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 Author Thread: Catch 22
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Catch 22
Posted: 12/30/2008 3:48:03 PM
I think it is time for you to go to an old fashion match maker.
They do work. You lay out who you are, what you want and what you are looking for and pay them $. And they provide the introductions to women who fit most closely what you are looking for.

The 2nd choice is to go to therapist and be up front that you may be puting unconcious road blocks in you way to getting into the type of relationship you want. NLP therapist specializes in short term directed focus work. 4-5 sessions may be all you need to undo the sabotage.

Good Luck You are a very attractive man.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Helping a Hoarder
Posted: 12/30/2008 3:34:22 PM
Flylady.com.
I have passed this on to a number of clutter prone people. They have run the gamut from the one room full to the house with several out building stuffed to the gunnels.
Flylady. com has helped them all. It is not over night and not easy but it makes the change in attitudes and space manageable.

To some people it may seem corny but it is the only system that works for just about everyone.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 283 (view)
 
Do I ever miss physical touch!
Posted: 12/30/2008 2:59:42 PM
Sincere and trusting intimacy is what it is all about isen't it.....
I was married for over 20 years and that was lacking in the relationship. Was in a decade long relationship and it was at most hesitant. When I struck out on to the ocean of POF I tried to figure out what I was really looking for and that intimacy of touch was at the top of my list.

Living with out it changes one..... finding it changes one as well , painful longing, painful vulnerablity. The later atleast can be balances with the rewards.

This is a very rich topic.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 62 (view)
 
It's been one week of seeying each other and now the first sleepover....
Posted: 10/22/2008 3:13:09 PM
Work a jig saw puzzle together..... I know it sounds corny but it is a lot of fun. You figure out how each others "works" something. By colors, from the edge inward. By object. And it give you time to talk too. Ask what subjects he likes, boats, landscapes, animals etc and get an 800-1000 piece puzzle on the topic.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Dead Fish F*ck
Posted: 10/22/2008 2:59:51 PM
Print these points out, hand it to her, then ask her what she thinks.......
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Christmas Wedding Conflicts
Posted: 10/22/2008 2:18:34 PM
Go with B. Don't bring the gf. That will not work trust me.... been at one wedding where that happen and it was horrible. No one left being friends.

And watch who whines. That will tell you a lot about the future with that person.
You are in a difficulty situation and you have come up with a plan that is a reasonable and respectful compromise. Both your friend and gf should accept it if they are also reasonable and respectful. It they whine about your choice think of it as a red flag for the future.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
A Question for the girls!
Posted: 10/22/2008 2:09:58 PM
Ok listen up.
Having sex with someone bonds you to them. That is not true for everone but it happens to both women and men. It sounds like you are one of the men. Sound like she is not one of the women who fall into that catagory. Period.

You have bonded to her and she has not bonded to you. It probably will not change. You have come to terms with that state. And move on. You are a person she has sex with. When she is not in any other relationship. For her it is just sex. For you it has emotional significance.

If you want a continuing relationship you need to sit down with her and tell her where you stand. She will probably say the same thing to you that she has been saying all along. Prehaps you will hear it this time.

It is very important to view sex in the same way that you partner views sex or you are in for a world, a universe of hurt and confusion.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Never ending chats
Posted: 10/22/2008 1:56:38 PM
I like to meet within the first 2 weeks. If he puts off the meet again and again. I stop emailing. Why... I don't want to chat. I want to meet someone.
How about puting that in your profile.
I think folks get "meet" and "date" confused. A meet is exactly that. Two people meeting in some public place. I have met at a library, a park, at a Mall food court etc.
And we sit and talk for awhile. The time we talk face to face is very important. Trumps emails and even phone calls. Then we may well move to a date later in that same day. Maybe not.

The bottom line is telling the other person that you want to meet them, soon. Either they well say yes or they will start coming up with reasons not to...... then it is up to you to use your common sense.
People are on this site for a wide variety of reason.... sometimes they are not clear as to what those reasons are.

Good Luck
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Please help me understand her
Posted: 10/20/2008 4:05:58 PM
You have got to get some perspective. You were super close for 6 years. 6 years at a time in a persons life where connections are made very very deeply. BUT, often those connects are not meant to last in the same way for the rest of your life.. ..... all the back and forth are because you are now "family" to each other and that won't change. But you are no longer BF & GF and the sooner you both realize that the easier it will be for both of you to move on to others to fill that space in your life.. Think about it then talk to her about what your relationship is really then you can support each other in moving along.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Kids Approval
Posted: 10/20/2008 12:44:11 PM
Well I have been on the receiving end of this phenom.... He and I were getting on well, the relationship seemed to be going somewhere when he up and said it was getting too stressful for his 19yr old. Now we are "friends". Realised I was not going to put my life on hold waiting for a possible relationship so I have let things lie. I find myself wondering if he his feeling guilty over the divorce.... Regardless whatever could have been won't be now.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
rough in bedroom equals...?
Posted: 10/20/2008 11:27:15 AM
Two things:
1- Time to have an in depth talk to him about the two equal parts of your life
2- And the one I think is most important...NEVER NEVER NEVER let a moment of disrespect pass un called. If he does something desrespect full Tell Him So right then.

If you don't let yourself be treated in a shabby way outside of the bedroom play then your partner won't treat you that way. If you let the time happen..... they will continue to happen.

Sexplay is specific to place and time and atmosphere. Your day to day life has separate rules THAT YOU MUST ENFORCE. You not him.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
How do I state my marital status in my profile?
Posted: 10/14/2008 11:28:28 AM
I have been separated for a year, we live 200 miles a part and the plan is to be divorced within the next year.

That would cover everything and also clearly point out that you are really living at a distance from one another
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Scarification. When does this need to be brought up?
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:32:38 AM
You are not the only person who has gone through a period of body modificaton. Think of it in those terms and wait until the topic comes up. You said it was well done focus on that. Righ not 2 out of 5 people in the 20 to 35 age group has some sort of body modification.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Passing into the dreaded friends category
Posted: 10/13/2008 10:06:56 AM
Ask her out for dinner . Then if it goes well ask during dinner what movies she was looking forward to seeing and if she names one book a movie date...

Go for it.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
peeping Tom
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:12:36 PM
That was a funny list of Woman-Speak. Now for Men-Speak just change all the replys to Yeah or What?
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Was I being arrogant??
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:06:20 PM
No, I don't think you were being arrogant. I think you had your head on right and had taken the first step in taking care of yourself.
Now, as far as the women. This won't be true of all of them BUT many are looking for a project. They see the men at the shelter as possible projects. The ground between them will never be even. That is to say they can be the "giver" and feel good and that is a rush for them. The really sad part is often these project relationship fall apart when the man does get himself together. And the women moves on to another "project".
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Help me figure this one out (Eastern European)
Posted: 10/10/2008 1:52:31 PM
You are not done with here. Don't lie to yourself and say you are.
She is working her way through school right now. That is important to her. Respect that. But call her go out with her. If having her in your life fills something that was never filled before, take the risk, put in the time. The pay off in the long run could be huge.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Reading a guy's forum posts
Posted: 10/10/2008 1:47:41 PM
I read his forum posts.
The big flag is when he says one thing in his profile and his posts he acts totally differently. If I am very curious I will email and ask how one fits into the other.
Who we say we are and what we say should go hand in hand. If they don't it points to someone not knowing the self very well.....
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Friend, lover, or therapist?
Posted: 10/10/2008 1:20:20 PM
I think Stray Cat said it best...... finding yourself the "lesser option". There are a number of reasons for that, guy has be hurt.... with a capitol H; not over his ex; not ready to be in a new relationship etc. Regardless of what they might be YOU become the lesser option. He is holding on and still involved with something or someone else.
If you want to make him a project and try to break him out of that endless loop you can be his "therapist". That rarely works out. Or you can wait. Wait some more. And keep waiting. Or you can move on. Label it as a qualified relationship. Be nice when he calls. And when he asks if you are seeing anyone say no.... but that is why you signed up for POF to find someone.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
when do you have the exclusive talk?
Posted: 10/10/2008 1:10:58 PM
I think the exclusive talk should happen after you BOTH realize you are seriouly serious about each other. 6 weeks.... I think you are dating....and there is nothing wrong with that....
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Is the fairytale impossible after 30?
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:43:44 PM
After 30 you are more likely to know yourself. And hopefully like your self. And with that as a foundation be yourself around other people. When you are authentic, honest and real you have a much better chance at drawing a match to you that really is a match. So yes, I think the fairytale is real but you first have to be your own fairy Godmother or Godfather to yourself.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Seating at dinner
Posted: 10/9/2008 1:13:16 PM
Thanks for all you comments.
I am use to sitting across myself but with this one man we seem to always sit next to each other. Or more specifically he always positions himself next to me. And it got me to thinking how I position myself with friends vs how my ex and I use to sit etc.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Is there a time to just give up?
Posted: 10/9/2008 10:00:46 AM
Don't give up. Sign up for a year's worth of tango lessions.
Advice sounds strange but here is the reasoning behind it. Often shy romantic ass*** need a place to physically shine. A place where they can take control and allow their male self to really strut without the ass*** showing too much.

Tango needd a strong male lead. It is a dance that is designed to show case a womans body and womans movements etc but none of that can happen without a strong male lead.

Women go to Milonga, dances are looking for males to sweep them around the floor. If you can do that.... then you have a great opening for future conversations. And they only thing you have to say is "may I have this dance".
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Seatting at dinner
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:28:52 AM
Here is my question for you guys. When you go to lunch or dinner with a perspective gf does it mean anything where you sit? By that I mean, if you have the option of sitting across from her or next to her is there any meaning to which you choose?
Across from her so you can see her or next to her so you can be near her?
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Hurtful Name Calling.
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:16:30 AM
Yes, of course he is trying to hurt your feelings.
He has done it before, heard your reaction and is repeating his behavior.
Something about the interaction is working for him so he is repeating it.

If it is not working for you get out of the situation. If it is working for you..... recognize it a figure out why.
 DiaDora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Ok ladies give me your advice or opinion
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:23:59 PM
Time to get together for a weekend and have THE CONVERSATION.
Who are we. What are we together. What are each of us afraid of.
Do we want something specific from each other. Do we want to put and end to this relationship, continue as is or redefine.

In other words look at each other and open up.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Life expectancy
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:47:10 AM
Accomplished my top 3 things..... and lived to tell about them.
What do I want now?
A clean organized basement/work area.
Another, longer trip to Italy.
Find a LTR.

I have put them in the order of what I have most control over.....
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What gives?
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:19:08 AM
Wouldn't it be wonderful if they called and told you precisely "why"? And if wishs were horses beggers would ride.
Look, it is important to know for yourself what you are going into a relationship for and what is the right point to have sex at in that relationship. Certainly there are some men and women who are just out for the score. But most arn't. Most are just looking for the person to connect with that make them feel good.
-Were the converations good?
-Was the time together good?
-Was the sex satisfying?
If you can say yes to all of these..... then be content. If you twisted yourself around in any of these 3 areas in hopes of getting something more... a promise, a LTR etc then YOU have done yourself a disservice.

Yes, he may have been a player. You can't do anything about him either way. All you can do is access your part in the drama and make approriate changes to prepare for the future.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
a guy not being able to get off
Posted: 10/6/2008 9:20:18 AM
If he is use to getting himself off ask if you can watch. For some men that is a very big turn on. One that they don't know about until a woman offers. If he says yes find out what he want while he is stroking himself. Does he want you infront watching? Does he want you behind him touching him? All sort of possibilities. Think of it as adding an exciting variation to sex rather then being somesort of a problem.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Did I have the right to be angry?
Posted: 10/3/2008 10:43:41 AM
Some people use POF and other personal boards as a means of letting off emotional steam. Play acting a relationship. Kind of like when we were kids and we day dreamed about relationships. People are doing the same thing here... except they are using other people in some of the roles. Fair... certainly not. Healthy... no way. But it happens. That is why a cultivated BS meter is so important. None of us want to be props in someone elses cyber daydream. Trust your gut level feeling.
DiaDora
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Rebound guy / gal???
Posted: 10/3/2008 10:38:12 AM
I think what you are looking for is a counseler. You pay your $ you sit an gripe about your ex, they help you sort out she did/you did stuff and then you move on.
They are professionals they can handle it. You dump it all on a rebound relationship you might just end up married to a new set of problems or worse... sharing a child.

It takes time and insight to get past everything, good and bad that went on in a marriage. And insight is not often found in bed or over a cup of coffee with a new partner.
Diadora
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
when a man like me has a hard time showing feeling is it bad
Posted: 10/3/2008 10:03:31 AM
Vets from every war have come back with the same "heart of stone" . Compassionate, loving men and women you chose to harden themselves to live up to the duties they took on. What helps? Vet support groups. Talking to each other. About what happened there and what is happening here. Nothing takes the place of a compassionate witness. Find a vet support group in person or on line, listen and talk. In time the stone will start to crumble.
DiaDora
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 57 (view)
 
How Many Men Will Admit to Being Sexually Dysfunctional?
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:26:58 AM
Two points I would like to insert into this thread:
1- A recent Swedish study points out that frequent masturbation by men in their 40's and 50's tends to lessen the possibility of ED when they are in their 60's. This was a cohort study of 2200 men. Seems if men stop self stimulating they lose the ability to achive and maintain an erection. Appears that sex does begin in the mind of the beholder. A person has to be sexually engaged with themselves first before they can be ready for a partner.

2- I lived through two ltr where sex was not center stage. I realized that I needed that level of physical intimacy. Without it something goes domant in me and life is just not as vivid and satisfying. I do not think I could survive another of these 'shadow" relationships. I think this is something I will need to get clear with any possible long term partner.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
When Does Someone Say Enough is Enough and Give Up
Posted: 9/17/2008 3:38:00 PM
Hun, if you feel like a booty call then you are a booty call.
A big part of any relationship is how it makes you feel.
If it makes you feel good about yourself, stronger, attractive then it is worth
putting energy into.
If it makes you feel used, self doubting, unattractive, stupid..... then the relationship is destructive and is not good to be in. No "perks" make up for the toll it takes on how you feel about yourself.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 44 (view)
 
kissing
Posted: 9/12/2008 4:22:50 PM
Oh Lordy...... kissing is vital. Certainly there are styles that don't mesh with one another but when you find one that does....heaven. Yes it does lead to sex....but not always.... It leads to closeness, openess desire. You find out if a person is confident, passionate... focused on you when you kiss. I made the mistake of marrying someone whoese kissing style did not match my own.... slow spiral to helll. Never do that again.

Kissing is what tells me if there is any possiblity of a real honest open relationship. I discoverd in the 70's that if you can't lose yourself in the kiss with a person.... they may make the perfect fbuddy.... someone you will never get deeply attached to......
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Does regularly wearing high heels tell anything about a lady?
Posted: 9/4/2008 11:00:20 AM
I think you have to ask her. And I have.
Some women put up with a lot of pain to be fashionable. Some find wearing them is very comfortable. If you notice the brows knit together and each step is hesitant then I would say she is willing to be in pain. If there is a lack of pain on her face and she is fluid and graceful in her movements voila! you found someone who can wear them.

I think the trick is to figure out where YOU are and be honest with yourself. And say to hell with what someone else says..... except of course your podiatrist....if he/she says you are heading for a foot problem...... best listen. When you can't stand on your own two feet regardless of what shoes you are wearing your life changes in ways you cannot imagine.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 197 (view)
 
Would you do you?
Posted: 9/3/2008 4:03:12 PM
What a truely amazing time I would have! Lol.....
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 47 (view)
 
I need an excuse to get out of it....
Posted: 9/2/2008 1:28:01 PM
This is the opportunity to END the relationship with your ex now and forever.
Just call her back and tell her you were not joking. That you are bailing on the wedding because of the football game. Then hang up.

I really doubt she will every call you and ask you to do anything EVER again.
No woman wants to be second in line to something on TV.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 54 (view)
 
foreplay or sex. Which ones better if you had to choose
Posted: 9/2/2008 12:12:01 PM
Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay..........pause...... foreplay, foreplay....f o r e p l a y......FORE PLAY!..........lol!
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
How do you live on your own when you do not like that person?
Posted: 9/2/2008 11:19:03 AM
Sometimes a few sessions with a therapist are what is needed. A compassionate witness to your process. Someone who professionally invested in helping YOU. Sometimes their perspective is what helps lay to rest illusions we have about ourselves and points us into the direction that is our most fulfilling path.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Need a bit of help with my profile
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:25:00 AM
Thank you for you reviews. This honesty is exactly what I am looking for.
DiaDora
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Need a bit of help with my profile
Posted: 8/28/2008 1:36:55 PM
Have a profile up and been adding to it. Tried to be honest and open and direct about what I am looking for and about my short comings. Have not had an email in a week. Wondering if my tone is off or if what I am including is just too much info. Comments and help would be appreciated. Thanx
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 105 (view)
 
How to convince a mature woman
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:28:54 AM
I think the first hurtle is getting her to go out for coffee with you. If you get to be yourself with her, let her get to hear first hand that you are intelligent, warm and interested she will much more likely go out with you on a full fledged date. The possibiltiy of a relationship begins then.

Now a days with so many articles written about Cougars... older women on the hunt for younger men just for sex.... it often makes us think 2 and 3 times when we are contacted by someone younger. As earlier posters have said we have heard most lines before and we know when we are being flattered and played.... or at least most of the time.

If you are seriously interested in an older woman be persistant, don't zip to the sexual topics in the first email. Meet her for coffee early on and be yourself. Older women have learned to believe in chemistry.... trust me.

The happiest relationships that I know of are between older women and younger men.
Their enjoyment of each other is open and very refreshing.
Remember statistically a 15 year age difference only means a 2 year difference between your death dates. If you are within a year or two of each other age wise it is more than likely that the woman will survive the man anywhere from 10 to 20 years.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
How do men feel about women with silver hair?
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:29:13 AM
Has a lot to do with your skin tone. Grey or Silver hair makes you look tired and greenish if you have too sallow a complexion (yellow undertones). If you have pink or peach it often brightens your complexion.

The bottom line is if you look and feel good. Do it. If you don't dye it.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
 
What is with rearranging furniture?
Posted: 8/22/2008 2:04:43 PM
Nesting instinct....... you should see me setting up a campsite when I go camping...... provides a laugh for everyone around.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Why is being funny so important to women?
Posted: 8/22/2008 1:45:06 PM
Life can be difficult, strange, tragic and confusing.
Integrity certainly can get you through it but you run the risk of of being a dictatorial bore if it is not paired with a sense of humor.
I find that I have a more comfortable and enjoyable relationship with a person who can see the humor in the flaws of life, weave them into their conversations and laugh, then I do with people who are makeing it through life on integrity alone.
DiaDora
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
ok ladies how many like long haired guys?
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:28:42 PM
In general I like long thick hair on a man. I have gotten use to the shorter styles sigh* and I admit on some it looks better. If your hair, whatever lenght makes you smile when you look at yourself in the mirror, wear it that way. One proviso.... make sure it is clean.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 36 (view)
 
After 45-looking for a partner like shopping for treasures at a yard sale
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:58:39 AM
I think of yard sales and thrifts stores as sort of a clearing in a deep forrest where two tribes come and lay out their trade goods. Neither tribes knows what they will find when then get there. Everything is kind of familiar but different. You may have a idea of what your are looking for but suddenly you see something that grabs your attention that you did know you wanted.
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Date dvd/movie/video
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:40:43 AM
Enchanted April......
 diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 295 (view)
 
The myth of doggie style
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:59:36 AM
Well it use to be called Lion. From the male lion mounting the female lion.
Also, from the erotica of the ancient world it appears to be one of THE favorite positions for both males and females... I don't think that has changed much.
 
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