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 Author Thread: Dating Separated Men
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Dating Separated Men
Posted: 6/27/2010 12:13:25 PM
Not having read the majority of the posts to this, I feel you will most likely get the negative side. I figure that's because the ones who have had good experiences are no longer here.
I have never had a bad experience with dating or relationships with separated men, the relationships themselves may not have worked but it was never because of the ex. On the other hand I have met separated men that I realized from the beginning were not ready to date or for that matter move on.
What people need to realize here is that it has nothing to do with the status, divorced, separated, broke up if they are holding on, they are holding on and on that same note will go back if they choose and the option is there. You have to get to know the person, dig a little to understand the whys and how they are feeling. Go with your gut, if you think he is not ready, he probably isn't. If you think he is ready, I say move ahead.
I may be biased because I am "merely" separated myself, only I know I won't go back. I am currently in a relationship with a man who is "merely" separated. We have discussed our situations and are on even ground so I open my heart and hope for the best.
Good luck with your decision!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
under the sink he had 8 (YES , eight) boxes of Fleet enemas
Posted: 5/13/2010 5:12:29 PM
Here's a thought...be a courteous host...prior to inviting someone over, especially a female, make sure the TP roll is a fresh one. Then no one has to look for it.
This wasn't intentional snooping, this was looking for a neccesity item. In the process she came across what would make most people at least wonder.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Does this mean anything?????
Posted: 5/11/2010 6:28:37 PM
^^^^^sweetness that was way too funny....tears are streaming down my face.

I'm not sure that I wouldn't have asked what was up, yet the though of trying to keep a straight face while doing so just starts me laughing again.

I'm sure he has his reasons and most likely they are harmless or silly. Then again he could play for the other team. Oh well...at least he is squeaky clean.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
D I V O R C E
Posted: 5/7/2010 7:25:30 PM
Let me get this straight...you are married or separated but list yourself as divorced because of the "narrow minded" people who wouldn't take a second look at you because of your status. Ok, that's your issue,

While I agree that those of us who are separated get a lot of flack for being on a dating sight I like to think of it as just another weeding out process. If someone won't take the time after reading my profile, thinking it's great but "she's only separated" with out at least giving me the opportunity to explain (if I choose to explain), then why would I even want to get to know that person. As for the ones who e-mail nasty grams, even better...block and delete. Again narrowing the pool.

What would never be tolerated is a liar. I don't care how into him I might be but if I found out he was blatently lying on his profile, he is immediately kicked to the curb. The trust would be gone.

Maybe they should put more categories...
Think about getting separated (living together but not getting any)
Kind of separated (living apart but getting the booty call)
Separated...with time line added by number of months
Legally separated
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
D I V O R C E
Posted: 5/6/2010 5:38:28 PM
Not trying to satrt any arguments here but....

separated means you are still legally married to someone else and that means you have a commitment to that individual and that is very irresponsible to go into another relationship while separated


I get that we are still leagelly married, yet we are legally separated.
What I'm trying to figure out is where the commitment comes in...exactly what am I or is he supposed to be commited to???? We have no financial obligations to each other, although he does pay child support. Which he will continue to do even when we are divorced. I choose to keep him on my insurance, I have to pay the same rate whether he's on it or not.

I'm at a point where I am perfectly content being single, unattached and have been for over a year, not even dating. Yet, it really bugs me when people paint all separated persons with the same brush or feel that we aren't allowed to have a life and move on. I understand that divorce takes time and money and emotions come into play. The thing is my marriage was over a year before we separated, we tried it didn't work..the end. No going back.

Anyway..OT...not so strange that in common law splits the parties are considered single. I guess it just eludes to the once you were married you can only be divorced, you will never be single again.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Where is the line between being thin skinned to insulting behavior?
Posted: 4/25/2010 5:34:28 PM
Seriously, you're jealous over a celevrity he is most likely never going to have contact with. I would be more concerned if he were fantasizing about the local check-out girl.

Do I think you were being too sensative...yes but that's my take on it. You have to be comfortable with your limits.

Personally I wouldn't kick Jon Bon Jovi out of bed for eating crackers...lol. Will I ever have the chance?...hmmmm, NO. Do I mind if a bf points out a celebritie assets? No, as long as I can too. I'm also not beyond pointing out a beautiful female actress.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 186 (view)
 
Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N?
Posted: 4/17/2010 3:10:45 PM

yes. anyone who dates when separated is a whore....man or woman. they have no values or morals and this is what you will get. find a real single person! theres enough out there.


This from someone who can't even write a decent profile...pppffft! I have plenty of values and morals and am no where near being a whore, you on the other hand are a judgmental pr*ck! You are free to not date any one who is separated but no need to spew your values or morals on those of us who are.

I've been separated for almost 4 years now. Why, you ask? Part of it is procrastination, mostly it's because he is on my insurance. I pay for family coverage so it's no skin off my back. Also, his company is way too expensive. At the most it will be this way for one more year, until our youngest graduates from high school. At that point each of plans to go very separate directions, him to California and me to Florida where our daughter will go to college.
Beyond that, there is no chance of reconciling. Honestly tried that once after a separation 10 years ago, we did get back together (we were both unattached at the time) and as he said" being lonely makes you do stupid things". The only time I see him now is when he drops off child support or for certain family events. We are amicable, we don't co-habitate, we don't share taxes, we sure as hell don't share a bed.

The only thing I can't do being separated is get remarried. I am emotionally and physically able to date should I choose to. That said, I would have no problem dating someone in a similar situation. There are degrees of separation and not everyone is truely available to date during one.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Unreal response
Posted: 4/17/2010 2:44:03 PM

For those who need clarity! Flirting style of slap!

No offense but still not enough clarity...

Not that I would want to be slapped while eating. Aside from her timing, a flirty slap doesn't seem so bad. Now if she had b*tch slapped you up side the head, different story. Then we would be asking what did you do or say?
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
i know my girlfriend is being unfaithful but i dont know how to approach her about it
Posted: 4/12/2010 10:12:37 PM
^^^Hey Boondocksaint...Bitter much! So what are men that cheat?


OP...She is obviously not 100% happy in the current realtionship. Could be her, could be you. Regardless it takes two committed individuals to make it work. I'm guessing she is young as you are only 24. The first time she "cheated" while wrong was limited to kissing and she fessed up immediatly. Not that I'm condoning her actions but it was nice of you to forgive and undestandable that you can't forget.

My advice is to sit her down, talk with her and you need to acknowledge your snooping. She needs to be honest with both you and herself if she is ready to be in this relationship. Maybe you need to take a break from each other.

Good luck!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Happily single........is anyone else? Afraid to say so...
Posted: 4/12/2010 9:41:15 PM
For me it isn't even about being happy. I'm content with be single (long term separated). When my husband and I first separated years ago, I fell into an unexpected long term relationship. It was great but we each wanted differnt things. Immediately following that I was almost desperate to be in a relationship.
Now after a 2 years or so of barely even dating I am simply content with coming home to my kids and the occasional night out with friends. I travel often. I'm not afraid to be alone.
While I have a profile here, it's not something I pursue with a vengance. I love the forums, I exchange e-mails here and there. If I'm meant to meet someone I will, if not life is still great!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 94 (view)
 
Serious Member / Paid Upgrade Thread - Are we a tad spoiled by POF and a bit ungrateful for its services?
Posted: 4/11/2010 1:28:05 PM
While I'm not up in arms about the whole "Serious" Member badge I didn't appreciate it being given to me with out my permission. At the time it first came out I think we were asked if we would consider it and I answered Maybe...from there I was Serious Member, free of charge. I had it removed, took less than 24 hours.
Why does anyone paying or not make them more or less serious. Please, if it worked that way the pay sites would be sufficient. Through trial and error they are no different than here, this is just a much bigger, more diverse pond on every level.

Even though I'm not intersted in the bupgrade, the new statement on the site...

*only users who are capable of forming and maintaining strong long term relationships may upgrade*

...really ticks me off. Who is making the judgement on who is capable, what are the parimeters? and Isn't the statement ironic? If we were able to maintain strong long term relationships why would we be here?? Just sayin'....

If it simply said restrictions apply, I would understand but it just comes off as derogatory...kind of like E-Harmony aka rejection central...lol.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
The significance (or maybe imagined significance) of hugs....
Posted: 4/8/2010 6:11:08 PM
Personally I like hugs, kind of a feeling of security. If we had been talking, e-mailing for a while a hug upon meeting would not be offensive. A hand shake seems too professional, this isn't a business transaction, however if he were to extend his hand I would comply simply because I understand that some people just aren't huggy types initially.

I also think there is a difference between the hug with a gentle back rub vs. a hug with a pat...if you know what I mean. One is more personal than the other. Niether is offensive.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Have you moved away and regretted it?
Posted: 4/7/2010 7:53:54 PM
While I have had a similar experience, I would never have considered leaving my girls for a man. If I had it to do again I would have handled it diffrently.

To make a long story short....my ex and I had moved to Memphis,for his job. After a couple of years I got a great job offer in Tulsa. We discussed it and decided I should accept the offer. Initially I went ahead but was home every weekend. The girls were 11 and 5 at the time. After 2 months he and the girls joined me in Tulsa. Our marriage was not well prior to the move and after it didn't improve. We made the choice to separate but initially were going to stay in Tulsa. That was one day, the next he tells me he is moving home (Buffalo) and leaving the girls with me. The next day I get home and I am told he is bringing the girls back to Buffalo as well. Didn't discuss it, just that was how it was going to be. My oldest wanted to come back to her friends and the youngest wanted to stay with me, but we had decided to keep the girls together. At the time as much as it was killing me, I knew he was a good dad and I knew there was a good support system in Buffalo. His family and mine and many friends. I also knew I would have the opportunity to visit monthly at the least.
At the time my hands were tied as I was contracted to the job I took for 13 months.

Looking back, it would have been worth being financially obligated to pay the company back for the move and other concerns to have just moved back to Buffalo and not missed out on a fair amount of my girls growing up.

Now I am back and have been for 9 years, both girls are with me now (21 and 16). There are times when our relationship has been strained and only now are they more understanding of the situation that changed our lives 10 years ago.

My advice is to have him move closer to you. If that's not possible, then you might have to just let it go. The emotional turmoil on kids is not worth any man. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Kids first, men (or Man) later. If he is worth anything at all and cares for you he will find a way to be with you.

Best of luck!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Do men really jump too quickly?
Posted: 3/21/2010 4:49:16 PM
I think people grieve in their own way on their own time line based on individual circumstances.
Out of curiosity how long after his wife passed did he find this woman?

I think the grieving process can be shorter when you deal with a loved one who passes expectedly. You are more prepared for the inevitable. Also, who knows? But his wife may have encouraged him to move on or gave her blessing prior to passing.

Her friends need to mind their own business, especially if he was there for her through the entire ordeal. They are not in his shoes and do not have to live his life nor should they judge him.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Life long friend...who don't want to meet you
Posted: 3/21/2010 3:07:29 PM
A couple of dinners over six weeks wouldn't make me think they are dating. Her not wanting to meet you would suggest that she may have feelings deeper than friendship for him and is jealous.
I agree with another poster that suggested that you talk to your bf about joining them on the next dinner outing. He should be upfront with her that you will be joining or there will be no dinner.
I'm not suggesting he cut the relationship with his friend off if she would be open to meeting you, on the other hand if she still isn't then he needs to let her know that he is with you.
If you trust him then I would not worry about it but being able to meet her would go a long way towards etablishing trust with this specific situation.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Tell me what you think...
Posted: 3/18/2010 8:10:36 PM
As for the dinner plans that were made almost 2 months ago, she should have honored them. Especially if she knew it was important to you and understood that it was all couples. Nothing worse than going solo if you don't have to.
Her girlfriends would understand or should understand. I have a group of girls that I have been friends with for almost 30 years, trust me I have broken plans with them to spend time with a significant other or told them I had plans.
it would have to be a once in life time event to make me bail on my sifnificant other.

Passing on her birthday dinner with you for a surprise birthday for co-worker that she isn't even close with, not too cool. If it were the boss and company politics were at stake maybe, but generally not nice. At the very least she could have asked if you could do both, take her to dinner and stop by the party after.

My only advice is to communicate your disappointment to her and make sure you are on the same page for future events.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 7:16:14 PM

How deep the disappointment is, is a choice and I think when one sits ruminating on the motives of the Houdini, there really is no good to come of it. It won't help you spot the next one and could even make it harder for you to date at all if you allow yourself to be suspicious of everyone you meet.


So true...I guess I'm lucky that I have a relatively quick rebound rate. Part of that is because good. bad or other wise I know I have either played a part in or allowed a situation to happen. As I mentioned, I generally don't allow myself to get into the type of situation in my post. If I were to find myself sitting alone in the morning, it's a simple palm upside the head saying stupid, stupid, stupid!!! LOL

Until I read that I wasn't even thinking from the perspective of the person left behind. I was truely pondering why anyone would knowingly have sex with someone when they determined that they had no interest in them, yet knowing the other person was interested. At what point during the first date did it get to... this person is a turn off but I know they dig me so I'm gonna feck them because I can.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 381 (view)
 
People who just write how are you
Posted: 3/1/2010 5:20:59 PM
Got one today...

Subject: Hi
Body of e-mail: Hello!



Hmmmm....I got nothin'. I have a lot of info in my profile, one question to get the ball rolling. I even thought ok, maybe I can respond with something from his but Nooooo, he has 4 sentences that take up 1 1/2 lines of text on here. I still got nothin', I hate when that happens.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 3:46:07 PM
^^^Thank you Caramel...

Sorry for the word choice, meant no disservice. This could be either way, I never should have genderized it. Just my original issue was from a guys perspective.

What I'm trying to get at is when two people who have gone from talking on the phone, thinking they have each found a decent person, (or a perfect person,which yes is silly from just phone conversations), once they meet one of them determines NO, the other is not decent or perfect, basically they decide for whatever reason they have no intention of going on date two with them. However, they do not make the other aware they are no longer interested, maybe even lead them to believe that they are still interested. So now one person is thinking this is cool, the other person is thinking well, I know they are into me so I'm going to use it to my advantage and does. They have sex and then disappear. Yes, they were equal participants in the act itself but each had different motivators.

The person in question admits to getting in their heads, brags about getting them in bed on the first date and leaves the next day. They have found a weak link, they know it, it's wrong. Normally I wouldn't let a random poster that I don't know from Adam get under my skin but his post just struck me wrong today.

Not here to debate whether it is right or wrong to have sex on the first date. That is for each individual and situation. For those that do and feel victimized well shame on them. I get that part.



don't worry kimmie i always convert 'em over to my side once you listen to my BS long enough. :) you'll be singing my praises before long with everyone of my posts

ghostdog...keep callin' me kimmie and there will be no praises sung...lol



Quit while you're ahead.

BDJ...I never quit, not my style, really not trying to change the story just want to better explain it.
Now, I have to drive 1300 miles and pay. I'll pay for mine...lol.



I fail to see the confusion here. Women want sex, men sometimes want sex...
Everyone want sex.

Gone with...the above is so true. How did men get the sometimes? I thought it was 24/7 for them....j/k
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:58:17 PM
Hey BDJ...thanks for playing along...Still want that coffee?....lol


<div class="quote">If one is so childish as to place feelings or expectations to sex - then that person played themselves. They do it to themselves...they set themselves up for failure...they bring on their own disappointment. The better question would be more along the lines of "Have we really become a society that has ZERO personal accountability or responsibility that we have to blame someone else for everything that happens in our lives?"

THAT would be the better question.

I completely agree with you on this.

Put it in this perspective though...
You talk to a girl and based on phone conversations you are into each other. She may have built up this dream fantasy that you are it, the bomb diggity....whatever...You agree to meet, you catch on to how she feels. You in turn though do not get that feeling. She is ok, but not even looking for date number two. Do you say "gotta go, you're nice but not for me" or because you have the in you take her home, take her to bed never letting her think that this is it. You are never to be heard from again.
That's just blatently using someone.

I get that they are both adults and consenting and that maybe she is being childish with her relationship thought process but in this case I just think the guy would be better to walk away than play with someone that way.

I know there is way more to this and I value everyones perspective.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:47:06 PM
Well ghostdog, I must admit, I am not always one of your fans but I think you are right here.

some folks DO sex people knowing their is no potential, but honestly not everyone is looking for potential. some folks even judge the sexual encounters as a way to determine who they go further with.

and no- for folks with this angle, their conscience does not eat at them because they are only in it for what they can get out of it.


but...


just like "relationship only" folks are only in it for themselves and if they can hook someone into a relationship. their conscience does not bother them to hold out on sex.


I don't think you can hook someone into a relationship, and it's not their conscience that doesn't bother them regrading holding out it's just that they have morals. If they find someone of equal morality that also meets other criteria...clothes will be shed and fun will be had.

Me personally, I am a relationship person. That does not mean I hold out indefinitely but my preference is not to jump in before I have had the chance to get to know the person. It also does not mean that I have expectations of an instant relationship once we have fooled around.

The type of guy from the post that got this started I would never even find attractive. They come off as egotistical jerks.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:16:16 PM
DragNFly...thank you for your misguided concern. This is not about me at all.
Please read through all posts before commenting.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:00:04 PM

look op, what seems to have happened is you banged some guy based on an assumption about his desires, he didn't call and now you're waving the victim flag.


David, seriously, this is not about me. I don't and never have played the victim.
As I have said twice already this issue bugged me because of a comment made on another thread. Yes, I have had one night stands, but I tend to stay out of the bedroom at this point, until there at least some mutual respect in that arena.

The premis of his post was that he had on several occasions had a girl fall for him over the phone and by the end of the first date he was in there bed and then in the morning he was gone.

Besides the fact that his self inflated ego is a turn off, I just pondered why people would bother having sex with someone knowing they were just going to disapear. He knows they are into him, he was taking advantage of that. Not saying the women aren't part of the issue but I just though he was being an azz!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Looks like more drama at home
Posted: 3/1/2010 11:37:31 AM
Confirmation at this point would be welcome but even reading the OP opening line...
I moved in with my friend M and his girlfriend K two months ago.

...has me thinking it probably a different K. If she were the same K, it would be pertinent to the scenario. I also wonder if there is a 3rd K, because another post mentions one with BPD. Maybe he just has a thing for girls whose names start with K.

K1...from 10 years ago, popped up on FB and wonders if he should rekindle the flame
K2...the one with BPD, destroyed his trust after two weeks, Got in touch after being apart a year but won't let her get that close again.
K3...the K from this thread and currently M's gf.

For God's sake I'm a K with too much time on my hands...lol
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 8:45:51 AM

Oh, kimberish ... Sounds like you experienced a hit & run.

Well, Wally (love the name, makes me laugh every time) Not talking about me in this. Not saying I've never experiencesd the hit and run but went into the situation with no delusions of the perfect relationship, actually went with it assuming it might only be once. So, nope never the victim.

The topic struck me because of a comment made by another poster in another thread. Something about how, on multiple occasions he would get inside their heads, do the dirty and then poof...I guess it just struck me as low class on his part. Not saying the women involved did not play into this but it strikes me as low when someone knowingly takes advantage of another human being to this level.

One night stands are going to happen, even when you go a few dates and cross that bridge and then it just doesn't feel right. At least in those situations you have taken some time to get to know the person.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
80/20
Posted: 3/1/2010 7:45:19 AM
I would have to agree with you on the 80/20 split. I consider the 20% as non-defining issues. Most times the 20% is what makes the other person unique, hopefully not freaky though...lol.
No one is perfect, therefore no relationship is perfect. I do believe you can find perfect for each other but that takes some compromise and communication.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 7:33:27 AM
Another thread got me thinking about this….I’ll do my best to not generalize because I really think this is not gender specific. Although, in the original thread it was a mans view towards women. I did do a thread search but none were specific or current.

You do the usual e-mails, move to phone conversation and you already think this person is “perfect” before you even meet. Now you meet and things still seem “perfect”. You go to one or the others place and the night –cap turns into the night-romp and in the morning one or the other disappears.

My question is this…
Why do people allow this to happen? Either from the one who thought things were great or the one who disappears?
I’m more concerned about the ones who disappear; do you sleep with them knowing there is no potential? Are they easy prey? So to speak. If you know there is no future and you still sleep with them, doesn’t your conscience eat at you after a while?

Have we really become such a disposable society that it has become ok to play with people?
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Looks like more drama at home
Posted: 3/1/2010 6:48:02 AM
oK?


Ummm..well you were doing ok, right up to this....


deal is these 2 guys were friends and now a piece of azz is trying to wedge her way in between and the OP is falling for it hook line and sinker.


So just when did she become the piece of azz? Just a little derogatory, ya think?!? After all she is the one being cheated on.

The OP lives in the house, and has witnessed the verbal abuse, it’s not like she ran to an outsider. As far as trying to be the white knight or superman, OP has already mentioned her not being his type.


yes you are correct- you actually answered your own question. you would call out your FRIEND for being a certain way to their SO, you would not let your friend's significant other come weeping on your shoulder and forming a unit with the SO against your friend.


Actually, I have friends where I am equally close to both parties even though I met one or the other first. So, yes, I would intervene, depending on the over-all circumstances. I won't stand for abuse, cheating is a form of abuse, emotional at least.
I will admit there is line to not cross when getting involved, I will advise, I will also make sure that both parties know where I stand. If I lose a friendship it obviously wasn't that important in the first place but at least I still have my integrity.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Looks like more drama at home
Posted: 2/28/2010 10:53:44 PM
IMO...move out. That simple. I would however tell your friend exactly why. He is an azzhole. Do not do her "dirty work" for her though, she needs to tell him the same thing but on her own and on her terms. That is the only way she can help her own self esteem.


@ghostdog...what are you 2??? Man code/bros before hos? What a sorry excuse for a man. Any guy who buys into either concept is a jerk. If your friend was truely being cruel or abusive would you really not step in and say anything.
Same thing for "chick code" if one of my friends was being abusive to thier SO I would call them out on it and the friendship would be short lived. I have no use for people like that in my life.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
What do girls mean when they say their last relationship was all about sex?
Posted: 2/25/2010 10:06:33 PM
Why is it always about the women using her sex or sexuality??? I'm not saying there aren't women out there that will keep you in a perpetual holding pattern, but not every women who wants to wait is using that part of her as a weapon.
As I said above, it goes both ways...
This is why communication is key. My last two LTR's played out completely differently.

First one...met once and then first date sex and the relationship lasted eight months. When it ended, it was for let's say logical reasons. That was 3 years ago and we remain friends (no benefits).

Next one...we waited, his choice which I was fine with. Fifth date or so...first time was great...every time after that not so much. Relationship ended after a month.

I'm not a fan of waiting indefinitely but I do want to know if he is playing the field or is really into me alone.

At this point, as far the OP is concerned, we have no idea how long he has been made to wait. If it has only been a couple of dates, then she is not using her sexuality. Now if it has been weeks or even months then sure, she could be using her sexuality as a weapon. In the latter, he made the choice to hang on so there must be something more there.
Bottom line...know each others expectations. If they don't match move on.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
What do girls mean when they say their last relationship was all about sex?
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:44:00 PM
Isn't he just willing to use sex to manipulate her?

This works both ways.....
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What do girls mean when they say their last relationship was all about sex?
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:33:12 PM

Can you go into detail about this lack of emotional connection?


Seriously???? You're 28, emotional connection shouldn't be complete mystery.

Here is my take on it...
First scenario...she comes home after a long day and before she can even get in the door, he is all over her...wham bam thank you m'am.

Second scenario...again, she comes home after a long day...walks in to find that dinner is being made or ready, ha asks about her day, she his, maybe he runs a bath for her or massages her sholders or her feet...in any case non-sexual physical contact. They relax, enjoy the evening and make love before going to bed.

Niether scenario is bad, each has their place in a relationship but if all she ever gets is the first one she will eventually feel that the realtionship is purely physical.

People in general are emotional beings, for the most part women are more so. We need both the physical and emotional needs to be met. You part is to figure out how to balance this. Open communication is key. Ask questions early on (not on the first date but early) find out what each others expectations are. Understand that your needs may be different as a whole or just may end up being differt at certain times.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What do girls mean when they say their last relationship was all about sex?
Posted: 2/25/2010 8:15:53 PM
Most likely that there was no emotional connection. Some women, dare I say most, need the emotional side of their partner as well as the physical. Some men, are just the opposit, the physical is more important than sharing emotionally. The relationship becomes unbalanced.

Usually for both, but I think women react more quickly to lack of emotions, because they will still be sexual in hopes that the emotions will return. In that scenario the guys are still getting what they need so they don't get the imbalance part right away.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Typical Night
Posted: 2/25/2010 8:10:08 PM
^^^Because PoF is unique. It is a dating site but offers other options. The forums being one of them. If you check her profile is clearly states why she is here. I do wish that PoF would ad a forums only under the relationship type and either "gender" under looking for. It would make more sense.

OT...It's tough when you fall in rutt this early on, but as others have mentioned make a commitment to each other to have at least one date night a week. Your in a new town so there must be a lot to explore.

Best of luck to you both!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
delayed gratification
Posted: 2/23/2010 11:21:56 PM

It's your life. Never care what anyone or society thinks.


Truth be told I don't care what anyone or society thinks but if I'm going to eer on the side of caution, I'd rather be thought of as a prude than easy. In either case though he would be the wrong guy. The way I see it, if two people are truely interested in making a go of it in a relationship those (and I hate to phrase it this way) ground rules will have been established. To wait or not to wait will become a non-issue.

I can't say I have never had first or second date sex but in some of those situations, once the true colors came out, the sex was the only good part. On the other hand when I've waited the anticipation did not end in gratification.
So, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
delayed gratification
Posted: 2/23/2010 9:21:04 PM

It's just amazing how women don't understand the male sex drive. Listen: men want sex because they want sex. It nothing to do with experience, fantasies,blah blah. It has to do with enormous amounts of testosterone. Men want sex whether they want a relationship or not with the person they're dating. Men want sex whether they want to get to know the girl or not. Women can't sem to grasp that.


While the above statement may have value, the problem still exisits that if we (women) give it up too soon, we are "easy'" and if wait too long, we are prudes. So, where is the happy medium?

I want sex just as much as the next person. Is it wrong to want to wait until you think there is at least a potential relationship? My main concern is not whether they have slept with people in the past, it would be rediculous to think that they hadn't at my age. For me the concern is how many people have they slept with in the last week or month?
If I get the impression that they are bed hopping, there is no way I'm giving it up in the first few dates.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
A little presumptuous -- or is it me
Posted: 2/21/2010 8:54:24 PM
It should be something you can put out and expect that people would not be so bold to just grab it. Honestly, anything of significant value whether monetary or sentimentally should be visible but locked. Better safe than sorry.

EDIT: Out of curiosity, is this a woman you know well? It seems as if she does not know you well or she may have realized that the items in the cabinet where of value and for display only.
Pfffttt...to those that say value the gift of flowers over a vase. Yes, the floweres were nice but depending on the closness of your relationship with her it may have been rude of her to just grab the vase without asking if it something you want used.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
A little presumptuous -- or is it me
Posted: 2/21/2010 8:41:34 PM

It was from the Ming Dynasty


Wow...that kind of made me chuckle. Anyway, if you are serious, wouldn't it be in your best interest to protect that kind of investment with a locked cabinet? Obviously something where they are visible as they are beautiful and meant to be shared. Granted I doubt I ever seen anything other than a replica, but heck, I would have enough common sense to ask just in case.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
A little presumptuous -- or is it me
Posted: 2/21/2010 8:27:14 PM
You felt this was important enough to write a thread about?

OK...she was wrong to just go grabbing a vase from your collection, but it is after all a vase. Unless it's from the Ming Dynasty who cares. If it is I am sooooo sorry.
Ideally, what you could have done is simply said," I have a vase I prefer you use, let me get it".
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Men and women being friends - a specific example.
Posted: 2/18/2010 5:17:35 PM
IMO...they are no more than aquaintances at this point. The limited amount of interaction she has with him could just be her being nice as they are part of the same social club. She has been honest with you, focus on that.
I do a gree that the guy was an ass for propositioning her while he is married and especially if he was 100% sure she was in a relationship. Unfortunately that just gets chalked up to "can't blame a guy for trying", he is not the first and surely not the last, generally speaking of course.
I would have more of an issue with the situation if he kept trying and she did nothing about it.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
I screwed up now what?
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:38:50 PM
So you exhibited some controlling, possesive traits while drunk...bad? Yes, forgivable? according to her...yes.
For those that say to dump her or run...pleeeease, they had only been dating 3 weeks, were not exclusive and whose say she didn't go to a local bar that she enjoys going to, as does he, to just hang out. So she was socializing with people and Oh My God, they were male. Crime of the F-ing century. Now if she were sitting stradling either one with her tongue down his throat, then he can be concerned about her morality.
Who is anyone on here to say she was lying about the uncle? The OP believes her so that would be what matters on that topic.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 295 (view)
 
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:33:06 PM
Doesn't bother me one bit...then again, I too am only seperated. To me there is a big difference between being seperated for a short time vs. a long term seperation. In either case I wiegh out the other persons emotions regarding the subject. I also ask why the long seperation, they may have very valid reasons.
Dating is about emotions, not a piece of paper that they do or don't have.

Copied from one of my other posts on the topic....
If you all really think about it, we are all separated in one way or an other. Whether you have been married and are now separated or divorced, if you have ever broken up with someone, if you are widowed, you are separated. It's a piece of paper or a verbal agreement and in the case of being widowed, it's the only (and usually unwanted) permanent separation. People get back together all the time, regardless of divorce or break ups. When and if I met the right guy, I will gladly push the process along, my ex happens to agree with and understand this.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Problem Child...
Posted: 1/27/2010 8:10:55 PM
This is a tough situation and this is probably not the really the place to bring it...but for what it's worth....
I'm not for or against spanking a child as a disiplinary measure but your nephew is far beyond the need of a spanking. If the issues stopped at being defiant and disrespectful to mom, I might say that consistent punishment (time out,loss of privledges) might work. The fact that he has escalated to playing with fire and illedgedly killing an animal screams for help.
Personally I think you have only two options...
1. Walk away for you and your childs safety, with a clear reason given to his mom. This is not something he will most likely grow out of, but will grow into and I can only assume it will get worse and more dangerous for all involved
2. Call child services and at least they will investigate...if you do this remember your not hurting him or his mom, you're getting him help.

I wish you luck!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/25/2010 1:40:43 PM
Actually, you ARE asking these questions as a test...it's a pass/fail situation. To top it off your doing this on a first date/meeting, now you're just pushing.
I want a guy that is seriously funny...but never never will I discuss religion on a first meeting, besides, with any luck, I should have a general idea of his views before that on the subject. Do you want to be asked how old you are???? Again, if you're dating from one of these sites I would think you would know the answer unless he was obviously lying and you are questioning it. The same with the in a relationship question, haven't you established that before meeting.

People are not puppets on a string, nor should they be expected to entertain/perform, so to speak, to your liking. First meets can be nerve racking so maybe he is just keeping light.
Even the class clown has his place in a serious situation and I have found that no matter how humorous someone may be that they will and do come through when the need arrises.

My advice to you...lighten up a little. Take time to get the know the person, seriously!
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
I don't want to rush into sex, but she does...
Posted: 1/21/2010 8:15:40 PM
Assuming that you mean she doesn't like oral...this is not as uncommon as people think. Also, assuming that she is close to your age (21)...she may not know yet how great that particular act is. I have had conversations with my daughter and her friends in the same age range and they too can't be bothered with oral for their sake anyway.
You may want to talk to her about why she feels this way, could be that once she feels more comfortable about it she will allow you to try.
I respect your not wanting to jump into intercourse yet, this will have to be something that happens on your time line. Whatever you decide, just use protection.



@ghostdog

You are ok being "in love" with her, but not having sex with her?

He never said he was "in love"...just that he loves her. There is a big difference.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Why do they run when they see I am a Pastor
Posted: 1/17/2010 7:22:41 PM
Really can't tell you why they run...but you are a bit of a contradiction. Pastor, Biker, Computer tech, etc....
also on here being separated is like wearing a scarlet letter.

Some may be afraid of the pastor thing because they are not religious
Some may not like the biker aspect
Others may be tuirned off by the computer tech...think your a nerd

Me personally the pastor thing would be my turn off, probably because I so do not believe in any organized religion. The biker part is ok, so id the computer tech and as long as it's a legal separation I could give a rat's azz about that.

@thebugisback

<div class="quote">You should know that separated is still married. Don't lie about your status or who you are because these things will come back to haunt you. As a pastor you should already know this.
How is he lying about his status? He says separated...even if he had single in his profile it's still not technically a lie. Some, like you, see separated as still married. I see separated as just what it is...separated. I'm no longer married, feel single but am legally separated. The only thing a separated person can't do is get married.They certainly have a right to move on with their lives and seek a healthy relationship. They also need to be sure they are ready to move on.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 213 (view)
 
Women with multiple cats - sign of mental illness?
Posted: 1/11/2010 8:00:21 PM
Sorry eden...wrong again. Most cats will do anything to avoid walking in there own or any other cats pee/poop. They will seek out an area of the box not previously used and if they have a good owner the box will get cleaned regularily and they always have clean litter. They will then spend countless hours cleaning and grooming. That's their nature.
As far as the counters go, I agree, it's not my favorite place to find any one of my 3 but I have a simple fix...I keep a thing of those disinfectant wipes and simply wipe down the counter when needed.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Lack of basic language skills stunning! Is it my age group or area?
Posted: 1/10/2010 7:47:50 PM
I think there are big differences between those that are grammatically challenged or just plain lazy or English is simply not their first language. I think you can tell the difference between the styles. I am forgiving to a point on this issue.

Personally, if the first impression is going to be judged on what you have written whether in a profile or e-mail I think you should take the time to make sure that at the very least you have used proper punctuation, capitalization and for God's sake learn to write in paragraphs.

I see it like this...I take the time to read over what I have written and make sure it makes some sort of sense and is well written. I would expect the same or we may not be on the same level. I don't or rarely use text speak even when texting and when it's used in e-mail it makes me crazy.
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Criteria: Which Is More Useful When Dating?
Posted: 1/10/2010 12:06:42 AM

When it comes to dating...which is better to know? What you want, or what you don't want?


When I was younger (20 and under), I based dating on what I wanted...the cute guy with a cool car, bad boy persona but actually a nice guy.

Now at 42...it's easier to base dating on what I don't want or maybe it's easier to weed out potential dates. My don't wants are easier to define than my wants, the don'ts are difinitive while the wants are subjective.

Still would like the cute guy (cute to me anyway) and if he has a cool car (I mean classic/hot rods/muscle car), who is a good guy with a bit of a wild side (he knows how to have fun and isn't a couch potato). Just wondering where he is, if anyone sees him, send my way will ya?
 kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Too much pressure?
Posted: 1/9/2010 11:53:43 PM

That is why now I go on dates dress in my jammies. I even bring my remote control, my slippers and my cat. That way they will see me in my home glory.


Hey...you might be on to something...I have jammies, remote , slippers and at least one of the 3 cats would be good in a social setting...I gotta try this!

OT...I try not to over think things before a first date and expect that we are each nervous. I have that the nervousness goes away relatively quickly. Either your into the person so you start to let your guard down or the unfortunate non-attraction really eliminates the nervousness.
 
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