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 Author Thread: It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 65 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/24/2009 10:06:31 AM

I had a problem with it only because my feelings were hurt because I expected him to spend the day with me, like he has every other Saturday since we met. I think it's reasonable to anticipate that he'll spend his birthday Saturday with me since he has insisted on spending every single Saturday with me since we met. I'm not "clingy" or any of those terms people have emailed me about. I simply made an erroneous assumption, and was taken aback when I realized it was not to be. I often TRY to get him to do things without me. He goes to other Moose meetings, and trust me, it's fine. I actually feel the need for a little time without him sometimes.

I recognized that I was overreacting for some reason, although I didn't immediately recognize what that reason was. (Which, btw, was also why I didn't immediately express my feelings to him - I hadn't really figured out what my feelings were fully.) Well, that and I didn't want to start something.

I came on POF to kind of "work it out" without he and I getting into a fight or fuss, or me making him feel like he had to cancel his plans. That was what I DID NOT want.

While discussing on this forum, I came to a better understanding of why I was having and issue.

I made the decision to once again try to let my feelings be known, without getting into a fight with him. It halfway worked.

After thinking about it all day, I came to the conclusion that I really DO NOT have a problem with him going to his Moose thing. I am allowed to change my mind or attitude, right? So for all those who are now jumping my case about how I say one thing, then another.....I simply worked it out and realized what the underlying problem was.

I really do not have a problem with him going to the Moose.

The end.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 58 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/24/2009 7:01:17 AM

So YOU got your way on HIS birthday......

*rolling eyes*

No. I most certainly did not.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 56 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/24/2009 5:22:29 AM
Thanks for all the advice.

I did decide I should talk to him about it. I don't know if I took the right approach or not, but our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey honey.....I know you want to do the Moose thing on your birthday, and that's perfectly fine. I was just kind of caught off guard and surprised that you chose to do something separate on your birthday. I didn't have any set plans, so it's fine. I had just kind of planned to be with you that day.

Him: Oh. Ok, well, I won't go if you don't want me to.

Me: No....I didn't say that. It's fine if you go. Really. I was just saying I was kind of surprised because you have spent every single Saturday with me since we met. I guess I anticipated we'd.....

Him: (Interrupting) Yes, I HAVE spent every Saturday with you.

Me: I know.....and like I said, it's fine.

Him: Then why are you making a big deal out of it?

Me: I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it....

Him: I told you, I just won't go, then.

Me: Well, I want you to go.....

Let's just say it magnified from there. We had a brief fight. By the time we hung up, we were both upset. He had some stuff he was getting ready to do, so I told him to give me a call when he finished so we could talk. We took some time out, and when he called back we had a long talk. The second conversation went much better than the first, with both of us apologizing for getting upset, him saying he's trying to do better about getting defensive, me promising I'd try to do better about saying what I felt right away....etc., etc.

I may not have taken the best approach, but I sure did try really hard not to make him feel defensive. At this point, he's refusing to go to the Moose thing, which is what I was afraid would happen, and I can't get him to change his mind. But we talked about how we're having some difficulty in communicating, and we're both trying to work on that.

Although we started off kind of rough, our second conversation went much more smoothly. So I think we're getting there. We're both trying, at least.

Thanks again for the advice.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 42 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 2:04:37 PM
From site to sight....

I guess you're right. He's seven years older than me, and is always saying how I'm "so young" and how he looks "so old" next to me. So maybe his birthday is not a day he's looking forward to. I don't look "forward" to mine, either...but I think everyone wants to be treated special and feel special on their day. He certainly made mine special. I want to make his super special.

Not to say I still can't do that. I'm just bummed because I really wanted to spend the entire day with him, pampering him and doing things for and with him.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 12:12:06 PM
I had a nightmare a few weeks ago.

My boyfriend and I were visiting with a female friend of his. (The woman in my dream was no one I know in reality - just a faceless person). As I sat there and watched, the woman stripped off all of her clothes and started laying her naked body on him and moving on top of him. They told me it was ok, they did this all the time. It was ok as long as he didn't touch her.

So in my dream, I sat there smiling and pretending as though I was enjoying watching them. Inside I was screaming. But I kept that smile plastered on my face and pretended not to be bothered.

I realize I've been doing that a lot lately.

Thank you all for your posts. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I realize I have been holding an awful lot in, and I need to come to some sort of resolution with him. I love him dearly, and honestly, this is the only area we have a problem. And those problems are few and far between. But every single time I've made an attempt to say how I feel - not matter if I've used "I" words or tried to be gentle, he's taken it as being criticized. Even he admits he has a problem with that.

I came on here with one issue, and came to a decision on another. I cannot, and should not sit there with a smile on my face and pretend I'm never bothered for fear of us getting into a fight. We have got to find some way to communicate better.

Thank you all. I do appreciate the thoughts and opinions.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:35:04 AM

you are just being a typical woman who say the opposite of what they mean and act like they are ok when something is really NOT ok, when you are bothered by are just being a woman, thats all..thats what you guys do, that..and over analyze situations and make a big deal about something that is very trivial..again you aren't crazy, you are just being your gender..a female!

Yeah.....I wonder why us women all have such a difficult time saying what we feel? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the way we're put down and made to feel like idiots when we DO?????
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:30:23 AM

It's because YOU said it yourself in post #1:
"I realize I can be a moody, emotional, irrational person sometimes."

I know that's what I said.

I honestly used to think I was pretty easy going and easy to get along with. But every time I bring up something that bothers me, he tells me I'm "irrational".

But you see Jinx........part of the reason for this post was so I wouldn't tell him what I was feeling and thinking. Because I know what he's going to say. If I say "Hey honey....I was really kind of disappointed that we weren't going to spend the entire day together" he's going to tell me that I'm being ridiculous. He's going to point out how much time he usually spend with me. He's going to fuss that I'm feeling a tad let down about it and I'm going to be made, darn sure, to feel moody and matter how calm and tender I try to be when having this conversation.

I'm not saying it's all his fault. But it's not all mine, either. If he didn't get so pissed off, I could maybe talk to him easier and never have drama. I really don't want drama.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:23:58 AM

I do want him to do what he wants.

I just thought what he would want to do would be to spend the day with me.

Every other Saturday what he's wanted to do was spend time with me, be with me. Even when I'm feeling the need for some space, I allow it. I adore him. I love being with him. I never expected or anticipated that the ONE Saturday that he would choose to strike out without me would be on a 'special' day, you know?

Any other day it wouldn't have bothered me at all.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:16:28 AM

He didn't specifically say "oh, and you aren't invited".....but it was the impression I got. That it was something he wanted to do alone. I've learned him well enough now - if he wants me there he always says "I thought WE could do this...." This time it was "I want to do this...."....which is always the way it is with this particular group in the moose.

Originally when he told me about it he was planning on riding, and he did say something about me going with him. Now he's planning on working, and seemed like he wanted to do it alone.

We can and will make plans later. I mean, like I said.....I realize that we have the evening to do something nice. So it SHOULDN'T be a big deal. I'm trying not to make it a big deal. I'm just kind of hurt and disappointed, I guess.

But talking about it and getting advice and opinions is helping I think.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:11:12 AM

I does sound stupid, doesn't it? LOL Especially when you put it like that.'s hard to explain. 90% of the time things are blissfully happy and wonderful. That 10% that it's not is just darn difficult, and usually stems from me feeling I had to tell him how I felt about something, and him getting upset and us getting into a huge blow up fight.

That's the only "unwonderful" thing about him. I'm trying to deal with it, you know?
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:09:05 AM
Communication is sometimes an issue, it's true. It has often lead to a fight because he's felt criticized or upset because of what he viewed as "irrational" thoughts or whatever.

So yes, I'm trying hard to avoid that. The only way to avoid it that I have found is to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.

The little hurts I can talk to him about. It's the big ones that I have difficulty with. Stupid as it sounds.

I just can't deal with it turning into an "issue". Let it be my issue. Not both of ours, you know?
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 11:03:27 AM
Brown/Inked -

Thanks for the all honesty I'm terrified of telling him my feelings. Every time I attempt to, no matter how gently I try to phrase it, he ends up feeling "criticized" and we end up in a fight. So I can't see a way to tell him how I feel without him taking it wrong.

And you're right - I can feel resentment building already. I just took 2 vacation days and made a trip to PA with him for a funeral - went out of the way to be there for him.....I keep thinking about that (irrational again, I know), and feeling resentful that it feels as though I keep going out of my way to be with him when he needs me.

I dunno......I suppose I'm trying to get over it.

EnglishLass -

I know you're right. I know that in my head. I am disappointed. I think what makes is so difficult is that he's never done something without including me on a weekend before. The one time he does it was totally unexpected and on a day that I was planning on going out of my way to make special for him. I don't want to spoil his day, though - which is another reason I haven't said anything.

If I told him how I felt, I'm afraid he'd change his plans. I don't want that, either. I want him to do what he wants. It is his day.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 10:55:15 AM
No, there's not.

But this event he's going to isn't that kind of event, so that's not the case. This is a fund raiser type of event the club is doing. It's out of the norm regarding events he usually attends.

I guess I'm just having a hard time with the whole "why that day" thing? I've been looking so forward to doing things with and for him......and although we'll still have a portion of the day together, it'll actually be the first Saturday I can recall since we MET that he's chose to do something without me.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
It's his birthday - so why am I bummed?
Posted: 3/23/2009 10:46:46 AM
Sometimes I think I must be a total nutcase or something. So here’s the situation – please be gentle. I know I’ll probably get hammered/slammed, because even I feel I’m being irrational and stupid. Heck, I’m not even sure why I’m posting this…..but here goes:

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months. He’s a great guy, we spend a lot of time together. We’re together every weekend usually. His birthday is coming up in just over a month from now, and I’ve been thinking and planning and trying to come up with something super special. I suppose I just assumed that since his birthday is on a Saturday and we normally spend our weekends together that we’d be spending the entire day together for certain on his birthday.

So today on the phone he mentions his birthday and tells me that if I haven’t already made some sort of plans, he’d like to spend part of the day at some Moose Lodge event that’s going on that day. He’s a member of the Moose Lodge, and he attends things usually a couple times a month, even though there’s something constantly going on there.

Anyway, of course I told him sure – it’s his birthday after all and he can and should do whatever he wants. I certainly would never say “No! You can’t spend your birthday like that – you’ve got to spend it with me!” So why do I feel so upset? I realize I can be a moody, emotional, irrational person sometimes. For some reason I seem to have taken it as a personal thing – like he doesn’t want to spend the day with me or something on his birthday. I know that’s not the case. Yet I am SO upset about the whole thing. I guess I’ve just been planning on being with him all day and trying to come up with something super special for the day….I was so excited his birthday – his first birthday with me – fell on a Saturday so we could spend it together……although I hadn’t made any definite plans, I had things in mind that I was going to do with and for him on his special day.

Although I won’t tell him I’m bothered or upset– I do want him to do what he wants to do on his birthday. It is his day after all. Yet I’m literally in tears over this. Am I a total nutcase or something? Why is this bothering me so much? (Yeah, I know…..I’m asking questions you all can’t answer.) I suppose I’m trying to get thoughts and opinions because I want to know if this would bother others, or if it’s just me. I often feel like things bother me that shouldn’t. But this…..this has been weighing on my mind all afternoon.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Please be gentle.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 57 (view)
Speaking of deal breakers...Do you consider this to be one??
Posted: 10/1/2008 10:56:05 AM

To OP..why don't you call him?..maybe he is thinking the same thing..maybe he is waiting for you to you think you are special..that you dont need to call a guy after you've had sex?..and please dont come with the "Its the guy who is suppose to call" Bull

While I understand how the OP feels, I have to also agree a little bit this this poster. If the guy hasn't called, why not call him and just tell him you were thinking about him and wanted to see how he was doing?

I do understand the emotions you must be feeling - I'd be kind of hurt and upset as well, more than likely. But some guys just don't think.

On the other hand...if he was really into you, I think he would have called already.

Sorry OP. :(
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 118 (view)
Sure-Fire First-Date Killers
Posted: 10/1/2008 9:59:17 AM
Some of these are hilarious...some are just down right scary. Here are some of my first date experiences - none as good as some of the ones already on here!

1.) Guy meets me for a date. We don't click. At the end of the date I thank him for coming out to meet me and tell him goodnight. He then asks if I'm going to go out with him again. I try to nicely tell him that although he seems nice I just don't think it's going to work out. He starts crying. We're standing in the parking lot, and I'm trying to console him. Then he gets mad, jumps in his van and leaves me standing in the parking lot.

2.) Talk to a guy on POF. He seems nice, looks good. We meet in a public place. Most of his teeth are missing or black. He tries to kiss me and all I can see is this mouth full of missing or decaying teeth coming at me. I duck him. Still trying to be nice, I try to talk to him. He tries to grope me. I tell him I need to go. He calls me on my cell phone and asks if he can see me again. I say no. He says "Well, ok, can you meet me at a hotel in five minutes and watch me mas terbate?" I say no and to stop calling me. Hang up. He calls back. Then he tells me he's married - "very unhappily" as if by saying "very unhappily" that's going to make me want to go watch him jerk off! I block his number.

3.) Went out with this guy from POF. Things went well, he was gorgeous. Later we're online chatting and he asks me if I've ever had incest. I say no....then he confesses he has had sex with his grandmother. I feel horrible for him - figuring his grandmother must have molested him when he was a child. So I ask him how old he was when it happened. His reply: "28 - it was last year. It was SO HOT!"

4.) Went out with this guy, it was our third date. He hadn't even kissed me, nothing. It was fine by me...he wasn't being pushy. So on the 3rd date he comes over for dinner. We still haven't even kissed when he looks at me and goes "can I spend the night"? I say no, I'm not ready for that. He just says ok. It was just so odd and out of the blue. He and I are boyfriend/girlfriend now. *Grin* :)
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 158 (view)
my boyfriend still has profile up on POF, what do I do?
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:55:47 AM
I'm in a serious relationship and I still have my profile up on POF. I did, however, change the body to read that I was in a relationship and no longer looking. I left mine up for two reasons - one, I get bored at work and like to frequent the message boards. Two, I have a couple of friends that the only way I can IM them is through POF (since I'm at work and cannot download yahoo).

So either you trust your boyfriend or you don't. Go with your gut feeling. There's no black and white answer. It seems obvious you don't trust him or you wouldn't be sneaking around looking to see when he last logged on and stuff. In that case, maybe it's time to find you someone you can trust.

Best of luck. :)
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
what is taking it slow?
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:49:36 AM

it means that he saw something that makes him doubt the future of the relationship, but at the same time isn't quite ready to give up on it entirely, and wants to see how it goes and he's worried about you getting too attached.

I think that pretty much sums it up. I told my current boyfriend at first that I wanted to "take it slow". Well, although we've pretty much thrown that out the window because we've realized we're crazy about each initial reason for telling him we needed to "take it slow" was because he scared me. I felt a strong attraction, loved talking to him...everything was great with him. BUT he's a widower who's wife hadn't been gone that long. So there was a bit of self preservation going on there. I didn't want to move too fast because I feared that I'd end up being a "rebound" relationship for him.

So yes, I'd say that statement pretty well sums it up - he's either worried about you getting too attached, or HIM getting too attached and ending up hurt.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 70 (view)
Dating a widower...HELP I'm so confused??
Posted: 9/9/2008 9:43:37 AM
I'm in a very new relationship (3 weeks last Saturday) with a very new widower (less than 3 months). I was very scared at first, and still sometimes worry about things like being a "rebound" relationship and stuff like that.

Each situation is different. In his, his wife had a long illness. He felt as though he'd had time to grieve and prepare himself before she died, and felt ready to date again. I was the first person he went out with after his wife passed away.

It is a kind of scary situation if you have never dated a widower is to me. I haven't met anyone in his life yet, and I worry about how his kids will like me. I certainly don't want them to feel threatened or upset in any way by my presence in his life. They've been through so much already.

All I can say is follow your heart. There is no "time limit" when it comes to this as far as I can tell. I'm so glad I followed mine...although it's been such a short time I just kind of "know" that it's right with him. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and I'm so glad that those doubts and fears didn't keep me from seeing him. His wife will always be a part of his past, and I would expect her to be. I wouldn't dare try to diminish or get rid of her memory - especially since there are children involved. But we all have past relationships. Just trust how you feel and what he says, and don't question it - you'll just drive yourself nuts!
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