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 Author Thread: A date with the unemployed...
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
A date with the unemployed...
Posted: 3/30/2012 1:36:07 PM
40K isn't a lot of money? Hmmmm, well it's all related to the cost of living where you live and your ability to save. Where I live, you can live like a king on less than 40K, provided you have even a shred of saving ability. What Americans especially fail to realize is that what you make is not as important as what you're able to save.

Many years ago, a few of my friends were making 3 and 4 times what I was making yet were always broke. I bought my first house at the time and never made more 30K before then. They asked me how I did it. My answer was simple: I saved more then I spent, and didn't create unnecessary debts.

Yes, I know that's a novel concept for most Americans to grasp, but if we did that more a lot of us who do make decent enough money wouldn't still be somehow living paycheck-to-paycheck. I mean, I understand when it's a medical issue, or you make practically nothing like mininum wage or close to minimum wage, or you've been out of work for years because that can knock you off your feet; believe me I know, I've been there. It's when people have none of those issues and yet somehow can't manage their money properly that I don't understand.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Should I talk to her again?
Posted: 3/30/2012 7:32:25 AM
I had a situation like this before. It didn't go quite THIS far, but far enough.

I had a young lady play a similar game. I was doing really well financially during this time, but I never discussed it with her or anyone in public. One of her friends tipped her off about how I was doing. Suddenly I was getting messages and calls from her almost daily talking about how much she missed me, and how she wanted to hang out, etc.

Smh, lol. What this amounts to is a woman who is opportunistic. You only hear from her when she's in need, be it emotional or financial, but she has no real intent to form a lasting relationship. Back then, I was the type who would play the game back; set up fake dates and not show up, promise things and never do it, offer to help with something important and never do it, disappear from contact. I was a real cut-up, but it's not like those women didn't deserve it. Indirectly, I was teaching them a lesson; you deserve to get what you give.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
A date with the unemployed...
Posted: 3/30/2012 7:18:24 AM
Even being unemployed, you may still be doing better than her anyway, provided you saved your money well, combined with your severance, and your eventual unemployment insurance.

I bought a house once when I was unemployed. Paid cash. I was able to do it because I saved and invested well and still had a substantial savings to live on after the purchase. Another job came along soon after, and everything remained fine. Everyone's situation is different, so don't let other's perceptions prevent you from living.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 6 (view)
 
What's with puting pics men or children in profile?
Posted: 3/30/2012 7:04:23 AM
I find that many men are turned off by women who put pictures of their baby in their profile. Even moreso when they say they have no children for search purposes but then they have a ton of their baby's pics.

Women who do the kissy fish-face are another one I hear complained about a lot. Seems like a lot of women do this for some reason.

Having lots of pics where you're with your ex-boyfriend is another one I see complained about quite often.

Many men consider women with lots of pics where she's clubbing/bar -hopping and/or always with a drink in her hand to be a major red flag.

Pictures where the woman can't be identified because she's always with a big group of other girls is another one guys hate, but I hear many men say that they've been conditioned to just assume that the most unattractive girl in the group is usually the one who the profile belongs to. Currently, there is no scientific data to support that assumption.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
My boyfriend introduces me as his wife??
Posted: 3/30/2012 6:53:27 AM
@ TALL-IQ2

LOL!

10 characters
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 592 (view)
 
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 10/9/2011 8:26:23 PM
I believe little is wrong with most of us in terms of our worthiness to find someone, at least not in the most extreme sense we'd expect. On the contrary, I say the "system" of dating in modern society is more of what's wrong in this equation. We've all bought into an ideal that doesn't work, the statistics tell us it doesn't work, we know it doesn't work because we can see the failure all around us, yet no one really talks about it much and we never rally together in some way to change it... and even if we did, who would take it seriously enough? It's a very peculiar situation that on the surface seems like no big deal, but beneath the surface is actually sitting right on the very fabric of the stability of humanity. Luckily, the entire world doesn't subscribe to the type of system of dating we have in our society.

If you're always single--and yet aware of harsh realities around you--you commonly live between two extremes. One extreme is the anger, disbelief and confusion as to why you can't find someone. The other extreme is watching so many people around you who are in relationships but are totally miserable and you feel thankful for not being in that situation. You know that the likelihood of you experiencing the same fate is high, so you take solace in that at times but it fades when you realize again that you'd be willing to take that risk just to be able to feel even for a short time what it would be like to experience the good parts of these relationships.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
suddenly stop communication
Posted: 1/13/2011 2:40:07 AM
^^^ That's another reason why you should ask for the number sooner and not wait so long. You'll avoid a long dragged out situation of the person playing games.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 17 (view)
 
suddenly stop communication
Posted: 1/12/2011 6:11:33 AM
Personally, I would've just asked her for her number and I would've done it much sooner than weeks later, and on that first call--provided it went well--I would've attempted to set up a date to meet. I thought that was the whole idea of online dating... to meet people in person at some point. I just don't see the point of the constant back and forth of emails and calls (I see this a lot and it perplexes me) when the goal is to meet and see if a relationship can happen. I see it as an even bigger self-imposed barrier when the person lives close to you or in the same city.

As for the number thing... The only time in my life when I gave a girl my phone number, is when we were young kids and the girls had to sneak around and call me because they weren't allowed to have boys call the house without getting into trouble... they would sneak and call me, sneak to come see me, have their friends pass messages around to set up dates. A few of the girls got caught seeing me by their parents, lol. The parents showed up angry and yelling, lol. Ahhhh, those were funny times.

But after that and especially since becoming an adult, I always ask for the number. I've always considered that a surefire way to gauge if there is at least some interest, and you'll get a good sense of it during the call.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
The rules of attraction. How to tell when she is flirting
Posted: 1/1/2011 4:34:51 AM
There are times when a woman can show all the supposed signs and yet not be interested romantically at all.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 8 (view)
 
No success for me?
Posted: 12/6/2010 6:41:23 AM
Not in all cases, but often times when people say they aren't picky, when you begin to examine the specifics of what they want, it becomes clear that a number of their expectations are not so much unreasonable generally, as they are unrealistic. Some places you live simply won't have enough available of the type you're interested in, so that can add to the unrealism in that context. At that point it becomes a decision to whether you want to hold out for that type to happen across you, or begin to try other avenues.

I'd also like to add that even with a person being young, similar rules and the challenges of social circles and social availability still apply no matter what your age is, no matter what amount of money you have or how attractive you are. Granted, there aren't a lot of young-attractive-wealthy people hanging around dating sites (and I mean that as a 3-part package; there are plenty of young people, attractive people, and probably some wealthy people, too), but having those things going for a person doesn't mean they've found love or happiness either. A closer look and one will find that many of those types go through the exact same struggles with these things as everyone else does, and in many cases even moreso.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Should I worry?
Posted: 12/6/2010 6:18:03 AM
Try asking him--in clear specifics--what's up.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
If I'm not interested, should I give no reply to his text?
Posted: 11/29/2010 1:04:41 PM
^^^ this is way too much analysis and decision tree. the op can't even figure out for herself whether to send a send a text to a guy she's not interested in.


I'd like to give the OP a little more credit there. She should be able climb the tree, it's not very tall

I don't feel her question here means that she wouldn't be able to find out what she needs to know if she is interested in a friendship and not a romantic relationship. It just shows me that she's considerate of other people's feelings, and that's a beautiful quality to have in a world where too many people lack it at such a level that they have no awareness that it would be good to have and exercise.

Though I have a feeling that a friendship may not be her desire in this matter, we don't know that for certain as she hasn't stated as such, so the suggestion to relax and navigate thoughtfully is with that in mind.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
If I'm not interested, should I give no reply to his text?
Posted: 11/29/2010 7:41:36 AM
I agree with Cowboy's thinking on this (Sidebar, I have a great guy who works for me nicknamed Cowboy).

It's one thing to ignore it before meeting because I think everyone in online dating expects that possibility to happen at some point, but after meeting I just have a hard time agreeing with that same approach. Besides, he didn't ask you out again anyway. I realize that there is always the assumption that a guy is interested in more than just friendship (and it is true often enough for that assumption to carry weight), but you said yourself that you didn't sense interest from him so there is at least a possibility that he could just want to be friends.

So, the question in my mind is, are you ruling him out only as a potential romantic partner, or as an overall presence in your life entirely? If you wouldn't mind having him as a friend, then I see no problem with talking with him. If he brings up wanting to go out again, be blunt and ask him to what capacity; as friends? Or as trying to build towards being more than friends? If he says more, then you need to let him know that you're not interested in that avenue. If he takes it hard, then block him if you have to.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Would he commit to a second date if he wasn't interested?
Posted: 11/26/2010 8:55:28 AM
^^^ Agreed @ #1.

He's got you and it's working. These games are indeed silly, but the climate in the dating scene is such for Men who have difficulty, that they resort to this behavior. I realize that a lot of men do this because they've had a hard time with women in the past (i.e. they've had little to no luck) and they feel this is a better way to approach it. It certainly "works", but I don't agree with doing it because it's not authentic. Nevertheless, I understand why guys do it.

I'd suggest that when/if you speak to him face-to-face again, reassure him that you actually like him and games aren't necessary, and that if this is the way he is going to be long-term it's not going to work out, because you don't have time for it. However, if you enjoy the game and it's thrilling to you (as it unfortunately is for many women) then ignore that last part entirely :)
 WIse_monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Is she being nice or flirting?
Posted: 11/24/2010 7:29:37 PM
It's tough to be sure of these things. There are times when a person can be burning with passion for you and are so reserved about it that you'd think the person didn't even know you were alive. There are times when a person can seem so into you and do all of the things that would naturally give off that sign, and then you come to find out they have no romantic interest at all... or they're gay :) ... I've each scenario take place.

All you can do is ask for a number or a suggest getting together. There is nothing else you can do. Thing is, sometimes people will agree to either and still have no romantic interest. With that said, I feel it's best to let go of expectation. Expectation is the source of a great deal of life's disappointments.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Complimenting a random women on her hair?
Posted: 11/20/2010 12:33:55 PM
It depends on who's taking the compliment. Some people will be flattered, and some will read other things into it based on their perspective of things. The one's that read something else from it in a negative way might do so because they intepret the compliment as a come-on and they're not attracted to you, so there is a level of natural awkwardness in that situation. Of course, there is also the mistake of saying the compliment in a creepy way which would naturally put someone off, but that's subjective since what may seem perfectly normal to one person may seem creepy to another.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
What is he thinking?...
Posted: 11/17/2010 2:17:28 PM
^^^Hmmmm, but if they've been friends for this long, it's probably a gimme that both are known well enough by both sides of friends and family. It doesn't mean that you have to take a person home to your parents and make an intro, but these two folks have their lives and friendships/aquaintances already intertwined. I agree that she may be well to give it more time, but her suspicion is certainly not unwarranted.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
What is he thinking?...
Posted: 11/17/2010 2:01:33 PM
I've had relationships where I kept it low-key, not because I was ashamed of the woman or playing some sort of game, but because certain people in my life at the time were nose-deep types that liked to involve themselves in my relationships for some reason.

That said, this situation is different because your circle is probably all mutually known. How do you hang out comfortably amongst mutual friends or in combined settings? It would seem tough. I believe in giving people time, but I just have a hard time believing that there isn't another reason he's doing this besides what he's telling you.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
What did I do wrong this time?
Posted: 11/16/2010 2:11:19 PM
"Me: It's cool, anytime you feel it's ok, and even if you don't want to at all it's fine too."

Hmmmm. I took that sentence as him realizing from her response that she more than likely wasn't interested. People sometimes speak in this way to deflect the blow of a response that wasn't as favorable as they had hoped.

To be honest, her response just didn't sound all together, and I sense that the OP felt that when he read it, hence his reply to it.

I think the message the OP put out was clear enough... wordy and perhaps not as directly assertive as it could've been, but it was clear enough, and if someone likes you and wants to see you that would never be a big deal anyway. She just didn't want to meet for whatever reason, but I wouldn't blame myself here.
 Wise_monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Losing interest after telling them what I do for a living.
Posted: 11/15/2010 8:42:15 AM
It's unfortunate that there are people like this, but it's a reality. It's hard to say if the woman of subject is this way, as a 2 day absence can be for any number of reasons. But if it's what you think it is, like others have said, you've dodged a bullet. It's better to know it now than for you to have invested a lot of your time and emotions into it.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
What would make a good first date?
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:01:02 AM
I learned a long time ago, that any "fun" or "great" place can be a nightmare if two people don't click. And in the reverse, a "boring" or "ho-hum" place can be a memory of a lifetime when two people are clicking.

Don't overthink this. Just make sure whatever you choose involves being able to:

1. Talk.
2. Look at and see each other while talking.

The rest will take care of itself.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 86 (view)
 
Being unemployed and trying to date......
Posted: 11/11/2010 6:49:44 AM
There are lots of people who go to work every day and work like dogs, but still have to get public assistance because their job simply doesn't pay enough. There are also unemployed people who look for a job with every effort they can, and yet continue to get nothing but 'no's from everywhere be it mopping floors, to fast food. I've been in both positions I've described, and both for extended periods. Paths vary.

I've dealt with women who were unemployed. Some were looking very hard, some just wanted me to help them financially. The ones that just wanted money were quickly sent away. If you have decent judgement, you can see very shortly into the relationship which way a person is trying to go.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 21 (view)
 
What should I do in this situation?
Posted: 11/10/2010 12:20:38 PM
^^^ I don't believe it's untrue, it's just very generalized. There are plenty of women where this could be applied to, and plenty of women where it wouldn't apply. That said, I just feel that any time you engage in games of any kind you're no longer being your genuine self (provided you're not a game-player type). Sure, if you're out just looking for hook-ups you wouldn't care about playing a bunch of women and playing a game in order to do it. But, if you're looking for a real, solid relationship, that PUA stuff can only get a guy so far because a man can only keep up the charade for so long before the mask comes off.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
What should I do in this situation?
Posted: 11/10/2010 8:17:46 AM
Since the object is to get to know the person best, I feel the most effective way is still face-to-face. Therefore, things like texting, email, and talking on the phone, need to not become such that it replaces or circumvents that happening. In my own experiences, I could tell from the first phone conversation if we had anything worth pursuing and I believe that is probably true for most people, except a lot of people ignore the in-road to finally meeting out of being unable to break past bad habits that didn't work for them, or out of a fear of meeting and being rejected.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
How long should I wait?
Posted: 11/10/2010 5:42:26 AM
First I'd like to say that it's refreshing that you went for the shy guy. Sadly, so many shy guys get overlooked, so this brings a smile to my face.

I think you already know internally what your options are in order to get to the "shy guy", you just need to relax and take those avenues. If you don't do it, you'll never know what could've been... regretting missed opportunities is one of the most nerve-racking things you can experience in life. Starting early in life with asserting yourself to take opportunities as they present themselves will be a big aid in your success in every aspect of your life. Start that pattern today.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Can I ask my picture back ?
Posted: 11/10/2010 5:24:32 AM
It would be rude and disrespectful to tell Vivigr that she is acting irrationally or immaturely. Her culture is different from ours and we cannot be sure of how important this is in her cultural context. Giving a person a picture of you under a romantic context may be a big deal in her culture, so I will respect that possibility. Believe it or not, there are many cultures where just holding the opposite sex's hand or even sitting with them is a major move.

What I think Vivigr should do, like people in Western cultures should do more of, is simply ask about the status of the situation. So many questions and uncertainties can be addressed and eliminated if people would just ask rather than drive themselves insane by speculating.

In this situation, you have to come to the conclusion within yourself that your happiness does matter. People who are passive tend to not put that in as high of regard as they should, and they often let opportunities slip away because of it. Ask the guy what the deal is, and if he says he likes you then tell him what YOUR intention is to move forward. If he doesn't take any steps forward after that, then you need to move on with your life.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 69 (view)
 
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/15/2010 5:42:37 AM

It isn't a waste of time for 'men.' However, it can be a waste of time for some men.

If online dating isn't working, then go out into the real world and meet women that way.

Quit depending sole on dating sites.


Of course, we have to consider that offline dating didn't work for many people, and so they turned to online. I read that a lot in many profiles.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 317 (view)
 
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/12/2010 3:04:03 PM
It's a lot easier to be platonic friends with the opposite sex if neither one is romantically attracted to the other. I have my doubts that a platonic friendship can last long healthily if there is attraction from just one side.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Help me!
Posted: 9/11/2010 6:04:18 PM
It could just be a matter of trial and error and your willingness to keep up the cycle until you reach your goal. Not all of us are going to have the same level of success at the same rate, and it doesn't matter if we believe we're more talented, more attractive, more mature, or smarter than someone else who has already obtained the goal that we're shooting for. The fact is, some of us just have to put more effort in and allow more time for it to happen whether we like it or not. That usually means that we have to be willing to come up shy of the goal more times than some others have before we obtain it, and not allow ourselves to get caught up in feeling that we've been dealt an unfair hand when success eludes us.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 33 (view)
 
cutting apron strings
Posted: 9/6/2010 8:38:54 AM
I don't believe in there being an age where obligation suddenly ends, it depends on the circumstances just as it's been illustrated throughout this thread. Generally speaking however, able-bodied men and women should be taking care of themselves. When they need help and the parents are able, I see no problem there, but it shouldn't be a situation where the son or daughter is just being lazy and not trying, that's different.

There was a time as an adult where I lost everything financially (actually, I lost it several times due to job losses before becoming stable). I kept getting laid-off, one time it was 5 jobs in a row and twice from the same job in the same year. I was a lucky man :)

After that, I couldn't score a job despite all my daily efforts, interviews, my qualifications. It didn't seem to matter, I just couldn't get a 'yes' even from minimum wage positions. Everyone kept shutting the door. Eventually my savings were tapped out. At that point, hard times began with many gruesome details. I was already barely eating, if it weren't for my Father and his wife helping me on different occasions I would've been totally homeless during that time.

Thankfully, over time, things changed. I went on a streak of having some really, really good paying jobs, I put away a ton of money, and then went into business for myself which also went very well. Many years later my Father and his wife (both of which had high-paying jobs for about 30 years), eventually lost it all and fell on hard times themselves, and now I was in a position to help them and I did so happily. Had they turned their backs on me when I was down however, I may not have helped them at all. Just keep in mind that if your son or daughter is doing their best (emphasis on "doing their best") and struggling, it may not be a good idea to just write them off. You never know what your own situation might be someday and you may wind up needing help from them.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Girlfriend and her depression
Posted: 9/6/2010 8:10:30 AM

All of us are attracted to what we grew up with, and you are attracted to someone who needs looking after.


That's true in many cases. My brother is a prime example, and even being aware of it he has expressed feeling powerless to change it.

On the other hand, there are those of us like myself who are totally repelled by it. One thing I've found is that we tend to attract people who fit somewhere into the mode of how our lives have gone, upbringing, etc. It's interesting, because you don't even have to do anything in a conscious deliberate way to bring them in, they just show up. My upbringing was very difficult, and so were many of the people in my life (though I'm grateful for that difficulty today because of all I've learned from it). I've always tended to attract the same types of difficult people, not always, but often. Where I differ from many in that cycle is that I've always just chosen to not let those types come into my life outside of circumstances that I had no control over (i.e. I meet you at work, I see you're unstable, you invite me out, I say no, lol).


You are very young. Too much so to begin a savior pattern.


Actually, that's when the pattern typically begins. It usually takes shape with your first serious relationship and then continues on from there. It's not good at any age. My brother is that type and he's been suffering all his life because of it.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Am I being a needy friend?
Posted: 9/6/2010 5:37:00 AM
You have to also consider that there are women who like to be around men who give them approval of feeling attractive, even if they aren't interested in that man romantically. Just the feeling of being wanted is a thrill for those types (I think everyone likes to be wanted though).

When you mention the fact that she comes around and flirts, etc. it sounds like it could be the case here. What that means to me is that a true friendship may not necessarily be her goal, in fact I doubt it is. Think about it, she has to know you want her. I believe women tend to pick up on our signs of wanting them more than we do theirs (probably because we're not as subtle with our signs, lol). What friend would continue to come around flirting as you say, and talking about her relationships with other men knowing you want her? I couldn't do that to a friend. I understand completely that a person can be too shy to say what needs to be said, but it's been so long now. This is way past the expiration date, years past.

You have got to break this off and never look back.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
is she interested?
Posted: 9/5/2010 8:56:47 AM
You've been given enough information from her that it's not going to happen. The longer you hang on the harder you will be hit in the end.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
I need to know what happens on the other side of the phone
Posted: 9/4/2010 1:39:59 PM
Right now your fear is losing him, but you only continue to hold this fear because you've not allowed yourself the realization that he's already gone.

Although in our society it's preached ad nauseam that courage is in persistence; I tell you that courage is also accepting--and then acting on the understanding of--when it's time to walk away.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Tiger Woods Divorce: Is one year's salary a Big Settlement
Posted: 9/2/2010 1:42:15 PM

she's a young beautiful woman who will easily be able to find a new partner who will love honor and cherish her, so she'll still have the opportunity to enjoy a long happy relationship.


Ideally, and I hope this happens for her. But, it doesn't always work out that well. Being young, beautiful and/or rich has never been a guaranteeing factor for love or happiness. On the contrary, for many in that position, unfortunately, they've found the opposite.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 31 (view)
 
No strings attached
Posted: 9/2/2010 1:23:24 PM
A lot of questions come up because of a lack of asking the person of subject. I would advise anyone to concentrate on getting clear explanations of what your mate or potential mate is saying. If the person is not willing to give you clear explanations, then you have to immediately consider that a bad sign/future indicator.

No matter how many opinions you get, the best source is going to be from the person who steered you to ask the question, provided they aren't deceitful as of course that would open a different can of worms.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
 
He gave me some good news ...
Posted: 9/2/2010 1:14:13 PM
The first thing I would do is make the guy aware of his behavior. It can be sliced anyway a person wants, but what he's doing is wasteful and self-destructive. It's not healthy for you either.

Also, I've always felt that if you're "kinda dating", you're kinda not. The fact that the guy is bringing up all these things with his ex says he's not ready to date anyone anyway. So regardless of if he actually does have feelings for you somewhere, it's being diminished severely by his preoccupation with his ex, and this is no good for you at all.

If you're comfortable with being friends, then you need to discuss that and make it clear that this is your only intent. If you want more than that, I'd caution you because this guy just doesn't sound ready at all.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 113 (view)
 
Is living at home with parents such a turn off for dating someone?
Posted: 9/2/2010 7:59:35 AM
Most of the requirements we set are meaningless in the grand scheme of things; nothing more than roadblocks we've created, and yet we question why we're not getting to where we want to be...
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is she shy or not interested? sorry it's long!
Posted: 9/2/2010 7:22:08 AM
I had a situation once where I was interested in a girl that began using the excuses of being too busy, etc. At the time I was extremely busy as well. Knowing that, I also realized--just as others have mentioned--that when a person is truly important to you you'll make an effort to bring that person into your life. So even as busy as I was, I was willing, but she wasn't. It became apparent that her willingness to maintain contact was a sign that she liked me as a friend, but not as a romantic interest and she was too afraid to say so because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. My feelings have never been easily hurt however, and I would've preferred at the time that she just tell me what she was thinking, but this was a long time ago... and since then I've learned that people do in fact tell us what they are thinking, not always in clear terms, but in enough terms in different pieces that we can often times complete the puzzle for ourselves.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Being stood up
Posted: 9/1/2010 9:45:19 PM
I'm not sure about all the specifics, but I feel pretty confident in saying that this situation is finished. It can certainly be argued with a lot of weight that it was finished even before the event in question.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Relationship advice
Posted: 9/1/2010 9:12:51 PM
Whenever a person hasn't had a lot of experience with something, it lends the possibility of building myth within that person's mind. There is no doubt that there are a lot of younger women who are going for men who are complete fools with no future, but there are also plenty of younger women who are not. What you encounter largely has to do with the social circles you move in so you have to weigh that in connection with your experiences and try not to conclude across the board.

I believe that the best person suitable is the person who accepts you for who you are. Though many people I've come across disagree, I believe it's better to be single than to be with someone who is at odds with your very being, or someone who you have to be a phony around in order to keep in your company. Many people are in relationships like that, and I don't know how they can maintain their sanity... perhaps they aren't maintaining it? Hmmmm.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
I'm not passing with flying colors anymore...
Posted: 9/1/2010 8:41:55 PM
This has clearly reached the point where hints are no longer an option. I would, at this point, just ask her out directly. If she backpeddles, I wouldn't cut her off entirely, and that means if she contacts you it would be okay to speak with her and be friendly, but I wouldn't ask her out again, she would have to make that effort this time. And while that's all in motion, I would talk with and date other women if you aren't already doing so.

After you've put your intent out there fully, it's now up to her. If she wants to get together she'll let you know after that, it's not something you should have to ask many different times. If she doesn't say yes, it'll be no big deal for you because you'll be talking with other women and hopefully having a good time enjoying new company.

I believe it's best to allow others to come around in the time they feel comfortable, but in doing so it doesn't mean that you have to stop your search.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Dress
Posted: 9/1/2010 8:00:38 PM
I would always prefer classy over trashy. But, you have to wear what makes you comfortable, and also what shows indication of your true authentic self. In this way, you're more in tune to exude comfortability.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 2 (view)
 
i don't understand the male brain...
Posted: 9/1/2010 7:48:11 PM

and i explained to him how i can't handle not seeing the person i'm dating


I think the big question here is, how are you dealing with this part right now? And for how long do you believe you can hold up? This should eventually lead you to where you want to be.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Love is the biggest lie in the world!
Posted: 6/29/2010 1:32:51 PM
It's common for people to assert that age matters in this at all, but it definitely doesn't. A person can find love at 13 years old, get married at some point (or not married) to that person and be with them for the rest of their life. It's happened countless times before, not as much as it used to but it happens.

There are people who at 85 years old and nearing descension into the ground that have never found what loves means to them, nor have they found someone who they truly loved or had someone truly love them back. Love and the realization of it is not simply a matter of aging or experience for everyone, as everyone arrives at this in different ways and at different times. I myself didn't even know what it meant to love another person male or female until my Dad was diagnosed with a disease many years ago, and I blew my top at him for not taking care of himself properly. It was the first time in my life that I realized that I cared about another human being as much as I cared about myself, and I was much younger than 26 then. So it's much more complex than just age or experience, but simple in the sense that when it happens for sure, you know.

As for movies... as others have said, they have certainly done more harm than good, and quite frankly it's affected women far more than men. While there are some men who watch them, men are not the target market nor by any stretch the largest consumer of them... it's women. A lot of women are certainly holding out for fantasies that they've either seen in movies, or have conjured up original ones themselves after having been exposed to so many fantasies.

The OP is incorrect that loves is not real. The fact that you exist is an expression of love. The entire world exists on it. But the type of love I speak of is not the type that modern society defines. I'm talking about the type of love that does for the benefit of another and the elevation, the evolution of another, and/or the existence of another. Modern society sells a product style of love and most of us have been duped by it and we're paying the price.

The internet and the dating sites that have popped up over the years, simply amplify a problem that has existed for a long time since romantic love began to take shape in western civilization. There are always going to be a few people who get "lucky" in the dice roll, and a countless group of others rolling a loss. One would've thought that dating sites would've gone a longer way to curing the problem since exposure is worldwide and not just within a neighborhood. But all it's really done is made the act more expensive. That's not to say that there aren't a number of success stories, but the average online dater is not having any more success than they had when they were strictly offline. Sure, you can consider going on a series of dates leading nowhere as more success, but if the ultimate goal is to find a mate and it hasn't happened through this venue over a long period of time, it's at least worth the time to sit down and evaluate how the course has gone and where it's going, and if you're any closer today than you were prior to coming online.

Anyway, the type of love the OP described is a charade to begin with. The question is, do you want Hollywood's phony concept? Or do you want something real? I believe you do want the real, and the last paragraph of your post suggests that you understand that a real love is not roses all the time. You've already got one of the most important component down. Now, you just have to find someone who understands this as well and is willing to stick around, which of course is the hard part. There are plenty of mature guys out there, perhaps you've run into a number of them who aren't your types, or just haven't met some because they don't move in the same circles as you do so you could just be missing them by a lack of association.
 Wise_monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Is there ANY hope?
Posted: 6/29/2010 12:04:48 PM
The fantasy drive is ruining a lot of women's chances at real love. The phony men who supply the fuel for it are robbing themselves at something real as well.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Girl likes guy...but doesnt want to admit it.
Posted: 7/23/2009 10:18:52 PM
^^^ Very true.

I've been in a number of situations where a Woman liked me but didn't say a word to me until she saw me with other Women.

It's the age-old situation of "well if no one else is interested in him, then why she should I be?" A lot of Women wait for signs of acceptance from other Women before approaching a Man.

Happens all the time.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Dating in the Dark... would you do it?
Posted: 7/23/2009 10:13:18 PM
If everyone thought about all the people with great personalities and values they've turned down because they didn't fit a personal superficial model, and instead had accepted those people... this site wouldn't be as populated as it is, lol.

There are so many people out here that would probably make a lot of people happy, but they're not given a chance because of how much emphasis we put on the way a person looks.

I know one thing for sure, after you've known a person for a while the looks are no longer the biggest deal. If the personality is not there, it's going to be a short stay. In some ways, the dating in the dark concept sounds like a reversal of that and it's quite clever. The only problem is that you can't really date blindly on a long term basis. But I'd bet that if you could date someone blindly for 6 months, and you came to see how great a person he/she is, and then they revealed their face and you saw that they weren't exactly a knockout... I'd bet that many more people than we think wouldn't care because there's already been a strong emotional investment. I've learned that many times a person's personality for whatever reason can make them more attractive to another person. Doesn't mean a butt-ugly person will suddenly become gorgeous, but a lot of average-lookers are certainly enhanced by their personalities.

I've met Women that I wasn't attracted to at all (not ugly just not immediate eye-catchers), then I got to know them, saw how great they were, and suddenly they were beautiful to me. I just wish the whole world would try harder here.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Let go...Move on
Posted: 7/23/2009 9:58:07 PM
@emlamNsea...

Your shrink was a wise man.

It's very natural for us to think the reason why someone is not into us is all our fault, but through experience just as your shrink eluded to, you find that sometimes the person you're pursuing is damaged goods and they can't help but pull away from you because deep down they know it, too... or sometimes they don't know it but can't control themselves.

My Brother is damaged goods. He married a dream Woman; a wholesome, nice, beautiful, well-educated Woman that practically worshipped the ground he walked on and did anything and everything for him... then he dumped her for a nasty Woman who lived in a rundown part of town with a bunch of kids, no job and a mental history that would scare the beejesus out of Freddy Krueger.

To this day that poor lady probably thinks there is something wrong with her, but there wasn't and my brother himself said so, too. He says she was great, he just didn't love her and he doesn't know why. Of course, my Brother is a totally screwed up guy so in this regard his decision only makes perfect sense.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Is Chivalry REALLY Dead?
Posted: 9/3/2005 12:22:20 PM
Hey honestly_over_your_knee,

You understood what I was saying completely, which is rare when I mention these things in most circles, lol.

I think you touched on some great points that I wish our society as a whole could digest better:

1. Women ARE equal to Men. Where I think we've gone wrong in this society is that its been perceived that the gifts a Man has are more valuable than what a Woman has. So I think some of the Women's organizations fought with the idea that if they could help Women gain these roles, then they would gain more value from it.

What's missed is that both genders are equally important and the things we are gifted to do are equally important. So like I was saying, Women are equal to Men and a position or job title or sort of role can neither strengthen or diminish that. It is in our own minds that these things are strengthened or diminished. In all actuality, a renewal of our collective minds is in order, as we are being held captive by perceptions. I'm amazed at the damage it has done.

2. Give and take. We should definitely be trying harder on both ends. There is such a gulf between Men and Women on this one subject alone, but when you think about it, it spills out into everything in our society. You know how when you're out in public and you just don't see or hear the niceties as frequently as you would have years ago. People speaking to each other in such a rash manner. I think you nailed it right on the head when you mentioned the relationships a child sees when he/she is growing up, its really a big influence. I suppose this is a good marker to realize how far down we've gone :-(

Will it ever get better? Maybe, but I doubt I'll be in this body when I see it... Maybe that's a good thing for me
 
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