and I left.

I walked for what seemed hours it was minutes ,and It was strange it wasn't like I was walking to a different drummer, there just wasn't any music anymore.

I walked till I couldn't walk any more and went back to the apartment,she was gone she had left a note it said Sorry...

...we both were.

John: I don't believe you!

Brian: What do you mean?

John: I know Francine. She caught you in bed with that girl from the donught shop didn't she?

Brian: Yeah okay, guilty as charged. What do you think of the monologue though I wrote it last night.

John: You slay me. Yeah sure great monologue. Have you ever thought of having it removed?

Brian: (confused) The monologue????

John: No your di.ck. Have you ever thought of having it removed? (laughs)

writen by

armand
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 22 (view)
 
A COLD DAY IN HELL
Posted: 11/13/2007 8:22:00 AM
ANGEL WINGS

Her insecurity would not let her see
I wanted her. I thought she knew,
I opened my heart. I never asked.
She walked on a thread, fourteen stories high
to cross from her building to mine

The devil at her side, he cut her angel wings,
watched her drop, caught her in his wicked trap
She was weak from years of abuse,
I heard her beg. Answer me, she said.
Promise me this she said to him
What I sign affects me and only me.

The devil answered I promise
No he did not lie but still for her
It was Goodbye,
she signed it blind in her blood red
his was black

It was me she had dealt for afraid to believe
Scared to accept what she knew, what she felt
Her sense of trust for anyone long ago expired!
She needed it signed in blood

The man with the black blood ignored me!
But I felt him; his chill was in the air
Punished to live forever cold
Even in his pit of endless fire.
My misery of doubt is at an end!
She said.
He lowered his head in shame
That too was his curse, he still felt remorse
No matter how briefly

She had to have me unconditionally.
If only she had known, she already owned me.
Her depth and strength impresses me
Yet I know she is no longer, a person of the planet.

She could not stop what she had started.
She signed in blood, signed to guarantee
she would never again be alone, without love!

I knew he was at our wedding,
I heard the chatter of his teeth.
When I said I do
It was Lucifer who stood there
Him who heard my truth
Without changing a thing,
His contract he fulfilled.

I could only smile
How cold he is, the pain he sustains
For the decision he had made,
When he left heavens gate

She hugged him on his way out
I believe now, as I did then, and always will
That for a brief moment, his teeth stopped
For just seconds while in her arms
He felt warm, I wonder what he thought.

Let the celebration begin she owns me,
It's off to our room To be alone and in bed
In what we did, we felt as if we were walking
innocently along a beach on the Caribbean Sea
I am the town she grew up in, her friend and
her partner. And yes I am her lover.

For that her sole she traded
She had her man but not herself
I know in a house of two I live alone
Her hollow shell echoes the sound of death

My soul she saved, my human form hers
Her kindness I return in something I know

Though still in my youth
my card would fall early from the deck
Yes he knew it too my time was short.

I have only ten short years left
I held my wife all that time, made with her
Children from paradise!

He could not strike a deal
in which he did not cheat. He thought,
ten short years was for him a good deal.

The final laugh is mine, with my Angel on my side
I strike a deal, trade my soul for my wife’s.
The devil acts unattached. I beat him.
He'll feel colder now, that's the deal.
His warmth he seeks, in any soul he can deceive
Now her soul he'll never have. It is I who wins.
I who is eternally damned.

In my death my love, a woman of substance
knows how dearly I worshiped her.
Knows her true worth.

She will live into her 90's
Happy in the knowledge,
that she was loved for who she was,
that we were always one.

At my funeral she thanks God!
She smiles. She is giddy.

My Angel through my coffin explains to me
No soul is dammed,
When an act is selfless
My wife and I will meet again!

And so our story ends,
but not before we hear a sound,
the echo of teeth that chatter.
Chatter louder than ever.

Yes,
it is
a cold
day
in
Hell!

by,
armand
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
WHEN WE FIRST MEET
Posted: 11/12/2007 4:43:45 AM
I am the luckiest man on Earth.

She is hot scones dripping in thick cream, your first kiss, the color that fills in the black and white; she is the top of the mountain. Her eyes smother my senses. Slowly I touch myself, imagining the touch of her hot flesh searing mine. I gasp out loud.

I am hard and erect, and sized to perfection. I recreate her touch. Her thick blond hair sways back and forth feathering my penis. I wrap my hand tightly around my circumcised member and start with slow even strokes. Her breasts are large and round, with thick, large, nipples. I'm pulling myself with my right hand while my left hand tickles my balls. Oh god...shit, OH GOD! I'm stroking my c*ck lightly but quickly.

I am licking her dripping wet pus*y. She is as fresh as morning dew. I wish I was inside her. She feels like a mink coat in there. The best I've ever had. I am stroking myself fast with a firm grip, massaging my balls. If I could I would be sucking myself. Playing with the head I work myself into frenzy. I am gasping uttering four letter words. I want to bite her round firm ass. My di*k is throbbing; I am stroking myself hard, long, and fast. Suddenly, I yell her name out like a banshee as I blast out a pint of hot thick white cream.

She is still fast asleep. After a late night at work, a nine point five on the Richter scale wouldn't wake her up. Mine must have been at least a seven, I doubt they recorded it. Fifteen years my wife and she is still my fantasy. I cuddle in to her as I drift into sleep. I am the luckiest man on Earth.
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 60 (view)
 
DOC MY BROTHER'S CRAZY
Posted: 11/12/2007 4:29:28 AM
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
NOW I DREAM ALONE
Posted: 11/12/2007 4:12:31 AM
This Too Will Pass

Now that you are gone,
Who will wake every morn?
To lift the sun,
unveil the sky,
etch in the clouds,
Who will paint the rainbow?

Now that we are no longer one
and US is just a word,
who will wind up the metal toys.
cut out the paper dolls,
who will mold the shapeless plasticine.

You left, and the outside
is black and white.
There are no longer any waves,
Silenced,
is the the music of the ocean roar.
Fouled,
is the scent of the sweet meandering winds.
When you left,
you swept the beach from under my feet.

Now, I dream alone,
the bitter touch of loneliness,
weighs heavy around my hope
brands me with a tattoo of desperate need.
So for now in my darkness I mourn your love
that once had breath,
a love chocked to death.

This too will pass,
of this I'm sure.
But while the clock ticks slowly,
the moon no longer speaks.
And,
the stars no longer wink.
And,
the night is just the day with out light.

written by,
armand 1997
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
WHEN WE FIRST MEET
Posted: 11/11/2007 6:36:25 PM
A SLOW HAND

When we first meet, I'll want to watch your lips move, as you speak, your tongue curl against your teeth. I'll want to feel what's behind the sparkle as your looking at me.

I'll want to talk,...talk and listen. I'll want to know what you like, what you dislike. What are your hopes and dreams. What are you proud of what do wish you had never done. I want us to laugh as one ,some deep belly laughs because we understood something as one that no one else saw that cracked us up.

I'll want us to walk, your hand touches mine and we play with the simple touch of each others hands. I don't tell you but my whole body shivers. Our eyes meet and our hands are playing. The world is a painted masterpiece,when it is just you and me. An hour passes, but it feels like seconds, you are everything.

We lie on a green matress of grass looking up at the clouds. Identify the shapes we find. You point out a Bold Steed in full gallup. I look but all I can see is you. Finally I point out a duck. You can always find a duck in the clouds. You laugh, you find it funny and you tease me... a duck? You are soft, and you are kind. I don't tell you but my whole shivers.

Your face is etched like a permanent tattoo on the inner regions of my thoughts. Your stare is gentle. I feel sand under my feet,I hear waves against the rocks, a salty breeze, and the scent it brings. I float feet above the ground and watch you watch me watching you.

We are standing at the steps in front of your house. Sitting holding hands. We never moved from that first spot. It was our hearts that traveled miles. We didn't notice as the angels slowly dimmed the lights and day turned into night.

You lean an inch I lean two. Our eyes, like bonfires ignite. We swim a blissful mile via each others smiles. Our lips touch. Just a brush. We move closer. Our mouths slowly ever so slowly slightly open and our tongues meet and part.

Just a kiss. A tiny kiss. We say good night,and I walk away with the fullness of you embedded in my heart,and my whole body shivers

Written by,

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
A DIRTY STINKIN' CHEAT
Posted: 11/11/2007 6:42:11 AM
(dissected from one of the many
plays I have written)


John: What's wrong with you today,someone die?

Brian: No! It's Francine.

Yesterday I went home for lunch, I never go home for lunch.

When I got to our apartment I don't know why but I didn't reach for my key. Francine was at work and I always leave last in the morning.I was sure I had locked the door but I didn't reach for my key. I reached for the door knob and turned. The door was open.

The moment I entered I knew, I could feel it, I could smell it, Hell I could taste it.I started walking but my muscles wouldn't move, I could barely breathe, leave I told myself but I kept walking, I was walking to the beating of the rhythm of my heart.

Not really walking, it was like moving through mud, like a slow motion scene in a movie. But this wasn't a movie. This was my life and I could feel it slipping away from my grasp.

I heard noises!

I had heard that noise a hundred times before, I use to love that sound. Francine. But know it traveled through the muck in the air like the sound from a distorted speaker. It mocked me.

I reached our bedroom and there they were.I knew, I knew the moment I entered the apartment why hadn't I turned back. I could barely see, my eyes were blurry, but I knew I had never seen him.

You'd think I would be mad,I wasn't.

You'd think I'd curse and call her whore,she wasn't.

She was just sharing her body like I had done countless times before.

That was so different it felt so harmless this hacked and tore away at my spirit at my self worth.

I spoke I mean my lips moved and words came out...I think. I think I said,I'm not sure it all happened so fast,she never spoke. I could see the shame on her face she didn't need to speak, but I think I said 'Sorry,...I said Sorry and I left.

I walked for what seemed hours it was minutes ,and It was strange it wasn't like I was walking to a different drummer, there just wasn't any music anymore.

I walked till I couldn't walk any more and went back to the apartment,she was gone she had left a note it said Sorry...

...we both were.

John: I don't believe you!

Brian: What do you mean?

John: I know Francine. She caught you in bed with that girl from the donught shop didn't she?

Brian: Yeah okay, guilty as charged. What do you think of the monologue though I wrote it last night.

John: You slay me. Yeah sure great monologue. Have you ever thought of having it removed?

Brian: (confused) The monologue????

John: No your**** Have you ever thought of having it removed? (laughs)

written by
armand
 gentle11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 53 (view)
 
WORK
Posted: 11/11/2007 6:02:42 AM

A snail gets run over by a turtle while crossing the street.
When the paramedics arrive, they ask, "what happened?"
The snail responds, "I don't know, It happened so fast!"


Hahahahaha,too funny. A great joke for mixed company or a gathering with children. I love this joke.
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
RAINBOWS
Posted: 11/10/2007 4:49:24 AM
MOST PEOPLE ARE SO BUSY LOOKING FOR THE POT OF GOLD

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW, THEY MISS THE RAINBOW.

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Blame it on the parents? When does it stop?
Posted: 11/9/2007 3:48:04 PM
You take resposibility for your life and your actions because it is the best you can do for yourself. You can place blame where ever you please. the problem is it will not help you. You can blame some one else but it is unlikely theywill take resposibility for your life and start to lead it for you. Take charge and find happiness!
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
IN THE ILLUSION OF MY WAKE
Posted: 11/9/2007 9:01:11 AM
JUGGLING MY FRAGILE SANITY

I was dreaming,

as they dug outside my house
as they paved my driveway
as they bricked and interlocked
as they led the walk to my door

Slept,

while the neighbors talked
while the neighbors listened
while hearts forged
while minds merged

Wrote on air,

as new signs were placed
as cars moved to directions
as engines purred and roared
as pedals right and left were used


Stared at clouds,

while tree branches waved
while birds built nests
while grass grew, flowers bloomed
while the world inhaled and exhaled


I imagined,

as people walked and jogged
as people won and others lost
as people created and built
as people admired and compared

I was immersed in squiggles,

but the earth still spun
and gravity with hugs held tight
nature naturedly did its part
babies of all kinds joined us

when I awoke
the room where I parked, my carcass was bare
my dreams buried so long back I knew were dead
what I sewed from wisps and light
a fabric invisible left me
empty and stark naked

when I awoke
and saw what they call "this is your life"
and saw what they define as reality
when I looked at the one was mine,
I returned to my slumber, back to sleep,
Never again to wake,
happy in my lack,
my lack of conscious life.



armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 50 (view)
 
LAWYERS?
Posted: 11/9/2007 6:01:36 AM
"Best Comeback" line


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....


Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q : "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nom inated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win!

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
THE MAN IS ALWAYS WRONG
Posted: 11/9/2007 2:59:37 AM
JUST THE FACTS PART ONE.

Alright, off the top of my head. Here are the facts as I know them.

1. Fact: people will only understand what they want to understand.

2. Fact: you can not, will not, ever fix stupid.

3. Fact: if you are an alternative thinker you will spend a lot of time talking to walls.

4. Fact: the man is always wrong.

5. Fact: the reason 4 is true is because women stick together, on the other hand men hope to get sex by taking the woman’s side.

6. Fact: if you have anything original to say, don’t bother, hope you get published

7. Fact: if two people are arguing, the person who is right is the one everyone believes is wrong.

8. Fact: 7 is true because the person who is right is more passionate more apt to get frustrated and therefore undo themselves.

9. Fact: if your girlfriend, fiancée, or wife repeatedly tells you she hates a certain type of male, you can bet dollars to doughnuts that will be the type of man she will be with when you break up.

10. Fact: if you are an ex you are responsible for everything negative that happens to her or him.

11. Fact: if you have an ex they are responsible for everything negative that happens to you.

Those are the first eleven, people prefer small lists. I am happy to oblige

to be continued...
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Good Marx
Posted: 11/9/2007 2:49:53 AM
Love the duck joke wa hae!

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
A GREAT SIMPLE LIFE SAVING IDEA
Posted: 11/9/2007 2:37:31 AM

The best defense is a good doorman.


Thank You reasonableman I love the doorman idea! Have one on me


armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
ROSES
Posted: 11/9/2007 2:34:17 AM
VIOLETS

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Some poems rhyme

And Some don't

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Groucho
Posted: 11/8/2007 1:06:52 PM
MR. MARX

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx


I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx


I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx


If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
A HEART
Posted: 11/8/2007 5:02:03 AM
Socrates' last words: "I drank WHAT?..."
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
JUST JOKES
Posted: 11/8/2007 4:47:12 AM
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The

mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f.uc.kin’

French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and

sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess

that leaves more f.uc.kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks

him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants

for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the

f.uc.kin’ French toast."
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 20 (view)
 
A GREAT SIMPLE LIFE SAVING IDEA
Posted: 11/8/2007 3:57:43 AM
Tom Kat on 11/7/2007 436 PM<<<<< Very creative and very funny
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 47 (view)
 
JUST JOKES
Posted: 11/8/2007 3:48:35 AM
GREAT JOKES GANG. PISSED MYSELF LAUGHING. ALL GREAT JOKES. I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. I LOVE PEOPLE AND I HOPE WE CAN BE A GROUP OF FRIENDS WHO ENJOY A GOOD JOKE.


Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ****in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast."

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
A HEART
Posted: 11/8/2007 3:27:40 AM
I NEVER EAT ANYTHING
THAT ONCE HAD A HEART.

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Love Is...a rewrite
Posted: 11/8/2007 3:25:37 AM
Love is a slut at the corner of Here and There.

You wanted to pay and leave.

As you are ****ing her it feels like love to her and she cries

You are kissing her and stroking her hair and starring in her eyes and you just hold her because you feel her need.

So she opens up and you hold her tight and you just listen.

She touches your heart and she is beautiful and she is 22 and you are 35.

You pray God will save her.

She sees you as a White Knight but you know you're just a piece of shit male getting some on the side behind your girlfriend's back.

Love cost one hundred and fifty bucks but it's not two dogs humping in the park.

At least that is what you thought.

But one day you are 53 years old and you think of your one hour bought woman.

It is twenty years later and you still remember her.

She is still on your palette; you can still relive every sense that was her. You remember every second, and you wonder...

Maybe sometimes love is two cats, screeching like the sound of an Arabian mother wailing over the death of her son.

Maybe love doesn't last three hundred and sixty five pages like in a red and gold leather bound romance novel.

Maybe love isn't romance from the first frame to the closing credits, with a beginning a middle and an end.

Maybe love is a 60 minute love affair with a woman you met at Here and There twenty years ago.

Safe and sound, written and produced, neatly tucked in the back vinyl grooves on the highway between your heart and your brain.

armand
 GENTLE11
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Love Is...
Posted: 11/6/2007 2:31:25 PM
Love is a slut at the corner of Dis ST. and Dat Ave. You wanted to pay and leave. As you are ****ing her it feels like love to her and she cries.

You are kissing her and stroking her hair and starring in her eyes and you just hold her because you feel her need.

So she opens up and you hold her tight and you just listen. She touches your heart and she is beautiful and she is 22 and you are 35.

You pray God will save her.

She sees you as a white Knight but you know you're just a piece of shit male getting some on the side behind his girlfriends back.

Love costs one hundred and fifty bucks and it's not two dogs humping in the park.

At least that is what you thought. But one day you are 53 and you think of your one hour slut your 60 minute love affair and you wonder. Maybe sometimes love is two cats and their cries sound like tears.

armand
 
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