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Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
...only accepts messages from certain users...
Posted: 1/23/2019 8:02:00 PM

Usually when you receive the "only accepts messages from certain users" message it's because you fall outside of the +/-14 years of age rule set by PoF.

I realize I'm necro-ing a thread, here, but I can't be the only one who thinks this rule is stupid, can I?

I mean, there is that whole Mail Settings thing for anyone who wants a specific age range. If you don't set it, that's on you, isn't it? I guess an argument can be made for the arbitrary +/- 14 if they simply didn't set it, but, frankly, I think that's the user's responsibility.

It's also rather frustrating if a woman's mail settings explicitly say that they accept messages and I fall in the range I set, but it's still outside of the +/- 14, and I get the obnoxiously vague "only accepts messages from certain users."
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
POF as Car Catalog
Posted: 2/9/2018 2:51:32 PM
I know this thread was from 2 months back, but I couldn't help it.

The subject line just made me giggle.

Frankly, I prefer women with:
- conditioned hair
- luxury sized boobs
- a pathological fear of beets
- power windows
- 15 year drivetrain warranty
- deluxe floormats...

I . . . uh, sorry, that was funnier in my head than it looks now that I've typed it all out.

Side note: upon meeting a girlfriend of mine, back in my college days, my mom looked her squarely in the eye and said: "No warranties, as-is. Also, no returns!" :D

Another friend of mine, trying to hook me up, said "Dude, it'll be no problem. I'll take you out there, and say 'boy for sale!' and it'll totally work!"

My response: "Uh, is this legal, man?"

(ok, so I stole that from The Simpsons. I'd say "sue me," but only Matt Groening can do that)
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
Flagging non-repliers
Posted: 9/10/2015 10:47:14 AM
AussieNancy wrote:

Message: Hi there. I like your profile. Can we meet sometime?
Reply: Hello. I'm not looking for anyone. Just here for the forums. Have a good day.

Message: So you'd rather talk to the forums than talk to me?
Reply: Thankyou for your message. Have a nice day.

Message: Listen, lady. You think you're better than me? I'm doing you a favour. If no one else wants you, I will.
Reply: Thankyou but I'm not interested at this time. All the best.

Message: Think yourself lucky I'm spending my time on you. Is this how you repay me? Being rude?
Reply: Good day Sir.

Message: You didn't answer my question. Is this how you treat someone who is trying to do you a favour? What sort of twisted biarttch are you? You encouraged me then turned me down. You're nothing but a cokk teaser.

YIKES!! I hope that's not typical or common!

On the other hand, I do think it's sort of impolite not to reply.. but I guess I think so because I sort of see it in a "saying hi to someone in public, and the person pretends you're not there" sort of way.

HOWEVER.... if the intent of not replying is to avoid a situation like the above, I'd probably suggest that, upon the first off-putting comment (in this case, I'd think potentially the second message, and definitely the third), that the Block feature would then be used. Or, depending on the language they use, the Report feature.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I make it a point to reply, even if with a gentle sort of not interested message. I've had a very small number of instances where someone got nasty with me, but I didn't even have to use the block feature. They did their nasty message, then subsequently blocked me (but obviously waiting long enough to be sure I got their message? I thought that was a little odd.. how would they know how soon I'd check?) But, while, yeah, somewhat off putting, I'd still rather be polite and respond, on the assumption that most people are understanding and seem to appreciate a response. In my experience, this has generally been the case.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 40 (view)
Is there a way to know how long a person has been on this site?
Posted: 9/10/2015 10:36:40 AM
I can't imagine why anyone would care.

I joined years ago. I'd go into hidden mode (I did still like the forums) for months or even years at a time if I was in a relationship.

However, I find the idea of completely deleting an old profile and creating a new one somewhat like ... I dunno, like someone's trying to hide something? Or, at least, I'd feel like I was trying to hide something if I was doing that.

I just never felt the need to do that. Then again, I wouldn't assume that if someone was on here for 2, 3, or 5 years or whatever, that they'd been on continuously and looking continuously that entire time. Kind of a silly assumption to make.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
Reporting abuse in a message?
Posted: 9/10/2015 10:28:23 AM
Yep, I would've assumed the green dot would go away. I'm mostly connected via my PC, and I shut my phone off every night (though I think it connects when the phone is on, without any action on my part).

Anyhoo, I gave your suggested method a shot, but since I'm blocked, I couldn't favorite the woman in question. However, since it's not a big deal (just a puzzling one), I'm going to go with your tried and true method!
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
Reporting abuse in a message?
Posted: 9/7/2015 5:40:36 PM
Ah, gotcha!

On a slightly different note, even though I'm blocked, this user keeps showing up in the "Contacts Online" section with the green dots on my Inbox. Is this a glitch, or is there some particular step I'm supposed to take?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
Reporting abuse in a message?
Posted: 9/6/2015 7:36:39 PM
LOL, on THAT note, I can assure you that what prompted it (from me, not sure about whomever she was thinking of) was NOT remotely bad.

It's a "shaking my head" kind of thing, but I don't think I've ever been called "psychotic" by the second sentence before. They do say that life is full of new experiences, though...
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
Reporting abuse in a message?
Posted: 9/6/2015 6:33:11 PM

Ah, I didn't get to do that, as the abusive user in question had fired off some messages (to which I foolishly replied to two, the first being in confusion), and then blocked me. Ergo, I didn't get to use the "report this message for inappropriate content" link, but was rather trying to report them via the "Report User" on their profile, thus the particular warning that I saw, which made me hesitate.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
Reporting abuse in a message?
Posted: 9/6/2015 10:23:38 AM
Is it allowable to report someone for sending abusive emails? Short, quick story, I sent a message to someone, and according to the Contact History page, today is the first time I've ever contacted them.

The reply involved first some confusion, followed by abusive language, a claim that I'd been in touch with them before, then a block (I'm guessing the block had to be while I was reading their messages, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to initially see them - obviously I can't see them at all now)

All well and good, and frankly, the block is a blessing more than anything at this point (except, of course, that I can't block them). The abusive language, however, DID bother me.

I was initially going to report the user (something I've never had to do until now), filled out the form, and was about to click, when I then belatedly noted the following statement on the top of the screen in red:

You can only report users based on the content of their Plentyoffish profile.
Reporting users because you don't like them or have silly disputes with them will result in your account being deleted.

So, does that mean anything abusive has to be in their profile itself, and any invective sent in messages is, in essence, an "out of our jurisdiction" sort of thing? Or reporting abusive messages being sent would result in MY account being deleted because I'm reporting abuse that was not in their profile?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
FREE POF April Mixer Atlantic City @ Vagabond Kitchen and Taphouse 6:30pm April 23 2015!
Posted: 4/21/2015 2:30:56 PM
Not 100% sure if I can make it - but I'm not overly familiar with the area.

Anyone know how easy/awful parking is there?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 170 (view)
To reply to generic messages or not??
Posted: 10/8/2014 4:33:10 PM
NDTfan wrote:

So what you're really saying is that even though I expressed myself exactly the way I wanted, and even provided further clarification,you're still not convinced? And that even though "clarification works", clarification really DIDN'T work?! I gotta tell you man, that's pretty dumb.

No. You said something that had a particular meaning. You then said that's not what what you wrote means.

Yes, it does. You either meant it exactly as you wrote it, which is what you're saying now, or you meant your clarification, which was supposed to correct what you wrote, which is what I believe you mean when you refer to "clarification"

NOW, what I see, is someone who's trying to have it both ways, who can make two conflicting statements and wants to be considered in the right with regard to both of them.

It appears to me that you have issues. Disclaimer: I'm no therapist.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 145 (view)
To reply to generic messages or not??
Posted: 10/5/2014 8:26:56 PM
NDT: I was trying to be a bit gentler with the language, but, fine. Put directly, I am not imagining, nor making anything up. Re-read, objectively, what you wrote that I referenced. As written, it has a particular meaning, and therefore speaks in support of a double standard.

If you didn't mean it that way, then fine, clarification works.

rockin-trucker: being practically your neighbor (ok, well, 45 minutesdown the AC Expressway, but close enough), I empathize. It's REALLY freakin' expensive here!
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 134 (view)
To reply to generic messages or not??
Posted: 10/3/2014 9:08:10 AM
BelleVintage wrote:

You can reply to generic messages with generic answers:
Q: "What's up?"
A: "the ceiling"

ROFL!!! I have used that reply to that question (in person, among friends, etc) WAY more times than I can count!

NDTfan wrote:

Seriously, all I hear on these forums from these men is how they don't have looks going for them, or finances, or a sense of humour, or a good personality, or intelligence, or any of the other things that make a good partner and how it's shallow of women for not dating them.

Yeah, I'm seeing the word "or" between each of those adjectives, but somehow you're coming off as "and" - the end of your sentence makes it sound like guys are claiming to have NONE of these attributes.

Nobody is going to have everything. But don't confuse missing ONE trait with missing everything.

Because you then follow up with:
NDTfan wrote:

Yet, ask any of them, and not one of them would be interested in an ugly, (and) dumb, (and) bitter, (and) angry, (and) fat woman.

There. Just clarified how the grammar works. You're describing a hypothetical guy who is missing ONE of a list of traits, yet then with "or any of the other things... " etc. saying he has NO redeeming qualities, AND THEN and calling him on the carpet for not being interested in a woman who, in YOUR description of her, has ZERO redeeming qualities?

Is your standard really that a guy MUST have no flaws, MUST have ALL the qualities a woman wants, but any single imperfection means he's wrong for not dealing with a woman who is ugly, AND dumb, AND bitter, AND angry, AND fat?

That sounds like a pretty horrific double standard.

As an aside, I take issue with fat being used as a negative trait, as well. Fat does not necessarily mean unattractive, and slim does not necessarily mean attractive.

I have seen slim women I'm attracted to.
I have seen fat women I'm attracted to.
I have seen slim women I found unattractive.
I have seen fat women I found unattractive.
*shrug* - I know what I like when I see it. So do most people.

dgcadiz wrote:

1+1=10 or 1+1=2, it simply depends on the assumptions or perspective that you are using.

Ha, binary! Love it!
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 2367 (view)
Mandatory DNA tests at birth?
Posted: 10/3/2014 8:49:54 AM
ohwhynot46 wrote:

I have to say that I agree with this:

...but suffice it to say, people should be wary of any type of forced DNA collection.
Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
Big brother is NOT your friend, enough said, I hope.

Not to put too fine a point on this, but this is a bogus excuse, and avoids the true topic.

Let's say the cost was ZERO. Let's say the risk of abuse of the information is ZERO.

What's your objection now?

Frankly, I find these "privacy" reasons and "cost" reasons to be evasions. Government is supposedly so incompetent that they can't do anything right, yet, magically, they can also do this Big Brother thing error free and with terrifying results?

No, this is just hiding behind an excuse.

Take the question in TOTAL ISOLATION: Should paternity tests be done at birth? Don't bring up distracting issues.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 40 (view)
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 10/3/2014 8:45:05 AM
Hmm, that's the thing that makes me cringe. Had an ex like that. She liked going out, and was good at finding things/places. I wasn't. Naturally, she insisted that I suggest stuff. So she could reject them, I think. In my case, there as an ulterior motive (not counting laziness) - but, eh, I think my particular experience with that makes me cringe at the word.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 2360 (view)
Mandatory DNA tests at birth?
Posted: 9/24/2014 8:18:19 PM
This thread is still going nearly 4 years later? Dang! I posted in the "early days" of this thread.

Does anyone remember that the OP was a woman? Most of the people objecting to the concept acted as if it was a man who was the OP.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 87 (view)
To reply to generic messages or not??
Posted: 9/22/2014 7:11:35 PM
rockin-trucker82 wrote:

What are we honestly supposed to say to these girls to start a conversation, "My last girlfriend had the same bra."?

I . . I am ashamed to say that I missed this one when I read this thread.... and it is HILARIOUS!

Seems like it'd be a GREAT opening line - but I don't think the humor would be appreciated, sadly.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 81 (view)
To reply to generic messages or not??
Posted: 9/21/2014 11:49:30 AM
Tough call on this one.... I mean, I guess you'd want them to say a little something, but, it's sort of unnatural as the FIRST conversation ever, even if electronically transmitted.

Ultimately, think about how conversation would start in the real world. So, I have to agree with daysleeper5:

The way it would start in person at a party, BBQ or whatever would likely be, "Hi, I'm..."

Yes, absolutely in agreement 100%. That IS how a natural, in-person conversation would start.

Sure, sometimes it might be easy to add something else based on the person's profile, but sometimes it's still REALLY freaking hard! It doesn't even have to be one of those profiles that's very short or says very little, even the more fully developed ones tell you a lot about a woman, but don't really give you a good idea on how to write a first message that would NOT be how a normal conversation would start.

I would say that, of the messages I've gotten that were initiated by women, a good 70% of them were simple, one-sentence greetings. And yes, quite a few even just "Hi" or "Hello" or something like that.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 82 (view)
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/21/2014 11:43:02 AM
Huh, I remember reading that book some years back. Loaned to me by a female friend, oddly. Though, to be honest, I got more of the impression that the PUA aspect of it was sort of the intro, and that ultimately, it was more about how dysfunctional that group of guys all became amongst themselves.

That said... negging, hard to get, feigned interest, feigned disinterest, feigned ANYTHING...

That's all a bunch of crap. I'll lament about why can't people just be honest, etc., but I'm sure it's been said before.

If you're interested in me, don't try to convince me of anything BUT that. If I'm interested in you, I shouldn't try to convince you of anything BUT that.

I may be shy and awkward about it, that's it.

Anything else is just game playing. And, frankly, STUPID.

Ok, ok, I'll get off my soapbox now.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
When they are a fanatic about something you enjoy
Posted: 9/21/2014 11:15:03 AM
gtomustang said:

but just can't allow anyone to get the last word in on something they're just too passionate about, do you see that as a red flag, or just something you overlook b/c, "really, how important to breaking up the relationship is it--let them have this one thing?"

I can sometimes get like this, and even interrupt. But it's from enthusiasm, and something someone has said has made a thought or idea pop into my head and I have to get it out there before I forget it as I become engrossed in the rest of the conversation.

If it's based on enthusiasm, I think it's a good thing.

If, however, as Iam_RFSF2014 said:

someone who is SO 'right about everything' about their particular passion may skew towards 'being right about every subject',

then THAT'S a problem. If it's not the way they do it, or the way they see it, then it's flat out wrong. I'd go so far as to say that it's dysfunctional.

Hopefully, though, it's the former, and not the latter.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
what should i do if a girl says she like guys who are proactive
Posted: 9/21/2014 11:04:48 AM
How'd the second date go?

The word proactive, in the context she used it, makes me cringe a little, but, again, other posters are right, couldn't hurt to date a little and see if it's a minor thing, maybe awkwardly worded, or if it turns out it's a laziness thing, and you're expected to keep her entertained.

Also, better to learn now than to be told after being in a relationship for a while... and at which point it was basically just laziness, or expecting the other person to do everything. Or maybe wanting a response of "how high" when she says "jump"

Those are things to avoid - but not everybody uses the word the same way...
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 100 (view)
Narcissitic Personality Disorder or Psychopath
Posted: 9/21/2014 10:10:18 AM
In addition, it's worth noting that, behavior-wise, there's quite a bit of overlap between Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm given to understand (I am NOT a professional) that the latter is in a person who can't control their emotions, and the former is more with people who deliberately plan and manipulate. Both are just as damaging.

(I've also noticed that some of these behaviors overlap that of the Sociopath - particularly in what Sahasrara described as people who have to mimic genuine human qualities to get what they want)
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
Sent a message that says sent, but wasn't sent?
Posted: 1/7/2014 6:54:12 PM
Ok, let me clarify the confusing title....

I sent a message to someone on this site. Given a hiccup that I'd had before, I copy-pasted it to a text editor before sending.

Ok, so I sent it - and the resulting screen takes me to a page that says my message was sent successfully, and here are more people similar to the person I just emailed, etc etc. In other words, the same screen I'd expect to see after sending a message.

Here's where it gets weird. When I go to the Sent Messages... the one I'd just "successfully" sent doesn't show up! And when I go to my Contact History screen, the person I'd just sent a message to doesn't show up there, either.

So, I tried again. Same results - success screen, similar people, but no sign in Sent Messages or in Contact History that I'd ever sent anything to that user.

Anyone know what's going on? Is this a known issue?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
Funny Profile Headlines
Posted: 10/28/2013 6:57:55 PM

"Pretend we met online... Wait?... Crap..."

I envy the fact that you came up with this - well done, sir!
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
Funny Profile Headlines
Posted: 10/13/2013 8:11:53 PM
Eh, I've been too lazy to change mine....

"Does the internet make my butt look big?"

Though I think I really should trade it in for another comedic one.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
Cannot message a user whose mail settings I appear to match? And related Mail Settings questions..
Posted: 10/12/2013 8:38:44 PM
Hmm, I'm not aware of having messaged anyone looking for "intimate encounter" - though I will admit that I quite often look at the "Intent" field, and quite often miss the "For" field...

Is there any way I can find out if I've triggered the "intimate encounters" threshold?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
Cannot message a user whose mail settings I appear to match? And related Mail Settings questions..
Posted: 10/7/2013 6:26:57 PM
Ok, there are a few things that are confusing me.... but I've recently come back to POF after a hiatus of quite some time.

I notice that some users have their Mail Settings visible, and some do not - but I don't see a setting that allows me to make my mail settings visible/invisible (and I admit to not understanding why one would want to hide their filters).

Also, while the Mail Settings still have the ability to block people who're Looking For:
- Hang Out*
- Friendship*
- Activity Partner
- Dating*
- Long-term*
- Intimate Encounter
- Talk/E-mail
- Other Relationship

it appears that there's nowhere on my profile to set/unset some of these ie: "I am looking for..." with all those values - only the ones I've marked with asterisks are still listed...

Finally, and the big one . . I tried to send a message to a user - and her Mail Settings were visible, and set to:
To send a message to **** you MUST meet the following criteria:
Age between 30 and 45.
Live in United States
Live within 75 miles.
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
You must have a picture to contact this user.
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not be married

So I know I match all those criteria. Yet it responds with:
**** > accepts messages only from certain users. Why not message one of your Matches instead? Return to your inbox

What am I missing here?

Thanks in advance...
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
Dating after divorce
Posted: 5/23/2011 5:23:17 PM
GeekedNow wrote:

How long 'dating around' after a divorce would you consider enough time before getting serious again assuming three things. One, you 'know' yourself living by yourself, two you date plenty and three you were married for lets say about 10 years.

Ok, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone/everything else who is a member of the forums . . let's all say it together.

"There IS NO RULE about how long it takes after a relationship before the person is ready."

THERE IS NO RULE. There is no FORMULA. Nothing. Nada.

It's different for everyone, because everyone's situation and everyone's mental make up is different.

I was ready while I was still married because I was separated for a significant amount of time, and let's face it, my ex-wife's behavior GUARANTEED that I'd be over her FAST.

Some people take a long time.

Some people think that a marriage certificate and divorce papers have some magical effect on people's emotions. Because the LAW says you're together, well, you must certainly still be in love, regardless of circumstances.

You know, because unmarried couples NEVER break up, and when they do, regardless of how long they've been together, they don't have the advantage of highly refined mathematical formulas to tell them when to start dating again - they're ready right away.


I don't know why this utter fiction of "You need time to heal" is applied like a blanket to EVERYONE.

When you're ready, you're ready, when you're not, you're not, no matter what calculations any of us on these forums give you about "FDA minimum recommended allowance of time to yourself."
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
She's Unsure about what she wants...
Posted: 5/23/2011 5:06:48 PM
I'm not answering this one JUST because my screen name has a bit to do with the content of the OP's post, but...

mercurial_one wrote:

we talked and she said that while she was okay with me seeing other girls, asked that I remain only intimate with her.
"...because I have no idea what I want myself."

I see this as selfish game-playing. Call me a cynic, but she effectively seems to have said that you must be exclusive, at least sexually, to her... but it appears that she isn't quite willing to make that a two-way street.

Ok, I don't know if she's been intimate with the ex or not... but it sounds an awful lot like 2 sets of standards are being developed.

I'm not sure, though.

In any case, my view is that all bets are off. And, again, may be the cynic in me, but play along with her if you like, but since she is clearly keeping her options open - you MUST do the same.

And to somewhat paraphrase (and mangle) Cdn_Iceman's quote above - until she is willing to make you a priority, you should not make her a priority.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/23/2011 4:56:29 PM
Janet_Always wrote:

Sometimes I have asked a simple "how long have you been divorced" or "how long were you married" kind of question and walked away from the date knowing way more about the ex-wife than I did the guy I was trying to get to know.

That's not talking about an ex-wife, that's going overboard.

Though, in one particular noteworthy case, a woman asked me about my ex, and my past marriage, and I had no problem answering. Didn't feel I had anything to hide - and, like me, the woman herself was divorced and had a child.

Then she asked follow up questions. Again, pretty innocuous, and again, I had no problems answering, and then she'd ask about certain aspects, etc.

Then, subsequent to that conversation, she didn't think it would work - keep in mind, we hadn't met yet.

The reason? Because the amount of time I spent talking about my ex-wife, to her, CLEARLY indicated that I was obsessed with my ex and not over her!

I am not kidding, this actually happened!

Obviously at some point I was supposed to stop answering her questions, or ask her "Why do you want to know so much about my previous relationship?" or something....

So, maybe it's the bias of my past experience, but I wonder, then, what constitutes a simple direct question. While that one case was a pretty bizarre example, in my own experience, I have *never* met a woman who simply asked about how long I was married, or how long since I'd been divorced, and it being that and nothing more following.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/23/2011 4:50:44 PM
Correct, indeed!

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/18/2011 5:51:37 PM
Janet_Always wrote:

A guy that talks about his ex is a turnoff, so just avoid it.

Bit of a digression - but that's a sort of odd point of view.

What if the woman the guy is with ASKS about his ex? Is he supposed to pretend he didn't hear the question?

What if he's talking about something event in his past where his ex was present? Is he supposed to edit her out?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
First message for a really short profile?
Posted: 5/12/2011 8:14:23 PM
I get the impression that, male or female, having a profile with little to no content translates to:

"I am so hot that I don't need to impress you. YOU need to impress ME."

But, hey, I'm no psychologist...
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
His wife
Posted: 5/12/2011 8:00:52 PM
RSS wrote:

I just discovered the guy who kept refering to his ex as his wife has only been divorced for 4, count them, four months.

So? How long was he separated? How long was the relationship over?

The finishing of the legal procedures and signing of the legal paperwork has close to ZERO correlation with the end of the relationship.

If you're not married, it's over when you break up.

If you're married, it is NOT over when you break up because the state has something to say on the matter.

RSS wrote:

... and yes, he's still in love with her.

Did he TELL you this? If so, then fine. He needs to think about things before he starts dating.

If not, then how did you come to this conclusion?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
How to get an ex back?
Posted: 5/12/2011 7:53:27 PM
It took her TWO YEARS, INCLUDING 4 months, to figure out that she doesn't love you, that she only thinks of you as a friend?

I don't know if there's really no interest, if she's playing some kind of game, or what.

In any case, it's bad news for you.

Whatever the game is, don't play it.

Be rid of her. If it's your place, kick her out. If it's her place, move out.

Move on. Sometimes VERY hard to do, but it HAS to be done.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/12/2011 7:41:31 PM
I wouldn't.

But then again, I personally know both men and women who at age 20 or so were FAR more mature and emotionally stable than other people I know in their late 40s and early 50s.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
i need some advice
Posted: 5/12/2011 7:34:01 PM
She's proven to an almost exaggerated degree exactly what type of woman she is, and it sounds like that's not the type of woman you want.

Boot her to the curb. Plain and simple. Not too close to your trash, though - the trash would be insulted.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 66 (view)
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 4/20/2011 6:27:15 PM
If they did not have the "exclusive" conversation, where they BOTH agree that they are in an exclusive relationship and will not date other people, then it is not cheating.

No ASSUMING based on one person or another's own personal preferences or habits . . . did the "exclusive" conversation take place?

If so, then it's cheating.

If not, then it's not cheating.

If that conversation did not take place, then what you did was very wrong, but also, if your friend subsequently reacted as if the guy had done something wrong, then she isn't really any better.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 83 (view)
interesting demand on profile
Posted: 3/31/2011 5:50:23 PM
Hrm, I wonder now . . . . . is the point of view of the average person that:

"I'm just looking and casually noticing that a member of the opposite sex is attractive, but YOU'RE staring at them and being a jerk."

*shrug* who knows?

On the other hand, it does parallel nicely with the "I have preferences, YOU'RE a superficial jerk" philosophy, on which I've opined in a thread dedicated (light-heartedly) to just that.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
interesting demand on profile
Posted: 3/24/2011 6:27:12 PM
If I may play Devil's Advocate here . .

I've noticed that profiles tend to state pet peeves now and then - OR, will state something where its' clear that the person has experienced a particular problem one or more times in dating/relationships in the past, and therefore is sort of trying to say "I don't want someone who does X, Y, and Z or has a problem with X, Y, and Z"

It's hard to draw the line between stating things that you think should be obvious, and griping about people from the past.

Where am I going with this?

A certain male friend of mine was in a relationship, for some time, with this one woman. She was, by most standards, very attractive (though not my type in particular), and she would often berate him for checking out other women.

The problem was, that he wasn't checking out other women. He sometimes wouldn't have even SEEN the woman he was supposedly ogling.

He'd get crap literally if he noticed any female. Ever. Anywhere. Even to avoid walking into her.

Before you say that my friend or I are exaggerating . . he stayed up later than usual one night to watch The Tonight Show because Julia Louis-Dreyfus was on. Now, my friend and his brother were both HUGE fans of Seinfeld.

This prompted a rather lengthy argument, with his girlfriend accusing him of watching because he wanted to fvck her (Julia Louis-Dreyfus, that is).

This was much the same argument with ANY woman he saw, glanced at, happened to be in his field of vision for at least a half second, etc.

In reality, it could've been Jason Alexander on the show, and he'd've been just as happy to watch.

So . . if this person the OP refers to has been through something like that, maybe he's trying to assert "I will not deal with that kind of crap" in a very clumsy manner.

Just saying it's a possibility is all.... depending on what happened to him in the past.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:17:50 PM
forumfishie wrote:

So that was money well spent!
All those years studying human behavior and you still have no idea why humans act the way they do?

Nope. We studied WHAT they do, and why when there was a direct reason ("I'm hungry" or "I want to get out of the rain") but not why when they do things that are incomprehensible!

But, yep, it was a fun diversion. Along with English, pre-Med, Computer Science, Philosophy, and Theater. Maybe a few others. I was *really* indecisive in college.

That's the way people are
Nothing you can do but date someone
who thinks you are "it"

Yeah, but I still wonder WHY people are so self-defeating at times.

On the other hand, as I'm currently with the one who I think is "it" and who also seems to think I'm "it" (quirks and all), I think I'm good!

Paddy_o_Lantern wrote:

OP you just have to get used to the idea that in many respects there is one set of rules for women and another for men we are not the same and likely will never be. Sometimes this is good and other times not so good ... vive la différence

True. In fact, my ex-wife taught me that to an extremely blatant degree (causing eyebrows to be raised by a divorce-mediation professional, a family therapist, and a family court judge, all three female, among others...)

Though I'm fairly certain that this double-standard is probably held to a greater or lesser degree by BOTH genders. I guess that makes it a quad-standard. Or maybe a zero standard.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 6:08:21 PM
IgorFrankensteen wrote:

I think it's more like:

"YOU'RE Picky. I'M 'Selective.'"

That is because you're a far more concise writer than I am (ok, so among my majors was English, which taught me to write, but couldn't cure me of long-windedness).

As to other posts, hey, I'll admit that I find humor in some of the blatantly counterproductive things we humans do. Or the particularly self-defeating. Or something like that...

EDIT: Whoa, this was marked for potential deletion already? Hrm, not the first time this has happened with my recent posts. SOMEbody's got a thin skin! Or doesn't like me. Or finds my sense of humor baffling/incomprehensible (ok, the latter, I can sort of understand... but I like to think of myself as ever-so-slightly eccentric)

But Jeez Louise . . what cardinal rule did someone think I'd broken here?!
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
I have preferences, but YOU'RE superficial.
Posted: 2/15/2011 5:27:14 PM
Ok, this is something I've often joked about with friends.

I'm actually vaguely getting the impression I might've posted something to a message board on it. I'm hoping not THIS one because I'll really feel like senility is hitting me if I've repeated myself.

Anyway, in the course of dating online and such, I've come across women (and I'm sure guys do this, too, but as I'm a straight male, I can't say with authority) who state that they're looking for a guy who is not just out for surface beauty, who is not just superficial, etc.

I've on the other hand come across profiles where a woman states that they're looking for tall, or good looking, or . . etc etc basically stating what they want in terms of (way?) above average looks and/or attributes.

Nothing particularly wrong with either of those except that:

1) In the case of the latter, well, while women accuse men of being superficial jerks, are they also accusing the women whose profiles I mention in my "on the other hand" paragraph ALSO of being superficial jerks


2) Sometimes . . maybe more than sometimes, the two things I've observed above about women's profiles exist IN THE SAME PROFILE (though maybe with a bit more subtlety than I've described.

Like I said, I'm sure guys do it, too. I'd *suspect* guys do it less because, well, let's be honest, there's a rather notable tendency for automatic assumption of the superficial-jerk-ness of guys. It's almost treated as a de facto truth.

So, having in my past been a Sociology major, and Anthropology major, etc., I found this intriguing. Being both in my past and present a part-time wise-@ss, I've found it intriguing AND humorous.

Ergo, my conclusion is my subject line . . . . the prevailing attitude is "When YOU do it YOU'RE being a superficial jerk. When I do it, I'm simply stating my personal preferences, and there's nothing wrong with that."

Thoughts? Observations? Opinions? Agreements? Disagreements? Dissertations?
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
Attracting the right girls.
Posted: 1/13/2011 8:04:53 PM
Maybe you do - it couldn't hurt to look into counseling.

I guess you're sort of hitting that point where "Hey, I'm looking for something a little more serious than what I've been" but don't quite know how to let go of the old habits and pursue what you feel like you want now.

A lot of the posts do come off rather as bashing - but, to abuse a cliche "The first step is in admitting you have a problem" and you've done exactly that.

I'm not sure if you need full blown therapy, but maybe a little counseling, or at least someone to talk to, that might help clarify what you want, how you're going about it, etc.

NOT, by the way, an internet forum - which, eh, tends to be a bit harsh and judgmental at times!
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/13/2011 7:52:27 PM
som1spcl wrote:

PS. I told him that I didn't think there was a right or wrong answer for this.

Good. Because there isn't. Ok, I probably lean toward his answer, but that's my thinking. I can sort of understand both.

You've got the jitters because you really like this guy. But, even though you've canceled on the other guy because you really think you want to pursue it with this guy, look at the "cancel/don't cancel on the next person" from the other side of the coin.

From the guy's point of view, this other girl may really click with him much more than you. From YOUR point of view, the guy you chose now to cancel on might've made a connection with you even moreso than this guy did.

Or, for either or both, it could be less. You really just don't know.

It's a tough call to make. But like I said, I lean toward what the guy chose to do because 1) It DOES seem kind of rude to me to bail, and 2) Honestly, in dating, we're looking for the right one.

Granted, #2 can be taken to a neurotic extreme (NEVER choosing anyone because with over 3 billion people of the opposite sex, SURELY there's one even MORE ideally suited to me just around the corner, etc etc)... but I digress...

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right. Just relax. It'll either work, or it won't.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
Most OBVIOUS come on that was missed?
Posted: 1/13/2011 5:50:27 PM
I was young. Well, 16 or 17.

At work.

Years later I figured it out. Hey, I'm naive, I admit it.

Was cleaning up aisles at Toys R Us after closing, so this certain female co-worker was there, and we were chatting a bit while working.

And at one point, I'm standing facing the shelves trying to find where something goes, and she comes up to my left, puts her hands on my left shoulder, rests her chin on her hands, and continues chatting with me.

I did NOT get it. Apparently she was interested.

Subtle hints don't work with me. OBVIOUS hints don't work with me. Carving a message into a brick and smacking me with it MIGHT work, but I'd suggest holding on to that brick to smack me with it a second time, just to be sure.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
The Look On Her Face
Posted: 1/13/2011 5:27:49 PM
This thread reminds me of a movie quote. Well, brief bit of dialogue, actually:

What's he like?

God? Lonely. But funny. 'E's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

Sex is a joke in heaven?

The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down 'ere, too.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 248 (view)
Christian girl refuses to marry her Athiest b/f unless he converts to Christianity.
Posted: 1/13/2011 4:59:57 PM
TDH49 wrote:

Is this a fair demand on her part?

In a word, no. No more so than he demanding that she renounce God and convert to atheism. Actually, the latter is arguably a slightly MORE reasonable demand.

TDH49 wrote:

What would you do if you were in his situation?

As I personally find her to be rather nearly impossible (barring some sort of very sudden revelation, change of mind/philosophy/heart/etc, or whatever), the odds of ANYONE changing religious beliefs THAT radically, and SINCERELY believing in it, is close to zero. He can fake it, and most in such a demand do, but that's all it is.

She is also, to some extent, hypocritical (being that insistent on demanding a Christian husband while flagrantly violating one of the 10 commandments).

Me? What would I do? Hard to say, as I'm not in love with her. My choices are basically to 1) lie to her (false conversion), 2) continue on with things as they are if I'm happy with it, or 3) in a fit of pique, be as true to her in an exclusive relationship fashion as she is true to the tenets of her faith.

*shrug* but love can make people do crazy, illogical things at times.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/12/2011 8:44:53 PM
To be honest, the "tough" breakups weren't "tough for them and not me."

Of the two that come to mind, one was where the woman did NOT want to break it off, but was trying to manipulate some sort of weird leverage in the relationship, so used the breakup as a bluff.

She didn't expect that it would result in a breakup. Oops.

The second one that comes to mind was someone *I* had fallen in love with. But, alas, the situation turned out to be something akin to being in a madhouse.

Still, it seems that people are taking this a bit more seriously than I'd intended. The post was meant for a laugh or two - re-read the subject line, after all...

In fact, it was taken so much the wrong way by at least one person that they submitted this for deletion - TROLLING - of all things!

Not to say that the, oh, for lack of a better term, "hotter chicks" that dumped me didn't sometimes do me wrong, but they didn't attempt to run me through the wringer in the process.

In any case, I *know* that it's most likely just a coincidence that it happened that way. But it does, on the surface, look like what I'd posted in my first post in this thread was true. Spurious correlation, though. But interesting, and, yeah, I think funny, nonetheless.

Maybe I'm just easily amused...
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
Taking the wrong lesson from Dating and Love (a lighthearted misinterpretation)
Posted: 1/11/2011 8:10:57 PM
Whoo, ok, so maybe I shouldn't try to post my entire thread in the subject line, should I?

Anyhoo, I was thinking on my past relationships - dating, long-term, my marriage/divorce, etc.

It occurs to me that there was a particularly odd pattern.

Y'see, as it turns out, whenever things broke off with some women, they broke off in a fairly non-dramatic way.

Yet with others, there was misery, suffering, heartache, hostility, etc.

The odd pattern is that the smooth (not necessarily graceful or considerate, just relatively smooth) break-offs always happened with women who definitely appealed to my physical preferences.

The horrific ones happened with those whom I looked beyond the surface, for the inner-beauty, for their inner-self. Not to say that they were unattractive, mind you, just that they weren't physically on the top of my list as being my type.

So, in conclusion, the lesson I am to take from my experiences is that I should stop looking at the inside, because then I will get hurt. I should clearly be a shallow, superficial cad! If I like the inner-person afterward, well, that's gravy!

I suspect, however, that I will have great difficulty getting a publishing deal should I write a book on relationships, and probably equal difficulty getting a talk-show where I am a relationships "expert." Call it a hunch....
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