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 Author Thread: He's been caught
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 110 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/12/2014 4:46:46 PM
Maleman999:

Wow. That's quite the catch EricTheBrave.


I’ll take an abuse survivor over an abuser any day!
(And a “snooper” over a liar, for that matter. To each his or her own.)

Insult abusers instead of those they abuse?
Such compassion.
No wonder it’s so hard for them to leave.

Stigmatization of victims aids abusers.

Over and out.
 Midwest_southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 108 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/12/2014 1:58:20 PM

It's not even infatuation, it hasn't gotten that far, you have to at least like someone to be infatuated, but OP is talking about someone she didn't even like from the beginning, she just wanted to like him, she knew he was not someone to date, but she wanted him to be someone to date. You can't keep blaming the people you can't make into your fantasy, for not being that, you can only blame yourself


True. True for BOTH OP and the guy. They both did it. And even IF he was upset that she “snooped” (he might not have been and might have felt guilty when caught in deception, we don’t know) he was just as stupid as she was to go so fast. We have to sure to spread the butter evenly. Don’t go into faux-relationships and then get indignant and point fingers in either direction.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 121 (view)
 
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/11/2014 12:08:39 PM

C'mon. Is this so hard to figure out?

No. She’s not interested or busy.
He’s got dashed expectations, I guess, not handled in a gentlemanly manner. (i.e. entitlement and bad temper)
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 116 (view)
 
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/11/2014 10:19:50 AM

Nope, this is only true for the same ***holes/ douchebag types that I was discussing earlier. Most guys are super impressed when a women approaches, it shows she is independent and ambitious. Some women seem to think guys are "turned off" by aggressive women, but I have no idea where that perception comes from, if anything, I'm so impressed when a woman actually comes and talks to me that I become way more interested in her than I was before.


Gotta agree with this! In my experience, it’s a way to determine if you’ve found a strong guy- maybe the most efficient way. If some guy draws the wrong conclusions, or treats you the wrong way, you can cross that one off quickly as a faux-alpha or ***hole/ douchebag type.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Being a rocker/metalhead - lying to her/myself (on topic)
Posted: 2/11/2014 10:08:22 AM
The real question is do you want to attract MORE women, or just find one? It’s important to know, or decide. It’s much easier to be yourself at all levels and find one who fits and loves and accepts you than it is to appeal to many. And that’s not even about appearance.
You know, this reminds me of something people used to say in the 70’s: “let your freak flag fly.” I think it originally meant to be openly and honestly different or distinctive, but it came to mean, no matter who and how you are, show people; don’t fake it. (But then the 80’s came… lol.)
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 101 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/11/2014 8:37:14 AM
It is quite common, actually.

There have been women who have shared my bed, yet not seen my stock portfolio or bank account details. It never arose in conversation and on occasion the relationship ended without certain details being further discussed. My educated guess is there are LOTS of people here who have experienced things quite similarly.


I don’t think it’s wise, but if you (or lots of people) choose to assume that risk, that’s your choice. (You’ve changed your argument from looking at your phone and social media activity to going into your financial accounts. I guess that depends on whether those are accessible to someone you let into your house. I’ll proceed on the assumption of foreseeable access to materials they believe they have a privacy right to- whatever it might be.)

It’s clear that different people draw different conclusions about what sexual intimacy means in terms of transparency, emotional intimacy, exclusivity and commitment. No one in this conversation can claim ignorance of that. If people don’t “set rules” (discuss what they mean and intend) neither can claim a universal code or set of rules or assumptions.

With one exception, my partners and I who invited each other to stay in our homes and were sexually involved had the same code and had year-plus relationships of mutual commitment, exclusivity and transparency. That code and mindset was present in both of us from the beginning, so we each entered sexual intimacy on the same page. Shared codes are the ideal regardless of which code you live by. But no one can just assume that or count on it.

Only once did I have a sexual/open-home relationship with someone who did not share my code about sexual intimacy, commitment, emotional intimacy and exclusivity. But he lied. That’s different. Ambiguity, assumptions and misunderstanding weren’t the issue. (More on that below, though.) Deception to induce sexual intimacy, is quite different from ambiguity. If someone lies, he or she has created the other person’s confusion, and would be a fool to not expect confusion and even anger from the person lied to. In law, it’s referred to as “assumption of risk” or even “clean hands,” which is similar to hypocrisy. “Don’t ask the court to rule in your favor if you don’t have clean hands”, or, “Only the righteous can claim righteous indignation.”

But I think we’re talking about ambiguity and a mutual LACK of clarity and directness. In my experience, people don’t have much sympathy for anger or outrage where someone has been ambiguous either. Anyone with any street smarts knows the risks they assume if they proceed in an ambiguous situation.

I avoid ambiguity by asking outright, using clear words. So the only situations I’ve encountered were (1) mutual understanding and agreement/ same code, (2) disagreement or avoidance/ not proceeding, (3) deceit/ you made your own bed, so don’t cry about it. That makes things much easier.

Confident-Realist, you make sense to me, even when we don't agree. And we’re from the same general area and type of community. I’m from Kzoo and A2. Since I moved to a different community- southwest/large urban area- I’ve encountered far more people (but certainly not all) that viewed things differently than I do, that have different codes. It's just interesting it’s bolstering something that I’d begun to suspect- but won’t make assumptions about! lol
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 89 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/10/2014 8:08:38 PM

The real question is why does it bother some of the regular posters here that she snooped on a new guy to see if he was walking his talk when it felt a bit amiss?

That’s a good point, and I keep wondering why someone would bring anyone into their bed and home if they weren’t open to him or her. It seems backward to me. Or like they just want to get what they can from the other person, that person’s openness and vulnerability, but withhold their own. But I think I view a sexual relationship very differently than some. Maybe they expect that the other person is withholding too, and sex came before openness?
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Being a rocker/metalhead - lying to her/myself (on topic)
Posted: 2/10/2014 8:01:22 PM
I agree. You have to be yourself.
To turn it around, you can only attract someone who likes you if you present yourself as you are.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 88 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/10/2014 7:55:21 PM
I wouldn’t care. As I’ve already said, if we’re to the point that I’m sleeping with him and inviting him into my home and life, I’m already far more concerned about him and his worries than I am about my cell phone log or underwear drawer. Just different ways of being in a relationship, I guess. Pick the type that suits you.
 Midwest_southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 85 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/10/2014 6:27:14 PM
It’s about privacy, invasion of privacy, data acquisition. I just thought it was interesting to consider. But you do distinguish between government and a boyfriend/girlfriend, see them as very different, unrelated. I was just wondering. No big deal.
 Midwest_southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 83 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/10/2014 6:11:39 PM
Eric,
Since privacy and invasion of privacy are such a point of concern for you, how do you feel about the government having the power to gather data about you from your email, phone records and social media activity?
Do you believe that they should not be able to do it at all?
That they should have to obtain a warrant to do so (and therefore show probably cause) to do it?
Or do you believe that they should have the right to gather all metadata or more without a warrant?
And if so, should they be able to gather content as well?
Ultimately, does it matter to you who gathers your data? Does it matter what their motive is?
Just curious.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Too shy to date
Posted: 2/10/2014 3:42:53 PM
Don’t worry if its normal or not. Since it is making you unhappy or frustrated, maybe consider doing some counseling or therapy. Find a therapist who addresses anxiety, maybe even ask him or her about group therapy at some point while you’re working on it.

There’s a good book about introverts called, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. There are lots of introverts in the world, and lots of introverts on the internet, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that internet dating is comfortable for introverts, or shy people. Many introverts watch and size up environments, situations and people for a while before acting or speaking, and internet dating can feel liking jumping into something blindly, or nearly blindly. Anyway, just my thoughts and I could blather on for a while about it, but I recommend the book.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 77 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/10/2014 8:42:51 AM
Who dates someone they dont trust???


Usually people who override their intuitive (or conscious) system for something, such as a trait or traits, that they value. A red flag means “stop.” But many people will weigh traits, or ignore or override red flags, if the other person has traits that they value highly.

For example, think of how many men will date a gorgeous and sexually available woman even though she’s a "little" nuts, has a "kind of sketchy" lifestyle, or is “a little” dishonest. Those traits would cause them to stop immediately if she didn’t have the traits they seek most. But if she has the desired trait or traits, they’ll shift their thinking to weighing traits, so they can marginalize the bad and hang on to the good bits, rather than stop.

Once you move into weighing mode (easy to do if you tell yourself you're being "fair," giving someone a chance- god knows, it’s bad to be judgmental), you've made your override decision. It takes a while for the scales to shift and the negative trait outweighs the desired traits. THEN they see that they overrode the red flags. I'm sure not saying it's good! But it isn't that rare. It’s helpful to figure out what traits you'll move into weighing mode for, or override for.


Im so glad Im past the age where I worry if Ill be percieved as mean


Me too! Or "unfair" or "judgmental."
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 72 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/9/2014 6:33:48 PM
It's possible her picker is not broken and she is picking good guys, but she ends up chasing them away with poor behavior. But we're just hearing her version of what happened.


That’s true of every thread, and every post for that matter.

Once you start assuming facts not in evidence, there’s another agenda at work… or boredom. You COULD **speculate** that OP is a woman dating only fundamentalist Mormon men who are polygamists. Things do get boring since the activity in the forums has decreased so much.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 70 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/9/2014 6:04:46 PM

if he/she has reached the point of secretly examining the partner's cellphone there is even a faint glimmer the fledgling relationship will succeed


I really wouldn't be upset. Not at all. (Though I'm not sure how early "fledging" is.) I would talk to him about what worries him. I've dated a couple of guys who were concerned about how many men I worked with, and that I sometimes work weekends and nights when there are big projects. If he's concerned, I want to address his concerns.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 61 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/9/2014 12:59:45 PM
Christ on a Crutch:

at the core of so many of these crash and burn stories is a frantically impatient person who thought he or she could skip the courtship - that period of investigation - and go straight to emotional intimacy.


And know whether sexual intimacy equals emotional intimacy for you, or if the two are inextricably intertwined for you. For many people, the two are intertwined, and those folks- I’m one- need to take lots of time before becoming sexually involved. Too often people who don’t have and can’t do the “just sex” attitude succumb, and betray themselves by doing so. Frantic impatience, succumbing to pressure or believing that *this time* you can stay detached? Don't do it if love, or emotional intimacy, and sex are intertwined for you.

ProcolHarem:

If someone I was dating felt compelled to snoop through my phone or through my dresser drawers ot other personal items whenever I worked late or went out with friends from work, her azz would be out the door faster that she could imagine.


And this is why this kind of stuff needs to be made clear from the beginning. If it gets to the point that we’re having sex and he’s sleeping at my house, we are already at the final stage of emotional intimacy and transparency, as far as I’m concerned. My phone, computer, and drawers are far less private and personal than my body and sexual relationship with someone. He already knows, or is welcome to find out if he's insecure about it, what's in the phone, computer, drawers, medicine cabinet.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 126 (view)
 
Why did you choose Plenty of Fish? Thoughts on other Dating Sites?
Posted: 2/9/2014 9:05:19 AM
I’m at POF for the forums now, but my favorite site for dating is OK C because the answers to the questions the provide show how someone thinks and feels.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Has your type evolved over time?
Posted: 2/9/2014 8:31:38 AM
No, I’ve just become more aware of what it has always been. I went through a period when I dated people who were not a good fit at all, in the belief that I was being open-minded and flexible. That was a bad idea. The type of men I dated in high school and college are still the best type for me.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 55 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/8/2014 12:45:54 PM
I can't believe the number of posts I see from women who think they're entitled to do this. If you can't trust a guy and feel the need to do this, it's over already. Just dump him.


This is a recurring topic on the forums and there’s always a divergence of opinions about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that this really ought to be part of early conversations about what people actually mean when they talk about relationship, exclusivity, commitment, open book, privacy, and so on. So often we make assumptions about what someone means by any of those words and then, after some attachment has formed, we’re aghast that they didn’t mean what we meant. Time, conversation and observation of actions are needed before reaching decisions about who we should trust and welcome into our hearts, homes and lives.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Why dont guys like girls who like football?
Posted: 2/8/2014 10:41:32 AM
Campfires: Great description! I laughed all the way through it, because it’s so familiar. I love dating guys like the gal you were dating! So funny. It makes me just love how different and weird we all are, with our own quirky stuff. Indeed, to each their own, and vive la difference.


Damn, I wished you lived closer to me - it sure would have been nice to have a shoulder to cry on this season.

My ex is an actually a dOSU fan. It made The Game that much more fun to watch - and it only took the loser 8 hours to get over it when the game was over.

Go Blue.


Ah, Blue crystal planet… yeah… tears and angst. The Game was amazing this year, so much more than I expected. It’s great that you and your ex watched it together. Move to the US (hard sell, but…) and you’ll find Blues everywhere. I found my little bit of the tribe at a Michigan bar in my town. Autumn Saturdays there are like being home. You can cry on my shoulder any day, though I hope none of us will be crying next year.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 35 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/7/2014 12:39:30 PM

There's a very simple solution to figuring out if a man is a liar or the real deal....WAIT TO HAVE SEX.

That’s really it.


so what's with the man-hate post?

It isn’t a man hate post. She’s sick of dating liars, and she only dates men, so the liars she’s dated are men. It’s math. Man or woman, it is A-OK to be angry when you find out you’ve been scammed. So, you learn.

I’ve done lots of domestic violence work in my day and this new, “weeelllll, it’s REALLY YOUR fault” or “look at yourself” paradigm in self-help books and psycho-babble these days is really bad, dangerous. The ONLY people who look within are the good and nice people, not the liars and users. Leave as soon as you see s/he’s a liar. Learn to spot the signs of undesirable character.

Liars and users shirk responsibility, shift blame and try to obscure the fact that they lied, scammed, were cagey in their wording or delivery, or whatever. They thrive in their self-satisfied hair-splitting and parsing. “It takes two to tango,” right? No. Not right. People who fudge on this stuff sure don’t say, “It takes two to tango” when they get robbed, do they? “You shouldn’t have parked your car there. You’re part of the problem.” “Analysis paralysis” (or drama addiction) is bad, and liars and users looooove it.

Just say good bye and lock the door. If it’s been one date, three weeks, three months, three or thirty years, leave someone who mistreats you or is dishonest. There is no complexity in it, and beware of anyone who wants you to believe there is.


Do you have any proof he phucked anyone?

Is “phucking”’ really the standard of worthiness of a potential mate? Cuz if it is, that is a mighty low bar.


But to the original point of the thread... yeah, if a guy is still active on a dating site and freinding people after two months, he has no integrity...

Thank you, thank you, thank you usmale6. An insightful, reasoned, and gender-neutral response that implicitly recognizes that heterosexual people date people of the opposite sex.


At some point in your life, you have to learn to end things when you don't feel that way you want to feel. As soon as you become suspicious, realize this is not a feeling you want to have (even if you imagined it all), and end the relationship. For your sake and his, learn to value, respect, and appreciate yourself enough to walk away from those who do not treat you or make you feel the way you want to feel.

People are who they are, there is nothing you can do about it other than choose other people to be with. This is not only true of relationships, but also friendships.


So true. And co-workers, bosses, employees, too. Well, people! There are good and there are bad, and it can be tricky figuring out which are which. So take lots of time.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 89 (view)
 
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/7/2014 10:23:28 AM
I agree with Scottish here, except on one point: “Each man has to find his own mixture of agressive pursuit and gentle persuasion.” Another alternative is for people, men and women, to enjoy and discover who a person is rather than pursue or persuade. Agenda can cloud judgment, for men and women.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 21 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/7/2014 8:38:43 AM
OP:

Even when you catch them in the act they continue to lie and lie and lie.


He lied to her.

I’m sure that guy will be fine. He can date women who are okay with his lifestyle or who like the drama. He doesn’t need to be protected. That’s codie.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 18 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/7/2014 8:14:15 AM

Skeeziix, just to ensure we are all being entirely clear here with this analysis:
* Your phone is entirely cleared of any and all men you dated in the recent past with all their numbers deleted?
* You would be cool if your boyfriend surreptitiously reviewed your browser history while you were in the shower?
* Your POF profile was earlier modified to ensure readers knew you were exclusive with a man and not looking?


That is one analysis, but not mine and not necessarily anyone else’s.

OP, you know your boyfriend lied to you. Be done. 100% done. And chalk it up to a lesson learned. I recommend not having a conversation about it, because it is classic for a wrongdoer to attempt to “share the blame” or shift responsibility to you. That's just an ego-protection ploy. Be done and don’t sit around to hear the crying spell or diversion tactics. And really, what does it matter what a liar says anyway? You already know he lies! lol

I had a boyfriend (or so I thought- lol) do that once and I just sat there silently and watched him rant. When he stopped and asked for my response, I said, “have some class.” I thought he might implode.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 13 (view)
 
He's been caught
Posted: 2/7/2014 7:04:34 AM
I have a "broken picker" apparently I just have this innate ability to find men who lie and act devious. I feel so lost anymore. How am I ever going to find someone who isn't a lying loser? You never figure this shit out until after you're invested. Breaks my heart. Makes me feel worthless, ugly, and insecure. I am so sick of being hurt.


There are honest people and dishonest people. This is a lesson in what they look like and how to detect them. Take LOTS of time before deciding someone is honest or dishonest and whether he is worthy of your time and love. Really- take a long time watching what someone is like, in a variety settings and situations, before getting attached.

And don’t beat yourself up for having emotionally invested in someone who mistreated you. Wrongdoing belongs to the wrongdoer. That’s why we prosecute people who do wrong- at least when it comes to money! Lol. People who commit financial fraud are prosecuted, right? So the lying belongs to him. The learning to detect liars and staying away from them belongs to you. You’ll do it.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Why dont guys like girls who like football?
Posted: 2/6/2014 11:42:09 AM
When I had a profile, I stated that I like two certain teams, not to woo or wow men, but to note those particular teams. No matter how much I love him, I would not be able to spend certain days of the year with an Ohio State football fan, for instance. Some contacted me, and the issue of “those certain days” was addressed at the beginning. Being similarly devoted fans to our respective teams, we understood that those would have to be relationship-black-out days. That said, I never encountered a guy who was a college football fan or NHL fan who didn’t like that I was. Only the guys who didn’t like to watch sports didn’t like that about me. Some guys have been surprised that I have gamecenter on my phone but haven’t seemed to be revolted. My 22 year old daughter is also a big college football fan and a devoted NHL Wings fan and it seems to make guys more positive about her. She's dated football players and hockey players that really like it, probably because she understands what they're talking about.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Did you start a new relationship? Outcome
Posted: 2/2/2014 9:29:17 AM

I only know from BEING a guy with too much baggage to consider another relationship... that it is indeed possible for a guy to have too much baggage.


Oh, me too! lol.
Sounds like OP's guy just pulled back to get perspective, which isn't a bad idea.
" You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?.... My God! What have I DONE?!?!" lol!
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Best Match
Posted: 1/31/2014 9:05:45 AM

Bradley Cooper. Cause he's just so damn sexy!
or Adam Levine. Cause he's just so damn sexy and can sing to me.
Ryan Gosling could get it too.
That's all.


That’s great!
With a personality that blends the Dalai Lama, Al Franken and David Corn.
Of course he exists! lol
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Anxiety About Getting to Know/Dating Guys on POF
Posted: 1/31/2014 8:58:41 AM

He already has ditched me and hasn't talked to me all day event though I sent him a two messages. He has just been on the dating site but like I said before he hasn't texted me back even though he was so eager to hang out with met tonight. This is why I don't trust because if I do a little bit I just get hurt.


It happens quite a bit. Don’t "trust", expect or attach to someone, anyone, until you've spent quite a long time doing things together. Find out who he is and what he’s like first.
Many people come on strong and do the initial every day texting and calls, long seemingly heart-felt conversations, faux-relationship talk- acting like they have a relationship well before they do, or even could. It is not real connection. It’s more like a high in their own heads that doesn’t have anything to do with the other person. It’s often more of a warning than a positive trait.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Phony profiles & photos
Posted: 1/31/2014 8:25:40 AM

I just come across them occasionally when I have some spare time.

Is this really something that is irksome to the folks here??


No. I look, too, even though I’m not dating and I don’t contact anyone. There’s one guy that I look at and say, “My my my… gorgeous!” So sue me. Maybe view the enticing profiles as nice to look at, without assuming anything or anyone is real, or what they claim to be, on the internet. Lying and manipulation are rampant. At least the obvious fakes are detectable at a first meeting. It’s the sickos and pros at manipulation who are not obviously fake who are more dangerous.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 8 (view)
 
projection from previous relationship
Posted: 1/26/2014 2:21:11 PM
OP, you’re figured out the antidote- go very slowly, and get to know someone well before getting sexually involved. Since going fast is epidemic on the internet, you might have some drift away. Pfft. Let ‘em go. Beware of the fast movers and the ones that flood you with attention and affection.


<div class="quote"> Sadly, there are far too many "Me Woman, Me Victim" types on POF…
Yeah, there are men like this too. Martha Stout says, in The Psychopath Next Door, that one of the universal traits of psychopaths is that they have a “sad story” to elicit sympathy. They use the victim posture as a ruse, as a smokescreen, to make you think they are not predators or users at some level. I’m not saying that all sad-story people are necessarily psychopaths, but one has to wonder why someone would tell you their sad story other than to elicit sympathy. So, go slowly.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 53 (view)
 
When should a mature lady become more proactive?
Posted: 1/25/2014 9:06:46 AM
You can’t possibly know if he’s terrific or not yet. You don’t know him.
He doesn’t seem to be as excited about, or interested in, seeing each other as you are. I wouldn’t want that.
As to the fling idea, while I’m not against flings theoretically, I don’t see how it would be possible to have a fling with this man without being hurt since you’re so emotionally invested in him.
I’d stop contacting him. I wouldn’t be proactive. Not any more.
IF he contacts you, watch and listen for a good long while (I mean lots of hours, several dates or events together) to see if this is a sincere caring person who cares about YOU before deciding if he is a terrific person for you. I think he’s going to disappear, but I could be wrong.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Does marriage change people who have previoulsy lived together for years?
Posted: 1/24/2014 3:19:47 PM
I like ceremonies and rituals. They mean something to me. I like christenings, birthday and holiday celebrations especially when they have traditions included, award ceremonies (cry sometimes during the Olympic ones), graduations, weddings, funerals (well, don’t “like” them but feel they are important). I even like the symbolism of certain rituals like religious services, and always took roses on opening night to one of my daughter’s plays. But, if someone doesn’t value ceremony or ritual I wouldn’t think a wedding would make any difference to him or her one way or the other.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 286 (view)
 
Biggest Pet Peeves for online dating
Posted: 1/24/2014 2:32:49 PM
Iteration, haha. Urban Dictionary deserves to be defined by Yahoo Answers. Perfect package.

Dragon, Ah, but “independent / secure / problem solver” can also be called cold, ball-buster, emasculator. Hahaha! You're right it's subjective. Bless the men who like low maintenance women, by your definition.

Gotta say I’m impressed by the number of words and terms men have come up with to describe women. It could kind of be flattering, all that thought and energy.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 281 (view)
 
Biggest Pet Peeves for online dating
Posted: 1/24/2014 12:26:21 PM

Has higher than normal expectations; has a greater requirement for affection or attention; has more needs and/or demands and therefore more difficult or challenging.

Doesn't equate to money or material possessions alone but may be needy in emotional attention and affection; picky, bratty, likes things her way, takes pride in her appearance, finicky. Usually very well put together and usually independent therefore requiring a lot out of a man to keep up with her.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=High%20Maintenance%20Women


That last part doesn’t make sense. Her being picky, finicky, well put together and independent doesn’t require anything from a man. He doesn’t need to “keep up with her” unless he wants to or thinks he has to. Of course, I suppose even saying that makes me difficult or challenging, which in itself makes you think.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Long Post - Stay or go.
Posted: 1/24/2014 10:35:17 AM
Go. There is no point in continuing in a relationship that you find draining and that has so many problems. And in the future, don’t call a girlfriend names. Take a breath, calm down and choose silence. Many (maybe even most) people will walk away immediately if you called them names.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 68 (view)
 
Best way to get over an ex..
Posted: 1/23/2014 10:22:25 PM
I read something today that was interesting- that sometimes when we don’t get over a relationship, we’re holding on to our ability to love, our loving selves, as much or more than we’re holding on to that person or that relationship. That makes sense to me. So maybe be loving to yourself and others in general would fulfill the need or desire to love, and that person or relationship will become a less important piece of the story. It’s worth a try.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 8 (view)
 
BEST first meet?
Posted: 1/23/2014 10:07:24 PM
This is fun to remember. He definitely exceeded my expectations. He was at the restaurant first and stood up when we recognized each other. We both smiled immediately, talked and laughed easily, were on the same page on many things, were interested in the differences, had the same sense of humor. We went out again a few days later and were a couple for over 2 years, despite being long distance most of it.
OP, I hope it goes (or went) well!
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 56 (view)
 
4 years of POF dating experiences this month
Posted: 1/23/2014 3:05:49 PM
Being in a band is a big commitment. A second job basically. It adds to my income and quality of life tremendously. What is all this stereotyping for? Look at those pics, do I look like a heavy metal rocker to you? I'm a blues and country harmonica player. That is a much more laid back atmosphere joint.

Think blues and jazz clubs and the occasional honky tonk. These are FUN places to go and hang out in. My friends are all wonderful, clean cut people especially my country band. Lord they're always trying to get me to the go to church and play gospel with them.


Fair enough. But you are decreasing the chances of finding a mate. The stereotyping that I referred to is relevant to how or whether you attract people. If you have an extremely narrow set of traits, you are going to appeal to only a narrow pool of women. By your description of the women you’ve encountered (emotionally unstable, heavy drinking or druggie), it does seem that the problem you’re having is quite consistent with the stereotype.

What I’m saying is that other people DO make associations, so you have to put other things in there to show that you are not JUST the stereotype. Believe me. My profession is just as stereotyped as musicians are and I KNOW that lots of men want nothing to do with a litigation attorney (what stereotype just popped into your head?) because of the stereotype. Oh, I can cry all I want about how unfair it is, but it isn’t going to get me a mate.

So let that go and accept it. Being defensive or angry about the way things are doesn’t shift anything. Demonstrate that you aren’t JUST a bar-guy/cool musician, and you’ll have better luck at attracting emotionally stable women.

I just saw this:

You have no ideahow romance rich, or poor, my life outside of one or two general experiences I shared is. You are assuming that I am turning to POF as something more than just a way to expand my already plentiful dating options.

So, there isn't a problem.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 50 (view)
 
4 years of POF dating experiences this month
Posted: 1/23/2014 1:11:32 PM
OP, I think you’d have better luck if you put more interests and activities in your profile because, as it is, it seems as though music, bars and concerts is all you do and all you are. Only a small portion of people are going to be as interested in music as you are, so give people something else to connect to. Also, with the old “sex, drugs and rock and roll” association, it makes sense that women who drink and do drugs would be attracted to the life you describe, and that some might be turned off by it because they aren’t as into it as you are.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 115 (view)
 
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 1/22/2014 8:43:02 AM

soulsmilin- Controlling types are also excellent liars and deceivers.
Try not to beat yourself up too much, what matters is that you leave when you recognize it and don't look back.
There aren't always signs, but sometimes there are, some things to look for:
Moving too fast-One date and you are the best thing that happened since sliced bread, they want all your spare time and call/ text a lot because they care just oh so much.
Rude/dismissive behavior- they are short with others and treat people in public service jobs like dirt (pay attention on dinner dates how they talk to waiters/waitresses).
Self centered- No one is as "me centered" as a control freak. Everything is about them. They expect you to listen to them and be there, but when you need them to do the same, they bail.
I hope that helps. Better luck in the future.


This is really good.

One thing I’ve seen is that the bad eggs- men or women- don’t react well to disagreement or differences of opinion, even on general topics of conversation. They get a sour face or bristle if you disagree or have a different perspective, or they actually argue with you if you have a different your opinion. They're emotionally brittle. Whereas the good eggs are interested in how the two of you are different and are curious and conversational, not oppositional or combative.

The trick is not attaching too quickly and overlooking the signs because he seems to have enough “other” positive traits. I've made that mistake, and it is really just desperation and being willing to compromise yourself. Gotta stop that quickly if you start doing it.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 44 (view)
 
When do you give up on a new relationship?
Posted: 1/22/2014 8:27:06 AM
I’d give up on the first break up, for sure.

But before a break up, I give up if it has become clear over time that we’re not going to be a compatible match, with lifetime potential.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 20 (view)
 
4 years of POF dating experiences this month
Posted: 1/22/2014 8:21:18 AM
I completely agree with LiterateHiker and Outmind.

I’d guess that most “emotionally stable” (your words) women in their late 20’s and 30’s have reached a stage in their lives where they're much more serious about long term plans and goals. One of my daughters is in that age group and she and all of her friends are serious about career development, in married or cohabiting relationships, buying houses, and/or having children at this stage. They’re already doing “long haul” not “a mile or two” which is what you say you're seeking. It’s natural at that stage of life.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Should I try again?
Posted: 1/20/2014 3:49:16 PM

If you'd TRULY be colder than a block of ice to her, you would never have even bothered posting this thread. That's a campy attitude a guy keeps around his buddies to not appear soft. Lose it.

Amen. And same response to pretty much all that Danimal said.


Seriously, folks, anyone on a dating website should stop wasting time about whether they're seeming "desperate." If you're on a dating web-site, you ARE.
ED BEAR

HAHAHA! So true. That's gotta be my favorite post ever.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 6 (view)
 
My real age is this age, I can't change it now.
Posted: 1/19/2014 8:40:24 AM
I changed my mind about this after my 82 year old mother told me to lie about my age if I joined an online dating site. She had read an article for women in their 50’s that recommended that they lie about their age choose 48 or 49 rather than anything in the 50’s. I didn’t take the advice but now I can see why someone would lie about her age- or his age- with advice like that being published. I’d be a bit more forgiving about it than I used to be.
When I was dating here, I met four or five men in a row who had the wrong age on their profile. I was really surprised. But, as wordsmith said, they wanted younger women.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Cancels account suddenly?
Posted: 1/17/2014 12:21:58 PM
Don’t take it personally. I noticed a few posts were worded in terms of the canceling person doing something TO them. But other people are having experiences completely separate from us and that we are not aware of.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Cancels account suddenly?
Posted: 1/17/2014 11:46:40 AM

Maybe she had a bad experience here?


That.^^^
Or sometimes people have decided that the online dating format is not comfortable for them.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Not offending mature women?
Posted: 1/14/2014 7:53:29 AM
Not compliments:
You look great, considering that you’re __________.
You’re so sexy, considering that you’re __________.
You’re so smart, considering that you’re __________.
You’re so funny, considering that you’re ___________.
You’re so kind and considerate, considering that you’re ________.

lol!
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Not offending mature women?
Posted: 1/13/2014 9:36:05 AM
I agree with LiliMarleen’s post, too, and the comments along those lines.
“You look great tonight” is a compliment. If a man tells me I look good for my age, it says he is overly concerned about my age. No thanks.
 Midwest_Southwest2
Joined: 11/1/2013
Msg: 45 (view)
 
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/11/2014 7:58:32 AM

Beyond reproduction all reasons for relationships are illusions.

Love as we all know is a system of which chemical reactions trick your brain into believing their is something special about a certain person.


I don’t agree with your underlying presumptions. But even if these are your laws of interpersonal relationship, it makes sense that you wouldn’t see much point to seeking a relationship. In a nutshell, I think caring about other people, and especially exchanging caring and love in a mutual committed relationship with one other person, makes us less selfish and egotistical, and more humane in general. It makes us better people.
 
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