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 Author Thread: characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 158 (view)
 
characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath
Posted: 8/16/2007 9:40:36 PM
you are so right on the money regarding all that you've posted oxdrover; clearly having a firm grasp of this evil from both a professional and a personal level. my best friend left her exNPbf last winter and will never go back~not a victim.. i'm staying with her sometimes to help with the nightmares and just to lend support, since most people could never grasp the depraved insanity of "such a nice guy". that is how they hook in their victims initially, faking to care about others, etc. since she left this monster, of course he is stepping up the smear campaign and recruiting loyal followers who are not smart enough to catch on. once she read, studied and talked to some of his ex's, family members and psychiatrists, the puzzle pieces clicked together and she got out. also, this male friend of hers, who helped her move into a supposedly "safe" place and lives a few blocks away w/his girlfriend and their kids, gleefully bragged at full volume in public last winter, that he was an ex-con/diagnosed psychopath as well. at least they're easy to spot now, it's just too bad that they convince everyone that they're the victims, thereby isolating the real victim and simultaneously blowing her entire support network to shreds. they contradict themselves often, have a low i.q. and derive their only pleasure from delierately hurting as many people as possible, with an evil smirk while they doing this. how ironic that people believe such lying, spin doctors no matter how much evidence points to the contrary. hope that you're well and thanks for all the useful input. hugs, kitty
re: the other post about them having abnormal mri's; hopefully this could be forced by the courts once he goes jail, then they will throw away the key, no? perhaps giving a set of tapes of these ppl, including her sister and a few others, along with the other documented/recorded proof to the CMHA, in addition to her lawyer and the police, would land them in penatang, where they must have an mri machine as well. peace
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 156 (view)
 
characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath
Posted: 8/12/2007 7:14:49 PM
hugs) to you oxdrover. it's heartbreaking to read what you've been through; it's just inconceivable and heartbreaking to read. my best friend who's been banned from these forums by her XNP and all of his lies gets a lot of support on some other sites that you've mentioned before. you can't appeal to the conscience of an np as they don't have one, no guilt no heart. however, her lawyer has now got years of his chat archives, complete medical history, emails and the tapes of every conversation they've had for over a year now, to have him arrested. sociopaths are pathological liars, master manipulators and they've got a perverse sense of entitlement/irresponsibility. the only way to hold them accountable and to stop the projection/smear campaign is to get the courts and police involved. narcissists tend to underestimate their prey sometimes and overestimate their own intellect, attractiveness, powers of persuasion, etc. par for the course as you know that they're a legend in their own minds. he became violent by last fall, smashing 2 pc's and her phone outta her hand. good thing there is so much evidence and an endless array of witnessess. it's for his own good as his fits of rage almost killed her while he was driving as well. you're so right that there's no vindication in locking them away. they hurt everyone including themselves and their families, people who loved them most. at least knowledge is power and she'll never be a naive, trusting target again~that was stolen by him. you're an inspiration oxdrover; glad that you're alive and kicking too, kitty
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Sociopaths
Posted: 8/5/2007 3:38:28 PM
wow, majestic lizard nailed that one. sociopaths are highly skilled to logically distort their own actions to lay the blame on someone else. they will convince everyone that the whistle-blower is in fact exactly what they are~a sociopath. yes, if they are on this site they don't take being exposed too well but most people who know them well in real life should have the smarts to see who the real monster is; always lying, manipulating, cheating and stealing without remorse, devoid of a heart or a conscience. if they persist in this slander, libel and defamation then take all of your tapes, emails, chat archives, etc. to your lawyer to put them away for life, either prison or penatang.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 154 (view)
 
characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath
Posted: 8/1/2007 5:19:11 AM
Kudos to jon and the Muse for covering the most essential elements of what my best girlfriend got free of last year. Forget diagnosing; people need to be educated in order to avoid these predators and unfortunately our society blames the victim rather than to suppport and encourage these people. She's been banned for life since she inadvertantly revealed his sordid, sociopathic true nature. Having met and fell in love with this monster several years ago, he was charming, witty and sweet; very convincing facade. Over time as the violence, backstabbing, control and fits of rage took over in private, she had to make for the exit. It was a psychological war in which she was held hostage, and she also now suffers from Stockholm Syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder. Yes, machiavelli is the model for this evil, as they're always lying and manipulating behind the scenes to destroy those who expose and/or leave them, while pretending to be just as sweet as sugar ar0und people who can advance their goals and status. Families, friends and counsellors need to be supportive and nonjudgmental. My sista has been through years of indescribable hell and this site is one of the few ways that she can get the word out on these monsters and warn other people to protect them from what she'll go through for the rest of her life. If anyone hears of sees things like her profile on here~ooomaadoll, they might want to take what some people say with a grain of salt and bother to find out the truth; she's not the cause, but is trying to cope with the effect, also from other sociopaths like her sister, ex-sponsor and a few more former friends of both genders. Imagine coming back from a 4-year tour of duty and having the very people who are there to lend help and support are blaming the victim. If they want to hear tapes, hear voice mails or read years of emails to know the truth, which most people should know by her character anyway, it's all there for backup proof. Evil does thrive when good men fail to act and this town is a disgrace; find out the facts before you destroy an already mortally wounded soul, as she did nothing but ask for your support. shame 0n all of you.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 43 (view)
 
what causes men and women to be cruel?
Posted: 11/30/2006 6:00:18 AM
i think that Sombient and mybad have hit the nail on the head with regard to this topic. there are those who have no soul, and when you look into their eyes it is truly a "window" to the insanity. what little shallow emotions they can mimic to attempt to gain social acceptance do not hold up in any sincere relationships. often over-coddled and taking an obvious pleasure in deliberately hurting others, they have no heart or conscience to bother them and will use what masks they've acquired to blend in, quite often in an obsessive pursuit of their career. they never mature emotionally and take out their self hatred on innocent victims as a reprisal for the harm done to them, instead of confronting the real perpetrators. they, in turn, become what they hated in how they were once mistreated, thus moving from the role of victim to the role of the abuser. morally represhensible behaviours are often used to keep people at arms' length, such as betrayal of personal trust, affection, friendship and common social mores. you can't appeal to the decency or ethics of such people because they don't have any; truly dangerous people with severe mental illness. just try to protect yourselves and weed them out, educate yourself to recognise what you're up against then get the heck away from them.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
taping phone calls in ontario. Legal?
Posted: 11/27/2006 7:16:19 PM
this thread provides very useful information, thanks deadbolt. the minicasette recording of our own conversations with others, whether in person or by phone, can be a vital piece of evidence when laws and/or verbal contracts have been broken, or any other circumstances where one might be threatened, stalked, harrassed, or even assaulted. it's a great day for victim's rights if we can protect ourselves without needing the other party's permission to record them. this is insanely brilliant.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Why are you afraid to commit and why is it unhealthy for you?
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:56:30 PM
i'm with kewlpeeps on this one, who is very observant and i've noticed the same issues tend to block healthy relationships; quite often they have childhood abuse issues and/or unresolved opposite sex parent issues, none have which have been dealt with properly as an adult through therapy. jmho.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Heart broken
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:34:43 PM
ouch, sorry to hear about the pain that you're in nad. haven't we all been there? please take no offense but is there something that might have caused her so much pain that she had to leave? it's human nature to try and blame things and/or people outside of the relationship for our broken hearts, but if you were with your ex for 2 years and all was fine until recently, then could there have been more going on? my female friends and i would never just ditch the man that we loved; if no major dealbreakers were involved then i would hope that true love will always prevail with some communication and tenderness. more often than not, we just require a simple apology, depending on the situation. perhaps none of this applies to your circumstances and there is no recourse. i hope that you have faith in knowing that your heart will mend in time.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 165 (view)
 
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:30:47 PM
@xodara, that post was three months ago and he was just trying to save his bad rep. and jail time, which is now the case as the verbal, emotional, lying cheating and stealing have now crossed into physical abuse/domestic violence. wasn't any of that clear?? he's treating her worse daily right now, has broken many laws and some phones and pc's on her now. that creep will never pass go nor will he collect $200.00. he's had her as a roommate since that post and the police have been informed. it's complete bullshit and he's worse today than ever.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 163 (view)
 
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:08:28 PM
~Mookie~


Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 14
Been lied too , cheated and lead to believe he wanted to be together for life but come to find out:
Posted: 8/30/2006 701 PM
"I have been the person who has lied to a woman i was involved with off and on over the course of the past 2 years ( i was the one who broke it and ran and hid from how i treated her everytime) lying and by ommisions, taking money, not doing a thing to change that behavior, i couldnt face her because of how i couldnt take responsibility for my actions,blamed her for everything painted a slanted view of things ,blamed her when it was my fault all along,lied to her stole and could not face my actions, she gave me nothing but unconditional love everytime i hated myself and took that out on her verbally and by my actions abandoning her with no answers ,not talking to her for long periods i could not even pick up the phone to say i am sorry for all the hurt and damage i caused.
What i couldnt see was her venting at my actions in the first place and how i was cause of things,not her.
i gossiped ,lied, to make things look better for myself spun all of it to make it look like it was her ,myself being the one who could not see his own issues and problems and illness as being the root cause of how things went.
the damage i have have done to this woman cant be undone and there is no excuse for how i treated her.
yes the "actor" does sum it up
she gave me nothing but openess and honesty, things i could not return .
this kind of damage to another person can do so much to them it is something that runs a deep wound to their very core.
this is the other side of this topic being the root cause of this behavior effects people like described above
how would i feel in her shoes if it happened to me ?..the same as she feels now disheartened hurt and untrusting cant blame her for all that because i gave her that"

~cut and paste courtesy of my best friend's ex, who has recently escalated to even more lies, threats and domestic violence, while he'd offered her a "safe" place to stay until her new place is ready. even though he's finally back on lithium and anti-psychotics, it puts no dent into the narcissistic abusive vile sub-human monster that his mama raised, and still enables. the rage escalates rapidly with every time she's refused to get back together and even the slightest hint of rejection is inconceivable to his distorted false pride and ego. meanwhile, he claims that she has no right to mention the daily swearing, yelling, cursing tirades, breaking things, cheating with about 5 women now while trying to lie, deny, duck and deflect. her best friends have read and heard all of the irrefutable proof and his admissions of guilt, to be charged with slander, libel, assault, battery and theft. i'm driving her to toronto next week for a polygragh to shut down the monster's filth, gossip and character assassination. she's got some really protective and pissed off male friends, so the guy ran outta town to mama's, same as every other weekend for over 3 years 'cause he's up against the wall and the police are now involved.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 148 (view)
 
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:08:31 AM
"For such a very common and widespread problem, it truly is a shame that there is so much lack of information and awareness about abuse/domestic violence. Incidentally, domestic violence includes not only physical abuse, but also emotional, psychological, sexual, and economic abuse (see link at Department of Justice: http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/domviolence.htm).

Pink ribbons are virtually everywhere, as are the emails about getting mammograms, charity walks, donation requests, etc. But how many purple ribbon events do we see? Yet, ONE out of every FOUR women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime. Compare that to breast cancer (this statistic can be verified on Natl Coalition Against Domestic Violence at: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DV_Facts.pdf)

Here is some clarification... more importantly, with reliable and verifiable sources:

1) What makes behavior abusive?

"Domestic abuse between spouses or intimate partners is when one person in a marital or intimate relationship tries to control the other person."
(from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm)

Here is a more detailed explanation of what what verbal/emotional abuse is: (taken from Dr. Irene's site, where it was from ManAlive.org - http://drirene.com/control.htm)

Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying his partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by HIM... CONTROLLING behaviors are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of "feeling," terrified of her leaving.

CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"

CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:

Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing

CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!

CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!

CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best.
Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.

CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!") The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.


2) Are abusers rehabilitatable?
EXTREMELY rare, for both verbal/emotional and physical abusers... usually because they refuse to be accountable or admit that they are abusive. They will typically blame their behavior on their partners.


Source: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3693/is_200201/ai_n9084316
The Guardian: "The Home Office of Great Britain recently released the results of a study indicating that men who abuse their wives or partners are the least likely of all types of criminals to improve their behavior with treatment. In fact, says Harry Fletcher of the National Association of Probation Officers, there is evidence that men who go to domestic violence counseling sessions "actually become more cunning in the way they disguise their violence." Because of these findings, Great Britain is eliminating funds for programs aimed at rehabilitating batterers. The money cut from therapy programs will be used for domestic violence shelters, enforcement of injunctions, and electronic tagging to keep violent men away from their victims. There are around 835,000 domestic violence incidents annually in Great Britain.

3) The idea that physical abuse is 'worse' than other forms of abuse is a myth:

"Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse."... http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

"Many women in physically abusive relationships feel that the emotional abuse is more severely debilitating than the physical abuse in the relationship."... http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/html/fvemotion_e.html - Public Health Agency of Canada

"Q: Which is worse - physical or emotional abuse?
Actually, emotional and psychological abuse can be worse than physical abuse. With physical scars, while they may remain, most of the damage heals. Bones mend, skin regenerates, teeth can be replaced, etc. Not that any of this is good. But when a person suffers a systematic attack on their sense of self, on their self-esteem, on their very identity as a person, that sticks for a very, very long time. Most of the women I have interviewed and worked with - we're talking about hundreds of women - even years after their divorce remember lucidly, as if it happened yesterday, remarks that were made to them about their abilities as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. Most of the women I've worked with still remain fearful long after the marriage has ended. AS has been said, 'Betrayal is worse where trust is greatest.'
http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.com/body/faq.html"

~thanks to mystykchyk for these invaluable resources, and to all of the brave women who are either still in this situation, like my best friend, and/or have gotten free of it. big hugs and much love~
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Are you with a Psychopath?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:24:20 AM
my best friend's ex fits this profile to a "t". each day he stalks her both online and in real life, and tries to convince her that she must have a problem for having an aversion to his morally bankrupt facade. he is of the "machiavellian manipulator" variety, who constantly works behind the scenes, through lies, manipulation and gossip to ban and/or discredit anyone who reveals the truth. he bullies her 24/7 with verbal and emotional abuse, recently escalating to breaking the phone and pc repeatedly. she's wearing a microphone all of the time, with his recorded agreement of course, and he has admitted to all of the above. his only goal is to either get her on board in the deception or destroy her sanity/generate confusion, etc. and he's bragged about having a pof moderator "wrapped around his finger". wake up people. these predators are prevalent in our society and enabling them just makes it worse imho.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:57:58 AM
"LOVE/HOPE: He is not always brutal…She hopes he will change, and the [abuse] will stop…An abused partner still loves the abuser even though he [abuses] her.

FEAR : She believes his threats to beat or kill her, the children, her family if she leaves him…He’s done it before, she fears he will do it again. [If he hasn't become physically violent yet, she fears that he will do so]

SOCIETAL PRESSURE: Society has conditioned women to believe their primary duty is to keep the family together no matter what…She would be admitting failure…She may have been successful in other areas of her life and believes that if she works hard enough she can also have a successful relationship or marriage.

LACK OF SUPPORT: Family members are threatened physically... After repeated attempts to help, family may distance themselves from the victim...Friends don’t want to get involved…Isolation from family makes it difficult.

RELIGION: Divorce is not acceptable…Vow was to love, honor, and obey.

EMBARASSMENT, SHAME, GUILT: She doesn’t want her family to find out…If her family likes him, they may not believe her or they might blame her…If she is the wife of a prominent citizen she may worry about how the publicity will effect his reputation, career, and whether people will believe her.

FEELS RESPONSIBLE: She doesn’t know anyone else being beaten, so she must be doing something wrong…She believes what her abusive partner says that somehow it’s all her "fault", therefore he had to beat her.

SURVIVAL IS ALL SHE THINKS ABOUT: All her energy and thoughts are focused on surviving…Formulating a plan to leave is overwhelming…Trauma is similar to that of a prisoner of war who is reduced to the level of mere existence and survival.

HAS NO PLACE TO GO: She may not know about shelters or lack transportation…She has worn out her welcome at mom’s, sister’s, etc.

ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE: Many batterers have strict control over the purse strings…Husband convinces her that she will not receive any child support if she "abandons" the family…Over 50% of victims have no marketable skills…Feels she can endure beatings so that children have more financial advantages.

[An IMPORTANT and too-often-overlooked detail as regards Verbal/Emotional abuse: You can have someone arrested for physical violence; There is no way to legally stop, limit or punish someone who abuses with words]

From Houston police: http://www.houstontx. gov /police/fvu_leave.htm


First of all, many women do leave. Battered women are not passive victims who merely accept the abuse. They are constantly working to stop the violence, and to protect their children from its direct or indirect effects. Sometimes battered women deny or minimize psychological impact of the abuse.

The fact that a battered woman stays with an abuser may reflect the fact that our society has not made it clear that battering is unacceptable, and has not provided sufficient support for the victims of violence to be able to leave.

A woman often stays because, at least in the early stages of the battering, she sincerely hopes that her partner will change, and that the battering will stop.

When it becomes clear that this is not going to happen, she may well try to leave or get help. Her partner may threaten her with even more violence or other hurtful actions if she leaves - and she knows that her partner is capable of carrying out these threats. Many batterers threaten to get a court order for custody of the children if she leaves.

From: http://www. helpingspiritlodge. org/violence.htm#why


There are lots of reasons that it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship. A batterer doesn't usually start hitting his wife or girlfriend out of the blue -- it usually starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse: insulting her and chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically, by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. Usually, violence isn't constant but comes in cycles, with a "honeymoon" period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he's sorry and that it will never happen again. The victim might really love her partner -- she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him.

And there are other factors as well: the victim may fear for her life. She may have financial worries, and fear for the safety of her children.

It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there's violence involved, it can take a whole lot more.

From: http:// www. endabuse. org/qabanners/qadaily/index.php3?Question=17


It's a wonder why we always ask, "Why doesn't she leave?" Instead, we should be asking more appropriate questions such as, "Why does he think it is okay to abuse her and why does our society continue to allow this to happen?"

Myth: The victim can always walk away from the relationship.

Truth: Victims usually do not have any place to go where they will be safe from the abuser. Because of the ongoing history of the abusive relationship, the abuser knows all of the victim’s options and can follow the victim there. Sometimes it’s safer for the victim to stay with the abuser for the time being than try to escape.

From: http://www. ewu. edu /x36674.xml


If that isn't enough, just g00gle the following:

+"why doesn't she leave?" = 601 hits

+"why doesn't she leave" +abuse = 327 hits

+"why doesn't she leave?" +abuse verbal emotional = 57 hits


Just educate yourself, people, the info is out there."

~all of this great info. courtesy of the posts by "YourGirl". my best friend is currently sharing a roof, while between other places to live, with an abusive sadistic ex. this monster will never change and is about to cut off the net, her only way left of contact with others; no phone, t.v. or getting together with friends is allowed, or he throws a violent fit and makes more threats. unfortunately, all of the women like her mother and sister have no self esteem, still tolerate nothing but abuse from their relationships, trying to numb their pain in a 40 oz. bottle of gin and various other daily addictions. they live in denial and hate my best friend for being sober and refusing to settle for what they have. nobody but her sees anything sick and twisted in all of these situations, so it's a solo battle for freedom. don't ever give up, back down or let anyone try to convince you that you deserve this bullshit.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 119 (view)
 
characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath
Posted: 10/7/2006 9:12:58 AM
that's a useful site for info. thanks newguy106. "the mask of sanity" sums it up. almost imperceptible to the average person, these people are the most destructive hateful sick vicious predators out there. don't enable them and watch out for the pathological lies in a perpetual attempt to justify/rationalize lying cheating stealing using and abusing their victims, while usually playing the professional victim role to sway puplic opinion in their favour; just a wolf in sheeps' clothing.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Pathological Liars
Posted: 10/5/2006 6:53:43 AM
my best friend dated a guy like this. he meets all of the criteria in the OP, not good at all.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Does he mean it?
Posted: 10/3/2006 8:19:17 AM
ignore what he says gothik, it's all just a pack of lies and manipulation. leanne is right, once you find a man who really loves you, the difference will be clear and you'll never look back. your ex is all about control, jealousy and insecurity; not love. over the past few weeks my best friend's ex has crossed the line from daily put downs, criticism and tantrums; this is a child trapped in a boy's body, nothing more; to physically shoving, unplugging the pc and tv, hanging up her phone calls, etc. to accompany the threats and bullying. the goal is always to make her believe that he loves her and she can't do any better, lmfao. don't ever buy into this crap. save your soul from destruction, as leanne stated, and find a decent man.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Does he mean it?
Posted: 9/27/2006 7:10:53 AM
this is exactly as adam taylor and other posters have stated. emotional abusers feel nothing but use words to string you along and play on your emotions. good on you op for getting the message and moving on. my best friend has the same kind of ex, who's on this site, cheating, lying and playing games at work all day and having his local girlfriends thread stalk her 24/7. she taped him admitting to all of this relentless abuse gossip lying, etc. and he just gets more hateful, sick and twisted by the minute. all the best in finding a real man who can give you back real love.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
he wants to come back
Posted: 9/21/2006 1:25:51 PM
just be careful. he ran after one silly argument and was caught in a lie? my best friend's ex had pulled that for years; always ready with an excuse and more broken promises. three years later now, he's trying to get her back by going back on meds. and into therapy. in the meantime, it's been nothing but daily lying, cheating, stealing and abuse. i'd move on, jmho.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Do you know people who stay in a relationship solely for the purpose of being in a relationship?
Posted: 9/12/2006 8:05:56 AM
yes, my best friend's sister can't function on her own and is dragging things out until the bitter end with her abusive, alcoholic common law partner. truth be told, they're both full blown nasty drunks, like her whole family, who do nothing but drink, fight, cheat and lie to maintain the insane codependence. neither has the spine to leave the other, despite the non-stop fighting, drunk driving (with his teenage girls and others in the car), etc. these are truly sad, pathetic, miserable people.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Pathological Liars
Posted: 9/6/2006 6:37:59 AM
i feel for anyone who's experienced the pain of being involved with such destructive people. my best friend left behind an ex last year who has this character, and has had to sever all contact with her sister & her supposed "friends", who are all leaning towards the influence of her pathological sibling's influence. she just lies about everything and projects her own bad behaviour onto my girlfriend, then buys their loyalty with money, food and alcohol. they are pitiful, lost souls, but they never change and create far too much drama than they're worth imho. oh yeah, she taped all of their rages and psychotic episodes and made them aware that she's got the recordings stored, in order to protect her reputation and emotional well being. sometimes, dealing with such insanity requires protective counter measures and so ultimately the truth will prevail, holding them accountable for their actions as well.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 49 (view)
 
ever had your privacy invaided
Posted: 6/20/2006 4:33:24 PM
not personally but some of my friends have, but we live by the policy that a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing, so it's no big deal. heck, it would have been easy for my best friend to have hacked her ex like he did to her, but he copped to cheating as he got busted "red handed" several times, while she was true blue. people who can't be trusted tend to project that dishonest, manipulative mindset onto others to get the heat off of themselves imho. now i use one pc and set of email addy's for any incoming harmless stuff, but since it gets port scanned and hacked daily, i have a completely different hard drive and server in another location, with no connection to this one, and use all different email addy's for any outgoing info. that people can't ever track or get ahold of. works like a charm.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Rumours - How do I ....... handle them
Posted: 6/20/2006 4:18:58 PM
nobody with an intellect would pay them any attention imho. bullies are the biggest cowards around and they have nothing better to do with their lives than to try to level those who they are jealous/threatened of or feel inferior to, into the gutter. the only way to keep someone in the gutter is to get right down in there with them and you are too good for that. ignore it and live your life as you see fit. parasites can only get under your skin if you waste time and energy giving them undeserved attn. which is all that they crave. you're smart, damn attractive and have no reason to defend or explain your character to anyone.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Pathological liars how do u spot them and why r certain ppl more easy target??
Posted: 6/20/2006 3:34:05 PM
not to make light of this topic as i'd never bother with someone so mentally ill and dishonest, but if there is an upside here, lol, then what i've noticed is that eventually they do trip up with everyone because they've usually got low iq's and will get confused by their own delusions/projections. even while in the midst of spreading viscious lies and gossip these people have proven to be quite useful in determining who your real friends are in a big hurry. if people who claim to know or care about you at all buy into such sick filth without so much as having the maturity, integrity and loyalty to speak to you directly, then they were never real friends or loved ones to begin with and good riddance to bad characters.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
everytime hes mad....he says get out....but later.......
Posted: 6/20/2006 10:57:21 AM
HB2's right on this one Lady Di, your friend is being emotionally abused and that's far more damaging and insidious than the physical. at least bruises would heal and i hope that she seeks a women's shelter for help. i've helped my best friend through the same ordeal for a long time now. any psychologist will tell you that it takes years of hard work to regain your self worth and trust in others after dating such a monster. he won't even lose one good night's sleep over this woman though. they're almost pitiful creatures really. time to pull the plug on that sick relationship.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Some advice would be great....
Posted: 6/13/2006 5:46:14 PM
this man's character, or rather lack thereof, and behaviour have been eloquently summed up by Leeanne and the checklist in msg. 5 is bang on. there are no excuses and it only gets worse imho.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 10:02:27 AM
no offense ladies, but an alcoholic in recovery can never drink again, ever. aa doesn't create "social drinkers" 'cause if you've got the addiction there's no such thing. your dudes might have "handled" it so far, but they'll end up drunk, dead or in jail for having run over some family while dui inevitably. have any of you studied the disease or the program? read a copy of the big book and wake up. i'd date a guy in recovery if he'd changed his character through working the 12 steps daily. anything less is not sobriety. my poor best friend is the only sober person in her family and is in alanon also now that her mom & aunt are volatile 2 yr. olds who drink gallons of booze a day, her sister's become a carbon copy of her dead father and ex bf, who's advanced stages of alcoholism mimic, and or often misdiagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia. turns out her ex really does have the mental illness 'cause after 9 yrs. sober his symptoms are worse off the meds. roughly 86% of people who use addictions to self-medicate have some mental illness that needs proper treatment also. good luck with educating yourselves. it will come in handy, trust me. ps. right on Ooli, you rock.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
 
can we be friends after dating?
Posted: 6/11/2006 6:16:55 PM
i've been in your shoes a few times and it's very painful to still love someone who doesn't feel the same way back. it might be a good idea to go your own way, without any contact, until you've had time to forgive and to heal your broken heart. good luck with it.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
The No Contact Contract!
Posted: 6/8/2006 10:17:43 AM
how true that we must let go of the past to move on to the future. when anyone who has lied, cheated and/or been abusive in any form, or they buy into such filth and gossip to the point of having no manners, then things like call screen, blocking emails, etc. come in handy. if people would rather be mean and judgemental with no proof or having the maturity to ask the source, that's just contempt prior to investigation and they're not interested in the truth. obviously, the lascivious lies and gossip must be much more fascinating than reality.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
do you get messed around more from net dating or the real world
Posted: 6/8/2006 8:28:51 AM
neither one has to cause any stress or undue pain unless it's self-inflicted. if one is honest, loyal, faithful and trusts their own instincts and perceptions, rather than pay attention to any mindless sheep who will follow the herd into a state of gossip, lies and negativity, then love will find you. don't ever allow others to influence who you are or what you truly believe in. keep your heart and mind open to what's real and once you find it hang on no matter what others say or think or do. life is too short and love is a rare, precious thing which requires constant nurturing, devotion and positive attention in order to survive.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 42 (view)
 
can a cheater change?
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:04:03 AM
the odds would appear to be stacked against this, as it shows a lack of honesty, integrity and loyalty. some of my group went out on tuesday night and my best girlfriend had to sit through a speech given by the last of 5 women that her ex-fiance cheated on her with. in the years since that relationship fell apart, while he's cheated on his other s.o., not one guy has been either loyal or faithful to my girl, which is why she's still single. she'll learn to trust again, but not with those who have already betrayed her. some women will knowingly settle for this, but that won't happen in this case. it's a tough call but i hope things work out.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Dating an ex.
Posted: 6/8/2006 1:02:12 AM
that really depends on the reasons for the breakup. if there were deal-breakers, like lying, cheating, disrespect and a lack of responsibility/willingness to work things out, involved, then the trust and intimacy are fubar imho. it's your call and i wish you all the best.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
What should you have in common? What is most critical?
Posted: 6/6/2006 4:05:52 AM
aside from the list mentioned, there has to be common background/frame of reference, like if you went to boarding school, university, are well travelled and have a world of life experience, it won't work out with some local village redneck, with no class, who is racist, misogynist, homophobic, small minded mentality and no ethics or loyalty whatsoever. just because a guy poses as borderline "white collar", doesn't compensate for their lack of proper upbringing, formal education, and acceptence of people who are different, just imho.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Pathological liars how do u spot them and why r certain ppl more easy target??
Posted: 6/3/2006 5:39:49 PM
that's so true about such people; they do try to "rewrite" history/reality and have to weave lie upon lie upon lie in an attempt to come off in the best possible light. they're really sick and twisted individuals who get so deeply into denial that they start to believe their own lies. i've heard that they will target naive, decent, trusting people in an attempt to become legitimate, which inadvertantly fails and if confronted they'll often lose their temper and move onto their next victim; without empathy or morals, the sociopath sees everyone else as nothing but a feeding tube for the narcissistic supply. they should be avoided at all costs.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
betrayal and mental illness
Posted: 6/3/2006 4:07:29 AM
there's no connection between the two whatsoever. people who lie and cheat know exactly what they're doing, but have no character or conscience to bother them at all.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
 
recent experience with a predator
Posted: 6/3/2006 3:51:46 AM
there is a local profile on this site of a guy who has numerous identities and is abusive and just out of the local psych. ward. he keeps hitting the "report user" button 24/7 on anyone who tells the truth, even though they've broken no laws; just a professional victim. thanks for the advice of calling the police; it had never occurred to me that they would like to get involved.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Feeling rather Bitter here-what ever happened to Karma?
Posted: 5/31/2006 5:39:25 PM
karma will work in it's own good time. kinda thought that helping it along might negate it, so you could always dig a hole in the backyard and email his pic to every biker on you've met online, lol jk.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
actions or words ????
Posted: 5/31/2006 3:44:59 PM
words are meaningless without actions to back them up. it's easy to talk the talk but unless there is congruency between the two, the words are clearly just words, nothing real.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Normal Man Behaviour?!
Posted: 5/29/2006 4:06:30 PM
thanks for making such a great point teri. i've never been married, but i greatly admire your insight and the unconditional love and support that you gave without personalizing the attacks. that must have been very hard; i don't believe that relationships and/or people are disposable either. so many people don't want to stay and work things out, and bail unless it's sunshine and roses 24/7, which isn't humanly possible. i have dated some men who had the same anger and abuse issues as your hubby, but this being an internet "singles" site, i would never advise anyone to jump ship 'cause i'm not in their shoes and don't know them personally. hopefully they take most of the advice with a grain of salt also. of course what we've all been through has had an effect, but as you stated, the person we love has to want to get help 'cause we can't force them to do so. that's really the key to any resolution no?
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Normal Man Behaviour?!
Posted: 5/28/2006 5:39:40 AM
hey lost, i hope that things work out for you and this man that you love so dearly, which is obvious. like others have stated, most of us have been through traumatic childhoods and although that's a mitigating factor in his emotional problems, it's no excuse for being abusive and running away from responsibility. i've met guys like this too, who are very scarred and damaged people, but you've got to protect yourself unless and until this guy gets the proper professional help. staying and making excuses would only enable the misplaced blame for how they feel, which is not your fault. good luck in finding some happiness and peace.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Need advice.....(cheaters)
Posted: 5/25/2006 5:13:23 PM
i've never been in your shoes exactly, but some of my friends went through similarly painful mistreatment in past relationships. these guys are only gonna change from bad to worse and if you let them walk all over you than that's what they'll do. you get what you settle for and nobody deserves this crap. my best girlfriend was where you are last year and now she's indifferent to the point of having a new man and wishing her ex would get married and move to alaska for all she cares. how did she get here? almost a year of hard work, women's groups, therapy, leaning on her friends and family until she realized that what she had been grieving the loss of was not real love or a decent man, but rather the idea of what could have/should have been, based upon his lies and manipulations. she even called him once a few months ago, and just hearing his voice on the machine made her physically sick and all of her convictions jelled into that much stronger a determination that she never deserved, nor could she ever settle for, a guy who is not loving, honest or faithful. all the best.
p.s. except my friend's never dated someone else's man, like the op. not that i'm judging; just thought i should clarify that.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Would you enter into a relationship with a person in Recovery?
Posted: 5/25/2006 4:37:34 PM
of course, provided that they were actually in recovery and working the 12 steps in their life, and not just on a dry drunk. my best gf is quite involved both in her own community as well as taking part in online meetings for years now. it's a great way to meet amazing people from all over the world and to get their feedback on what's going on in her journey. it's cool.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
To keep or not to keep a best Friend ?
Posted: 5/24/2006 5:33:58 PM
oh hun, this is no kind of friend whatsoever. no matter what the blood ties are between you both, she is a toxic, ruthless, selfish person that is jealous, bitter and deliberately hurting your feelings, spreading negative lies and gossip, and sabotaging your friendships and romantic relationships with men. it's not easy to cut off all contact, but what other option is there? some people are too sick to have in our lives and they may live forever in denial. you don't owe kindness, compassion and tolerance to anyone who is nothing but a crazy-maker. the cost of such a relationship is far too high a price to pay. good luck.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
The sudden turnaround...
Posted: 5/23/2006 5:06:27 PM
i think that some people feel more safe and secure behind their monitors, or over the phone, and tend to choke when the first meet comes up. so sorry for your disappointment, but it's got nothing to do with you. you're perfectly gorgeous, have a great proflie and any female would be lucky to have found you. i've learned one thing about dating that might be applicable; when someone says they're unworthy of you and can't make you happy, it's been my experience to listen to them 'cause it's the truth. keep ya chin up and happy fishin'.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
fear of risk taking leads to a boring life.
Posted: 5/23/2006 4:56:19 AM
to be crippled by irrational fear to the point of d.e.n.i.a.l. of one's feelings and complete despair and isolation, is to have no life worth living. there's a limitless spectrum of healthy, rational fears, which can range from calculated risks to acceptable caution. what we believe in or expect is a self-fulfilling prophecy. one can only gauge whether to roll the dice based on life experiences and gut intuition, making the best decision for us with the info. we've believed to be the truth at the time; should this prove false and we get hurt then so be it. to be bitter, cyncial and jaded is a choice, to isolate and justify being alone is also our call. i'm not advocating reckless abandon and yes, i've been hurt a great deal in my life, but refuse to lose faith in myself or other people as a result. we're resilient and life goes on whether we chose to take part in it or not.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
It's what's on the INSIDE that counts
Posted: 5/22/2006 1:07:18 PM
of course this is the case. the better a person treats us the more "attractive" they become, just as, conversely, the worse they treat us the more "ugly" they become, imho.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
fear of risk taking leads to a boring life.
Posted: 5/22/2006 1:02:59 PM
those who fear nothing, love nothing and have nothing to lose. our hearts should never be governed by irrational fear.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Negative Men
Posted: 5/21/2006 6:16:29 PM
ouch, sorry for what you've been through cutey pie. unfortunately there are negative people of both genders all over the place. i'd never judge by online, ie. profiles, forums, chats, etc. alone. it's too easy for some to pretend to be what they're not. regardless of in whatever medium this guy put you down, it's just wrong, inexcusable behaviour. there's sometimes some underlying fear and insecurity that brings out peoples' rage on anyone who crosses their path; just trying to bring you down to their level, the gutter, so pay it no mind and best of luck.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Women who left Verbal/Emotional Abusers...
Posted: 5/21/2006 4:51:23 PM
Although I've never been friends with, nor have I ever dated an abusive person of any sort, I have witnessed the pain it has caused firsthand in some of my closest girlfriends. All I can do is offer them unconditional love and support and must commend all who have overcome such circumstances for your strength, courage and hope. Abusers must feel very small.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 30 (view)
 
What is Most Important in Life???
Posted: 5/21/2006 11:03:19 AM
There are far too many to list here, but I value my family and friends above all else. Each day I ask myself if I've been kind and loving to those that I care about. Some of my female friends have been involved with some not very nice characters, so I read all that I can to understand and will be there for them no matter how long it takes for them to land on their feet again; without any judgement or conditions attached. Loyalty is a priceless quality.
 hello_kitty
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Why do you read Forums?
Posted: 5/21/2006 5:28:27 AM
Since I've been on this site, reading these forums has revealed invaluable insight into human nature. It's an interesting microcosm of group dynamics and glimpse into the human psyche.
 
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