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 Author Thread: shes busy
 krn1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
shes busy
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:31:56 AM
OP: I read your post a little more closely. She is definitely playing head games with you and stringing you along (I would still venture to say as a payback). If she wasn't, and she were no longer interested then she would just say so. If I am not interested in someone I surely do not keep stringing them along, why would I? And, it is obvious by (how many attempts) that she doesn't want to really meet you or she WOULD find time and not take a chance of you giving up because of her "busy" schedule. She is enjoying this too much and sounds like she will keep this up as long as you keep asking.

Also, normally if you think someone has blown you off for a month and you do not believe their story (your's) then you would just tell them that you have moved on. You wouldn't string THEM along for a whole month. That person should not have that much importance in your life yet. Sounds like a very vindictive person.

I think we all (sometimes) spend way too much time trying to figure out other people's motives/reasoning and try to put it on ourselves (what did I do?). This is her "stuff" not yours, I would just move on.
 krn1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
shes busy
Posted: 8/26/2009 9:15:18 AM
I agree in that she probably thought you were blowing her off, and what she is doing is a passive-aggressive payback. Instead of being honest with you and maybe having the opportunity to talk thru it, she is paying you back in a passive/covert way.

Not a good start, if someone is that way in the beginning, odds are that is how they deal with any problems. It can become very confusing and hurtful if they do deal with their problems that way (because you never know exactly why you are getting it, and since it is subtle you can't really call them on it) and something you would want to stay away from. Believe me, I have been there.
 krn1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Googling Before a Date ?
Posted: 8/25/2009 11:55:29 AM
I read recently people lie because they are afraid... afraid of the consequences, afraid you will not like them, afraid you will not find his job impressive enough.

I think "most" people tell some lies at some time in their life. Understanding why they lied will help you understand the person, their fears, reasons, etc.. I don't think I would discard someone because they were trying to sound a little better. There are a lot worse things to lie about and that is something you can only find out about in time. I don't think trying to make himself sound a little more impressive indicates that he is a pathological liar. Heck, take a look at people's resumes' sometime! (smile)

I don't think I would call him on it, eventually if you guys continue to go out he will have to tell you, and you can be a good sport and just tell him that you like him for him and not for what he does for a living. Obviously he is insecure about it, or he wouldn't feel the need to beef it up.
 krn1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
How to forget someone that ......
Posted: 8/25/2009 7:21:48 AM
What helps (me)... Something Dr. Seuss said (can you believe it): Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. Thinking about the people in life that don't take risks or chances because it may not turn out well. I am always happy that I am the kind that will. It doesn't always turn out like maybe I wanted it to, but I learned something, about myself, life, or human nature, odds are I enjoyed many aspects of it and for whatever reason it did not work out, if you really break it down, it isn't anyone's fault, there is nothing wrong with you, or maybe even that person (sometimes it is and when it is, it is their stuff not your's and you should not feel as if it is).

I think sometimes we beat ourselves up for reasons that we shouldn't. i.e., "He lied" -so you are a trusting person. "Gave her too many chances" - so you are a forgiving person that realizes we are all human. "I should have stood up for myself more" - so you were a person trying to find the middle ground. And those are all good qualities..

I second what someone else said, in that there are reasons for people in our lives, and it may not always be to benefit you, but maybe the other person . if they are wise enough to realize there was a lesson to be learned then you have helped someone along in life, and if they didn't, well they will still be getting the same lesson over and over until they get it.
 krn1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Frozen during first phone conversation
Posted: 8/24/2009 2:10:15 PM
Although I have never had too much trouble chatting with people, occasionally I would stumble on someone where it was like pulling hen's teeth, so it does help if there
is someone who doesn't give one or two word answers and then silence!

I think just be natural, asking not too intrusive questions; kind of job, kids, what do you like to do for fun, etc.. usually a person will answer questions which will lead into a conversation and hopefully a natural flow from there. When it runs dry then just move onto something else that you would like to know about the person without it sounding like a job interview or, like I said, too intrustive.

Remember though, it is not all on you. And if they are maybe a little shy at first too, give it a couple of phone calls before you decide if it is a disaster.

Also, on the flip side, there are people that are nervous and overtalk. I almost didn't want to go out with someone one time because of that. After we got to know each other it turned out okay.

We are all in the same boat here, and even saying you are nervous will break the ice and they may be feeling the same way, admit to it and that creates a common bond.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
what percentage of relationships do you believe are unhappy and why?
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:26:55 AM
Not long ago, looked and talked to some friends that were in long term marriages and were happy.

what I found is:

the happiest one (although they fight, etc..) was the couple who went to counseling before they were married because of her family of origin. They went for 7 years -together. They have the best marriage I have seen.

Another long term (and they went thru some battles) were a couple who really desired to stay in it. They found the middle ground on some issues, they accepted some things in other areas (both parties) that although they were not happy about in the other, their desire to make it work was stronger than anything else. They too are a happy couple and have been married for many years. Some of the things that this couple put up with in each other took me back and I started questioning if I had that in me. Some big concessions were made by both, but in the end realizing that they were made by both and both realized that is what was key.

I do not know how many people are actually happy in their marriages.. as all the others have posted, people stay for all sorts of reasons. I think that what makes individuals "happy" in their marriages is different for everyone. What I would consider to make me happy or not, is different than what others need and want. I cannot judge those marriages just because what I would want would be different.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
A crazy sense of urgency and restlessness!!!
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:42:27 AM
Think we all go there now and then. No one wants to be the crazy old lady with 9 cats and nothing else! I think when we go there, we are projecting too far into the future, and not staying in the present . If it is meant for us it will happen, maybe not in our time frame and if it doesn't why waste today and not live it to it's fullest. I guess the easiest way is to project yourself into the future and see the regret - that we didn't find joy in the past while we were there because we were worrying too much about the future.... (does that make sense, too early in the morning for me)
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Am I a door mat?
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:26:07 AM
People who are giving, understanding, etc.. will get taken advantage of by those that have victim stamped on their head. There is a time to be helpful and then there comes a time when you are an enabler. He probably is looking for an enabler.

I knew I was emotionally healthy when I was seeing someone (briefly) who had a lot of old pain in his life and although I expressed my concern, I pretty much told him that I would not allow other people's crap (old or new) to have power over my life. I will be happy! As we were talking, he said something that gave me the impression we would not work out - why, because he was looking for someone to perpetuate his victimhood - not someone who might be willing to help him get thru it.

maybe you were giving off signs of the same.

Be glad he is gone.. He would have sucked the life out of you with the same results, because eventually the victim will resent you because of his dependency on you. Being an enabler will not make the victim love you more or be grateful and stay for all you have done.

If you think that you are a doormat, get some books on boundaries, how to set them, what is helping and what is enabling.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Spread some love
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:59:40 AM
^^^^^I agree! I know there are attention seekers, however, I feel so sorry for people who are in pain, need advice only to see them ripped to shreads by the lynch mob. Everyone is at a different place in their lives, wisdom, experience, etc..

so what if someone needs a little sympathy now and then. would it hurt to give it to them? I guess I should feel more sorry for those who feel the need to hurt others in their replies.. instead of replying something hurtful, why can't they just ignore it if it bothers them for whatever reason? - sounds like some people have control issues along with other issues.

And, what about empathy? Most of us have been there, what is wrong with reaching out a hand and lifting up someone else who hasn't reached the same level of experience?
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:10:21 PM
GPSsweatheart: I agree with you.. came from the same. Could cut like a knife and at a much younger age was proud that I "didn't let anyone get the best of me" But with age and wisdom I choose my words very carefully, try to (even in the heat of the moment) remain calm, explain myself and show respect. Although I have found with some who become immediately defensive, start yelling, and shifting focus, that I will inititally try to stay calm, but I will go there with them a little bit but then end the conversation because of where it is going.

The thing I am working on now, is to try to step back COMPLETELY when angry, and come back and try to discuss it when the anger is gone. I think that is a much better place to try to resolve problems from. I don't know if it is a good idea to seek resolution from a place of anger no matter how calmly I am doing it . I am still angry.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
-The Answer To All Our Problems-
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:40:08 PM

Lil Brooker:

ouch, ouch, ouch.... the one that I posted about above did that. Thought it was strange and my radar did go up, but THERE AGAIN, trying to say "well, everyone is different, and maybe some people can do that - love at first sight or whatever" I did just read that it is idealization - you are correct...

if you do not mind me asking, what disorder? The longer I was with him the more I wondered about him.

guess I should add another one to the post above
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
-The Answer To All Our Problems-
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:08:38 AM
#2, 4 and 8 for me in the last one. Been giving that a lot of thought... Why didn't I bolt sooner.

Because, odds are, 1) it was probably not real obvious in the beginning.. some of these things are insidious. 2) these type of people know how to (at least in the beginning) to over-compensate for these behaviors by being really great in other areas... So you look at the good, tell yourself no one is perfect (including yourself), until eventually the bad behaviors are far more obvious then the good ones, get out and then beat yourself up for awhile for not leaving sooner.

Also, at least with #2 (controlling) it is initially presented as "caring" After awhile you see that it is about a whole lot more.

You see it when you see it.... For some - they see it quicker, and others maybe it takes longer, or being in a specific situation to really see it. - for me, after 8 months of trying to work with it, went on vacation with his child and mine. Got a full dose for 6 days. Left a day early and drove 80-90 mph to get home. - no tickets, yeah for me...
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Should we accept who we are....or try to conform ?
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:45:02 AM
as some of the others have said, we should never stop growing. However, with that being said, I think it depends on where it is coming from. If it is coming from within and you have had problems in the past because of a certain behavior, yes it is time to step back and take a look and make some changes in your behavior. And, we should never stop trying to be better people.

if it is to follow the crowd or be what someone else wants you to be although you are comfortable with this trait yourself, then no. if it is a problem for them and they cannot accept it they need to move on.

I am okay with who I am basically, I have faults and there are those that I can work on and try to, and there are others that is just who I am and have come to accept that I will continue to do this.

I will try to step back when someone says I offended them and see if I was wrong or could have handled it differently but will still appologize regardless of how I felt I handled it simply because I have offended them in some way and didn't mean to.

It is about finding the balance in growth and acceptance.

the kind of person who says "that is JUST who I am" and has had MANY relationship failures because of that (whether they be at work, friends or in love) and maintains that and continues the behavior... well, all I have to say, is "how is that working for ya?" (yes, stolen for Dr. Phil, but still a great line!)
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
nitpicking, finding errors and correcting
Posted: 9/12/2008 11:23:27 AM
Dflower: one more thing that I picked up from another post, and want to share someone else's wisdom with you:

"The red flags are waving for a reason... it is just a matter of TIME UNTIL HE TRIES TO GET YOU TO CHANGE THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT MAKE YOU WHO YOU ARE. It is easier to get out now before he feels as if he has too much of a hold on you and really tries to make you feel even more uncomfortable, and even guilty about the way you see things.

that was huge for me. The guy I was dating was starting to go down that road.. his "detailing" had just started to include my personality.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
nitpicking, finding errors and correcting
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:41:01 AM
Desertflower: Irony of it with the guy I was with was that he always said his sister said that someday he would find someone who would accept him for who he was. Yet he could not accept anyone (including his own family & friends) for who they were. Sounds like you have talked to him about this and he refuses to see his impact on others (oh, BTW the one I was with was very charming too)..

I don't understand it either (well, actually I do now because I have read the book) and I too, am pretty laid back and accepting of others except for when I do not think they are respecting who I am. And, even with that, I will try to be understanding for awhile (or maybe it is making excuses) and try to see the good side. Sometimes though, you just have to see a person for who they really are and the impact their negativity has on your life.

Don't stop being who you are, just look harder at the guys who think they can take advantage of it. It is not always immediately obvious but it will surface and when it does that is the time to have the discussion and if they cannot see your side then you know this is not the person for you.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
nitpicking, finding errors and correcting
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:02:27 AM
OMG: I had to check and see where you were from to see if it was the same guy.

Read the book, Deal Breakers. He is a Man without fault. I dated him for 8 months, he constantly was find ing fault with my life. Had it just been that I would have left immediately but naturally it did not start out that way and was quite adoring at first. We were at the maybe 60/40 place when I realized I could not take it anymore. 60% fault finding and 40% "you are wonderful"... and realizing that eventually it would be the 100% fault finding.

It was little things, how I fed my dog to larger things, how I raised my daughter and everything inbetween. Sad part was that I no matter which way I did it, he always picked the opposite. If I did something for my daughter - I spoiled her, and if I didn't, "oh why don't you let her"... Also, NOTHING could be said to him, even about how he critical he was.. "I was making too big of a deal about it" "That is the way he is"

If it is someone you really care about, read the book, it will help you know how to address it with him, and if he has the ability to change based on his responses to you regarding it. The guy I dated, it was obvious that he was not going to change and I was the one with the problem because I was tired of it. This does come from low self esteem as others have indicated... good chapter of the book if you are with someone like that..

Evidently these are the type of people that are some of the hardest to have a relationship with because they often times have no self-reflection, do not see the impact they have on others and self-reflection is the same as criticism in their book and they are unable to deal with criticism. some irony there...
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How well do you know yourself?
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:28:03 AM
I have always been the type to stop and regroup. What went wrong, what was my part, his part, what could I have done differently, so forth and so on. I cannot go from one relationship to another.

I do not want to be in a relationship unless it is healthy.. I would rather be alone, period.

I recently bought a book, Deal Breakers because after the last relationship I knew that I needed to evaluate some things about myself. As you suggested, the type of man and more. After staying way too long in relationships I should have left, in my last one I came to the conclusion that if I cannot accept the person for who they are then I need to leave. Which I did.

So guess what, I then wondered if I bolted TOO soon. Deal Breakers is a good book in that it teaches you how to find that balance. I could have handled things a bit differently in this last one, but in the end, no, I gave it my best shot, tried to find the middle ground but it was obvious that the middle ground was not going to be found. Will I beat myself up for a bit, for not doing it 100% right, probably but as Maya Angelou says, when we know better we do better.

However, I do know that in the future - how to approach things a little differently in trying to find the middle ground, and when to feel good about staying in it or feeling good about leaving it.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 38 (view)
 
I always date the same man...
Posted: 9/5/2008 1:53:20 PM
goodgyrl; you are correct.. In the beginning there aren't any red flags, they come little by little (usually). I think that when you see them - being able to extract yourself from the situation before you get in too deep is maybe what you need to work on. However, there is something in the beginning that is still there that you are attracted to. It may be difficult to ever see from the onset, but being on alert for the red flags when they appear and knowing when to walk may be what you should try to develop.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
I always date the same man...
Posted: 9/5/2008 1:13:09 PM
I agree with Champrins. I have read many times different theories on the same subject. Sometimes it is because of our family or origin, could be because we had a good relationship as she said, but didn't really see the person, sometimes it is because we need to resolve issues with someone in our family that we never could so we choose someone like them in an attempt to resolve our childhood issues. Also, for some reasons we might like people with high risk behavior.. In that case they said pick someone who might take risks but not to the point to where it is destructive.

I think as the others said, until you know exactly why you choose the same man over and over you can't change anything. If it is a childhood issue, you may always seek to resolve that... There are a couple good books regarding that subject. But being aware is always the key.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
when am i expected to give up?
Posted: 9/5/2008 12:40:49 PM
You are caught in the cycle of abuse. The abuser does all of these things to make you feel worthless, eventually it does, then you think no one else would want you. That is the abuser's aim, so you stay and take more and feel even worse about yourself. He has low self-esteem and more. People that that feel good about themselves do not need to put others down - the abuser does this to keep you down and to feel better than you.

You need to get out for yourself and your kids. AND, seek counseling. No matter how long it takes. Until you can again feel good about who you are and what you want and need from someone/life you will keep attracting this type of man. The cycle - you get out, you feel worthless because of where you have been, so the next time you settle for the same or someone even worse because you feel like damaged goods and do not think you deserve better.

We all want to be understanding, give people chances and try be good people, however, based on what you said, this goes far beyond being an understanding person. The type of person you are currently with will not change and as long as you take it he will not only keep doing the same, it will get worse. I don't think you can ever make someone like this respect you. He doesn't have it in him and, he doesn't respect himself.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
I must love myself before I can love you
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:50:23 AM
I think it is a very true statement.. can cause all kinds of problems.. however, whether that is just an exit line or not, who knows. I agree with the others. People who do not love themselves will expect you to fill that void and still, they will not be happy because it has to come from within.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Pick one: Love or respect
Posted: 8/31/2008 6:14:13 AM
I agree with the poster above. You can respect without love but not love without respect. If someone tells me they love me but does not respect me (my time, my values, etc..) then I have to wonder if they love me. Not that they have to agree necessarily with all, but have a healthy respect for that which is not just like them. Those that don't, usually do not have respect for anyone's differences. I could never choose, because they have to go hand in hand to have the relationship work. If I am with someone who I love and find they do not respect me, it eventually kills the love that I once felt for them, and makes me wonder if they ever really loved me.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What are your joys of parenting?
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:59:19 AM
I have enjoyed each stage of my daughter's life. And, while there, I would always think how much I would miss the stage when it passes. But, as she has entered each new phase I come to find out how much I enjoy the new one and how although I think about the past phases on occasion I seem to roll right along.

She is a teen now and I love her and her friends zest for life, watching them and being involved (as much as she will allow) hearing about their lives and adventures. Plus, she and I have always been good friends and get along well. I love her sense of humor, her views on life and just enjoy having her as a friend.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
when to start dating?
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:44:54 AM
My ex and I split when our daughter was 5. I waited until she was 12. Mainly, because I felt it was her time, but also because I did not want different men in her life and because of lack of time, simply by being a single mom.

I don't know if there is a good time or a right time. Whatever is comfortable for you. I agree in that I would not bring a date around my child especially if the child is very young. Now my daughter is a teen, and although I do not introduce her until I am comfortable with the man, I no longer have to worry if she might get too attached, etc..
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Should a woman buy a man a drink on the first date?
Posted: 8/30/2008 3:52:56 PM
Okay, I agreed earlier that the way he said it was rude, and I wouldn't have liked it either although under normal circumstances have no problem buying.. but ...... Here is what I would have done..... Here is $$$, put it on the table, and walked out..
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Should a woman buy a man a drink on the first date?
Posted: 8/30/2008 8:06:26 AM
Yes.. I think a woman should at least offer. I am a child of the 70s and do not understand the concept that men should have to pay for a woman's company. I always offer if they are old school and insist on paying then I offer to at least leave the tip. And when dating or in a relationship have no problem with paying for dinners, etc.. Men have responsibilities the same as I do and I don't expect them to always pay my way. Now, would I have been put off if he said what he said before I got a chance to offer, oh yes! I think my first thought after that would have been that he is a scorekeeper.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Would you want to know? What do you think about this?
Posted: 8/29/2008 1:37:48 PM
I don't believe anyone can move on with a clean slate until they have come to the conclusion that it really isn't anyone's fault. Different people want different things.. doesn't make one right or the other wrong. Only time I would use the word fault is if there was abuse there. other than that, it is just a case of not being able to find the balance in the differences. I do think we should all be aware of the differences that we couldn't find the balance in from the previous relationships. Some things are negotiable in our lives and some things are not.. same for others. However, if we do not learn this from our previous relationships, we are doomed to repeat the past.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Emotiona/Physicial closeness
Posted: 8/29/2008 1:26:49 PM
I agree with djdj23... (lst page) but I don't think God did it as a joke, just think if everyone was in their prime at the same time... NOTHING would get done!!
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Would you want to know? What do you think about this?
Posted: 8/29/2008 12:09:39 PM
It is difficult to pay for the sins of others. Something to watch for. I didn't have to ask him about "her"... he had a lot of anger and had no problem expressing it. Red flag when I found out they had only been divorced MAYBE a year when we started dating.. Thought, "Oh well, everyone's different"... what I DIDN'T pick up on was that he never admitted ANY fault in the relationship at all. After almost a year, I realized that he was not going to let another woman do what she did to him. and... I was that woman... And believe me, when someone is not truly over the ex, they read a lot into what they think you are trying to do to them... There were passive-aggressive power plays, scorecards, etc.. and I cannot speak for others but it took me a long time to see it.

I agree with you op, when you are completely over it, I think you can discuss it without much anger, whether you think it was your fault, his fault or no one's fault, there probably isn't going to be an over abundance of anger there.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 278 (view)
 
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:52:24 AM
I had decided upon reflection from past relationships that if I couldn't accept someone as they were then I should get out.

I thought I was doing this quite well in the last one. Problem, he was a very critical person in general . I tried very hard to accept it... I did talk to him about it once.

We went on vacation with the kids, miserable week, constant criticism, just a mess.

I had enough, told him we were too different and walked away.

My regret is that I loved him and I wish now I had stepped back, prayed about it and tried to sit down and talk with him about it from a place of love and not anger, resentment and hurt.

It may never have worked anyway. But now I will never know that for sure because I did not handle it well. I will always remember this in the future, step back and take time and try to find resolution from a place of love and not anger.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Purpose Driven Life
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:19:23 AM
romanticoptimist: I thought about this long and hard yesterday, to make sure I was doing it for exactly the right reasons, and with no expectations.

Now, some might say I am really giving all of this way too much thought, but in an attempt to be a better Christian and do what I think God wants me to do, I wanted to make sure that was the reason, and without looking for any personal gain in it.

And, with everyone's help here, I do realize that I need to do what I think is right, and what I think God wants me to do, and leave the rest to him.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Purpose Driven Life
Posted: 8/27/2008 2:36:13 AM
gotalight:

I know how bitter this man is when someone breaks up with him. As I said, he does not see (or maybe he really does) his part in it.

The apology is very sincere in that I could have/should have done things differently. I am sorry for the way I handled it. I have no control over him, how he feels or conducts his part of it. I feel this is a life lesson that I learned. (to not react in anger, step back, pray and come back and talk about it when emotions are not running so high)... Nor, do I expect anything in return (i.e. an apology). Also, I feel if I put in the letter that I forgive him, given how he is, it may just make it worse. (i.e. "I didn't do anything to be forgiven") I would also be concerned that by saying to him that I forgive him he might take it as I am now saying that it was okay (the things he did)... or say, "I didn't ask you to forgive me"

Everyone's advice has been very helpful, I think I am going to go ahead and send it today... Thank you all so much.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Purpose Driven Life
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:53:44 PM
Dunrich: It was the women who left him

The chapter were it says to make amends, says we should try to heal the pain caused by the "rift" for lack of a better word. It did say that we should not be doormats and allow people to treat us that way, (whatever it is) but that we should try to approach these things without the anger, etc.. and if we did do it in anger to apologize for the anger, not for whatever the problem is.

I did originally think that maybe he did need to hear what I said, and although I never was rude or ignorant about it, my purpose for saying the things that I said was because I was hurt and angry, not to try to find resolution. And, based on his reaction, it was obvious that I was not the first one to tell him these things.

I do not know if all things happen for a reason, but whenever something does happen in my life I have always looked to see what the lesson was in it for me to learn.

Thanks to all of you guys for giving me some food for thought. Will process it and decide what to do. The letter is already written but will hold onto it for a day or so.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Purpose Driven Life
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:45:01 PM
Been reading the above. Ended a relationship a few months ago, for what I felt were valid reasons (and still do).. However, the things I said (although not mean or ugly) I realized were not said in an effort to restore the relationship but out of hurt and anger. After reading the chapter about making amends, etc... I was thinking about sending a letter, apologizing for not doing what I should have (stepping back and praying) before I spoke. I want to apologize for the right reasons, and have no expectations about what the apology may evoke, etc... just basically want to say that I should have handled it differently than I did.

I started thinking though, that this man has had two wives walk out on him and never once did I hear him say that he took responsibility for any of the problems. All I ever heard was about how horrible they were.

Now I am wondering if apologizing for my part in how it ended is the right thing to do. Should I do the right thing and let God handle his part, or will apologizing to somone who never takes responsibility only perpetuate his victimhood. I do not, in the written apology, apologize for what I said, but for the way I said it and the reason I said it.

Anyone have any ideas? Am I messing in God's business if I don't send the letter? Part of me says to do the right thing for the right reasons (and I am sorry) and another says that I am apologizing to someone who always takes the victim stance and my apology might be a reinforcement of that viewpoint.

PLEASE, only serious helpful answers, I am struggling with doing the right thing.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Lost in the Forest
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:17:50 AM
You know, many years ago, I felt the same way. One day as I was driving to work, I thought about how I didn't know how to move beyond this pain and be happy. A thought occurred to me to try to be as happy as I could with the pain, because, honestly, I thought I would always feel it. Funny thing happened, once I accepted it, and began enjoying the simple things in life while still in pain, the pain started going away. I think acceptance of something pain, fear, etc.. is sometimes the key to moving beyond it.

You will move between the 5 stages of grief, not in a straight forward line, but a zig zag one. You will have great days where you just know you are over it all, then you will have a bad one. But eventually, each time you do, you will start to notice that the pain is not quite as bad as it was the last time. You will have a lot of firsts, and with a child together there will be the reminders there as well. Start noticing how far you have come instead of where you still are, and you will be surprised (really) at your progress.

Also, you will still hope against hope that you will get back together, but that too fades in time.. And although I was the one to end it, with a child involved, you will always wish that you could have made it... Even though logically, you know it was for the best.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
God helped him Find Me
Posted: 8/26/2008 10:11:46 AM
posters six, seven and eight
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
God helped him Find Me
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:58:54 AM
I don't know... From what I understand, God does want to be in our lives, and helps us when we ask him to if it is in his plan for us. Sometimes, God says no and knows why, we just don't. I am very happy for you...
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Little Messages.
Posted: 8/25/2008 2:30:07 PM
You are 100% correct in that communication is essential.. been there/done that with someone not that long ago. Sounds like you did your best and maybe all the others are correct, I would TELL her you are going to block her! I would not want the constant irritating reminder of whatever game she is playing....
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Little Messages.
Posted: 8/25/2008 1:40:42 PM
Sounds like she is testing the waters. Does sound passive-aggressive but probably is uncomfortable getting to the point for some reason. Also, it sounds as though she wasn't comfortable enough in the relationship to point out some minor problems and try to work thru them.

If you really like her and think there was something there, be direct with her, ask her why she is still contacting you and if you both agree there is something there maybe you can work thru the minor stuff. your call. If I still had feelings for that person, I certainly would. Sometimes, there are misunderstandings and until one person is brave enough to say something, something good might just slip by. And, if not interested, I would either block her (if you can), ask her to stop emailing or ignore until she gets the hint.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:02:12 AM
As others have suggested you are both young and you have had to mature more quickly because of your responsibilities.

However, that being said, he knew your circumstances when he decided to bring you into his life and with that comes everything else. He truly may not know the importance of this to you because he has not experienced it himself yet. I think you should talk to him about it, see how it goes and if changes don't occur, then you need to really look at the situation as it is and decide for yourself if you are willing to be in a relationship with someone who does not have the same emphasis on what is important in life as you do. This may or may not change as he matures, and this is something you will have to decide if you want to take a chance on.

As far as the moving.. yes, he should want to be there for you as you would be for him, I think that one is a no-brainer. I would talk to him about that as well, letting him know how it makes you feel. If, as stated above, he continues not to be there for you when it is needed or important to you, then you have a lot to think about.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
why is this happening again?
Posted: 8/23/2008 7:21:30 AM
Guess you could go two ways... the friendship route, hoping it turns into something more down the line.. but that includes a lot of guessing, hoping, looking for signs of more, etc.. Or just go ahead and put it out there knowing that it could go either way. The question I would ask myself is, if the answer is no and she just wants to be friends will it now make it uncomfortable and do I value the friendship (although new) and not want to lose it if the answer is no. If you really like this girl and you do not say something will you regret it later... never having taken the chance to find out if it could have been more.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 63 (view)
 
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:14:03 AM
Sushi-Girl:

Telling someone and treating someone as if they over-reacted to something they found offensive makes the other person feel as though you do not care about their feelings.... Following it up with the "princess" remarks only probably sealed that deal. - teasing someone and calling them names only makes it much much worse, because now you have offended somone and following up with ridicule about how they felt.

We don't know other people's specific boundaries until they tell us in some way (i.e. reaction) at that point the mature way to handle it is to apologize to the person. To say to someone either directly or indirectly that "you over-reacted" is saying that the rest of the world should view as you do and if you do not - you are wrong. No one's feelings are wrong - period... Now, later on I might think that I over-reacted to someone and tell them so, but at the particular point in time... This is how I feel and that should be respected. It is up to me to decided if I over-reacted. Others cannot tell me how I should or shouldn't feel.

I am sure there are things that you would find offensive that others would not.. should how you feel be blown off because others wouldn't find it offensive. Nope

In a sense you are correct though.. it probably wasn't as much about the gay/princess line as it was a strong indication that she does not have respect for what he thinks is important in life, and might end up being ridiculed in the future when there were differences. People do not always agree but respecting other's ways, feelings, etc.. is crutial in finding the balance in the relationship.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
why is this tactic used?
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:53:36 AM
I agree with those that say it is an attempt to avoid hurting feelings. I have never done that and wouldn't.... But, after a couple of dates, have realized that I didn't think it would work out, so would struggle with how to tell the person and try to find the lease offensive way to do so. However, on the other hand, if I get even the slightest indication that someone is not all that interested, I move on with no hard feelings. I realize that I am not attracted to everyone and everyone is not attracted to me.. but have a hard time telling others if I am not interested in them.

Like someone above, have had the type that can't take no for an answer, can't get the hint, etc.. and I wonder about that kind of person, maybe they have watched too many movies
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 45 (view)
 
is it all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:18:09 AM
These things tend to spiral out of control, don't take it personally, I have seen it many times, including one thread I wrote.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:26:04 AM
You know, you do remind me of the guy I was dating. Sometimes he would say the most insensitive things imaginable. Sometimes I would wonder how he couldn't know they were insensitive, especially knowing how sensitive he was (not saying you are, don't know that about you). Sometimes he would jokingly say things and sometimes they would be teasing, sometimes it was a way to get a point across or to get back at me.

It maybe the type of personality, I am not sure, but now that you do know this about yourself, try to learn how to take a few seconds before you say something, and ask if you think this could be insulting to the other person, and if there is any doubt, don't say it.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
is it all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:12:46 AM
since we can't unring a bell, but hopefully learn, and move forward is about the best we can do. I am not certain how.. Not everything needs to be said, and we have to understand also why do we NEED to say it. Is it from a hurt that you feel you experienced from the person or what. Realizing that we cannot "fix" everyone to be like we want, or like us I think is key. I guess I would start with what do you find offensive and wouldn't like said to you.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:04:50 AM
This may be the reason that he didn't try to resolve this with you. It appears you have a really hard time accepting other people's boundaries by asking "why couldn't he just have said??..." Everyone is not the same, and maybe you would not have taken offense to having something like that said to you not once, but twice, there are those who would. Having understanding and empathy for others who are not "just like you" is very important in all relationships. People who think/say stuff like, "you shouldn't have felt that way" is not showing consideration for other people's feelings. And, we all want to think that are feelings are important to people who are a part of our lives.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
is is all my fault?
Posted: 8/22/2008 6:04:12 AM
I think that was a bit much. I always think there are lines we just do not cross, kidding or not. Now, everyone is different and has different lines, but I think just generally speaking a good deal of the population knows how far to go. The fact that you asked if he was gay then followed up with the princess remark was probably too much for him, as I think it would have been for anyone.

I dated a guy who did not know boundaries and felt he could say anything he wanted to me, however, nothing could be said to him, kidding or not.

There is teasing and there are passive-aggressive digs. What you did sounded more like the 2nd.

I also truly believe you have to be very careful what you say to people. Thinking before we speak, knowing that once it is out there it can never be taken back, is important no matter how sorry we are for the remark.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 46 (view)
 
How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:23:34 AM
Lil Brooker:

You are so correct... Some years back read a book (can't remember the name) that said that we WILL attract into our lives the person from our family of origin that we had the most difficulty with or unresolved issues. And, the book also indicated that if both parties are mature enough to work thru those issues together that they will not only have a successful relationship but will heal their past as well.
 KRN1994
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
What should I do?
Posted: 8/20/2008 1:34:15 PM
I see you have long term on your's. What does he have on his? I think asking this question too soon kind of scares some people. Personally, if you are looking for long term and no one has suggested getting off of the site after a few dates, I think I would ask him if he just wants to casually date and if so, then you know where to go from there. You might not want to toss him out if he says casually, because it could grow into something down the road.
 
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