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 Author Thread: Pen Pals???
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Pen Pals???
Posted: 4/3/2014 12:46:42 PM

I tend to take it all in stride and don't take things personally, but after considerable experience with the on-line dating world (4 times over the last 10 years), I find it incredibly fantastical that a great many men here believe that all women receive dozens of messages every day, etc. (this is the magical, winged unicorn of internet dating). Even when my profile was not hidden, I initiate most contact, and many are not even acknowledged with a "thanks, no thanks" reply.


The "top" women can get 50+ messages a day early on, the mid range get 10-20, and then the bottom range get nothing but weirdos every blue moon, the same as the "average" man.

"Levels" are determined by things like weight, age, kids, etc.

When guys say women are getting all the messages, they're generally talking about "average" and above women 18-35.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 126 (view)
 
FWB is it possible
Posted: 3/19/2014 9:25:31 AM

what is so hard to understand about 2 adult friends that have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with each other, or anyone else....that choose to share intimacy every now and then ???


The person that questions it can't do it, or has no one that wants to do it with them (which is why their personal experiences are always F**kbuddies - they never had legitimate friendships with a physical attraction they didn't auto-want a relationship with). So instead of saying other people have something they're unable to, they pretend it doesn't exist.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 349 (view)
 
Beards??? What is going on?
Posted: 3/5/2014 7:29:28 AM

I feel fortunate to live in an area where bearded men do well with women.


That's any large metropolitan area or major city since beards are popular among creatives, intellectuals, and urban professionals, and kind of signify that when paired with stylish-enough clothing.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 234 (view)
 
men outnumber women on dating sites Fact? or Myth?
Posted: 2/20/2014 5:36:22 AM
To be fair, the pay rate for men on match is slightly worse than women. This is evened out by the "rotating scammers" on Match (Match removes scammers after enough reports, so an hour or two, but then a new scammer profile cycles in, and repeat. For some reason, scammers target that site more than all)

But yes, as we went over early, most men -do- adjust for body types/age, which shifts the results ridiculously. In my immediate area, average and thinner is something like 10-1 men to women, but spreading it to all types, and it becomes something like 4-1.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 232 (view)
 
men outnumber women on dating sites Fact? or Myth?
Posted: 2/20/2014 1:42:19 AM

msg #427 - women have all the control? BS. We have no influence over who talks to us, and I have contacted guys I'm interested in (and no, they are not the hot studs either), and get blown off just as much. I put a lot of effort and energy into my profile, into signaling interest, actively reaching out, talking to men, but have had no luck in almost two years. Sure, I had a few short term relationships, but they were short because the guys either lied, cheated or put zero effort into the relationship. So back to square one, and weeding through tons of messages from guys I'm not attracted to, or who just want sex, or who fade away after a few messages. I can count the men I met online and who I actually liked (but who all turned out to be a bad choice after a while) on one hand. Yes, it's been just awesome for me.


He's in the worst demographic for online dating for men - you're older, and dealing in entirely different demographics, where the pendulum starts swinging back towards males.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 2/19/2014 6:53:08 AM

I guess i just dont understand how a guy can tell someone that they are beautiful, fun, love hanging out with you, you're a great person, best friend and they love hooking up with you..and still dont want to be in a relationship


I know a few women like that (minus the "best" part of that friendship there), and the reason is, they don't have the unique qualities that would make me fall in romantic love with them. For some, they're aesthetically attractive, but not the type of look that really sparks my artistic side and makes me want to paint them over and over again. They might be fun to hang out with, but they aren't so exciting to be around that I think about being with them when they're not there. The sex may be good, but it's not so great that I want to go back for more that night, etc.

Basically they're good, but not good enough (for me) to cut off other possibilities. I can get more from some woman in the future, so there's no reason to settle for this woman that isn't as good a match for me as I can get. That's why they would be a friend as opposed to a relationship (similar to how some people are friends but not best friends).
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 2/18/2014 6:46:27 AM

This is guy speak for "he just isnt feeling it."...or "he doesnt want to be tied down."


More specifically, this is what men tell women when the woman is only in the "looks good enough to have sex with and I like hanging out with her" range as opposed to "someone I want to be exclusive with and possibly spend the rest of my life with her" range. For lack of better term, he basically thinks you're slightly below his league for a serious relationship, and he tells you the reverse because he cares about you enough to try and save your ego about this.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Worst Valentine's Day ever
Posted: 2/16/2014 6:35:39 PM

It wasn't a dig at that race, but since I'm not of that race, the expectations (cultural expectations) may be different.


What was being said/pointed out was that race literally tells you nothing about anyone or their culture on an individual level. So, for instance, Indian immigrants and first generation children Indians TEND to carry over a lot of cultural expectations from the cultures of India. However, when you meet an Indian person, they might be from England or Canada or have been in the U.S. generation-ally longer than your family and be from a completely different culture than you'd expect. There's literally no way at all to make a race-person correlation on an individual level. That's why making snap race judgments or expectations is always stupid.

The drama thing was that, given that there were like 15 different ways to avoid this situation going on as long as it did, there must be some subconscious basis of not mitigating it. For instance, who lets someone pick them up for a first meeting in 2014, especially when they had negative feelings about the way the meeting was going? It doesn't make any sense unless the possible drama is what you were actually craving.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Worst Valentine's Day ever
Posted: 2/16/2014 12:06:32 PM

Dude is not Hot, he is even from a race I don't date, this date is further confirmation to not even try to date outside of my race, the expectations are way different.


This is just a lack of experience and worldliness. Race has nothing to do with personality as a default - only sheltered and clueless people think that. Culture does, to a degree, but cultures throughout the world cross over in every aspect (and those cultures include all races).

As for the (long) date story, reading it all together, it's obviously a case of subconsciously, or even consciously going into a bad situation just for the drama of it due to craving the attention that comes from the drama.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Post-First Date Call Situation
Posted: 2/14/2014 10:37:37 AM
Trying to kiss at the end of dates is generally not a good idea for the first time. It's too expected, and awkward, and there's normally a thinking period there. Do it mid date, in the middle of having an existing good time. It's more spontaneous, makes you look more aggressive, and you generally don't get the awkward reaction from nervousness.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 209 (view)
 
men outnumber women on dating sites Fact? or Myth?
Posted: 2/12/2014 6:23:31 AM
It's 5:1 ACTIVE men vs. women depending on site/demographic in many cases. For instance, Match's woman count is bolstered by the daily fake profiles that pop up before they are deleted later that date - you always have a number of cycling "fake" profiles per location because of the scammer-delete-new scammer profile thing that happens there every hour. When AFF was an actual "dating" site, the ratio was something like 50-1 male/female, with, often, almost every woman in areas between 20-30 being a scammer, cam service, or escort service.

25-35 is probably the most imbalanced male/female ratio on this site, and with active profiles, it is probably 2/3-1 or so with active profiles depending on area.

What skews perception, though, is if you were to control for certain aspects - ie. things like weight or number of kids (since many men search for women average or less and with 0 kids), it gets as high as 10-1 in that demographic with those controls set in. if you reverse that search (looking for guys average and "below" with no kids) and compare it to women aged 25-35, you can see those 5-1 ratios that people often proclaim in some areas (especially medium-large cities with huge income disparities).
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Cancelling a Date
Posted: 2/10/2014 9:58:12 PM

As others have said, what is with all the texting? Dont people actually want to hear a voice of someone they are planning to meet??


No. there's no reason to. You have nothing more in detail to talk about pre=MEET that hasn't been covered in your initial few emails outside of date, time, and possible cancellations, which can all be handled easier and more prudently via text. Once you actually know each other, and have an actual connection and things to talk about, a phone could work when you can't actually see each other face to face.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 106 (view)
 
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/10/2014 9:37:13 PM

It's really frustrating as a "nice guy" or "gentleman" to see how many women seem so jaded to wonder if there are any gentleman out there. There are in fact lots of us out there, but we aren't the ones sending tons of messages, trying to pick you up at the street corner, and you certainly won't meet us at the bar!


You don't go to bars with your friends to meet up and have a drink or watch a game? You don't meet groups of women with said friends when you're out? I know quite a few people who have met at a bar and have actually married some legitimately nice people? What do bars have to do with anything?

Or are you confusing "introvert that never goes out to social places" with "nice?"
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Do You Do Drugs??
Posted: 2/8/2014 12:11:30 PM

OK, OK, here you go:

Never did drugs.
Never smoked anything.
Never abused alcohol.
Never was overweight.
Never skipped working out.
Never had a date.
Never got laid.

So what's wrong with this picture. Everyone knows women HATE nice guys, but what about us good guys?


Those things only equate to "good" in your own mind.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 112 (view)
 
Woman who sucks at sex!!!!
Posted: 2/6/2014 11:27:17 AM

Men are just as likely to make these same errors as women.

- Can't keep a rhythm/throws off your rhythm (bottom line is what works for one, might not work so well for the other)
- Maneuvers himself at angles that don't stimulate the right part of the vagina (he's going for his pleasure, not focusing on hers/theirs)
- Doesn't go along with hints and you trying to maneuver him for max stimulation (see previous notation)
- Bad penis shape that makes it hard to work with in certain angles (uhhuh.. I went there)
- Too big (making the startup too long) or too small (no friction) (yup, I went there too)
- Won't have sex without condoms even when both people are tested in a long-term relationship (Um.. BIRTHCONTROL... condoms aren't just for disease prevention, not to mention some women have allergies to semen and not using a condom can cause some serious issues for them)
- Does or says things that throw you out of the mood mid act ("my ex would have come by now.. what's taking so long?"... said after performing less than 5 minutes of oral on me by a former partner... I'm convinced his ex faked her orgasms)
- Insists on sexual positions that don't stimulate the woman as much, complains when maneuvered into any other positions besides the ones he wants (yup.. had a few partners like that)
- Orgasms too quickly then quits after (yes, this happens) (I have NEVER heard a man complain about a woman orgasming too soon... I have had more than a few complain I took too long.. but then they were messing with the rhythm, pressure, stimulation I needed to get off..)
- etc. etc. etc.

Honestly, with a list like yours, it would generally put you into the category of someone that doesn't care too much about your partner's pleasure. I've had partners like you in the past. They don't last long in my bed.

My partner makes a point of pleasing me because doing so pleases him, and ultimately I will do what is needed to make sure he's as happy as I am.


So, wait, you quote a post that is literally a response to "I don't know how women can be bad in bed," that lists possible ways in which the sex could be unsatisfying on the male end - by trying to turn it back on men , and then says making a list like that means that I don't care about my partner's pleasure.

What. In. The. World.

edit: I mean...what does your response have to do with anything? Why bring "men can be bad too" into the equation, as it's a useless response in a topic that is 'women can be bad too.'

It's like there's a topic that says "girls can like sports too," and someone comes in and responds, "so can men!" What?

-------------------



It's no secret that it's easier for a man to orgasm than for a woman,


Not true. Only when talking about averages. Which is irrelevant when it comes to the individual.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 108 (view)
 
Woman who sucks at sex!!!!
Posted: 2/6/2014 9:17:24 AM

But seriously folks, how can a woman suck at sex? I figure if they show up for the date in the first place, I'm doing pretty well!


- Can't keep a rhythm/throws off your rhythm
- Maneuvers herself at angles that don't stimulate the right part of the shaft
- Doesn't go along with hints and you trying to maneuver her for max stimulation
- Bad vaginal shape that makes it hard to work with in certain angles
- Too tight (making the startup too long) or loose (no friction)
- Won't have sex without condoms even when both people are tested in a long-term relationship
- Does or says things that throw you out of the mood mid act
- Insists on sexual positions that don't stimulate the man as much, complains when maneuvered into any other positions besides the ones she wants
- Orgasms too quickly then quits after (yes, this happens)
- etc. etc. etc.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 366 (view)
 
Biggest Pet Peeves for online dating
Posted: 2/6/2014 7:27:25 AM
Nobody has time to answer hundreds of emails, nyceguy.

If you improve your profile enough so that you get a bunch of women you're not attracted to out of the blue, you'll start "ignoring" them as well, for multiple reasons. Half of the time, you just see that you get a message on your phone while out and then legitimately forget to respond at another time, just due to the lack of interest.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 103 (view)
 
Woman who sucks at sex!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2014 1:44:52 PM
This thread is kind of funny. The funniest part are women responding thinking that bad = not doing actions/just laying there. Women thinking -that's- the only way to be "bad at sex" shows why so many women are bad at sex.

But, like others said, when a good percentage of men are so happy to actually be with a woman that they orgasm no matter what - it all starts to make sense. I have had women say "you're the first person I've never made orgasm," which makes me wonder how she possibly turned guys on with her lack of coordination/etc.

The key to sex on both sides is basically communication with both parties, and a willingness to work with the other partner. But because so many people are afraid to/of criticism, that doesn't happen, a lot.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Are there any gentlemen out there?
Posted: 2/4/2014 7:02:55 AM

This is one of the most common complaints from women today.... you don't know how many times I have to tell guys not to talk about serious subjects early on in dating, particularly sex... it's a very personal and private subject between lovers... and women are like slow-cookers... it takes several dates for their love level to rise enough for that, at the very least!

Also the men should not be touching a woman unless she touches him first, and then only sparingly, particularity before that first kiss. Can you say octopus man?!


Those aren't rules, they're just generalizations. Charming men can talk about sex and "touch women first"; the issue is that most men aren't charming enough to do so, so they shouldn't attempt it.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/29/2014 5:20:25 AM

When someone's friend zoned, it means They're Not Attracted To You. It's on the same level as "Buddy", the nerdy nice guy that works with your gal-pal at her work who she tried setting you up with. It does Not mean "Jack", the hot bartender who is seeing someone right now so you keep things at bay.


True, but sometimes the assessment of a person has an effect on the attraction. For instance, you could find someone completely attractive, find out a killer issue in their personality, and completely lose that attraction. Oh, this woman is hot...she's homophobic...hotness depletes entirely, would never even consider anything with her from this point on. Or similar.

Your distinction is correct - it is a matter of "attracted to"; but that's something that can be fluid and influenced by more than the initial. That's also why some people get put in the theoretical friendzone - the person would be somewhat attracted initially, but the personality kills any attraction that they would have as they get to know them.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Is the friendzone even real...
Posted: 1/28/2014 12:57:03 PM

'Friendzone' is when a woman wants to be friends with you, but not with your penis. As my penis and I come as a coordinated set, I'll have no truck with such women. Who needs a woman as a platonic friend anyway? What are we supposed to do together, paint each others' toenails?


Women have interests and tastes as varied as men do, and, by default, there are women out there that share as many or more direct interests than your closest male friends.

Since you apparently don't know of any, you must be doing something wrong to turn them off from associating with you in the first place. Possibly if you make weird statements like the quoted in public in earshot of others.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 335 (view)
 
Biggest Pet Peeves for online dating
Posted: 1/28/2014 6:25:17 AM
Statistically, having one or two smiling photographs in a group increases response rates for male profiles (and does nothing for female profiles). As stated, the reasoning is obvious - it works on a subconscious level in making him look like someone people like being around, which makes him more desirable to varying degrees.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 271 (view)
 
Biggest Pet Peeves for online dating
Posted: 1/22/2014 12:25:01 PM
The etymology of professional comes from around the 18th century to divide those with skilled-and-learned-for-the-time professions as compared to people who did just was determined as labor. It is too varied of a term to get much use now because very few people want to be known as a laborer and will not describe themselves as such.

<div class="quote"> And why are doctors put on such a high pedestal? They make decent salaries, but not spectacular, and are always complaining about not having enough time. Plus, who wants to stick their hand into body cavities of strangers?! The job does not look so glamorous now, does it?! Lot's people are into status!

Because their job, especially as a specialist, takes more years of training than most other jobs. Less people have the ability to be a doctor than a janitor. So it's more praised. It's not about salary.

Scarcity breeds respect.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 189 (view)
 
men outnumber women on dating sites Fact? or Myth?
Posted: 1/21/2014 6:27:23 AM
We all know what happens when alcohol loosens the inhibitions but if a guy has a drink and I prefer to have a soft drink, what difference should that make to you? What if the woman is an alcoholic and cant ever touch it again? You would dismiss her on those grounds? Not if she were hot, I am betting!!! If you make an ass out of yourself you dont want her to remember it in the morning either, is that it?? lol


Why would I care if she were hot? There are plenty of hot women that were/are currently interested in me that I don't want to date for various reasons, and that stands true for other guys in this thread as well. Why would "she's hot" override personality/lifestyle issues?

Also, you fail to comprehend the difference between "prefer a soft drink" and "adamantly against drinking."
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 188 (view)
 
men outnumber women on dating sites Fact? or Myth?
Posted: 1/20/2014 1:54:36 PM
I'm also with Outmind on the drinking thing. It's either based on a general uptight - judgy-ness (and a fear of relaxing oneself, which is a huge issue in dating), or huge issues in the past that are brought back out every time they see you drink. I also love a matching wine with a good meal; it enhances flavors, is healthy at times, and is a slight relaxer/mood changer that enhances the evening in general. To have someone sitting across from you obviously reading into that in a negative way is irritating (and I've seen it happen enough to not even bother).
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 125 (view)
 
What you've learned about online dating after 90 days...
Posted: 1/17/2014 11:49:39 AM

you disappoint me, mon ami, considering the "realist" in your name. it's more like "a handful every month" rather than "handfuls every few days" - but only for those VERY few, VERY *attractive* (by conventional standards) women who are over 40.


Your personal experience is possibly different as you list yourself as BBW, which many men filter out of their searches.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 80 (view)
 
What to say on the first message?
Posted: 1/16/2014 10:54:05 AM
I'd like to know what abmccray says in his first messages, since he claims to have a 1:1 ratio of returns on all his messages. He must have an amazing line of bull for every lady to be returning his messages.


How I message people was listed in the very same post you're getting that from. Why are you so confused?:


Outmind is correct. In the past couple of months, I've messaged women that would fall under the "top 5%" or whatever on a different site, aged 24-35, and am at a 1-1 response rate. I'd say I messaged 20 people over that time and started 20 conversations.

Adding to what Outmind said:

- Look at activity dates. A lot of people message non or barely active women. Only message people that were active recently (I typically do one day).

- If a woman has entirely different interests than you, you probably shouldn't message them. I don't message women who take pictures with guns and cowboy hats while saying they love country music. The chances of us connecting (and her being interested in me are so relatively low that it's not worth the effort in those cases.

- On the opposite end, I'm more likely to message women that are interested in things I do/like/experience. And my messages are entirely about those specific things. "Just moved downtown..." in a profile? "I just moved downtown as well, how are you liking it here, I always hang out (in some specific spot) since coming down, been there?" A Graphic Designer? "How's the graphic design world treating you; I did that a few years ago, I found that I enjoyed this part of the field but not that part." Etc. Typically 2-3 sentence messages about a common connection in the profile that you're actually familiar with.

- That also means that profiles that don't have anything in, I don't message. Or, if I'm out and drinking or something, I'll send a one word message like "hamburger" because that's the kind of response a profile like that should get :)


In other words, be selective about who you message, and then only message people about specific topics that you actually know something about.

If you parse all that as "an amazing line of bull," it could probably explain why returns on messages are not similar on your end.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 229 (view)
 
How do you get a womans attention in the real world
Posted: 1/16/2014 10:01:06 AM

Why does being from the United States give them an advantage? Is it because the woman wants a ticket to come and live in the United States? That's the only difference I can see between a foreign man and a North American man.


- Standard of living. You can easily afford some of the best ocean front property in, say, South Africa on an upper-middle salary in the U.S. To people in a ton of countries, middle/upper middle Americans (and other Western countries with similar standards) go from anywhere from wealthy to TREMENDOUSLY wealthy.

In other words, it's their way of getting the equivalent of all those women that the claim are looking for guys with 6+ figure salaries here. They're after the same "gold diggers " that they complain about here, only in other countries.

-Rarity. In places with very few people from the U.S. around, people from the U.S. stand out. Especially if you're a race that becomes a minority elsewhere. Therefore, you can get more attention just specifically via being a fetish. ie. if 10% of the women in the country have an American fetish, and there is only 1 American around at the time, then they can have a good chance with those 10%.

- All of that "women are much better in other countries" is a smokescreen. America is one of the most culturally diverse places out there with huge shifts from state to state or even city to city. Any "type" of woman is out there. It's just the idea of EASE of attaining someone - doing it with the least work possible.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Not offending mature women?
Posted: 1/16/2014 5:49:12 AM
I don't understand that. I was out asked out once by a guy who didn't like my no reply and he called me a "big fat bish" before he stalked away angrily.... all 5'10" and 103 pounds of me. Before I could wipe the tears of laughter away, some cheeky guy with a big grin came up and said "So, Fatty McFatterson, I've got two tickets to a movie and my sister couldn't make it after all. Want to watch it with me?. I did, and we dated for months. It's all about intentions.

I also dated a Viking (Icelander) whose nickname for me was the Icelandic translation of "fat and ugly". I just took it as an ironic nickname... like calling a guy 6 and a half feet tall Tiny.


Yeah, this is the type of thing I'm referring to (and have observed a million times, or done myself). It's strictly common to me - I'm actually surprised at the response in turn. Reception is normally about tone and intent, which is the point.

And someone using the example of waiters sucking up about age in response to a genuinely charismatic, interested person doing it genuinely? It's really confusing - who are these people going out with exactly where they haven't experienced these things?
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/15/2014 9:50:26 AM

^^^^ this guy's profile makes mine look like crap!
But if thats how to get positive results on here He must be on to something. Active photos and an essay in the about me section. But I don't have anyone taking pictures of me when I'm out and about. I don't want to go into that much detail in my about me section. Then when I see the lack of effort in most young women's profiles....
Anyway, better profile better results. but results will still vary because Ladies have the most power in dating online and off


Also, profile approach/sites vary as to what you can get, depending on area. I like young/30's artsy hipster-yuppie women and professionals, so blabbing for hours in text is a good thing. I meet a lot of writers/educators/social workers/artists (on other sites). If I was going for super active extroverted partiers, I'd minimize my profile text and put pictures of me in boats/with friends as the focus. Very little is actually universal outside of general picture quality and basic spelling/grammar.

The only "universal" I have going for me is income (which is visible on other sites, but only visible to upgraded members here). And height.

So it's just figuring out what/when/where/how, basically. In Detroit, for instance, most of the artsy people or college hipsters have moved back downtown, while the educated professionals typically live in the suburbs. POF is not getting any real play/marketing among the former, and the latter are quickly scared away by the messages from the chaff that comes from the free lack of barrier, and typically focus on match. So, I get three completely different results between the sites now. I mostly use OKC at this point due to moving downtown myself and preferring walking everywhere, but when I lived in the suburbs, was heavily match. So, trends like that have to be taken in consideration as well.

Different strokes work for different folks, but you still have to actually pay attention to see what strokes work for what folks and where.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 203 (view)
 
How do you get a womans attention in the real world
Posted: 1/15/2014 7:42:38 AM

Do women outside the country date men from the US to benefit them? Yes. So do it on their turf. How else will you know whether they really want you for you?


It's not about wanting them for them - it's the fact that they're LOSING in competing with other men from the U.S. for the "best" or "good" women from the U.S., so they want to go to another country where being from the U.S. gives them an automatic advantage over THOSE men. They basically want a handicap because they can't play the game on a fair plane. That's also why the "good" countries with the "good" women happen to typically be the places where being from the United States gives them an automatic +5 on the imaginary 1-10 scale.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/15/2014 6:29:57 AM

Outmind and abmccray, you guys are ridiculously lucky. I read the profiles, and I message based on what I've read, and I get nary a peep. It's what I've said all along, I'm probably way too ugly.


Eh, how every many years back that I first joined a dating site, I got crappy response too. The trick was to gradually improve myself (and my situation in life along with it), and learn from my mistakes.

Not just crappy response, but being terrible at actually dating as well when it comes down to it.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Not offending mature women?
Posted: 1/14/2014 1:13:05 PM

And I repeat...Wanna Bet? When it comes to making "fat" remarks to any woman, slim or not, playful or not, this is something you never say to a woman. ..EVER! You'll figure it out in time.
^^^usmale knows...lonescottishboy knows...forumfella knows...
Very wise men when it comes to this subject. And let me clue you in, even if you get a "positive" response to your rude comment, women have long memories and will never forget you said it.


So when I say that I've said similar (in the correct context and tone) and ended up dating those same people -after- saying that, then what? Or that I've seen that kind of thing a million times with other people?

Non uptight and witty people tend to like banter, and by banter, it means things that are silly and obviously meant not to hurt the person. Banter is a fun way of flirting for intelligent people that have enough self esteem - that read intent and don't go secretly testing things at home.

There are very few things that someone that has charisma, confidence, intelligence, and most importantly, genuine motives as opposed to obvious preplanned nonsense, "can't broach" in a first date. It's similar to the "don't talk about sex on the first date" rule - no, you very much can; it's just that most men don't have the above - mentioned qualities to be able to do that effectively.

Also, for people who "know" - it's different people from different generations with different statuses and goals in their lives.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Not offending mature women?
Posted: 1/14/2014 11:22:02 AM
Wanna bet?


It would be a bet you'd lose because it's been done time and time again.

The trick is that the person not actually BE fat, and it's an obviously ludicrous joke-statement that is actually stating the reverse. And have charisma/style/correct tone when doing it. ie. the same as calling a tall person "tiny."

This is the kind of thing that PUA guys try to ape (and fail at miserably). Some people observe that playful jabs are taken well by some people, and understand the psychology as to how that works...and then completely fail at trying to duplicate that by "negging" actual things that people are self conscious about in the exact wrong tone. And done in a non-natural, obviously planned, way.

Similar to this, some guys legitimately try and compliment people, but since they come off weird and stilted while doing this, it's taken badly. There's a difference between an obviously planned "you look young for your age" and an astonished "there's no **** way you're (age), which the **** did you do when younger to do that and how do I do the same?!"

-How- you say something is almost as important as -what- you're saying when it comes to how it's taken.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Trying to figure this online dating stuff out.. Getting disappointed.
Posted: 1/14/2014 10:36:06 AM
Outmind is correct. In the past couple of months, I've messaged women that would fall under the "top 5%" or whatever on a different site, aged 24-35, and am at a 1-1 response rate. I'd say I messaged 20 people over that time and started 20 conversations.

Adding to what Outmind said:

- Look at activity dates. A lot of people message non or barely active women. Only message people that were active recently (I typically do one day).

- If a woman has entirely different interests than you, you probably shouldn't message them. I don't message women who take pictures with guns and cowboy hats while saying they love country music. The chances of us connecting (and her being interested in me are so relatively low that it's not worth the effort in those cases.

- On the opposite end, I'm more likely to message women that are interested in things I do/like/experience. And my messages are entirely about those specific things. "Just moved downtown..." in a profile? "I just moved downtown as well, how are you liking it here, I always hang out since coming down." A Graphic Designer? "How's the graphic design world treating you; I did that a few years ago, I found that I enjoyed this part of the field but not that part." Etc. Typically 2-3 sentence messages about a common connection in the profile that you're actually familiar with.

- That also means that profiles that don't have anything in, I don't message. Or, if I'm out and drinking or something, I'll send a one word message like "hamburger" because that's the kind of response a profile like that should get :)
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 154 (view)
 
Biggest Pet Peeves for online dating
Posted: 1/14/2014 9:04:04 AM
What? Maybe they see "graduate" as in they graduated from High School. There are lots of forms that have "graduate" next to High School to distinguish between GED, High School Diploma, so it asks if you graduated.

People could also see "graduate" as having graduated from college in general.

I'm sure my friend who is graduating from Beauty School will be tempted to select Graduate, lol.


That's...what he's saying. People not knowing what Graduate Degrees are, putting it on their profiles.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Not offending mature women?
Posted: 1/13/2014 1:25:23 PM

Your best bet when dealing with women is to not talk about looks at all, unless it's something very general, and not referenced to age. Those two can be serious and touchy subjects. I once told a woman she was model thin and that made her angry. That's just one example. About all I ever say now on a date regarding looks is, "You look nice". Keeps me out of the dog house lol


Sounds like a tone/charisma thing more than anything. You can tell someone they look fat and still have it taken non-negatively if it's done in the correct tone/feel/whatever.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 1:56:13 PM
- Some ways are dumber in certain societies, which is why they fail or change into something else over time.

- That's a correlation/causation thing. There's no proof that "being married" leads to longer lives, for instance, as it could be and is likely just a correlating factor of "healthier people tend to get married."

- Humans didn't pair bond until relatively recent years. Humans GROUP bonded, which is a bit different. Humanity has always had a need to be around other humans, but when it came to sexual romantic relationships, society(s) have run the gamut of relationship structure. The "one woman/one man" thing developed more so as a side effect of competition and men wanting to ensure that the children women came went directly from him. Even still, that derived from a "one man buys multiple wives if he can afford it" situation.

- It's important to mention the difference between people who HAVE been in relationships and CAN get into a new relationship whenever they want, as opposed to those that cannot. A person with perspective and opportunity that makes a choice is different than one that is forced into a situation and attempts to justify it. Many people that espouse the philosophy are in the latter group, whereas the former group doesn't normally care enough to make a thread about it.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 85 (view)
 
FWB is it possible
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:33:07 AM
^^^
1) You have to actually be good in bed to make it worthwhile.

2) You have to establish yourself completely ahead of time that you're unworthy for a relationship with them. It has to be an external "I can't date this man/woman seriously because he's /she's irresponsible/insane/not relationship fulfilling/whatever, but I do like him/her otherwise, and he/she makes a great/trustworthy friend."

This works on the male -and- the female side.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
I'm rather confused as to why people seek relationships.
Posted: 1/10/2014 8:28:43 AM
Relationships as they exist as a majority ARE pretty much a dumb societal concept that gradually evolved over time due to survival of the species. Similarly, much of what people actually "get" from relationships emotionally comes from society breeding them to be that way from such a young age that they don't even remember and just think "that's the way it is."

As I get older, there begins to be more and more of a distinction in people that realize that (the minority) and those that don't. The prior group, at least in their 30s, tend to be relatively successful, creative, have multiple people who actually want to be in a relationship with them, that they turn down, can get laid any time they want, and have a large group of friends. Without the worry of being alone and not feeling lonely, due to good friend groups, while being financially secure enough not to need to pool resources, it fulfills all of the "needs" that relationships are supposed to cover, and they realize that it's not even necessary or a worthwhile endeavor for them.

However, there is another group, normally younger, lonely, and not successful, that attempts to adopt these ideas to "cover" for the fact that they're unable to achieve a relationship with a person they want. This is normally highly transparent, and gives a bad name to those that legitimately feel this way.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 65 (view)
 
What can I realistically expect to get out of this site?
Posted: 1/3/2014 12:01:01 PM
If I'm going to go to the trouble of having photos taken I'm going to take some good ones. I mean if I'm not going to take a crappy cell phone selfie I'm going to have to get someone with a nice camera to do it for me anyway. If I decide I'll get what I want out of this with a good profile I'm going to make my profile the best I can. I'm not going to half ass it once I'm to that point.

No one is going to convince me to just try it and see what happens. I don't agree with that, I could easily waste a lot of time on this.

I'm probably jut going to ask this elsewhere because I just want opinions on how someone with a good profile can expect to do. I do not care what you have to say about how I spend my time.


You can get a good enough camera with a self timer for 100 dollars and a stand for twenty.

As for your question, it depends on variables like age, location, socio-economic goals, etc. For instance, when I do a search for women active in the last 10 days, I don't see a SINGLE person that falls under my dating standards in a 5 mile radius, and only a few bumping it up to 20. And I live in a downtown area of a city. However, on OKC, I get around 30 in 5, and double in 20. On Match, 5 in 5, but around 50 in 20.

Then if I shift my age around to be around 45, everything shifts around. OKC gives me very little, POF gives me the most, Match is in the middle. So, a lot is variable based on demographic and area mixes on which sites draw what.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Why do some women have a problem with male masturbation
Posted: 1/2/2014 4:49:09 PM

You can try and downplay (and guess what kind of guy my friend's ex was) all you want, but when it leads to unhealthy behaviours that affect a person's whole life, then it time to take it serious (like all addictions).
And the majority of therapists do take it serious.


It's not "downplaying" anything. You just don't understand (and should look up) the difference between a physical and a mental addiction., and look up rates of addiction while you're at it.

It's a psychiatric debate as to whether people can even technically -have- an addiction to pornography, but, if so, it would be like an addiction to video games or television - a psychological addiction to stimulus that is a symptom of internal psychological issues. It, in itself is not a cause, no different from, say, World of Warcraft's existence on the people that are addicted to that.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Why do some women have a problem with male masturbation
Posted: 1/2/2014 4:07:46 PM

No, it was the problem.

And Muted, you need to learn more about female anatomy. The kind of stimulation you speak of is not the preferred for most women


No, it wasn't.

Porn doesn't turn someone into a demanding jerk. They were always that way - with porn just being used as the scapegoat/point of obsession. It's easier blaming something like porn, which is an outside trigger, as opposed to admitting that the person didn't see these traits before they ended up with the other person.

-All- mental addictions are like that, porn being one of a myriad. If it weren't for porn, it would be showcased in another way (and that thing would be blamed for the problem).

Something like 80% of men from 18-40 -admit- to having watched porn, and 40 million people regularly going to -paid- or tracked sites, much less other methods of distribution.

And, statistically, the rise of watching porn does not correlate, statistically to violence towards women, in fact, the more availability of porn, the more violent crimes/sex crimes towards women drop dramatically. That's not a correlation/causation fallacy, just showing that there is absolutely nothing that supports anything you're saying.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Why do some women have a problem with male masturbation
Posted: 1/2/2014 1:39:21 PM

My friend just went through a long divorce from her porn addicted husband. The problem was that she was far from a prude, but he wanted her to make the switch from (normal) suckee/fvckee sessions to complete dark depravity. He even went so far as to want her to change her physical appearance. After long and expensive therapy, it was determined by the therapist that there was a loss of "sexual integrity" on his part and told her that life with him would not be easy.
So after hearing the dirty on what it was like to be married to a porn addict, I understand now why some women would want to stay away from those kind of men.


So...porn was just one symptom, and not the problem there, in other words.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Site Alerts
Posted: 12/30/2013 10:45:55 AM
The default notification for this and other dating sites does not make a different sound on Android devices, however, the vibration for these types of apps is a short quick vibration as opposed to the two-quick notifications for Facebook, or the long buzz for text messages.

There would be no auditory way to tell the difference unless someone set a unique default sound for it, or you can hear the quick buzz (and even then, it could be a different program).
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Text Messaging is ruining my dating life.
Posted: 12/30/2013 7:09:51 AM

These are guys I knew in person. One is somebody I'd met years ago and lost touch with, and the other is a guy who worked next door to me. And I'd reply because they'd ask a question or something, and it was me trying to be polite. But I would try to put a conversation ender or sometimes I'd even just say "okay, gtg". But in another hour or two, they'd start it up all over again. I seriously wouldn't have minded a day going by where they didn't reach out to me. I'm not trying to disrupt my whole life just because I want to start dating. I don't know, I guess I'm just surprised this occurred twice in a row. It's a hard situation to fix with tact, without sounding callous. Though, I suppose when the right person comes along I'll know partially because we'll have similar ideas as to what we each want - and what's to much. Just wasn't meant to be.


Your picker is not filtering out desperate/clingy/needy guys. That's basically all there is to it. Learn the signs, and then learn how to mitigate the situation as soon as possible.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 83 (view)
 
Income Level and Dating Expectations
Posted: 12/30/2013 7:03:20 AM

What I still find to be a profound mystery is why men still put up photos of their 'toys' in dating sites as frequently as they do. Are women indeed turned on by photographs of their possessions, or are these guys just as naive as I believe them to be?


Depends.

It can be good to show the type of living situation you have when living in areas with a huge socioeconomic shift, especially if you might fit in with a certain stereotype (ie. certain races living in a certain area).

For instance, I'm black and live in Detroit. In some dating sites, that's the first thing you see, which makes people make a gut mental image connection of the bad conditions/squalor that many of the in-city neighborhoods have, which is disproportionately black, for historical reasons. In other words, most black people that live in Detroit live in the actual neighborhoods, which have huge issues. However, I make six figures and live in the 90% white redeveloped downtown area. So, having pictures that conveniently show that I live in a downtown loft by the stadiums will counter other assumptions about my station in life.

However, if that kind of situation doesn't apply, it can be superfluous, and actually have a negative effect, especially if it's -just- a picture of a house or car. Then you start looking like a showoff, which can easily have negative effects.

"Sneaking" your toys in pics isn't a bad way to go about things, though - ie. guys that "just happen" to have pics of them piloting their boats with friends (with their shirts off and perfect six pack abs) tend to get fantastic response on dating sites.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Dating vs Hanging Out
Posted: 12/27/2013 7:37:36 AM

Agreed. Even when it is just having a couple of drinks at a local dive bar with someone from a dating site, I think it can be considered as a ( blind ) date / dating because of the intent. Regardless of the cost, time, activity, or outcome.


I don't have any real -intent- when meeting someone from a dating site. I don't know them yet, so I view it the same as meeting a person in a bar, on the street, in class, whatever. I'm going somewhere to meet them so I can actually meet them. The intent is drawn from what I get from that person after meeting them. Therefore, from that, a meet can turn into a date (want to go out to this other place after the meet?), it can turn into a potential friendship (want to hang out and help me with my music?) or nothing (vague "nice meeting you" thing).
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
 
I overheard this
Posted: 12/19/2013 12:24:19 PM
Casually date for a year for free season tickets? Sure, no problem, I'd be fine with that. What's the problem?
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Opinion on personality differences....
Posted: 12/19/2013 12:19:12 PM
- It's often easier to talk on the first date because you have set subjects to talk about (you're just learning basics about the person). Once you already know those basics, you may find that there's less to actually talk about - especially if the person finds small talk/light conversation boring.

- Introvert doesn't mean shy. Not talking to someone that much doesn't mean someone is "shy," it can mean that they're just listening or drawing the situation in or enjoying themselves.

- Online dating has a larger proportion of introverts as compared to real life.
 
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