Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

          

Show ALL Forums
Posted In Forum:

Home   login   MyForums  
 
 Author Thread: Sexless relationships
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Sexless relationships
Posted: 4/11/2019 5:35:09 PM
People avoid sex when they are not attracted to the other person. I'm guessing few will admit to themselves--let alone to their partner--that this is the root cause, but it is.

Many things can lead to the loss of attraction--and even a well-rested mom may not recover that feeling toward the father of her child. It's a lot more complex than that. And she has to want to recover that feeling, too. If she feels resentment b/c of how much her workload has increased, for example, while papa doesn't seem to have taken on many new responsibilities, she will be less inclined to want to work on it. Resentment can also grow if one partner "guilts" the other into sex. This dynamic can be changed, but both have to want it and have to be willing to change to make it happen.
 qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 27 (view)
 
He talks endlessly on whatsapp but wont commit to a date!
Posted: 3/20/2019 6:46:53 PM
I'll exchange about 5 messages and if we are not set to for coffee or another short meet and greet by then, I'm on to the next.

So your scenario can't happen to me. I don't care how much I "like" what I've seen and read--nothing is real until you meet. A short, casual interaction IRL will be enough to determine if we each want to move forward.

Any adult who is so hesitant to have a public encounter is going to be more work than I'm willing to do.

Are you sure he isn't still married?
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Dinner Dates - One & Done - Feasable...?
Posted: 5/27/2018 6:48:16 PM
Make it clear in your profile that you are not looking for a relationship, just dinner and good conversation, and give it a go. I'd certainly go out with someone who asked if I thought he'd be good company for a casual evening of conversation, and feel none the worse for knowing I was unlikely to see him again. I'd want to split the tab/pay for my own meal, however, so maybe be flexible on that.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 42 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/21/2018 4:19:54 PM
I'm camp B, but would change the definition to distinguish between eliminating social differences and respecting biological differences without allowing any sort of biological determinism.

It's funny that anyone thinks feminists would decline fighting for their country--it is a right women have sought for many years, and have actually accomplished, in so-called "non-combat roles" for many years already. Didn't the military recently remove that distinction, and women are now allowed in combat roles? I may have that wrong, but I know too many women who worked with patrols in Iraq (for example) in "non-combat" roles, who were right in the thick of things and did their duty.

I think a sure sign that someone doesn't deserve the title "feminist" would be arguing that women can't or shouldn't fight for their country.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 25 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/20/2018 5:06:44 PM

I'm guessing the bold quote in this thread was from NDTFan or a similar hypocritical misandrist feminist who wants to cherry pick.

No feminist has ever sought equality. If equality existed, women would be forced to register for the draft, get drafted, deployed, and killed in combat. For over 100 years in the USA, women have been able to vote, but have not had the responsibility of the draft. If true equality existed, the 19th amendment would be overturned and only people who registered for the draft would be allowed to vote. Most wars are started and maintained by Democrats, and feminists tend to vote Democrat. The wars kill significant numbers of male voters, adding to female control of the vote. Thankfully the majority of white women who voted chose Trump over feminist Hillary, showing there's a sane (non feminist) majority in the USA.

Women make nearly 100% of the choice of whether a baby is born or killed, yet the man is forced to pay so-called "child support" when she chooses to have it. If true equality existed, Roe v Wade would be overturned and replaced with a rule that if anyone who could possibly be the father doesn't want the kid to be born, the mother would be forced to have an abortion.

Millions of American men have no 2nd Amendment rights because the so-called "violence against women" act takes guns away from any man who is falsely accused of domestic violence. Over half of actual domestic violence is a female attacker against a male victim, yet the law only takes guns away from men. Have never heard of a feminist seeking to end the discriminatory law you can tell from the title is biased.

Many other examples of inequality exist: women live longer, over 90% of suicides are male, over 99% of the people killed by police are male (and mostly white. Contrary to popular belief, only 23% of those killed by cops are black), over 99% of the victims of the death penalty are male, most homeless people are male, most cancer victims are male, most deaths on the job are male, etc, could go on forever. No feminist has ever sought equality on any of these issues.

Feminists also assume guilt when innocent men are charged with rape or wifebeating, as shown by the many hoaxes such as the Rolling Stone false rape allegation or the Duke lacrosse team false rape allegation. Meanwhile, countless women commit and get away with rape without any consequences, for example the female teachers who rape young boys and rake in fat pensions for the rest of their life.

Feminists are hypocrites. For example, Marlo Thomas fired a staffer because she got pregnant. They love Bill Clinton even though he did the same type of things Trump and other targets of the "me too movement" are accused of doing.

Another way feminists are hypocrites is the way they do a 180 on abortion if a baby is aborted because it's female and the parents only want a son. Then the feminists demand a forced birth and they steal pro-life arguments from the right such as abortions cause breast cancer.


You sound like an angry person, but some of what you say is still true (and I'm not going to waste time pointing out the factual errors, b/c that isn't the point). And all of it ties to patriarchy, which is what feminism aims to dismantle. Patriarchy has many damaging manifestations--it hurts men as well as women.

You seem particularly angry that men cannot expect to control a woman's body, which is what decisions about pregnancy and childbirth or abortion ultimately come down to.

There are indeed many weak minded people who claim to be feminists but don't deserve the title. Confront those people about where they are belying their own alleged cause--but get your facts straight, first, or you will weaken your argument. I actually do this on a regular basis and pay a price for holding myself and others to a higher standard.

Or remain bitter and angry about the wrong things and deride something that could, in fact, hold answers to many of the problems you mention.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 14 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/19/2018 4:06:56 PM
There is nothing man-hating about feminism. Real feminism means wanting equality, not wanting to put anyone else down. It means dismantling patriarchy, not dismantling individual men. I'm a very committed, strong feminist who loves many men for who they are, not for what they could "provide." I have two amazing sons who will be wonderful partners to any woman who is attracted to men who treat women as equals and respect them for their individual abilities.

Being a feminist also means I can love men without having to be attracted to them or sexually involved. I have very close male friends because of this. I can also tell a mile away when a man has no use for a woman to whom he is not attracted and, therefore, devalues her b/c she is not serving his patriarchal need to be sexually attracted to see value in a woman. Such men do not have female friends and they speak of "unattractive" women (women they find unattractive, including pretty much any woman who is overweight) with abhorrence. Check yourself to make sure you aren't one of those type of men.

Now as to the women you describe--who hold a grudge against all men b/c they have had bad experiences with specific men--these women are not feminists, and you can tell them I said so. ANYONE who judges individuals based on stereotypes about a group (like judging a specific man as a "user" because "all men are users") is not a feminist. That person may be damaged and deserving of compassion, but likely isn't too bright or open-minded. Be thankful these women reveal themselves to you and keep looking for someone who takes you as an individual. Just be ready--she will expect you to drop your sexist assumptions and treat her as an individual, too.
 qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Having something to offer..!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2018 7:44:53 PM
"Basically don't be a bum who can't sustain any form of lifestyle other than sitting on the couch farting and watching TV because that comes along later in the relationship and you don't want to rush things."

Hahahahahaha; that's awesome!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Blocked On Everything.
Posted: 5/6/2018 12:04:39 PM
First, he was right: you weren't comfortable with his female friend, and so the two of you could not be a match.

You picked up on something not-quite-on-the-level about this "friend," and he became indignant about it, and cut you off. Guess what? You were very likely right--he had lied and wasn't being honest or respectful. He had an STD and wasn't being responsible to take care of his own health, let alone a potential partner's. Who self-diagnosis "skin tags" in that region? Pfffffttt.

The real issue is, why don't you trust yourself more, and why are you becoming attached to someone who is setting off your warning signals?

You lost your temper--deal with that, and do better next time. But to feel that it ended badly because of what you did? That was a two-way street. It needed to end and no contact with him is best. Next time, don't lose your temper, but recognize that all the explanations are weird and you don't need someone with that kind of baggage in your life--and you be the one, calmly, to block all contact, so you aren't tempted back out of loneliness or desperation.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 169 (view)
 
Older men's expectations
Posted: 5/3/2018 4:58:04 PM

There was woman I messaged who was a numerologist and wanted your number [derived from your name]. She wrote back that she doesn't date 8s.


She's holding out for a 9 or 10? :)
 qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 33 (view)
 
She called to catch up out of the blue..
Posted: 4/28/2018 2:20:06 PM
OP, what I'm seeing here is you playing, "If they just understood the whole thing as I do, they'd give me the answer I want."

Unfortunately, that is not true, nor is it a good way to get advice. Trust me--I used to do that, so I know.

Post your question, read the answers. If you don't like the answers, consider why--because they are not thoughtful? Or because they do not contain what you want to hear?

Most people here have said that you don't really have a chance. Ok. What difference does that make? Either you will walk away or take a chance. You don't need anyone's approval to risk it--why argue?

Good luck, either way.
 qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 44 (view)
 
What do you think the norm is for dates resulting in sex?
Posted: 4/28/2018 1:45:30 PM
"And even when I was dating him, he made it seem like things were moving a lot slower than he was used to. "

I'm thinking that this is why you hesitated, despite the attraction--he was giving off some type of vibe that you were not compatible. I'm quite sure there is no norm, no rule, thank goodness. Trusting your gut is all that matters. Sexual freedom is also the freedom to decline.

You sound pretty self-aware, and that's great. Good luck.
 qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Being unrealistic about age of potential dates?
Posted: 3/27/2016 1:31:03 PM
Of course we all have preferences. What most people do not seem to realize, however, is how much our preferences reveal about us.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Being unrealistic about age of potential dates?
Posted: 3/27/2016 12:23:05 PM
Lots of people are unrealistic about age and aging. I find it laughable when people won't "date themselves." That is, they want to date down 14 years, but will consider only 1-2 years older. So, if *they* were the 14-years-younger person, they wouldn't date themselves!

My question is, would you even want to date someone who is so out of touch with reality?
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 136 (view)
 
Something more than HI, you're cute
Posted: 3/13/2016 11:29:49 AM
I was just laughing b/c I realized, if I got "Hi, you're cute," I might reply b/c I usually get "Hi your cute." The gentlemen who send the latter are probably fine human beings, and I usually check out the profile if the picture gets no worse than a neutral reaction from me (no point in pursuing anything with someone I'm definitely NOT attracted to). Besides, I make typing mistakes and no one is perfect. But the truth is, "you're" stands out . . .
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 99 (view)
 
Forums are grabbing my attention more than the profiles, OH NO!! lol
Posted: 3/13/2016 11:20:01 AM
I've made some lovely friendships through various online forums--the kind where you enjoy the online interactions so much, you make the effort to meet in person. The forums give you a fuller picture of people, although it takes time to see the true individual emerge, b/c it is oh so easy to maintain a front for any number of months! I know, b/c I realize I did it (not intentionally). I'm such a people pleaser IRL and I have both fallen into that online and adamantly rejected that role. Now I just say what I think in a manner that suits me, and I move on. A lot less reading to see what--if anything-someone replies to my reply.

Enjoy your time online, and remember that it is only a part of life b/c it can really suck up a lot of time!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Do you hide your political affiliation on dates?
Posted: 3/13/2016 10:14:17 AM
I would have a lot of trouble respecting anyone who was a poor critical thinker *and* acted like they knew everything. A dangerous combination in my experience.

I can imagine myself having a lot of affection and respect for someone who might be a relatively poor critical thinker, but who was always kind and tried hard to treat people as individuals. A kind and generous nature prevents one's other flaws from becoming destructive. That's why I try to cultivate kindness and generosity in myself!

Of course, while conversation about politics would likely come up early with me, b/c I'm passionate about history and politics (not obsessed, though), I have learned to watch what people do and count on that more than what they say if there is a "disconnect" between the two. That has led me to liking people whom I might not otherwise have liked-they behave well to others, although they may voice opinions I don't share. It has also allowed me to winnow the field of those who say one thing (what they think is the right thing), and do another.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 311 (view)
 
Men 40+ and Childless
Posted: 12/5/2015 5:13:18 PM
Someone is confusing the drive to have sex with the drive to have kids--and the latter is *not* "hard-wired." I doubt most people look at an attractive person of the opposite sex and get wild thoughts of "I want to have kids with that person!"

I don't think it means anything weird is going on psychologically just b/c someone does *not* want kids--they usually still want sex and companionship, although not necessarily with the same partner ;9
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Girl rips me apart in text saying she's done w/ me. Should I respond or give up?
Posted: 12/5/2015 4:53:41 PM
She didn't communicate what she wanted and now she's blaming you. *Maybe* it's the stress of Grandma passing--but still, not a good sign.

Learn from this: communicate what you want and ask if you are not certain what the other person wants. Sounds like you were not very aggressive--which is fine for some women, not for others. If you didn't initiate contact after a few dates, is it because you feared rejection? That's not a good reason-but if you like to go slowly, then say so, because it opens the door to a conversation.

This lass wasn't communicating well, so if she contacts you out of the blue--have a conversation about communication before you decide whether or not to see her again. (Don't contact her; she sounds "done" but the whole Grandma issue would make me give someone a 2nd hearing IF I was really interested the first time around). I'd be telling her that I'm really sorry about her loss, and could she please explain why she didn't just tell you what she wanted instead of giving hints? Her answer to that will tell you a lot more than anything. She seems to have held on to a lot of frustration and then dumped it on you--beware going that direction again!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Is it just me, or is asking for more pics right off a turn off?
Posted: 8/13/2015 6:41:55 PM
Bucsgirl, I think you look like Emily Blount as a somewhat more . . . mature, shall we say, woman, in the head shot.

As far as I am concerned, if someone asks for pics in a bathing suit or shorts, then they really do not value all the other things I bring to the table. Yes, there needs to be attraction--but for goodness sake, a few pics (unless a total lie--20 years old and/or 50 lbs weight difference) are enough to determine that there might be some attraction. If what you see isn't enough to risk a meet (oh, my GOD!! 30 minutes and a couple of bucks wasted--my life is over!!), then we aren't on the same page--you've turned ME off by making yourself appear too shallow.

So yes, it is a HUGE turnoff. I too will date a lot of men whose pics might not set the heart aflutter--but seeing the whole person may solicit a very positive response. Pics, to me, are about "oh, absolutely NOT." And I have a few quirks--things that turn me off (about the way a person looks), but usually nothing really predictable and almost always more than one visible feature. But I will click on a lot of pics of men who aren't particularly attractive, but I know that a smile, good sense of humor, some real thoughtfulness, etc., could make a difference. Usually, though, it's the profile that leads me to click "next."

But hey, I should say, "I used to click. . ." Not actively looking.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 5:19:50 PM
How could you say her behavior was "out of character" when you hadn't had time yet to learn her character?

She crumples under stress. Not a good sign for any reason.

People fall in love with personality--they *should* marry character. That means waiting to see how a person responds to stress, temptation, illness, etc.

You have gained experience, so let this go and move on.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Cheating boyfriend caught?!
Posted: 7/25/2015 8:16:48 AM
You wrote, ". . . but there are so many red flags."

So, if this weirdness is on top of other crap, why are you still hanging around? Honesty needs no explanation; liars have all sorts of good stories/excuses that "make sense." But if he was always telling the truth, he wouldn't have to "explain" things.

Move on.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Men happier married vs Women happier single - according to research
Posted: 7/25/2015 7:55:30 AM
Research has shown the OP's findings for a long time. I remember these studies when I was in college, 30+ years ago.

The reality was--and probably still is, b/c I haven't seen research yet to demonstrate otherwise--that women did a lot more work in marriage, while men did *less* than when they were single. (No, I'm not criticizing men--women are part of the equation!!). Working women had "the 2nd shift," and took on primary responsibility for daily household/family tasks. Women carried/carry more responsibility for children, too. This can all be summarized as "the second shift."

I see younger couples that have a better balance, but also those who don't.

*If* a man becomes part of her workload (again, for a mom working outside the home, too), and *doesn't* share the work or provide some balancing "benefits" to her, then a woman is going to start to feel resentful (the opposite happens, too, when men take on too much, but it's less common although it happens fairly often to 'nice guys').

So it makes sense that women are happier unmarried--kind of that, "one less child to clean up after." When a woman starts to see her husband in this way, things are definitely already halfway gone. Most couples don't realize that until it's too late, of course.

If "marriage" = more work and less benefits, of course a person would be less happy. Working women, in particular, have found this to be true more often than men do.

Our younger generations will find ways to make things work for them--and there is no telling how that might look. There are as many ways to organize society as there are people, so I'm sure folks will find what works for them.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Why would I care that his last relationshp treated him coldly?
Posted: 7/24/2015 8:32:42 AM
I'm not sure that age is an acceptable excuse for falling too fast. You may be uncomfortable because you really don't know him that well, and it could be a simple as that. Give it time and see if your discomfort wanes. Best of luck!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 7/21/2015 10:09:37 AM
He asked you two questions, and you reciprocated with . . . none.

I get that dynamic all the time--in reverse. I'm asking questions, and the man is not. In fact, they don't even reference my profile or anything, after their initial contact. Same if I initiate contact.

Three strikes and you are out, so I stop responding. These are people who may be interested in me (they continue to respond after I've sent pics), or maybe not. Doesn't matter b/c I've lost interest in them.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Just Take it on the Chin?
Posted: 7/18/2015 11:25:13 AM
I've never been in a relationship like that. I like to think that this is b/c I've never put up with even the first step toward drama--raising a voice, for example, in anger. It's probably just b/c I'm lucky, though.

This is why I think it is SO important to give relationships time to grow--so you see how someone responds under pressure (at work, anywhere) well before the relationship is established enough for you to become their whipping post.

Pay attention, and the people you meet and date will reveal themselves. Walk away when they reveal themselves to be immature, egocentric, dishonest, etc.

I give people a 2nd chance--I warn, if you do that again, we are done. Told my ex that about something when we were dating. He never did it again. But of course, most people will do it again :)

There is a lot of drama in my professional life (I work with teens). I will not live with it at home. I'd much, much rather be single!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Dealbreakers and +'s in a profile
Posted: 7/18/2015 10:16:58 AM
I would hope that at our age, all of us would prefer to be single rather than in a relationship with someone who has untreated mental health problems (addictions of any kind, personality disorders, etc., included)! So yeah, heavy drinking, gambling, gluttony, etc., etc. should be, by definition, "deal-breakers" for all of us.

My only deal-breaker that might not be covered by the above is smoking, although it too is an addiction, but most people don't think of it in the same category as drug- and alcohol-abuse. I am too susceptible to being pulled back in and would never risk my smoke-free lifestyle for another person. Maybe in a few more years it will be "safer" for me, but I doubt it--I quit a long time ago and just cannot be around it now, so I'm not sure that will ever change.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Predjudice -'mature' person
Posted: 7/18/2015 9:58:22 AM
I love my job--it's not even like work. I'm now a high school special ed teacher--after a long career teaching another subject at college/h.s. levels.

I plan to teach as long as I can--it's got all the rewards of volunteer work but you get paid, and the "downside" of teaching is so minimal (in my opinion and experience).

Except for one thing, of course. Living in WI, it has been very, very difficult lately--I'm honestly a lot more worried about my students than I am about me. It's no secret that Walker and his Koch masters want a society in which money rules all--that hard work *won't* matter (doesn't matter) unless it makes $$$$ for others. The "savings" in property tax "relief" are a joke compared to the actual social damage we are doing. I just hope enough people realize how insane this trajectory is. The brain-drain from WI was bad enough (lots of people leave for better climates), but the pace has accelerated like climate change over the past couple of years, with even great professors (big money makers--in science, for example) leaving b/c they can't risk keeping their kids in public schools and will not endorse the public/private dichotomy being thrust upon them. I just hope that I can finish out my career before the changes make my life too miserable.

I have experienced age discrimination (and sex discrimination) and it's never fun. It's out there--there is no doubt. But fortunately, it hasn't kept me from doing what I want to do. I'm extraordinarily persistent, however, and while that trait has its downside, it has served me well in this regard.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Dealbreakers and +'s in a profile
Posted: 7/18/2015 9:45:09 AM

While I do not exclude any occupation, I will admit to a prejudice against elementary school teachers. Not that I absolutely wouldn’t date her, or at least try talking to her (especially if she’s cute), but that definitely lowers her score (for me). Most tend to be conservative hard core Christian, the exact opposite of what I’m looking for.


Really? I never would have known that--I don't have many friends who teach elementary school, but a few who do fit that description. But they're just friends; I'm not dating them!!

I've taught at both the h.s. and college level. My closest friends (male and female) are nearly all h.s. teachers and/or nurses--even my friends from high school, before we chose professions. High school teachers can be a *very* fun crowd--but there are narcissists who love the captive audience--they can be fun people but not true friends. Gotta watch out for those folks!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 116 (view)
 
Has anyone decided to opt out of dating all together [over 40]
Posted: 7/18/2015 8:10:33 AM

Posted By: IgorFrankensteen on 7/4/2015 925 PM
Subject: Has anyone decided to opt out of dating all together [over 40]
Message: There's water in Arizona?!!?? Who knew?

Not attracted to women your own age. Not at all. Hmm. My own understanding of that is, that you aren't actually, and never were actually, attracted to WOMEN. And no, I'm not remotely suggesting that you are secretly gay.

You were only attracted to the IDEA of sexy women, and all the ones you had fun with and moved on from, were temporary players in the fantasy you were living in. They were never people to you. That's your problem.

If you actually liked WOMEN, you'd find them attractive at any age.


Thanks, Igor; so well said. Most people never, ever "get" this.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Local phenomena or site-wide?
Posted: 7/18/2015 7:44:38 AM
I'm always glad when I find out what someone is REALLY like. You are getting that glimpse before you've wasted a moment more than reading a profile--the sad silver lining in what is otherwise a sad reality.

Consider moving to places where people are more open--look at profiles in other places and see what the profiles say to get a peek.

Good luck.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 34 (view)
 
people who come and go in our lives
Posted: 7/16/2015 2:15:50 PM
I'd be perfectly comfortable re-connecting with most most of my ex-boyfriends, because we were just not compatible enough for long-term but had fun together and at least a few things in common. One or two were too weird, but overall, most were decent guys.

I connect with my ex-husband about our kids, and I imagine I always will. I am interested in his well-being b/c of the kids.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Coming up to bat and being out of the league.
Posted: 7/16/2015 2:08:09 PM
People confuse incompatibility with "leagues." People who believe there are leagues are those who also believe in some people being "better" than others. Just a couple of posts ago, a man said a woman who was wealthier, "more attractive," etc., would skip by his profile. He assumes this is because she sees herself as "out of his league." I think she might skip it, just b/c she realizes they aren't likely to be compatible; a woman who is fit and enjoys travel knows that a man who is neither of those things does not prioritize them--therefore, their interests and lifestyles wouldn't likely be a match. If she met him without knowing anything about him, found him attractive (and many, many people in the real world do not find excess weight "unattractive" when they actually meet someone), and enjoyed his personality and his character, she might well fall in love with him. BUT--we can't meet everyone, so we look at our priorities and look for similar types.

My priorities are sense of humor, intelligence, and open-mindedness. I'll meet anyone who demonstrates at least one of those and *doesn't* turn me off by saying something I find unattractive. Those folks are pretty rare, and so far, I've not found any connection or attraction with them--but for people who believe in leagues, they would find I mess up their system in both directions--I date "up" and "down," in their terms. But really, I just date individuals. Could not care less about most of the "criteria" that is supposed to increase a man's "market value," and find lots of men don't care about the alleged "female criteria" when it comes to meeting me, either.

Leagues are about assuming some people are better than others. Lots of us don't live in that world and are perfectly happy avoiding those who do.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Should you move..... A fairy tale....
Posted: 7/2/2015 5:08:38 PM
If you are staying b/c you think you live in a place more likely to yield the right guy, then let go--and follow the plan that seems to be best for you in all other ways. You will be happier, and more relaxed. While location affects who is available, it's no guarantee of *anything,* as you well know. Better to be financially and emotionally happy as a single person rather than living with some stress and disappointed hopes.

You never know what you may find on your next adventure--it might not be love, but it is likely to be good. And you can always, always, always change your mind and move back to a place with a larger population--or use your improved financial picture to travel more, or whatever.

Good luck!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Will you date/marry someone that you don't feel the attraction?
Posted: 6/15/2015 4:43:43 PM
Marrying someone without attraction is about the stupidest idea ever (in modern day U.S., that is).

You will be tempted all the time b/c sex will not be very satisfying.

She will be tempted all the time b/c sex will not be very satisfying.


Now, dating someone to see if attraction develops? Worth a shot. 3 dates or so should be enough to figure it out. A great sense of humor can lead to attraction where you least expect it (for some).

But to push ahead without it, b/c your mom wants grandkids? Yeah, just plain stupid.

Sorry to be blunt--but really, did you even need to ask? What did you think people would say? I'm actually curious about that.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 14 (view)
 
She only wants to communicate through Snapchat
Posted: 6/13/2015 7:31:14 AM
Snapchat is for when you don't want to leave a trace. My guess is that the lady was married and bored/unhappy at home, but chickened out when push came to shove (so to speak). Or maybe felt the OP was interested in something she wasn't interested in, as a married woman (like, she sensed he wanted a gf/commitment, not just cheap thrills).
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Not Enthusiastic About Meeting
Posted: 6/8/2015 6:10:16 PM
I've done the asking (as a woman) and I've gone out with people I'm not all that enthusiastic about. Why? B/c pictures are hopelessly limited for me--I find a lot of things IRL that are attractive and cannot be gotten from a picture--voice, scent, way of moving, etc. Secondly, I like people, generally, and spending a short amount of time with someone new, getting out and about and doing something like this in the course of my day, are no big deal. I just move along when there is no interest; nothing lost, a new acquaintance gained.

Dating is supposed to be enjoyable, and if I expected "attraction!!!" every time, or waited to find it based on a picture for it before I agreed to meet----well, I'd be darn well disappointed.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 8 (view)
 
hi just going to put this out there
Posted: 6/7/2015 10:55:22 AM
A happy life is possible. EVERYONE has challenges--knowing yours already gives you a bit of an advantage. Many, many people have significant mental health issues they either cannot or will not deal with. Their lives are disastrous.

For you, make a commitment to finding good care AND sticking with your medication. When people you know well are telling you that you need to see your doc about medication adjustment, just go--which will be very, very hard if paranoia has slipped in and you are sliding into the belief that your friends and doctors are lying to you. So promise yourself that at the very first suggestion, the very first doubt *you* have that you can "trust" your family or doctor, you will go. Maybe make a video while stable where you tell yourself it's ok and the paranoia is the symptom, not the reality.

Accepting help and committing to your medication are essential. You cannot do this alone and you will be every so tempted, time and time again, to go off meds. Try to find ways to avoid that temptation.

Good luck.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Sweet or Creep?
Posted: 5/20/2015 4:49:43 PM
High school, except you are 31, so it is creepy.

"She is relationship material. She is sweet and kind. . . " (You wrote something like that.) You are jumping to a lot of conclusions based on 1 week of knowing her. EVERYONE is on their best behavior for the first few weeks, months, of getting to know someone. You know nothing about how she might be under pressure, under stress. How a person behaves in good times and in bad times (bad times that last weeks, even months, perhaps) is an indication of whether or not they are "sweet" or "kind."

Why rush to conclusions and to commitment so fast? Sure it scared her--and that ought to be a wake up call for you, about yourself. You are making judgments based on very superficial criteria. Give yourself a chance to get to know someone--really get to know them, their integrity--before you draw any conclusions about their suitability for long-term. In the meantime, enjoy and have fun. Get that infatuation high. But don't let it drive your behavior or your judgment. Time is your friend.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Being available: Bad or Good?
Posted: 5/20/2015 2:47:40 PM
How long have you been in this relationship?

I wouldn't mind a daily text from someone I'm seeing--before we are "serious," say. But if I'm getting bombarded and he's so smitten when he still barely knows me, I think that he's more interested in how he feels and how excited he is to be in a relationship, than interested in me as a person. In other words, he's showing me he's desperate, doesn't have a lot else going on that is *really* important to him, and sees me as a solution to all his problems (more or less).

Even after we become mutually committed and have had enough time to study each other's character (honestly, integrity, the basis on which one really should fall in love *after* being infatuated with looks/attraction/personality), I still don't want to be the center of someone's universe. I want him to be responsible for his own happiness, and often someone who texts too much is looking to another to "complete" him.

Playing games IS wrong. But why do you feel so engrossed by someone you may barely know (if this behavior is starting so early in the relationship)?
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 25 (view)
 
What do most men expect when they chat with a person, online, from the get go?
Posted: 5/17/2015 9:37:14 AM
People who have been unsuccessful in finding a life-time partner are often desperate--and they were always desperate, which is why they have been unsuccessful. These are folks who have no clue that *they* are the problem. They think all others are as willing (and desperate) for a relationship, so that all you have to do is mutually agree to be together--and voila, it works! Then as each gets to know the other, they find out they can't get along (or worse), and it all falls apart as quickly as it began. Back to lonely and desperate.

Such people--male or female--put "being in a relationship" as the real prize, not "finding the right person." "Finding the right person" does, in fact, mean kissing a lot of frogs. . . or frogettes, I guess, for the guys out there who are choosy. It means being willing to remain alone until that person comes along.

The desperate do not wait for the right person (though they think they are). Their desperate need not to be alone drives them and they don't even realize that is why they "fall in love" so quickly, and why they constantly end up alone again and having likely been through a pretty awful time b/c they "fell in love" with someone they didn't know at all--and learned quickly that person wasn't the fantastic person imagined.

SO, when someone shows evidence of rushing--you have your clue. Don't over look it or think it doesn't always matter. It does. These folks are not yet happy and whole; they do not feel confident about their life, and they are looking for someone to "complete" them. Move on and don't look back!

Good luck!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Letting go of someone you had a date with
Posted: 5/2/2015 8:08:06 AM
You said she was your "type" and she was "the whole package." And there in is your problem.

You knew nothing about her but decided she was "right for you," which means that you based your opinion on completely superficial characteristics like looks and personality. She recognized you as someone without the ability to distinguish the superficial from the meaningful--as someone who does not value character. People who become quickly infatuated do not recognize the significance of character, and character is something it takes a long time to understand.

It's perfectly fine to enjoy someone immensely and want to date based on a superficial attraction--that's what we should be doing. But getting attached without time to really get to know each other is a sign of poor judgment. You revealed this and she saw it for what it was. She probably found that unattractive, and that's why she's no longer interested.

This sounds pretty judgmental on my part, and I don't mean it as a criticism. But it is difficult to explain to those who don't get it. As a women (so I can only speak from my own experience), I have always been turned off by people who reveal a willingness to "couple" (not necessarily sexual, but leading to it) based on nothing more than my looks and personality. It's not flattering--it's the opposite. Anyone able to attach so easily does not have much in the way of standards (again, in my opinion). In other words, this devalues the "real" me--and means that the real me will be unimportant and ignored in a relationship. I am quite certain that many, if not most, people go about coupling in this way--which is why men and women both ignore bad behaviors in a partner that they should not ignore, and eventually find themselves disgusted by that partner and breaking up. But I don't--and it sounds like she does not, either. So, you were basically mismatched.

You can try to change, or you can just accept the fact that you need to find someone willing to couple on the basis of the same criteria you use--and then keep searching for that elusive match of mutual attraction based on looks and personality. Heck, it's hard enough to find that, and I am not criticizing anyone who chooses to give it a go on that basis; there are times when I have done that, while recognizing it wasn't anything more.

I'm quite sure a lot of folks won't agree with me but the thing is, this isn't a post about how someone "should" do things; it is a post about how some people actually go about this dating/relationship thing. You don't have to agree--just avoid people like me if you don't like it or get it, and we will all be fine!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 71 (view)
 
would you date a 28 year old guy who never had a gf
Posted: 5/2/2015 7:15:28 AM
Like too many young people, you are focused on the idea of a relationship without having any respect for, or interest in, the individual who would be a good match for you.

Think of it this way: When you meet someone you really like--strong character, good mind, attractive to you in looks and personality--then you would be interested. You are, instead, looking at girls b/c you want sex and companionship--and you do not particularly care who "she" is b/c having someone fill that role is what is important to you.

Men who are successful with women are either players who have a natural ability to create the sense, in a woman, that *she* is really special (and can do this effortlessly), or they are men who actually enjoy women as people--they focus on individuals as individuals for the fun and stimulation that comes from human interaction (with no ulterior purpose in mind) rather than zeroing in on someone bc "she might be the one." These men are attractive to women in general, and will be drawn toward specific ones b/c of compatibility.

So, learn to like people, and learn to enjoy and talk to women as people. Make it your goal to talk to people of all ages, both sexes, any race, etc. Being a friendly person--without a secret agenda (as too many "nice guys" have)--isn't easy, but it will help a lot, and the chances are that you will be much happier whether or not you find someone special.

And age has nothing to do with it. There are a lot of people-men and women-who are single for a very long time. Accepting that and not feeling bad about it will be your first job. You cannot be friendly and confident if you are quietly harboring a sense of doom or inadequacy. You are not inadequate--you are like many, many others. And realize that the fact you haven't made any stupid, desperate mistakes (connecting with someone you don't even really like, putting up with their sh*t, just for the sake of a relationship) is actually to your advantage.

Good luck.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Frustrated by Experience on POF and ready to throw in the Towel
Posted: 5/1/2015 7:57:40 PM

I'm so ugly the government declared an outbreak of bird-flu, just to get me to wear a mask.


Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner! Thanks, Oluben, for the laugh!

IG: Maybe you are "ugly." Don't know, can't tell with the fist-in-the-face pic. But you seem to be attractive, or, at the very least, maybe "sexy-ugly," like Liam Neeson. (sp?). So yeah, you probably shouldn't be playing the ugly game--and if you have an accent, sorry, you will receive 20 lashes with a wet noodle for attempting to mislead the innocent public.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 281 (view)
 
Red flags
Posted: 5/1/2015 7:32:13 PM
A "red flag," for me, is something that indicates crazy, immoral/unethical, or really bad judgment--things that could affect not my happiness, but that might also affect my job, finances, health, or, god forbid, my kids.

The only "red flag" I see on here regularly (well, that I did see when reading profiles regularly), are "negative" profiles (most of which reveal a dislike or distrust of women). Most red flags would not likely show up until a conversation (email, phone, in person) and some don't show up until you've spent some time together--a few dates, perhaps. IRL, when I was young and dating, they were things like: trying to rush me into a relationship/commitment; getting drunk on every date; "bragging" to me about how he stole from his employer (yes, that actually happened!), things like that. Lots of stuff comes out in person--even very early--if you are paying attention!

I see a lot of things in profiles that suggest we might be incompatible. Most of the time, when interested in dating, I was willing to chat with almost anyone, and to meet too, even if the profile suggested an incompatibility. I wouldn't t really know if the "incompatibility" was a serious thing, or was something that might just give me the "alone time" I love.

But even with a pretty open approach, I never met anyone I wanted to meet a 2nd time. Nice enough, but nothing more. Oh, well. Thank goodness I think *I* am fabulous company :)
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Women who look like men - it's getting old
Posted: 5/1/2015 5:55:45 PM
Dang, too bad the OP left so fast. I could show him some non-ripped abs that he might just love! In fact, perhaps I will dedicate my life to *not* being ripped, in hopes that he will come and rescue me from my pathetic man-less life. I NEED a man, I don't WANT a man! :)
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 95 (view)
 
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 4:01:36 PM
OP, perhaps you do not routinely read the profiles of other men. I see this statement--or some version of it--quite regularly in men's profiles.

I have met some men who are very uncomfortable with a woman who is independent. These men want (need?) their women to be needy--and so we aren't a good match. In other words, it's a statement to help men filter me out of their search. Anyone who takes it as a "chip on the shoulder" will also be filtered out--and again, that is good. I only want people who "get it," because that means we are more likely to be a good match.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 62 (view)
 
stuff we really should have learned in school
Posted: 4/18/2015 2:21:53 PM

Posted By: purplerider1200 on 4/18/2015 744 AM
Subject: stuff we really should have learned in school
Message: Time to find out what a little bunnies wee-wee looks like!


It is a lot harder than one would think!! I'm taking the babies to a vet in another week just to figure out who is what!

And--because I know folks on here just love such things--I'll post a couple of pics of the new crew in my profile. They are incredibly cute.

Getting back to the topic--yes, I consider some of my own questions stupid b/c clearly I wasn't taking the time to think. And--as I tell my students--it's a "stupid question" if you ask the one I just answered, which you missed because you were talking to a friend or on your phone.

Please don't get me started on the a**holes using their money to control Washington and destroy education. There is no ideology behind this--it is pure and simple evil. They know that ignorant people will never be able to figure out what is going on, so they attack educators and do all they can to destroy public eduction. A bad system will be better for them--and while what we have is far from perfect, it will be much, much worse if these people get their way.

I live and teach in Madison, WI. You can imagine how much else I have to say on the topic--but I won't!!
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 204 (view)
 
what is more important to the older woman in a boyfriend?
Posted: 4/18/2015 1:40:15 PM
OP, in what way(s) are these women--with whom you cannot maintain a relationship--"difficult?" And what do you think they would say about you?

Please don't explain--just give examples. That may help me understand more about why you seem to think this has something to do with money.

Edit: ok, I see the problem. You think that there are certain things men and women are just "inherently" better at. You choose to ignore the fact that equality has only meant "women can-and should- do what was traditionally called 'men's work'," but not, "men can--and should--do what was traditionally 'women's work'," which is why some women feel unhappy--they do twice as much now while many men do nothing more.

These women get a lot happier when they leave the man who won't adapt to a world in which women are their equals, so they--the guy--should be cleaning toilets and scrubbing potatoes, too, at the same rate she is.

Some men want that world of legalized prostitution--often known as "marriage," in which they get sex and housework, child-bearing and child-rearing services, all for the low price of a pay check. Then they gripe when their partner -- who now also works full time--"makes demands."

Women are not "inherently" better than men at nurturing--we've just been more socialized to do it. Watch those men in the younger generation who really ARE "getting it," who do more than an hour or two of child care on the weekend; who share home life and responsibilities 50/50 and have happy wives who work full time and come home to a truly equal partner, who is coming home from his job, to a truly equal partner.

Sexism has landed you exactly where it should: alone.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 51 (view)
 
stuff we really should have learned in school
Posted: 4/18/2015 5:08:10 AM
I suspect she just wasn't thinking. I myself admit to asking some pretty stupid questions b/c I'm simply not taking time to think through something.

I'm currently the proud grandparent of four baby bunnies (bought two allegedly female bunnies several months ago. . . haha, the joke is on me b/c I had the same thing happen years back when I bought two allegedly male guinea pigs. . .) I can see myself thinking about the bunnies nursing and asking the same question about birds, or maybe turtles. I would realize my mistake, agree it was "idiotic," laugh at myself, and move on.

I wish I could think of some of the silly questions I've asked--I know they are nearly always bc my mind is really focused on something else, and words come out (even typing) before I pause to realize what I've failed to connect.

I agree that attacking someone b/c they make such a mistake is more a reflection on the attacker than the attackee. Now, if someone tries to defend their apparent lack of understanding, knowledge, or logic, that is a different matter. Game on.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 120 (view)
 
The forum that got away from us
Posted: 4/17/2015 4:03:08 PM
Belle, I am praying. Wish I could do more.
 
Show ALL Forums