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 Author Thread: what do girls think of guys who take antidepressants?
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
what do girls think of guys who take antidepressants?
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:05:11 PM
I spent years with someone who really needed them (among other things) and based on all means ...if you need them...take them! That is for men and women alike.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 150 (view)
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:34:45 PM
That would depend on a few things... depends on how things are being handled. In some cases there isn't as much difference in dating a parent of a disabled child vs dating the parent of a typical child.

For me it would depend a lot on how the childs parents were handling the disability to begin with. If I am walking into a household where the disability is an EXCUSE... then most likely I would have very little interest in getting involved.

I know that sounds harsh but to put it into perspective. I have a child with Downs Syndrome ( I usually don't really see it as a disability though I guess it is huh? LOL)

And frankly I won't put up with excuses. The diagnosis is an explanation for certain behavior but does not necessarily excuse it. For example... she is tiny.. so she looks more like 4 that pushing 7. And sometimes she thinks its ok to behave that way but I still expect when we go into the grocery store that she will behave appropriately. I get the dirtiest looks from people who think she is younger than she is and that I am expecting too much.

I guess I just have a thing about under estimating a childs potential. That would make me insane. And if it was a situation where the kid was being written off cause of their disability and nobody was willing to put the time and the effort in to help that child be the best that they could be I don't think I could do it.

So for me its more about the environment than ability vs disability.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
Ladies and the few extra pound guys.
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:32:27 AM
I really don't think you can go by the standards cause I don't think those are always right. While I know I need to lose a little weight... I also know if I go by the standards I look ill.

I'm working on losing a little but until I am leaving mine at a few extra pounds because I would rather be honest about it. If someone cant accept me for who I am ...well thats unfortunate but you know the saying... I would rather be hated for who/what I am than to be love for who/what I am not.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:45:53 PM
I am so sorry your daughter had to be in that situation but very proud of you for getting her out of it!

I agree you need to trust your gut and take things slow. Make sure you have time to get to know someone. Once you introduce your daughter to a bf... I would pay attention to her reaction...not just what she says but what she doesn't say.

I know there are a lot of creeps out there but there are a lot of nice guys too. Make sure they know what she has been through so they can be aware and be extra respectful.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 59 (view)
Waking your partner for sex!
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:32:57 PM
Its only rude if he doesn't make sure I am awake first...simply not fair. BTDT.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
Posted: 6/23/2009 7:09:13 PM
I think a lot of us make bad choices. I've had days I wanted to drop them off (and probably could leave them at my moms) but I tell my kids...Moms need time outs sometimes too and I step away. It lets them know that I am not perfect either but that I am trying...

It sounds like you had a really good day with them. Letting them get to know extended family is great!

I have no idea about the felony...being that it was what 10-11 years ago, I suspect a lot would depend on the details of it and whether she pushes it or not.

She needs to make up her mind because the back and forth is just not healthy.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
Posted: 6/23/2009 5:36:18 AM
Kids can be overwhelming and if she needed a break I can understand that but if that was the case she should have said I need a break can they stay here. She was probably dodgy cause she is wanting to leave the possibility open for when she is done playing. Especially if you are paying support etc she probably figures if its just an extended visit you will still have to pay. I would do whatever you could to prevent this from happening again. I can only imagine what it feels like as a child to have mom suddenly say I am done and just drop you off...granted it was a good place to drop thm off but still.

I don't think those kinds of games are fair to anyone involve especially the kids. So you do need to get the legal stuff taken care of. Also if you need assistance from food banks etc (I know its not something you want and I don't know what your situation is but being this came out of the blue it may be something else to help while you are getting everything together) some of those places want social security cards so you will need to get those from her or replace them but if you replace them they will not accept a birth certificate as ID for them... I think its school ID, medical records etc.

As for the rest... I agree do not bad mouth her as hard as that is... I started blogging so I didn't have to bad mouth my ex and I didn't have to hold it in either.

You will want routines and stability for them. Start some silly/small family tradition... let them help with chores...let them each pick a meal they a project together. Its like decorating for the holidays but its for the long haul. Look for things that show togetherness and that they are important. My kids and I did an art project together that we could hang up. They like to eat together and we do "joys and concerns" at one thing that made you...happy, sad, angry, proud...etc.

It doesn't have to cost money...try to bake a cake together...make up a holiday. LOL Hey I've done it.

And if you haven't already...not sure how much time they were with you prior to this or their ages... find out what they are into... what are their strengths/weaknesses, who are their friends, what are their hobbies, etc.

I know its a lot to take in. If you have to make a list (or 3, legal stuff, financial stuff, family stuff) and take it one thing at a time.

Good Luck!
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
how do give back hope to someone?
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:19:31 PM
I have a very good friend...who is like a second mom to me. She is currently fighting cancer. Unfortunately we are currently in opposite corners of the US...can't be much further apart without leaving te continental US. I am not sure what exactly your asking but I will try...

So its hard to be so far from her and want to help. So I asked her what I could do... these were the things she asked of me (and things she has needed from others)

To hear she will be ok
To hear she is loved
to talk about something other than cancer...
to talk about the cancer (when she wanted to)
not discussing things because you don't want to be a burden makes her feel incompetant.
Someone jsut to hang out with
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
Qualities of a good stepdad or stepmom
Posted: 6/22/2009 6:03:50 PM
Well I am just delving into this.

I'm going to say just try to appreciate them for the individuals that they are. Understand that they need to know that a new person in moms life doesn't take away from them. Let the relationship develop naturally...don't pretend to be someone/something you aren't just to impress them cause they will see right through it.

Don't srping things on them. While meeting them right away is not going to happen (in most cases) meeting them and getting to know them a bit before you tie the knot is probably helpful. I personally can't see marrying someone without meeting the kids first. Now if for some reason I was unable to meet the kids first...the kids should know whats up...not get a phone call a week or so later..."by the way you have a new stepmom/dad"
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
Having what you need vs having what you want in a relationship and from life
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:11:46 PM
I think the divorce rates are up more out of laziness on our parts ...but this is just my opinion.

I guess it depends on how you define wants... material wants or relationship wants.

I think we have become a disposable society... rather than work to fix something we just go and get a new one. I'm not saying everyone is like that but it has become more commonplace.

And I think how we define broken has changed too... rather than compromise when we run into problems there is the tendency to say "yup its broke..not fixable" and move on.

The funny thing is... if we never had a bad day we wouldn't appreciate the good days. We really screw ourselves out of something great just because we have such strict definitions of what we need and sometimes confuse need and want.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
how many parents does it take to rasie a child?
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:20:24 PM
How about one dedicated parent surrounded by a village to back them up? If there is more than that call yourself lucky.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
Is woman's sexuality more selfish than men's?
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:00:37 PM
Just going to base this on one relationship here so I am not sure what that says about the "norm" but this man did focus on the pleasure and satisfaction of the woman but it was a complete ego thing ... it was a power trip cause he could (and would) say "Because I... you should..."

It was actually a distraction and made things unenjoyable.

So my thinking is some men do focus on it but not because they are necessarily more selfless but because they need to stroke their ego.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
What platitudes make you wanna pewk?
Posted: 6/18/2009 4:09:19 PM
Well although I know there is a lot of truth to it ... when I kick myself in the ass for putting up with things as long as I did... "you needed to be in the right place to be successful thats needed time to grow"

But the worst... "That was then, this is now, things have changed..." Especially since it mostly comes from the exes new wife when she says she has never seen his bad side only knows about it from his friends. Well we (my girls and I ) do know that side of him and my 9 year old is having major trust issues and so far his behavior hasn't changed just the excuses that he uses.

I have told him before its great if there is any truth to that but frankly...just because you change the effects of your past actions (or lack of action) do not go away.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
Mothers paying child support, am I missing something?
Posted: 6/18/2009 1:26:30 PM
In my opinion its a head game... a guilt trip. She knows full well you could easily get it so she figures if she makes a comment that would call into question your manlihood then you will back down and not push the issue.

When my ex and I were trying to crunch numbers and come up with something reasonable he tried to tell me I was not being reasonable in asking for child supporrt and alimony (I was a sahm at his request for years) because his new gf was not not asking her ex for child support or alimony. His new gf was working at the time so she wouldn't have qualified for alimony... but I disgress.

He was trying to guilt me into giving in to him because he knows I have a thing about standing on my own two feet and he figured if he made it look like his gf was a more giving person I would back down. But it was not about me its about being able to provide for the kids.

So I figure your ex is playing the same game.

Hang in there...ask yourself if you kids would have an improved quality of life if you push for the child support and if the answer is yes...then thats what you have to do and don't worry about what she says.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
Warped perspectives.....LOL!
Posted: 6/18/2009 9:29:58 AM
This is difficult because somethings are pretty open to the body thing... thats pretty open. Only because everyone has their own definition of average or athletic. Of course when you put athletic on your profile and list 2 dozen interests (none of which even hint at physical activity or sports) and its apparent that you could lose a few.... I pretty sure we are reading out of different dictionaries. Not that I can't lose a few (or maybe move a few pounds around?) but at least be honest about it.

I like the ones that say they are looking for friendship...start chatting with you and asking you about what your ex was into sexually...that was a little bizarre. What does my ex have to do with me?

I don't understand the perfer not to say when it comes to do you have kids??? Whats that all about? Does that mean you are ashamed of you kids or are you afraid that people won't date you if you have kids? Cause I figure people have to accept that I have kids from the get go...they don't need to be a parent but if they can't handle me having kids its sort of pointless to start anything cause the kids are here to stay.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
Emotionally Abusive Fathers
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:36:56 PM
My ex was diagnosed Narcissitic...

I have sole legal custody of the girls because of his job and primary physical placement. The court order says he gets visitation at reasonable times with reasonable notice...which I suppose is a bit subjective.

I figured we would cross that bridge when we got there..and I don't see it happening any time soon. As it stands neither of us have the money for travel and the one time he visited he expected me to refund him some of the cost. I don't think I need to pay him to see his kids...I had already spent several hundred prior to that making trips so he could see them and I never asked to be reimbursed.

In the last year I went out of my way to make sure he had time with the kids... he lives to far to see them often. And the one time he planned on coming I invited him to stay in the house (save on hotel costs= money he can use to do things with the kids) and to bring his gf along. I thought this would be a good thing...the girls could get to know her in a familiar environment...if they see me accept her then they might be able to deal with it better.

He chose not to do this and then about 3 months later...married the gf...waited a couple weeks and called the kids. No big to me cause I was surprised he waited as long as he did...but my oldest (9) was really upset...cause he didn't tell her.

Since then he has practically forced this woman and her kids on my daughters ...pushing emails and phone calls...and then just stopped...hasn't contacted her in any way for over a week now...this may be job related but the new stepmom hasn't bothered to give her a heads up either and this child is busting her butt trying to get his attention.

Its sad and its frustrating but I can't make him be a parent. I just let my daughter take the lead and if she wants to contact him fine...if not then I won't make her. At this point I will support the relationship if she chooses to have one but he is the adult and its his responsibility to maintain that relationship not hers. My responsibility is to create a stable environment where she can whether his mood changes and to make sure my daughters and I have a healthy relationship.

As for people believing it...while I am sure there is another side to every story... I know what happened in my case and for a long time i put up with it cause to say it outloud it didn't seem real... and if it seemed far fetched to me sitting in the middle of it...imagine how awkward it would be to repeat it to anyone else.

But I know the truth and I can look myself in the mirror so frankly I am not concerned with what other people think. LOL

I can't offer much for advice but I can say I understand. The mind games are something... You get away and still feel like you are walking on eggshells trying to protect your kids without unleashing the exes ugly side.

Good luck.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 48 (view)
Real men.....what do you mean when you say that?
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:56:28 PM
Why complicate things... to me a "real man" would be someone who has the nerve to admit when they have made a mistake and not just apologize and said "oops, all better now" .... someone who takes responsibility for their actions and doesn't act like they are 12. A real woman would be the same thing...but without the penis (we hope)
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 97 (view)
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:50:21 PM
I'm a single mom and there is no way! .. Ok Moving to be with someone at this point is not entirely out of the question but my kids would be coming with me. I have full legal custody.

My ex on the other hand has absolutly no problem being away from his kids (he says he does but actions speak volumes)

BEfore we were divorced he had suggested he might move to be about 2-3 hours from here (his job currently has him on the opposite side of the country) but implied that maybe if he did that then we could rethink the divorce (never mind he was semi dating at least two people to my knowledge)

I told him that his making the move here had to be a decision based on his needs and the needs of the kids and any relationship (or lack of one) with me should not be a consideration because I wouldnt have him moving here...being miserable and blaming me. LOL

Within less than a week after having this conversation he went to meet a woman who he is now married to. She has kids and there is no way that they could move out here now because that would take her kids away from their father( they are currently like a days drive away from her ex)

But because of his choice he has very limited contact with his kids. I can't do anything about that but I could have never put myself into a position to separate myself from my kids that way.

This is why I can't see me ever considering dating someone where that would become a real kids have a support system here now and I could never take that from them. Considering they are already thousands of miles from their father though I can't see my moving making it any more difficult for him to see them. LOL
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
How did you feel, what did you do?
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:40:33 PM
So far I haven't had to be in this position because my ex lives so far away and we can't afford it... but I am not looking forward to it for a lot of reasons I won't go into here.

But I would say its a weekend where you can sleep in... if your son has known her for the last couple of years and i assume spent some time with her I'm guessing he will do just fine.

I say sleep in...take a nice bubble bath... eat dessert for breakfast...just try to relax because if your son feels like its upsetting to you it will be very difficult for him to enjoy his time with his father.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
How young to use the internet
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:09:52 PM
My 9 yo has had email since she was pretty 4 because her father is military and I used it to teach her to spell and also to give her the outlet to contact him and not feel like he was unreachable ( had backfired now cause she expects him to email and he rarely bothers but I digress)

She hasn't asked yet to get facebook or myspace. Mostly she just plays educational games or webkinz... she likes to look at music videos on Youtube (you know the ones with the lyrics so she can sing along)

Of course the only working computer is in my room so I can keep a real close eye on her. She has been told what is/ is not acceptable and if she breaks the rules she loses the computer.

As it stands right now she doesn't even know the password to her own email because of her disrespecting those boundaries. I thought that would upset her but she seems to be ok with it.

My 6 year old also has an account but neither of them get on without me here. I lock the computer when I leave.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 76 (view)
Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ?
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:01:06 PM
3 words?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder????

Yes dating a single parent can be a logistical nightmare and if thats an issue just move on.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 86 (view)
BRAGGING ...............
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:52:54 PM
Oh there are so many things to brag about! LOL I am a very proud mom!

My nine year old can be wise beyond her years sometimes (even though she doesn't always behave that way) and is not afraid to share her opinion of things. Not to mention that people are always telling me how beautiful she is.. and she has such a unique personality... I think of her a little like Punky Brewster...but instead of hearing "Uh oh" I hear "I'm ok" ;) She is the perfect combination of Tom Boy and Princess.

My 6 year old (who will be 7 in a month) was born with downs syndrome (I call them designer genes) and she just finished Kindergarten and is started to do a lot more talking than she used to (even though sometimes its 'naughty' words) She also seems to know just what to do to break the tension when her sister has a meltdown.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
Mitigating the risks for the children we love and raise
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:36:05 PM
I would imagine that having more than one parent in a home would increase the chances of a child receiving positve re enforcement and therefore be a better situation. I mean the reality is every person (adult or child) will connect with every other person in the home on a different level...based on their different personalities and temperments.

In my case ... I feel bad because i feel like staying with my ex as long as I did caused a lot of damage. He has since been diagnosed Narcissitic and who knows what else. He contacts the kids when its convient to him etc. They are 6 and 9.

Once we were separated a lot came out about how my oldest was feeling. Not that she doesn't love her father but she feels invisible to him...she was nervous when he drank and his...choices on how to handle things since the divorce have left her feeling insecure and replaced. ( He lives cross country...married someone the girls never had a chance to meet...which geograpghically is understandable... but he didn't give the kids a heads nothing)

I do accept some level of responsibility here as I got caught up in the nonsense and was blinded to just how bad things were for a while.

But now... I am in a way worse situation financially (not for a lack of trying but going from sahm to working mom is difficult under any circumstances and today its downright mind numbing)

However... in the last few months she has started to open up more and tell me what she is feeling. Her tantrums have decreased dramatically. I get more spontanious hugs and I love yous. I also get little I love you notes and I''m sorry notes.

We made a major move and a divorce in a very short time and I was really worried how that would affect her school work. She almost made the honor roll, which I am really proud of!

So my mind logically says that a two parent home would be more know when one parent is maxed there is always another parent there, etc etc etc.

But what I am seeing...doesn't add up to that. My youngest has also made HUGE strides though she doesn't really understand things the way her sister does.

So I think that a lot depends on the parent. One of the things I really pushed when I realized that he was limiting his involvement was establishing not just routines but "traditions"...Sometimes we light candles at dinner and say one thing we are happy or sad about for the day... we had a picture taken of the 3 of us together. Even did a special art project...we each started out with the same basic drawing and painted them in our own style. Those hang together...proof that even though we are all different ...we are together.

I think (or maybe I hope) that my setting the standards and making sure they are equal to or better than before has set the stage for a stable home even if I am doing it on my own. Its about quality not quantity.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
Ignorance is bliss? true or false
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:57:01 PM
I'm not sure. Honestly so far I haven't actually dated...just talking to people.

So I am kind of wondering myself ... I mean I tried to stay positive but honestly... just from some of the chats I've had I am already getting a little jaded and that bugs me.

I've "talked" to people who just makes some really off the wall i want to talk about what my ex was into? HUH?

And I may be a little leary of anyone rushing because to me I would prefer to be with someone because they want me around not because they need a woman in their lives. I'm not saying its bad to feel like you would want to have someone in your life... but if you are so dependant on it that you cease to function outside of a relationship...thats a little different....
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
she gave me custody then changed her mind
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:39:52 PM
Wow I am sorry mom is being flaky. It really isn't fair to tell the kids one thing and do another. Right now they need stability.

My ex is in the Navy and since he has to be able to be deployed at anytime I have full legal custody and primary physical placement. We live on opposite ends of the country too so visitation is a little complicated. ANYWAY...he is allowed to see them whenever as long as there is reasonable notice etc.

Of course in my case he wasn't really involved when he lived under the same roof so this situation has created a lot more stability.

The thing mom needs to think about here is the girls. If she was not sure about what she was willing to do then she should not have discussed it with them.

Do you have a temporary order? That was one of the first things we had before anything permenant was put in place.

Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 52 (view)
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:59:30 AM
Thats difficult to answer when there are many reasons.

For starters we were both in the military and started out living with some friends. So there was always somebody else around...that meant we never really had the chance to learn to problem solve without the input of everyone and his brother.

There were always some really bizarre behaviors on his part...I wrote a lot of it off as immaturity or silly quirks and convince myself (I was young and maybe a wee bit polly anna) that he would outgrow a lot of it.

Well as time went I had a multitude of excuses... cause I was no longer active duty and he was deployed and he just needed...time to adjust to being home, we needed to adjust to parenting together (as opposed to via email)...he just got promoted ...or changed commands so he just needs time.

I started to realize that there was something bigger going on... I think I knew for a while but I didn't want to see it. And I kept telling myself ...he never hit me therefore it is not abuse...well thats the only thing he did not do.

By then we had the girls and I kind of felt like I had to be somewhat loyal because he is their father and I should try to be supportive...and I felt guilty cause he can not be alone. He has been diagnosed Narcissistic...explains alot.

I know he is now on meds for what I am not sure...don't really care too much because I know the behaviors stayed the same. And he remarried...less than a year after everything was final (he was dating her before the divorce but she was just one more in a long line of those who went before her) I knew it would happen...just wish they had been respectful enough to give the kids a heads up prior to instead of dumping on them after the fact. They now have a long distance stepmom they have never met and its scarey for them.

ANYWAY...thats the short version
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
Younger mothers?Is it wrong?
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:32:03 AM
I was actually referring to emotional support not necessarily financial support. Its not about what we agree or disagree with at that point it becomes about the baby not the mother.

Also... as far as young women getting help from the tax payers...what about people who started out in a financial situation where they could take care of their children but through circumstances beyond their control they were not able to and needed assistance? Its not always that cut and dry.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
Younger mothers?Is it wrong?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:35:54 PM
Ok but the OP seems to be expressing disgust in general to young moms. I guess it seems a little judgemental.

I mean who are we to decide what age is the right age ...its more about maturity than physical age. I know a woman who had her first in her 30s and her ignorance as far as child rearing just astounds me. I know another woman who had her first when she was 16 and she is one of the best moms I know.

Whether its hellish or not really doesn't matter if the parents made the choice to keep the child... instead of focusing on their age and all the trials that we all have, wouldn't it be better just to make sure we keep young people (men and women) informed and then support their choices (even if we may question those choices in our hearts)
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
Younger mothers?Is it wrong?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:07:22 PM
IMHO....this isn't all that complicated. Statistics aside?

People are afraid to talk about condoms! They can advertise Viagra on tv but condoms... oh no lets not do that.

Just one theory....
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
Gay Parents
Posted: 5/30/2009 6:11:39 PM
Ok I am assuming that you are not currently in a relationship with either of the mothers. If this is the case then they really don't NEED to be told anything.

I would definately make sure you do have visitation etc in writing.

As for them finding out... I would think (not an expert) that as young as the kids are... that by the time they are old enough to really question will be just a natural part of who you are in their eyes. So why make a dramatic announcement now? Just live your life and when they see you are comfortable in your own skin the announcement won't really be needed. It may come up in conversation later...but I say for now... no need to make it into anything more than it is and at that age your sexuality isn't really a topic of discussion.

Besides in the long run sexuality is not what makes a parent a good or bad parent... thats what is important...focus on being the best parent you know how to be and the rest will fall into place.

Your actions will speak way louder than anything you could possibly say.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 51 (view)
What do you expect him or her to be by the age of 30.
Posted: 5/20/2009 5:09:13 PM
I still haven't figured out the labels thing.

Married or not married really doesn't matter. For me its not even an issue of kids/no kids...job/ no job.

I would hope they have a job but thats only cause I know it stinks not having one. But as long as they can take care of themselves...who I am to judge.

I think my biggest thing is ... by the time you are in your 30s you should be mature enough to quit labeling things and understand basic common courtesy. You know understand that there is more to anyone than what immediately meets the eye.

I would think that the really bad pick up lines have been removed from someone vocab by then...

You know...basically being able to hold a conversation...

But that said I may be expecting too much. LOL I have talked to come great people on here and I have also talked to a few that just really reminded me how much things have changed in the last 15 years or so! LMAO
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
Guys with kids
Posted: 5/20/2009 4:06:24 PM
Frankly if someone can't understand that your kids will take a higher priority maybe you don't need them.

I understand there needs to be adult time but they have to learn where they fit into that...IMHO.

Ok this might sound kind of negative but for me personally... if someone just had no interest in their kids... then you have to wonder if they just abandon people at random in their lives.

Maybe its because I am a single mom but I would certainly hope that the kids were a priority... I know mine are.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
What would you do in this situation?
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:18:15 PM
I'd probably call back to find out what was up. But I would seriously consider slowing things done a lot ( at the very least)

I know having kids can be stressful and its great to have an extra hand but if he has anger issues thats really not the best example for the kids.

Also if your child father is in the picture don't do anything to take away from that. My soon to be ex barely talks to our girls and the boy genius can't figure out why the 8 year old hardly calls him anymore. ( she got tired of getting the voicemail, leaving message only to have them not returned...its heartbreaking!) But if your ex is active in his childs life thats something positive to focus on and I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of that.

But a big part of why I am getting divorced in the first place is because of anger/control issues. He also forgot he was married about 9 times over the course of 12 years. He was never outright controlling though... it was subtle and thats why it took so long to get to where I am at. Please don't make the same mistake. Its subtle... small remarks..shifting blame ...little things like that. The expectation is you are to love them for who they are and forgive them their trespasses as they hold yours against you.

People like that look real good to the public eye and will treat you like gold as long as you meet their needs... be it financial, sexual or ego, but the minute it become inconvient...they book and worse yet they try to convince you its all your fault.

Sooo not worth the drama! But regardless in the end nothing will be resolved one way or the other unless you talk to him.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
Posted: 1/26/2008 6:04:24 PM
Is email an option? My girls are 5 and 8. The 8 year old has an email account set up with the purpose of staying in touch with daddy. At 3 she had one and she typed nonsense but he knew from that email it was coming from her and he would respond. Sadly he rarely bothers now. But it does give her some sense of control....he can't be here BUT she knows if she ever wants to talk to him there is still that connection.

I suspect at 16 they are gonna test the waters a bit reguardless. But with the 10 year old if he doesn't already have email... maybe set one up for him...with his help so he feels like he is part of it. Let him choose a name and a password (let his mom have that case he forgets AND so that way it can be supervised...gotta be cautious with children and the internet)
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
Mom's rules vs my sense of deception
Posted: 1/23/2008 3:37:29 PM
Ok I generally read but don't post but this reminded me of a funny story...ok funny for me not for my mom.

When I was 14 she was dating this guy...we knew they went out...had met him a couple of times. It wasn't a big deal. What I didn't know was he was making a habit of coming over AFTER my sister and I were asleep and leaving in the morning before we got up.

One morning I had woke up and realized I didn't hear my mom upstairs...usually I heard her in the morning walking around upstairs. So I went up thinking she had overslept ...wanted to make sure she was ok.

And when I walked into the room she wasn't alone. I turned around and walked out.

My mom of course threw on her robe and came out very apologetic and I was standing there trying not to laugh. She was more freaked out than I was. Honestly I was thinking "good for her" I just wished I had known she wasn't alone...I felt worse that she was so embarassed than anything else and honestly the whole thing could have been avoided had I known.

Just a thought.
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