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 Author Thread: No Guy walks into a bar jokes?
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
No Guy walks into a bar jokes?
Posted: 4/4/2007 9:07:28 PM
Bear walks into the bar, sits down at the nearest stool and goes to the bartender:
"gimme a rum......and coke"

Bartender asks "whats with the big pause"

Bear looks down at his hands and says "what, these? I've always had these?"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
101 things to do when I become an evil Overlord
Posted: 3/1/2007 8:21:28 AM
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

101. Approximatly 100 meters from my secret lair, I will install a pit of sharp sticks, so in the off chance the hero does foil my plot, destroy my doomsday device and escape my lair, when he jumps from the explosion, he and his damsel will be impaled on these sticks, we may all be dead, but so is he.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 82 (view)
Joke of the day
Posted: 2/9/2007 12:03:52 AM
Wow Polar, that a bit risque. I get it, but wow, there are a lot of people around that are:

First word:bone between thigh and waist+ suprised sound+what a patient is before they die
Second word: first published book on a printing press
Third word: Bambi's long eared friend
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
Things I Learned From Movies
Posted: 2/1/2007 10:07:07 AM
-The store clerks at the 7-11 will be drop dead beautiful blonds or skinny and scary foregn guys

-Guns that never get cleaned work perfectly every time you pull the trigger, unless there is an innocent person that will get killed if you do not act.

-Sniper scopes can zoom in miles, and are perfectly in focus

-Laser sights will hit exactly where they are pointed at, never mind other ballistic things such as wind, weight, trajectory and the other things that snipers have to think about.

-and I really want to find a super magazine that those movie cops use, never would have to reload
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
What Men Really Mean...
Posted: 1/1/2007 2:49:27 AM
"I'm hungry, Lets eat" =I'm hungry, lets eat, and I really do not care if I talk to the clowns head and they ask me to drive around the corner or if I have to wear a tie, lets just eat!

"your the only girl for me"= Because Angelina is not returning my calls, Jessica Alba has her email filter too high and Jenna Jameson has that restraining order and really big security guard

"oh, sure I have a lot of shoes too" = granted, I have many pairs of shoes, BUT THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT. 2 pairs of black high heel pumps, could not tell the difference between the two with a MRI, and she can't decide which pair to wear with that outfit. At least my black dress shoes are worn for dress occasions, and my hiking boots are worn for hiking. No debate on what shoes to wear to go see Phantom of the Opera.

"you look great tonight"=I wanna have sex with you
"that dress is increible"=I wanna have sex with you
I like your eyes"= I wanna... oh screw it, no matter what a man says to you, he wants to have sex with you
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
cold enuf eh?
Posted: 12/22/2006 10:14:48 AM
Ahh, Maudite Beer, the only beverage named after a folk song.

I admit, I am a west coast weather wimp, but hey, if the sun is shining, its still pond hockey time, even if sun is shining at -26.

I have a funny feeling that this new passport thing the US is instituting is to get americans to come to Canada and not come back, sort of a reverse mexico thing.

Here's to the start of the world juniors starting in 6 days.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
Bad jokes that make ya laugh!!
Posted: 12/20/2006 5:40:23 PM
England=English. Hold on. I know there is a joke in there somewhere, let me look. Is it a different colour, is it filed under Zed? Oh right, I know. ITS A CULTURAL THING. If you had some culture, you would know that.

Bloody Yanks. they do not speak english, as no where in the Oxford English Dictionary is the word "Un Hunh"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
Jokes for new guys at work
Posted: 11/21/2006 7:45:49 AM
In the army we have a hundred of them, and its always fun to play with the new kid that is too keen, seen too many movies and thinks that he is John Wayne, Rambo and Chuck Norris all rolled into one.

We had one kid go from platoon to platoon asking for different things, a Radio net(virtual network of stations) a box of grid squares (grid squares are on a map) and the best, some hydrawlic fluid for the backup lights, has to be red.

We had him going for about 2 hrs until someone ruined it.

Good times
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
shoe on freeway
Posted: 11/8/2006 10:22:04 AM
I like to think that they are left behind when someone pulls over to change a flat, and thats when the anal probing aliens grab them. With the power of the grabby ray, the poor soul (or sole, I can do puns too) flies out of their shoes, landing up to 700 meters apart.

Beware the anal probing aliens, they can be anywhere.

(BTW, there is a great skit about anal probing aliens done by kids in the hall, wish I could find it)
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
You know you are living in 2006 when you....
Posted: 10/31/2006 2:43:40 PM
The world would come to a crashing halt if your ellectronic organizer is more then 10 feet away.

your shoulder pops from constant mouse use

you use lol, rotfl, and cu l8er in normal speech

if you see one more smily, the computer goes out the window!!!!!
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
Posted: 10/23/2006 8:38:46 AM
Yeah, know what an Ameican Beer and making love in a canoe have in common???

They are both f@cking close to water!!

long live kokanee, may the waters of creston run clear and strong
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
how long must i wait before i have sex with a guy? and is it ok for me to be myself?
Posted: 10/17/2006 1:34:00 PM
OK, different chime here. A few of my long term relationships started with a one night stand. I beleive in the connection. Some guys want to notch up their bedpost, some want to have a long term. I want to have fun, if there is a connection, well, lets see where else that connection will lead.

If you "give it up" on the first date, then you probably think of sex as a gift you give a guy. If you "feel a connection and want to feel good" then you probably think of sex as an ingredient in a intimate relationship.

I love sex, would not live in a relationship without it, but I love the intimacy of being naked with someone I like, the kissing, the affection, the touching, the talking, the caressing. There is a lot more to sex then in out in out grunt grunt egggh yes yes yes. Its a connection between two people.

Thats just me, I'm a bit odd when it comes to that sort of thing. Slept with a woman on the first date, tuned into a 4 year relationship.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
You know SHE's into you when....
Posted: 10/17/2006 1:21:43 PM
.You see that smile (you know the one, it make the world seem better)
..she can verbaly spar with you and your buddies without fear
...She gets dressed up for your dates
....she will wear that uncomfortable frilly lingerie because you love it

and she stays in bed, cuddles and does not mind your hairy body draped over her
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
ok guys ....what turns u on/off? a little twist to this.......
Posted: 10/17/2006 1:16:01 PM
On-Attitude. Want to see me get excited, have a bit of 'tude. get home, slam me against the door and give me one of those kisses that last six days, have your whole body tingling and make me want you more. in public, flip off that guy that just insulted us by saying that you slept with his sister and she was a whore, just have no fear. Guys can do it, and so can a strong woman.

- Smoking,
-fear of trying anything new and being rude to the people that are just doing their jobs. This can be Cops, bouncers and bar staff. Let them do what they have to do. Some Bouncers are****, they do what they do for the power, but there are more proffesional ones out there that are just trying to make it home without a knife in the chest.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
Ways my life is like Pac-Man
Posted: 10/9/2006 9:52:05 AM
Mine's more like a crossword puzzle. Can never find the right word, the hints confuse me and there always seems to be someone else that can do it way faster with a pen.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
Three most popular lies men tell women
Posted: 10/6/2006 9:49:54 PM
Three Lies???? oh, your talking about in one sentence, right??

You don't look fat in that

I dont think that Angelina Jolie is prettier then you

No, I was not looking at her

I like the size of your breasts

I drive a BMW/porche/TVR but its in the shop right now

noo, I don't want a threesome with your attractive friend with the bigger breasts

I never look at porn

I only watch hockey during the playoffs (this is the fine line of the poofter test, if he does not watch hockey at all, he's a fluffernutter)

I have a great shape (round, its a shape)

I never play video games

I could think of more, but its late. Hey, would you rather I lie to you???

Sorry guys, will tear up my man card right now.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Flirting with a client
Posted: 10/3/2006 11:37:06 AM
Thanks all, I know the company policy on flirting, ( I should, I wrote it) and I am not interested in her in the least, heck, I hate going across town to do stuff, and relationship across the country.... no thanks.

Just wanted to vent about it, made me laugh.

I know that there are some lonley people out there that just like to have a plesant conversation.

It is a good thing to ponder too though, where is the line between flirting to make a sale and flirting because you are interested. Think about that next time the dreamy server chats you up. They probably just want a nice big tip.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 70 (view)
What is the dream message you want to see in your inbox?
Posted: 10/3/2006 10:45:33 AM
All Guys are looking for this one:

I am a mute Nymphomaniac Supermodel, My father owns a brewery and I need someone to drive my TVR, Austin Martin Triumph and Ferrari around town. I expect you to live in the lap of luxory, play golf and go sailing on my 40 foot yacht during the day and pleasure me and my friends in the evening. I will have a stretch limo pick you up in 15 min to go shopping in London for the top of the line suits and clothes"

Still looking for my Sugar Mamma.

Actually, considering the ratio is 10 guys to every woman here, I would be happy with "saw that you like skiing, wanna go sometime?"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
Flirting with a client
Posted: 10/3/2006 10:26:29 AM
OK, have to rant to someone, and since I work for myself, I need to get it into a neutral forum.

I work for a holiday company, get calls from all over the world to come skiing in Alberta, Canada. Few days ago I got a call from someone in the US that wants to come skiing this winter. I was using my smooth sales person voice (hey, it works) and for some reason, this person was very impressed with my pitch and the way that I talked to her. It sounded like she was more interested in mounting my Norquay then going on the real Mount Norquay if you get what I mean!

My statement is this, how appropriate is it to flirt with someone who is working. I am talking about everything from Waitresses to Sales clerks. I do not do it, as it’s really hard to figure out where the line between sales and interest is.

When I am the salesperson, all I think about is the sale. What is this person thinking about? My revenue and paycheque depends on how much this person trusts me. If I use a wink and a smile, does that hurt?

When I am the client, I think the same way. Its really mean to flirt with a sales person at their work as they do not have a choice to be nice, they are a captive audience and there is a level of professionalism that is needed (as well, I am only attracted to strong, confident women. They make the best sales people)

Just had to get it out. It’s a funny story about how customer service is a bit of a dangerous game, especially when you're single.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
Posted: 10/3/2006 10:07:36 AM
A computer is female, because you could just press a button and everything goes wrong, but press the right button and you're set for the night.

A pencil is male. Its straight to the point, is useless once broken, but can be fixed quite easly, (see sick) and corrects its own mistakes.

A phone is female. It always rings at inopportune moments, can be a lifeline, and 90% of people would be lost without one.

A map is female. It tells you where to go, is never wrong (or so it says) and if you fold it wrong their's hell to pay.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
9 reasons to become an evil villain
Posted: 10/3/2006 9:02:16 AM
Few more:

10. Radical Armies of henchmen. These guys are all huge, powerful and possess incredible skills not seen anywhere else in the world. They will fight to the last dying breath and will only flee when your extinct volcano lair is exploding, not before

11. Sidekicks. These incredible fighters will be incredibly loyal, and do not seem to care about paycheques or benefits. How you find these people astounds me (Wanted: sidekick. Must be able to decapitate an enemy with ordinary objects. A quiet demeanor and fanatical loyalty needed. Contact Dr. No at Volcano Island 23)

12. Networking. Evil villains are always teaming up. See #7 regarding super villain conventions, they can have lavish meetings with other villains and no one is the wiser. Come on, if a catering manager realized that they were serving a world famous villain, would they not call the cops??
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 52 (view)
Questions to ponder....
Posted: 10/3/2006 8:51:26 AM
How many of lifes inventions started "hey Peter, give you 5 silver coins to eat that"?

If boxers wear boxer shorts, do lawyers wear briefs?

I understand that IM is instant message, LOL is laugh out loud, what does GET LOST CREEP stand for?
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 30 (view)
Posted: 9/29/2006 10:41:27 AM
Does this look like a Q to you???

Giggty giggty

I am hairy, proud and comfortable with it. Men have body hair. Women do not. 100's of years ago, women had body hair. Then the ones that were all hairy were not as attractive, did not get husbands and breed. That did not happen for the men. Hmmm, could it be that women liked the hairy guys?

My 0.02$
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
How the heck can Jon Stewart remain so funny.
Posted: 9/29/2006 10:04:27 AM
did you watch the Emmy's?? how many people does he have writing jokes for the show???

Its not a one man job, he is just a very good comedian to deliver the jokes in such a consecutivley good manner.

Stewart/Colbert in '08

Heck, I'd move back to the US just to vote for them.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 124 (view)
Canada's peacekeeping mission in Afghanistan
Posted: 9/29/2006 8:41:26 AM
Tarnished, +1 to you, good facts, well researched. Only thing, HEAT stands for High Explosive Anti Tank. Soft targets we use small caliber weapons: machine guns, rifles and pistols. Even the armor vehicles have a machine gun set up next to the main gun. A tank round against anything smaller then a tank or building is just going to make a big bang, not much damage, might even pass through a truck and damage the area on the other side.

Back to wearing Red on Friday, this is to support the men and women overseas, NOT the mission. Would you wear red if you had someone that you knew overseas? If yes, I would like to introduce you to a few of my friends that just got back.

As for Canada sending troops to Iraq, even if Jean Chrétien was willing to send them, who would, we have sent? 145 Newfoundland Air cadet squadron? Canada has very limited number of troops that can perform the duty that is being done in Afghanistan right now, we are close to burnout as it is.

The reason Canada has a higher number if casualties is that we are not indiscriminately killing people. It’s really hard to be pro-active when everyone wears the same clothes and anyone from a 13 year old boy with a grenade to a 60 year old man with a bike bomb could be a potential threat.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 116 (view)
Canada's peacekeeping mission in Afghanistan
Posted: 9/28/2006 1:15:27 PM
ooops, forgot to add, wear red on fridays.

This supports the troops, shows that there is people that care about them. You may not support the mission, but to support the troops, these brave women and men doing a very difficult job.

If Canada did not support its soldiers, morale goes down. Know why Vietnam had such a horrible conclusion? Poor morale. Ever seen a depressed workplace (lots of complaining, hate the boss, etc..)? Good work does not get done. Imagine if doing a good job is the difference between seeing the roadside bomb and getting blown up by the roadside bomb.

Stop supporting the Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen, we will see many more bodybags then if you wear red on friday. Does not cost anything and shows that you love your country, if not the decisions of your government
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 115 (view)
Canada's peacekeeping mission in Afghanistan
Posted: 9/28/2006 1:07:47 PM

Any Canadian who supports troops in Afghanistan should be seen as treasonous: any Canadians who are helping the tyrants destabilize Afghanistan should be deemed war criminals and summarily charged. Canada's participation in Afghanistan should be judged a war crime by every applicable standard, with any who helped being prosecuted. It makes me sick to my stomach, after I did military service for Canada, hearing the the whinging whiners talking about our 'need' to be there: we don't need to be there at all!

Wow, say that in the legion on November 11th, make sure you say it to one or two guys in uniform with more then one medal on their chest!!!

I am sorry I have not had a chance to chime in on this until now, but did some of you take the tinfoil hats off for the pics in your profile??? The Masons, the Illuminati and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up do NOT control all that goes on in the world.

Af'stan has no strategic value. We are there to help the people live a better life. Do all of them want to allow women to go to school, take off the head to toe garment or work?? Of course not, but we have people that believe that women should not be able to vote in Canada. The difference is that we in Canada have a choice.

Democracy is a big word, I do not think that western style democracy will happen in the middle east in my life, too much history to be changed in one or two generations, but a freedom to change is a lot better then the "we always did it this way"

Jose, from one MCpl to another, good luck, just watch out for the "Thursday night party"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
Chief might lose job because of wife website. Fair or not?
Posted: 9/28/2006 11:07:45 AM
RE: ^^^ 2 up, ummm, there was a Simpsons episode about that very thing, Marge wanted all the kids to see Michelangelo's David. Its art, people, not Porn. Porn is people getting down, dirty and having their toes curl. Art is the human body in all its glory. Hell, I'm not gay and I think that Michelangelo's David is one of the greatest artworks around.

As for the model, the town has to wonder if they are paying the Chief enough, perhaps the reason that his wife got started was because they could not make ends meet.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
wooohoooo ... lol ..the thankful thread
Posted: 9/28/2006 10:22:17 AM
-that I live in a country that allows everyone to express their opinon, no matter how wrong it is

-Fresh air, bright starlight nights and real trees

-That the hockey season has started

-All those that have done so much to make this country as great as it is.

Props to all the soldiers in A'stand putting their lives on the line..

Oh, and long slow kisses that last three days (and cleavage)
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
So, what’s the norm for an average guy before ... ?
Posted: 9/28/2006 10:12:37 AM
There is also the time since aoursal. In the days when I had a steady partner (I think its called the 90's now) if I went away on a business trip for a few days, I might lose it turning off the lights (now theres an american pie moment)

Ususaly, the first one of the night, 10-15 min after the foreplay is over. After that, 20-25 min, depends on "other factors" as well, such as how tired I am, positions, sensitivity, how many times have we done it that day, lube and the condom.

Hmm, sound a bit perverted now, I need to get out.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 52 (view)
Favorite Quotes
Posted: 9/26/2006 10:29:22 AM
Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend all day sitting in a boat with a silly hat and drink more beer then the entire country of Belgum
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.......
Posted: 9/26/2006 8:32:08 AM
-directions to your planet include "turn off the space lanes"
-you have a stuffed gungan on the wall holding the blaster that you used to shoot it
-your jedi robe has a trail of chewing tobbaco on the front
-there are always 4 or 5 old clone troopers hanging out on your porch
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
Dating in resort towns
Posted: 9/18/2006 1:21:31 PM
OK, Banff resident here. One thing I have noticed is the scewed demographics in this reigon (and most resort towns as well) Lots of young men in their early 20's, a few women in their 20's, handful of guys in their 30's and very few women in their 30's.

Calgary is only 45 min away (without snow) but that is still a long distance relationship. My question is when do you stop looking at the local area, and really consider dating people in the city?

Just my way of looking at it.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 33 (view)
In your 30s & dating
Posted: 9/18/2006 1:17:29 PM
My question on this topic is how do you get to that next step in your 30's? Unless you have an alcohol tolerance better than most, bars are right out (and who has time????)

Most of the chances I have to network are through work and that is dangerous. With the risk of sexual harassment so high, who wants to take a chance. Not to mention that if you are out with a supplier or client, when is it appropriate to ask someone out that may affect your companies bottom line (break up with an employee at a supplier, watch what was $10 one day become $100)

Meeting people on POF is pretty good, but there is a real learning curve, it works for a lot of people not so much for others.

My musing (and a bit of winging thrown in)
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 37 (view)
Canada's military
Posted: 9/17/2006 9:12:35 AM
I was a recruiter for the reserves for 4 years, although most of the process is the same for reg and reserve.

First of all, to see some unbiased opinions of the army, go to This is a board run by members of the forces, a great way to see what you are looking at.

2nd bit of advice, do not quit your job yet, its a long process, CGyreefer is right, for a 19 year old that has never done anything, its easy to get in. For us older types, it will take a bit longer.(more forms, medicals, work history, etc)

Fianlly, go to the recruiting office, talk to the guys there, their are so many other advantages that are not on the website.

Good luck
go armour
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
Funny movie lines
Posted: 9/16/2006 1:04:31 AM
Anyone who has seen the extra feature on the Incredibles DVD will know this line, and will cause you to chuckle for a few minutes:

"the baby was exploding"

on another note, from the Monty Python holy grail, I stil use the holy handgrenade skit when teaching grenades

"the number shall be three, three shal be the number, not 4, not 2 unless on the way to three, 5 is right out"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 40 (view)
Funny movie lines
Posted: 9/16/2006 1:01:18 AM
amazed nobody has brought up "so I married an Ax murderer" I still thik that movie is better then the Austin Powers films, but Austin rocked:

"I practice a scottish martial art, its called f*ck U, invlolves a lot of head butting and groin kicks"

"Heed, move, get the paper if you can, dragging that huge melon of yours around, I'm not kidding that kids heads like sputnik, spherical yet pointy at bits, its like its got its own weather system" Thick scottish accented Mike Myers
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
leykis 101 how to get more tail for less money
Posted: 9/13/2006 1:09:36 PM
This guy has been preaching this stuff for at least 5 years. The tabasco sauce thing is new, but I remember listeneing to his show in the 90's.


This is aimed at the 18-25 year olds, the guys that want to just have a good time. do not flame, delete or bash. There is a few truths, a lot of embelishment and pretty much a great way to view dating in a very untrusting society.

I do not really see how this works on this type of forum, its aimed at the bar scene, something that most of us are out of due to age, interest, etc.

I would, however, like to know if the "I will sleep with him" list really exsists in women's minds.

just my .02$
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 32 (view)
What does ur nic mean to u, and how did u come by it?
Posted: 9/13/2006 10:04:54 AM
Used to be the bar manager at a hotel bar in Peterborough, Ontairo. Missed the mountains and ocean so much, all I would talk about was getting back to Vancouver.

BC Bar Manager did'nt fit on the NTN screen so it got shortened to BCBarman
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 79 (view)
Where Were You???
Posted: 9/13/2006 8:42:55 AM
I was on my way to my first day of work at the Canadian Forces recruiting Center in Vancouver. Heard Bro Jake say that a building in New York got hit by a plane, switched it to the news channel right away, can't remember if this is before or after the second tower got hit.

The military posted a warning that members were not to go to work in their uniform, as we may be at risk. Other then that, we were on alert for a few days.

One side effect is that those attacks killed the tourism industry for a few years, we a just now recovering and getting back to the pre-9/11 sales, and then this other f!@@! attack on British airlines get foiled, but not without a major ripple to the travel industry.

I hate terrorists, hope that they get stopped at every turn, but can they please stop targeting the travel industry (monuments, airlines, etc) I am losing business every time they do.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
Light bulb jokes
Posted: 9/13/2006 8:10:21 AM
Q: How many ADD people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lets go bike riding
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
Light bulb jokes
Posted: 9/13/2006 8:07:55 AM
Q: How many ski instructors (pilots, architects) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, one to hold the bulb as the world revolves around them

Q: how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: three, one to change the bulb and the other two to protest how the bulb going out is a mans plan to repress women by having them being in the dark
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
Posted: 9/11/2006 3:18:06 PM
As most telemarketers are paid for different reasons, ask them at the begining of the call if they are paid by the sale, the time or how far they get into their pitch. Most are honest hard working people.

If they are paid for the amount of time that they keep you on the phone, tell them to do the spiel, put the phone down and walk away.

If they are paid by the sale, thank them for their time and hang up, do not listen, do not talk, just hang up.

And if they tell you that you won a holiday cruise to the mediterainian, do all of the above, its a scam. These are the people that deserve to get messed around with, what they do may not be illegal, but its pretty damn immoral.

My favorite is to tell them that I just bought 3 from mike, and if this person can match what mike sold me, I will do the same to them. That drives them nuts.

Am going to do the hold on please thing next time thought.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 111 (view)
Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 9/11/2006 2:43:30 PM
Have allready contributed to this one before, but saw a few good life lessons at this weekends wedding season:

-spinning and dancing will not sober you up, it just makes you drunk, tired and dehydrated

-That bartender is not your best buddy ever, he is the one that is getting paid to make your drink and take your money

-A quicky at a wedding is even more inappropriate then a quicky in a bar

-Anybody sober can be a bouncer to a drunk person

-End of reception drunk:expected
-End of Dinner Drink: OK
-End of ceremony drunk: frouned upon
-Begining of ceremony drunk: will cause you to walk up behind the bride and groom and do the cowboy finger guns (pow pow, big day, pow pow)

So sad, all this is true, and happend in one wedding. (do you hear the banjo's?)
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 35 (view)
Favorite Cartoon(s) from when you were a kid!!!
Posted: 9/11/2006 2:00:47 PM
You are all amateurs!

Best shows were :
-He-man (his cats name was Cringer, changed into Battle Cat)
-Animaniacs (watched it a bit later in my life, there were moments when you say “you can’t say that on a kids show!!”)
-G.I. Joe, the new one is sooo sad
-Teenage mutant ninja turtles
-Transformers (say it with me: chu chi cho chu)
-Muppets tonight
-Muppet Babies

On TV now:
-Filmore (best written children’s show I have ever seen, very NYPD blue)
-Kim Possible
-Class of the Titans

No, I do not have kids. Yes, I am this sad, but hey, as long as its not Pokeman style, cartoons rock.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
People taking advantage of your generosity
Posted: 9/11/2006 1:42:34 PM
Reading between the lines, it sounds like the "facility" that they were visiting was a winery or something along that line.

As a small business owner myself, I do my best to help out anyone I can, but at the end of the day, I have to deal with suppliers more often then guests. If a client has a bad experience because of something that I did, thats bad but fixable. If I loose a big supplier because of something that I did, thats horrible, could cost me lots of money along the road, lose face with this supplier, even lose the supplier.

Fine line that you had to walk, I would have talked to the manager about what kind of situation they were putting you in.

Hope it all works out
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
Rules For Men, Finally!!
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:49:00 AM
Thats great, but you forgot to include the disclamer:

"At any time, she reserves to right to revoke all the points you have accumulated for no apparent reason while you are staring at the other side of the bathroom door saying "what, what did I do?". This will happen at the most inopportune time, such as the day you are going to your company picnic"
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 109 (view)
Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 9/6/2006 12:38:29 AM
+1 to you Dave, its always the next biz day that it really sinks in, is'nt it
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 107 (view)
Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 9/5/2006 1:34:54 PM
ah yes, looking at the phone, seeing that its a client that could spent up to 6000 with your company and think "hey, I've only had a few, they were pretty cool, I can take this"

Client never called back.

As well, I learned that even thought I can spin a bottle really good sober, spinning someones bottle of tequila only results in everyone gettting tequila all over them, a smashed bottle and a bunch of pissed off friends. I do not "cocktail" bottles after more than one drink anymore.
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
Long Weekend Sunday.... What R U Doin?
Posted: 9/4/2006 11:42:43 AM
Lori, do you not know that men with old cars/trucks are like women with new BF's

When we see a old truck, we do not see the a broken truck, we see a perfect truck that needs some work. Is that not the way you see a new man?

Smiles all around
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