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 Author Thread: Men and their intentions...
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Men and their intentions...
Posted: 9/12/2011 11:45:54 PM
If you are wanting that kind of attention from him, at least do it with your eyes open to the fact that most likely he is just is interested in easy sex, and not actually interested in any sort of lasting real relationship that involves respect and real affection. No matter how much he makes it seem like he is after more than sex. And the fact that he is even making these moves on you means that the friendship that you two have is not really that deep, as he's willing to forego that for a little fooling around.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Heart broken into a million pieces
Posted: 9/2/2011 8:16:38 AM
Don't try to change someone when you date them. Next time, just choose someone you actually respect and love for who they are. You sound angry and mean, and those aren't attractive qualities. You can work on those. Best wishes.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Broken Heart
Posted: 8/22/2011 7:34:04 AM
It just sounds like she wanted to have those feelings, and was hoping they would develop eventually (hence the going slow), and finally realized it would never happen. Sorry you feel badly. You will feel the loss anyway, but no real need to villainize her - that doesn't really make it better. Doesn't look like she did it on purpose, and she did try to warn you/minimize it by not going fast. Better than a lot of guys who will just try to use girls for sex and know they will never have feelings for them. Now THAT's humiliation when you find out that was what was going on. Here, it's just two young people who don't know what they are doing.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Starting to tick me off...
Posted: 7/2/2011 12:24:50 PM
I think this is just a matter of there being different ideas about what the proper etiquette is. I've had friends and co-workers who are more into computers who do this way over the top looking away in the opposite direction while I'm typing a password. I appreciate the thought but it just seems rather silly and unnecessary to me. You are probably expecting that level of gesture from your girlfriend, and she is probably just not all that concerned with it. But by just saying, "do you mind, privacy" you come off as rude. You need communication skills, and fully explain your expectations (in full sentences and everything!). You have to do this before you have the right to get all worked up about it.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Don't want to meet new people :(
Posted: 5/2/2011 8:48:35 AM
Two weeks is too soon to jump back in the pond anyway. Vent, take some time, try again later (for meeting new girls).
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Should I let him know how I feel?
Posted: 12/14/2010 6:13:43 AM
From what you've said, I wouldn't regret dumping him at all. If he's like this after a few months, imagine what it would be like after a few years. Sounds like he was more interested in making himself feel better after his separation than he was in making you a part of his life. Speaking with him more about this is not productive.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 63 (view)
 
broke up 5 times, should we stay together?
Posted: 12/4/2010 5:41:18 AM
In all seriousness, GF sounds bipolar. Ever been diagnosed?
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Ode to the Nice Girls
Posted: 11/26/2010 3:24:00 AM
Actually, as a nice girl, I haven't really felt that my "niceness" has gone unappreciated by men. The guys I spend time around seem to prefer nice girls to mean girls. Well, most of them. Some of them can't figure out that the mean girls are only nice to them, and mean to everyone else. And if I'm baking cookies for a man, I'm not going to be unnoticed, hahaha.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Friending an ex on facebook
Posted: 11/8/2010 12:18:48 PM
I would say suck it up and just trust her. If it makes you feel better, send a friend request to him. If he suggests meeting up with your girlfriend, it would be appropriate for him to meet up with the two of you, as a couple. Should not be threatening to you then.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Am i being immature, or is he being insensitive?
Posted: 11/8/2010 12:12:10 PM
I think both. And while you can complain all you want about how insensitive a boyfriend is being, really, the only thing that you have control over is you being more mature, and taking the high road, if you want to continue the relationship. You can't make a boyfriend be more sensitive. You can drop his ass, and find a better boyfriend. Or you can keep him, and change how you are behaving.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 27 (view)
 
In an LTR, and your S.O. refers to you as their friend when talking about you....
Posted: 10/28/2010 11:06:22 PM
I use the word "boyfriend" and I'm 38, but I can understand how it can sound juvenile and seem a little silly to use that word at our age. I would prefer to be able to refer to my guy (when I'm seeing someone) as at least "my partner" which implies definite stability and long term, but there is a HUGE gap in time and closeness between the time he becomes a "boyfriend" and when he becomes a "partner", so maybe she was just using the word friend because you two are not quite at the "partner" stage yet. That being said, I personally am ready to refer to my boyfriend as soon as we arrange to be exclusive, and I'd probably be comfortable with using the word "boyfriend" even if I were 90. But that's me.

I understand why you would be bothered by her saying "friend." I would have too. And I think it's good for you to ask if it bothers you. I would have asked too.

I don't mind her explanation. If she was saying personal information about your son, it's also a way of keeping the info anonymous, and protecting your son's privacy. If you haven't met each other's friends yet though, then you are at an early stage of the relationship.

I am curious how long you have been together. And how long you were together with the other women who wouldn't call you their boyfriend. Perhaps you are on the quick side with labels like that and for your expectations of the other person to use the label.

At our age, it also feels a bit silly to be seen as going through many different men, so I don't tend to talk about my dating life in great detail with too many people. Dating different men is just a fact of life when you are single, and there's nothing wrong with it, but if it sounds like every time someone you don't know well runs into you, there's a new guy, it does appear kind of flakey. When the relationship becomes more committed (like 1 or 2 years in, or eventually if someone proposes and I am engaged), then it is easier to let more people know.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Taking a break from Dating
Posted: 10/24/2010 11:31:06 AM
I'm still in a break. Mending. It's been about 7 months, and I occasionally have the desire to have someone now (to cuddle, get taken cared of, wrestle with, get hot and bothered with etc.), but I've been pretty content otherwise. Usually I can get other things in my life done even when I'm in a relationship, so I wouldn't necessarily need to take a break just to focus, so mine is more about getting over the last relationship. I think it's necessary to get over one thing before moving to the next. It would have taken some pretty amazing convincing to try and get me to accept a date in the last few months. Now, it probably would just take someone I was attracted to and intrigued by. But I still see myself continuing this break for another few months. It's not like wildly interesting and attractive available men in my age range are breaking down my door now anyhow.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
How do you feel dating someone who's dating other people?
Posted: 10/22/2010 6:22:09 AM
Having feelings is perfectly alright and normal. Almost all of my relationships have come from internet dating, and I really just limit myself to dating those who will date me exclusively as soon as a definite connection is established. It's not a commitment, it's just a method of dating - seeing where one thing goes before moving on to another. I'm kinda blunt, and I just wind up asking to see if the guy is dating anyone else. I do this mainly at the point where it starts getting physical because I don't want to be sharing that with someone who is doing that with other women at the same time. If hypothetically things could be stalled at the point where we're not physical at all, then I probably wouldn't need to ask, but how often does that happen when two people really like each other and are all excited in the beginning of a potential relationship? I would love to run into more guys who bring up this sort of exclusivity right away, rather than trying to get physical even though they are doing the same with other women. We have no way of being able to tell which way your current girl thinks. For me, I feel strongly enough about this to risk "blowing it" with any particular guy by mentioning how I feel right away. If he had such a problem about my way of thinking about these things, then the two of us probably aren't a match anyway. And if I'm really interested in a guy, then it's probably better that I know that earlier than later anyway. If I am totally casual about a guy and not interested in a real relationship, then I don't ask and don't care for a longer time. There's also the possibility that she is sounding like she is dating others so that she doesn't scare YOU away by being too serious in the beginning (it's usually the guy that wants to keep things open, until the girl stops putting up with it, isn't it?). So for all you know, she might be very pleased to hear that you don't want to see anyone else. Maybe that's the way to bring it up. Just be sincere and say that you just wanted to let her know that you aren't seeing anyone else, and don't want to see anyone else right now. You don't really have to ask her anything. If she feels the same way, she'll tell you. If she doesn't, she may clear things up or just get quiet and not seem too happy about that.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Women with only guy friends
Posted: 10/21/2010 5:10:38 PM
I grew up with older brothers, so am very comfortable with friendships with men, but I had plenty of opportunity to have female friends growing up (in school, etc.), so I think if a woman has only male friends, it's probably more than just about growing up with brothers. Having lots of male friends is great but the worrysome part is the absence of any female friends. Even if you don't like talking about girly girl stuff, there are plenty of tomboyish women around to connect to, so that doesn't really explain it either. And whether there are conversations about other things besides girly things completely depends upon the particular women involved. I talk about current events, social justice issues, scientific questions, mechanics, medicine, philosophy, etc. with the same girls who will talk about a pair of shoes for an entire conversation.

Friendships with women are deep, personal and rewarding (and yes, more difficult to maintain, but worth it). I think both men and women should have at least some women friends. If I met a man with absolutely no women friends, I'd probably wonder about that too.

Men's friendships seem easier - a guy will outright admit they think their friend is a jerk and that they wouldn't behave like their friend ever, and then still play poker with that friend every week and refer to him as a friend. It seems like you don't have to be a particularly good friend (whether you're male or female) to keep a few male friends around . If you can't keep at least one female friend around though, you might be missing something that other people (men and women) have. eg. for women, perhaps you don't appreciate people of your own gender and are somewhat misogynist (so how can you fully appreciate yourself), perhaps you have some sort of competitiveness and insecurity that is triggered when you are around other women, perhaps you are missing a certain level of sensitivity or empathy, perhaps you lack social skills and the only way you know how to interact is by using your sexuality, etc.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
If he thinks he's loosing me, he becomes more interested.
Posted: 10/10/2010 3:55:55 AM
Igor, I found your reply interesting. So how does a girl tell the difference between a normal level of refocusing to other parts of his life and a significant actual loss of interest in her? I find the end of the "honeymoon period" disappointing, but do understand it somewhat (after all, it happens to my own feelings too). If he starts showing up late for dates more often, do you think that is something to worry about? I have thought that was a bad sign - shows less consideration for my feelings. If he makes less of an effort to sleep over at my place and insists on us going to his place? If he stops bringing little gifts to show he was thinking about her (I've taken this to be normal)? If he wants to stay home and watch tv a lot more instead of coming up with dates?

How much "letting himself go" is to be expected? I'm prepared to keep the effort up over time, and you're saying that I have to accept that men aren't?
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 4 (view)
 
my best friend.....
Posted: 10/3/2010 4:10:06 PM
this is why guys suck as best friends for girls, in my opinion. (unless they are gay)
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Future ex wife insecurities
Posted: 10/1/2010 3:19:42 PM
Just date women who are less attractive than her...that's what my ex boyfriends all seem to do after dating me.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Do I need to give it up?
Posted: 10/1/2010 10:55:07 AM
It wasn't fair of him to keep stringing you along after the breakup when he wasn't really trying to get back together with you. It makes it extra hard for the person being broken up with to get over it. That's why sometimes clean breaks are best, where the two people don't even have contact. It's often tempting to fall back into comfortable routines, even for the person who wanted out of the relationship in the first place. I've been there (holding on after someone has broken up with me), and I've learned I don't do well emotionally in that situation, so from now on, I try not to be tempted to go back. If I need a lot of time away to work through things, I take as much as I need. I'm still working on getting fully over my last relationship, and it's been 6 months, and we are not really in contact (a little Facebook, but not in person). I don't know when we'll be ready to be back in contact.

It's better not to spend time wondering why at this point. Just accept that no one can force these things, and accept that you two were not a match (even though it seemed like it). Sometimes, it is just about the other person not being ready to settle down. Sometimes they just stop feeling the feelings necessary. Doesn't matter what the reason is. Just spend your time healing yourself (don't blame yourself, don't listen to him blaming you). When it's the right person, they'll be delighted to have you pop in on them, if you are having trouble getting a hold of them. Spend time taking care of yourself, and being the best independent you that you can be.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Getting ignored..
Posted: 9/30/2010 9:32:46 AM
Did you keep in touch with her while you were sick and explain that you were sick? Did she take that week of you suddenly disappearing plus not asking her to go with you to the wedding (and possibly not keeping in touch then either?) as a sign that you are just not that into her? In which case, she backed off so that she didn't get hurt and/or wanted to find someone who was more attentive?
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Girl texts me after intimate date to say she's not feeling it?
Posted: 9/25/2010 6:28:44 PM
She told you everything you needed to know. She wasn't feeling it for you. It kind of shocks me that after that you would wonder if you should have tried going for sex. Why would she want that when she didn't even want to make out with you? She had to leave as soon as the movie was over so that you wouldn't try for more. She probably was trying to like you as you obviously liked her and probably seemed liked a nice guy, but no one can force it when it's not there, even the person that's not feeling it. If anything, I would wonder if you should have been less physical, not more, in order to give her time to fall for you. But I wouldn't worry about it, because chances are, it just wasn't going to happen (her falling for you) anyway.

Edited to add: Oh, went and checked the history on this. Yah, she's been telling you this whole time that she doesn't feel anything for you. Why did you insist on calling it a fourth "date". They weren't. She's been upfront with you, but she's also been trying to be nice. Now that you've been so pushy, and getting it to a physical point, then she pretty much has to avoid being around you all together. So no, I don't think you should have given her more time to fall for you. You just need to listen when a girl tells you that she doesn't see you in that way.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
She just wont leave me alone!
Posted: 9/22/2010 7:09:20 PM
It's bad right now because it's only been 2 months, but eventually, in order to be at a healthy state of mind, you should be able to see her for a few minutes for a casual chat when you run into each other and not have a complete meltdown. Rather than worrying about how to keep her away, I would suggest working on your own resiliance so that you can handle something like that if it should happen again.

You should try to recognize that she probably wasn't meaning any ill will when she came up to chat and probably she saw it as a gesture of reaching out to try to have a civil relationship for the future (since you will be seeing her when you drop off your son). Like two mature adults. Holding grudges is not good for you, and it's important for your own health to let go. This takes time. Sometimes you might need some help (like counselling). See your doctor if you feel you are going through a clinical depression. They can treat it, it's a medical problem.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
I FEEL statement elicits better communication.. Has it worked for you?
Posted: 9/22/2010 6:41:12 PM
in theory, it should work, because you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and not blaming the other person. eg. I feel sad because blah blah blah, instead of You made me sad because you did blah blah blah. But honestly, with some men, explicit emotions and openly admitting to emotions is still pretty foreign and uncomfortable to them, and they will still get freaked out, riled up, or annoyed when a woman is being emotional, no matter how they phrase it. It's probably good advice for a man when dealing with a woman though because women are quite happy to have a man open up and express his emotions to her, because it makes her feel closer to him (just like women feel closer to each other when they express their emotions to each other). I think from a woman to a man, it depends on how comfortable the guy is with emotions generally. Those "no drama" guys would probably rather have you just keep it all to yourself, just like their dad's did and taught them to when they grew up.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is she leading me on?
Posted: 9/22/2010 9:01:50 AM
^^No. It is up to you to stop setting yourself up for disappointment. She is telling you that she sees you as a really good friend. Don't do that stuff if the only reason you are doing it is because you want it to be a romantic relationship. I have friends that I would do that stuff for and accept stuff like that from. You may want to have a chat with her to tell her your feelings and tell her that you need to have a bit of distance from her to deal with those feelings, and then spend some more time hanging around other girls. That way, she won't feel like you are just dumping her as a friend for no reason, and you can have the space to get over this and meet other girls.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is she leading me on?
Posted: 9/22/2010 5:55:33 AM
I don't even get why you consider anything you said as mixed signals. She needs a good friend right now (2 months out of a relationship). She has more time to hang out and you are being (what appears to her) as a good friend by spending time with her while she needs it getting over the breakup. No where in your post do I see anything that says she wants a romantic relationship. You are reading too much into it because YOU are attracted to her. Women actually act this way with their friends (female) and then think that men are interested in a friendship like this, but too often they are just hanging around because they think one day it will turn into more.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't come clean (confess) your feelings. That would be the honest thing to do. But be prepared that she is not thinking that way at all and needs a good friend now, not some guy trying to get in her pants.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 67 (view)
 
good looks...........a blessing or a curse ?
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:37:52 PM
I don't think good looks is that much of a curse for a woman, because when a man is really attracted to a woman, it seems like any perspective they had in the first place goes out the window, and they think they have a chance, even if she is completely out of her league. Think about all those guys who are supposedly smart guys that should understand that a waitress is getting PAID and has the incentive of getting tipped well, but STILL think that that they really have a chance with the waitress because she's an attractive woman they want to do who is being nice to them. The idea that she's just doing her job doesn't enter their head, and they fall for her. So women who are really good looking probably don't have as much trouble with guys being too intimidated to approach them. If they are having that issue, it just means they aren't obvious enough in their signals that they are interested. If an attractive woman shows that she's approachable and interested, she should have guys slobbering all around her, and she needs a stick to beat them off her.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 68 (view)
 
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 9/21/2010 6:58:42 AM
So your instincts are right, and he admitted that it wasn't embarrassing for him to not be able to even pay his half, and that his last girlfriend would pay for everything. So yah, he's cheap and possibly even dishonest about ever intending to pay. So you were right in suspecting something after going out with him several times, and him never paying. My question now, is why do you keep going out with him? Even if he does bring cash now to be able to cover his half, just his inclination to try and let you pay all the time is a red flag. A guy looking for a sugar mama is not going to be someone who will even wind up being a good friend, nevermind a boyfriend. Sounds sleazy.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
I like this advice on Letting Go - Dr. Phil
Posted: 9/20/2010 9:03:46 AM
Dr. Phil

Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn't ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and don't know how to move on? And how do you know when it's time to let go and look for love somewhere else?

If you're "the other woman" who's waiting for a man to leave his lover, don't waste your time. "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you," Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and can't make a commitment.

Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who's waiting around for a man that's let her down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, "To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure."

Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one." Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

Be clear with him. "You've got to say not just 'no,' but 'hell no,'" Dr. Phil tells his guest. "'Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me.'" If you live together, it's time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: "Do what you have to do." If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues.

Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who's having a hard time letting women back into his life: "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

Know that you will get hurt if you're in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He's going to hurt your feelings. He's going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.

Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.

Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way."

Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: "Unless and until you've figured out everything you've got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude." You're probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.

Listen to what he's saying. If he's telling you that you want different things out of life and there's no way you can work as a couple, don't turn his words around into what you want to hear. He's being quite clear.

Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's waiting for her ex to come around: "There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"

FROM THE SHOW

Letting Go of Love
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Is sensualness an action or a perception?
Posted: 9/16/2010 12:18:54 PM
I agree with AZ and loved his description, and I think sensuality is just a way a person is, so not action or perception. I think sexuality oozes, and it can be let loose (without thinking about it...you can just be extremely sexual and not do anything to temper it), projected (action) or inhibited. Whether it's pleasing or not to the other person is all perception, but one can "ooze" sexuality and the other person can perceive it and be disgusted (this has happened recently to me with a man I did not find attractive, but could sense his energy...bleah).

Sensuality emanates from some people though. I suppose if they tried, they could stifle it so that you wouldn't be able to tell or it stops emanating at different times (intense focus, at work, during sadness).
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Spoilt only child puts damper on relationship.
Posted: 9/15/2010 3:20:13 PM
Sometimes I wonder how many people in the forums are really going to find anyone. Most couples wouldn't be together if every one of them just "ran" whenever there was some jealous, threatened in-law, or child or roommate or whatever. My married friends all have complaints about some in-law or other. That sort of conflict is part of life. And anyway, 17 is pretty old. If it was an 8 year old, and you were looking at a minimum of 10 years before the child grew up, then I could see how it would more obviously not be worth the trouble. But this person may grow up in the next couple of years and become much more independent.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Insecure guy or girl....what to do?
Posted: 9/15/2010 12:59:05 PM
Oh, just wanted to add that it just sounds like you are "trying to make the case" for why you should dump her. Making yourself sound like the noble, loyal friend, who won't push the friends out. Villainizing her makes it easier to justify to yourself that you should break up with her. This is probably because she is a great girlfriend, has treated you well, and you can see that a guy would be lucky to have her.

I believe this has happened to me. And yes, I had a great effect on him when we were together, and he WAS lucky to have my love and devotion. It was the purest love I had ever given, and there are a lot of good things to be enjoyed when I'm in a relationship with someone. So he would feel bad hurting me, and dumping me. He was a nice person at heart, after all, cared about me, and didn't want to hurt me. I honestly think that if he was able to love me the way I was able to love him, he would have been more willing (on a subconscious level) to try to understand me better.

I don't know whether this is relevant to you or not, but some part of him seemed to be looking for something to go wrong...as if he was so unused to being loved, that a bit of him was always trying to find the catch. I see it in myself too. It's easier to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you are used to trusting people. Needing reassurance is not necessarily a character flaw (just imagine if you stopped judging it as one, and instead just dealt with it like any problem that needed to be solved, like a leaky faucet or squeaky hinge), it's the stuff of relationships - expressing your love in a way that speaks to the other person is the point of being in a romantic relationship in the first place. The two of you are not receiving each other's "love transmissions." Doesn't matter who's fault it is. (However, if the love is not there in the first place though, better to stop the charade).

Do I think my ex will find someone "better" for him? No, I think everyone comes with a slightly different combination of flaws and strengths and compatibilities with other people. He just needs to get over this grass is always greener syndrome, that is exacerbated by this picture perfect ideal he has in his head for his romantic relationship, where he retains all of his original image of independence and yet has none of the disconnection that comes with that, and still gets to receive and give the love that's in a serious long term partnership. Compromise doesn't necessarily have to take away from your individuality. Incorporating someone else into your life does not mean you tear away at who you are as a person. It adds to it. I believe at some point my ex will probably embrace that, and then accepting the flaws of whoever he finds will come naturally. The reason this last love was my purest ever was because *I* grew up and my ability to love grew. It's not because coincidentally the best person for me is the last one I've met.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Insecure guy or girl....what to do?
Posted: 9/15/2010 12:01:35 PM
Thanks for clarifying the 7 am breakfast run situation. It does sound like you are trying, knowing those other details. I did think you meant a romantic ex partner. And in those cases, feelings of jealousy just bubble up whether you intellectually want them to or not.

I was never saying that she isn't insecure, though. But do you want to win the argument of who to blame or do you want to figure out how to make the relationship work? And the solutions I mean don't have to do with pushing your friends out of your life. It has to do with either reassuring her, if your feelings are genuine, or coming clean if you don't want to be with her. Even to us, in a few paragraphs of writing, it sounds like you don't even like her. How must it feel to her, when she actually knows you and is around you all the time? It feels awful to think that your boyfriend doesn't like you or respect you, and that drives a vicious circle that makes one feel even more insecure. Even someone with a normal level of self-confidence can be driven to act really crazy when they start slipping down that slope. And it might take an extra shove (extra expression of respect, love, affection) to get back up to a normal level of security.

It is obviously still up to you whether you want to put in the effort. But I see it as either giving it the heave ho (maybe even counselling?) to push it over the top of the hill and try to save it or just let it go, and let the relationship roll out. Right now, it's just you two struggling to keep the ball in the middle of the slope, and eventually someone's going to get tired of the struggle.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
How do I deal with an inattentive man?
Posted: 9/14/2010 1:55:05 PM
I'm happy that you moved on, but c'mon, really...a TEXT? All you needed to do was, in person, ask "Would you like to kiss me?" Straight up. No room for squirming away. No anger or judgemental tone. Just to give him the space to explain himself, or kiss you, whatever. Anyway, good for you for moving on, but you may save yourself some time in the future if you are a bit more direct.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
No Contact Concept
Posted: 9/14/2010 1:42:29 PM
Just wanted to add that while "no contact" is a good idea for the reasons mentioned above, how long a period of no contact needed is different for every individual. And if one of the two people breaking up takes longer than the other (and makes it clear that they are not interested in maintaining contact yet or even ever), then the person who wants contact earlier just has to suck it up, respect the other person's wishes and deal with it. That's where I'm at now. I think I would like contact and work on a friendship now with my last guy, but he doesn't, so I have to respect that, even if I'm tempted to keep in touch.

With one ex-boyfriend, I am actually in a really good place with him right now, and we even hang out and keep in regular touch and everything, but I was the one who needed the time away, and made it a strict rule that we would stay out of touch (mainly because we both were still very physically attracted to each other, and messing around was not doing my head any good). We stayed out of each other's lives for a year and a half. Not necessarily on bad terms at all. But it was still useful, so that the feelings of attraction could fade away quickly and naturally. I wasn't sure that we would be able to become friends later, but am glad that we have been able to.

With my current situation, I knew that he would hang onto my stuff until I got it back (and not throw it away or anything), so I just got my stuff back recently from, after a nice long five months of not seeing him. I did try to get my stuff back from his place right away when we broke up (within the week) but we just never coordinated it properly, so letting it sit and wait until we were both ready was fine. Don't know what kind of unfinished business you have, but if it's something simple like that, just write a short email asking for him to either send your stuff or hang onto it or pass it on to someone else. Or just let it go.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Insecure guy or girl....what to do?
Posted: 9/14/2010 11:06:14 AM
OP, I think your inability to see her side of the situation (apparent by your presentation of the situation in your opening post) will always be the hurdle to get over if you want to have a lifelong partnership or marriage. You have come to dislike her, without acknowledging how you could change your own behaviour to make things work better.

A very simple example - if she gets a bit jealous about you getting up at 7 am to buy breakfast items for a visiting ex partner, then the simplest and nicest solution is to go to the trouble of doing something similarly special and considerate the next day to show her that her feelings are at least as important to you as your ex and other women in your life. Her talking about it with you is expressing her feelings. Your dismissal of her feelings, and automatic defensiveness about her not getting along with "all of your friends" is what makes the situation worse. You're villainizing her, when she is the actually trying to communicate with you to try to make the relationship work. You sound somewhat self-absorbed. Women are intuitive. You don't sound like you'd ever marry her. Instead, you will continue to resent her and blame her, rather than looking at the whole situation, and working with her to come up with solutions to problems. You're not really relationship ready, even though you are forty.

You don't love her or like her enough. Only two options: 1. grow up enough to see you and her as a team or 2. Let her go so that she can find the relationship that she wants.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
How do I deal with an inattentive man?
Posted: 9/13/2010 12:01:01 PM
I wouldn't have the patience for this. I would have just asked him. I would probably just ask him before dumping him for it though. If he can't give you straight answer though, even being asked directly (i.e. Would you like to kiss me? or Is there a reason that you haven't tried to kiss me?), then I would say the best thing would be to just go. I don't like ultimatums, but if someone can't communicate with me openly, that's a deal breaker.

Maybe he has oral herpes? Maybe he is trying to decide between several women, and doesn't want to be dishonorable to the ones he doesn't choose? Maybe he has some sort of sexual problem and is trying to avoid the whole thing until he feels close enough to you that he thinks you won't bolt when he brings it up? Is he self-conscious about his kissing skill? There are many possibilities, but you won't know until you ask.

If he sees you twice a week, that's actually not bad for the beginning, so I wouldn't say that part is inattentive. The not kissing for three months though is unusual.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 104 (view)
 
What Happens When You Are 30+ and Single
Posted: 9/13/2010 3:13:35 AM
I get a lot of old farts flirting with me too (I'm 37, often mistaken for much younger, and not looking for guys in their 50's and 60's). I suppose I'm supposed to take it as a compliment, but really, it just makes me feel insulted that they think they have a chance with me. They should know that they are too old and frumpy for me, right? Do they consider me so unattractive that they think I'm desperate for their attention? I don't think of myself that way. I think of myself as a catch for someone my own age. All of my previous boyfriends have been around my age (or a bit younger), and they've been very attractive guys. It seems like the guys in their 50's and 60's don't pay any attention to the women in their age group, and assume they can get younger women still. Do they need me to be blunt with them? I don't want to be rude, but it just seems like it takes a lot for men to get the obvious sometimes.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Should I be friend with my ex's best friend?
Posted: 9/5/2010 8:49:06 PM
More likely he's interested in dating you.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
calling back advice
Posted: 9/4/2010 3:48:20 AM
I like to receive a call from a man (when the date went really well) the next day. Two days is too long in my opinion, especially if you already expressed affection with holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.). It doesn't have to be a long call. Just to say hi, and that you wanted to say that you had a good time on the date.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Impolite to stare?
Posted: 9/3/2010 4:04:17 PM
I just can't believe two women told you that after doing this, women who don't know you will walk over and start a conversation with you. Even if catching a woman's eye and smiling and the two of you holding each other's gaze is successful, it's still up to you (as the man) to walk over and say hi, no matter how hot you are.

The tactic might work in reverse. i.e. a woman catches a man's attention, makes eye contact and holds it (not past the point of "discomfort," but past the point of normal politeness). Then the MAN might come over and say hi. So maybe these women giving you their advice was telling you what they do to get a man's attention, and (insanely) figured it would work for you to do the same to a woman? Or maybe they think you're gay and figured you were trying to attract another man?
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
We Walk On The Same Route, How Do We Talk On The Same Route?
Posted: 8/31/2010 7:07:11 PM
How about just trying to catch her eye and smiling and waving the first time? Sometimes street people (unstable ones) tend to be clueless enough sometimes to approach a woman alone at night when she is vulnerable - it happens often to me - but for a regular guy, I expect that they should at least be a bit sensitive to the fact that women have to look out for their own safety and there's no need to alarm her unnecessarily. I would start with smiling and saying hi so you don 't look creepy and dangerous. Try not to physically corner her when you try and make conversation. Don't worry about trying to look nonchalant. Even if she wasn't interested, at least as long as she figures out she's not in any danger, she likely will be flattered a little, as long as it's a pleasant, relaxed exchanage.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Dating a girl who isn't over an ex.
Posted: 8/30/2010 10:33:42 PM
I think people are answering from the title and not reading the post. She's not attached to him. She's trying to get over being treated badly and dumped. That's entirely different. It's not like she still wants to be with the ex. I think it's worth sticking it out if you like her. You are not necessarily a rebound. Sounds like she's scared, so it's not like she is just using you to make herself feel better (which is what a rebound is). Just be a good boyfriend and a stable person to be around. Be dependable. There are no guarantees in life, ever. So that's the best you can do. No matter how good a guy you are, there is always the potential to get hurt or get disappointed when someone enters a relationship. She'll either get to the point of accepting this or not.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 76 (view)
 
THE BEST THING TO DO AFTER A BREAK UP IS......
Posted: 8/29/2010 10:35:12 AM
things I tend to do to feel better after a breakup:

Get a haircut (or new clothes, or whatever makes you feel like you've got a new look)

travel (getting out of town is a great distraction, even if you have to go alone, you can book with a group tour or something if you are not comfortable with travelling alone. But travelling alone is so much fun.)

flirt! (not to date, just to remember that there are fun parts to being unattached)
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:30:46 AM
I'll probably get slammed for this, but I think that many times a woman's friendships are more cherished and deeper than many men's friendships. It's not meant to be a negative thing to be asked to be a woman's friend. It's really actually quite a compliment that she wants you in her life. For example, if I am a close friend of another woman, that means a LOT to me, and that friendship is nurtured and maintained by both sides even if or when that woman gets married. I think it's much more difficult to maintain a close friendship with a man when he gets married. I think some men even have trouble maintaining their guy friendships when they are married. So it's even harder if you are a single woman and your guy friend is married. In general, friendships mean a lot to most women. It's not about deserving to be a boyfriend. Two people are either a match or not, and that romantic match is an extremely rare thing (and you only get to have one). I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.

I'm going through something right now - I am more hurt by the fact that my ex is not ready to be friends (yet). I miss his company, and admit I would probably still have romantic feelings for him if we spent time together, but to me, I'm willing to put up with that. Of course him deciding that I wasn't the right match for him did hurt, but I find it more rejecting that he doesn't even want me in his life as a friend. I would much rather be asked to be his friend, than to be purposely avoided, even though I was the rejected one, and I still desire him.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 15 (view)
 
I can get over the Girl but I Miss My Dog!
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:50:54 AM
Move to somewhere that allows pets and talk to your ex about it the dog. I do "shared custody" with my cat (switching after a few months), and it winds up working because usually one of or the other has travel plans, so needs someone to take care of the cat while we're out of town anyway.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Girl calls me before date to talk about her problems?
Posted: 8/28/2010 2:08:30 AM
My guess is that this sort of conversation about her life and a supportive and sympathetic ear is important to her in a potential boyfriend, and she was just trying it out, assuming you would be interested if you were interested in dating her. I don't think her talking about her worries about a job interview necessarily have to do with you rescuing her with money. She was probably just chatting as she normally would about her life, and it's just that it struck you as overly negative for so early on. She is probably a pretty open person and used to sharing more earlier on than you are. While I understand that people usually start off lighter until at least the second date, there is something to be said for her just being normal, rather acting differently and worrying about giving a good first impression - it saves a lot of time. I find that guys who try too hard to give a first impression often take a long time to figure out. This is just a waste of time. Better use of dating time is to just see if you two are compatible. Sounds like you've already figured out that you two aren't. (You do come off as being impatient and insensitive. This isn't good for her, and her negativity isn't good for you). I would just cancel the date and say that you don't think you two are a match, and leave it at that.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 44 (view)
 
How to make him less afraid of being hurt by me?
Posted: 8/27/2010 1:48:56 AM
He's told you what he is. While it's a bonus that he has some ideas about why he is the way he is, that doesn't really mean that he can change it. And it especially doesn't mean that YOU can change him. Your question is really - how do I act to change him to be what I want? You can't. You either accept what he is (that he will continue to cheat on you), or you leave it.


Just wanted to add: Have you thought about the fact that he offers to show you his myspace even though he knew he had incriminating messages with this other woman that he told you he had cut off communication? Think about it. He knew that you would find it, but was willing to bet your relationship that you wouldn't leave him. (and he was right, because you've shown him in the past already that you'll stay no matter how he treats you). Really think about that. He wasn't worried about hurting you. He wasn't even worried that you'd leave. He wanted you to find out. What does he get out of that? Probably a great deal of reassurance for his insecure self that you won't leave him - and here's the part I think you should really think about - he's willing to get that for himself at the expense of YOUR feelings. You've got to be able to see that this is NOT a healthy situation for you. You have to look out for yourself, because he certainly won't be.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Friendship/more
Posted: 8/26/2010 1:22:21 AM
You'll feel worse if you go to his place, wind up having sex, and he tells you again that he is not interested in a relationship. I would say avoid meeting him.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Percentage men pay for dates within the first year...
Posted: 8/25/2010 11:31:35 PM
Over the whole year, it evens out to about 50/50 (more in general terms, than actual dollar amount - eg. if one of us cooks a nice meal for the other, that's like one person treating another to dinner out, no matter what the actual costs). But it's a back and forth thing. If it's going dutch each instance, it feels too much like they don't really know if they want to keep seeing the person, so they want to keep things even in case they split. If both people are willing to treat the other, it feels more like you both expect to see each other again and feel you will have a chance to return the favour.

I think if it really starts bothering you how much you pay for stuff that the both of you do together in the first year, then you should probably wonder if you're really into the other person or not.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 38 (view)
 
What do we miss, our ex or what he/she represented in our lives?
Posted: 8/23/2010 9:23:45 PM
No, I genuinely miss my ex. He is a wonderful person to be around.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Always having problems with MEN ( dont know why )
Posted: 8/23/2010 11:14:54 AM
I think shutting down your emotions is a short term solution - you feel like you need to do this to survive right now. I think eventually you will have to deal with your emotions around all of this past trauma, in order for you to get past it. You don't need to do it alone. Get a good counsellor (in addition to the psychiatrist who prescribes your meds) if needed.

You need to get to a point where you feel inside that it is possible to love and be loved, without it leading to the controlling, abusive relationship that you are used to. Perhaps find couple friends that are in healthy, loving relationships to hang out with.
 
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