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 Author Thread: Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/13/2015 6:44:40 AM
Despite many comments on here that I would never leave and that I was just seeking attention... i want to say thank you.

Those of you who have never been in a situation like this, may not fully understand. Yes..i should have left at the first signs of trouble.. but I didn't. The dog issue was totally resolved and things got better in all areas until he sent me those messages.

I have moved out and though he has been calling, texting and stopping by...i haven't gone back and don't plan to. I do love this man...but i was not happy in the relationship. I have sought help for myself and I know things will feel better in time.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/9/2015 3:14:12 PM
Just to put everyone's mind at ease. The child is in NO way being harmed in any way. She is very well cared for and he is kind, caring and gentle with her always. Without a doubt he is a good father to her.

He has never been physically abusive toward me and please don't think for second that I would not run at the first sign of it. He has never made any threats toward me or his child...

I thank everyone for their concern and understand how you would advise me to seek the authorities, but i don't feel unsafe, nor do i think his child is in any danger at all.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/8/2015 6:20:06 PM
I do not think the child is at risk at all, or I would have 100% taken action immediately. As a matter of fact, he treats her very well and is a great father to her.

I should also note that he has type 1 diabetes, which may or may not be the reason for some of his highs and lows.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/8/2015 1:18:09 PM
No Vicki...he has not recently (in over ten years) been spit from an ex. He has his child 100% of the time. That is not the issue.

Also, i did not diagnose him with anything. I am on here seeking advice about whether or not to confide in his family about what he has shared with me. I think it is serious ....he is not stable.

I have made an appointment for myself to speak with someone, in the hopes of getting some guidance!
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/8/2015 1:12:00 PM
I guess my main reason for wanting to "unload" on his family is because maybe they can get through to him that he needs help. His mother did tell me last week that she fears that he may be depressed...so she knows something is up.

Maybe it's a bad idea, but that's why i posted here...wanted to get options before I reached out to them. I don't want to cause trouble. I truly care about his wellbeing.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/8/2015 1:07:10 PM
Yes, he is very attention seeking. I have been doing some reading on narcissistic personality disorder and though I am not a professional...he does fit several of the traits associated with that.

So confusing..
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Boyfriend shared something with me that is scary. Need advice
Posted: 7/8/2015 12:48:06 PM
I have been dating someone for just under a year. Our relationship has been a roller coaster lately and I have been noticing patterns in our relationship. He seems to get very down once every couple weeks (sometimes more). When he is in this state, he is very dismissive of me, calls in sick to work and continuously talks and texts about his feelings that no one sees how hard he works, how lazy other people are in comparison to him and how he needs to get his life in order, etc etc.
When this happens, I try and be as supportive as I can, but things usually end up in an argument. I can't put my finger on what sets him off. It can be anything...from someone not doing something he wants them to, to someone (mainly me) criticizing him or wanting to talk out an issue, or someone not showing him the respect he "demands."

This weekend, I was away with friends and before I left he was in one of his "moods." We texted for hours that evening and he told me some scary things. In a nutshell this is what he shared with me.
- he has been hiding his battle of dark, scary thoughts from me...something he has been battling for years
- he has "demons" and a "dark side"
- he has scary thoughts of harming others
- he says his thoughts would scare me "beyond belief" if i knew them all
- his love for his child is the only thing keeping him alive
- he knows he is "crazy" but doesn't care

He refuses to speak with a professional about this, stating he has in the past and they are never "as smart as he is."

My question: Do I confide in his family (sibling, and/or parents) and share with them what he has told me?
His mother and I have a close relationship, however, I was thinking of speaking to his sister first ...seeing as she may know already or have seen some of these signs...and I don't want to stress out his mother.

I"m not sure what to do to help him, if he won't take action himself. I fear our relationship will not survive this, because I can't handle the roller coaster anymore. Nothing I say or do seems to be good enough when he is in these moods.
He refuses to talk about this since he admitted it to me and says he wishes he wouldn't have told me, but i deserved to know.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 41 (view)
 
views on dogs living indoors
Posted: 1/10/2015 7:10:01 AM
CTRLvector: Thanks for your input. I agree with many things you posted. No one is wrong here...it is just a difference in options and views. He is not a bad guy because of this.

The issue was communicated...they talk about it endlessly, lately...since they are discussing cohabitation.
Both want kids, etc...so living together is the next step... living apart forever, will not work for either of them.
When she talked about how important this issue was to her and offered to make compromises...dog only in a specific area, dog outside during the day, etc. He was CLEAR about his feelings - NO WAY.
Her dog is afraid of him, hides and bow her head because he raises his voice around her and presents his "alpha" self in order to teach her dog that it is "HIS house"
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 40 (view)
 
views on dogs living indoors
Posted: 1/10/2015 7:01:48 AM
daynadaze: You did not read the post properly.....

she is not living there... nor is he a bad person for wanting to keep his dog outdoors. His dog had approprropriate shelter, gets attention and is fed daily. It just isn't how she wants to raise a pet... it doesn't make him wrong... they just have opposing views.....
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 1 (view)
 
views on dogs living indoors
Posted: 1/9/2015 2:38:29 PM
This is a sequel to a post I did months ago... and update and hopefully some thoughts from the ever so helpful pof forumers..

Dating someone for nearly 6 months now and talking about taking the next step - moving in together. Both partners have dogs. He views dogs as outdoor animals ,only and his dog lives partly outdoors and partly crated, in a heated shed.
She has her dog indoors.

The issue months ago, was him refusing to allow her dog into his home, because he felt it was "dirty" and made him feel uncomfortable, etc. Knowing it was an issue for his girlfriend, he agreed to try it her way. He allowed her dog into certain areas of his home and the dog was crated at night. He soon realized that this is wasn't going to work for him at all! He recently decided that her dog will NOT be allowed into his home, under any circumstance. It is to remain with his dog, outdoors and in a crate in the shed at night.
He find it "gross"
Thinks people who have pets indoors are "dirty"
it makes him feel "uncomfortable" and "disrespected" in "his" home.
He thinks she needs to "treat the dog like a dog" and put it outside for good.

He still wants her to move into his home.

She is struggling with this decision, and knows this isn't going to make her happy or comfortable...not to mention it never feeling like her place (given she moved in).

Is this a fundamental difference between two people, that makes them incompatible?
Is she selfish/foolish for considering leaving the relationship?
Neither person is willing to "give in" ....is this relationship at dead end?
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 36 (view)
 
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 5:00:49 PM
I am not offended, in the least. I find your posts quite entertaining.

This dog-related post, may be "insanely ridiculous," to you. To me, it is what I am living in the moment. I'm sure there are others out there who may find this useful, if ever in similar situations.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 32 (view)
 
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 3:49:46 PM
Hi everyone,

I am beginning to see that this is more than just the issue about my dog being allowed in 'his' house.
I wish getting a place together was a possible option for the future, but he just recently moved into a home where he would like to stay and raise his family. I don't blame him for that in the least. He makes me feel welcome in his home (aside from the dog issue) and i haven't gotten the sense that it will be his rules (again, aside from the dog issue). I also see his point about not wanting dog hair in the house, etc.

There is no compromise in this case. Either the dog lives in the house, or it doesn't. I offered suggestions, like i mentioned in my original postings, but they are all declined. My dog is 5 and only 40lbs..for those of you who were asking.

As for him wanting me to move in so quickly. I was VERY taken back by this, as I have never met a man who wanted to move so quickly and knows so clearly want he wants. I didn't see a problem with this, actually it was nice to have a man who communicates so clearly what he wants in life. The problem is that he hasn't been accepting or respectful of my opinion in this matter. He repeats that we need "a plan, a timeline." He wants kids and since I am "getting older" he thinks we need to move fast. I disagree and have stated that I am in NO rush. I want to wait until i feel secure in a relationship and know my partner as much as possible. Rushing into things, I don't believe, will do us any good.
He laughs it off and we have recently had an argument over this....me not wanting to move in now. He basically has told me I need to let him know my plan my Christmas. WTF
I guess the dog issue is just another thing we don't see eye to eye on.

It seems clearer now, by reading everyone's posts. Sounds like he and I need to have another talk and if he can't slow it down and understand my point of view, then our relationship won't last.
 Forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 14 (view)
 
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 7:44:00 AM
Thanks again! I agree that moving in with someone this early is a bad idea. He has been bringing it up a lot, Indicating we need a timeline Because of our ages, wanting kids. Etc. I disagree. I will not move I n with anyone this soon, because we are just learning about each other.
The dog issue is likely just the beginning of our differences ... Which is why I reached out here for advice.
 Forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 13 (view)
 
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 7:36:36 AM
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Just to clarify, no I didn't pull "a fast one" On him. He knew from the moment we began chatting that I had a dog and that she stayed indoors. He never commented it, other than telling me he also had a dog.
This issue only came up when I started staying at his house and discovered that my dog was not welcome indoors. He had even spent nights at my house, with my dog and never mentioned his views.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 1 (view)
 
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 9/30/2014 5:59:55 PM
Been with my boyfriend, who I met on this site since the end of July. We are both in our late 30s. Things have moved quickly - we became exclusive after a couple of weeks and things have been going really well. He says he is in love with me, could see me being his wife one day. There is ONE MAJOR ISSUE:

I have a dog and she lives inside my house. He knew this before we met and he didn't ever mention that he is totally against having pets in the house. He has a dog of his own, which is an outside pet only.

It is becoming an issue because he wants me to spend the weekend at his house and won't allow my dog inside at all. He says she can stay outside or in the barn. I have had friends or family watch her for the weekends, but I am not willing to do this any longer.

He wants me to think about moving into his house, since I rent (in the next few months). However, I am not willing to give up my dog or have her live outdoors. It doesn't matter how many times we discuss this, the conversation goes nowhere and he has even called me "crazy" for allowing my dog to be inside the house. I have never met anyone who is SO totally against this.....

Over the past couple of weeks, we have talked about this several times. I offered to compromise by keeping her off furniture and out of the bedrooms. He will not budge on his position at all.

The reasons he has stated for not wanting any pets inside the home are: "they are dirty", they will scratch his wood floors and they are met to be outdoors (they are "dogs not people").

I am at a fork in the road and need to figure out if this relationship can move forward. Part of me thinks that he is being controlling and this could be a red flag for other issues.... Or am I looking at this all wrong?
 
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