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 Author Thread: What's a man thinking when he says he'll call but doesn't?
 SoCal Bachelor
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
What's a man thinking when he says he'll call but doesn't?
Posted: 3/22/2010 11:38:04 PM
Hello Divaavid,

It is hard to say for sure what he is thinking, since only he knows that. However, it could be anything from he forgot to call to an emergency of some kind.

Nowdays when I tell someone I am going to call them, I do call them or I at least call to let them know that I will be calling them sometime in the near future. However, in my younger playing the field days it could be for many reasons. Usually, it was because when I was a night clubber I would meet someone new each time I went so it was easy for myself and the women to get distracted.

My experience is that many men and women stop communicating when they decide that they are no longer interested. And, sometimes that can be confusing if you have had some seemingly good conversations on the phone. One thing that I realized was that there is no shame when someone stops showing interest, since it is usually just a compatability issue or often times it could be the issue of the person who is not calling.

So, maybe he will still call, but if he doesn't I would encourage you to not take it personal, since it very well may not be at all. Many of us beat ourselves up for why we think the other person moved on and it really is unproductive. So, either way keep fishing and stay hopeful that the right man is out there for you.

Take care,

 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
Have a little ordeal myself...
Posted: 10/19/2009 4:31:39 AM
Connor -19,

There is some really good advice here. Yeah, I agree with the gentleman that said to be concerned about her being underage. I know in many relationship, it is not usually a problem if you are within a couple of years, but that will depend as he mentioned on how her parents view things. And, we all know that at your age things can happen pretty quickly if there is chemistry.

My advice would be to be her friend for now until she is 18. Stay in touch with her while she is away at college. It goes by quickly, believe me. Like boostman said, take it slowly and see where the relationship goes. She will likely respect you for it and it will take the presure off of your right now, after you awkward move, which seemed deep but honest. I agree with the others, not to appologize. It was possibly premature, but a very thoughtful comment you made to her.

Best wishes
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
Christians & online dating?
Posted: 10/19/2009 4:06:22 AM
Well, the good news is your not old. But, I do understand the loneliness that comes with being single. I would say, stick to your guns and continue looking for the woman that is the best fit for you. And, that would include being Christian. Just as it would if you were of another faith.

Actually, I am finding the same in my area, with very few Christian women. There are more than a few sites out there with a much higher percentage of Christian women, so you may want to consider this and another site, at any given time. And, keep in mind it only takes 1 woman...
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
Do Jews, Christians and Muslims All Pray to the Same God?
Posted: 10/19/2009 3:35:44 AM
(Response to message 11)

Message 11 says: "My 12 year old can make videos from her cell phone. She can do this by pushing one botton. People make cell phone videos when being shot at and during wars all the time. Me I would be much more worried about working my cell phone video when bombs were going off all around me then having the creator of everything in my livingroom. Is it hard to believe someone would take one of the "Big Guy" if he real did show up in their livingroom. What is hard to believe is that people would not want to get a pic with the "Big Guy" if he was real. There are security cameras all over the place now. Why would they not get a pic of him if he was real. Picture this... God appears before you and you have your cell phone in your hand with a video recorder on it would you hit one thing to get video evidance. Most people would. So why is there none? You pick crazy or making it up or both. Question things, some one would get a video if this really was happening, but it is not happening for real. Again the idea of mainifestations is not limited to one god, people from all different beliefs claim these things. What do they all have linking them. You pick but what it is not is real."

Firstly, in response to the OP, I would say any religion that is based from the Old Testament is in general worshipping the same and only God. How we do so differs after that.

And secondly, to freetime2bme, you are not alone in thinking the way you do. In fact, your thinking isn't too different than the many Christians who question their faith from time to time, because they can't see God or touch God in a tangible way, as we know it. And today, in our society if we can't see it or touch it, it is somewhat of a challenge to believe in something. That is where faith comes into play.

From the standpoint of God in the Bible, it is said that the face of God is so bright that it would blind a person, if they were able to be in His presense. So, that would not allow for much of a picture. Also, from the Christian perspective, when Jesus walked the earth, he was God in human form. But, unfortunately there were no cameras back then.

I'm not a scholar of world religions, however I have a feeling the Chrisitians, Jewish and Muslims would likely agree that you do not need to see God physically to believe in Him. It would be nice and we might prefer it, however it may not be on the top of God's list of needs. By the way, there are many things we can't see that are real, such as the waves from televison, radio and many other things. So, I wouldn't count God out too easily. He is much more sophisticated than our technology.
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
What does it mean when she says she will call, but doesn't?
Posted: 10/19/2009 2:20:08 AM

One other thing I meant to mention. The reason many men and woman do not call is because they may not be interested, but they also don't want to hurt your feelings or be the "bad" guy or girl. It is kind of code for I'm not really interested. Honestly, I have a lot of women friends and have dated way more than I should have and most women will tell you that if you call a third or more times, they are usually thinking, doesn't he get the hint?

So, just know that it happens to everyone and you are not alone on this one. Trust me. So, just know that most people are kind hearted and just don't want to be blunt with you about how they feel. Really, if you leave two messages, they will call you if they are interested.

Take care.
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
What does it mean when she says she will call, but doesn't?
Posted: 10/19/2009 2:06:24 AM
Hi James,

Many may not admit it, but many men and women have communicated by writing each other and felt they had something with someone. Who knows maybe you will, however I think what I and some others may be saying is that it may seem and feel very real, but until you are interacting in person or atleast talking on the phone regularly, it may not be as real as you think. I would explore the idea of meeting in person, even if it involves travel. And, if it doesn't happen then you will have a better idea what you have together, if anything.

And, as far as the phone calls go, if a woman does not return your phone call on the first message, then she may not be interested. If she doesn't return your second message, then it's highly likely she's not interested. When I was in my 20's I used to use the 3 message rule and I would leave 3 messages before not leaving any more. But, what I've found is that if she doesn't return your call after 2 messages, it is best to move on since she's not reciprocating. Believe me, if she's genuinely interested, if you have left a message or two and stop calling her, she will eventually call you.

My rule of thumb is very much like a salesman approaches his or her prospects. Not that a romantic relationship is like sales, but sort of. I focus on the prospects that are reciprocating and showing interest. The rest are a less productive use of your time and efforts. Pursue them, but let them pursue you back or you may be wasting your time. Always ask yourself, is she reciprocating or am I doing all the work here?

Hope this is helpful and best wishes!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 125 (view)
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/15/2009 2:47:12 AM
Wow, it sounds like he says some pretty hurtful things. If it is abusive then you are best off leaving regardless of the time you have been together. You do not deserve abusive treatment under any circumstances, so you need to either leave or ask him to stop the abuse.

He would be much better off encouraging you and being concerned for your health and approaching it that way. I think some people think that if they make something painful enough for someone then they will change. But in this case he is just making you feel worse.

It is true that the majority of men are overly concerned with appearance. This is similar to how some women judge men on their financial position.

If you think he will stop the abuse, then I would sit down with him and have a heart to heart about how he is hurting you and tell him you have the same interest to be healthier, however you need his encouragement. And, if he is unable to stop being abusive, then you will need to leave the relationship.

That is my best advice. Also, you might read a book called Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud.

Best wishes!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 44 (view)
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/15/2009 2:23:10 AM
Wow, Tarnished Knight and especially silentman, my hat goes off to both of your for your clear and logical thinking. I truly wish I had your thinking skills. I did very well in school, however just don't seem to have the clear thinking skills you guys seemed to be blessed with. You did what I was wanting to do, but couldn't figure out how to do so. And, that is dig a little deeper to understand the female psyche, of some of the women.

One of the given points appears to be that some women have a problem with a man using coupons on a date and some women do not. And, with the women that do have a problem with it, the problem seems to lessen with time or the number of dates. This tells me that for this group of women that there are different expectations and a higher level of judgement for the first few dates, than for the women that are more accepting of a man using a coupon.

Also, there have been some that have said that they see no problem with themselves using one, however if the man they are dating does then he is seen as cheap. The women who were more accepting said he woudl be frugal and in some cases better with managing his finances and the ones who disliked the coupons mostly called these men cheap. Therefore, this grouping of women would appear to have elevated expectations , which may lead them to being more judgemental and in some cases possibly even hypocritical.

After reading hundreds of entries on this subject, it has become relatively clear that many of the women who do not like men to use coupons when dating, as mentioned consider the men to be cheap. Yet, when silentman very logically explored why they consider it to be cheap or tacky, there was not a clearly defined reason. Therefore, it is possible that it is an emotional judgment, rather than a logical fact.

Another interesting thing I have noticed is that many of the women that have opposed coupon usage by men on dates, have shared that they do not feel as impressed or valued when her date uses a coupon. Or, that she deserves more than that. And, some have shared that they feel embarrassed by his using a coupon on a date. So, if her interpretation of his using a coupon at dinner comes with all these expectations, judgement, embarassment or feeling less valued, it is no wonder that this group of women would label the man as cheap, rather than frugal and a good steward of his finances.

Therefore, it would appear that her labeling him as cheap may have more to do with her reaction to her negative emotional feelings, based upon her expectations and judgement of how she perceives his motive or value judgement by using the coupon, rather than feeling neutral or positive if she were to look at the benefits logically.

Thankfully, most of us meet for coffee on the first date so it isn't such an issue, as presented here. However, this would make a good topic study for a psychology graduate student. I'm sure there have likely been studies done on this very topic at sometime in the past.

As for the women that may feel negative about a man using coupons on dates, it may be simply a matter of compatability. In other words, as the book the 5 Love Languages, indicates - we all have varying things that make us feel loved and that keep our love tank full. Many of us may have grown up where love was shown financially and not with a real connection of the heart. Where some of us may have grown up being shown love in other ways. And, so many of us didn't get the love and parenting we really needed. While some of us may have been more fortunate.

Personally, I much prefer a woman that is down-to-earth with reasonable expectations, less judgemental, low on the materialistic spectrum and relatively low maintenance (i.e. low drama). And, thankfully as this thread indicates, there are more than a few out there still.

By the way, I appreciate all that has been shared, even the opposing view points. This is a great place to grow and learn to be open to other viewpoints and ways of thinking. After all, wouldn't life be less interesting if we all thought and felt the same?
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/13/2009 5:39:06 PM
(Response to prior entry)

"If he uses the coupon, it makes 100% NO DIFFERENCE in the quality of the food or service you receive. The ONLY difference is he spent less money to get it. Which means he knows how to most efficiently use his dollars. In this day and age of upside down debt to income ratios - you'd think people would finally learn a lesson or two about making the best use of the money they have.

This is where I think it's just best to be you. If someone's logic is so flawed that they think you saving $5 is a deal killer (even though she got the SAME food and the SAME service), then they're probably not going to understand all your other purchasing decisions. Since money is one of the big killers in a relationship - why not find out now she'd rather see you spend more money for the same item to "prove" something to her?

In my experience, bait that hook with you. 100% you. Don't pretend to be anyone other than you - especially on those first critical few dates. Don't modify your behavior or spending habits. She's either into you for you... or she's not. And, the sooner you find out - the better."

Hi NerdStatus,

I couldn't have said it better myself.

You truly have the rare gift of excellent communication!

Many women have recommended not using coupons on the first few dates, which is doable in most cases. Probably not a bad thing to try as it may make for a more creative date, doing activity dates and such.

Many women have said that they do not make a negative judgement when a man uses a coupon to pay the bill at a restaurant, but it appears most will. After reading a few of the entries here and having spoken with a lady friend of mine on the subject last night, it appears that many, but not all, women, make this negative judgement because they somehow feel it is an indication of how interested the man is in her.

In my case this just isn't so, never the less if that is what they are thinking then it may be worthwhile to figure out how to work around that. A woman in an earlier entry recommended getting up from the table to pay the bill at the register or the bar. My lady friend said that if the coupon becomes a point of conversation with a date, it would be best if the person using the coupon explained to the other that they are just as valued when using a coupon, as they would be without using a coupon.

I personally don't understand a woman thinking we view them as any less because we use a coupon, but hopefully one of the women here can explain this way of thinking to us men. There have been a few women who have indicated this way of thinking.
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 195 (view)
Non-Religious Person dating a Jehovah's Witness
Posted: 10/13/2009 4:06:27 PM
Hi Pandora33,

You ask a good question. As a non-denominational Christian, I used to date women from outside my belief system, however it usually doesn't work because one of you eventually will probably want the other to come their way spiritually.

I'm not saying it can't work in all cases. For you it will probably be easier if you are not a believer, however at some point he will probably want you to become more spiritual if he is serious about his faith. You may want to ask him what his expectations if you were to marry, if that is in either of your future plans. This can often be an issue when it comes to having children.

Now on the other hand, if he is not a very serious believer then he may be more flexible. However, Jehovah's Witnesses are generally extremely devoted and very serious about their faith.

Also, if you were talking Catholic and non-denominational or Protestant, then sure there may be some differences, but you both would be Christian and have enough in common to find common ground. Or, even for some that are Jewish and Christian, there are some significant differences, but there are some significant similarities as well. Generally, the more devoted one is to their faith, the less they are willing to marry outside their faith.

At the end of the day, take into consideration all the advice you receive here, but the most important thing is that you talk with him about both of your expectations for the future if your relationship were to lead to marriage. If neither of you are thinking marriage, then it does not matter so much.

Best wishes and God bless

 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:58:35 AM
Responding to message 32:

"I have no idea but I would suggest that you forego dinner dates and choose activity dates for the opportunity to get to know each other better."

- Sure, activity dates would be a good alternative. A good suggestion!

"Dating provides us with an opportunity to assess the other's attitude about many things - money being one of them. In the precious, initial dates, I wouldn't be too enthusiastic about a guy who proudly pulled out "two for one" coupons. A not too pretty picture of future life would loom."

- I'm not sure the coupon should be pulled out proudly, however if he did why would a not so pretty picture of future life loom?
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:43:37 AM
Response to message 31: "Good grief.. watch for beer cans falling from the sky... Stop acting so clueless.. men on dates don't use friggin coupons."

Hi Only This,

I don't know that beer cans falling from the sky have anything to do with this forum topic or thread. I'm actually more of a red wine guy myself. You call it clueless. I'd call it curious. And, actually men on dates do use coupons. Maybe not all men or within the first few dates, however many men have and still do. If they didn't the Entertainment book would not have grown into such a popular publication. And, many upscale restaurants, such as even Morton's Steak House wouldn't have offered coupons. Good grief...unless only women have been using them?
 your guy next door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:54:07 AM
Responding to message 28: "More to the point, it indicates that the person is frugal. I grew up with a father who made an art out of frugality. Ultimately, the end message was that we were not worthy unless it was a bargain. What is the message you want your date to go home with?"

Sure, I can accept the judgement of being frugal. However, I think earlier posts may have used the word "cheap" loosely, since someone that is cheap is usually someone who doesn't cover their portion of the bill in a group or trys to leave their responsibilities on another, when they are capable of covering their own expenses.

I can see why one might feel the way you did, given your circumstances. However, at least in my case, when I use a coupon it usually doesn't have anything to do with the person I'm out with. It is simply a tool to either manage money better, allow me to afford a better dinner than I could otherwise or in todays scenario, being able to afford to do anything at all.

In answering your question about what message I would want my date to go home with? Based upon the thoughts people have shared previously and my recent past experiences, I have a feeling it would be unlikely that all of my dates would be comfortable with my using a 2 for 1 coupon to pay for dinner. Why a person would have a problem with it when I'm covering the cost of our dinner, is somewhat confusing to me.

It would still be nice to find someone that is less judgemental and simply appreciates the opportunity to go out for a bite to eat and to spend time getting to know one another better, regardless of how much is spent on the date. Therefore, the message I would want her to go home with after our date would be that how much is spent doesn't have anything to do with her personally. And, hopefully she would feel appreciative that she was invited out for a meal and to enjoy spending time together.

So roughly, what would you guess would be the percentage of women that would fall into the category that I'm hoping to find?
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 10/10/2009 3:16:38 AM
Response to message 3 which reads:

"Nothing wrong with coupons per se. But it does kinda say that you're cheap. When it comes to love, why be cheap?"

Why would using a coupon say that a person is cheap?
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 83 (view)
any ideas for masturbation ?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:49:11 AM
Hi Leanne,

It is shocking to see a thread like this. Anyway, I have good and bad news.

The good news is I may have an idea that will be helpful. In the early 1990's I used to date The Poor Man's wifes best friend. He used to have a late night radio show on KROQ. I believe it was called Night Line. He actually started the show, but was later replaced by Adam Carola and Dr. Drew. Anyway, questions like yours would come up every so often and it was regularly recommended that the woman position herself on her back and under the water spout in the bath tub with her legs up on the wall. Basically allowing the warm water to trickle down on your sensitive area. Hope it is helpful to you.

The bad news is that you may need some professional help. Although I was surprised to read your thread subject, it sounded overly open and a bit obssessive, but overall just a littel obsessed. Well, I then read your profile and I appologize for being so forward, but it seems you have taken things way past the fantasy stage. I'm not a therapist, but I know that many people fantasize about some fairly brutal things like rape, etc... But, your profile indicates you have been mistreated by others and that you are planning more times for the future. It is just my opinion but it would seem you are really putting yourself at risk physically and emotionally. And, I strongly urge you to look into getting some counseling to get on a healthier track. Not meaning to preach here but if I were your friend or family member I'd be pretty worried about you.

Is there anyone else here that after reading her profile would recommend the same things to her?
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 47 (view)
After 3 dates he called me beautiful, what do I say back?
Posted: 10/7/2009 2:59:01 PM

I think you did the right thing by just saying, thank you.

The only other advise I have is to take things slow and enjoy the process!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
Should mom tell on cheating future son-in-law and lose her job
Posted: 10/7/2009 1:38:21 PM
It is a little complex, but I think I understand the question. I would say that they mother needs to do something because her daughter should be one hundred thousand times more important to her than her job.

I'm sure there could be exceptions, but this is pretty serious stuff to a couple getting ready to be married. In my opinion it would be best for the mother to approach the son in law and have him tell her daughter. Also, it would give the son a chance to explain in the event there has been a misunderstanding.

If he's not willing to tell her then the mother should tell the daughter about the dishonesty. Otherwise, her daughter will probably have to encounter the same behavior at some point. The information is way too important to her daughters life and future, so she would be best to inform her one way or another.
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
this girl likes me but has a boyfriend
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:19:03 AM
Well, she seems to like you, but she also likes another guy. If she was really into her boyfriend, she wouldn't be telling you the feelings she has for you. But, beware she's not with you which also tells you something. She may not really know what she wants.

You have told her how you feel about her, so now you need to take a step back and see how she responds, if at all. Also, you need to be respectful of her boyfriend as long as she is seeing him exclusively. You would want the same respect from other men and from her, too.

You shouldn't wait for her because she's with someone currently. So there is no point in waiting. If I were you I would continue to date and keep your options open until you meet the woman that you feel compatible with, whether it is her or someone else.

Hope that is helpful!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
Is he in to me or what?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:07:39 AM

He seems to like you on some level, otherwise he wouldn't call at all or be playful with you at the bus stop. However, I agree with some of the prior responses that it seems like a juvenille way to show interest. He may be playing the field and he likes you, but he's not serious about you, in my opinion. Otherwise, as someone earlier mentioned, he would be calling you more often and taking steps to get to know you more. I would recommend continuing to date other people, until someone shows more interest. You can often tell by how much each person reciprocates with one another.

Best wishes!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 198 (view)
Women only seeking Christian men
Posted: 10/3/2009 5:46:31 AM
Being a Christian guy, I can see why it might seem that they are being closed minded. However I don't think it has so much to do with being moral and virtuous as it may have to do with sharing the same belief system and lifestyle. The Bible calls it being equally yoked. And, most therapists recommend that people marry someone of their same faith.

Most Christians realize that a person can be generally moral regardless of their religious beliefs. I have heard that the word good actually came about because of the word God. However, most Christians would use good to describe many things. And, while there are a lot of things that are good about the Christian religion, there are good things about all religions and people. In fact, most Christians believe that they are sinners, but good only because of God's grace.

I agree with you in that you can be generally moral and honest without being religious. In fact, being religious doesn't necessarily mean the person is moral or respectful.

Being respectful of anothers religion is a core value of ours in the U.S., since it is protected by our Constitution. However, to embrace ones own religion you really have to believe in one or the other.

You are right that we have a long way to go. I suppose it will always be human nature to split hairs and argue even within the denominations of Christianity, but we should always respect anothers right to worship, regardless of ones religion. That is the American way.

I hope this is helpful in clarifying why this subject is often misunderstood.

Take care!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 42 (view)
Are men uncomfotable when a woman doesn't shave her ARMPITS?
Posted: 10/3/2009 5:12:56 AM
I know there are parts of the world where this is more acceptable, however my gut level reaction would be that it would remind me of a man. Today, even some men are shaving their arm pits so who knows, but that was my first thought.
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 91 (view)
Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:06:44 AM
(Responding to the prior message from atlantis80)

Hi atlantis80,

I just wanted to respond to some of the things you said in your recent post above.

"Hate to break it to you, but just because a woman has priorities and being able to keep a roof over her head and expecting the same to be said of a man she is dating does not make her unbalanced nor callous. It's a standard she has and why should she lower the bar? Just get a job and stop sulking about it. I don't care what job, but seriously, find one or 4. Flip burgers, stock shelves, pick up trash."

Well, since you did break it to me, this is not a discussion about making enough to keep a roof over anyones head, unless that is what this all translates to most women. Is that what women are thinking when a man is unemployed? It seems worth exploring.

And, I guess a person can lower or raise the bar as they please, however we are only talking about dating. We're not discussing living together or getting married, although that may be the goal of many eventually.

By the way, I'm not sure why you thought I was sulking about anything? Although I have probably done something similar to all the jobs you mentioned, I'm not unemployed. I'm actually in business for myself and things are very slow due to the economy and a changing industry.

"Some of ya'll are making it sound like just because we want our potential partner to have a means of supporting himself we're just cold hearted biyatches."

I never said anything about cold hearted

"And we will enjoy your company but I also want you to be self sufficient. Has nothing to do with baggage or being burned because I have not. It's just common sense to me. If you guys had a job, you wouldn't be whining about this. But you don't, so you now you want woman to take pity on ya'll and date you anyways."

It is just my opinion, but your interest sounds conditional on whether someone is self sufficient. Again, we're talking about being unemployed, not without self-sufficiency. After all many people receive unemployment income, right? I don't think many here are looking for pity, however it may shed some light on what you think of someone that is unemployed.

"Some guys complain about gold diggers, now you want to complain about women who wants you to be financially stable not to support her but just so that you can support yourself. Are you kidding me? "

As far as women go, I think gold diggers are in the great minority. I would classify a relatively small percentage as gold diggers, but I'm only one guy. I'm not sure what others have said on the forum that you have read. But, I wouldn't classify myself as financially unstable, but I would agree that business is slow and it leaves less money or dating entertainment.

"This is laughable because most of the women on here that responded seemed to be capable of taking care of themselves and just expect the same in return. We dont want what's in your wallet. I don't care about your finances because I want you to take care of my every need and whim. But be realistic. You need a J-O-B. Trying to make a woman feel bad about wanting a self suficient, employed boyfriend is in itself selfish."

Again, we are talking about dating. And, if someone is somewhat short sighted I can see how someone might be able to translate being unemployed into not being able to take care of themselves, but I think in most cases people bounce back eventually. I don't think anyone is trying to make any women feel bad about wanting a self sufficient and employed boyfriend. It's just my opinion. I think the majority of people can still date while unemployed, even if it is done in a frugal manner. The challenge is finding a woman that is understanding and flexible with what a man can afford. And, again it is not about being self-sufficient. Unemployment is usually temporary and it's just dating.

"I used to work for Compaq, remember that company? So being laid-off is not pretty. But I'm not going to whine about it. Just like I'm not going to try to convince a guy who is really attracted to petite women to like me. It's his call. Doesn't make him vain or shallow. It's a preference. So move on to that woman who doesn't care if you have a job or not. But being critical of those who want their partners to be equal<--isn't that what you guys preach about on other topics?, is silly."

Yes, as I remember Compaq was purchased by HP and they make a good computer. I'm not sure what other guys preach about as far as being equal, but I don't remember doing so myself. And, I agree with your advice. I actually do move on when we don't share compatability in this area.

"But just like finishing school and not abandoning it for a romantic interest should be a priority. So is having a job. And I am clueless how either of those two can be looked down upon."

You are correct in saying that a college education should be a priority, but most can manage a relationship during traditional undergraduate college. I'm not sure that either thing is being looked down upon. It's just that people can be still worthwhile to get to know even when they do not have a job. And, they will likely have the time to do so after a day of looking for work, right?

"Hey's me kettle. You think we're judgemental for just wanting you to have a job but you're passing judgement on us for not giving in on what we want for our future partner."

I'm not sure about the pot and the kettle, however I do agree with you that a person should be free to select their partner any way they feel fit. But, I'm still not convinced that someone being unemployed makes them unfit to be someones future partner, unless one feels that unemployment is not temporary. Most unemployed people will be working sometime in the near future. Call me optimistic, but that is my opinion.

"Ive only said I want anyone I start dating to self sufficient. I have yet to call you a lazy bum for not having a job. That would be judgemental since I dont know why you don't have one. But you're fine dolling out the criticism of us for wanting you to be able to provide for yourself by being employed. "

And, I'm sure plenty of the unemployed men out there are and will be self-sufficient, even if unemployed today. I appreciate your not calling me a lazy bum, since that would not be fitting. I don't think I was dolling out criticism based upon a womans expectations of a mans ability to provide for himself. or visa versa if the genders were reversed. Although there are some people that are unemployed that may not be able to provide for themselves financially, I would expect most will come out okay. It is interesting if this translation is what other females see, as I'm not sure men see being unemployed as not being able to support themselves. There's a new forum thread topic! Honestly and seriously, I find this interesting.

"I never though wanting someone to have a job and encouraging them to find one before he starts any kind of serious relationship would ever be frowned upon."

Wanting someone to have a job and encouraging them to find one before they start a relationship is not necessarily frowned upon. Infact, the encouragement would probably be welcomed by many dealing with unemployment right now. However, I think there is a difference between encouraging them and expecting them to find a job before they start a relationship with you.

"The other factor is the state of mind you wil be in when you're worrying about finding another job and what's going to happen. I don't see that as being conducive to dating someone new. "

If you are referring to someone feelings uncertain, fearful and possibly a drop in self-esteem due to being unemployed then I agree with you that ones mindset could be a factor. However, some may be able to handle things okay. Especially if their needs are being met by unemployment compensation and if they have saved for a rainy day.

Thank you for your contribution and for taking the time to respond to my posting.

Take care and God bless!
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 89 (view)
Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:41:33 AM
Thankfully, not all women are as measured as some of the women on this thread. Sure, I can understand feeling hurt about past relationships that didn't work out the way you had hoped. That is called baggage and we all have some of it. Maybe some women here have had unpleasant circumstances dating men that were unemployed, but for the most part it sounds like a business arrangement.

For myself, I prefer a woman that is more balanced and understanding of the circumstances a potential partner may find her or herself in. It's called empathy and unfortunately it seems to be running a bit thin from what I'm reading.

If a man or woman can't handle the fact that their partners business is slow or are unemployed, then I'd say it is the perfect filter. Who needs that type of judgemental partner anyway? In other words, who made them the supreme being judge? It's just my opinion, but I'd say they could be missing out on some really great people just because they can't see past their partners wallet...

Many have said they would put their life on hold until they find a job, but many of us can afford to get together for a discount movie, a DVD, casual dinner, coffee, romantic walk, etc... but we should put our lives on hold? Yeah, I suppose so if the partner is only looking to be pampered, but my guess is that there are many people out there that are less judgemental that realize that judgements simply on whether someone is unemployed is a bit shallow and short term thinking.

Personally, I would rather have a woman in my life that enjoys my company whether I can afford a full scale restaurant or casual dining. It's not like there aren't a plethora of other people out there to date. But, I will say this, I have grown increasingly fond of women that are open and honest about their feelings on financial matters. Mostly because if I sense they are more interesting in my finances than what I'm about as a partner, then I gratefully thank them for their candor and move on to the next...
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 71 (view)
Dating while unemployed
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:07:02 AM
This is a very interesting topic namebd. And, I can relate to your dating experiences of feeling a cut below a womans expectations, when it comes to dating during lean financial times.

My business is very slow, so I'm pretty much unemployed, but get no unemplyment compensation. So, I'm probably in even a worse scenario, since my retirement is paying the majority of my expenses.

Anyway, my experience has been similar. Over the past couple of years I have taken out a number of ladies and typically after a date or two the great majority of them reveal concerns over the level of entertainment I have been able to afford. Please keep in mind that I live in Southern California, so expenses are high as are the expectations of many, but not all of the women.

What is surprising is that I was taught when growing up that ladies should love you for who you are as a person. So, it has been a bit of a downer to learn that is not typically true.

I learned this when my cash flow dried up and had less to spend on dating. It was like a night and day experience. As long as I had money to take them out to an average or better dating experience all went smoothly and well. But, what I noticed was when I tried to be creative and still do something with them, but maybe not at the level I used to be able to afford, then they just didn't stick around for long.

These are actual scenarios. I met this woman for coffee at Starbucks in the Santa Anita area and she asked if we could go across to BJ's Chicago Pizzeria to the bar for appetizers and beer tasting. Apparently it wasn't good enough for a first date. Then the next date I took her to The Original Spaghetti Factory for dinner and she asked me why I didn't make plans with her for after dinner. Because, I hadn't it was supposed to be an indication to her that I wasn't very interested. No it just wansn't in the budget... That was our last date.

Then I invited another woman to dinner, and she would ask if we could see a movie after dinner. It sounds like fun but I told her maybe another time. And, she would ask does it have to be one or the other? And, eventually I had to tell her that I wasn't in the position to do both and why don't we do see a movie next time. This happened with her twice and I realized she wasn't the one for me. Under normal circumstances it wouldn't be a problem, however when one is on limited funds it just is.

There are other stories I could share but I'll end with this last one. I met a gal a few weeks ago. Our first few days were really nothing short of awesome. However, once we had been out a few times and realized that I was on a real budget, it really changed her feelings for me and she was blunt about it. She apparently eats out regularly at full scale restaurants and does not cook and was not willing to go to a Daphnes's, Baja Fresh, Corner Bakery or Panera Bread kind of place where you ordered at the counter. That along with my business being slow I think at least were a very big part of the new relationship to going South. In all fairness, there were other issues it didn't work out, since she eventually told me that she wasn't interested in having children, which is an obvious problem for compatability. But the point is that the criticism or rejection is often there in one way or another.

Now, to add a little balance here, these women may just not have been for me and I for them. And, I love women and respect them very much. My rocks were my grandmother, my mother and my sister and I have a ton of female friends. So, this is not coming from a woman hater or anything like that. I am however sometimes frustrated that things do not get further because of what appears to be a financial judgement and that can be bruising to a mans ego. Especially, when he is spending money that he really shouldn't because he really wants to see a relationship work with someone.

Being in Southern California, my experience is not unusal to men in my financial position, as I've compared notes with more than a few. But, I'm still staying optimistic even though it can be challenging. My mother still maintains that it only takes one. And, I believe she is right. I don't know when I will find her or she finds me, but I think it is important to remember that we are not dating the entire human race of the women's species.

I know there are some women that are not willing to accept a guy in my position. One of those such gals is a good friend of that is how I know. But, as many have said in the forums here, there are enough kind and warm hearted women out there that will be understanding during these difficult economic times. So, that is the hope I am holding out for. One would think that there would be good women out there with some vision and belief that the future will be brighter. Just one...
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
oops! I did it again....
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:28:07 AM

After reading about your past experiences, it is not surprising that you are feeling the way you do. I agree with prior posters here that some counseling could be very helpful in figuring out why you are feeling the way you do and how to work toward a better mindset. Addiction and abuse have caused many to experience the same things so you are not alone.

A friend once recommended a book to me and I would recommend you at least go to Borders and see if you can relate to the introduction and back cover. It is called, "The Dance of Intimacy". I'm not a therapist, but it is worth taking a look at just in case may answer some questions for you.

Best wishes
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
Is it a good idea for a couple to tell each other how much money they make?
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:30:35 AM
An earlier responder said that you should discuss it when each others incomes become each others business. That seems to really makes good sense!

I would say if the relationship is moving toward marriage and you decide that you would like to propose, then you may want to discuss it prior to engagement. Infact, many churches have pre-engagment classes that can lead you through the process. But, if you both are not at that point then there is really no need to discuss it.

I have found that most women are pretty good at sizing up a mans income level, but don't always have the whole picture. From what my lady friends have said, they typically consider your occupation, your car, where you live, do you own or rent, do you have a room mate, lifestyle, and types of places you take them for dates and get a pretty good idea of how one is doing.

My guess is that if she is pressing you for the information, it is because she wants to know before she becomes more committed. And, I have found that women want to know that you are making and can bring to the table the same or more than they can. Not all but a fair amount of them, and if asked they will agree.

Hope your discussion goes well...
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 5:45:22 AM

Sorry to hear things ended that way. It doesn't sound like she has given you an opportunity for adequate closure. I went through something similar a few years back and yes even a 6 month relationship can bring you to your knees emotionally, if one begins to have visions of the future with that person.

I'm not a therapist, however assuming all is as you explained it, it sounds like she was really into the relationship and kind of turned on a dime, if you will. You know her best, so if you suspect that she may have had some emotional intimacy issues, I might recommend a book that is excellent on the issue. By the way, emotional intimacy issues are pretty common. The book is called The Dance of Intimacy and I do not know the author, but it has tribal people dancing on the cover. It is about how people run from relationships because the intimacy is just too much or scary to handle.

If you don't suspect this is the problem, then please disregard this recommendation. However, I'm sure it will help someone out there.

Regardless, I feel you pain and the most important thing that will be of help is to know that you are not alone as most if not all of us have been through the pain of a rough break up. For me going to the gym for cardiovascular exercise every night was very helpful in handling the negative feelings.

Best wishes
 Your Guy Next Door
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:31:52 AM

At your age it may seem like a lot. And, it may be depending on what each of you are looking for in a relationship. For example, are you both on the same page as far as the timing of marriage and children? Also, keep in mind that as we get older a 10 or 11 year difference becomes less of a difference because we become more similar in our thinking and life stage.

Another way to look at it is that women typically date men that are older than them. Not always, but it is fairly traditional to do so. So, is a few extra years a good reason to keep looking? Or, would you have preferred to stay with him because he was a good fit as far as chemistry and compatability?

I think the biggest decision is whether you are wanting to date more people before marriage or are you ready to settle down? And, what are his feelings on the subject. Are you thoughts in agreement or do they clash?

Probably the best advice anyone can give you is to discuss this question with a few senior friends or relatives that have greater wisdom than most of us on this site.

Best wishes,

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