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 Author Thread: Break-Up Line: We Grew Apart.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Break-Up Line: We Grew Apart.
Posted: 12/3/2014 4:58:59 AM
So... in 2012 you posted some 'questions' about this as an OP. If people had experienced that, what did they mean when they said it? If they divorced for that reason what happened ... etc (I'm paraphrasing, btw, but I did go back and read the OP again to get a sense of it).

2 years later you share this:


The "we grew apart" phrase is ass-half backwards-an oxymoron.


Why pose 'questions' if you already knew the answer (at least the answer FOR YOU)? Why ask the question if you were just going to discount any answer given because no one else can have a different experience/idea/opinion?

Oh.. the PoF Forums. So much of this.

I suspect yesterday I hit the point where my love/hate relationship with this place reached the of 'wtf am I spending my time on here for? sharing details I shouldn't with strangers, trying to give my own perspective when no one really wants to hear that? lol, clearly I'M the moron here'.

Hey everyone! As always, it's been (mostly) a pleasure. You all have a wonderful holiday season - filled with good things (whatever those good things might be for you!)
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Would you agree that dating gets harder as you get older?
Posted: 12/2/2014 4:07:26 PM
^^

It could very well be that MY 'picker' is askew. Though not each and every one of my former dates has had this experience. If I alluded to that, I over sold my tale. The last time I heard similar comments was from a male friend/co-worker, not someone I dated. I heard it from him just week before last - I suppose it struck a chord.

I tend to find reasons to give everyone a chance and yep, this started with him mentioning my boobs.

This guy .... he's NOT very savvy, he hasn't dated a lot. I believe that. There IS good in him and I suppose that I'm silly, wanting to give chances.

Gosh I didn't mean to turn this (or my other posts) into a bash of him!!! I pick out a few challenges for illustrative purposes to a given OP topic... but I can say a whole lot of good about him:

My friends like him, my young adult daughter does as well. He has a way of putting people at ease. He has a smile that lights up the room and a great laugh. He's a hard worker. A consistent communicator. He likes to make plans and he has never flaked. His teenage son is autistic and the boy's mom simply BAILED. He has done it all for years, carried the load. I've met men who don't do that and this was a refreshing change. I respect it so much. He stopped the boob comments when I asked. (ha, ok that sounds lame). He said he was glad I told him and I believe he meant it. He's not someone it's hard to speak one's mind with. We've been talking about this situation with his ex and how much he mentions her. I don't mind bumps in the road and I'm willing to work through things. I'm patient - maybe to a fault. I'm imperfect myself so I don't seek perfection.

I don't think OLD dating is terrible or even hard. As I said, I've had plenty of dates. I have had a hard time forming relationships - I'll take lots of responsibility for that. I have plenty to work on. I see someone regular to talk it all out.

Am I a doormat? Dunno. I certainly understand how I'm coming across. I'm not someone who gives up easily. I was married for over 20 years and perhaps should have left earlier.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Would you agree that dating gets harder as you get older?
Posted: 12/2/2014 3:57:36 PM
^^

I get why you would think that, but in this case, it's an incorrect assumption.

Actually this is the man that I have described (in a few other topics) as very 'average' in appearance. Not to insult him, but to just be realistic. And I always said it with the caveat that I thought that was perfectly fine, as I consider myself average too, that personality and character matter more than looks to me. He's a couple years older than me, he's well under 6' (though that is not something I ever care about) and he could stand to lose some weight. I think he's a good man but he's not a head turner.

I have appreciated the fact that he's a real person. I truly admire his dedication to his son and how he's faced some of life's challenges. Bah - I'm not seeking tall/dark/handsome. I wasn't seeking that when I was 25, certainly not now. I don't even find 'tall' attractive and handsome is so subjective, I have a strong sense my tastes are not mainstream going by conversations I have with others.

Why did the younger/attractive woman date him? She sounds like a pain in the *ss, but maybe she wanted 'nice'? She had her own baggage. I think he DID for her a lot, at least as he tells it. Honestly I had no clue for awhile (or was in denial), not till this has kept coming up so much that a pattern emerged that he was still having so many struggles putting their past behind him.

Again - this was NOT meant to bash a man I'm still trying to work things through with. I was giving an example of what some challenges can be with dating between 2 people who have had life experience, who have had bad challenges, who haven't always come out 'ahead'. Baggage can happen. And I was trying to also illustrate that my OWN issues and baggage came out based on him continuing to talk about this. It's not a one sided thing. We both bring some of this to the table.

Life happens, sometimes we deal with it better than others. We are all works in progress and depending on where one is with the work? It can be a challenging thing to form a relationship.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Would you agree that dating gets harder as you get older?
Posted: 12/2/2014 1:25:46 PM

Should you have a next time, would you consider having the man contact you first, & let him offer to buy you the cup of coffee? Not because of the $, because of the underlying psychology behind it? Just try it, even if you think it shouldn't matter, just as an experiment of sorts? Like a sociology experiment? Just for the first 3 dates?


This made me laugh. I do offer to split the check, but yes, I have dated men who contacted me, who have picked up the whole tab for our first, 2nd and beyond dates.

I've had a couple men who paid and then got angry when I wouldn't sleep with them on THEIR time table. I've been told that from now on they would hire a hooker as it would be a better use of funds. Were those guys *ssholes? Sure and I was well rid of them, glad I found out early. Does that mean EVERY guy who pays is? Of course not!!!

One piece of MY baggage: I have a very successful ex-husband who left me in the dust career wise and my lack of success, my inability to be an 'equal' was a key factor in the ending of our marriage. I've rambled about it in another post recently. I don't get spousal support but he's generous now, very good to our kids and I while I haven't needed to and never want to, I am sure I could go to him if I ever got in a bind. I think he feels a fair amount of guilt because he was kind of sh*tty to me about my lack of success. I suppose I want to make sure I do my share and be with someone who sees me as their equal. I'm looking for a partner, not a guy who will/can take care of me. I don't think a guy who wants to take care of a woman will be a good fit for me, I guess?

I don't want to turn this into another 'who pays' discussion because I've done things both ways and I don't think that is the key in this situation. (Yes, I could be wrong.)

The whole point of me blabbing about all this so indiscreetly was back to the ORIGINAL OP - does dating get harder as one gets older? I think these issues - the issues of baggage and barriers and life experiences making one weary and wary - are illustrated in my current experience.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Would you agree that dating gets harder as you get older?
Posted: 12/2/2014 11:27:33 AM
^^ That is one of the thing that I asked him 'Why!?' 'Why did you put up with this?' 'Was the sex really THAT good?'

Sadly I've heard this tale (or similar tales) from more than just him. Some men seem to be willing to jump through so many hoops for certain women or certain 'types' of women. And then they are bitter when those women turn out to be awful. (And the EXACT same thing happens with women, this isn't a gender thing, I am sure of that! I just am using this example as I date men, am dating a man).

Generally, I skew towards 'non-judgmental' and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean, I've made mistakes, I've used poor judgement, made questionable choices. But ... I am really frustrated at this point, I will admit because it's affecting our ability to move forward and it's starting to affect how I feel about him...

And YES I have communicated this to him. I understand that relationships are works in progress, but .... less work, more play might be nice?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Would you agree that dating gets harder as you get older?
Posted: 12/2/2014 10:28:04 AM
I think it's not harder to 'date' (I'm in fairly good shape, I have no issue making first contact, I split the check, yadda yadda and I live in an area where there are lots of single guys my age so I've been on a variety of dates) but maybe to get beyond the 'dating stage' into the 'potential relationship stage'? THAT has been my stumbling block in the past 2.5 years since I got out of my last LTR.

In fact, I'm facing this now, so what VK (and others?) said about baggage and barriers really resonated.

We all have so much more 'life experience' and it just seems difficult to look at each new person with 'fresh eyes'. In another thread, before Thanksgiving a man asked how much do we (women) want to know about a man's past and I responded that I almost always end up hearing a lot more about it than I want to. I do suspect I'm a decent listener and I do find other people's stories to be very interesting.

The man - a really good guy in many ways - that I'm currently seeing (it's been a bit over 2 months now) at times seems to be fighting battles that I sense don't have much to do with me. He'll make somewhat defensive comments that don't seem relevant and when I respond with a 'huh' (or in a more articulate way, hopefully) I'll hear what is behind them. Now I've heard enough that I know what's behind them.

It's always 'the ex' - either the ex-wife or (more frequently) his last GF who he was with for a year. He paints a less than flattering picture of her - according to him, she was wealthy, but not at all generous, made $$ an issue, was very demanding, a bit volatile. (Of course, she was 10 years younger and attractive (of course) and he has told me frequently they had 'great sex' so I DO understand why he stayed with her)

The first couple of times he came to my house, he brought flowers (not $$$ ones, just little bouquets from the grocery store that cost $7 maybe?) I was so tickled. I haven't received a ton of flowers in my life. I definitely let him know how much I appreciated them. He made the comment that he wouldn't always 'be able' to do that (from an affordability standpoint) and I said 'good grief! you don't have to. don't ever feel the need to buy me flowers if you can't afford to. I appreciate them, don't expect them'. (NB he hasn't brought any since that, LOL) He then shared that this last ex DEMANDED flowers (or some other gift) every time he showed up. Gah! It made me feel like he was just buying me flowers because of HER demands not because he genuinely wanted to do something sweet for ME.

$$ is an issue for him - he was a business owner, hurt badly in the downturn. He's got full custody of his teenage son. So he's still just getting back on his feet and has a lot on his shoulders. I totally get it and understand. I have mad respect for how he stepped up for his son and I've told him that 100 times. Haven't compared W-2's but I suspect that I have a bit more wiggle room in my finances so I've been carrying more of the load in terms of picking up the check. Still, he is always talking about what he can and can't afford and few times mentioned $300 dinners and how he couldn't do those (And yes, that got from me a 'huh?' We've never gone anywhere close to that in terms of cost). I shared my theory about 'wiggle room' based on our current situations and said (honestly) I didn't mind, that it seemed fair due to my luckier circumstances (my kids are older, my job was stable through the tough economic times). His response was 'WOW and (insert her nickname) had a lot more than you and wasn't nearly as generous' and then, another 10 minute monologue about her happens. He did so much for her, even though he had less than she did, and she didn't appreciate it. I've heard these stories more than once or twice. She did a number on him, I get it. I hate that it happened to him. I suspect he hasn't had anyone to 'share' with but .... it's taking a toll on my patience.

See - my OWN baggage comes in to play. I've never been the type of woman that anyone felt the need to 'spoil', I guess. Generally I take it as a compliment - I'm independent and they respect that. I'm no damsel in need of rescue. BUT -- I'm very weary of hearing men (even male friends, but particularly guys I am dating) complain about these high maintenance/drama (but always younger and attractive) women that they did SOOOO much for and how it wasn't appreciated.

I don't want to be compared to someone, even if it's somewhat favorably. Especially when the compliment is generally: You are so low maintenance, I don't have to make so much of an effort, yay! As if the only reason to make an effort is if someone is a b*tch and demands that you do? GAH!

I'M still making an effort with him. But.... what I find myself doing (again, perhaps the result of MY past experiences)? I definitely find myself detaching.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Guys and Custody Court Perception - What MAYBE can help
Posted: 12/2/2014 8:09:26 AM

You Attorney is NOT your friend ...


This is from a weeks old post but it bears repeating.

When it became clear my marriage was headed for a fall, I made an appointment with a friend's attorney and the advice he gave me literally made me sick to my stomach (I had to leave his office).

My goal was to minimize damage (particularly to my kids), his (the attorney's) goal was (of course) to maximize profit. My ex had a temper, he'd said some horrendous things things to me in that 'final fight' that led me to realize the marriage was going to crash and burn but he had not ever hit me. I shared this with the lawyer, when he asked why I was there.

Well? The lawyer said to me: "Just get him to hit you, just once". You, know - for leverage. W!T!F!???

I was horrified. I left and never returned. Our separation lasted until we weren't AS angry anymore. My ex (also a lawyer, though not a divorce lawyer) and I sat down and ironed out our own divorce settlement at our kitchen table a year+ later. We ended up spending $200 or so for someone to file the paperwork for us. That was it. We shared custody of our (then) teens, both of us seeing them as often was could (when my ex was in town (he traveled a good bit), we both saw them every day essentially), we shared financial responsibility. There was no child support paid by either person nor was spousal support. Could I have gotten the latter? Perhaps. My ex made a lot more than me, we'd been married 20+ years. But I was more concerned about peace, I was more concerned about the kids having two parents present in their lives that could co-exist. In my mind, this was worth so much more than any amount of $$.

Fast forward nearly 7 years and I know that for my kids I made the right decisions then. whew. Of course, there were bad days/weeks/months. It was painful. I had to listen to people (including my own mother and that hurt the worst) tell me I was stupid about $$ stuff and it is true that I haven't had nearly the financial flexibility that my ex does. But ....we are all ok. They have a mom and dad that love them and don't hate each other. They NEVER had to choose between us. (Honestly I feared they would choose me if it ever came to that - I was the one who was around for most of their growing up. My own dad died young - I know what it's like not having a father and I wanted more for them). We managed to make the kids a priority and continue to be part of their lives as they move into young adulthood.

I'm aghast when I talk to some friends of mine who have been divorced longer than me and are STILL fighting these battles. How can you ever move on with your life if you have SO much tied up in hating/fighting the ex? I would think that would be exhausting!

I had a co-worker who battled her ex for years and years. She told me once that they spent more in lawyer fees fighting over who would pay for college one year than the actual tuition!!! What sense does that make to anyone BUT the lawyers??? It seems almost criminal.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 179 (view)
 
Men's Frustrations in Online Dating
Posted: 12/2/2014 7:10:11 AM

I think the blame is on women for the issues on online dating. They are very shallow and have this attitude of an entitlement princess. This is why guys have problems on here.


Yep, we are horrible. The worst. All of us.

We aren't only to blame for men's issues in online dating, but in fact, most of the problems in the world.

I really can't think of a single reason why men would continue to bother.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Break-Up Line: We Grew Apart.
Posted: 12/2/2014 7:03:14 AM
I think it's somewhat easy to look back, identify a 'red flag' in hindsight.

We were both in our 20's and I actually think that my ex-husband liking the fact that I was educated/working on an MBA at night (we met at school) meant he DID like 'me' (being me). Those things were a fairly big part of who I was then. I did the '6 years straight outta HS' thing in higher ed and I did it on my own (no parental $$, as often happened then) and no debt. I was proud I was able to hang in there to get it done with and glad I was able to get a job afterwards so that it wasn't for naught (this was the 80's, the recession was in force). I appreciated the fact that he appreciated and saw value in the things I valued.

Just as he did, I think I expected I'd accomplish more career wise than I have. Heck, I'll be the first to admit, I was naive about reality. I didn't understand what being a military spouse (and moving every couple/few years) would mean to a career. I had no clue of what that PLUS filling the role of 'primary parent' (with a mate who was often away) would involve. Looking back, I think I was somewhat lucky that I was able to keep up with my career at all - doing a bunch of lateral moves!

While I do agree that no one should get married hoping the other person will CHANGE -- I also suspect that MANY people (particularly people in their' 20's) look for more than just who the person is right then, but also what their 'potential' might be when choosing a mate. What type of parent they may be, for example.

But life has a way of happening and not always as we expect. I didn't get married in my late 20's thinking I'd be single again when I turned 50. Could we both have 'done better'? Of course! Real life has a lot of challenges and sometimes they bond a couple and sometimes they tear a couple apart. We failed as a team, as a pair. It doesn't make either of us a villain IMHO. I just don't like to play that blame game.

We truly 'grew apart' - which is the topic of the OP.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Break-Up Line: We Grew Apart.
Posted: 12/1/2014 1:33:09 PM
I wonder if the problem is something that goes beyond not being an equal in job title and paycheck anymore, because there are many couples where a successful (wealthy) guy marries someone who is not as well achieved, but makes the relationship work. If you're in a marriage and work as a team, there shouldn't a competition to see who can become more "successful"-especially if the loser of the competition gets the boot. That's why I think there was something else going on that was eroding the marriage-since guys have been taught for thousands of years that they are to be the provider and number one pay earner.


Hey, lots of things happen in relationships and life that 'shouldn't' happen. Should we have been in competition? I can say 'no' because I LOST (ha?)

I can only answer that FOR HIM, having a successful spouse seemed to be very important. I know when he met me, he told me often that my education (we met getting our MBA's, I had already gotten a Master's straight out of undergrad) was one of the things he really liked about me. He also was always into my 'career'. He was proud of me at the start. Whether that is what guys in general want/accept doesn't really apply to our individual situation I suspect. We were two individuals after all. I had a couple of GOOD years in the consulting biz in one place we lived - I out earned him for a brief (maybe 1, maybe 2 years - I only know cause I did our taxes) and he seemed to get a real kick out of it as it gave us a lot of flexibility in what we could 'do' in terms of travel (and saving). Those years we bought new cars. ha. But that didn't last - another move killed that AND he kept climbing the ladder.

We've actually talked a lot about what went wrong -- both before (in marriage counseling and out, though when the marriage was falling apart there was a lot of emotion involved and it was hard to be objective for both of us) and a fair amount after. He's apologized to me about (his words) "how mean" he was to me over and over again in the last couple/few years (we are co-parents, he lives in another city so we don't see each other all the time, but several times per year). I think in the midst - it became one of those 'you can't see the forest for the trees' situations. It wasn't pretty. I'm very glad it's now and not 7 years ago.

I found it telling that the the woman he met and fell in love with AFTER we split (there was no infidelity on either part, that I am pretty sure - I know I didn't cheat and he was very much a 'rule follower' and having an affair could have cost him his career) is his equal in terms of education (they both went to same brand name law school) and career (both the 'travel the world for their career' types). I think there is a reason the two of them are so good together (I've been around them a few times at holidays and my girls see them a lot - I believe the girls when they say he is SO much happier now, I see it on his face each time I see him). She had some key attributes I did not. Not saying I'm a bad person, but I didn't turn out to be the person he thought I might. Heck, I turned out to be a different person than I thought I would be when I was 27 years old - but life can do that to you.

I'm not sharing this to say my ex is a bad guy or to demonize him. He's not and I don't feel that way about him at all. We had a marriage that started in one place and didn't stay there. We grew apart instead of together. His career was a trajectory and mine was a bit of a flat line. He traveled the world and I didn't.

I was just trying to give an example of what I saw as growing apart. Just one person's example.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Break-Up Line: We Grew Apart.
Posted: 12/1/2014 10:19:39 AM
^^ My experience was similar to the corporate high flier one (except it was the 'he' who got there, not the 'she' (as in me)).

When I met my ex-husband were were fairly 'equal' (late 20's) in terms of education/career success.

During our 20 year marriage, we most definitely 'grew apart' - he became MUCH more successful than me in terms of both education and career success. My career stagnated (my excuses: he was active duty military, so we moved alot. Also? I became the 'primary parent').

He was NOT able to get beyond the fact that while he married 'an equal', he ended up married to someone who was no longer that. I was a real disappointment to him. I will admit I resented his attitude because some (not all, he was an incredibly hard worker and so d*mn bright) of his success was facilitated by the fact that I took on the roles I did.

When we were in our late 20's we didn't have a crystal ball, had no idea where life would take us. That a balanced pair would become so imbalanced. Life happened and many choices we made, didn't work in our favor.

Over 6 years since our split now and he's been happily involved for years with someone who IS his equal education/career wise. That is what was/is important to him. She's a lovely person, nice to my girls and I'm mostly I'm very glad he found someone who makes him happy.

But sometimes I've been envious - I've bumbled through a couple of +1 year relationships that didn't work out (and I got my feelings hurt in the process, ha!) and a had few stabs at things that were clearly not going to have legs. So yeah, it has hurt to see him find someone who is such a good fit (and relatively easily and quickly).

For the most part (and maybe this will make people angry who think you should stay together no matter what) we are ALL better off - I'm stronger and have a better sense of myself. My girls have a relationship with us both and are glad their parents aren't miserably together. As for my ex-husband? He is more successful than he ever dreamed - and appears to be thriving.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 185 (view)
 
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 12/1/2014 9:55:02 AM
My lunch time activity today - coming back after a week away to see what posts got a lot of play while I was gone :) Very entertaining all, thanks.

I didn't read this full post, but I thought the experience of my recently turned 21 year old daughter (who I visited on my week away) would at least be applicable. As an aside (so people didn't think she is a desperado who can't pick and choose) she's thin - always has been, just naturally I guess? She's in college and hooking up is often what people do, it's just the culture it seems.

But, she started dating a guy last spring that she met through mutual friends. When she first told me about him then, her EXACT words were: "Mom, I think he's the nicest guy I've ever met"

Not 'the hottest', not 'the coolest', not the 'biggest bad boy', not the 'most confident' but NICEST. He was a little older than her and not rolling in $$ either. He was 'the nicest guy'. She was so tickled. She met a NICE guy and even at 21, she's dated enough to know that is something she wants. She sent me pictures - he was just a normal looking guy. Now, why did she think he was NICE? Because he was communicative, friendly, he paid attention to her, talked to her/shared bits about his life, listened to her, helped her clean up instead of expecting her to do all the work (say, when he came over to eat or stayed over). He met her friends. He spent time with her. He didn't try to (as is referred to on here) 'pump and dump'. Things got to the point where they were staying over with each other pretty regularly and enjoying each other's company.

Well? He turned out to NOT be nice, but it took her several months (and her really allowing him into her life, into her friend's life) before it came crashing down. He hid the 'not nice' side of himself pretty well.

She's still reeling, she is embarrassed that she somehow didn't 'know' that this guy who seemed so nice, wasn't.... She's wary and said it will be awhile before she trusts anyone (and her own gut) again. She'll live and likely be wiser and more guarded. Maybe not a bad thing?

Moral of the story FWIW: even young, thin girls may want NICE. But NICE doesn't always last.

Also? As much as it sucks to be hurt, seeing one's KID reeling? REALLY sucks!
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How much do you want to know?
Posted: 11/21/2014 12:55:57 PM

I get the classic "she cheated on me" story, and somehow it makes me question their ability to perform, lol. To which I say next!


I suppose I have a sympathetic nature to go along with my face.

I do feel badly for some men I've gone out with, who have been screwed over. Even though I know there are 2 sides to each story (or is it 3 - his, hers and the truth?) I can recognize when someone is struggling. I've had my own struggles so I'm not one to jump to judgement.

What I can't (or won't) do is try to make up for the bad that happened and, at times, that is what it seems like some guys seem to be expressing. I want someone to like me for me, not how I compare to their ex. I don't even like hearing how I might compare favorably to their ex.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How much do you want to know?
Posted: 11/21/2014 11:47:10 AM
I've generally been given a LOT more info than I probably wanted/needed.

Maybe I have a sympathetic face?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Love story or nothing at all
Posted: 11/21/2014 11:04:14 AM
I find this statement condescending and unnecessary. I'm 35 years old and one of my kids is almost an adult. Trust me, I know the love game well.


My apologies. You look younger in your pic. (Edited to add - maybe you do look 35, ha - not an insult AT ALL - it was just a long time since I was 35 and I'm more cynical now) How long were you married?

I did say say that 'arranged marriages' and people who are in them that fully commit, no matter how they "feel" towards their partner MAY have a better way of making things work. Was trying to frame the discussion in the culture that I am most familiar with and offer a reason why marriages in our current society that didn't begin with the 'crazy about you' feelings may have failed (and why folks who may have been married may not want to choose to marry again - particularly to someone they aren't 'crazy about').

Just one woman's opinion and mea culpa RE: the 'dis'.

As for below and discussion of 'THE goal' (emphasis mine)

We don't ALL have the same goals. Can't we select our own, for us? Can't our goals evolve over time as we live and learn?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Love story or nothing at all
Posted: 11/21/2014 10:40:13 AM
There is a book titled "The Happiness Myth" that I am always meaning to read. Perhaps someone who loves to quote experts could read it and summarize it for us?

I am not sure 'happy all the time' is a goal that makes any sense either, Dee. I have lived long enough to know that for me feeling sad when bad things happen is actually a sign of mental health. How can one appreciate the truly wonderful things in life if you are always convincing yourself that every day is rainbows and unicorns? It is all a matter of balance, at least for me.

To the poster who said this thread was just another one of people seeking Mr/Ms Perfect... I dunno. I don't think everyone has said that. I didn't or didn't mean to at least -- I wrote a bit of a long post about what I thought some of the longer term challenges of a marriage between 2 people who may not be 'crazy about each other' might be.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Dating without physical attraction
Posted: 11/21/2014 9:52:45 AM

A beautiful 53 year old blonde asked to see a picture of my ex. Whatever. I indulged her. She then uses that opportunity to show me her ex. WTF? Could care less.


I had a similar experience with a guy I dated in summer of 2013. Difference from your story was that he wasn't 'all that' looks wise - at least according to my young adult daughter and a friend of mine who met him. Honestly I thought he was ok (as I've said before I am just not as fixated on looks as people think everyone else is) plus we had had a lively period of message exchange, he lived fairly close to me and we'd had fun on our first couple of dates.

But, after that, maybe he stopped with the 'best behavior'? He really pushed to see a picture of my ex and it was fairly obvious he did so he could show me his. She was (of course): tall! thin! blonde! 10 years younger than him. He was from LA and was here for a couple of years for work - it seemed to me she was conventionally attractive in the LA way, maybe?

I'm not sure if he thought that his having a beautiful ex would impress me or what? I mean, she dumped him, got engaged to someone else -- so ... congrats? Honestly it just made me wonder WTF he was doing going out with me and I found myself liking him less as time went on. Our gig only lasted ~6 weeks.

Postscript - he's back in LA now and he recently got in touch with me. He did the whole 'I'm so sorry, didn't appreciate you, I messed up blah blah blah' bit (not sure why he would even do that long distance). Suspect that he tried to lure 'the beauty' away from her finance and it didn't work.

OH - PS2: I absolutely agree that having a beautiful exterior doesn't mean someone is a bad person. Many people are attractive inside AND out.

It just seems like I am hearing so many tales of people (in my case men, since I date men, but I'm sure that women do it too) who put up with a bunch of crap from someone who is attractive and then complain about it. If that person was average looking (like me!) they would have dumped their *sses after they pulled something similar.

Some days I'm more sympathetic than others. It's been a long week. ha?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Dating without physical attraction
Posted: 11/21/2014 8:37:32 AM

Lousy feeling, eh? Someone decided you were 'good enough'. Yuck.


Well, I suppose it's better than being married to someone for 20+ years who I was never even that (good enough for).

LOL - oh, it's Friday and the cynic comes out in me. My ex-husband is a great guy! REALLY :)

But yeah, the stories get old, the feeling of being someone's safe, but less than perfect/idealistic choice gets old as well.

I got together with male friend I've known forever this week. We work in the same field, get together a couple/few times a year, have some beers and compare notes. He was going on and on about his latest girlfriend - 10 years younger, beautiful (OF COURSE!) and a royal pain in the *ss, high drama. Usually I'm amused and even somewhat sympathetic towards him, but I found myself impatient and I realized it's because it's SO similar to what I've been hearing from the men I date -- similar stories of these younger, attractive women who they always will give the benefit of the doubt too (and for far too long).
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Soulmates
Posted: 11/21/2014 8:25:47 AM


Honestly, I'm not sure I'd even want to feel any of that again. The good or the bad (well, obviously not the bad). I'm ok just trying to meet someone who I get along with reasonably well, whose needs I meet without me having to jump through a lot of hoops. A situation where 2 people can enjoy each other.



I don't think any of us should have to jump through hoops, that shouldn't be what a soul mate is about. It should be a relationship that you have to really work at to avoid it.

But what if you could feel this again without the jumping through hoops and with mutual desire for the long term??


Ah, I once again didn't explain myself well.

I didn't feel like I was jumping through hoops when I was 'in love'.... One of the reasons I was SO crazy about 'that guy' I was referencing was that I felt HE accepted me like I was.

But in the years since it ended, nearly every dating situation I've had has ended because the guys I've dated seem to always want me to be something I'm not, even though they claim to be crazy about me (which happens too quickly IMHO).

So - I was commenting on what I am seeking now more in reference to what I've found since that heartbreak. I'm not looking to be in love or for 'the one'.... I'm just looking for someone I like, that I can make reasonably happy while still being myself.

Forget head over heels -- I can't even seem to find THAT. lol
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Love story or nothing at all
Posted: 11/21/2014 8:18:20 AM

...you gonna eat that doughnut?


Color me dense but what is with all the doughnut references? When did that start and why/how?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Dating without physical attraction
Posted: 11/21/2014 8:15:53 AM
^^

I hear over and over again from men I have gone out with they typically pursued and often landed gorgeous women who were royal pains in the *ss. High drama, needy, etc. The things the guy I'm seeing now says about his last ex astound me, but he put up with it for quite some time because she was hot, I guess?

So I guess that they finally decided to 'settle' on someone average like me: a real person who is low maintenance, nice and treats them decently? I'm so flattered. (sarcasm, I'm not actually flattered)

Funny thing is - these guys aren't going to be on the cover of GQ either....

So - what can we learn from IG and my stories:

-- Beautiful women date beautiful men till the men treat them so badly they learn to appreciate average guys.

-- Average guys date beautiful women till the women are such a pain the *ss that they learn to appreciate average women?

Oh! Except guys like IG who will only ever date beautiful women, because they are proudly shallow as fvck!
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Love story or nothing at all
Posted: 11/21/2014 7:29:46 AM

Also consider that your happiness being single is not quite so complete either. Feel free to comment on how single life is better than a non-head over heals marriage.


OP I think you are relatively young and (I should have checked first) am going to assume you have not been married? OR not had a long marriage at least?

I'm making the statements below with acknowledgement that we largely live, here in the US in a society that equates choosing marriage with 'being in love'. So I'm not talking about arranged marriages or attempting to debate the pros and cons of that approach - heck, I'm not sure that it isn't a better way - it's not something I am that familiar with and maybe the OP's question would be rendered moot if that was our cultural norm?

Marriage can be challenging, because life can be challenging. Whose goals take priority? Many times both people's goals simply can't. Having children (while I think is a wonderful thing) also can cause a rift in a relationship: little kids are often physically exhausting, teenagers emotionally exhausting. Kids are expensive and the limited resources of time and $$ that couples have are often stretched to the limit when trying to make everything work.

So, if you start a marriage NOT head over heels, how do you navigate the tough times? When these rifts occur and wear you down, how do you continue to have sex with someone (which I believe is a KEY way to stay connected) that you were never head over heels with?

I think it's tough for a marriage to continue to be 'perfectly fine' once real life gets in the way if the 'this person is the one for me' feelings were never there to begin with. I think it takes an incredible level of commitment to make things work, hang in through all the challenges if you can't even look back and remember 'hey, wait, I was crazy about this person, that's why I chose to commit to them'. Heck, it's hard to stick with someone WHEN those sort of feelings are in place.

Just my 2 cents.

I was married for over 20 years. I don't regret having the family I did, but I'm pretty darn happy now being single. I can't imagine I'd ever get married again if my feelings towards another were just: 'eh, they are perfectly nice'.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Same depressing story of no replies
Posted: 11/21/2014 6:33:17 AM


do I get to 'choose' a man who is not interested in me? How does that work exactly?


It works the same way as it works for men (or doesn't work).

You "choose" people you think you would like to get to know better, and then they reject you.


Thanks, THAT was my point exactly when I posed that (rhetorical) question.

Just because I'm female doesn't mean I automatically get to choose from every available man there is. Men choose to accept/reject just as much as women do. Maybe they make their choice 'first' more frequently but they still choose...

Dating OL or IRL can be tough. Lots of us have been rejected.

I still cling to the notion that ALL you (global you, including myself in this) can do is live your life in a way that allows you to be the best YOU that you can be. IMHO the rewards of that strategy are FAR greater than be how that life strategy affects one's ability to find a date/mate.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 53 (view)
 
I've officially graduated online dating 101.
Posted: 11/20/2014 12:59:22 PM
I read a pretty funny (IMHO) Mason marriage related tweet today and I shall share it with the forum readers:

"I wonder who Mason's fiance picked for the 'Fvck, Kill' part of the game"
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Do girls/women really care if a guy is bald?
Posted: 11/20/2014 12:53:28 PM
The man I'm currently dating is bald.

But I am only one person and he is an individual. I like many things about him (his bald head is just one of them). If he had hair? I suspect I'd still like him just as much.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 3 (view)
 
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/20/2014 12:50:45 PM
A couple things.

If you read the forums you must know that conventional wisdom is: "Nothing is real until you meet". There is a reason for this conventional wisdom. You may think you know someone based on their forum posts and their pictures, but you don't, really. Maybe you are attracted to words and language (I know it's one of the things I like) but still - until you meet, it's a 'crush'/infatuation.

Also:


How can I pick someone with whom I feel no stirrings of desire?


Even to me (someone who has said I've taken a more logical approach to relationships/dating) wonders how that will ever work out? If you truly don't want to take a chance of ever getting hurt, it may be better NOT to date.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 180 (view)
 
Has anyone had a good relationship with someone on POF?
Posted: 11/20/2014 12:41:17 PM
^^ Congratulations Melissa0607

Nice story in general and also to illustrate that although there are 'best practices' (related to OLD) that people may want to follow, things can (and do) work out even if you don't follow the prescribed path.

It sounds like you both had doubts and a bit of back and forth, but keeping an open mind won the day!
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 20 (view)
 
How to build a relationship with a widower?
Posted: 11/20/2014 11:50:23 AM

For some reason, no matter how bad the marriage may have been, once that person passes away, they're elevated to sainthood.


A couple years ago a man reached out to me on match and indicated he was a recent widower.

I told him I was sorry for the loss of his wife and he wrote back 'eh, I was about to go see a divorce lawyer anyway' and proceeded to say some really ugly things about her. I found that rather jarring, even if it was completely truthful.

My mom was a fairly young widow and then lived with (though never married) another man for 19 years till he passed away. My step-father (how I thought of him) was never a replacement for my dad BUT he was absolutely a grandfather to my kids (who never knew my dad). We had a really great relationship and he and my ex-husband were thick as thieves which was so nice for both of them.

I never understood why a grown child would not want the best for their parent, but then? I don't understand a lot of things.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Dating without physical attraction
Posted: 11/20/2014 11:11:49 AM

My advice to you, OP, is to go ahead and jump into it with both feet. Go, marry him..... etc


Um, the OP is a man, interested in women. I don't think he was asking if he should marry someone?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 2 (view)
 
taking a break, does that ever really work?
Posted: 11/20/2014 10:17:18 AM

He wants to stay together during this break and wants me to wait for him to see if a) he misses me and wants to be with me or b) he realizes he's not ready for a relationship.


I think this will set a bad precedent. He wants YOU to wait for him so he can decide? What about what you want? Power imbalance there.

Seems to me it's his chance to take - he can determine if he wants you or not and if he decides the former, he'll be the one taking a chance whether YOU are still available and still want him...

You have to look out for your own interests here - he's looking out for his. I'm not saying he's a villain - he's being honest, but the whole 'wait for me' stuff? I don't think that makes sense for YOU.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Same depressing story of no replies
Posted: 11/20/2014 9:51:41 AM
If a man approaches a woman, he has chosen her (i.e. shown interest). If he doesn't approach/message then he hasn't made a choice in that as well?

I've approached men IRL. I've messaged plenty of men (i.e. chosen to show an interest in) and then they have the same choice that I did to respond as to whether they respond. Some have responded, plenty have not. I know I'm not the only female in the world (or even on the forums) that have taken this approach. It's why the absolutes ("women choose") just continue to BUG me. (Hmmm, guess I'm having a bad day?)

In both cases we both have to choose. I know there are stereotypes about men and women, who makes the moves, but still - each time anyone expresses or returns interest, that is where the choice has been made, no?

Edited to acknowledge WiP's post ^^^

Essentially we are saying the same thing, I believe - I'm just wordier. lol.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Dating a Divorcee
Posted: 11/20/2014 8:51:20 AM

So how's dating going with the recently divorced lady? Where's the update? Feed me Seymour, feed me.


+100! (also lol)

I always am curious about what happens with situations/issues/challenges folks post about.

Heck, I am curious how TrustinKarma is doing with the guy who she deleted her profile for (yep, I'm WAY too invested in the forums!)
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Same depressing story of no replies
Posted: 11/20/2014 8:48:02 AM

And you are right. In the end, the woman chooses.


I see this quoted often and I wonder -- do I get to 'choose' a man who is not interested in me? How does that work exactly?

I would think in the end (if we are talking hetero interaction here) a man and a woman have to choose EACH OTHER.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Dating without physical attraction
Posted: 11/20/2014 8:19:16 AM

On several occasions I've heard women state that they've dated unattractive men, and not so much because of his personality, but because he had a boat, golfed or was an excellent swing dancer.


My gosh, that situation with the "swing dancing woman" must have done a bit of a number on you, you have mentioned it several times.

I do think that some people (men and women) tend to choose potential mates based on activity participation, lifestyle or other logistical concerns.

I will admit I've reached out or responded to some guys who didn't ring my bells in terms of appearance OR hints of personality (as much as you can get from a profile or 1st message) because they lived near me (logistics here can be a killer).

I had a man on match reach out to me and after a couple messages exchanged he got down to brass tacks - he wanted to meet someone who had the same birthday as he did. (I was same month and year (which in match you can determine by age/zodiac sign), but not actual day itself). I found that to be a fairly amusing combo of very specific yet seemingly random.

Who knows what floats someone's boat?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Soulmates
Posted: 11/20/2014 7:51:50 AM
So while it may not 'make sense' to many others, I have gained a tremendous amount.


And that is ALL that matters - not if it 'makes sense' to anyone else, but that it works for YOU!

I think these forums can be informative and even helpful if we keep in mind that people are offering suggestions based on what works for them or just sharing their perspectives. I personally really enjoy hearing differing viewpoints.

What happens too often though is that people will too quickly jump to the 'it works for me, therefore it is universal truth' framing of whatever we are talking about.

Those absolutes just make me SMH/roll my eyes on a good day and make me want to throw my computer across the room if I'm having a bad day. Because I have encountered that sort of attitude IRL way too much in my years on this planet (from co-workers, family members in addition to guys I've dated) and there is no reasoning or finding middle ground with people who don't understand that one size (THEIR size) does NOT fit all.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Dating without physical attraction
Posted: 11/19/2014 2:40:38 PM

Anyone from any race, height and/or age can be sexually attractive to almost anyone else.


Really? You believe that? What about the person who commits the biggest insult known to man - an overweight woman? (lol, I'm being sarcastic here except not really)

I think that race/height/age are attributes that factor into what many people find attractive.

Luckily, not everyone has the same taste. THAT is what the somewhat diverse crop of current model/stars that exist in Hollywood proves - that not every given individual finds the same exact set of attributes attractive.

But to say that nearly anyone may be sexually attractive to 'almost anyone else' (meaning that we all have this very broad range of what we find appealing?) I have yet in my life to see evidence of that.

I NEVER want some guy to have to try to make himself find me attractive. I spend time and effort being the best ME I can be, but I'm well aware I don't please the masses. If I don't do it for any individual, I'd much rather he seek someone who does.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 94 (view)
 
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 11/19/2014 1:57:06 PM

More power to you if you can make it work and have no issues about the other person also sleeping with someone else. I am personally not that mature. I am very selfish when it comes to that.


I've run into more than 1 or 2 men who are similar - they are VERY firm in their 'I won't share' policy but still want to have the freedom to experience variety themselves. Always found that pretty selfish - that what matters to THEM should be important to us both, but what matters to me? Sorry, babe, it's simple biology. (Yep, a man said that to me as well as that he didn't make the rules). lol.

Those guys are not ever gonna be the guys for me.

I personally wouldn't date or have sex with the guy who wanted a 'poll of women' - I'm only one and probably not someone he would be interested in, but someone who stated I could expect them to 'stray' (i.e. having sex with other people while also having sex with me) is someone I would wish the best to and then stay the h*ll away from them.

I do agree that ANY arrangement that works for and is agreed upon between 2 consenting adults, where no one is being deceived or hurt is simply their own business. I'm not one to judge what someone does if it doesn't affect me...
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Soulmates
Posted: 11/19/2014 11:17:42 AM


let's just say while I believe he cared about me, he didn't return my feelings and didn't have the same LT goals about our gig that I did - both fair and he was honest), it was awful. I felt such a huge void and it took me awhile to get centered. Longer than I would have liked.


To me the concept of "soulmate" would at the very least be a mutual like/respect/level of interest. Therefore by the definition in my head of it - that would make this scenario a very not soulmate type thing.


Ah but I never used the term soul mate to describe my relationship, in fact, I said at the top of my post I didn't really buy that concept...

What I did say was that this was a man I had a very intense connection with. Strongest feelings of MY life.

In the end (after 2 years) he didn't want the same things going forward as I did and I ended the relationship.

It hurt like h*ll and since then? "Feeling Something" (particularly something intense) has not held it's appeal.

Will it ever? Not sure. Honestly I've dated plenty but I haven't really felt a strong connection with anyone, not one that lasted. Maybe I'm holding myself back? dunno. I'm ok with it. Not every dating experience has to result in true love OR heartbreak IMHO....
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Soulmates
Posted: 11/18/2014 12:41:08 PM
For my whole life, the 'soul mate' concept always seemed far fetched. However, I have experienced (later in my life while single again after a long marriage) an intense connection with another adult person unlike anything I'd known before. I was with the man for over 2 years and my feelings grew over time (though I was drawn to him fairly quickly upon meeting).

Looking back now, I can admit what a SAP I was about him and my 'feelings'. I say this without the usual 'he turned out to be a villain because he wasn't that - he was an incredible guy in a variety of ways, but also a real person who had his own gotchas. But man - the songs on the radio finally made sense! (It's been well over 2 years, I can laugh at it now). It was heady being SO 'in love'.... I felt such a sense of connection and I became his biggest champion. I felt very comfortable with him and very accepted by him. We rarely disagreed, our time together was always enjoyable and precious no matter what we were doing. When our relationship ended (let's just say while I believe he cared about me, he didn't return my feelings and didn't have the same LT goals about our gig that I did - both fair and he was honest), it was awful. I felt such a huge void and it took me awhile to get centered. Longer than I would have liked.

Honestly, I'm not sure I'd even want to feel any of that again. The good or the bad (well, obviously not the bad). I'm ok just trying to meet someone who I get along with reasonably well, whose needs I meet without me having to jump through a lot of hoops. A situation where 2 people can enjoy each other.

I'm much less guided by 'feelings' now -- I am trying to look at relationships more logically.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Do any of you do background checks on people you meet?
Posted: 11/17/2014 2:03:48 PM

My posts require mental gymnastics, you just can't give a straight answer unless you thought about it for a very long time. It's good for the brain. Try it.


Dude. I'm just a database analyst who uses PoF forums for a quick break from my 'real' job now and then.

Breaking the law as it stands currently is still breaking the law. Can a mortal man define 'absolute truth'? dunno. Laws evolve with the time, that much is true.

Your posts are not (to me, the reader) as interesting as you may think. In the future I'll stop and count to 100 before I respond (and hopefully in counting to 100, will know better and just go on to the next thing to read or get back to work)
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Do any of you do background checks on people you meet?
Posted: 11/17/2014 1:39:39 PM
Actually... I will cop to projecting a BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front) attribute to your post (ah that more folks used that strategy!) and likely didn't even 'get' the essence upon my first read.

When someone leads with a line that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, I don't always comb through the rest.

And even now that I've read the rest, I'm not sure what criminalizing homosexuality (which I am 100% horrified by) has much to do with whether there are repeat offenders (of which there are many if my 45 second google search is any indication). "Probably" most people don't repeat their offenses does not seem to hold.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Do any of you do background checks on people you meet?
Posted: 11/17/2014 1:09:03 PM

Real criminals don't get caught, got no criminal record. Those who get caught probably learn their lesson and become law abiding.


Yes, that is why there is no such thing as a 'repeat offender'.... UM, huh?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 31 (view)
 
I've officially graduated online dating 101.
Posted: 11/17/2014 12:24:07 PM

When I peruse the women's profiles (for some reason I am getting women along the top of my forum page) I see so many of them posing like sluts and tramps, stickin' their boobs and butts out, looking all seductive...and then the disclaimer that they dont want you messaging them just for sex.


I read somewhere that this (seeing women on top of the forum page) is the default if you are viewing the forums without logging in... I see them too and wow. Just wow. SO many truly questionable choices being made for pictures if they want someone to take them seriously as a person and not just a piece of *ss.

Too each their own and all that but it makes me just want to shake some of these women, particularly if they put in the disclaimer mentioned above. sheesh.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 79 (view)
 
older women younger men
Posted: 11/14/2014 7:53:19 AM
^^

And maybe Dee (and I'm gonna project here), you are having sex for what I like personally to think of as 'the right reasons'?

To be with/enjoy a particular person, not for securing some 'reward'.

I've always thought good sex was it's own reward -- an attitude I recall debating with a few of my younger (single, female) friends when I was newly single and meeting lots of new people that I didn't hang out with when I was married for so long. I know it's against "the Rules" (or whatever), one friend quoted the Millionaire Match Maker about something, which made me laugh...
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 66 (view)
 
The reason why a man wont take you on a date and just want to chill at the house.
Posted: 11/14/2014 7:47:14 AM
^^ I met my ex-husband when I was 26. He was 27. We were both working on our MBA's, but had reasonably good jobs for the times (mid 80's, yes I'm old :)

He insisted on paying the first 2 dates and I recall saying to him 'fine fine, but I've got a job and I'm paying for our next dinner, you pick the place'. He picked the MOST expensive restaurant in New Orleans, which we laughed about for years.

Honestly I sometimes think, from reading the posts from younger women here, that the times have 'swung back' (to a more 'traditional' model) than they were when I was single at your age.

One note about the man I'm seeing now - from what he's told me about HIS history (and he's talked about it a lot, but I get it, it still haunts him), he chose (to marry and then date since his divorce) primarily 10+ year younger, very attractive (according to him) but sort of 'troubled' women who he could be the protective/fixer. So the type of person I am is sort of new to him... Honestly I think he's REALLY enjoying it. I hope so, at least!

PS - Thanks Dee. Who knew? (lol)
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 491 (view)
 
Over 60, what do you men think about marriage?
Posted: 11/14/2014 7:38:38 AM

I guess I'm a gambling man, but rest assured...I also know that I risk being alone while I continue to be 'picky'


I am not sure why more folks don't make this choice -- particularly for folks who have struggled through a bad (long term) relationship - surely "it's better to be alone than be with someone and wish you were (alone)?"

Enjoying life and waiting for someone that is a great fit makes a lot of sense IMHO. As long as the emphasis is on the 'Enjoying Life' part.
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 63 (view)
 
The reason why a man wont take you on a date and just want to chill at the house.
Posted: 11/14/2014 7:02:53 AM
Why can't two people who enjoy each other's company just be together, without it having to be an uneven relationship? Why do men have to be the bearers of most burdens? These gender roles really irk me the wrong way, it's not very fair at all and places more value on the girl than the guy.


And... a younger guy (I'm assuming based on the picture I didn't check the profile before I hit 'Post Reply') saying the EXACT SAME THING I always say. Why can't a relationship have balance?

Answer - it can! If that is what you want, that is what you need to seek out in a partner (i.e. someone who wants the same thing). We all get to choose what works for us, we all get to seek a date who has the same priorities.

I have always sought an 'equal partnership' relationship. It was tougher to achieve during my 21+ year marriage because of the reality of my ex-husband's career (active duty military officer, which caused us to move around, caused him to dedicate time to the mission vs the family) and biological reality of being the person who got pregnant, took time off when kids were babies, etc. So, there were times when we didn't divvy up everything equally but each contributed in the way it made sense, for the sake of efficiency.

But since I've been dating again, it's been a priority for ME. If a man has an issue with me wanting to split the check? He's not the guy for me. If a man views a woman (her time, her effort, her body) as a commodity that he purchases? He's not the man for me. If a man has an issue with us continuing our independent pursuits while starting to merge as a couple? He's not the man for me.

How lucky am I that I believe I just may have met an incredible (not perfect, but real and wonderful) someone who seems to view relationships the same way I do? It took awhile and it's early but because I'm a person who is perfectly content not being in a relationship, it was totally worth waiting for.

Color me tickled as f*ck.

Also? The question:


Back on topic...

If you've already been intimate, what's the hangup with staying in once in awhile? Sheesh...


My take on the OP was that he was talking about '1st or perhaps 2nd dates'...

Because what couple who is established goes out ALL the time? I don't know any, quite frankly. Being 'home' together is one of my favorite things about a relationship, but I do think that takes a little time to establish (i.e. it's not 1st or 2nd date activity for me at least).

Here's a snippet of an email I sent earlier today to the guy I've been seeing now for going on 2 months. We had discussed a certain winery and it's events and I got an email (listing their winter events) from them today and I forwarded it to him.

"Another spot for us to check out... (yes, the list is growing and growing and growing - which is a GOOD THING) How lucky are we to live in a place with so much going on and to have made the discovery of a person who we like to do things with.

NB - as winter approaches, staying in, watching games or movies, sneaking some horizontal time and sharing wine and cooking duties is ALSO something I hope we can do more of :)"


 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 162 (view)
 
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 12:14:52 PM
^^^

In this case you say you realized she wasn't that into you and that 'it happens', but am not sure how that is different than her saying 'no chemistry' (or in her case, connection).

Seems to me those are essentially the same thing?
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Do any of you do background checks on people you meet?
Posted: 11/11/2014 10:10:31 AM
I've googled a couple guys after I went out with them a time or two (once I knew their last name) - mainly for the fun to see if I could find more pictures of them but not to try to ascertain stuff that was none of my business... IMHO, just because I share a meal with someone doesn't mean I instantly deserve access to their background.

The last time I was on match, I did receive quite a few emails from scammers. I amused myself by using google image search (who says "Catfish" isn't educational) on their pics and then reporting them...
 iam_rfsf2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Deleting profile before first meet
Posted: 11/10/2014 10:36:30 AM
I'm not sure why you feel entitled to a brownie reward for calling your man "average". Personally I think it's rather dismissive to your SO that your running around saying how you date someone who is "average". When I'm into someone and their into me I would hope they think I'm the Saaaanizzle beside their morning coffee not just an "ok", "average" hot dog that came along because there was nothing better to select. That's rather pathetic don't you think? How can you be with someone who you aren't passionate about in every way and then brag about it?


This was directed at me... And the quote you used was pulled from a LONGER text:


I personally have not started any threads, but I've shared that I have begun dating someone now who is 'average' in appearance. I've also indicated I don't consider that an insult - I consider myself average as well and I think we are BOTH great. Great in ways that have nothing to do with appearance. I met him on match and he had 3 less than great head shots (and no full body one at all), all wearing sunglasses.

I guess could start a thread 'I met an average looking guy' but I don't have an issue to raise about him... We are dating, getting to know each other, doing well overall. He's a real person. I was never seeking perfection and since I don't offer it, that seems reasonable. I continue to believe I'm not that unique in my dating life, forum posters withstanding.


I made that post in response to someone complaining that no woman ever starts a thread about an 'average' guy.... Certainly was not seeking 'brownie rewards' (brownie points?)

I tried to be CLEAR in what I said above that I wasn't being dismissive or insulting. I was saying that I personally don't have 'movie star looks' as one of my criteria to meet, date and fall for someone. I countered that this is perfectly fine because I don't have 'movie star looks' either!!! That doesn't mean I am full of self-loathing to acknowledge that. 'Average' isn't fatal. It's not even bad. MY world is full of 'average', happy people who are living their lives - taking care of their families, working meaningful jobs, having wonderful friendships. I think the man I'm seeing is GREAT as I said above. We are having a wonderful time getting to know each other. Each time we get together, it's better and better.

I'm not seeking perfection. I'm seeking something even better - a REAL guy. He's a wonderful, REAL person and I couldn't be more tickled at this point.
 
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