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 Author Thread: Do children need a father?
 herba_mom
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 211 (view)
 
Do children need a father?
Posted: 3/18/2007 12:33:17 PM
I'm a single mom of one child. Since I was ready to be a parent, the biggest mistake I made was spoiling my daughter, part because she is an only child, but probably also as a way to make up for her not having a dad.

As difficult as it is, I try to be objective about my choices when it comes down to my daughter. Now that she is 12 we have talked about it and a dad would be a good thing in our life right now. I had already explained to her long ago, when she started asking, that the person who was her father was not capable of being a father. Biology does not make a parent.

I feel that it is a definate advantage for a child to have two GOOD parents. Because no one person can be everything a child needs in a parent. However, coming from a family where neither parent was really a very GOOD parent, who did not belong together but stayed together for the kid's sake (HUGE MISTAKE), I am also very aware that one GOOD parent is better than what many children get these days.

I feel that parenting is a huge choice and many people take the role too lightly. Raising a human being is an extremely important role with major impact on the future of our world. Please don't take it lightly.

Regards,
Jen
 herba_mom
Joined: 7/17/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
What do you do with an immature father?
Posted: 3/18/2007 11:48:35 AM
I had a similar experience, so I thought I would share with you what I learned.

I broke up with my daughter's bio-father before I knew I was pregnant. I was lucky, I found out the truth about him before the talk of a baby came into the picture. I did tell him about being pregnant, but on my terms. I didn't want him to take advantage of me and my child. I only wanted him to know in case my child went looking for him, once she was grown up. You see I knew how hard it was to deal with the disappointment and devestation of being lied to and cheated on. What I realized is how much that can screw up a child, if they have a parent that pulls that crap. I would not wish this type of parenting on any child, especially my own! I knew I could face problems trying to keep him away, but I also knew I could do anything if I was doing it for my child.

I was fortunate, a lot of calls I got from him after my daughter was born were from prison...his was a drug problem. So I didn't worry about him knowing how to use the law to his advantage. It sounds like the guy you are dealing with does know how.

Though I know nothing of the custody case, I do know that two variables are likely involved: 1) he knows how to work the system to his advantage; and 2) he was able to prove that his other child's mother was not capable of taking care of the child.

You can't change #1. That is about someone else's actions. But you can change #2. You can be the best mom there is and then he has no amunition to take your child away.

I will tell you, I was 30 when I had my daughter. I always wanted to be a parent, so I was ready to be a single parent. You need to ask yourself some serious questions that all go back to what is best for this special human you are caring inside you and realize that your choices today will significantly shape your child's life. This is very hard to do since human, by nature, are selfish. That's why being a parent is a true test. You are truly mature when you can put someone else's needs in front of your's.

My advice to you, make your number 1 priority be whatever is best for your child. From there you will find you are capable of whatever the bio-father throws your way.

By the way, being a parent HAS TO BE important to you. I have made a lot of sacrifices, but my daughter is quite successful and I am glad I work hard every day to be a good mom. My daughter is 12, she skipped a grade and so she will be going into high school this year (before turning 13). Not recommended if kids are not mature enough, but you see single parent kids frequently are very well rounded and well parented. My reason for sharing this is, not only to brag...as every parents does and should...but to point out that many times being a parent will bring out the best in you and if you let it you will educate yourself on being a good parent who works to educate their child(ren). You learn how to reach out and find the best for your kids, like charter schools and scholarships. There are a number of human services agencies out there. I could give you some tips if you are interested.

I have written quite a lengthy response, I know, but I did want to share what I learned going through a similar situation as yours. Good luck to you, and please remember to always consider whats best for your child, when making choices in life.

Take care,
Jen
 
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