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 Author Thread: Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 124 (view)
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/16/2016 12:32:11 AM

Say, what? Did someone summon the condom lady? Listen up, my peeps: There are only a handful of incurable STI's. Condoms don't do a great job of protecting against two of them (herpes and hpv, aka genital warts).

That was very informative, thank you.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 116 (view)
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/15/2016 9:00:11 PM

Are there any studies done to prove that people were less horny back in the good old days and were willing to wait until marriage…?

I’m not saying everyone waited until marriage. But there definitely wasn’t the amount of casual sex there is now. I’m sure people were still horny AF, but it was more the norm to at least wait until getting to know someone first. That said, I'm sure the vast availability of internet porn these days makes men even more anxious to rush into it.

What's wrong with sex?
I'm single, I'm not wanting kids, I don't have to answer to the
PTO..why can't I have sex? I mean if you don't want to have it...
fine, but that doesn't make me a bad or invaluable person.

I say bring back recreational (safe) sex!

Nobody said anything is wrong with sex. Or that anyone is a “bad person” for having it. People can have sex when they want. The issue I brought up is that some of us do want to wait longer, but it makes it harder because many men are so impatient nowadays. They can get it without committing to any kind of relationship, or for short-term FWB-type relationships. So a lot of them expect it early on, and that’s just not comfortable for everyone.

No need to bring back recreational sex. It’s alive and well in this culture. And, most intelligent people know how stay safe, but of course that’s never guaranteed 100%.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 100 (view)
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/15/2016 12:35:45 AM

Huh? Harder for you? Not at all, you can easily wait as long as you want. Besides, by your comments, you don't want the type of guy who's rushing to sex, anyhow, so that should be a quick indicator that a guy is not your type. That makes it EASY for you to sort them out.
You can easily mention that every boyfriend you every had - WAITED - 3 months and let the anxious guys self-eliminate.

Sure I can "easily" wait, if I want to rule out the majority of men these days. Just because my boyfriends waited doesn't mean a lot of other guys would. I was younger then, and those guys weren't exactly the "alpha-male" types with a lot of options. they were geeks and not very experienced themselves. i'm not saying i want an alpha male, but the older i get, the harder it is to find guys who are willing to wait, when they can easily get sex elsewhere. i have been very into certain guys who wanted sex early on, and maybe not so into the ones who were willing to wait because they didn't have other options. Unfortunately (for me), the rare ones who are both attractive/possessing decent social skills and willing to wait are usually snapped up early by cute, young Christian girls. Guess I'll have to change some of my expectations or continue to hold out for that needle in a haystack.

My point was that the more girls are putting out right away, the more guys expect it and have less patience for those of us who take things slower. Whereas in earlier generations, first date sex/ONS were not unheard of, but it was the norm to wait a while longer.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 30 (view)
Confused over girl ignoring me after mesaging me first
Posted: 11/14/2016 11:21:16 PM

Hopefully she doesn't bring the date idea up, meaning she's not so interested in that spot I initially suggested. She doesn't -- phew. But then that next day comes around and she wants to make sure we're still going to this shindig. Ugggggh. Now I actually Made my plans hanging out with some friends. Sh!t. I'm frustrated that she assumed this date was a done-deal.

So, just to be clear on what happened, he said, "we should go on a date." I agreed and told him I was free Saturday and Tuesday if either of those worked for him. He said he was also free Saturday. He gave me his, #, said to text and we'll figure it out. So yeah, I texted him later that night, and just made small talk with him, expecting that he would bring the date up, and he didn't. Sure, I could have, but I thought that my texting him was kind of a sign that I was still interested. ? Anyway, I figured that maybe he HAD made other plans, like you said, because honestly, guys who want dates generally don't let them go that easily (at least not in my experience). And it wouldn't have been hard for him to say, "so, are we still on for tomorrow?" or something along those lines. So I didn't bother him about it on Saturday. Then when I texted later that week to see if he wanted to reschedule, he just ignored it. Kind of lame? Anyway, he appeared to be very active on the site that same week, but now I see that he has taken his profile down. So I'm guessing he did go for someone else.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 4 (view)
Can someone delete my last thread?
Posted: 11/13/2016 10:31:16 PM
It got deleted, so thanks to those who voted if you happen to see this. :)
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 3 (view)
Can someone delete my last thread?
Posted: 11/13/2016 7:51:39 PM
A post yes, but not a thread apparently.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1 (view)
Can someone delete my last thread?
Posted: 11/13/2016 6:43:35 PM
I just started a new thread in which i shared too much personal information, and am now regretting posting it. Is there any way I can get it removed? Thanks.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 68 (view)
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/13/2016 4:42:12 PM
it is a lot of work. putting it on, washing it off...not ending up looking like a clown or cake face. it can be stressful.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 66 (view)
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/13/2016 1:49:05 PM
What happened to paying someone's way because it's a nice thing to do, and not because you expect something in return? I even have girlfriends who pay for my dinner sometimes, just to be nice and because we are friends. They don't worry about when or if I pay them back, though I do make sure to get it another time. But no one's keeping score. It makes me sad how self-centered this culture has become.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 26 (view)
Confused over girl ignoring me after mesaging me first
Posted: 11/8/2016 10:20:07 PM
I keep seeing all these old threads at the top of the page today for some reason...anyway...something similar happened to me recently. I added a guy as a favorite and he wrote back, and we chatted for a few days. he then suggested we go on a date (and actually used that word). so i said that sounds good, and we agreed on a day. he made a joke about something funny to do (nothing sexual), and i joked back and then suggested something else. he gave me his # and said to text and we could figure it out. well that was friday afternoon and the date was supposed to be saturday evening. i was busy so i texted him a few hours later (around 11 pm on friday). i just said hey how's your night going? he answered and we chatted for a bit. he never brought up the date again. we said goodnight, and i didn't hear from him the next day either. i suppose i should have brought up the date myself, but i had already said i wanted to meet, and then texted him. i can understand why he might not have wanted to do the activity i suggested, but couldn't he suggest something else? i let it go thinking maybe he made other plans. but over the next couple days i noticed he was on the site a lot. so i texted him, said not sure what happened to our plans to meet up lol...but if you'd still like to let me know. and no reply. the weird thing is he seemed really interested before that, was sending thoughtful messages, asking questions, he was still on the site so obviously didn't get another date right away. my friends said i was too passive and should have asked him again about the date...but i thought texting him showed enough interest? plus, why wouldn't he respond at all, or give it another chance after saturday didn't work? it's not like i cancelled or stood him up...i find a lot of guys on here to be very flaky and always looking for something better to come along.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 44 (view)
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/6/2016 1:17:45 AM

If someone is " biting my lip" and massaging me til I bruise ( wtf)
I ain't hanging around for the credits :/

Uh…no kidding!?!

Don't EVER let a guy use alcohol as an excuse. The guy practically raped you.

Agree. Not raped, but it sounded like he was a step away from it, by picking you up and carrying you to his bed?! Um, that’s NOT OK after you told him no!

Personally, I find it “ mind boggling “ that at your age you could be so naïve to not know about a guy saying whatever he thinks you want to hear so that he can get into your pants ASAP.

Agree. I don’t know how much time you spend in bars, but when my friends and I go out, there are often sleazy men who will try to say/do the “right” things initially, and then take off ASAP if we won’t go home with them.

If YOU think it's " crappy and ridiculous " then you need to find a guy who will respect you and be patient. Any guy who will be worth it to you in the end will do just that.


And, might I add, it IS crappy and ridiculous to have some “rule” of when you should have sex. Not to mention that 3 dates really isn’t much time at all to get to know someone! People treat sex nowadays like it’s shaking hands. I honestly wish more women would hold out (that is, if they want to), rather than go by society’s f-ed up standards. The fact that men can get sex so easily nowadays makes it a lot harder for those of us who do want to wait more than a few dates.

Were you 'selling' yourself in a way that could be easily misunderstood?

Ok, I’m probably going to get some flack for saying this, but the OP’s profile shows shots of her in a bikini, showing cleavage, fixing a wedgie…(?) It might be anti-feminist to say, but when guys see that stuff they’re gonna think of sex! They can’t help it. They CAN help what they choose to do about it, and can choose to control themselves and be respectful. However, when guys see those pics it’s likely that a lot of them are going to assume or at least wonder if you’re up for it.

And yeah, when reading this post, part of me was wondering if it was a troll.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 51 (view)
Second dates?
Posted: 10/29/2016 10:44:10 PM

1.) You are correct - the guy is NOT into you, because he doesn't know you yet.

What about all those people who say a guy knows within 10 seconds (or is it 15 minutes?) whether he wants to see a girl again. So basically, if he likes the way I look, he’ll want to see me again (unless I'm a b*tch), and therefore would offer to pay, I believe.

2.) Up until now, men ALWAYS complained about women who are dinner whores. ALWAYS. And sex happened frequently in days of olde, too. People take any chance they can get to fool around. Even today, everyone chooses differently, but the past wasn't some G-rated film starring 100% virgins.

I’m not talking about dinner whores. I don’t even know any such people. I’m talking about women who go on dates. Isn’t the purpose of a first date deciding if you want to see that person again? And if the guy does want a second date, and pays, but the woman decides she’s not interested, that makes her a dinner whore for accepting his offer? Actually, I do think in that case the girl should offer to split, but some interested guys insist on paying.

You know men treat women differently - otherwise you wouldn't be so nervous about your reputation or having sex on the first date - you're nervous because you BELIEVE men don't use "chivalry" with loose women. So what is it?...are men nice or not? Oh....I guess it depends....

Yes, it does depend. And I have my own reasons for not having sex on a first date. Lots of women don’t WANT to, believe it or not. It’s not all about being worried about our reputations.

If you want a second date - speak up. If you want the guy to pay for a meal, speak up.

I disagree…I don’t think telling a guy to pay is the best thing to do, or asking him out on a second date. In my experience, interested guys DO pay and do ask me out on second dates – no instructions needed.

Be honest: if you liked a girl and wanted to see her again, wouldn't you pay for her coffee? .

100% yes. But then again, I would pay no matter what. C'mon. It's just a lousy cup of coffee.

Exactly. And, finally someone answered the question, instead of just skirting around it with more accusations.

personally I believe if a guy doesn't offer to pay for a lousy cup of coffee on the first date, then they probably aren't much of a find anyways, and it's probably good they went on their way. Even if they don't have yellow teeth, chew food with their mouth open and are chubby...good riddance. :)

Well, it figures that the ones who DIDN’T pay were attractive, and the yellow-toothed open mouth chewing guy was only too happy to pay for everything…so maybe I do have it backwards :’( But yeah, I agree that it should be that way (man paying for simple – not expensive – first dates), but apparently, I’m out of the loop as well.

What do you know – this did turn into a “who pays” thread after all :/
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 553 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/29/2016 1:04:34 AM
^^Aw thanks! Kelowna is so nice, and I love dogs :)
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 43 (view)
Second dates?
Posted: 10/29/2016 12:53:48 AM
^^ Thank you. I've always kind of assumed the same thing, though apparently I'm "entitled" and a "princess" for thinking it. I'm not asking a guy to take me out for a 5-course gourmet meal on the first date (or meet, whatever the hell you want to call it; I agree that if a man asks me out, it's a date). All I'm asking is that he get me a drink or coffee. And it's not about the money, it's about being a gentleman, like you said. To me if the guy doesn't, it just makes me feel like he's not that into me. Is that being a spoiled princess? I don't know. Up until recent years, men did this without complaint, not always to "get" anything (as sex on first dates rarely happened back in the day), but to make a good first impression, because chivalry was still a thing.

Also, if a guy said things like "you call yourself independent? Then pay for your own damn coffee" that would sound to me like he had a huge chip on his shoulder.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 36 (view)
Second dates?
Posted: 10/28/2016 3:51:54 PM
I really don't want to start another "who pays" discussion, but I tend to think it's just common courtesy for the guy to pay (especially for something small like a coffee) if he initiated the date. If he can't be bothered to spend a couple dollars, I immediately assume he's not interested. Be honest: if you liked a girl and wanted to see her again, wouldn't you pay for her coffee? In my experience, the ones who really want a second date, do.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1224 (view)
the highs and the lows
Posted: 10/28/2016 3:01:52 PM
I thought this was an interesting take on the subject, and one I agree with:
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 34 (view)
Second dates?
Posted: 10/28/2016 2:40:01 PM

I hear a lot of women complain and vent IRL and on many different platforms about how people don't date anymore and how people don't cultivate real bonds. Dating and making a date takes initiative and shows a sense of being committed to at least that time frame of the date and seeing if there is something more there.

I'm all for quality over quantity, meaning I'd opt to go on a date versus going on a meet, which even sounds like a "let's see". I know we're living in an instantaneous world and many expect everything "yesterday, right away, hurry up, chop chop, let's speed this along", but I'll still skip the meets for dates.

Agree. The last guy I met up with didn't even buy me a coffee (after he initiated the "meet," which I also think of as a date). Right away, that gave me the impression that he didn't take me seriously. It makes me think they probably have a line-up of women and if I don't meet their instant expectations they're already thinking, "next."
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 550 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/28/2016 2:34:59 PM

Going to Calgary is like going back in time to some western world where everyone wears cowboy hats and you'll hear someone yell " YEE HAW!" every 23.2 seconds on avg for no reason at all

If you were there during Stampede, I might believe you.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1221 (view)
the highs and the lows
Posted: 10/28/2016 1:58:38 AM

Two words for you, Jason Momoa

Had no idea who that was so I googled him…looks intense lol
I’m a fan of the long hair and beard combo, though.

If I want to avoid these situation, I can spot and avoid these women (tho of course, they tend to avoid me, so I don't have to worry--same boat you mentioned about people you're attracted to not feeling the same). Do men advertise what's important to them, too? I suspect so, and maybe for some women, it might be so flattering that they don't consider it a red flag.

Maybe…of course, I don’t tend to go for the gym rats and movie star-looking guys…but I do like the scruffy musician type. And while I’m musical myself, I think I come across as too boring or clean-cut for many of them. I think some of them might like me if they got to know me better, but again, first impressions are key when dating, unfortunately.

It’s tough to date when young, when we aren't what everyone's looking for (or thinks they should be). We are more interested in dating (relatively speaking) than when we get older. We have more of the drive, we are more curious about what other people think about us, we are less willing to be on our own, we want to know that we are the cat's meow. When we get older, generally speaking, those voices get a little quieter.

I think mine are getting louder the older I get, but then, maybe that’s just the clock ticking.

I suspect at this time, the way i'm going to get the attention of someone i'm not "Settling for" is if she gets to know me over time and she's looking for personality and brains rather than looks.

I am most definitely not a “hard body” or “hot body”, so in the past I (like you) tended to avoid such profiles. But after having several such women send me initial messages, I decided, “What the hell, life is short, go for the gusto!” …And, when it pays off, you have the chance to meet and hopefully date someone that you are truly attracted to, not just someone that you are “settling” for.

Well, a woman SHOULD look for personality and brains rather than just looks. But, are you guys saying that you’re only “truly attracted” to women with these so-called “hot bodies," and that women your own age and fitness level would be “settling”? Whether that’s the case or not, I find that men always seem to want someone hotter than themselves, and seem to think that someone on a similar level (at least in looks) is settling. Give me a break! I think I’m realistic about knowing I’m an average-looking person, and I am attracted to average-looking men my own age. But when it comes to personality, my standards are ridiculously high, so maybe I’m shooting out of my league in that arena. But then, most of the guys who I would consider in my league seem to think they can do better >:(

But of course, the point is running into someone you don't really know (much), finding no Physical attraction in their looks, then finding Physical attraction In their looks when nothing changes.

Something would have to change. That is, you would get to know them and become more attracted based on their personality. It’s not like one day you would think the guy was nasty, and later that day he’s hot. It would be more of a subtle shift over time. With the guy I liked, his looks didn’t change, but I got to know him and notice things about him I didn’t before.

Gals will always be hanging/lingering around 'Brad' even after complaining about him, and the Nice Guy friends of hers will be b!tching about it. Why does that happen? Looks.

I would say looks and/or confidence. I think an insecure (or broke) good-looking guy could have trouble, just as a confident (or rich, lol) so/so looking guy could score a lot with women. Status can make a difference too, of course…not just money, but knowing the guy has connections, or in my case, plays guitar well…xD You seem to be very convinced that looks are what attract women, but really, it’s only part of the equation, and can be overlooked big-time if the guy has other impressive qualities.

there's a difference between not being physically drawn to them VS finding/seeing them as a physically unattractive person.

If the guy is obviously handsome like a model or movie star, then yeah, most people are going to say he’s a good-looking douche or something to that effect. But with an average person (aka - most of us), I really do think personality can alter our perception of someone’s looks more than we realize. Like, maybe not ugly to hot or vice-versa, but so/so to hot, or attractive to unattractive. i think I mentioned this before, but I was once watching a TV show and I thought a guy on it was cute. He was acting nice in the beginning of the show, and then later on turned into a jerk. And honestly, I started finding him unattractive, especially when his facial expressions changed.

I also wasn’t talking about someone with past issues like being reminded of their ex, that’s different. Or physically repulsed. I already mentioned before that to go from repulsed to attracted would be very rare. I think it would be possible to go the other way around though, if someone was a real jerk.

Yeah, but that's not different than "he has a good job, financially responsible" -- but if they're not physically attractive on any recognizable level -- it's not even worth's one time even Thinking about a date with them, is my point.

Actually, it is very different in the sense that having a good character is more important than a good job and financially stable (at least to me, although lack of stability could be an indicator of other issues, so it would depend)…however, I agree that yes, there has to be some attraction, at least. A little bit, or even neutral might be able to grow, but repulsed or zero is unlikely. I just find it really hard, especially on OLD, to tell if I’m attracted to someone or not, because I can’t always tell based on pictures.

But if you Don't find them attractive at all, or a I'll-lie-to-myself-cause-I-need-someone-so-they-could-be-cute?, and you end up running with it because you Do See mutual compatibility in a good way "on paper" poking out -- one's just "playing house".

I wouldn't recommend this either and never did. I was talking about getting to know someone a bit (if they have other good qualities) before writing them off based on looks (again, not being repulsed, but in the so/so range). You should be able to tell pretty early on if attraction will grow, but not always right away or on the first date.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 8 (view)
Hey, i haven't gotten many responses
Posted: 10/27/2016 2:08:36 AM
The first and last pics are not good. In one of them, your eyes are half closed, and in the other you look mad. I'd keep the middle 2 and delete the others. Also, I'd take out the sentence "I like to do a lot of things." It's too vague. Just put "I like to travel," and then continue on.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 16 (view)
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 2:03:37 AM

Many people expect instant chemistry or they lose interest. Most of the time, there isn't instant chemistry on a first date / meeting. Often because 2 people are virtual strangers. Or at least 1 person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. That is a big reason why most first dates / meetings go nowhere.

If there is at least some physical attraction and no obvious dealbreakers, I would consider going out on a few more dates to see if chemistry can develop over time. But many people have a different viewpoint than I do.

Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 546 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/27/2016 1:57:11 AM
^^ hey, you're not that far away! and trust me, they aren't all like that...just the ones who want to date me, it seems :S
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1212 (view)
Importance of Height
Posted: 10/27/2016 1:50:12 AM

So we realized how compatible we were, and how deeply we complemented each others weaknesses. Then as you share and time goes on, we also became best friends. So yeah, sex and physical attraction worked.

So you got the whole package. I think that’s what most everyone is looking for. By no means did I say throw physical attraction out the window. My issue is that men seem to only look for someone they find hot and sexy, and ignore everything else. For me personally, it’s very rare to feel chemistry on a first date, it takes time to develop. These men seem to want an instant connection or to jump in the sack right away, then get to know the person. To me that seems backwards. I’d rather get to know someone and see if I like them as a person before sleeping with them.

the beauty of good sex...once you've had it, you realize its not such a bad thing after all.

Nobody is saying that sex is a bad thing…not at all. I’m just saying that for me, a relationship has to be based on more than that.

someone's persona making their physicality Unattractive in their eyes? 8th grade-ish if it isn't some rare outlier experience.

But just because we think someone is good looking, doesn’t mean we feel attraction toward them or have any desire to hook up with them. I think women are somewhat different than men that way. Men will sleep with women they don’t like just to get sex or because they are hot. Some women do that too, but I think it’s more of a guy thing. For me, I almost never feel desire for a guy based on looks alone, I at least have to know them somewhat. And, not liking someone’s personality can totally make them seem physically unattractive! How is that weird or unusual?

Then he wouldn't have been a good husband, if you regretted it.

As I said, he wouldn’t have been a good fit for me, no. What I meant by “good husband” is that he had a strong character and morals – I know he would be honest, faithful, caring etc. But without enough compatibility, those things alone wouldn’t have been enough.

You shouldn't have your emotions stuck to things about someone "on paper". "On paper" should just be a filter for the obvious, and forseeing some compatibilities. Attraction to each other's bodies is just as down to earth as being attracted to each other's flow & banter, among other things.

I think both are important. But this is the old “chemistry vs. compatibility” debate. Many people sacrifice one if they find the other. Personally, I can’t do that. However, both are really hard to find.

In the end, one shouldn't see compatibility on-paper as their main goal, and think "I'll grow to be physically attracted to them Enough to be a content gf/wife". I wouldn't advise the other way around, but I would say if one Were in emotional need to just have someone, I would say that mutual physical attraction would be a good launching point to help grow together, instead of just "playing house."

I actually think that for myself I would agree with this, if those were my only choices. However, either one (choosing merely compatibility or attraction) could easily be a slippery slope.

You probably already know this, but believing "right away" someone isn't interested isn't the best attitude in the first few moments of meeting someone new. Those first few moments set the stage for the whole date in my view.

Well, I’ve almost come to expect by now that if I find a guy attractive, he won’t feel the same way. It’s sad, but it’s just been my experience the majority of the time. However, I try not to let that fear show JUST IN CASE this one time will be different. I mean, I try to act confident and friendly. But I’m naturally a shy and nervous person, so there’s really no way to hide that completely.

Is this the same guy you posted somewhere else where you didn't know how tall he was til you set up the date....and when you looked at his height, you got nervous? If so, you went into this date nervous, before you even met him.

Yes, I didn't look at his height when I first contacted him, and then noticed it when he wrote back. I mean, I’m nervous about every date, but more so if I find the guy attractive. And honestly, knowing he was so tall made it more intimidating. For me, height isn’t a big deal when it comes to choosing a partner. But, it’s been my experience to have better luck dating short guys.

I do know confidence is vitally more important to men...however it matters to women in making a man feel comfortable too. He wants to relax and have fun with you too, so it's a two way street.

I agree, and I’m trying, but it’s hard to seem confident when you’re not. I am more attracted to confident guys though, so I guess it has to work both ways.

Guys who want to get laid, can figure out real quick what their chances are with a woman who's saving herself.

Someone did suggest to me that guys can sense this, and maybe that’s why some of them drop me right away. I honestly can’t say for sure. But I do think it’s fairly obvious I’m not the hookup type.

If we aren't the cat's meow for the general populace, we might stick around b/c this is the best option next to having no option.

I’m done with that. I’d rather be alone than settle.

How about dress? Do they dress more provocatively? More makeup? Fancier hairstyle? Their walk...more confident and sexy? Facial expression?

I have tried dressing different ways and wearing more makeup to see if that made a difference. It didn't seem to help much. I think the way the other girls walk and their facial expressions might have something to do with it, though. I feel a little bit uncomfortable dressing that way, because sometimes guys get the message that you want to hook up, and I don’t. So I kind of feel like it’s leading them on in a sense, or giving a false message.

you have youth on your side, which many of here don't put that youth to use.

Hahaha, thanks. I seriously feel old though, because most of my friends my own age are married and I’ve been hanging out with some young 20-somethings lately. Also, having no kids at my age can scare some people who want them, since I’m running out of time.

I agree with others here who say lose the edited pictures. I think using different ("flattering") angles and lighting is fine, though. Ya gotta market yourself...and you'll be competing with others who do the same. I think you said the pix you have up now are unedited?

Yes, the pics are unedited, but I did use flattering angles and lighting. And I have to admit, these pics do look quite different than a lot of my other ones. But like you said, it seems everyone is putting their best pics up, and my normal ones did not get good results.

Have you tried anything other than a cell phone camera...i.e. a higher end camera, not a cell phone?

I actually think I look worse in better quality pics. The cell phone camera is a bit fuzzy and more forgiving.

I just don't see your looks being worthy of only attracting yellow-teethed, chubby, open-mouth-food-chewing type of men.....

I don’t think so either. And as I’ve mentioned, I used to think of myself as fairly attractive before I started dating. However, the results I’ve gotten have made me feel otherwise.

I'm struggling to see why you're having problems, LJane; you've always come across as very attractive to me. Oh to be a fly on the wall on one of your dates to see what's going on!

Thank you for the compliment. Maybe it is something I’m doing, or a vibe I’m giving off. Or, it could be that I just don’t have the particular type of look guys are going for. I don’t know. Sometimes I honestly feel like giving up, but I don’t want to be alone forever, so I’ll keep trying. Hopefully if I date more, I’ll get better at it.

Thanks everyone for your feedback to my "dilemma," even though it’s in the wrong thread. xD
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 190 (view)
Why are guys online so biased against black women
Posted: 10/25/2016 12:32:46 AM
In response to @Soilmarks, I agree with others that it depends a lot on where you live. I have heard that racism is worse (at least, more out in the open) in some parts of the states than where I live in Canada. Don't get me wrong, racism exists here, too, but many will frown upon it (as they should), which causes some to hide their opinions. I still think it comes out in many ways, though, and I doubt a lot of us realize the full extent of it. That said, my family would have absolutely no problem with me dating a black guy or any other race, as long as he was a good guy. My first boyfriend (in high school) was Japanese and they didn't mind that either. In fact, if anything I think my BF's parents had more of a problem with him dating a white girl. One of my girlfriends (white) recently dated an Iraqi guy, and again, her family was fine with it, but he didn't even tell his parents for fear they would disown him.

I do think the stereotype of black guys being hyper-masculine, and "tougher" exists to some extent (at least in some people's minds). I've had white, female friends who are very attracted to black guys in particular. Interestingly, these women all seemed to have strong personalities, and were tall and/or physically strong as well. Some of us might be intimidated by the thought of dating someone who we think is strong and assertive. But, obviously it's very much a stereotype. Perhaps people would think differently if they weren't brainwashed by the media and/or spent more time with people outside their own race.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1199 (view)
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/24/2016 11:26:39 PM

Jane, isn't the key 'willing to' discover other things to enjoy together? Give the connection a chance to build an abundance of 'common interests'. If your companion isn't willing to experiment, then tell him to take a hike.

We did try, and in the end it was me who broke it off. I've found that sharing common interests is pretty important when dating someone, and not only that, but the way the conversation flows (or doesn't). I actually get frustrated by men who don't seem to care at all. It seems that for them, all that matters is having sufficient attraction. Never mind that you're completely incompatible and would be miserable together. Then there are guys who I feel I've had a great chat and lots in common with, but they write me off immediately because they're not turned on enough. For me, if I was repulsed by someone, I wouldn't see them again. But if we had a good chat and they were so/so attractive, I'd give it another chance. When it came to that particular guy, we just weren't interested in discussing the same topics. And, he grew up very religious (more so than me), and there were many topics he didn't seem comfortable with, probably because his family avoided them. It just wasn't a fit, he was a great guy and would have been a very good husband (he was looking to get married at the time), but I would have regretted it.

We may not look at a hottie and think what a great friend they could make, we may look at a hottie and think how to get them in bed, and anything else we get is...gravy. We might feel we have enough friends who are like us, we want a date who is....dare I say it...a league above. someone who makes us go "Wow" rather than "yo, hey, whatup?" We aren't looking for the partner who is a comfortable fit.

So in other words, you're looking for a relationship based on physical attraction and sex, not friendship and compatibility. Sounds like a recipe for success :/
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 541 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/24/2016 10:42:31 PM

Unsettled saying No to a(nother) date when you're not attracted to them, but they're nice?

No, unsettled thinking about that guy. And the fact that I almost kept dating him even though I was quite strongly unattracted. It wasn't just his looks, it was his mannerisms as well. He talked with food in his mouth (and not in the subtle way that most people can, he didn't try to hide it) and his mouth twitched. Ok, now I'm just being mean. He really was a nice guy and I'm sure would make a devoted partner.

Jane = just put up photos that you are happy with... some ppl take better pix, simple.

Thank you, that's what I was doing (or so I thought) I've been given a manual on what pics are acceptable to post and why I'm a liar. Please don't anybody accuse me of lying or explain why it's lying again, I will not respond.

goodness Jane cursed LOL

Curse curse curse!
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 537 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/24/2016 2:42:34 AM
OK, I think you're being way too OCD about the "rules" surrounding this...I can see how posting good angled shots is as misleading as photoshopped ones if neither look like the person. But the former is not an outright "lie," was my point. I don't like to be accused of lying when I'm not. And, I agree that I shouldn't take one guy's opinion as the final word. It can have to do with perception...I asked my mom and best friend (I admit, likely not the most reliable sources), and they both said the pics look like me. I think maybe that seeing someone for the first time IRL can come as a bit of a shock, not only because of how they look, but also because they just come across differently than how we imagined. And, this can be off-putting if it's not what we hoped for.

body type where 'average' includes 2nd place pie eating contest winners

LOL! I think I just woke up my roommate :/

He's making an error of course, but he's not really being beyond deceptive, just clueless.

Yeah, it's amazing how some guys seem to have no idea of their own height. It's kind of like women who avoid getting on a scale - I don't think they really want to know.

BTW: Don't go out with guys you're not physically attracted to. Especially when it gets off on a weird foot like that. :)

Haha, lesson learned. I pretty much vowed not to after that. I still feel somewhat unsettled thinking about it.

I know my photo(s) aren't optimal

What photos? You have one, and I'm not even sure it's really you.

Which is why you don't want ones that are Off from how you are IRL (unless you look better IRL, then it's sacrificing some opportunities for higher % of success of a date), because they will think you're deceptive (because they want to believe that; takes away from feeling superficial), but more importantly, it'll cost oneself some successes.

Well, TBH, I'm tired of this whole thing. I never worried about taking carefully angled shots or needing to "fix" my face half as much before I started online dating. This whole process has made me feel very insecure, and I don't like it. At this point I'm saying f*** it.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1190 (view)
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 2:06:45 AM

My guess, and from my experiences, is that they were physically Attracted but didn't know/feel it on the outside, due to baseless negative assumptions...or actually were truly physically Unattracted to them, then became physically Attracted to them, which IMO, would be even scarier.

Saw this after I posted my last reply. But again, while it's more rare, I don't think that happening would be "scary." It would only be that way if the girl had low self-esteem and thought she couldn't do better, but then, it wouldn't be true attraction(?) As I've mentioned, I've had it happen once before. This guy who I thought was quite unattractive physically really pursued me, but kept it low-key (hanging out in groups, etc). The more I got to know him, I started to see him in a different light. Like, I noticed that he had really nice eyes, and a nice smile, in addition to his less attractive features. I also think we had a spiritual connection (as corny as that may sound, we prayed together and shared the same beliefs). In the end I broke it off, though, because I still felt something was missing, but it wasn't due to the physical. We just had no common interests (other than faith-related stuff) and kind of ran out of things to talk about. The guy still liked me, but eventually he even had to agree that we weren't the best match for eachother. He ended up marrying a girl who is similar to me in looks, but has WAY more in common with him (like, they are into the same nerdy video games and stuff).

I have another friend who had a guy pursue her, and she was NOT attracted to him and thought he was a total dork (I'm not sure if it was due to looks or just his general persona). Anyway, the girl moved to a different town for a while, and when she came back this guy still liked her. I don't quite know how it happened, but she fell in love with him and now they are happily married. Again, this was a religious couple. I'm beginning to realize that maybe these experiences are less common outside the Christian world. I really do think and have both felt and observed that spirituality can go a long way to creating connection and even attraction.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1189 (view)
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 1:44:25 AM

guys go for that moreso than gals think. Out of jealousy, they want to believe that isn't true.

I definitely believe that. Like I said – IF the “girl next door” is good looking, that is.

Many times though, naughty Nancy is flirty and a social butterfly, where household Hannah isn't so socially open and/or just keeps close to her group. That makes a big difference on date-worthy guys going up to girls.

Where do you come up with these names?? but yes, I agree that the more approachable looking girl will get hit on more, unless the shy one is much better looking.

Face Always carries the most weight. Even with those who go on and about about T vs A, thin vs curvy, etc.

I know that now, but wish I had known it when I was younger. I used to envy other girls’ bodies, which was a waste of time. And, when I was more fit, some of my bigger friends used to say things like “I wish I was as skinny as you.” But going out with enough girlfriends over the years, I’ve realized that pretty faces definitely draw more interest than “hot” bodies.

My point is -- looks matter and are big with women. Otherwise, the height thing wouldn't be a big issue.

Yes, height is important to many (but not all) women. It isn’t purely about looks, though – some women feel more feminine when the guy is bigger and taller than them. For me, if a guy carries himself in a confident way and otherwise seems masculine, that matters way more to me than height. I used to care about height, until I met some short guys who changed my mind. :D

My friend, why is that not a good sign?

Exactly. I don’t think that’s a “bad” sign, either. I think, like NG mentioned, that it would most often occur through social connections such as groups of friends. Which I wish there were more of nowadays. I remember as a kid in school, there were boys in my classes who I wouldn’t look twice at – but maybe I’d end up sitting next to them one day or be assigned to a group project together. And, after talking some more, I’d get a huge crush on them. One of the problems with dating nowadays (and this culture in general), is that things are moving too fast. We want instant gratification, instant attraction, usually based on shallow criteria. And, when you’re online dating, you don’t want to string a guy along – so yeah, you’re going to pass if there isn’t attraction early on. However, I think that in a group setting you could get to know people without the pressure to make snap decisions, and then, lots of times you could end up liking someone you didn’t initially. Now, that’s not to say you would go from blatantly UN-attracted or repulsed to very attracted. But yeah, anything in the mutual zone, or even slightly negative, could still turn into more over time. That is, if we were ever in the right situation or had the patience to give it time.

Honestly, though, I do think this is way more likely to happen in the case of a guy winning over a girl than vice-versa. I still do believe that, in general, men are more about attraction based purely on looks than women are. Also, many women want to be adored by a man, and made to feel beautiful. Look at real-life couples – you way more often see a hot girl with an average Joe than the other way around. I sometimes see the reverse, but it’s usually if the guy is raised a certain way (such as, maybe had a good relationship with his mother or sisters and is more comfortable around women). In fact, the place I most often see the hot guy-plain Jane couples are at church. (Now, where’s mine?? ;p)
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 535 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/24/2016 12:44:59 AM

A long time ago when I was an avid online dater -- I purposely put pictures that were not-so-flattering, to get the extra Umph out of it. When you're Better looking than your pics, your stock price rises a bit higher than it's worth. :)

Yes, if the “bad” pics are attractive enough to get you dates in the first place. :/

I’m not saying a girl wouldn’t rule a guy out because he was less attractive in person. Of course they would, and do. It isn’t JUST because he lied. I guess what I should say is, the lying makes it seem even worse. But, if the guy was attractive enough, even if he did fudge a bit, the girl would likely still see him again.

I’ll use a real life example: I met up with this one guy who was at least 3 inches shorter than he said, and somehow managed to hide the fact that he had very yellow teeth. Do I think the fact that he didn’t show his teeth in pics was dishonest? No. Misleading, maybe, but the fact that he said 5”9 or 10 when he was actually 5”6 was more of an outright lie. It also said to me that he was likely insecure about his height. I did find the guy physically unattractive, but he was really nice, so I agreed to go out with him again. I almost went on a third date with him, but after talking to some friends, I decided against it. I really couldn’t see myself ever being attracted to him despite him being a “nice guy.” And, we also didn’t have that much in common, or so I felt at the time.

a photo posted on a personals site Means "I look just like this if you met me today, if I were wearing the same outfit."

But, as you claim, (which I question), you look Different than your pics -- how would that be not being honest, too?

Because they are actually pics of me? I admit that erasing my double chin in some of the past photos could be called dishonest. But pictures of the actual person without any editing should not be. We all know we have “good angles” and people are likely to show the better pics in their profiles, rather than the unflattering ones. It seems we can’t win either way – put up good pics, and it’s “dishonest,” put up bad ones and no dates.

I actually wanted the truth from this guy regarding my pics, which is why I asked. We can’t see ourselves as others do, and I had assumed that because the pics WERE of me, and recent, I must at least look somewhat like them. I wore a similar hairstyle and makeup as in the pics, too. But, he said I did not. I guess it’s because he was looking at me straight on and in bright lighting, rather than at an angle with dimmer lighting. And, I used a front facing camera, which as we all know projects a mirror image.

We all look different in different pics, and there’s no rule that says your online pic has to look EXACTLY how you look in person at this very moment. It may be preferable, but to say it’s required or else dishonest is going too far. And, I might add, not entirely possible, since many people do look quite different in photos.

It actually annoys me, though, that you would say choosing flattering angles is the same as saying I’m athletic or average when actually very overweight, or saying I’m 5”9 when I’m actually 5”6. Both are trying to present a “better” image, but the latter are outright lies. Please don’t tell me again that I’m lying, though. And no, I don’t think putting up a “bad” pic of yourself so as to appear better in person is dishonest either, unless you edited the pic. It’s just that no one would expect anyone to do that, so we’re not likely to question it.

Well, to be fair, you say no semi-decent looking guys approach you online regardless, right? (Which I find hard to believe)

It’s very rare that men I find attractive make first contact with me online. However, I’ve found that with the better photos, I have a much better response rate when I contact them.

Yeah, as I said -- nothing wrong with best pics up. Mainly, throwing out the bad ones. Erring on the side that it gives you a better look, yep. But if one looks Different In Person than their photo, then that's a different story... that's where it's in the same boat as the guy who's 25lbs heavier, 2 inches shorter, etc.

But if the guy puts up a photo of him at his current weight, but at an angle that makes him look thinner, I still don’t think that’s the same as actually saying he’s 25 lbs lighter, or editing out part of his body. I’ve noticed many women do the shots from above, which makes their face look slimmer and emphasizes the cleavage (and, if their boobs are big enough, hides the stomach entirely, lol). I don’t think they are being dishonest. Anyone with half a brain can assume that they are going to look different face-on. This conversation is getting more and more ridiculous, BTW xD

I could see your primary photo looking better…But the others -- I can't see how you'd look radically different.

I had hoped they didn’t, either…but apparently I was wrong :( This guy’s immediate lack of interest led me to believe that it must be a bigger difference than I thought, and he confirmed that.

but at the end of the day, unless All your pics are Not what you look like -- I think it's your comfort zone (lack thereof) that exudes that may tilt things in not the best direction.

Could be a bit of both. :/
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1180 (view)
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/22/2016 10:44:10 AM

kinda like when a mother bird tucks her baby under her wing....thats the feeling I get with a tall guy.

Almost all the guys I've dated have been short. I actually thought I preferred short guys, until I dated a tall one for once. That's when I realized I had just gotten used to shorter guys because they were the ones approaching me. I had to chase my taller ex a little bit, and in the end I broke up with him because he did not seem physically attracted to me. But, I know what you mean. It was a nice feeling in a way to look up at the guy, lol. However, it's still far from being a deal breaker if they are the same height. Online, I tend to message shorter guys more often, because they have been more likely to respond. The last guy I went out with (who said I don't look like my pics) was tall, but I favorited him before I even looked at his height. I just liked his profile. When he responded and I realized how tall he was, I actually got a bit nervous. Haha
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1179 (view)
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/22/2016 1:30:25 AM
Went back and changed some of my all the ones I have up are the non-edited versions. I did use a grainy camera and have makeup on, but none of them are filtered or photoshopped. And the first 4 are from within the past 6 months or so. Maybe they still don't look like me, but they are.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 460 (view)
Natural and hairy women?
Posted: 10/21/2016 11:46:14 PM
^^I don't mean someone you are already not that attracted to. But if a guy finds a woman otherwise attractive, but can't get turned on just because she has hair down there, uhh...I think that would be ridiculous, and somewhat unhealthy. Shaving or waxing all the hair off wasn't a common trend up until fairly recently, and yet men were still able to get turned on by women before then.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1177 (view)
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/21/2016 7:51:11 PM

I know, I know...we hate to think ourselves in terms of leagues or meatloaf, even if meatloaf can put on a strip of bacon and have a little zing to it. sometimes, tho, the person who turns away from us, is in the long run helping us out.

I can see how I would give the first impression of being "meatloaf." I am shy and reserved, and probably come across as boring initially. However, I’ve had many people tell me they were surprised once they got to know me, and I was nothing like they first thought. It’s just that guys write you off right away, after one date. No one wants to take time getting to know people, they are looking for an instant connection or someone to sexually turn them on.

Photo angles is one thing, but when you start editing your photos, I can see this causing a problem..

Yeah, maybe fixing the chin was too much. But, people can look really different from different angles as well. And I’ve been told my double chin shows up more in pics than IRL, so I didn’t think erasing it would be a big deal. However, I clearly did not look like what this guy was expecting.

Is getting a date that goes nowhere, better than not?
I would think getting shot down after meeting would be worse, than not meeting....

Actually, you’re right. It is worse. I’ve never really gotten a straight answer from a guy about my pics. I guess I thought they looked more like me than they actually do. Or, maybe I thought they were close enough that it wouldn't be a deal-breaker. But, since using worse ones has not worked out well for me either, I think probably I will just give up on OLD and hope for a miracle.

Desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes.
...and yes, sometimes it does work

There were a few guys who didn’t seem to notice or care, but they were quite unattractive themselves (one was fat and bald, the other had very yellow teeth, and was a non-smoker, so clearly bad hygiene). They also didn't have great social skills TBH. I still met up with one of them a second time, and the other I would have met again if he had asked.

Complete honesty vs .... being strategic ?

The thing is, even when I had posted the more realistic shots, I thought they looked ok, average at least, and yet all I could seem to attract with them were the types of guys I mentioned. In order to attract even an average dude, it seems only the embellished pics are working, and many times, even those aren’t good enough. It’s really not so much that I think I’m ugly as that men’s expectations seem a bit ridiculous…they all seem to want someone out of their league.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1171 (view)
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/21/2016 5:14:36 PM

you say you've carefully selected ones that make you look the "best," you don't look as good in your pictures...etc. Of course, everyone does that....but still...adding in that fudge factor...I just don't see the problem. Unless you're photoshop wizard, lol.

Thanks for saying that. I just met up with a guy a few days ago, and I could tell right away that he wasn’t interested. We had a good chat, but I knew I wasn’t getting a second date, and he later confirmed that. He said he didn’t feel a “connection.” I asked him if he thought I looked like my pictures, and he said no. So maybe the discrepancy is worse than I thought. It’s frustrating, because they are of me, and most of them (all the close-up shots) were taken within the past year. However, I did pose at a certain angle to make my face look thinner, and I used an editing program to erase my double chin. But other than that, they are me. Like I said, I have used more realistic shots in the past, which I didn’t think looked all that different, but I got terrible results with them.

reading your posts and looking at your art and're the uber-talented, sensitive, brooding artist type....deep and plenty of a world that rewards superficiality.

That’s a nice thing to say, thank you.

you may project shyness and hesitancy which can be a roadblock...even if a man is attracted physically.

the "bit overweight" women with the "prettier faces" may be projecting fun and a general openness in the bar?...and maybe you're not?

This could be true. Others have suggested that as well. But, those same girls also get more attention online, and get ogled more while walking down the street, so it’s got to be more than just personality. Also, I do get hit on, but most often by men who are either much older, overweight, bad hygiene, etc. while my friends get hit on by guys who are close in age and attractive or average-looking. Again, that may sound superficial, but I’m not looking for Brad Pitt. I’ve had crushes on short, chubby guys who had great personalities. But most of these guys are not in any way appealing to me; I guess, just as I haven’t been appealing to the ones I’m looking at.

there's kind of a resignation in your air...

honestly, I used to have a lot of hope when it came to finding a partner, and I used to think I was fairly attractive as well. However, my experiences with dating have soured me on it and made me feel hideous. I know a sh*tty attitude is even less attractive and can be changed, but it’s getting harder to do that.

...but then again, if it positively impacts your art/music (Melissa Etheridge's brooding 1st album comes to mind) maybe it's a good thang....

Maybe I’d have better luck if I switched teams, too. xD

Anyway, I took this thread off topic again…though I think it disintegrated long ago…
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1167 (view)
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/21/2016 2:17:03 AM

Maybe they generally focus on looks b/c that's what a woman offered in the past. Back in the bad old days, what a man needed was healthy children to keep the bloodline going, and a healthy looking woman suggested that was possible.

Preferring a healthy-looking person seems reasonable, but men have become way more picky than that, to wanting women to wear tons of makeup and shave off all their body hair so they look like teenagers. Those things have nothing to do with health.

And as an older dude, I can tell you things change with age.

Well, they should. But sadly, many middle aged men still seem to be chasing an illusion.

what a girl in high school wanted in a man, changes when her maturity does.

Yes, she wants men, not boys. But not a father-figure, either. Lol
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1166 (view)
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/21/2016 2:04:43 AM

Guys will tend to want the great looking girl-next-door over sassy/silly/slutty/Sally

Yes, if she is great looking. But you would still pick the great looking slutty girl over the plain girl next door, right?

Looks...isn't limited to ripped extra-tall guy & toned busty girl.

No, not at all. In fact, I find that men vary widely when it comes to their preferred body type. Some men like thin, athletic women, others prefer curves. However, I've noticed that the women with pretty faces usually get the most attention. When I've been out with friends, even if they are bigger than me and a bit overweight, the ones with prettier faces get way more attention than I do. It seems that while many men are forgiving of some extra weight, or may even prefer it, they seem to be drawn to fairly similar facial features. Big, up-slanted eyes, small noses, and high cheekbones seem to appeal to most if not all men. Women, on the other hand, vary more with both face and body types. I'd have to say that hygiene matters a lot to most women, though.

A 5'5" guy can be told women aren't that into looks and are into nurturing, and it's just random darned luck that a vast majority of gals who are definitely in his league other than the 'height' (looks) issue don't like him in-that-way. :)

True, being short is going to be somewhat a disadvantage as a guy, especially if they are going for taller women, and especially online. However, I think overall women can fall for a guy based on his personality, and become attracted even if she wasn't initially, more often than men. For men, the attraction has to be there pretty much right away or they'll write the woman off.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 458 (view)
Natural and hairy women?
Posted: 10/21/2016 1:42:09 AM

I hope you're not one who dislikes a man with a "natural" beard and mustache which he never trims or shaves. Otherwise you're too fussy and have a low sex drive? Your profile says you like beards, so you're ok I guess. But can it be forever untrimmed?

I LOVE beards. Even long ones, but with some men it grows down to their chest if they never trim it, and then they start looking homeless. Untrimmed pubic hair will never grow that long, so it's really not a fair comparison. :p Clean and somewhat trimmed is probably the best option for both.

Also, I was not talking about mere preferences. Preferring bare is one thing, but a guy being unable to get turned on by a woman just because she has pubic hair (in other words, looks like an actual woman) would suggest issues to me.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 519 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/21/2016 1:28:40 AM
@Ladyinred: Again, thanks so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it :)

Yeah, but the other way around -- say he puts down 5'7" on his profile, same as yours, and you meet him and he's definitely taller than you, at least 5'9"?

Nobody would do that, and if they did, we probably wouldn’t even notice or think it was unintentional. Because really, what guy would try to appear shorter? The fact is that lying about their height actually draws more attention to it, because it shows they are insecure about it.

The difference is that it isn't purely about inaccuracies. It's an inaccuracy in the negative range of attraction, which makes it negative. To avoid sounding superficial, I think we tend to put more weight on it Purely being in error as the real reason. :)

It’s true that if we are attracted to someone, we’re more likely to overlook mistakes and give them a shot. If we are already “on the fence” about someone though, a small fib like adding a few inches to their height will not help.

"Owning it" isn't going to add confidence or brownie points

By owning it I meant working with what you’ve got and acting confident. Women are usually attracted to confident guys.

If it doesn't look like 'you' walking into a room, generally speaking, it's purposely giving a false image, as that's the intent (not a link to a facebook photo album).

If it’s recent and non-photoshopped, it’s not a false image. However, most people are going to look better in their best pics than they do in real life.

The photos one puts up = "This is the Same impression of what you feel I look like if you met me Today

Ok, well, in the past I tried doing this, and guess what? Not one semi-decent looking guy wanted to talk to me. The reality is that most women are putting their best pics up, so if I put a normal one up, I’m going to be overlooked. And when I put “good” pics up, guys have been clearly disappointed when meeting me IRL. So I guess women are screwed either way (?) Ps – I really do appreciate the comments from people saying it’s not my looks that are the problem. However, I know that with many men it has been. I guess that’s happened to most everyone, though, unless they look like models. Some people are going to be attracted to us and not others. However, the results I’ve gotten with dating have been pretty discouraging, and made me think there was something wrong with me.

The guy should be "penalized" the same, whether he's noticeably overweight and puts Average thanks to "good pics", or 5'7" but puts 5'9".

I do feel pretty much the same whether it is a lie about one’s height or body type. I’ve seen many men who put “athletic” who are overweight, and “average” who are more than a little overweight. And like I said, I will go out with a guy who’s 5”6 or a few extra (if they are actually a few extra), if I otherwise like their profile. I’d rather they just be honest.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 18 (view)
Is it wrong to rike it?
Posted: 10/21/2016 12:46:46 AM
@Ouija2025: Lol! Thank you! That made me feel better too.

NO - I guarantee men aren't writing you off because of your face. Men study your face because we've been told to stop starting at your now we're staring FAR too much at your face and you're getting creeped out by it.

Haha xD

When someone has an issue with your looks and wants to stay around - they stay around and then mention it in a way to try not to piss you off. Guys who have a problem and don't intend to hang around, don't bother.

I get what you mean (I think?) but most men won't want to stay around if they don't find a girl attractive. If they have an "issue" with your looks, unless it's something minor or that can easily be changed, they are less likely to mention it, and more likely to go find someone they are more attracted to (if they can - but a lot of guys have somewhat deluded expectations IMO).
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1163 (view)
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/19/2016 12:51:37 PM

Of course physical qualities matter a little bit, but not as much as people think. Being insecure about your height, your looks, your hair, your weight, etc, is a way bigger deal than the actual physical qualities.

I think physical qualities matter more than a little bit to men. Men want someone hot or at least pretty. Women are more nurturing, and can often overlook physical flaws if he is a really great guy. However, a lot of women don't want to date someone shorter than them. Most girls I know are ok with the same height or taller.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 453 (view)
Natural and hairy women?
Posted: 10/19/2016 12:41:56 PM

Yes the Eastern countries of Europe may be suited to you. But if such a small thing turns you off women, then I suggest you are too fussy. Hair in certain places has a function and conducts away toxins and I feel that the fashion to shave it all off, is actually unhealthy.

This is a proven fact, actually. And if a guy isn't able to get turned on by a "natural" woman, I would question that not only is he too fussy but may also have a low sex drive.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 515 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 10/19/2016 12:29:57 PM

that is what the issue is and the frustration from some women...not the height...but the lying about it. Why say you are 6'2 but really 5'9? Assuming they want to meet how do they think they will get out of that and explain away the difference in height? The lying is the issue.

Agree 100%. I will date men my own height but I don’t like when they lie about it. If you’re short, just own it because confidence itself can be a turn-on. I know a short guy who makes jokes about his looks and not in a defeated, insecure way but in a more good-natured way. He carries himself very confidently and even though he’s short, chubby and average in looks he appears very attractive and sexy (at least I think so).

Sometimes getting a foot in the door merely gets your foot squashed.

So true :,(

99% of every women on here lie also with their carefully angled above head height shots you meet these women and im like.... where did that double chin come from

A flattering angle is not lying. I am not overweight but have a double chin due to genetics and having a small jaw. I’m going to post the best looking shots, not the ones from underneath which emphasize the worst features. Is a fat guy gonna post a beach shot with his man boobs showing, or find a better looking pic? Hardly the same as claiming to be several inches taller.

Some men tend to lie about height; just like with some women, they lie about weight.

Well there is no requirement on here to list your weight but I’ve noticed a lot of people (men and women) who are overweight will put “average” and some who are obese will put “a few extra pounds.” As dbzgirl said:

Maybe many years ago a thin/normal/healthy weight person was considered average, but now average weight means "chubby" or "butterball" in my opinion.....and guess what?.....when most guys do a search on here, they are probably selecting "thin" as the body type for the match results they want to see come up and by you having yourself listed as Average, they are missing seeing your profile altogether.

And thank you for the compliment but I am not thin, I am actually average and I feel putting that would be misleading. But of course I’m not gonna have pictures with my belly hanging out either lol

You're overly-picky and seem to see things thru a different lens.

I agree, but it’s not as easy for average women as men think, either.

I used to be a lot more fearful of rejection when I first started, but nowadays, it doesn't faze me since I'm so used to it now (and everyone else has the same "tough crowd" problem--I used to think it was just me not getting responses).

Same, I used to get offended when guys didn't respond to me, now it's just a nice surprise if they do. But, I still have a hard time with showing up for a date and seeing the look of disappointment on their face. Like I said, I try to post flattering shots, but they are still me. I showed my best friend the pics (who can be blunt at times) and she said they look like me. However, I've noticed some guys seem to expect something better. Or they end the date quickly and rush back online to find a hotter girl.

Even if you are insecure, self-conscious and have low self-esteem, you need to not let guys see that. A girl who puts herself down in front of a guy constantly or a girl who is constantly fishing for compliments is the BIGGEST turn-off for a guy, so keep that in mind.

@dbzgirl I agree with this. The forums are where I b*tch about this stuff, and to my girlfriends, though I’m trying not to annoy them too much. But you’re right, showing your insecurity is a turn-off to both sexes.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 973 (view)
The Birthday Bluez
Posted: 10/19/2016 11:50:49 AM
This thread has become really depressing. I left it awhile ago to come back to this. Middle aged men picking on a younger woman with special needs, and adults attacking eachother like bullies on the playground. I concur with some of you who are standing up to the bullies, but many are just juvenile. (not naming names...*ahem* ^^^)
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 9 (view)
Is it wrong to rike it?
Posted: 10/19/2016 11:38:10 AM
I think it's weird but I would like it. I've never done speed dating, but am very intimidated by the idea and this would make it a lot more comfortable for me. I am fairly comfortable with my body but I always feel that men are judging my face and writing me off based on that. I'd rather not get judged instantly on my face before they even care about what I have to say. I actually had a friend (who has been married for years) ask if I've ever tried online dating. I told her I have, but it hasn't worked for me. The first thing she suggested was that I shouldn't post any pictures of myself. I had to explain to her I've already tried that, and it's a terrible idea. Another friend (who is similar to me in looks) and I both tried it, guys started talking to us, asked to see our pics, and when we posted them most of the guys disappeared. And these guys weren't studs or anything, just average dudes. However, I do think that meeting in person, even without seeing the whole face would make it easier to tell if there was chemistry.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 878 (view)
The Birthday Blahs...
Posted: 10/7/2016 5:47:43 PM

I can't even PM him. He blocked me. He said "If you're older than my kids, you're too old for me."

Lol. Sounds like a typical OLD guy.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 458 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 9/12/2016 1:36:57 AM
@whereforeandwhynot: Thanks for the positive comments. I appreciate it. I agree that you need to have a thick skin for OLD and even dating in general, which I don't have, but I'm working on it. :) No, I didn't used to think I was unattractive, I felt ok about my appearance, but after all the negative results I got on OLD (plus lack of dating success in general), I figured my looks were the problem. I assumed this because I know men are visual and mostly just care about the pictures, and I was getting similar results on Christian Mingle, where the guys would have been more my type/standards. Also, as I've mentioned, the pics I posted are the best ones I have, and look better than I normally do IRL. So I thought, if these guys are rejecting me on here, what would they think if they saw me in person? Recently, though, I've realized that I need to work on my confidence quite a bit. I do think that OLD can be very shallow and a beauty contest, but IRL, confidence matters as much as looks (I think?) I know some average-looking women who are confident, and they were able to score decent guys. And personally, I'll be more attracted to average-looking, but fun and confident guys over the so-called "hot" guys any day. Also, as others have suggested, socializing and meeting more people in general is important. So I just need to not give up. :) I do get aggravated though by all the men posting about how easy OLD is for us women, how we can get guys "out of our league" and yada yada, when it's often not the case.

When a woman is looking for something more, however, so am I. Women tell us that they are more than a scrap of meat. When I say, "Okay, so tell me who you are and what you are," they get upset.

I agree that some women will say they don't want sex when they really do. I think they may do this to protect themselves, so the guy won't try to push for it right away. It may take women some time to decide whether they want to sleep with a guy or not, and they don't want to be rushed into it. They may also say it because they think the guy will respect them more and not think they are easy. However, regardless of when they have sex, most women want to know you are attracted to them that way. You don't need to be pushy or bring it up right away. But if women are getting a vibe that you're completely disinterested in sex, or do not feel any attraction to them, it may upset them. For example, my ex-bf knew that I was waiting for marriage, but he seemed completely disinterested in me physically (even just holding hands, cuddling etc.) and it was a turn-off. I felt completely undesirable to him physically, even though he liked me a lot. Another guy I dated was also a virgin waiting for marriage, and he never made any moves, but I could tell by the way he made eye contact and showed some physical affection that he was attracted to me. So, I'm wondering if by not showing any sign of sexual interest, these women are getting the sense that you're not into them? I could be wrong but it's just a thought.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 456 (view)
Anybody get frustrated with not getting responses?
Posted: 9/11/2016 11:22:03 PM

Here, these women get to be celebrities, where in real life they haven't done so well in the dating game (after all, they are single). After all this online attention, real life sucks.

Wow. You seem to think you know everything about OLD and women in general, but like most know-it-alls, you clearly have a lot to learn. Not all of us turn to OLD to get attention, some of us use it to meet people (imagine that), but mostly as a last resort. I am an average-looking woman, and let me tell you, OLD has been nowhere near a “fantasy” for me. If anything, it sucks MORE than real life. Sure, I get tons of messages, but when they are mostly all from guys who could be my dad, can’t type a proper sentence, and/or weigh 300+ lbs I’m not exactly basking in the attention. Then, I write to men close to my age range, with decent English skills, average height and body type, and guess what? Most of them ignore me. If a girl is that desperate for male attention, she can get it from the same quality of guys at the local bar. But to truly be a “celebrity” on OLD, or even to attract a lot of average Joes, you have to be young and gorgeous.

Several times, I had to nip it and say, "I don't do sex. What else have you got?" They never had a satisfactory answer.

It's one thing to want to save sex for marriage or a serious relationship, but to not want sex at all would be a deal-breaker for most people. Most everyone expects to have sex eventually, otherwise, they would just have friends rather than date. And, it should be talked about at some point (I'd say within the first few dates), to make sure you are both on the same page.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 13 (view)
Need some insight on a fetish I have
Posted: 9/11/2016 10:59:51 PM

Many middle aged men my age search for the elusive non-shaved women

Pretty sad if "non-shaved" is considered a novelty nowadays...a few short years ago, I believe it was the other way around. It shows how fast people get influenced and conditioned by the media.

Also, I'm wondering if this thread is a troll. I am a super-reserved, conservative christian, and I wouldn't even consider liking thongs to be anywhere near a fetish. Unless, as someone suggested, he can only get turned on by a woman if she is wearing a thong, but that seems highly unlikely.

First crushes/experiences, or any crushes for that matter, can influences our tastes a lot. The last guy I had a major crush on had a lumberjack beard, and now I'm obsessed with them.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 186 (view)
Posted: 9/11/2016 10:49:27 PM

Women can get sex anytime they want. But they want it MORE with men they're crazy about. That desire to jump on them is intensified.

Yes. I literally have no desire to hook up with anyone unless I'm really really into them. Then, I want to be with them constantly. I have female friends who do one night stands with strangers...never could get on board with that, and whenever I've had offers, the idea of it did nothing for me.
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