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 Author Thread: I just lost my best friend.........
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 13 (view)
 
I just lost my best friend.........
Posted: 1/18/2013 2:06:14 PM
Deepest sympathy in your loss.

It is true sometimes the role of best friend is often devalued by people who are only superficially in one's life. A good reason to clear state in our advanced directives and wills what we want our closest friends to have as rights and possessions.

If I learned anything living in an ever changeing military community, before technology was so affordable, and where your best bud could be gone in a matter of days was to keep a diverse and wide pool of friends. Something that I am finding very true as I age and many of my friends are considerably older.

Having lost several close friends I hope it comforts you to know that after the shock wears off some you will discover how much you still feel your friends positive influence in your life.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Should I Be Suspicious?
Posted: 1/18/2013 1:31:44 PM
No.

Because any number of legit reasons could account for his being focused on other things. Things that he may have handled with the same grace and management that are more apparent.

Personally a friend or the gentleman that doesn't announce "oh by the way ____ was ill, careing for a family member's very private issues, whineing that dateing is too expensive, ect. " like some myrter is actually refreshing.

I think there are a lot of people that shouldn't be dateing who would do well to "time out" and make it a lot more pleasant experience for the rest of us. If there was less social pressure to just jump to the next relationship maybe that would happen more.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Expectation of anger
Posted: 1/18/2013 1:14:02 PM
Yes I have run into this and I have found avoiding dating the " walking wounded " usually reduces this expectation.

Also dating people who have taken some time to actually know my personality type. My face will tell you exactly what my initial impression of what you do is but if you know me at all you know with a legit reason a frown can flip to to a gracious smile or even empathy. Life is messy sometimes.

That said if you are going to date and seek relationships get your act together. If you don't you are going to be falling off a lot of people's calendar's as there are just too many people who have.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Another relationship ends..
Posted: 1/18/2013 11:40:43 AM
You have to really decide you want to cheer up. Then you may have to fake it until you make it. Find something and someone , probably best to time out on girlfriend material, and do something that is fun or makes you feel you improved yourself. Making supporting relationships stronger might make the loss you feel less accute. Somewhere along the line you probably want to figure out why you picked a relationship that was not what would work in your life from the start. Picking LDRs , or mates that do not have the time for the level of attention you need is a sure fire way of staying in failed relationships scenarios. If you figure out what made you sad this time knowing you are not going to repeat the mistake might give you some relief from the pain.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
On First Date, Guy Says He's Looking for a Friend
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:17:33 PM
He wasn't sending mixed signals at all.

He was hoping you would go to one of the hotels with him and struck out. Can't blame a guy for trying. Yes maybe he is just checking you out to see if you are a lady or a professional , but I doubt it.

Probably end of the story with this guy.

But I would definitely not get anywhere alone if he is that pushy. One vague reference he should have taken the hint.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 75 (view)
 
She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:06:54 PM
You don't. You don't call her, acknowledge her texts which are a standard courtesy, I doubt she will notice . She clearly doesn't care about you and just used you because you allowed it. If it hurts your pride find a new place to jog .
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Why do other women flirt with me when I'm on a date?
Posted: 7/9/2012 5:59:51 PM
Perhaps they thought she was your sister? Or co-worker? Or daughter?

Is this the only time you "spiff up" to go out? I see guys dragging around looking like they just got of work or out of a homeless shelter and I am not going to flirt with them either. lol
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
You are adopted ...
Posted: 11/25/2011 3:57:59 AM
As an adoptee and a adoptive mother I think this whole issue is blown out of porportion by too many people . Yes the people it hurts the most are those who are adopted but the ones with " issues" is a society that wants them to have issues because they don't buy into the whole "adoption lie" that society pretends to support.

This woman has normal questions that anyone has about her biological family and what ever information you can give will be appreciated I am pretty sure but my guess is it more a curiosity than any big emotional turn key for her. Answer her questions and be open to shareing your impressions about how she might be alike of different than her father or his side of the family and let it go.

Yea she may be feeling a little "mortal " maybe even cheated a little loseing a parent, again, at such a young age but hardly like it is a new thing for her.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 3 (view)
 
girldfriend goes backstage with band
Posted: 11/25/2011 3:30:09 AM
If you invited her to the bar where you were working to see this band and your girlfriend then was allowed VIP treatment; autographs and chat I really don't get what you are so worked up about ?

If she was the the only one there with the door shut and a bunch of drunk musicians then I would wonder if you are just mad you didn't get invited to the party?

Personally I think she should be mad at you for putting her on the scene, alone, and then making something ugly out of it. Since she is not here to defend herself and you weren't there to see that anything did or did not happen yousound more jealouse than exploited.

Especially when maybe she was just being an ambassador for your club and making you look good to your boss.

Assumeing every band and all of it's members, is out to rape, pillage, and burn the local virgins when most of them have families, or at least girlfriends of their own, is pretty over the top.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
What's Proper for Dating if Married but Legally Separated?
Posted: 11/25/2011 3:06:23 AM
If you were legally seperated and the finalization of the divorce were only a mater of paper work I might excuse the idea of dating as getting on with your life.

But I would not date anyone who is seperated and looking for a new relationship to confirm or deny the legitamacy of your decison.

Dating is dicey but if you want to sabatage any new relationship lieing about anything is pretty sure way to do it. Two wrongs won't make a right. Best advice you are ever gonna get ...take your time and finish what you are in now and give yourself a little time to figure out what you really want before you dive back into dating. You don't have a spoil by date stamped on your neck but if you jump out of the skillet into the fire you are putting a rope around it for sure.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 79 (view)
 
(Older) women and motorcycles? That many, really?
Posted: 11/11/2011 1:51:27 PM
I have no clue why women put what they put on their profiles but I tend to suspect that a few woman over 45 saying she likes motorcycles; especially if she starts nameing expensive bikes she might be doing some financial qualifying. It's looking for an affluent lifestyle where she occassionaly gets on the bike in fair weather but more often than not likes the high end vacationing with toy haulers, fifth wheels, and his credit cards.

Or she figures he is busy with his toys she can play with hers.

Or she is trying to do some physical qualifying. It takes a bit of strength to hold up a bike and a pretty good back to ride any length of time not to mention vision and hearing.

Maybe she is just trying to avoid having him around in her old age. Most motercycle crashes for older drivers are fatalities. Widows pensions beat the unreliable alimony check and maybe the the kids are grown and moving out so no child support. I hate to tell you how many snide remarks I have heard about how much easier being widowed is than divorced. (For the record it isn't.)
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 63 (view)
 
She wants to get married, he doesn't .. should she move on?
Posted: 11/11/2011 12:37:21 PM
People have different views of what marriage means and a lot of that changes when the state gets involved and makes it clear what their interpretation of it is.

Marriage with state endorsement has some perks and some real penaltys. If you ever go through a divorce or a catestrophic illness or death you find out just how much.

Now days you don't see the social endorsement as that big a deal in most cases but believe me it still there and the weight of it often falls on women who get hassled by nosey relatives and freinds as I suspect is the case here.

If the friend has been coasting along happily for three years plus why are you even bothering to rock the boat making it an issue and presenting her with this as proof that your values should be his or hers? Maybe she is not as miserable as she tells you. My guess is she will continue what she has been doing and ignore you. Hope it was worth looseing a friend over.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 139 (view)
 
Facial hair on men over 45 - make them look older or younger - why?
Posted: 11/7/2011 12:18:33 PM
It really depends on the guy and how he keeps it groomed. I am not into being someone's Mother so I would not dream of telling a man to "shave" or otherwise alter his appearance. But I vote with my feet and if it isn't groomed I am just going to walk away. My personal preference is for something simple. in a mustach or maybe a beard if it isn't so patchey that they look sickly Greying in facial hair generally seems natural at my age frame. Anything that starts looking like a costume or ethnic/ counter culture statement would be a turn off to me. As does someone who seems obsessed with looking younger.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 37 (view)
 
When do you give a guy your number?
Posted: 10/28/2011 2:49:53 PM
If you give someone your land line phone number you ARE giving them your address and sometimes a whole lot more.

For a couple bucks and access to a search engine you would be shocked how much information someone can find on you. I actually recommend folks taking the time to do just that because often the information isn't correct. The decent folks are not going to do this initially but until you meet someone you do not have a clue if they are who they say they are in a profile. It is no big deal to lift bogus pictures and create a persona. For some it is just a hobby to kill time.

My experience is a person who pressures to get a phone number is the same person that can't take no for an answer once you meet in person usually with some abusive diatribe, drunk dials at 4:00am months later, thinks it is ok to drop by , or generally just has to answer their phone 14 times during the meet and greet.

Someone that is so paternal that they have to call to see if I am somehow maimed if I am not on the dot for a simple meet and greet is going to be a drag in a relationship.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
uninterested in some one who messaged me (polite let down)
Posted: 10/28/2011 9:22:37 AM
No one can be all things to everyone so rejection is just part of the process. I personally prefer when someone does not see me as a match they say just that. I don't need an explanation excuses , good wishes , nor do I need to waste my time with phoney conversations. I totally understand preferences and if someone wants what I am not it helps me if they state it in their profile. I personally think the word petite is appropriate and would clear up defineing that for men who prefer it. Plenty of Fish in the sea.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:59:34 AM
I think if you really truely want to be a parent chooseing to do it at 50 is a huge step . It can be done and I don't buy that most people will be to infirm to parent a child into their 70's if they choose to. I have seen too many older parents do a great job.

Kids need a lot of energy and patience. Especially when they are little . Even more so if you adopt a child who is older. Many have significant problems that not only take tons of patience but massive amounts of money.

I do think if you are going to have a child expecting that someone else will be the nanny every time you want to go doing what many people do in their 50+ years then it is pretty selfish. Also expecting that your friends who have completed their parenting years are going to want to do and instant replay isn't realistic.

I also don't think it is a good idea just to have or adopt a child for your spouse unless you also want to be a fully vested parent yourself. Kids will know and be very hurt by it. A child feeling unwanted can make homelife miserable any number of ways.

Since many families find themself sandwiched between dependent children and parents (which is hugely harder and lasts longer in many cases) that is a consideration. The idea that long term care insurance is going to cover the costs I believe is highly unlikely.

Would I date a man with children? It would depend a lot on how he and the child accepted me into the co-parenting role. I would not tolerate being anything short of and equal if a serious relationship actually occured.

Since I could not support a child on my own at this age I would not consider adopting one myself unless my spouse had significant resources to place in trust for a child.

I would not dream of attempting pregnancy at 55. Since it has not been possible for 30 yrs. I certainly would not go to the extream of having a surrogate at this stage of my life having an empty nest for a decade. Once you get used to it you really like it. I would much rather spoil a spouse than a child.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 189 (view)
 
What a man over 45 looks for in a relationship.
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:24:56 PM
While I find a detailed punch list of must haves too rigid I would hope people have some values and behavior standards in mind. To me it seems like they are contributeing to the process. I would hope they would take enough time and ask enough questions to draw a fair conclusion on how I really am. First impressions are important but assumptions made on a first date rarely are totally accurate .

I think how a person treats people is really important . Not all families are ideal but many people go on to be family centered and that would be important to me as long as our relationship was protected. I do believe how people treat the dependent or helpless says a lot about character. I do think someone that bullies others is a good bet for bullying you in a relationship. If you are a volunteer at heart, like I am , I would have to be with someone who would not have to own my every moment.

Same goes for how people treat animals. Lot of people claim to be in love with their pets and treat them terribly. An animal is not a child or an assessorie to dress up and neither is a spouse. Pets take a lot of care and someone who ignores their care tells me how they will take their vows.

I agree how a person sets up their home is important. If you put and avid collector with a person who is a minimalist it will drive both crazy. For example I really love my garden so someone who hates yard work and doesn't care if the weeds are taking over the place or finds spending money on those things wasteful would be frustrated with my priorities.

I think being comfortable with another person is important too. I don't think good relationships should feel like they are a great effort. If you can't naturally feel comfortable with someone even if they are nice it just won't work.

I also think there has to be some basic chemistry. That isn't totally about looks but if you don't feels some attraction wheater it is a smile or how they move or their overall look it is going to be very difficult to want to be intimate. Everyone has their own taste.

I also believe that love can occur at any age and is worth whatever time is allowed. Ageing is not for sissies but I would hate for people to have given up on me the first time someone told me my time was up. Keep the Faith fellow fishes.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 77 (view)
 
I know I will get blasted for this but...
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:21:50 AM
I would love to have more feminine clothes and shoes available to buy .

Undergarments are a joke. With tiny oftenpoorly attached straps, no bandeau to prevent riding up and minimal binding so panties will stay in place. Absolutely no customer service for fitting. Mixed fabrics that can't stand up to laundrying.

If you find a dress with any style at all you can almost guarantee it is way down the middle of my shins. Same with skirts.

Blouses are invariable cut so that if they fit you in the bust you have and extra yard around your waist and end up looking like you are wearing a grocery bag. I am not sure where they get their body demensions but arms are cut too tight or short, and necklines gap open. And the ugliest buttons . And shoddy construction over all. Seems not tied off, facings curling up, fabrics cut off grain, zippers that pucker, hems that fall out. and garments with belt loops but no belt.

The quality of fabrics are a joke. Who ever decided that stripes are supposed to go across rather than up and down must have been high. Half the time you buy anything plaid the seems are not matched. Dyes rub off or fade with one washing. Permanent press is more like permanently wrinkled. It is amazeing a buyer will buy one color line of tops and then buy clashing color line of bottoms.

Sorry heels are a joke. Even if you could tolerate the shift off of your center of gravity you have basiclly one width of shoe now days and the enterior structure of the shoe pinches, rubs your heel raw, and there is no instep padding. Even soles of shoes are so thin that you can't walk across gravel. The foot is not ment to be cooked in plastic all day. Finding stylish "flats" are a joke. Strange shaped heels make them difficult to walk on and many don't have and instep to keep the arch from sagging. Forget a wnter boot actually being water proof. Or shoes that are soil and stain resistent.

If you want quality made garments you have to be and accomplised seemstress or pay horrendouse prices and that doesn't even guarantee quality. Made in America hardly exists any more. If something falls apart you can pretty much figure they will not refund your money.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Men over 45 who dye their hair
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:48:17 AM
If a man wants to color his hair it is his choice but I would much rather he just focus on a good cut and relax about it. Better to work at protecting his skin from sun burn and skin cancers.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
When are you crossing the line into adultry?
Posted: 10/8/2009 1:31:59 PM
I don't care what the judge said the intent of the law was for married people to live seperately and DECIDE if this really is what they want. That only in seperation can issues cool off and people really discover if being single is what they want. Do they still have feelings for their mate, can they be resolved? Are they still miserable and maybe need to do some self work? Can they really survive the way they want single? Divorce is incredibly expensive for society and seperation is an attempt to save marriages. Or at least let the couple to be seperate in a time while they are divideing and re-establishing themselves as seperate entities without destroying the other spouse thus why temporary support is required. It was never intended to be a time out from marriage to cheat, seek out a replacement spouse with the support of having a spouse. Seperated you are STILL married and hopefully can rehabilitate the marriage or at least part as civil mature adults.

The woman who is cheating on her lovers marriage is giving you a clear signal of her sense of honesty, loyalty, and fairplay. Why you value that sort of person for a friend is something to think about. It is not likely you will change her behavior . Is it disloyal to let her suffer from her own cruelty to others? Being around such people desentitize you to their character flaws and make you vunerable to similiar abuse.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Where are all the Pisces Woman?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:47:35 PM
We are here. Old thread but interesting reading.

For me I think variety would be a defineing word for me. That I like, can discuss, accept in other people a variety of things and lifestyles; bloom where I am planted thing.

I would resist the thinking that anymore Pisces folks are addicts than other populations because our empathy for others finds this kind of selfish behavior unacceptable and something to swim away from. As would be being moody to the extream. My guess is a creative Picean would be the first to seek professional help, medication, better diet, or doing something else upbeat to re-establish balance.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Precautionary measures
Posted: 10/4/2009 9:12:53 PM
I think wearing a mask is over doing it. But having lost a spouse who had the constitution of a Bull otherwise to flu I don't mess around about getting my shot every year.

Whenever I go out one of the first things I do when I come home is wash my hands throughly. And while I am out I don't touch things I don't need to. I also tend to avoid crowds and lines where you can't get away from people who are too rude to cover their cough.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Money, money, mooonney...MOOOONNNNEY
Posted: 10/4/2009 2:32:30 AM
I didn't say it doesn't exist I just haven't run into it enough to make it statistlly significant. And I hate to break it to you I have had plenty of exposure to single male headed households. Professionally and privately. Exposure that lets me know very clearly how "Mr. Mom's " , a term I really dislike, have to cope as single Dads.

What I have seen is that most Dad's as much as they obviously care for their children have a very difficult time doing the things I already outlined as consistently as their female counterparts. Many struggle with basic tasks and rarely participate in extended relationships unless it is to be totally dependent on aged parents or siblings. Their children often become the homemaker and self parent as latchkey kids.

It has nothing to do with virtuosity or selflessness. Let me repeat that. I has nothing to do with virtuosity or selfnessness.

What it has to do with is the cultural training that women get from early childhood on that gives them a major headstart on handleing the chores and social situations that taking on what the Mr. Mom roll takes. Guys generally get a different skill set.

It has to do with having socialization and peer support that Mr. Mom's have only in limited situations. How many Mommy and Me classes are out there for Dad's, how many Dad's do you see at PTA meetings, how many single men feel comfortable hanging around a playground without pointing out they are the Dad? Women exchange tips, tricks, and practical advice.

It has to do with open discrimination that custodial Dad's confront at almost every turn. People think Dad's won't care or don't want to be bothered so they don't bother telling them things or includeing them. They over charge them for daycare and some don't want to babysit for single dad's because it causes flack with husbands or parents.
Doctor's often ask for the Mother or talk to the Grandmother but tell Dad's very little.

It has to do with even though single Moms have gotten some respect and support services many Mr. Mom's refuse to use the systems out of fear that they will loose custody. And often they do get greif from programs that do "bash men " so they often drop out. Most men see counseling as silly or punishment.

They also have to fear that if they have a dependent relationship with a woman, sometimes even their own Mother's, and it ends badly that the children will want to go with the "new Mother figure" as society pressures them to do.

And the lousy money issue. Is it fair that most of the time women earn sixty cents on the dollar for the same jobs men do? No but it isn't fair either that many non-custodial Mother's walk off pretty much scott free when it comes to child support or shareing custody because they do earn less. Often because they interrupted their education and careers being pregnant and fine tuneing how to keep the house.

Is it fair that some Mom are failures and don't do a steller job even with a spouse? That they set on their bums and basiclly let Dad's be breadwinner and homemaker? No. That stinks too. But that is not the norm and most of us know that.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 76 (view)
 
If you were to marry again, would it HAVE to be with your children's blessing?
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:33:55 PM
Considering I have had an empty nest for a decade I really do not see my adult children trying to impose themselves in my private life any more than I did in there's; which absolutely excluded my expressing opinions about their choices in dates or spouses after they were no longer minors. I would like to think that if someone was significant in my life my children would be happy to hear it. I think they are long past trying to influence such decisions.

The idea that a son should be "Man of the House" is ridiculous. It does no one favors for sure.

Would it be nice for everyone to be on board with the comingleing of families? Yes. If I am dateing someone and a significant person in there life is resistent to me I try to give them time to get used to the idea. If my SO couldn't work it out it is possible that the relationship would die out. I am not going to beat myself up dealing with and abusive "in Law".
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 145 (view)
 
Okay, is turning 45 the worst or what?
Posted: 9/28/2009 6:18:26 PM
Sure beats the alternative. I doubt I am the only one to think this up but hey it is the bottom line.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:20:54 PM
No. But my good sense and experience makes me reserved enough to take the time to know someone. That includes verifying what they tell me, and not bringing potential mates into my safe comfortable life until I am convinced it is going to be a good experience. It is not that big a deal to get to know a person's friends, co-workers, or family in public places. Someone that is intent on invadeing my space prematurely seems like someone who is too desperate and undependable.

Would I consider a long distance relationship? Yes but the same standards would apply. It is a small world and it is not difficult to check someone out if you are really interested in a serious relationship. Would I travel just for a weekend fling; no way.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 174 (view)
 
Article On Mature Ladies and Dating.
Posted: 9/28/2009 12:12:35 AM
My first thought when I read that was hogwash. Perhaps that is because I was happily married and enjoy the reciprocal nature of marriage so would seriously consider it again. Have I heard other opinions expressed? Yes but more often I think it is to save face.

My feeling is if a mature man is a gentleman and actually makes dating and developeing a relationship pleasant most women would be glad to consider another marriage after a reasonable period. I know I would.

It is not that I hate being single because I like my life but I just know how much I would enjoy shareing the place I am in my life.

Would it seem natural and complete to have a partner that was decidedly younger and not my peer? I seriously doubt it. And nothing against dogs but I am ready to be snuggle up with my honey not a critter.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 38 (view)
 
What led to the downfall...?
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:21:43 PM
Being widowed at 38 and now 55 I have a problem with saying the downfall of my relationships, or the absence of them, is the death of my spouse.

For a long time I just did not have the desire or energy raiseing teenagers to deal with dating, a relationship, and that it probably meant I had to also put up with blending his and hers families and probably and ex-wife in laws. I knew the odds for those relationships and didn't see it as a good bet.

While twenty something children should not rule over a mother anymore than two year olds trying to cope with the emptying nest alone was harder than I expected. Greif sat aside as a luxury hit with both barrels.

As the time slipped by dateing seemed more and more to be something younger people did. The music changes dressing like a "hottie" sounds kind of ridiculos. Playing sports you worry more about and injury than the score. The boss figures you are glad to work weekends.

That many men were interested often only wanted friends with benifits with no committment didn't seem wortht the effort. Because it is often available I figured let someone else get saddled with a late in life kid or left behind when they saw what they really wanted. I didn't fall for that baloney at twenty why would I at after forty. Not that at times it wasn't very tempting. Seeing little parts of my youth melting away I wonder if what is left is still enough. In some ways I feel more woman but it takes a wise man to see that. Wisdom does not necessarily come with being single at a mature age. Sometimes there is a reason what is out there is. I am sure that is true in reverse.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
A Friend's Pregnancy
Posted: 8/23/2009 10:09:23 PM
For your sake and this young woman's sake I hope you recognize you have way too many personal feelings to be the level of plutonic friend she is going to need in this situation and withdraw.

Other wise I don't need to be a fortune teller to see a nasty domestic situation in your future's . What is really sad is the one to suffer the most will be and innocent child even if you are the only one who ends up in the hospital or jail.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
STalkerish???
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:53:56 PM
If you live in a relatively small community and represent yourself as you had in your profile she may have thought you would like a "spontaneous invitation to a Christian activity" as you stated.

Can't get much better opportunity to look great at a "safer" environment that you already have to attend; preferably with a date.

That she texted sounds like she planned on you showing up so I hope you were enough of a gentleman to tell her, and the host of the wedding, that you would like to be excused as her escort. At 27 years old and someone who is a family man you had to know that a car that would not start was a really lame excuse. If she even speaks to you is more grace than I would give you.

Good manners generally dictate when you accept a date as an escort for a formal invitation that it registers in your brain as something requireing a little more notice. Now adding insult to injury by calling names on line sounds like damage control .
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Can someone please help me figure this out ?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:24:07 PM
My guess is he is trying to up the anti where maybe you will either; knuckle under probably offering sex to keep his interest, or he just likes having someone on the string to appear desireable to others. If he gets you, the older woman , to keep chaseing him; at least awhile he saves face to the people he has probably bragged to. Forget this wanna be player as not worth the insult. With friends like this you wouldn't need enemys. Better luck next time.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 11 (view)
 
a Tricky dilema?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:07:05 PM
Sorry if this is a redundant post but part of the reason I read threads is to get to know people as well as what the current mores are.

As a mid fifties woman perhaps my values, which are clearly traditional, and or situation is different from some women with considerably more resources but I feel like I am self sustaining and contribute to my social life on the same percentage as most of the men I would date.

I could give some of the younger folks a little history lesson but the reality is that traditional relationships are still preferred by many much younger couples than myself, and when one spouse is the stay at home part of that arrangement it is not likely that they can change their values systems even if some folks want to change out the rules to dateing. "Catching up" is just not feisable.

Generally that ishakes out that men are usually the more affluent providers monetarially. By percentage or in it's entirity. Since I doubt most men would not prefer having a wife that took a lot of the stress off of them so they not only have stressful carreers and considerable time they have to contribute to homemaking and social obligations I really doubt that it will become compleatly out of fashion that traditional relationships exist.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
explain this to me, make me understand
Posted: 8/23/2009 5:43:10 PM
Pictures are worth a thousand words. Do you present a an amicable, engageing, direct, friendly first impression with good body language in attractive stylish clothes, well groomed hair. and clean shaven? Didn't look at your profile but complaining after one post why would anyone look?
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
After all these years, they're not yours!!!
Posted: 8/23/2009 5:25:58 PM
If there are three children my different father's than the stand in "Dad" besides two others there are probably a lot of facts you do not know.

How would you know that your "friend" is telling you the truth? The facts could actually be very different. What goes on behind closed doors is often a very different story. Are you sure this guy is not feeding you a line to get some sympathy sex or someone to back his story? Honestly three seperate kids and he doesn't know?

Yes you might know these people but can you put this woman on the stake before you really know that they both couldn't have been swingers, actually had invetro, he could have had multiple affairs (which doesn't mean she has to be harmless in this mess), or not been able to had sex for years, he could have been on the down low all along, got off on watching, or pimped her in her early years. What is more likely is they both wanted all their children to look alike to prevent outsider's knowing there were seperate father's. Many would be shocked at people's secrets.

Oh and all that concern about rights ? At least in the USA Children concieved during a marriage are the responsibility of both the Mother (wife) and Dad (husband); law does not recognize biological father in a married couple. What it recognizes are the child's rights as superior. Well actually that is a misnomer. Actually it is the right of the state to assume the husband is responsible (with the Mother) to support the children so they hopefully do not have to. Husbands can and routinely are held financially responsible for offspring that are biologically someone else's. Sorry guys doubt the taxpayers are going to let you out of this one too easily. I realize it takes two to tango but when guys quit soweing wild oats without protecting THEMSELVES there isn't going to be a lot of sympathy.

Oh and by the way would I change this law? Absolutely! I have NEVER thought lieing to children has EVER been in their best interest. I think every CHILD should have the RIGHT to a paternity test. And a parent that supports them because they want to. We have seen how forced support has worked out.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 239 (view)
 
Is it a compliment to be contacted by a younger man?
Posted: 8/21/2009 2:27:34 AM
I don't find it particularly flattering.

For one , at my age, I am not sexually attracted to physical appearance of a younger man. I want a body that is softer and cushier and doesn't have the smell that a younger man has. Younger men have a much faster tempo.

What I have found when I talk to a younger man that wants and older woman they seem to be looking for someone to be what they seem themselves to be equal too. Often they were raised by much older Mother's or " Grand mother figures" .

If they have and age approriate Mother they are weak and inefectual often depending on the son to make decisions, provide care, and affection. But very little supervision. I think they carry in an attitude that they are younger, stronger, smarter, and more sophisticated and that they can promote themselves in a power position

Sometimes they are seeking a family " environment" to just see what it is like. . Or just a stable middle-class houseing situation. Sometimes and older woman is a real "houseing" option or a vehical. Some want to be mothered and I have seen a few that really were not that interested in the sex, especially hetero sex, but more in the absence of sex or at least having multiple partners. They might be quite good at sex and know the right word play for the right woman but it is rarely about love and more likely a permissive "keeper".

If they have children so much the easier to manipulate the sitiuation. Sometimes they are more capable of controlling children/adolecents because they have been life long parents.

A few are doing it as pure "dare" or bordeom. Or genuine hatred for older women.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How long do you wait to delete that number.
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:59:28 PM
If I have a number that has not called me in a month I usally delete it if I don't just after they call. Don't need a throphy list. It is amazing how nosey people can be so I don't want someone picking up my phone and knowing my personal business.

I am very careful about giving out my phone number because I don't need some person who turns out to be a cry in their beer type calling all hours. Just not the gab on the phone type.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 68 (view)
 
When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/18/2009 3:26:32 PM
The premis of the thread was interesting . What is even more interesting is seeing how the OP revealed all his underlying motives and behaviors. Certainly makes me rethink the idea of accepting private "at home" dinner invitations.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 26 (view)
 
So how can we make it easier for single moms to date?
Posted: 8/14/2009 3:19:35 PM
Jake's comment makes a lot of sense. I know for one that if a guy feels compelled to make that statement to me I feel like I have already been demoted to the wicked step-mother status. It also brings in to question my priorities which is rather insulting.

Some ideas that served well for me were more of family habits than coming up with a last minute exception.

My kids expected that I had adult me time routinely. Unless there was a very good reason there wasn't an exception.

They had a bed time. Even as older teens there came a time where they were expected to go to their personal space and and give me privacy. This was true even in the morning. They knew if they got up they could play quietly in their room but it was not open season to wake everyone in the house from a very early age. A courtesy I also offered them. It wasn't uncommon for me to leave them a breakfast tray and leave it in their room and at one point I actually put them in the Master bedroom so they could have immediate and private access to the bathroom and more play space.

We had a babysitter's bag. Not only was there a "how to " manual but there was other useful information. Like how to find cookie dough in the freezer or an on the go treat. A stash of art supplies and toys. Emergency Power Of Attorney. My kids also had a comfortable set of sweats that they wore to the sitters that they played and slept in. More often than not I used a babysitter that would keep them over night and then I usually took everyone out realatively early for breakfast or at least took donuts to the sitters.

Regularly I was the babysitter. I found it pretty easy to find parents that needed a sitter for certain holidays or certain nights. Nurses were great because third shift was always tough and I found they were more than glad to return the favor; often bringing their kids over to my house for a sleep over. The ones I did not want to swap paid or bartered other useful helps.

Paying a sitter fairly is critical. Never try to pull a fast one and add a friend's child. Just because you used to babysit for peanuts doesn't mean to have a regular and dependable sitter you can jerk around those who you depend on with excuses of paying late or not in cash. Nobody wants a check and if you need a reciept have your own carbon book. Bickering over arriveing late or adding on chores will get you pegged as someone not to sit for and that reputation spreads like wildfire. If you have a high needs child or a wide range of ages it may take two sitters.

Useing a sitter consistently ups your odds of having someone not flake out. Missing one nights pay is not much of a motivation but if you are a regular customer that generates income they depend on your chances get better. At times you have to be flexible but a regular nights help everyone get in the groove. You can not expect people to babysit on birthdays and so forth. Don't have a date on the sitter's night? Use them anyway. Go shopping child free, visit a friend, take a class, go to a library and escape in a book.

If you have a standing sitter for work if you get them used to you haveing personal time also it is not necessary to tell when you have a date. With a cell phone you are accessible.

If you do not know many age approriate or qualified people you can find a list of licensed sitters through your county offices. Calling your local high school student counselor it is possible venue as is a minister of a near by church. Many seniors babysit to suppliment limited incomes.

One note I rarely used family or friends for babysitters. Because I didn't get in this mind set I had not worn out the priveledge when I needed an alternative. When ever a friend or family babysat I never took it as a freebie. If they refused money I brought food, or flowers, or something personal to acknowledge the favor. Friends usually appreciate a nice portrait of their child and this is pretty easy/affordable for one shot at a drop by Photo place .

Good luck. Count your blessings. It is much harder to find a relief sitter for and ageing parent.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 1:36:31 PM
Wish I could say this kind of balogne doesn't occur but it does. Part of being a parent is learning to handle critizism with maturity and often more grace than the person offering the discourageing comments. Try to keep their words in perspective and be open to the idea that the reason it bugs you so much is you are trying to be a good parent and maybe you fear they might have a point.

And example might be the nameing issue. A parent sees it as their absolute right while a family may see it as a bond between the generations. Where possible seek compromises and build bridges. In the long run you might be surprised the ones you will need.

A call to Child Protective Services should concern but not frighten the average parent. Workers quickly see through abusive calls but are mandated by law to come out and check them out. Staying business like, answering questions, and welcomeing the resources they offer you . Don't see a pass as the right to then threaten anyone with counter complaints because that will only pour gasoline on a fire and loose whatever support you might have from and overworked CPS. .

There is safety in numbers. Going to a Parenting group, church of your choice, YWCA ( which affords parents membership on slideing scale), P.T.A. or regularly seeing people who are supportive of you can help balance out your critics. An informal meeting with other Parents at the WalMart snack bar or McDonald's playground will give you peer support.

If you have toxic family members sometimes you have to resort to self preservation and have caller id or and unlisted phone number or in extream cases restraining orders. As a Grandparent I understand their rights but if they are keeping you so worked up that you can not function you can limit there access severly. I would caution against going to war with family or people in public. With a child you can't up the anti the way they can if they act stupid but you can gain credibility by staying calm.

It is very sad to say that there are some really irrational responses to breast feeding. Unfortuneately there was a period when it was heavily discouraged by all means fair and foul and Mother's and Grandmother's can be very emotional about their views. Try to focus on that it is the most cost effective healthful way to feed your baby and be as discreet as you can around those who are not supportive. Done somewhere private it actually can be a bonding time between Baby, Mother, and other adult women.

Keep in mind the past couple of generations thought a healthy baby was a fat baby and may need reasurance that a normal weight baby or a small baby we are so blessed to see survive now days are not in jeapardy.

Also many people who are the most hyper-critical may have their own unresolved issues about parenting. Maybe a "lost" child or pregnancy or a similiarly critical experience. If their relationship with you has always been difficult they may be afraid to step back and fail one more time. The stakes get a lot higher when you fear for your own child and a grandchild.

That you come here and discuss this common parenting issue heartens me that your children will be well cared for. Ignore the ignorant rearks.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Being too nice..
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:25:49 PM
Something made you hesitate to go for the gusto with this gal and I think you should listen to your intinct.

Do your best not get all caught up in a romantic fantasy about this woman. Sounds like you are ready to be in a relationship but I don't get a good vibe about this being the one. Be cautious.

It is likely she is just trying to see if she can get you in the sack and will drop you like a hot potatoe after. She is probably surprised by someone who didn't jump in her britches and doesn't know how to react to it.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Help
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:18:07 PM
Your young, and I assume she is young, and I think she got the vibe that you were going to take over her life after one fun date. Calling every day is like too much rain it causes a flood and everyone has to evacuate. I would chalk it up to experience. Date other girls and if some time in the future you meet again you can see what happens.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is being shy that big of a turn-off?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:28:46 AM
I kind of like a person who is shy to a point. Then when they do say something I tend to pay attention rather than just ignore the endless blather some put out.

When you live or work alone a lot you do kind of fall in a rut of not expressing and opinion out loud so conversation does get a little harder. If you have pretty much fallen out of the social loop you may have to make and effort to perk up on what is current.

I will say unless you are Brad Pitt lookalike, or fabulously wealthy, or some other outstanding material you are probably going to have to draw attention to yourself to compete. That means contacting people.

I would practice first in just reading and commenting in forums. It gives you a lot of exposure and lets people get to know you from a comfortable distance. If you are interested in a specific "Fish" then I would note what she is interested in.

Believe it or not a three or four sentence note that is upbeat and polite is much better recieved than some big overature. It is a numbers thing. You might strike pay dirt on the first message but the reality is you will be a howling success if you get anything nearing a 10% return. A lot of profiles are old, rarely checked, or taken down if someone is dating. Age is another factor as of course distance and your habits.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Why do so many women put their pets in thier profiles?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:03:42 AM
Probably because they want to weed out those people who are not into animals and attract the ones who are.

I hope if someone is really into anything that they reflect that in their photos and or their profile. A picture is worth a thousand words.

I don't buy that all potential dates will lie about loving animals to "score". A minor compliment yes but not many will go past that if it isn't true.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 18 (view)
 
What do girls like to talk about most...
Posted: 8/12/2009 11:48:08 PM
I think I would go lightly on the compliment thing. One sounds genuine and doesn't make a person self concious. You get too into "girlfriend things" you are going to displace your status as a date.

General conversation developes from mutual interests or activities. Referenceing from where you met or a previous conversation is a good beginning.

Asking for feed back about where you are; what you are doing. Pointing out something interesting and comparing it to something else.

Telling something small about your self; where you live, and interest, wheather you have a pet, or have been somewhere , or hope to go somewhere, or plan to buy something in a few details , and then letting them build on what you have said with a comment or question. Most all people have some common experiences; school, a job, a pet, favorite tv program , food, type of music.

I think getting into great philosophical discussions about the meaning of your past or the future of mankind are pretenious.

One thing you want to avoid is gossip , name dropping, or asking too personal questions that a person might regret telling you and make them not want to be with you again.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Second Date
Posted: 8/12/2009 11:05:27 PM
Personally I have a several thoughts here.

I don't like to critique a date while I am on it or with him. Stateing that you are having fun or like me is a compliment and I expect that you will call again so it is really not necessary to nail down exactly where or when. If I am having a good time I will probably say so but not give you and evaluation. If a date starts fishing for compliments or future commitments I feel he is desperate and pushy.

I don't necessarily carry or want to discuss my calandar on a first date. It is fine to talk about things I like to do as long as it doesn't start feeling like a job interview or someone charting when I will be where. This kind of third degree makes me wary you are possessive or just trying to track where I will be so you can go elsewhere with someone else. Not that I care if a casual date actually goes out with someone else I just hate when people try to be a player.

If a gentleman doesn't call or email me either that night or the next day thanking me for the date I assume he is rude and not all that interested in me. If I give someone my phone number I am going to know theirs. If I don't answer or return your call you have bombed out. Don't expect me to call you but if I don't say thank you before I take my leave of you you can pretty well assume I did not have a good time and don't want to go out again.

I tend to take an invitation immediately on the heels of the first date as you have no life and assume neither do I. Not a good first impression or a flattering compliment. Asking for a date in the next three days even if the date occurs later tells me you want me in your future and you care that I have time to prepare.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 19 (view)
 
What to wear on a casual date for the first time?
Posted: 8/12/2009 10:19:25 PM
If you feel under dressed in comparison to your date then it is possible you are. If a young woman puts in the effort to have her hair and nails done, wear a dress, and wear less than comfortable shoes it is not likely she is going to be all that impressed if you show up wearing a tshirt that doubles for and undershirt , "comfortable" jeans or shorts and something shy of shoes and socks, and hat head. A date is a date; not hanging out with the guys on the driveway. Clothes should be approriate to the environment or maybe slightly better. The exception is if the date is to do something that might tear up better clothes. Always they should be clean and fresh and so should you.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 6 (view)
 
This Might Be A Repeat. But Could Use Some Answers
Posted: 8/12/2009 10:00:12 PM
I can't speak for anyone else but your profile and even this thread doesn't seem to well thought through. You tend to ramble and get stuck on ideas that are kind of irrelevant to the average person in a conversation.

If I go out with a person it is about the present. Having a good time, upbeat conversation, no whineing or making excuses. Not going overboard with unneccessary explanations.

If you are such a great boyfriend but haven't dated for 5.5 years that means you must have changed your standard operateing procedures or maybe the women in your life have outgrown your behavior.

Part of what is your problem is that you have no visable means of support and a small business is often a "cover" for selling drugs or not getting a real job. You have the added disadvantage of being a small man so people are going to see you as weaker than you may be.

That you mention that you "know to much" suggests that you are trying to impress people with what you know rather than have a regular conversation.

Sad truth is the early twenties are not the easiest time for dateing for guys. Mature women that age generally are looking at older guys and younger women are off limits.

Only you can know what of this applys. I wish you luck.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 4 (view)
 
OK I really dont get this
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:29:39 PM
Sounds like she didn't find the conversation all that engageing. Maybe another relationship has moved into the serious level. I would not let it bug me. Dateing is a numbers thing. Keep trying.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 12 (view)
 
When should I bring up a medical issue.
Posted: 8/12/2009 9:23:59 PM
If you feel it is important then I would somehow include it in my profile where it was to mention it in your dietary preferences or where you volunteer. Personally I don't see it as a big deal unless you are going to hound me to follow your diet. If you need to have a sweets free environment you would not do real well around me. I don't and would not be the food police for sure.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Making him interested?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:45:18 PM
I would guess you gave him "your only a friend and coworker " message when you took friends on " his " date. It is probably going to take a nudge from you to get him to ask you again. If you are talking on line it is easy enough to remind him that you had a great time and then add that you are ready for a solo date if he has something in mind. If he picked up the tab for you (and especially your friends) then you owe him a date.

I do go along with the thought that you are courting disaster in dateing a coworker regardless of what company policy might be. Emailing at work for personal purposes is a good way to be passed over for a promotion or terminated. Be wise. Good jobs are very hard to find right now.
 
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