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 Author Thread: Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:47:33 PM
First off, I am totally not a jealous or possessive person when in a relationship. ( I used to encourage my ex to lunch with her former fiancee, since they were attending the same school. I also had no problem with her male friend who admitted a desire for her. ) I feel that all we ever have is each other's word anyway. I would never try to curtail any hobby that was important to my girl, and I think that our continuing growth and health should definitely include seperate interests.
Now, with that disclaimer out of the way, yeah even I object to the club a little bit. Especially in the "beginning a relationship" stage of things. At a later point, when we are more established, I'd feel mostly ok about you going out with the girls. Going alone adds to the uneasiness.
I think it is important that you are honest with yourself about why you "enjoy the atmosphere". The music and atmosphere of a club is sensual, arousing. There is a barely contained sexuality. Hungry men and barely covered women. Part of the enjoyment for the women is the confirmation of their desireability. Dancing is a display. Effectively it is a preliminary mating ritual. Repeatedly "pushing away" guys does wonders for one's self esteem. I'm not necessarily condemning that, BTW. It's hot when other guys want my girl. Gets her all steamy and I reap the rewards.
Most of us have been in a club. We know that it is a meat market. The club is for cheap thrills mostly. Going there means that you are at least "window shopping" and maybe enjoying the temptations of all the flirting men.
When you add alcohol to the already tempting environment, impulsive, regretful things happen. I'm not some Don Juan, but on the rare events where I find myself in a club, I've had more than a few occurences of finding out that the woman who just hooked up with me was married or "monogamous". Sometimes their friends have to pull them away and remind them of their situation.
Ok I know I'm being long winded. I could sum up my thoughts by saying that adding this stressor to a new monogamous relationship is pretty much sabotaging it. If he is not worried about it then he probably just wants things to be casual and thereby keep himself available to other women too.
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 154 (view)
When is taking a drunk girl home from a bar and having sex considered rape?
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:34:48 PM
I was curious about what I'd see in this discussion. SoTex is right on target. It can be scary to be a single male. (Personally I don't cruise the bars or do one nighters at all. I'd rather have alot of sex with the same woman, than alot of sex with many different women.)
I know a woman who has not once, but THREE times cried rape after the fact. On three separate occassions, she was caught cheating on her boyfriend, a different guy each time. She does not drink or use any intoxicating substances. Not at all. AFTER she was caught, she began to cry and feel remorse which soon changed to " I never wanted it". All three times she cried rape, when she really felt guilt. Then all three times she recanted her story before criminal charges were processed.
The victims here are her poor boyfriend (who blindly believed her each time) and those 3 guys who were publicly accused. One of them was assaulted in "revenge".
For whatever reason, this girl decided to confide in me with the details. My conclusion is that she is such an emotional mess that it's scary. After rewriting history so many times, she doesn't even know what happened. She is frightening, dangerous. I'm so glad I don't mess around with girls like that!
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:26:54 PM
You definitely have to tell him. Just say it and show him. Most men would be glad to change kissing techniques ( or techniques for anything else for that matter) to whichever pleases you most. Perhaps his current technique is precisely the way his ex taught him, and he just assumed you would like it the same way.
Please do not just ditch him because he didn't somehow read your mind and know how to give you that roller coaster feeling. I feel like many of us out here in the dating world have such a specific image in our heads of what "the one" will be like, that we rob ourselves of many chances at happiness when real people do not live up to the mythical creature we've created. It really would be sad if some unreasonable expectations got in the way of a realistic, happy relationship. Honest communication and a bit of realistic compromise would have kept many of us from needing POF at all. Direct communication is always the right choice about anything. Straightforward. Full disclosure.
I had to teach my last ex a few things. lol. Her various techniques definitely needed some improvement. Whoever she's dated since will probably benefit greatly from all that I taught her! lol He should send me a thank you card.
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 52 (view)
Where has all the romance gone??
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:49:33 PM
Kudos to the women in this thread who did not place all of the blame on men. It's painfully obvious in this and in other discussions that we are all crazy and confused. : ) lol
Seriously, we each have such wildly differing ideas about what exactly is romance, what is appropriate or desirable and what is abhorrent. It becomes such a lottery to try to meet someone who has the same ideas about these things as you do.
It is not just us men that have abandoned romance. It is our society in general. The short attention spans and unrealistic expectations combined with almost limitless opportunities to move on to the next one and hope they get it "right". Besides being jaded and overstimulated, we have too many options and too many influences on our standards of behavior.
I'm 32 now, and the romantic efforts of my early twenties, if repeated today, would be considered to be overzealous and cheesy by most women that I meet now. Back then, I was big into wooing. I was creative and had an endless supply of "grand gestures" to demonstrate how much enamoured I was with the object of my affections. Sometimes it would have the desired effect, and sometimes too much enthusiasm would scare her away. I think unfortunately that the latter is almost universal among women ( of my age group) today.
While I'm searching for my forever girl, I'm meeting many women at this point in my life. And the women I'm meeting, are meeting many, many, many interested men. ( As an aside, a girl I met on this site tells me that she dates four new men every single week from here. Who needs "speed dating" when you're screening that many applicants already? lol)
These women often seem to laugh at and condescend to the men who try to be "romantic" in the traditional sense. They tell me the stories and sort of smirk about these guys. The message that I'm getting is that those guys appear needy, submissive or without options.
I guess I'm kind of being long-winded here. The point is that mixed signals are flooding in to both genders about what they should strive to be and also what they should want their partner to be. Many of the things we want are contradictory and therefore impossible from the same source. When a new date inevitably fails to be everything all at once, it is all too easy to skip the getting to know one another and just move on. Today, all of us, but women especially have an endless supply of new potential suitors.
Romance is the opposite of this quick paced dating world. Romance is slow. Weeks of talking before even thinking about getting busy, handholding tingles because it's the most contact that you've been getting. Maybe part of that is having less options and more flexible standards. Not giving ourselves the option of moving on before really putting some effort in.
Maybe we all need to try to reverse the effects that our media and fast paced lifestyles are having on our dating lives. If you're willing to try so am I.
So this presents a convenient opportunity to invite any sweet, intelligent, Philly area women to stop by my profile....
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