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 Author Thread: You might be a bad catch......
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
You might be a bad catch......
Posted: 6/24/2012 10:30:33 AM

If you have half naked pics advertising sex but confused or hate it when tolled how sexy or hot you look. "duh"
i see through the smoke and mirrors; when it seems clear there's only more smoke and mirrors.
if you on PLENTY of FISH because of low self-esteem and only fishing for complements to try and built your self back up. "that's what good friends are for, get out of the water and make room for the hungry fish"

seriously? not to be the self proclaimed word Nazi- but seriously?
tolled-what you pay (told)

If you ARE

perhaps this post was meant to be the most humerus? Made me laugh

we could ALL use some Hiyah level of education or at least a good spell check LMAO
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
You might be a bad catch......
Posted: 6/24/2012 10:16:17 AM

If you mention that you are "Bi", but fail to include the "polar"

too funny!

you may be a bad catch if you "almost" won a Darwin Award but miraculously pulled through
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
Of Mechanics and Mayhem
Posted: 10/8/2009 6:22:23 AM
that was a funny story! At first I figured it was a cutNpaste but as I read there were details and nuiances I figure this really happened to you! thanks for sharing well written do you teach English? you should try dating the auto-shop teacher (do they still have that?)
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
A Cowboy Named Bud
Posted: 9/18/2009 7:37:19 PM
good one !

gimmie back my dog.....snort snort
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 50 (view)
I don't give a......
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:23:10 PM
more please!
You two are having the most entertaining intercourse!

I do believe if enough POF'ers read this thread we might just all get together form a society and buy you guys plane tickets to meet someplace in central America-you know like ....Kansas
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
fractured phrases vs. profile typos
Posted: 12/7/2008 7:05:33 PM
I feel like a Mac Truck headed for a train wreck

I thinks it's combo-contraction:
"built like a mac truck"
anything (person) (idea) (endeavor) headed for a train wreck, as in :
"Did you see her hair cut?"
"AWFUL! She is a train wreck!"

"How was the rehearsal dinner?"
"My Mother-in-law (to be) got drunk, told everyone to p1ss-off. It was a train wreck!"

"the auto industry is asking for a bail out from the Government"
"That will be a train wreck!"

I do like the visual of a great big truck headed for the on coming train-If it's not a fractured phrase it should be and IS NOW!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
Doggie Emoticons you wanna see on POF
Posted: 12/5/2008 6:57:21 PM

just a failed test
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
fractured phrases vs. profile typos
Posted: 12/5/2008 6:39:44 PM
reminds me:

two heads are better than a sharp stick in the eye
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
Doggie Emoticons you wanna see on POF
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:48:46 AM
Desmond baby-sits them in the market place

the real question is where did the pets get to?

Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Funny Song Lyrics
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:56:01 PM
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt once left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet.
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street..

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One said to the other with a twinkle in her eye.
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built.
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be,
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment and then one said we must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along.
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
Oh! lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.

Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Oh! lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
My Embarrassing Loss of Virginity
Posted: 12/2/2008 4:56:05 PM
I wasn't gonna say anything, but I was totally grossed out when I read that!

Now maybe I am just getting old, and in so doing getting soft (no pun intended)
I used to play the gross out game with the best of them and hold my own (again no pun)

However, this was one of the most disgusting and vile accounts I have ever had the privilege not to witness, however it was written in such detail and with such verve that it is undoubtedly etched into my mind!
- and hence the reason I write-
Normally I would simply keep my mouth shut and move on, but this horror has invaded my subconscious and I had an actual nightmare, without going into detail further, lest just say- I was relieved to wake and find that I had not relieved myself whilst napping!
So if your intent was to gross me out completely- you have succeeded.
Perhaps a warning would be in order-
"read on at your own peril"
I may never nap fitfully again!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Senior Personal Ad
Posted: 12/1/2008 7:55:06 AM
these are hilarious!

and BTW do you know this guy?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

sounds like he's right up my alley!

Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
Spelling ....
Posted: 11/30/2008 12:04:50 PM
that is freakin GREAT!
and I now know why this dances like this

can't move the feet and hands at the same time!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
Spelling ....
Posted: 11/30/2008 8:10:24 AM
Dear OP:

If you read or post in the forums regularly you can’t help but wonder how some people make it thru life not knowing how to spell.

However I now have a theory, it’s simply that the rest of are able to compensate automatically, thus enabling them, don’t believe me, try the following example….

OK I just HAD to do this:
If you read or post in the forums regularly you can’t help but wonder how some people make it thru (through) life not knowing how to spell.

However I now have a theory, it’s simply that the rest of (us) are able to compensate automatically, thus enabling them, don’t believe me, try the following example….

I am now exusing myself to pry my panties out of the bunch they are in!

Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/30/2008 7:58:17 AM

You can tuna fish, but you can't tuna piano.

it's "tune a piano" you have it right just not write-LOL

You know the flat (used to be wood) surface at the bottom edge of a window?
Well I always called it a sill- as in
"don't let your little brother climb up onto the widow sill he could fall"
Well my daughter had a friend called it the "widow seal" it is actually more correct a definition
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/28/2008 6:59:49 AM
Hey takeachillpill-

you can! you can!
squeeze credit from a joke forum!
it WAS you-out of respect of your privacy, I left out your name.
Glad you found the thread!

Now another contribution--I say THIS all the time

You can lead a horse to water,
you can hold his head under,
but you can't make him swallow
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
Pirate Jokes
Posted: 11/14/2008 7:37:20 AM
the Pirate came home depressed wearing paper towels as a hat-and said

"there's a bounty on me head!"
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 50 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/13/2008 11:35:12 AM
That Horny young lad from Kilkarney
He liked to dress up just like "Barny"
With his big purple suites
He wore combat boots
That he stole, when released from the army
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
Products You'll Never See
Posted: 11/13/2008 11:29:35 AM

Fairly Serious Putty

slinky made of mercury

Klansman's electic key board....all white keys

Amish gambling casino

Turkey shaped Thanksgiving marshmallow peeps................
(oops they will surely make them NOW!)

Size XXXXL elf suites

Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 48 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/8/2008 10:36:00 PM
There once was a girl from Balboa
so old she that she had sailed with Noah
From the un-ending loop
scooping animal poop
she hid below and became a rower

tough one to rhyme!


There once was a lad from Kilarney.........
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Why Parents Drink
Posted: 11/7/2008 6:45:41 PM

I never saw it coming!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 46 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/7/2008 6:38:18 PM
I had started to run like the flash
twas a veritable 50 yard dash
they were in hot pursuit
they all wanted the loot
and I winked at them with my eyelash

A cop pulled his gun and yelled "HALT"
"It looks like a plan to assault,
this nice citizen,
a pedestrian
I will soon find out who is at fault!"

He took us all down to the station
I stashed the hash - no hesitation
down the back of his pants
when I asked him to dance
He thought I was an abomination!

when the booking sergeant asked him why
he brought us in , we told a lie
"We were practicing sprinting!"
Then we started hinting
that maybe the cop might be high.....

So I get to tell you this tale
elevated to the holy grail
you need a big top
to out smart a cop
'cause that trick won't work if you're male
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 44 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:16:11 AM
And they're right: I'm all out of booze
can you guess why? here are some clues:
some friends that were here
had run out of beer
and where hopping mad, like kangaroos

So I opened up my private stash
they drank it all up - then smoked hash!
they were wreckin' the place
falling down on there face
So I threw 'em out and took their cash
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
A great prank I once pulled
Posted: 11/7/2008 11:07:32 AM
great prank!
and well done that you installed it in your OWN home

But it's time to remove it

( I thought you looked familiar)
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
Have you ever taken food from a baby?
Posted: 11/7/2008 8:55:58 AM

posted in the humor section

that it is, I don't find it funny, but hey that's just me-
I also don't like the "hospital humor" jokes like :
what did the paraplegic get for his birthday?
see - - just not funny to me-
but hey to each his own,
as for it being

morbid sence of humor

I wouldn't call it that either-
just in bad taste, but hey as long as you are not advocating harm-
I would HOPE all who read this would realize it's supposed to be a "joke"
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:06:19 AM
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.

The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

terminal velocity=end of increased speed
terminal illness=end of life
terminal science=fairly interesting explanations that tend to end the life of a thread
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 42 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/5/2008 7:35:03 PM
I mean really, lets all get a grip
These rhythms run at quite a clip
You two are so cool!
rhyming verses, you RULE!
teasingly on the tongue they do trip

Realvike from up north you do hail.
On crystal clear lakes you may sail
Ever heard of Vermillion?
Just one of a zillion
We catch northern Pike and drink ale

It's north just a bit and then west
I go with my Sis for a rest
the cabin is clean
the view is serene
It's the airfare that I just detest
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 40 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/4/2008 6:35:43 AM
Classy Lady lives up to her name
she it tops in this here ryhming game
the bunny sounds funny
And calfs better than tummy
'Cause it can't sag and start to look lame!

Have a great time on your trip
I'm sure you'll have fun-you're a Pip!
Don't take wooden nickles
Stay safe on those cycles (sickles)
drink some but don't smoke or do "dip"
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:31:05 PM
My vet had "LAB" tests too!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 38 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/3/2008 5:26:20 PM
For you? first tattoo? OH NO WAY!
No ink on you yet? To this day?
I thought you a "biker"
Not back seat hitch-hiker
Choose wisely, what you get will stay!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 36 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:53:48 AM
Goblins and ghosts are now gone
Turkey feast soon comes along
After that it's St. Nick
with his "up-chimney" trick
Then we all sing that Auld Lang Syne song

It makes me feel old just to think,
about New Years. I don't want to drink
I've seen the years pass
not much sand in the glass
Time sure does go by in a blink
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
Is my humour who I am
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:55:22 AM
Geez "ruberto" your response wasn't funny!

I didn't think his post was bad at all, in fact it was intelligent and sophisticated enough to make me go read his profile...(too bad he's in Canada!LOL)

geez DOOD ifin ur gonna spell like a ganksur maybe yous shood liten up a bit- or wuz thiz thred just for ur own edification?

(go look it search the word, nothing better than a SMART comic)
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
If You Could Give ONE Piece of Advice to the Opp Sex.....
Posted: 11/1/2008 6:58:31 PM
on a date, as many places now have T. V.'s hooked up and running round the clock, MEN be sure to place your back to the TV, or at least seat the woman front and center so it appears to others that you are gazing in her general direction.

I mean seriously, if the big game is on OK fine- fine -woot woot- and ALL

but this electronic heroin stare that I see so often is just plain ignorant

(yeah -yeah- I know girls do it too, but WE stay home and watch project runway, that's WHY it's on WEDNESDAYS! LOL)
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 11/1/2008 6:46:24 PM
I just remembered:
2 wrongs don't make a right
but 3 lefts do
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
*why* questions...
Posted: 10/31/2008 11:13:47 AM
A couple of these are true. You get to figure out which.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?----To keep their ears warm. It gets cold up there.<-------------------TRUE

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? ----Bagels.<----------true
how did I do?

Idiom drift, like "I could care less".

I thought is was "I couldn't care less"

not unlike -I don't give a rats a*ss
like ok are you trying to sell the things?
and the ever popular
"Save the Whale movement"
what do these people expect me to do swim after the whale and catch it in a baggy?

your twisted mind.......

Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
fractured phrases ei: water from a rock
Posted: 10/30/2008 7:37:15 PM
In another thread someone mentioned how they were laughed at for misquoting the old adage "You can't get blood from a stone" as "you can't get water from a rock"
It got me thinking......
My Nana used to say
" ingenuity is the mother of invention"
instead of "necessity"
It is really MORE true
I used to say
"A bird in the hand is better than a sharp stick in the eye"
I never DID understand the whole idea of birds in your hands as oppose to your bush!
Unless it's a rooster?....(get it?)....

Well I hope you get the idea, add some that you have heard misquoted, make up some of your own ...looking forward to seeing where this might go!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
I contradict myself
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:53:18 PM
water from a rock?
ranch dressing from a cactus....
I think I hear a new thread being born! ....
love your contradictions, have a few of my own
when I am thirsty no amount of water is enough but when I am not thirsty I cannot bring myself to drink half a glass with out feeling bloated and full....and yet.....
I could still eat all the ice cream in the house and not be full, then after it's thirsty
I also know/remember a vast amount of useless information don't even know how I know the stuff, but a name? not a chance
on the beach I love sand between my toes
once off the beach feet MUST be unsandy!!!ick
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Two Nuns and a Vampire
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:38:19 PM
good one!!
heard it years ago but forgot and it was not put together as well yours!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
Is my humour who I am
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:35:03 PM

whats your view on humour?

To me, humor is a necessity of survival
when things seem darkest and you find something that can make you laugh, you can go on a bit longer.
When we find something funny, amusing, or ironic it is often because it's a surprise, unexpected ....
When you are able to make others laugh-you feel accepted and admired...
your title

Is my humour who I am

I would have to ask you this;
If you crack yourself up and no one else "gets it" is it still funny and do you feel more humiliated because they are not laughing with you or do you feel sorry for them that they aren't laughing along, and how do you handle it when the jokes on you? In other words can you laugh at yourself?
If the humor aspect of your personality is what you rely on constantly, then that may be a problem, if it's simple a part of your personality then you just happen to be a funny person with a good sense of humor! and no spell check!
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 35 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:08:07 AM
She was extremely deluded,alas
she'd prayed for a booty at mass
she wanted a "bubble"
so she could cause trouble
All she got was one big fat ole a*ss
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Good Laugh
Posted: 10/26/2008 7:42:19 PM

and BTW thanks for the credit where credit is due...........................

As will I 'cause I am "borrowing" this to send along to others
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/26/2008 7:39:42 PM
Mr. Blank, to me, is far too kind
the perfect words are hard to find
that last one from "Class"
kicked me in the A-ss
Left me in the dirt far behind
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/26/2008 12:41:24 PM
She's the red-headed step child, for shame!
Overlooked! - Mr.D takes the blame.
Is red made in a batch
I ask if they match
are the carpet and drapes both the same?

(sorry just couldn't help myself!)

Her rhymes flow so nicley and sweet
Her timing and rhythms are neat
If the rest read so well
This thread would be swell
Some others should take a back seat.
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 30 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/25/2008 10:01:13 PM
These lymericks sure have been fun
I can't use that last line, guess I'm done

I don't get it at all
ain't we talking baseball?

Upton just tied it up with that run

(12:59) 4.4
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
The Funniest Story Ever Written
Posted: 10/24/2008 4:55:59 PM
I must say I have also read this a while back-
I found it a very amusing story- although disgusting

you can say whatever you like but if it were me I would have said-
"no thank GOD it wasn't ME!"
when the question came up-

to try to pass on as your own what is clearly not is on bad taste-funny or not-

I would venture if it were not as glowingly well received you would have not fought so hard to keep up the appearance thatis was your "own" self proclaimed "funniest story"

no problem with passing along funnies- but I believe one should give credit where credit is due-

that was my half dollers worth I didn't have change to just leave 2 cents
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
A funny from Craigslist...
Posted: 10/24/2008 4:39:56 PM
yup sure was - in free stuff
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
A funny from Craigslist...
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:24:14 PM

85% of the buyers are normal people. 15% ... well.

how bout the sellers?
Amana - 8 yrs old - runs great - white - freezer top / fridge bottom - glass shelves - ice maker doesn't work, and smells really bad:

Unbeknownst to me (or my neighbors) a line came loose (during the storm that really wasn't) and my electric was only operating half power for the 10 days I was out of town - the lights worked (fooling everyone into a false sense of security) but not enough power to run the compressor on the A/C or the fridge so all the food in my fridge spoiled.
I got a new (used) fridge and now the Aman is only useful for storage of bait or dead bodies-I would rather a fisherman take it free than a serial killer offer me cash. I would have a moral dilemma on my hands.

PLEASE come quick and take this horrid smelling perfectly good fridge away!

I could use it myself for bait, but I already have a nice deep freezer I got from a neighbor that smells like bait, and just looking at that Amana brings back the post traumatic stress of finding my home hot and smelly - ya know?

I pushed it out side and plugged it in it's been running fine over a week

I just got done emptying it and intend to hose it out spray it with bleach water and hope for the best! If no one comes for it, I will have to call the garbage service and it will be a shame and a sin that it goes to waste instead of being recycled.
SO someone out there MUST want a stinky fridge for bait (or dead bodies) who knows, maybe it's possible that with enough elbow grease bleach and baking soda it could smell good again, but I doubt it!
must pick up, will not deliver it's freakin free after all
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/23/2008 10:20:17 PM
farming just might be your charm
It could put a muscle in your arm

could be a sad life
If you don't find a wife

But at least all those sheep keep you warm
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/22/2008 9:48:46 AM
For now that I have no alarm
All go hungry on my old farm

all the sheep do is sleep
and dream of Bow- Peep

Santeria chickens throw charms
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
Start or finish a limerick
Posted: 10/21/2008 8:50:25 PM
they forgot to include the gratuity
when they served me my ratat-tat-too-ity
************************** (Ratatouille)
Forgive me I stutter
as I can't help but mutter

the price is higher than an annuity
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