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 Author Thread: How do you deal with anger after deaths?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How do you deal with anger after deaths?
Posted: 2/11/2010 7:44:45 PM

You are being selfish, and feel that dead loved ones left you, or that God took them away from you, or such.


You are being a nasty person, kicking somebody when they're down. If you don't like how somebody else grieves, shut up.


Grieve, accept the situation, and be happy that the dead are not in pain.


Have you ever lost a loved one? How would you like it if you were in pain and somebody took that "Shut up and suck it up" attitude toward you?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How do you deal with anger after deaths?
Posted: 2/11/2010 7:41:59 PM
Anger is understandable. And you work through your grief at your own pace.

But one thing I think might help is to more clearly identify the underlying fear under the anger. It might just be the loss in general, or it might be something more specific. Here's an exercise that can be helpful:

Get a nice big piece of blank paper, and a bunch of old magazines. Cut out pictures that reflect what you feel, and paste them on the page. Don't think about it. Just cut out what looks like and paste it where it looks like the right place. Keep going until you feel like you're finished.

Then explain it all to a trusted friend.

This way you get past the rational, language-based part of yourself to what's underneath. And when you put it into words you can start to make sense of it. I've found it very helpful.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Never drank, never smoked, still a virgin...am i missing out on life?
Posted: 2/11/2010 7:35:30 PM
If you're sitting in your parents' basement playing Warcraft, you're probably missing out in life. But if you're doing interesting and worthwhile things, what's the problem?

Since I've embraced Christian chastity, I've traveled a lot, raised money for a well for a village in Sierra Leone, taken camping trips with friends and with my granddaughter, comforted friends and family through trials and traumas, taken up ballroom dancing, taken guitar lessons, etc. If I compare my life before chastity and my life after, the life after is a lot better. It's amazing how much emotional and mental energy, not to mention time, that sexual relationships were eating up, while giving me little in return but pregnancy scares, emotional turmoil, and an increased risk of cervical cancer. Rather than missing out now, I figure I was missing out before. I just couldn't see it. I was like one of those rats in the experiment where they put electrodes into the pleasure center in the rats' brains. The rats would starve to death to spend all their time pushing the lever that stimulated the pleasure center. I've stopped being a rat pushing the pleasure center lever and started being a woman with a rich life.

There are six billion people on this earth, and so many other ways to relate to them other than passing a joint around or doing the horizontal bop.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Should I let my friend move in with me?
Posted: 2/7/2010 11:05:22 AM
If you want your place trashed and raided by the cops, by all means have your druggie friend move in with you.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
My standard of living
Posted: 12/31/2009 2:19:00 PM

Having toys may have the oppoisite reaction anyways, since none are good investments.


Exactly. If you like to spend on toys, you'll attract a woman who wants to spend on toys. She won't be an investor or somebody who's into living simple so that what she sees as surplus can be given to charity.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
My standard of living
Posted: 12/31/2009 2:17:13 PM
You want somebody who will be comfortable with who you are. And what you've earned and surrounded yourself with is part of that picture. You want a woman who has the same values as you, wants the same lifestyle you do. And so you have to be who you are so you can attract that.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Virginity
Posted: 12/31/2009 2:08:46 PM

I think its a bad idea. The psychology of an individual, with regards to sex, is a big piece of the puzzle. You should know as much as possible about someone before marrying them right? I mean, the divorce rate in this country is over %50.


And what's the rate of sexual experimentation before marriage, that's supposed to prevent all this divorce by making sure that couples are sexually compatible?

Unlike animals, human beings have ways to communicate besides moans and grunts. Sexual activity floods the body with hormones that produce feelings of euphoria -- which then become associated with the sex partner. So premature sexual activity causes you to connect those feelings of euphoria with a person you might not really have a snowball's chance in hell with. You need to know first if that's the person you want to pair-bond with, before you pair bond with them!
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Virginity
Posted: 12/31/2009 2:05:13 PM
Be prepared to have people (including prospective dates) assume you're either frigid or a killjoy. (A lot of people don't understand the difference between chaste and asexual! Their loss, I say.) But they're not really in your prospective mate pool anyway, so keeping your virginity is a good way to separate the sheep from the goats.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
A balancing act -- I'm interested but afraid he might be way ahead of me
Posted: 12/28/2009 5:04:20 AM
Thanks for all the feedback, guys! I know exactly what to say to Fred. And if it means Fred wants to go to visit Barney without me, no hurt feelings on my end.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
A balancing act -- I'm interested but afraid he might be way ahead of me
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:03:58 PM

I'd recommend the clear, straightforward approach: write and say "Hold on, there seems to be a misapprehension here which makes me uncomfortable, and I'd like to clear it up."


Yeah, the old "Honesty is the best policy." The trick is finding the right words. If I saw NO potential for a romantic interest in Fred, it'd be so much easier.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
A balancing act -- I'm interested but afraid he might be way ahead of me
Posted: 12/27/2009 6:41:57 PM
I recently went on vacation in Europe, and a co-worker kindly arranged for me to stay with his wife's relative, who likes to show tourists around. Let's call the relative "Fred".

Fred and I had a lot of PLATONIC fun, and I went out on my own and did a lot of stuff and came back to Fred's place to crash in the evening. Fred and I exchanged a few phone calls afterward, and my co-worker said that Fred seemed to take a liking to me. When visiting Fred, I had mentioned another place I wanted to visit. Fred called and said that his buddy, Barney, lived near that place, and said I could stay with Barney if I wanted to. I spoke to Barney briefly and he told me what time of year would be best for a visit, and that he and his kids could take me to see the sights, and from their place I could launch a hike in the area I want to explore, and I said yeah, thank you so much, I'll see you later.

Well, the next time I talked to Fred, he let me know that Barney refers to me as his (Fred's) girlfriend. And Fred is planning to accompany me on the trip to Barney's house.

I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to shoot Fred down, because I do find him interesting and potentially attractive. But I also didn't want to give Fred too much encouragement, because we live on different continents and I'm not sure we have compatible values for a relationship. So I just changed the subject back to the trip, and exactly what it is I'd like to do with my vacation.

My tastes in vacations only overlap Fred's slightly, and I've let Fred know that I plan to go straight Barney's house, and let Barney and his family have some fun showing a tourist around, but that I'd like to very quickly move on to my own multi-day adventure at the place of interest some distance away. I let Fred know that he is welcome to meet me in the evenings after my days of sightseeing since my interests aren't his cup of tea. And I really would enjoy meeting Fred for dinner every day to exchange notes on what we've been amusing ourselves with. That this isn't going to be Fred and me spending my vacation with Barney and his family. I have other things I want to do.

But I'm worried that I'm getting Fred's hopes up. I'm far from seeing Fred as a romantic attachment, though I'd not rule the possibility out. So it's a bit of a tightrope for me. I'm very flattered that a man as interesting as Fred has taken a liking to me, and I enjoy Fred's company, but I'm afraid that we're not on the same page as far as the two of us.

Any hints on how to handle this?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 45 (view)
 
I should let them know from the beginning
Posted: 12/26/2009 6:53:57 PM
Well, you've found the Grade A Number One way to separate the sheep from the goats, that's for sure. Dating men you meet among groups of like minded people seems like the best bet. If you find a way to find men who date chaste women, let me know. I've known of only five. Four got married to other women, and one I had no attraction to anyway so there wasn't going to be a relationship.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Girl at work.
Posted: 12/26/2009 6:49:42 PM
Why not ask her to join you for lunch some time and see what happens?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Offbeat England
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:59:08 PM
I'm planing London and Oxford over American Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to find some offbeat things to do. Am also considering visiting Hadrian's Wall, but that's a LARGE item. What's a good city or town to choose to see the wall?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
What's the record for finding somebody new after a loss?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:50:00 AM
It's been 16 years.

I've had a good life. I've had jobs I've loved. I've traveled. I've had great times with good friends. I love my family dearly. I've had accomplishments, including raising the funds to provide a well for a village in Sierra Leone. I'd just like to find somebody to share the rest of my life with. But in my mind, I keep falling into the fallacy George Elliot describes in "Silas Marner" -- that just because something hasn't happened yet, you start to think it can't happen at all. There's this feeling that if there was somebody in the world for me, I'd have found him ages ago. The man who broke my heart married somebody else while I was still waking up crying every morning. (Which leaves me with Janis Ian's song, "Getting Over You" in my head: "How can you move so quickly? How can you heal so fast?")

Or maybe a bit of Edna St. Vincent Millay:

Pity me not because the light of day
At close of day no longer walks the sky
Pity me not for beauties passed away
From field and thicket as the years go by
Pity me not for the waning of the moon
Nor that the ebbing tide rolls out to sea
Nor that a man's desire is hushed so soon
And you no longer look with love on me
....
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn

Everybody needs something to look forward to. And I do have those things. I enjoy my work. I love watching my granddaughter grow up. I'm shopping around for a graduate school, probably going to go for a Master's in Special Ed so I can either teach or go back into working MR. But on the love scene, I can't shake the feeling that there's nothing to look forward to. That of the 3 billion men in the world, there's just not one for me.

Has anybody seen somebody in real life who had such a long, frustrating period of no prospects?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
It has been 2 years...why am i afraid?
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:36:10 AM
If you were able to shake it off and just move on, there'd be something amiss. Two years after 19 together? That's barely time enough for old habits to die. You're still expecting to find his socks on the bathroom floor, so to speak.

One thing that can help is to develop new habits that give you a full life without him. Anything that's still a reminder of him, and of the loss, you need to find a new routine or habit that breaks you free.

Once you really grasp to your core that you're okay, that you really have survived this, then you'll be ready for somebody new. Until then, give yourself time to heal. You'd no go skiing three weeks after breaking a leg.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Dealing with loss and moving on
Posted: 10/10/2009 7:30:21 AM
You're unusual for a man. They usually deal with loss by filling the gap as quickly as possible so that they don't have a chance to feel the loss. It's usually women who spend time licking their wounds and trying to assimilate what happened.

The first thing you have to get hold of is that there's no such thing as "getting over" a loss like that. You learn to live with it. My best friend was killed in an accident at 7 a.m., January 2, 2000. There are still times I miss him so badly I could come completely unglued. His name was Dan, and I still can't get through the Elton John song "Daniel" without weeping at the line, "Lord, I miss Daniel. Oh, I miss him so much." That's in spite of the fact that I have very much gotten on with my life. I've moved, traveled, gotten new and exciting jobs, etc. I don't spend all my time pining. But there's a bittersweet aspect to so much that I do because there's also an awareness that Dan's not there to share it with. And I think if you ask anybody who's had a deep loss, they'll say the same thing. Time makes it easier, because you have other good things in your life, but you never really completely stop hurting. Every day that passes is, after all, still a day without your loved one. You can have other people in your life. You can love them. You can even build a life with somebody else eventually. But no one person ever really can substitute for another. There'll always be a place in your heart for this young woman, and anybody you're with after this point will have to embrace that as part of who you are. It doesn't have to get in the way. It's a matter of how both of you choose to interpret it.

So I'd let go of the idea of "getting over it." Look at integrating the loss into who you are. You're somebody who has loved and loved deeply. That's not something to try to cure yourself of. But if you get to where you have the good memories that you can talk about when appropriate, you'll be a long way on the road.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:10:34 AM

listen to people...it is not the price of coffee..it is the time.


In a nutshell, "I listened to your conversation, now I expect something *I* enjoy!"

Whatever happened to the idea that the woman is a PERSON that you can RELATE to? I mean, why freaking bother dating? Prostitution is much less ambiguous. You don't have to bog yourself down with things like pretending you find her interesting. Just pay your money and she throws her legs in the air and you get the only thing that you see women as good for.

Men *are* pigs. At least the men on this board.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/5/2009 5:08:30 AM

Getting involved with someone with your fetish is like buying a ridiculously expensive car without test driving it. Any sane, non desperate man, would pass.


So women are things you shop for, rather than people you relate to.

This board is certainly great for reinforcing the stereotype of men as pigs.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:21:38 PM

Of course my biggest worry if I fell in love with somebody like you would be the VERY likely probability that things would NOT change that much AFTER the wedding.


Another modern myth: Chaste = asexual. You evidently didn't read as far as the "He won't survive the honeymoon but he'll die with a smile on his face."

So far the responses I'm getting reinforce my image of men as just cruising for sex, with no interest in women as human beings. Guess what? We're more than just propulsion units to bring our crotches to your bedroom.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:18:18 PM

By email, before the first date. Do these guys a favor and save them the 10 wasted bucks for coffee.


So you see dating as a form of prostitution? He pays for the coffee, she puts out?

I pay my own way. I don't owe him squat.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
When do you broach the topic?
Posted: 10/4/2009 6:31:14 PM
I've seen posts in these boards about "When do you tell people ..."

... about having a chronic disease or health condition.
... about family obligations such as a child with a disability or an elderly parent you're caring for.
... about being unemployed.

But I'm a practitioner of the unspeakable. The one sure fire way to make sure he never calls. The one that's a deal breaker as close to 100% of the time you can get in a world where nothing is absolutely 100%.

I'm chaste.

From what I can see of the modern dating scene, holding out for the honeymoon is a downright freakish aberration, more bizarre and inexplicable than a fetish for plastic fruit. A chaste woman on a dating site? Might as well be a Luddite at a technology expo, right? Except the Luddite is opposed to technology. I'm all for sex; just in the proper context, which at this point in my life is along the lines of "He won't survive the honeymoon, but he'll die with a smile on his face." And there are men willing to wait. I've met them. After other women snatched them up. They're as rare and valuable as authentic William Shakespeare signatures, so they don't stay on the market long.

I'm still looking. But they can't be spotted at a distance. I have to get close enough for a conversation.

So at what point -- and how -- do I bring up practicing the discipline of chastity?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Am I the only one this really puts off?
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:37:50 PM
There's a difference between being popular and being stalked, and this is more like stalking. It got to the point where I was cringing when I saw his handle in my email box.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Am I the only one this really puts off?
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:36:24 PM
Actually, I just put him on "block user". If he stalks me like this just setting up the date, I'd be a fool to meet him.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Am I the only one this really puts off?
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:31:20 PM
Are other ladies and gents as put off as I am when they're bombarded with messages from somebody they've just started communicating with?

I'm not talking about actual exchanges, were there's a real conversation going back and forth, but when somebody makes a brief contact, and you reply, and the next thing you know you're getting at least three messages a day from the person, all short and saying very little beyond "So, when can we meet?" and "Oh, here's my phone number!" and "BTW you can IM me -- my username is Channeling_a_Golden_Retriever".

I'm supposed to meet a man for dinner tonight and I'm ready to put him on "ignore" rather than meet him because he just PESTERS. It's like when you tell a kid, "This weekend we're going to Grandma's," and then sixteen times a day for the rest of the week you get, "So when are we going to Grandma's? Are we going to Grandma's soon?"

Is there an effective way to tell somebody, "Look, I said I'd meet you. I said I'd call right before we met to confirm and to tell you what I"m wearing so I'll be easy to spot. GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!"
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Too early for a phone number or a date?
Posted: 9/30/2009 4:55:20 PM

But I do get SOOOO tired of being asked/offered phone numbers.


I especially hate getting a first contact consisting of the guy's phone number and a demand that I call him! Read and delete!
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Too early for a phone number or a date?
Posted: 9/30/2009 4:54:00 PM
I prefer to meet sooner rather than later, so that we can tell if we like each other in the real world. I don't like to give out my phone number until after I've met him if I can help it. (I realize that's just me; many women prefer some phone calls first.) I want HIS number so that if I'm running late or having trouble finding him I can reach him, but I at least want to lay eyes on the guy and talk to him a little while before I give him something he can use to stalk me later.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Easy stuffed jalepenos
Posted: 9/29/2009 7:26:59 PM
I figured this out after experimenting for a while. You'll need jalepeno peppers, your choice of cheese, bacon, toothpicks, and skewers.

Cut the caps off the peppers and set aside.
Core the peppers with a paring knife.
Stuff them with your choice of room temperature cheese. I find a mix of bits of cheddar and muenster works nicely.
Use a toothpick to skewer the caps back on.
Wrap each pepper in half a slice of bacon, fastening with toothpicks.
Skewer the peppers near the tops, like kebabs, so that they hang point downward, not touching. Place the loaded skewers across an oven safe pan so that the bacon fat has someplace to drip.
Bake in 350 oven about 30 minutes, or until the bacon is crisp
Allow to cool slightly, remove skewers and toothpicks, and serve.

I save the bacon drippings to use as fat in other dishes. Yum!

You can also cook them on the grill if you part the coals like the Red Sea and place the skewers so that the peppers hang down in the valley. (They're best that way, in fact!) The trick is to keep the peppers cap-up so the cheese doesn't melt and fall out. Watch them carefully so that they don't burn.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Dumped for God
Posted: 9/29/2009 4:49:25 PM
It could be that she's totally torn. Many faiths specifically forbid relationships with non-believers, and there's a specific Biblical admonition not to be "unequally yoked" -- married to a non-believer. It sounds like the relationship got closer faster than she expected and now she really is having to sort it all out. So, no intention to jerk you around, just wrestling with her own issues. A lot of believers just eliminate the possibility of this tension arising by not dating non-believers in the first place, but others are open to the possibility that they're called to be the catalyst that leads somebody to their faith. It's happened and it makes for strong relationships, but when it goes wrong it goes horribly wrong for both parties because you don't have the same shared view of the universe and your place in it.

You have to decide for yourself what you want to do in terms of hearing out what her thoughts are, exploring her faith and seeing if you feel called to it as well, or just cutting your losses.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Couchsurfing.com
Posted: 9/29/2009 4:20:18 PM
I heard of it and met some nice people in Pittsburgh. Haven't used it for travel or had anybody use my crash space yet, but I'm off the beaten path. Who wants to travel the world to go to Johnstown, Pennsylvania (Motto: "We're not under water any more!")?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Thanksgiving adventure travel. Suggestions?
Posted: 9/29/2009 4:19:14 PM
I'd like to go someplace I've never gone before, maybe in Africa or South America. My plan was to see where I could get a cheap plane fare, then do Couch Surfing. Any suggestions? I like natural beauty and cultural/historic sites. I'd have Thanksgiving week. Most likely going solo unless my friend decides he can join me.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:23:37 PM
I knew a couple who met online -- he bought her a plane ticket to come to South America where he was teaching! But he also had arranged for her to stay with the women at his school. (There were two houses, one for the male teachers and one for the female teachers.) They hit it off so well she took a teaching job at that school and they got married. So travel to meet can work out, but you need to make sure you're staying someplace safe until you get to know him in meatspace.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
are some people non-datable?
Posted: 9/25/2009 2:16:46 AM
There are some people who ought not to be able to get dates but still do. Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez, for example, got lots of hot (albeit wacko) babes lining up for him while he was on trial, and one eventually married him. So clearly anybody can get a date if their standards are low enough. Heck, I could have picked up a new boyfriend at the agency banquet tonight if a slow-witted geriatric philanderer did it for me.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Is this an appropriate move?
Posted: 9/25/2009 2:10:22 AM
I'd say that since she gave you the web site, use that as your avenue. There's gotta be some sort of contact information where you can try to get a message through to her. A letter or card sent to her work site if nothing else.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
First date jitters
Posted: 9/25/2009 2:02:26 AM
One problem I've been having at POF is that men seem to like to default to the "Let's meet for drinks/dinner" first date. But just sitting around making conversation with somebody I don't know well isn't a strong suit for me. I like a little structure, something to do together that a conversation can grow out of.

What are some good ways to deal with this? I usually end up talking about food, since we're sitting there with food in front of us. And there the conversation bogs down.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What hobbies are turn-offs?
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:09:32 AM
No hobby is a turn off for a woman who shares the same passion. I'd love a nice nerdy game of D&D. The only two things I miss about my ex husband are having an appreciative person to cook for and the fact that he was a fantastic DM.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Nary a nibble
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:49:51 PM
When I tweaked, I evidently tweaked amiss because I'm not getting any bites. Any feedback?

And, to satisfy the requirement that the post be long enough:

I'm on a huge Buster Keaton kick at the moment. I only knew him from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum", in which he played "Erronius, a befuddled old man, abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates." Then I saw "The General", a breathtaking silent film, and that moved me to start going through Buster's work film by film. Until I hit the MGM talkies. What they did to Buster is akin to taking the finest aged camembert, adulterating it with whey solids, and processing it into Cheez-Whiz.

Okay! That's gotta be way more than 200 characters!
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Experiences with cuddle guys
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:27:14 PM

I can't help but laugh at something. Because, I gotta tell ya.....my GUT tells me that those in here who would be complaining about such miscreants who DARE talk about wanting to give a foot rub, and the suspicion surrounding it are................BOLD FACED LIARS..... Because the reality IS.....that if Matthew McCaunahoweveryouFUKINspellit looked at each on of you DEAD IN THE EYE, and said he would LOVE to give you a foot rub..........


The issue isn't enjoying foot rubs. The issue is what it means when a man puts something like "loves giving foot rubs" in his profile.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Experiences with cuddle guys
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:23:43 PM
Ah, but do you put "cuddle" stuff in your profile?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
First Dates -> Cinema
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:20:57 PM
I don't see anything amiss. It's a chance to see if you like the same things. And how in synch are you? Are both of you responding to the same things, or is one of you cracking up about something that makes the other cringe?

Afterward you can talk about the movie and you have a ready made topic to overcome initial shyness.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Experiences with cuddle guys
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:18:03 PM

They feel a connection or want to feel one, why should they keep it repressed?


I don't object to feeling the connection. I'd love to have somebody to actually cuddle with, exchange affection, etc. The question is whether or not a guy putting it in his profile is a sign that he's either hyper sentimental or just looking for sex without being honest about what he wants.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How do you cope when you are CRAZY about someone...
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:05:48 PM
I think it's not a particularly healthy sign. And I know whereof I speak. I tend to go crazy about any "new love" -- right now I'm on a huge Buster Keaton kick, scouring the net for videos to watch or download, reading Google Books previews and even ordering a biography, etc. (Though I'm not to the point where I shell out hundreds of dollars to go to Buster Keaton conventions and make porkpie hats.) It's a bit overdone but it's not hugely destructive either. I still take my granddaughter on outings, get very engaged in my work, etc. And I'm safe. I'm not going to get an STD, or get pregnant, or end up with a broken heart or a stalker because of a momentary obsession with a dead silent film star. And hey, people do have odd hobbies and obsessions, as evidenced by the very fact that there actually ARE costly conventions I could go to and spend a weekend turning an expensive Stetson fedora into a porkpie. So I'm not being too weird or risking too much. And I know from experience that this will last a few weeks, at most a couple of months, after which I'll remain interested and still enjoy his movies, but I'll be reset for something new to really excite me.

But when you're going all Little Mermaid over your latest Prince, you can really go amiss. In addition to all the pitfalls I'm happily avoiding at the moment by being ga-ga about somebody totally unavailable by virtue of being not only spoken for but also dead, you're risking running off a guy you might have a future with.

I recommend having enough other things in your life that you can cope without him for at least a few hours at a time!
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Experiences with "cuddle" guys
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:53:20 PM
As I browse profiles I find ones that seem like great prospects -- funny, smart, with a lot of interests in common with me -- but I get scared off by what I think of as the "cuddle guys" -- men who put things in their profiles about liking to cuddle, snuggle, give foot rubs, whatever. I'm wondering if my small batch of offputting experiences have made me unduly prejudiced against "cuddle guys". My experiences so far with "cuddle guys" have fallen into one of two categories:

1. "Precious Moments" -- they're so sentimental that I'm in danger of developing diabetes from the sweetness. I certainly don't expect Gary Cooper stoicism, but I can't stomach overblown sentimentality. One guy overloaded my inbox with every glurgy email about "inspirational" stories, cutsie platitudes, etc. Another guy had to discuss and dissect his every feeling ad nauseum; there was no allowing for "Look, you're just having a bad day, okay?" We had to analyze it to death. That got real old real quick. They were nice guys, and I'm sure there are women who will be delighted with them, but they're really not my type.

2. "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" -- guys who figure that any woman who consents to any physical contact has consented to ALL physical contact. The whole "cuddle" thing is an excuse to cop a feel and try endlessly to pursue sex. And no amount of being upfront about "As interested as I might be, none of that until a ring and an I-do" deters these guys.

I'd like feedback from guys who put "cuddle" stuff in their profiles, as well as from women who've met them. Am I letting a couple of unsatisfactory examples prejudice me, or have I spotted a true to life pattern here?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
It was suggested to me to have a profile review
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:31:18 PM
The username isn't appealing to me. It just makes me wonder about your attitudes toward marriage/sex/relationships. Yeah, you explain it at the end, but maybe you'd better start with that. It's actually an interesting story.

You have a blurry picture of you and a nice sharp picture of a lazing cat. What up with that? Don't you have a friend who can take a picture of you with Fluffy?

You start your profile with nervous babbling, like a kid who was called on in class and doesn't know the answer and hopes he can bluff his way out of it. And you manage to hit every cliche squarely. Just cut to the chase and tell us about yourself.

I'd say start with the "rentahusband" explanation and then elaborate. And the way you tear apart cliches (after using so many of them yourself) makes you seem like you'd be mean spirited and looking to tear people down, too.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
First contact message..what do you like to get?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:22:57 PM
Giving her something to respond to helps. "I see you love the Trans Siberian Orchestra. I saw them in concert last year. The way that woman scampered around like a squirrel all while playing kickass music on that violin blew my mind!" Then she can either lament that she never saw TSO in concert, or she can reminisce about the concert she went to and what impressed her. But "I see you like music. Me too!" is too vague.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Too much of a good thing?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:15:28 PM
I've been independent for so long that I'm used to paying my way, but I realize that there can be motives other than conferring obligation for a guy to pick up the tab. He could be wanting to demonstrate financial stability, generosity, or whatever. What would make me uncomfortable is if he ALWAYS picked up the tab. I can pay my own way in the world, and I'm not looking for a Sugar Daddy.

Now, if we've had a few dates and a few conversations and he realizes, say, that he makes a lot more money than I do and he wants to go someplace upscale and says, "My treat this time," I'd not mind if he'd been letting me pay my own way the rest of the time. It's just like sometimes right before payday somebody will suggest that we all go out for lunch and a co-worker will say she's strapped, and I'll buy her lunch so that she can be with the rest of us, for the pleasure of her company. (Certainly no sexual obligation there!) She brings in food from home sometimes that she shares (she gave me a lot of venison recently), so it's a two-way street.

And I think that's a lot of what it's about. Are we equals here?
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How does a shy guy start a conversation with a lady?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:08:09 PM

"Hi I like you're dress"
"Thanks"


If I was interested in the guy at all, that'd be enough. I'd start with something like, "Thanks. Actually I raided my daughter's closet for it." Most women will readily talk about their kids, and sooner or later the guy will spot a common area of interest he can jump into -- especially if he has kids too.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How does a shy guy start a conversation with a lady?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:03:53 PM
Picking a specific thing to strike up a conversation about helps. You'd be surprised how a small thing might have a story behind it and that can start a conversation.

If a guy saw me and wanted to strike up a conversation, and let's say I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits. He could say he liked my:

1. Earrings. If he gave me a chance I'd say I bought them at an airport in Quingdao, China. That would open the door to some conversation.

2. Necklace. It used to be my grandmother's ring. I had it made into a pendant. The conversation could go to family or attitudes about jewelry, heirlooms, etc.

3. Skirt. I bought it in China when I was teaching an English camp as a mission trip. That opens up a LOT of possibilities for conversation.

4. Shoes. I bought them in Seoul, after having a Cinderella's Ugly Stepsister experience as a large-hoofed Western woman shopping for ladies' shoes in the petite-feet markets of Korea.

And I imagine I'm not alone among women in having clothes and jewelry and purses and so on that have stories behind them.

Even what I'm wearing right now, hanging out -- a t-shirt from Eastern State Penitentiary. Good conversation fodder about a lot of things related to the trip to Philly when I bought the shirt.

Narrowing it down can help. If she's interested in you, she'll latch onto something to tell a story about to keep the conversation going.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Can I Get an Honest Review?
Posted: 6/21/2009 6:45:06 PM

Lose the list and put the info into a short paragraph as it'll read better.


I liked the list, but I thought the hangover avoidance method red flags you as a heavy drinker.
 TravelingHomebody
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
How long have you been single??? Whats the longest?
Posted: 6/21/2009 6:37:55 PM
Single? Since 1991. Last serious relationship ended 1993.

Gave up dating for a long time because my kids were a higher priority. Then spent time doing teaching stints in Korea, where the men were all either Korean (no, thanks! -- for reasons I'll get into if anybody's really interested) or young enough to be my son (WAY no, thanks!)

Have only been back in The Land of Corn Free Pizza for a little over 18 months, and don't really work in a field that allows me to meet eligible men on the job. My hobby, ballroom dance, pretty much just puts me in a social setting with established couples. So! Here I am on POF.
 
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