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 Author Thread: What Impression Do You Think You Give?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 58 (view)
 
What Impression Do You Think You Give?
Posted: 3/26/2009 5:30:27 AM
I'd agree with the original poster that women who make sniffy remarks about blokes looking for sex while showing photos of themselves falling out of their kit give me a pain.

My profile-someone asked me if they could see a more recent photo the other day. As the main one I'm using is only 6 weeks old, that did the old ego some good. Especially as it's one of the few contacts I've had on here (thanks for the male 'I never get a contact' postings, by the way. Nice to now I'm not the only one missing out)
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 38 (view)
 
I need a man or do I?
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:09:29 AM
My mam told me never to kill spiders as they eat flies and other pests. So go for the jamjar rather than use the hoover.

As for needing a man for the job, we-or at least me- are shit scared of 'em too.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Mom given ticket for reviving son.
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:05:00 AM
On the one hand, never trust the papers. They always twist the truth to get a good story.

On the other hand, I've worked for the council, so every word could be true...
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 95 (view)
 
The REAL reasons you decline a person
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:58:15 AM
As a bloke, its all down to fancying the face in the photo or not. Although you never tell them that, of course ('you live too far away' or 'we wouldn't have anything in common' being the usual excuses).
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Long time single?.....what happens to your sex drive?
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:47:58 AM
I'm fascinated to see that most women on here say their sex drive goes into hibernation after a few weeks without. I never knew that. As a bloke, that just doesn't happen. It stays pretty much the same whether you're getting any or not.

Seriously, I've really learned something today.

Thanks.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 125 (view)
 
Men with beards and moustaches - is it sexy?
Posted: 3/18/2009 6:17:26 AM
Just out of curiosity, when was the last time anyone saw a moustache (no beard)? When I was a kid, every youth sported a bum fluff fanny-tickler on his top lip. Now they're virtually extinct. I'm presuming squaddies still sport em, but even most coppers and gays have given them the push.

R.I.P. the tache
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Spring Equinox!
Posted: 3/18/2009 6:12:39 AM
I saw some report where the experts said April/May's usually the time people try something new-warmer weather and lighter nights plus the Easter/Bank Holidays all give you that get up and go.

Personally, after the winter we've had, the first warm weather and the daffs coming out have definetly brought me out of hibernation. I didnt want to do anything or go anywhere in that rotten stretch after Xmas.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
what would you find??
Posted: 3/13/2009 5:41:20 AM
My mate moved into a new house and in the back of the cupboard found a set of monogrammed Crown Green bowls and a couple of female wrestling videos. Beats the fluff and crumbs down the back of my sofa to hell.

P.S. 'Couch' or 'sofa'?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Nearly St Paddy's day...
Posted: 3/12/2009 5:47:38 AM
Why no St George's Day celebrations? We could, I dunno, invade France or something.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 71 (view)
 
abstaining from self pleasure
Posted: 3/12/2009 5:43:57 AM
I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen;
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this Chapel were shut
And "Thou shalt not," writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore.

And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tombstones where flowers should be;
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars my joys and desires.

William Blake

Denial of physical pleasure has nothing to do with spirituality and everything to do with masochism.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 66 (view)
 
abstaining from self pleasure
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:09:41 AM
So girls don't talk about w***g? That must be why they're always on about shopping. What about menstruation? Is that a female topic of conversation or not?

(Abstaining? Well, I've managed to stop in public since the last court appearance. Its a start, I suppose).
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Do women find blokes with pony tails attractive or think they look ridiculous?
Posted: 3/11/2009 5:51:25 AM
I'm thinking of plaiting the hair in my nose. Does that do it for women?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 38 (view)
 
The Honours List...Well Deserved Knighthood For Bono?
Posted: 3/11/2009 5:45:02 AM
A review I read of the recent U2 album- People say U2 should quit trying to save the world and go back to making music. Having heard their latest album, I think they should forget about making music and go back to saving the world.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
The Honours List...Well Deserved Knighthood For Bono?
Posted: 3/11/2009 5:42:43 AM
Speaking of pop stars being up themselves and trying to save the world, I'm surprised nobody's mentioned Sting yet. Like Dennis Leary said, Sting's either the most sensitive bloke in the world, or he's really, really in need of a blowjob.

Ranking of most annoying pop stars

1. Sting - I used to live in Wallsend, his hometown, so this' personal. 'I didn't know what a tree looked like until I was 11 years old' (Sting)-so you couldn't manage the 5 minute walk to the park or the (tree-lined) Stevenson Wagonway, Gordon?
2. Bono-just irritating and U2 wouldn't know a decent track if it ran over them
3. Geldorf-funnily enough, he doesn't hack me off too bad. I must be slipping
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Snowing Again
Posted: 3/5/2009 5:26:49 AM
T-shirts in Newcastle too, but that's the same when it's ten below zero and permafrost forming
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Success or no success?
Posted: 3/5/2009 5:25:18 AM
If my experience-and, from what I gather, half the male posters on here's experience- is anything to go by, you won't see a repeat of the story featuring a bloke.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Snowing Again
Posted: 3/5/2009 5:12:20 AM
Had a sprinkling in Newcastle overnight. Nearly gone, though.

It's right about Brits, innit? We are absolutely obsessed about the weather.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Eating anything, anywhere, any time
Posted: 3/5/2009 5:07:32 AM
My brother once ate a Pritt Stick, but that was for a fiver bet.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Eating anything, anywhere, any time
Posted: 3/5/2009 5:06:44 AM
I've noticed all the schoolkids at the Metro station are stuffing their faces with junkfood at 8.30 in the morning. I ate Monster Munch and Pepsi at that time,I'd blow chunks.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
transvesties...
Posted: 3/5/2009 5:04:52 AM
Dunno about transvestites, but I once had a transexual landlady/lord. Thing was, the sex change was never mentioned.

Then one day, a group of lodgers plus her/him are watching a comedy improv. show on TV and the guests had to do a routine about a sex change. It ended with a little song:

...you gotta put it all behind ya,
They cut off my penis
And gave me a vaginaaaa...

Probably the most embarassing moment of my life so far.

P.S. She wasn't much of a tranny, actually. Dressed unisex in joggers and T-shirts. She'd obvioussly been a big geezer and looked something like Big Bird off Sesame Street.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Alternative life on Second Life
Posted: 3/5/2009 4:59:35 AM
I read the thing about someone making a million quid currency trading on there. Apparently there's on-line designer boutiques where you can buy Gaultier etc for your character using real cash. Talk about more money than sense.

Meanwhile, Le Pen, the French Nazi, opened a branch of his party on there, so a load of left-wing avatars gathered to protest and they had a riot.

Also the uni. lecturer who told me one of his students had to repeat a semester after his avatar had a relationship break-up on there. The kid was as emotionally devastated as if he'd really been dumped.

I'm not making this up. Honest.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Do you have any annoying bed time habits during the night?
Posted: 3/5/2009 4:54:41 AM
Having to get up for a piss every 3 hours. One of those things they don't tell you about middle-age.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
 
My bedroom please help.
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:38:21 AM
P.S. I earn 100K a week stocking shelves in Netto. No, really.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
My bedroom please help.
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:36:36 AM
The difference between men and women-all the women on here are genuinely interested in, and giving tips on, redoing the bedroom. All the blokes are taking the piss or saying 'how much!'

TV shows aside, women think this kind of thing is important and blokes think it's a waste of time and money (except for the kid who says he earns 6K a week, of course-what is he, a drug dealer?)

P.S. My bedroom has been cunningly designed to reflect my personality-it's a pile of shite
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
stay friends ..? or let go..?
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:29:31 AM
My ex stayed friends until she found a new regular, then dropped me. I realised I was just filling the gap until the next bloke came along.I know now that over means over. If there's no kids involved, that's it. Finito.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
holidays.. summer flight fares !
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:25:26 AM
Holiday in Britain. Seriously. Get away from the fish 'n' chip resorts and find some out of the way fishing village or get up in the hills. The walking holiday I had in Northumberland in 08 was the best I've had in years.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 107 (view)
 
How materialistic are you?
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:17:11 AM
"WildIrish Rose62" 's post about just discouraging freeloaders rather than actually being materialistic makes sense-getting bombarded with Russian/Thai lonely hearts on the paying sights makes me suspicious of certain women looking for a meal ticket.

Too late, though-my contract runs out at the end of the month and I've only found a crap part time job to replace it so far.

Sorry, ladies. Only looks and personality left to reccomend me (that's me f*cked, then)
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Silly Names!
Posted: 2/27/2009 5:54:42 AM
I got lumbered with 'horlix' at school because it sounds like my surname. 40 years later, I'm still getting it.

Still, not so bad as my dad's drinking pal'Yick'-this was apparently the closest his baby sis. could get to his given name 'Eric'. As she's just a few years off retiring now, you can see how that one stuck.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 45 (view)
 
whats the most romantic thing you have done?
Posted: 2/27/2009 5:47:52 AM
I bought a little brown teddy bear, wrote a soppy message on the tag around its neck and hid it the bottom of my then partner's handbag under the kleenex, sweet wrappers etc.

A bit later, she comes over to me all hugs and kisses, tells me how sweet it was then says, 'Mind you, when I first saw this brown thing in the bottom of my handbag, I thought it was a turd.'

That was the last time I attempted a romantic gesture with her...
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Choosing from profiles
Posted: 2/27/2009 5:39:48 AM
Always a photo for me, same as most of the blokes on here. My mate's a psychology lecturer and tells me males are actually programmed to react to visual stimuli when it comes to sex. Which is another way of saying we're all shallow b*stards.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How do you get around it??
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:48:45 AM
Speaking of the, er, 'department concerning the front of the thighs', what's the male opinion-shaven or unshaven?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:46:03 AM
I manage a Patents Advice Centre and, without being able to go into confidential details, green/alternative energy seems to be the big growth sector when it comes to innovation.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Cars
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:36:59 AM
Good to know I'm the only bloke over 40 who never got round to learning to drive. Seriously, though, with some women it's like saying you've got a leg missing.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 279 (view)
 
Phrases that put you off someone's profile
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:19:17 AM
Straying off subject slightly, has anyone ever seen a profile where the 'Do you do drugs?' question has a 'yes' answer?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Should drunks be publicly flogged for being caught in a state of drunkeness?
Posted: 2/20/2009 5:20:59 AM
I was going to do the 'flog drunks-how much?' joke but somebody beat me to it. Aww.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Plan Your Life
Posted: 2/19/2009 6:14:34 AM
If anyone wants to check the writing, check out 'Dillinger' on 'Youwriteon.com'
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How do we know what is changeable?
Posted: 2/19/2009 5:17:32 AM
You can be whoever you want to be, but you can't change who you are-not sure where I heard that, but it sounds about right to me
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Plan Your Life
Posted: 2/19/2009 5:11:09 AM
I've always wanted to be a writer and get out of the 9-5

So:

1. Get the house paid off a.s.a.p- just done that

2.Get published-getting good reviews off literary websites I've had stuff on and about 2 months from finishing a novel on the Gulf War

I do make it, I figure that my lovelife should pick up as well, finding a partner being goal number 3.

I've also made a conscious effort to kick the booze, do keep fit and watch the diet as part of a general overhaul.

Raise your game and, with a little luck and a lot of effort, you could have a hell of a life.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 79 (view)
 
Northerners talk funny do we ?
Posted: 2/19/2009 4:46:53 AM
I've lived in Geordieland for 17 years and I still can't do the accent. Mind you, when I first came up here from the East Midlands, no one could understand me, either. (East Midlands accent- a bit Sheffield. D.H. Lawrence stuff, 'Ayeup, our youth' etc.)
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Prison Penpals
Posted: 2/19/2009 4:42:12 AM
Can't see anything wrong in writing to blokes inside (no sex cases etc, of course) as long as you keep them at arm's length.

A famous example: Norman Mailer ended up in correspondence with Jack Henry Abbott and helped get his collected letters printed as 'In the belly of the beast'. Abbott's paroled as a literary genius and immediately shanks to death a youth who, it turns out, was himself a promising young writer.

So, ok as long as you're careful.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Reasons to be cheerful
Posted: 2/19/2009 4:33:05 AM
I just paid off my mortgage. Happy? F*cking ecstatic.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Travelling to the UK
Posted: 2/18/2009 5:23:18 AM
Surprised no one's mentioned Newcastle here. It's featured as one of the top 4 party cities in the world in one guide. There's also plenty of heritage and great countryside-every time you turn a corner out in the sticks, there's a castle or a section of Hadrian's Wall. Scotland's just up the pike too.

Downside-the locals apparently talk Latvian and it's f*cking freezing.

p.s. and you're not allowed to wear a coat on a night out, even in January. No, I don't understand it either.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 111 (view)
 
A dad aged 13
Posted: 2/18/2009 5:09:16 AM
You know what I feel when I read stories like this? Envy. I remember what it was like when I was 13. The spunk's virtually boiling out of your ears and sex is something that's never going to happen to you. When you're a teenager, you're dying to dip your wick but you never get the chance. I was convinced I was going to die a virgin.

Christ, I wish I'd been a chav. I grew up on a sinkhole estate but got sent to the local grammar school instead of Bash Street Comp. like the rest of the kids. I spent my entire teens delivering the local freesheet and walking the dog instead of dropping sprogs and necking Class-A's. Sh*t, I didn't even sniff the glue when I stuck together an Airfix kit (My Lockheed P-38 Lightning was a masterpiece).

So, yeah, it's terrible, but I can't blame the youth for nailing her when he had the chance.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Weird Celebrity Crushes
Posted: 2/11/2009 5:41:09 AM
In the Viz 'Profanisaurus' there's the definition dead wood-the weird feeling of being sexually aroused by someone who's been long dead e.g. Marilyn Monroe.

Speaking of which, my mate caught 1940s star Veronica Lake in an old movie and was so taken he went out and bought the biography. Mind you, she did look a lot like the birds he fancies now i.e. the ones that are still alive.

My nomination for necr0-sex symbol? Jane Russell (she was with Marilyn in 'Gentlemen prefer Blondes').
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
POF fatigue
Posted: 2/11/2009 5:36:29 AM
I look through the profiles and don't seem to find many women I feel I'd have anything in common with. Whenever I do, I don't fancy them. POF? Probably just life, I think.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Your crumble button
Posted: 1/30/2009 5:17:56 AM
I know its stupid, but what really used to wind me up was people who gave their kids stupid names. Not chavs-you expect it from them-but pretentious posh tw*ts. I was working in Jesmond, Newcastle's answer to Islington, and the kid's names-Noah, Romy, Manon. I even came across one poor sod called Tarquin.

Mind you, I did feel for the family who's surname was Wancke.

p.s. also people who put their dirty feet up on the seats on the Metro when I've got to sit there. And the ones who push onto the carriage before you've had chance to get on. And...
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Consideration for your neighbours
Posted: 1/30/2009 5:10:36 AM
I have the opposite problem with neighbours to most people-I never see them. 9 years on the same street and I've nodded to the bloke downstairs about twice in pasing and that's it. Some old bloke down the street used to say hello when he was in his garden and that's it.

4 or 5 of my mates live in the area, so no real problems, but having lived in blue collar districts beforehand, I find living in a middle class area a bit weird. I've also walked around middle class estates before and they've been silent and deserted-no dogs barking, no one on the streets.

Is it always like that in posh areas?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Forgetfulness
Posted: 1/30/2009 4:51:30 AM
The really scary thing is how it starts to deteriorate with age. I suddenly found I couldn't remember names sometime in my mid to late thirties-like a fuse had suddenly blown in my mind. There's been no great deterioration since, but I've been slipping a bit when it comes to specific words.

No real history of Alzheimer's in my family and I'm taking the fish oil pills, but it's still a worry. It happens to us all, though.

Doesn't it?
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Dating Site Scammers
Posted: 1/29/2009 5:21:27 AM
The big giveaway is mentioning Nigeria. Its a recognised thing by law enforcement officials-why they are all based there I don't know.

One site kept hitting me with photos of white girls. For a few weeks, they were all in Nigeria as they dealt in African art. After that, it got more varied-one was supposed to be a missionary, although the photo showed someone dressed more like a poledancer(Enough to give anyone religion).

Another time, I got the same photo attached to two supposedly seperate profiles. Sloppy work that time, fellas.

I also got a mail from an agency on the site asking me if they could use my photo in an advert, which is where they must have got hold of the photos of the women. Flattering, anyway.
 horlix
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Success stories?? Come on cheer me up xx
Posted: 1/29/2009 4:34:52 AM
The banter on here sometimes-its like one of them old Cary Grant movies, innit?

Anyway, glad to see plenty of other blokes are getting no play. It really cheers me up to see I'm not the only one stuck with the one string banjo.

I'm getting into this forum lark, though. Great way of wasting time at the office.
 
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