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 Author Thread: Is it racism when....
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 97 (view)
 
Is it racism when....
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:59:11 PM
I don't think its at all racist to have sexual preferences. Some people like blondes, others like brunettes. Some like other certain body features, and skin color or other race defining features such as the way the eyes are shaped, lip shape, straight hair vs curly, etc, etc, etc.. There is absolutely nothing wrong being being attracted generally to a certain race or not being attracted to a certain race. I know of Asian girls that only want to date white guys and are not attracted to their own race. What kind of racism would that be? its not racism.

Now on the other hand if you are saying that you don't want to date Asians because of or some other racist view, well then yes it would be racist. But if you have made it clear that you're just not attracted to them, then I say, no foul.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Whats the real thing that u feel when u find a soul mate? its only about chemestry or phisical, ?
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:52:34 PM
I recommend the following book on this subject:

"The Road Less Traveled"

http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-25th-Anniversary/dp/0743243153/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245192668&sr=8-1
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 131 (view)
 
Men....what do you think if SHE pays ?
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:49:54 PM
I think its great!
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Changing a person v. Give and Take
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:48:19 PM
Generally speaking, people don't change.

I think in general you have to learn what people are like before you get too serious with them and then either accept them or move on to someone else that fits your bill. In a relationship I think your job is not to try to "fix" your partner. Your job is to love and accept your partner, but if your partner himself( or herself) wants to improve in some way and needs your support to do so, then by all means help them fix themselves. But no matter the reason, no matter how valiant or right you may think it is, if you try to fix your partner in a way that makes sense to you but not to them, it isn't going to work.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 161 (view)
 
Can a relationship work out if the woman does the chasing?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:43:16 PM
Its 2009. If you want a guy, chase him. But be prepared for rejection, it comes with the territory.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Age difference too much?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:37:09 PM
A good rule of thumb I have heard for a max age difference is half your age + 7. That would be 22-23 for you. but hey, there can always be exceptions and when you're 36 she will be 25 and apparently would be within the range... he heh. Never know. But in all liklihood, this will not last. But you're both adults..why not just enjoy the present for as long as it lasts.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What would come to your mind?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:33:04 PM
In general its not a great idea to jump to conclusions or read in between the lines too much. Maybe they just like the ex. Maybe they happen to know the ex was alone this xmas and they wanted to be giving and share some time with her. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is no rule that says that all family and friends have to disassociate themselves from an ex when you break up with them.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
disloyalty
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:27:10 PM
sounds like you both have issues. You had no right to look at his phone messages. You've been dating for a month? Since when did he have to swear his undying alegiance to you at this early stage. What he communicates with his ex is none of your beez-wax

On the other hand, why is he exchanging that kind of stuff with his old GF while starting up something with you? Yea, he has issues too.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 73 (view)
 
How does a guy who got used to prostitutes get back to a normal life?
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:47:57 PM
Wolverine, I don't think you're ready for a real relationship. If you mainly want to date just for sex, then you might as well stick with the hookers. But I think you need to separate the question of sex from the idea of a relationship. Being in a relationship is a lot of work, there is no question and hopefully there is more to get out of it then just sex, otherwise, you really would be better off just paying a pro for it.

Seems to me that you have had an interesting experience for the past couple years, but now you need to get your mind off sex. Try to create some purely platonic relationships with women and see how it goes.

You're way too young to be cynical about dating.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 236 (view)
 
Why men don't marry anymore
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:32:06 PM
Marriage as an institution is fundamentally broken now. It served a certain purpose for thousands of years, which was to unite the male and female gender together in some kind of balanced state where the needs of the children would be provided for fully in a stable kind of way. Various changes in the way humans are working, living, earning money, etc..have taken place in recent years. This has led to new laws effecting this ages-old institution, such that it is no longer balanced. Men are in fact currently getting the raw deal in marriage, and they are starting to wake up to this fact and say "no". I expect this situation to worsen until/unless the marriage concept is fixed in such a way that both men and women feel it is fair for them, while also attending to the needs of the children they are theoretically going to procreate together.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 130 (view)
 
Never Cheated and Never Will? Claim it &Tell Us Why..?
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:26:28 PM
I never have and never will. My parents were/are old school and I respect it.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Can a long distance relationship work?
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:25:04 PM
for me, no. But it seems to work for some.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Do men see women's virginity as sexy?
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:24:19 PM
virginity makes no difference whatsoever about whether someone is sexy or not.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Dating people from different cultural backgrounds
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:23:00 PM
Its 2009. Date who you want. Culture doesn't matter any more.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Cheating vs. Abandonment
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:16:51 PM
Its definitely not cheating. That is a bit dramatic to think of it that way. Its almost just as dramatic to think of it as abandonment. Its not that either.

How many hours a day is he playing video games? I think a growing number of men (and women) are forming addiction problems to video games, there is no question about that. That problem is HIS problem, not yours. Don't make this about you. Its not about you. Personally I think its a waste of life to spend so much time playing video games, but to each their own, if that is what he really likes doing then so be it.

Now all of that being said, if you need more attention than he is giving you, then you need to find a way to communicate that or consider finding a new partner that will satisfy your needs.

Everyone is different.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 197 (view)
 
Why do Babes dig ugly guys?
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:03:12 PM
because the so called "ugly" guys you are talking about must have more guts then you to approach them. Simple as that.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Women And Children First
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:41:07 PM
hey man, if someone in their 30's really wants to have children, then they should definitely make it a priority to date like minded individuals. Kudos to them! I am 43, I feel I missed my window of opportunity to start a family. Anyone who wants this should get started on it asap and don't mickey mouse around with people that are on different wave lengths.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 95 (view)
 
Can you experience that amazing chemistry/connection more than once??
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:39:00 PM
I sure hope so. but I am beginning to think that the older you get, the less likely it is to happen. I think probably that feeling you're talking about is partly chemical, which fades away as a possibility as you age...particularly if you haven't experienced it in a long time. but hey, never say never..
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Is it ok to ask for your wedding ring back after divorce?
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:32:58 PM
I'm no lawyer, but I think a wedding ring is not a "gift"...its a unifying symbol. In a divorce it should be counted as just one of the family assets in the divorce proceedings and either sold or allocated to one person or the other as if it were cash.

Or what if the ring were a priceless family hierloom from the groom's family? Clearly he should get it back. I can't think of any reason under the sun that woman should be allowed to just keep it for free. If she gets to keep it, then there should be a value placed on it which is taken out of the rest of the "goodies" that are up for grabs in the divorce. I think most women would not really want to keep it anyway for any reason other than spite or to collect the cash...so really....it should just be considered part of the family assets and negotiated appropriately....unless its a family hierloom in which case it should automatically go back to the groom no questions asked.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 39 (view)
 
I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:30:14 PM
a lot of people I know, including men and women, that have been married before...especially twice....do not want to do it again. I would not take it personally. I likes you and wants to spend time with you. Accept that as the gift it is and enjoy your time. Who knows how long it will last...maybe a lifetime.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 160 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/16/2008 3:10:53 PM


So because it's a man's emotional outburst it's ok? Women get angry and they are man haters but a man is just having a difficult day?


I did not actually say that I think his outburst was ok. If I were trying to do that why would i word it that way? I called it exactly what it was, an emotional outburst. Why are you trying to create another he said, she said situation by inferring that I did try to say its "ok"? I was not meaning to defend his "outburst", simply trying to explain his point of view which although passionate and full of flame, still has some validity underneath it that might be missed.

By the way, I have never called anyone a man hater on this site, FWIW.



I agree yet find it interesting there is little compassion for the women who didn't have a loving father.


Well first of all, how much compassion do you hear being laid down for
violent men or men with serious problems? None. Oftentimes those very men are
the result of no-father. FWIW. Compassion has a limit when the actions being taken by these people is damaging the lives of others. Compassion should always be there, but so should justice, mercy for the victims, etc..

Second, you need to separate compassion from civil discussion. These issues are real, are happening and need to be discussed. It is our generation that is establishing the future for our children and their children with pretty radical changes in our societal structure.... Yes we need to discuss these things and political correctness is not going to cut it. Yes you can feel sorry for someone, feel compassion for them and still criticize them at the same time. Those are not mutually exclusive. And what about compassion for the children?!?!? Isn't that what we're really talking about here? Stop
crying victim, stop complaining about the criticism. Think about the children.

Interestingly, this all gets back to the argument about exactly why single parenting is so toxic to our society. Single parents raise many kids which are not completely mentally healthy as adults for all the reasons we have been identifying. Both men and women, in different ways. Then those new adults are eventually going to try to get together and create their own dysfunctional family? They will be even worse. We're actually already on the second round now and look around, things are broken, and probably gonna get worse. Several generations down the line, its not looking good.




That's not even half of the raising of a boy. He doesn't see the love,
passion, and committment between a good mom and dad and his wholesome family.


FWIW, that is the female perspective. That is what daughters learn from their
dad, but not actually by watching mom, its more by dad loving them directly.

Boys and girls may get a "role model" by watching their dad and mom be romantic and loving
..but that stuff does not really have some kind
of life changing transformational impact on them. Boys don't need to see
their mom loving their dad to know that their mother loves them just as much
perhaps even more sometimes. A boy needs the love of his mother a lot more
than he needs to see his father and mother loving. Matter of fact, usually
what happens is that around age 5 the boy will start considering dad as
competition for mom's love.

As far as watching the two of them together and learning how to be romantic
and treat a woman right, that is just plain old good role modeling. We should
distinguish between plain old role modeling, which can be learned from
many different places, including tv, movies, teachers, friends, neighbors,
siblings, books and any number of other places.

This is distinct from the deep deep psychological stuff I have been trying
to talk about that only a father and mother or very close 2nd place perhaps
can have that kind of transformational impact on a child. It really cannot by replaced by the boy scouts, the army or anything else.


 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 148 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:07:30 AM

my daughter needs to see a man that while different can be her compliment in life (assuming she turns out straight).


yea. Also I think a very big thing and important thing that gets picked up from father to daughter and almost nobody else can do it....is that a loving father can show her what it means to be truly loved by a male in a positive way, without sexual attraction being part of it. Girls without fathers (or girls with abusive fathers), are often usually very confused on this point.

Beavin, I think Moon's emotional outburst is related to the fact that there are quite a lot of women on this thread giving justifications for why they are single mothers. And I think he is trying in his own way to say "stop justifying it". Try harder to not end up that way and quit blowing rosey colored smoke up each other's asses about it.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 144 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/16/2008 9:52:10 AM


Since you didn't have a positive male role model you have to work a bit harder to learn how to raise a secure boy. I went to a kid/parent play group and found a mother who was raising boys in a postive way and learned from her example. I put my kids in boyscouts, sports and church groups where interaction with men would be high.

It's not that I doubt you want or can raise your son to be a fine person without a male role models, it's that I know a boy raised without a male influence is open to insecuries we will never understand because we don't have a talley wacker lol.


ms beavenhouse, very well said!
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 139 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 10:47:09 PM
that's definitely part of it jennie. Boys need to be boys.

I think most single mothers do actually figure this much out. The school system isn't there yet, but mothers know. Most mothers I know get pretty mad when the school teacher tells them their boy needs to be on ridilin, for example. They know and love their boy and know that their boy is just being a boy and this creative energy needs to be harnessed, and eventually focused, but not subdued.

Unfortunately our school system is currently failing the boys in this regard. New stats are coming out that the boys are not going to college and they aren't succeeding in the school system as is. I've watched my nephew going through this in the school system for the past 5 years. Recently he went to summer camp for a week. He is not a problem kid at all, if anything he can be a little bit too sensitive. Nonetheless, when he's with his two buddies, they have a lot of energy. I asked my nephew if he had fun at camp. He shrugged his shoulders. I was surprised to hear it was only "ok" for him. I asked more questions. Turns out the counselors had split the three boys up on the first morning into separate groups instead of letting them be together in the same group. They couldn't handle the energy of the three boys according to my sister. Consequently, they were separated from each other and got whatever they got out of it, but definitely not as much fun as it would have been with the three musketeers together. But the reality is that the mostly (if not all) female counselor staff can't deal with the energy of three tight friend boys together. In older days, there would be male counselors and the boys would have been put together with a male counselor that could not only deal with it, but would know how to tap into it and focus their creative boy energy into positive stuff.

Anyway, as I was saying...that much...most mothers totally understand and want to allow their boy to spread his wings and fly...

However, its also pretty much impossible, according to experts, for an adolescent boy to transform into a mature man with positive masculine energy by himself without the help of trusted elder male involvement. This may be difficult for women to understand because women do in fact turn from girl into woman somewhat more on their own. They start having their period one day and everything changes...they wake up and realize they aren't a little girl anymore. They grow breasts. They obtain sexual energy and power to attract males. This transforms them mentally into a woman, perhaps not overnight...but it does happen...and nobody else really has to do anything to them to transform them into a woman.

Boys don't have anything like that which happens to them to give them a mental wake up call and transform them into men. This is why most societies...going back thousands of years...have rituals that men typically do to bring boys into manhood. Every culture is a bit different, but as an example, in the Amazon tribes they literally break into the boy's hut in the middle of the night one night in his adolescence and drag him off to the men's secret headquarters in the jungle where the boy is put through some series of rituals, often times very scary to the point that he may even fear he is going to die(but he won't, its just the fear of it they are bringing out). Basically they try to create a sort of rebirth where the boy comes out the other end of this experience mentally transformed into a "man".

In other more civilized societies there are other types of more subtle rituals that have taken place...but it all amounts to the male elders of a family or tight knit community, helping the boy to separate himself from his mother, mentally, and move away from mother's world into the man's world. Its a mental shift. The influence of the so called "great mother" is extremely powerful to boys...and unless the boy goes through some kind of transforming event, it can plague him well into his 30's as a terminally adolescent male that continues to worship the "great mother" energy, as it is often referred.

if a boy does not have this elder male group to pull them into manhood, then he will probably try to do it himself, but usually will get it all wrong. This is where things like gangs come from. That is the extreme case, but there is no coincidence that gang members nearly always have no father around. There is all manner of negative behavior that can happen if a boy does not have a strong male community to help him transform. Very best case, a boy may simply end up highly feminized and will never try to become a man at all...but will in fact not become a truly mature man until maybe his 40's.

Today, in america, most of this elder male involvement has been all but obliterated. It doesn't exist. We are completely on our own to figure it out. Its estimated by some experts that this is not happening to most men until they are in their 40's where they finally put it all together and seperate themselves from the great mother spirit. How do mama's boys manifest the fact they are still stuck on their mommies? It can be anything from dating extremely older women, which is an obvious one, but also when you see young men that worship the female body, to a point of "worship", not just being attracted to females, but literally "worshiping" the female body, etc..that is all mama energy...they haven't transformed. They will be the first guys to cheat or be players. There are all kinds of different traits that un-transformed boys will manifest if they are not transformed by elder males into the world of men. But that is what is becoming of our society now...its so common now that most people in america don't even know what positive masculine energy is anymore. It is being erased from our culture. Single mothers with boys are one of the prime reasons for the change. Absentee fathers.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 137 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:40:00 PM
Yes Klopper....that is exactly the point.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 128 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 4:10:24 PM


And to an earlier comment about the social experiment of divorce vs the stability of the nuclear family. The nuclear family and the isolating of families away from a community of extended family is the social experiment. For most of our evolution humans have lived in large communities of family members in which an aunt, sister, grandfather, or brother could be an alloparent to offspring. The nuclear family as an island is a fairly new concept-if you look at a few hundred years as recent.


Yes that is definitely true also...good point.... That is also part of the problem. Its all wrapped up and tied together... and part of why our society is on a collision course for disaster...
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 127 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 4:04:16 PM
Wow... I love to throw gas on the fire and run away to my day job while the flames burn everyone's eyebrows off. A couple follow ups to assertions and presumptions made about my earlier comments

1 - About pre 1950's, I'm not sure what you mean by that...I don't really know for sure what it was like back then as I was not alive, so how can I want a return to it? I do think that in particular in the 1950's, men were a little out of control as women are now. But looking back on the past thousand years, yes I do happen to think we're on the wrong path as a society now. We're probably not ever going back though, that's a given. I think we will crash and burn, then start over, and yes, probably more in line with what humans have done for thousands of years.

I hope people realize that the early feminist writers actually wrote of a world where children are raised by the state...even mothers would be relieved of their parenting. We are actually on a path to that kind of world already. Fathers have been essentially deemed non-essential. Mothers are next.

2 - Accidental pregnancies, etc.. Women today are responsible for their own pregnancies. There are literally dozens of ways for a woman to prevent her own pregnancy, including abstinence. Men have abstinence of course, permanent surgery and condoms (and condoms are statistically a bad form of birth control). Roe vs Wade gave women the completely final say on whether or not they want to have a child, so the bottom line is that they must accept completely responsibility for the birth. You can't hold some man you barely know accountable. On the other hand, who will be the father? Women are really the ones that are in control of whether or not a child will be born into this world, and more and more they are choosing to do so without a father. I'm not trying to make excuses for deadbeat dads...i think they are deplorable as well, but let's get real, there are a lot of situations where two people should definitely NOT be having a child together, and yet the woman often chooses to go through with it anyway. Its no big secret that women have biological clocks that drives them to want this. The problem is that currently our society is not placing enough of a stigma on it...so they are starting to choose this option and living in peace with the idea of being a single mother....which is a selfish act really. Very unfair to any child that is brought into the world that way.

3 - A large percentage of the women that I date these days are single moms. i ask them all why they are divorced or single otherwise. Overwhelmingly the response is some flimsy excuse that is not a good reason for leaving a perfectly good man to raise children alone. They figure they earn enough money, they can handle it. No regard for the long term mental health of the children is ever considered, nor do they ever mention anything about it when explaining themselves to me. to be honest, I can only think of one out of several dozen that had a reasonable reason for leaving her husband and she was not from the USA. I'm not saying you're all like that. Some of you had sex with someone that wasn't ready to be a father. I haven't dated anyone like that, but I know you're out there. But still, see my previous paragraph about why you, the single mother, are ultimately responsible for bringing a child into the world without a father, so please stop crying victim.

The facts are that right now, currently, nationwide....40+% of children have a single mother. And the number is growing. Do we have to go back to 1950's situation to stop that trend? I would like to hope not, but something is definitely broken on the path we're on. Women are getting more and more cavalier about being able to raise their kids alone and they are basically saying things like "well I wanted the guy I had sex with me to be the father but he wasn't into it, so I'm doing it alone and they are growing up just fine so I'm not worrying about it". Its complete and utter selfishness and ignorance.

Yea there are some cases of women that are victims of terrible situations and my heart goes out to them. But the trends are that single motherhood is being legitimized, to the detriment of our society.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 98 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 1:09:21 AM
PDX,
you attempted to disqualify the assertions that kids without their father grow up messed up. A lot of people disagree with you. You're just trying to justify that its not so bad for kids to have a single mom.

It is my opinion that many women, especially the single moms....will do anything and think anything to help justify the position they are in and feel good about it. frankly I don't think they should ever feel good about it. They should feel like dirty rotten awful mother for bringing a child into the world without a father....no matter the reason.....if even the only reason is that they chose poorly. The responsibility is still on them and there is no excuses whatsoever for trying to dismiss it and downplay the seriousness of the situation for the children involved. They should be doing everything in their power to replace a runaway dad or dangerous dad....with another stand in male father figure. But instead...the vast majority of single mothers are signing up for single motherhood responsibilities and convincing themselves that this is perfectly ok. AND ITS NOT!!!!!!!! The women doing this are screwing up the society for our children's children.

You didn't understand why I called you the pot calling the kettle black, so let me try again. For thousands of years, mother/father family households have been the standard operating procedure for taking care of and fostering the mental and emotional development of children into adults. Its only very recently that the rules are being changed...without ANY evidence whatsoever that it will be ok. Its a complete social experiment and our children are the guinea pigs! Then when people try to point out all the ways that this new social experiment is probably screwing up our kids, you try to disarm this by saying there is no proof. BUT YOU HAVE NO PROOF THAT YOUR SOCIAL EXPERIMENT WILL WORK. Why do we need proof, but you don't? You're the one endorsing what amounts to a massive change in the social order compared to what has been done for thousands of years...yet you don't need to have proof to do it and we need proof to prevent it. That is a double standard. That is the pot calling the kettle black. And it represents ignorance.

 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 94 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 12:07:55 AM
pdx,

You can use that kind of logic to justify anything you want. You're a little bit the pot calling the kettle black here... You're saying that all of these stats can be misconstrued so they don't prove anything. Yet to you, the mere fact of that is proof enough for you that there is no risk by separating parents from their children? You don't have any proof at all that its ok to seperate parents from their children, yet you feel justified in that action because it hasn't been proven to you that the opposite is the case.

You're also taking this position at the expense of innocent little boys (and girls) that are quite literally suffering without their father around. Do you honestly think its socially responsible for you to take that position in the face of no evidence whatsoever that single parenting is better for the kids, yet there is tons of evidence to the contrary?

The proof is all around you if you are willing to open your eyes and look around. A lot has been written about this in the past 10 years. Go read.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 79 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 10:15:19 PM
mthomjmark,

I don't have time to find it at the moment, but google for "Unwin" and "86" and see what you find.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:45:24 PM
it baffles me how so many women can simply not fess up to the fact that boys need their father around. The problem is that women have no idea what its like to be a little boy.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 56 (view)
 
how do you get over your first love?
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:04:14 PM
It took me at least a year after my first love to even date again, and I thought about her a lot for a few years after that. One time I saw her across a crowded room, several years after we had broken up and I thought I was over her, and I felt my heart stop. That was 15 years ago and I think I haven't thought about her too often in a long time and now I can say that I just have fond memories and wonder how she's doing, probably raising a family somewhere far away by now.

It just takes time. Once you feel like you are past the general sadness and hurt and just kind of missing them, then you gotta move on and date other people and fall in love again...which you will if you give yourself the chance.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 75 (view)
 
when attractive is a turn off
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:00:20 PM
Some very interesting comments. I think its silly to judge a book by its cover. I mean dating someone just because they are hot looking is pretty superficial, but so is rejecting someone for the same reason or making vast generalizations about people based on their looks.

That being said, as I age I'm losing my fabulous good looks (sarcasm intended), so I'm glad to hear that there is still hope..
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
What does I'm not ready for commitment mean?
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:47:46 PM
Well, first I don't think its fair to him to jump to the stereotypical conclusion that he is afraid of "commitment". You said you looked at him with starry eyes. Seems like that implies more a sense that you were feeling really attracted to him and wanted to be a little closer. To me it sounds more like intimacy issues than commitment issues. But I don't even think you want to jump to a conclusion based on this information that he has any real deal breaking "issues" anyway. Everyone moves at a different speed in terms of how they connect and open up to different people. Occasionally a miracle happens when two people are in sync on the same wavelength and timeline. Sometimes if you just give it a little time and space, perhaps it will change. I've seen women be absolutely fickle and standoffish towards me one day and a week later be 180 degrees the opposite after they have had some time to ponder it. I'm sure men can be the same way, and actually, all human beings should have the reasonable right to follow their own feelings at their own pace.

So, basically, don't give up. If you like the guy, give him a little space, don't take things personally and see what happens...and enjoy whatever experience you can have hanging out together even if it turns out that he never gets the same stars in his eyes that you seem to be feeling towards him. But maybe he will too.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Honesty or Avoidance--which would be wiser?
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:37:17 PM
Don't be such a scaredy cat. If you're developing feelings,then bring it up and give him a chance to respond. He might run away, but you're planning on how to run away anyway...so there is no loss for trying.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
I'm glad I'm not a man!
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:30:11 PM
This totally depends. I mean, if you're a hot looking woman, then yea...the guys will be falling out of the trees for you. If you're not a hot looking woman then you might be sitting around waiting for a long long time by the old rules for a guy to notice you. On the other hand, if you're a hot looking woman, just imagine all the hounding you would get all the time, every day, everywhere you go. Me personally, I wouldn't like that if I were a hot looking woman...ha ha...

There are ups and downs to being the prey instead of the predator.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 48 (view)
 
A potential partner with Alcohol issues.. is it worth the pain
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:26:20 PM
Me personally, I wouldn't get involved with someone like that.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
will you please give me comments>?
Posted: 7/13/2008 12:50:11 PM
I don't think there is anything wrong with your profile. This site is not the greatest.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 64 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:55:10 AM
Well I agree with you that a true genetic father will absolutely fill that role the best. But realistically, there are many situations where this is not possible. And other tight family members can also provide pretty close to the same role....but only if they are very actively involved on a regular basis, and only if they have the power to influence the boy over the mother's influence as the boy goes into adolescence. Most mothers will pretty much only grant that kind of influence to the biological father...if at all. But that is the kind of influence that is required.

Women seem to want to diminish this to a "role modeling" thing...and this goes way way way deeper than just role modeling. This is about trusted males, at some point, helping the boy separate himself from the power of the great mother. Only then can he evolve into a real man. A lot of men today are not having the process happen to them and consequently they will probably not learn how to be a real man on their own until their 40's, if at all. Hopefully they don't get themselves into a lot of trouble in the meantime.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:10:50 AM
Sure a boy can grow into a feminized grown-adolescent without a father around. But a fully mentally healthy "man" happens through the influence of significant male elders....be it father, uncle, grandpa or if you live in a very tight knit community.....I mean VERY tight....as in.....an amazon tribe.......then other elder males of the tribe can fill this role as well. Without this influence boys will either remain highly feminized or sometimes they will go the opposite direction and try to make men out of themselves without proper masculine influence...which is where things like gangs come from.

Part of the problem is that today there actually are very few fully actualized "men" in our society, particularly under 40. Lots of 30 year old adolescents. I don't think a lot of women today even know what a good man really is or what they are missing, or what their son is going to be missing by growing up into a feminized 30-something adolescent.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:55:10 AM
All single mothers need to read this:

http://www.amazon.com/Iron-John-Book-About-Men/dp/0306813769/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215888899&sr=8-1
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
lonely in public??
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:49:02 AM
There ups and downs to being single and this is one of the downs. No question about it.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
How do you feel about openess in a woman?
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:45:00 AM
Dating is a game. If you unload too much of your personal life experiences on someone too early, they will probably interpret it to mean that there are too many skeletons in that closet and will back away. That's just human nature.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 577 (view)
 
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:30:02 AM
OP,

I dunno, I don't have time to read the whole thread and don't care to because most of these threads turn sour within 10 posts. But i think you made your intentions clear and then neither one of you followed it. You said you weren't looking for anything serious...but you slept with him anyway... That doesn't make you a slut or him a bad guy either...it just makes you human. I wouldn't read so much into it. I don't think he's very much of a gentleman for not calling you to follow up and consider your feelings. Nobody has to get all serious just because you had sex, but not calling again is LAME anyway you slice it, especially since you made it clear that you're not into one night stands. So I wouldn't worry about him anymore, just move on.

But, advice for you...if you make a statement like "I'm not into one night stands and I'm not looking for anything serious right now either", that creates a very a narrow slice of possibility for what you are looking for. Seems like you are looking for someone to date for a while, more than once, have some good times, but not fall in love. That's how I would read it.

Any guy hearing it will think to himself, what a mine field! He will think to himself, "somehow I just KNOW I am going to f__ this up". But if he's attracted to you and there is chemistry....well one thing leads to another and it takes a lot of will power to walk away. Perhaps you are beating him up a little too much. Perhaps he was just awkward and trying to figure out what the hell you meant by your establishment of the "rules". I think when people lay down rules like that ahead of time, its asking for trouble oftentimes. Better to just go with the flow and take things on as they develop. You might have changed your mind and fallen in love with the guy and tried to change the rules, which often happens. Or you might have decided after one night that you didn't want to date him anymore, but if you had already told him that you weren't into one night stands...then what? have to keep dating him anyway to be good for your word? What do you say if you call?

Laying down the rules may have frightened him or frozen him or backed him into a corner such that he was simply afraid to talk to you in some way. Or he could just be a user jerk, but your description of him as the boy next door type leads me to believe there is more to the reason why he didn't follow up with phone calls.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
would guys date a female cop?
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:18:23 AM
hmm. Good question. I've never been in that situation. I think I might be inclined to try it out, seems exotic and exciting. Kinda hot actually.

But the reality is that I might not like it that much in the long run, if there is a long run. The reality is that most police officers, bless their heart and thank god for this, live a life that is a bit idealistic in certain ways. I think it takes a certain type of personality to be cool with that way of life and having a partner that lives that way. That is on top of the stresses and pressures of knowing that your partner is going to work every day with a gun on her belt.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
 
What would you guys recommend as traits of 'a good guy'
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:06:38 AM
gvnage,

I applaud you for trying to keep it real. Unfortunately my experience on this site for the past few weeks has been that there are too many people on here with pent up rage about the state of affairs in male/female relationships. Just about every thread on this forum eventually turns up into a he said/she said venting session with people jumping in to defend their gender and they eventually spin out of control.

Personally, I think you have gotten already all the information there is to say on the matter from men....anything else that can and probably will be added will be negative, will not display positive male traits and will mislead you about what good positive male traits are, what they should look like and how men around the world actually think. The men that are on this site are 90% single, lonely, frustrated and a chip on their shoulder about something.... as are the same percentage of the women as well. FWIW.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 233 (view)
 
why do younger guys tend to like older women?
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:57:12 AM
Boy. Its just great to be vilianized by people that don't want to hear differing opinions. I'm out of here. Good luck everyone.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 231 (view)
 
why do younger guys tend to like older women?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:42:30 PM
you got me. I completely had the wrong definition for that word. Doesn't change the concept I was trying to get across if you can look past that vocab error on my part. And yes, fertility is more correct...but I think there is more to it then just being fertile...its a sense of youngness, freshness, vitality? ok...but I'm looking for a feminine version of vitality. You tell me, I obviously suck at vocab..that's a left brain thing...
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 226 (view)
 
why do younger guys tend to like older women?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:24:13 PM
ha ha. yea. best answer I saw yet...
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Would you date a woman who doesn't want kids?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:21:29 PM
Sure why not. Especially at my age. The bigger problems is that women with kids often have difficult schedules to make work.
 
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